PoiuyWired Posted May 22, 2006 Share Posted May 22, 2006 May the French be with you always? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TSR Posted May 22, 2006 Share Posted May 22, 2006 May the French be with you always? ROFLLMFAO awesome joke... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Doctor Posted May 22, 2006 Share Posted May 22, 2006 Musician joke coming up. Q: How do you know that a trombone player is on his way to a gig? A: The delivery light on the top of his car is on. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hallucination Posted May 22, 2006 Share Posted May 22, 2006 I have a friend who plays the bagpipes, so I'll post some of the more forum-friendly/good ones. Q: How are a bagpiper's fingers like lightning? A: They never hit the same place twice. Q: What's one thing you never hear people say? A: Oh, that's the bagpipe player's Porsche. Q: How do you get two bagpipes to play a perfect unison? A: Shoot one. Q: What's the difference between a bagpipe and an onion? A: No one cries when you chop up a bagpipe. Q: What's the difference between a bagpipe and a trampoline? A: You take off your shoes when you jump on a trampoline. Q: What's the difference between a lawnmower and a bagpipe? A: You can tune the lawnmower, and the owner's are upset if you borrow the lawnmower and don't return it. Q: If you were lost in the woods, who would you trust for directions, an in-tune bagpipe player, an out of tune bagpipe player, or Santa Claus? A: The out of tune bagpipe player. The other two indicate you have been hallucinating. Q: Why is a bagpipe like a Scud missile? A: Both are offensive and inaccurate. Q: Why do bagpipers walk when they play? A: To get away from the sound. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TSR Posted May 23, 2006 Share Posted May 23, 2006 what do you get when you drop a piano down a mine? A flat minor.. get it?... meh. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Commander Obi-Wan Posted May 23, 2006 Share Posted May 23, 2006 Hmm....here's a cheesy hockey one. What's the similairity between a teabag and the Calgary Flames? They only last one cup! Also this one you can say about all teams... What's the difference between a cigarette machione and the Calgary Flames? A cigarette machine has players! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fealiks Posted May 24, 2006 Share Posted May 24, 2006 I liked those bagpipe ones. funneh. yeah. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
St. Jimmy Posted May 31, 2006 Share Posted May 31, 2006 A big corporation recently hired several cannibals. "You are all part of our team now", said the HR rep during the welcoming briefing. you get all the usual benefits and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat, but please don't eat any of the other employees". The cannibals promised they would not. Four weeks later their boss remarked, "You're all working very hard, and I'm satisfied with you. However, one of our secretaries has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to her?" The cannibals all shook their heads no. After the boss had left, the leader of the cannibals said to the others, "Which one of you idiots ate the secretary?" A hand rose hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals continued, "You fool For four weeks we've been eating Managers and no one noticed anything, but noooooo, you had to go and eat someone who actually does something!!! " Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Foshjedi2004 Posted June 8, 2006 Share Posted June 8, 2006 Top 25 Lines in Star Wars that Can Be Improved by Substituting the word "Pants" 1. A tremor in the pants. The last time I felt this was in the presence of my old master. 2. You are unwise to lower your pants. 3. We've got to be able to get some reading on those pants, up or down. 4. She must have hidden the plans in her pants. Send a detachment down to retrieve them. See to it personally Commander. 5. These pants may not look like much, kid, but they've got it where it counts. 6. I find your lack of pants disturbing. 7. These pants contain the ultimate power in the Universe. I suggest we use it. 8. Han will have those pants down. We've got to give him more time! 9. General Veers, prepare your pants for a surface assault. 10. I used to bulls-eye womp-rats in my pants back home. 11. TK-421. . . Why aren't you in your pants? 12. Lock the door. And hope they don't have pants. 13. Governor Tarkin. I recognized your foul pants when I was brought on board. 14. You look strong enough to pull the pants off of a Gundark. 15. Luke. . . Help me take...these pants off. 16. Great, Chewie, great. Always thinking with your pants. 17. That blast came from those pants. That thing's operational! 18. Don't worry. Chewie and I have gotten into a lot of pants more heavily guarded than this. 19. Maybe you'd like it back in your pants, your highness. 20. Your pants betray you. Your feelings for them are strong. Especially one. Your sister! 21. Jabba doesn't have time for smugglers who drop their pants at the first sign of an Imperial Cruiser. 22. Yeah, well short pants is better than no pants at all, Chewie. 23. Attention. This is Lando Calrissean. The Empire has taken control of my pants, I advise everyone to leave before more troops arrive. 24. I cannot teach him. The boy has no pants. 25. You came in those pants? You're braver than I thought. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
St. Jimmy Posted June 9, 2006 Share Posted June 9, 2006 Top Excuses When Caught Napping at Your Desk "It's okay...I'm still billing the client." "..in the Lord Jesus' name, amen." "They told me at the blood bank this might happen." "This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in the last time-management course you sent me to." "I was working smarter, not harder." "Whew! Guess I left the top off the liquid paper" I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm!" "I'm in the management training program." "This is in exchange for the six hours last night when I dreamt about work!" "Damn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem." "The coffee machine is broke...." "Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won't wear off!" "It worked well for Reagan, didn't it?" "I was cross-training for telecommuting." "I wasn't sleeping. I was trying to pick up my contact lens without hands." "The mailman flipped out and took out a gun so I was playing dead to avoid getting shot." "I thought you were gone for the day." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BasiliskJC Posted June 11, 2006 Share Posted June 11, 2006 A penguin is driving through Arizona on a hot summer's day when he notices his oil light is on. He gets out of the car and, sure enough, it's leaking oil all over the road. The penguin drives around the corner to a service station and asks the mechanic to take a look at it. The mechanic says he has a few others to look at first but if he comes back in an hour he can tell the penguin what is wrong with his car. The penguin agrees and goes for a walk. He finds an ice cream shop and thinks a big bowl of vanilla ice cream will really hit the spot since he's a penguin and it's Arizona in the summer, after all. He sits down at the counter and starts in on his ice cream. Of course he has no hands so it is rather messy. By the time he is done he has ice cream all over his flippers and his mouth - a total mess. He walks back to the service station and says to the mechanic, "Did you find out what is wrong with my car?" The mechanic replies, "It looks like you've blown a seal." "No, no," says the penguin. "It's just ice cream, I swear!!!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
St. Jimmy Posted July 9, 2006 Share Posted July 9, 2006 A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a man below in a garden, tending some flowers. Descending a little bit more to be within talking range the balloonist shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him half an hour ago, but I don't know where I am." The man below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 42 degrees north latitude and between 58 and 60 degrees west longitude." "You must be an engineer," said the balloonist. "I am," replied the man, "but how did you know?" "Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost." The man below responded, "You must be a manager." "I am," replied the balloonist, "how did you know?" "Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are or where you are going. You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is you are exactly in the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nedak Posted July 12, 2006 Share Posted July 12, 2006 I don't know if this is appropriate enough for the thread but some of you guys said sex so here I go. If its not ill delete it and put a new one up. Pet Alligator A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the alligator up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons. "I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He'll then open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink." The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator's open mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of its head. The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals - unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks was delivered. The man stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try." A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A blond woman timidly spoke up. "I'll try" she said, "but only if you'll promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RellikRats Posted July 12, 2006 Share Posted July 12, 2006 There's a horrible accident at the latest gathering of Democrats, sadly taking the lives of Al Gore, Bill Clinton, and Hillary Clinton. Presently they find themselves on the threshold of Heaven, where God sits on his throne to judge them and admit them, should they prove worthy. God says to them, "Well, none of you have lived perfect lives, but just to be fair, I'll ask you each one question, then either admit you or send you to your alternate destination, depending on your answer." All three nod. "Fair enough." God turns first to Al Gore. "Al, tell me what you believe." Al ponders the question for a few moments. "Lord, I believe that I won the 2000 election, but I also believe that it was not your will for me to serve as president." God considers this answer, then says, "Very well put, Al. Come on in." The gates open, some angels sing a little ditty, and Al goes to his eternal reward. Next God turns to Bill. "Bill, what do you believe?" Bill ponders, a few moments longer than Al, mind you. Finally he answers, "Lord, I believe that I committed a lot of sins in my lifetime, but one thing I never did is turn my back on a friend." God considers this answer and says, "Very good, Bill. Come on in." The gates open, angels sing, and Bill marches in. Finally God turns to Hillary and says, "Okay, Hillary, what do you believe?" Hillary puts her hands on her hips and says, "Well, for starters, I believe you're in my seat." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
St. Jimmy Posted July 15, 2006 Share Posted July 15, 2006 Q: Why did the plane crash? A: The pilot was a piece of cheese! Sorry I couldn't resist... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BasiliskJC Posted July 20, 2006 Share Posted July 20, 2006 What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft? A flat minor. need to know a little bit about music to get this one Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
St. Jimmy Posted July 23, 2006 Share Posted July 23, 2006 + Animal Joke While on holiday in Kenya and walking through the bush a man comes across an elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seems distressed so the man approaches very carefully. He gets down on one knee and inspects the bottom of the elephant's foot only to find a large thorn deeply embedded. As carefully and as gently as he can he removes the thorn and the elephant gingerly puts its foot down. The elephant turns to face the man and with a rather stern look on its face, stares at him. For a good ten minutes the man stands frozen - thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant turns and walks away. For years after, the man often remembers and ponders the events of that day. Years later the man is walking through the zoo with his son. As they approach the elephant enclosure, one of the elephants turns and walks over to where they are standing at the rail. It stares at him and the man can't help wondering if this is the same elephant. The man climbs tentatively over the railing and makes his way into the enclosure. He walks right up to the elephant and stares back in wonder. Suddenly the elephant wraps its trunk around one of the man's legs and swings him wildly back and forth along the railing, instantly killing him. Probably not the same elephant then. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Darth_Terros Posted August 16, 2006 Share Posted August 16, 2006 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Great Scott! Posted August 16, 2006 Share Posted August 16, 2006 You know, that reminds me of something... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Darth_Terros Posted August 16, 2006 Share Posted August 16, 2006 Nice way of advertising your forum there why didnt you link straight to the newgrounds site Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Great Scott! Posted August 16, 2006 Share Posted August 16, 2006 You kind of answered that in your first sentence. Seriously, I just liked how that post gave the movie the recognition it deserves. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FuzzyDice Chick Posted August 17, 2006 Share Posted August 17, 2006 Three people walk into a Sci-Fi Convention dressed as sci-fi characters. The first guy is in black and has a black helmet. The bouncer immediately lets him in knowing he's dressed as Darth Vader.The second walks in wearing a tight fitting outfit, black 'Beatles' style haircut and pointy ears. The bouncer immediately lets him in knowing he's dressed as Mr Spock from Star Trek. The third guy was about to walk in dressed like a tree-trunk. But then the bouncer stopped him and asked, "What are you meant to be?" The third guy replies, "I'm Captain's Log." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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