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The Lighter Side of Life (jokes, humor, etc.)


ChAiNz.2da

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@revan, hmmm, correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't the current number system referred to there called the Arabic number system, that could could involve some rather interesting copyright disputes, Arab (JIHAAAAAAD!!!) extremists vs Bill (All your database are belong to us) Gates, who'd win?

 

P.S. either Bastila's whipped you into using spellcheck or you pasted that;)

Or I'm so sick your spelling finally makes sense:D

 

I hereby Announce the supreme officialization of all patents and copyrights and whatever else related to and required by....

FORCE COMPUTATION!!!

Basically you use the force to do the processing, no ones, zeros, or any comprehendable mathematical kookiness,

that's like BF2 in your mind:D

Take that Bill, Take that and like it:D

just, uh, don't blacklist me from 360;)

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more ms bashing from revan

 

And God spake thus

 

God tells a priest that he is going to destroy the world but he will be one of three people who will survive. The priest tells his parishioners he has good news and bad news. The good news is: I have spoken with God. The bad news is, he's going to destroy the world and you are all doomed.

 

God then tells a rabbi that he is going to destroy the world but he will be one of three people who will survive. The rabbi tells his congregation he has good news and bad news.

 

 

The good news is: I have spoken with God. The bad news is, he's going to destroy the world and you are all doomed.

 

God then tells the last of the three, Bill Gates, that he is going to destroy the world but he will be one of three people who will survive. Gates tells his employees he has good news and very good news. The good news is: I have spoken with God. The very good news is, you don't have to worry about fixing Windows 95.

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*has more fun at the expense of microsoft*

 

Windows '98 Source Code

/*
TOP SECRET Microsoft(c) Code Project: Chicago(TM)
Projected release-date: Summer 1994
*/

#include "win31.h"
#include "win95.h"
#include "evenmore.h"
#include "oldstuff.h"
#include "billrulz.h"
#define INSTALL = HARD

char make_prog_look_big[1600000];
void main() {

   while(!CRASHED) {

       display_copyright_message();
       display_bill_rules_message();
       do_nothing_loop();
       if (first_time_installation) {

           make_50_megabyte_swapfile();
           do_nothing_loop();
           totally_screw_up_HPFS_file_system();
           search_and_destroy_the_rest_of_OS/2();
           hang_system();

       }
       write_something(anything);
       display_copyright_message();
       do_nothing_loop();
       do_some_stuff();
       if (still_not_crashed) {

           display_copyright_message();
           do_nothing_loop();
           basically_run_windows_3.1();
           do_nothing_loop();
           do_nothing_loop();

       }


   }

   if (detect_cache()) disable_cache();

   if (fast_cpu()) {

       set_wait_states(lots);
       set_mouse(speed, very_slow);
       set_mouse(action, jumpy);
       set_mouse(reaction, sometimes);

   }

   // printf("Welcome to Windows 3.11");
   // printf("Welcome to Windows 95");
   printf("Welcome to Windows 98");
   if (system_ok()) { crash(to_dos_prompt); }
   else {

       system_memory =open("a:\swp0001.swp", O_CREATE);
       while(something) {

           sleep(5);
           get_user_input();
           sleep(5);
           act_on_user_input();
           sleep(5);

       }
       create_general_protection_fault();

   }

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A Rabi, a priest and a midget walk into a bar. The bartender says "Whoa, is this some kind of joke?"

Adultish:

A blonde heard that milk baths would make her beautiful. So she left a note for her milkman to leave 15 gallons of milk.

When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 1.5 gallons so he knocked on her door to clarify the point.

The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your note to leave 15 gallons of milk. Did you mean 1.5 gallons?"

The blonde said, "I want 15 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath."

The milkman asked, "Do you want it Pasteurized?"

The blonde said, "No, just up to my boobs, I can splash it in my eyes."

 

 

No offence to D333: A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.

She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys could get your act together.

Just yesterday you take away my license and now today you expect me to show it to you."

 

A blond was shopping at K-Mart and came across a shiny silver thermos.

She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up and took it over to the

clerk to ask what it was. The clerk said, "why, that's a thermos....

it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold."

"Wow," said the blond, "that's amazing....I'm going to buy it!"

So she took the thermos and took it to work the next day.

Her boss, who is also blond, saw it on her desk."What's that?" he asked.

"Why, that's a thermos...

it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold,"she replied.

"What do you have in it?"asked the boss,

"Two popsicles and some coffee"

 

There once was a blonde who was very tired of blonde jokes and insults directed at her intelligence. So she cut and dyed her hair, got a make-over, got in her car, and began driving around in the country. Suddenly, she came to a herd of sheep in the road. She stopped her car and went over to the shepherd who was tending to them.

"If I can guess the exact number of sheep here will you let me have one?" she asked. The shepherd, thinking this was a pretty safe bet, agreed. "You have 171 sheep," said the blonde in triumph. Surprised, the shepherd told her to pick out a sheep of her choice. She looked around for a while and finally found one that she really liked.

She picked it up and was petting it when the shepherd walked over to her and asked,

"If I can guess your real hair color, will you give me my sheep back?"

The blonde thought it was only fair to let him try.

Your a blonde!

Now give me back my dog.

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^^O thats good news. When I saw you had the last post I thought was gonna get banned again ;).

A group of astronauts was trying to outdo eachother, and divided themselves into three groups (blondes, brunettes and redheads). The brunettes revealed they're plans first.

"We'ra gonna land on the moon!" the said. The redheads said

"thats nothing, we're gonna land on Mars"

The blondes then said "thats nothing, we're gonna land on the sun!"

The redheads and brunettes said that they can't get close to the sun or they'll die.

"No we won't," The blondes replied, "we're going at night!"

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^^O thats good news. When I saw you had the last post I thought was gonna get banned again ;).

A group of astronauts was trying to outdo eachother, and divided themselves into three groups (blondes, brunettes and redheads). The brunettes revealed they're plans first.

"We'ra gonna land on the moon!" the said. The redheads said

"thats nothing, we're gonna land on Mars"

The blondes then said "thats nothing, we're gonna land on the sun!"

The blondes and brunettes said that they can't get close to the sun or they'll die.

"No we won't," The blondes replied, "we're going at night!"

 

 

get your joke straight dude

 

something dont' add up

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Except that brunettes are now hotter then blondes :xp:

Tomorrows headlines: A young porn freak was killed in Montreal yesterday night, after having said that brunettes are hotter than blondes to a blonde lawyer. She said that she would sue his @$$ off, but she 'accidentally' sued more than that.

"I have no idea what happened," she said, "at first I was showing him the court order for his @$$ in a bag, but then I saw a woodchipper a few metres away then I woke up in a straitjacket covered in blood." ;)

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I got one for chainz.2da

 

Top 10 Reasons Why Macs Suck (microsofts reasons)

 

10. You can't use 5-1/4" floppy disks.

 

9. You can't go shopping with your friends for a Sound Blaster board because Macs don't need one.

 

8. Your 200 MHz 604e Mac does integer calculation equivalent to a 362 MHz Pentium Pro, but you can only brag about 200MHz.

 

7. Networking a Mac is not an impressive feat.

 

6. Macs don't come in black, and we all know black cabinets make computers faster and louder.

 

 

5. You have to add a system extension to make Mac menus stay down like Windows. We like pokey menus because it's too hard to hold that heavy mouse button down while we read.

 

4. And the Mac mouse is too slow. We want our cursor to fly wildly off the screen when we twitch our wrist because hyper cursors make our PCs look faster.

 

3. You just plug Macs in and they work. Where's the challenge in that?

 

2. When you add stuff, you just plug them in and they work, too. Again, no challenge.

 

1. Your clients and teachers know about # 2 and 3, so they expect Mac users to deliver results, not excuses!

 

*continues having fun at microsofts expense*

 

and more MS bashing

 

the sounds of windows

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*pokes more fun at microsoft* kekekekekekeke

 

/* Source Code to Windows 2000 */
 	#include "dos.h"
#include "win31.h"
#include "win95.h"
#include "win98.h"
#include "workst~1.h"
#include "evenmore.h"
#include "oldstuff.h"
#include "billrulz.h"
#include "monopoly.h"
#define INSTALL = HARD 
char make_prog_look_big[1600000];
void main()
{
 		while(!CRASHED)
{
 	  	  	display_copyright_message();
display_bill_rules_message();
do_nothing_loop();
if (first_time_installation)
{ 
 	  	  	  	make_50_megabyte_swapfile();
do_nothing_loop();
totally_screw_up_HPFS_file_system();
search_and_destroy_the_rest_of_OS/2();
make_futile_attempt_to_damage_Linux();
disable_Netscape();
disable_RealPlayer();
disable_Lotus_Products();
hang_system(); 


}

write_something(anything);
display_copyright_message();
do_nothing_loop();
do_some_stuff();
if (still_not_crashed)
{ 
 	  	  	  	display_copyright_message();
do_nothing_loop();
basically_run_windows_3.1();
do_nothing_loop();
do_nothing_loop(); 
 	  	  	}


}

if (detect_cache())
disable_cache();

if (fast_cpu())
{ 
 	  	  	set_wait_states(lots);
set_mouse(speed, very_slow);
set_mouse(action, jumpy);
set_mouse(reaction, sometimes);


}

/* printf("Welcome to MS-DOS"); */
/* printf("Welcome to Windows 3.1"); */
/* printf("Welcome to Windows 3.11"); */
/* printf("Welcome to Windows 95"); */
/* printf("Welcome to Windows NT 3.0"); */
/* printf("Welcome to Windows 98"); */
/* printf("Welcome to Windows NT 4.0"); */
printf("Welcome to Windows 2000");

if (system_ok())

else
 	  	  	crash(to_dos_prompt)
 	  	else
 	  	  	system_memory = open("a:\swp0001.swp", O_CREATE); 
 	  	while(something)
{ 
 	  	  	sleep(5);
get_user_input();
sleep(5);
act_on_user_input();
sleep(5);
 	  	}
create_general_protection_fault();
 	}

 

damn these just kill me :lol::rofl:

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That's because you're a geek! :xp: I have read enough Microsoft "humor" in the past few days to last a lifetime. Let's move on please.

 

 

>_> no I'm a SUPER GEEK :lol: >_>

 

nope still gonna bash microsoft

 

 

Software Problems

 

Over heard at a MIcrosoft programers meeting:

 

We can't ship this software because:

 

1) It's too perfect - we can't sell a bug-fix upgrade.

 

2) It appears to actually be stable.

 

3) It still loads in under fifteen minutes.

 

4) It runs too fast on a 386SX.

 

 

5) We can ship it on less than 6 CDs.

 

6) People will be able to run it without buying more memory.

 

7) Fully installed it takes less than 100mb of Hard drive space.

 

8) It is fully compatable with other software.

 

9) We finished it when we said we would.

 

10) There is a small town in Mongolia that hasn't been saturated with Microsoft advertisements yet.

 

 

bwahahahahahahahahaha

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Whats this? Is it computer jokes without Microsoft?!? Has the rain of water come at last?!?!

True Tech Support Stories

Think you're computer-illiterate? Check out the

following excerpts from a Wall Street Journal article by Jim Carlton.

 

1. Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any

Key" to "Press Return Key" because of the flood of calls

asking where the "Any" key is.

 

2. AST technical support had a caller complaining that her

mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover

turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.

 

3. Another Compaq technician received a call from a man

complaining that the system wouldn't read word processing

files from his old diskettes. After trouble- shooting for

magnets and heat failed to diagnose the problem, it was

found that the customer labeled the diskettes then rolled

them into the typewriter to type the labels.

 

4. Another AST customer was asked to send a copy of her

defective diskettes. A few days later a letter arrived from the

customer along with Xeroxed copies of the floppies.

 

5. A Dell technician advised his customer to put his troubled

floppy back in the drive and close the door. The customer

asked the tech to hold on, and was heard putting the phone

down, getting up and crossing the room to close the door to

his room.

 

6. Another Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his

computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of

trouble-shooting, the technician discovered the man was

trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the

monitor screen and hitting the "send" key.

 

7. Another Dell customer needed help setting up a new

program, so a Dell tech suggested he go to the local

Egghead. "Yeah, I got me a couple of friends, "the customer

replied. When told Egghead was a software store, the man

said, "Oh, I thought you meant for me to find a couple of

geeks."

 

8. Yet another Dell customer called to complain that his

keyboard no longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up

his tub with soap and water and soaking the keyboard for a

day, then removing all the keys and washing them

individually.

 

9. A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was

enraged because his computer had told him he was "bad and

an invalid". The tech explained that the computer's "bad

command" and "invalid" responses shouldn't be taken

personally.

 

10. An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support

couldn't get her new Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring

the computer was plugged in, the technician asked her what

happened when she pushed the power button. Her response,

"I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing

happens." The "foot pedal" turned out to be the computer's

mouse.

 

11. Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her

brand-new computer wouldn't work. She said she unpacked

the unit, plugged it in, and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for

something to happen. When asked what happened when she

pressed the power switch, she asked "What power switch?"

 

12. This guy calls in to complain that he gets an "Access Denied" message

every time he logs in. It turned out he was typing his user name and

password in capital letters.

Tech Support: "OK, let's try once more, but use lower-case letters."

Customer: "Uh, I only have capital letters on my keyboard."

 

 

13. True story from a Novell NetWire SysOp:

Caller: "Hello, is this Tech Support?"

Tech: "Yes, it is. How may I help you?"

Caller: "The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within

my warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?"

Tech: "I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?"

Caller: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer."

Tech: "Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped, It's

because I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotional,

at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it

have any trademark on it?"

Caller: "It came with my computer, I don't know anything

about a promotional. It just has '4X' on it." At this point the

Tech Rep had to mute the caller, because he couldn't stand

it. The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM

drive as a cup holder, and snapped it off the drive!

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DISCLAIMER: NOT MICROSOFT HUMOR FROM REVAN everybody run for the hills

 

Blasphology 1001

"Some experiences are meant to be shared; others are meant to be locked away in your mind, driving you to the brink of insanity."

 

Blasphology 1002

"If someone 'accuses' you of sleeping too much, remember that you're not a criminal. Simply reply, 'I'm tired.' or 'I'm conserving my strength and energy for old age.'"

 

Blasphology 1003

"You're only as smart as what you learn, minus what you forget. I call that 'math.'"

 

Blasphology 1004

"Racial tolerance is a good thing, but if a person is prejudice against Nazis, would that be irony or hypocrisy?"

 

Blasphology 1005

"A joke is a reality which doesn't exist, but is loosely based on reality; I think Reality Television must be a sick joke and should be moved from it's current network to an alternate reality."

 

Blasphology 1006

"You don't know what you've got until it's gone, therefore, you're better off never attempting to acquire it."

 

Blasphology 1007

"Money can indeed buy happiness, but it will be heavily taxed."

 

Blasphology 1008

"If you keep a framed picture of yourself facing the front of your mirror, it doesn't imply that you're a narcissist; it indicates that you're an extremely thoughtful person who's very considerate of your mirror."

 

Blasphology 1009

"I'm ecstatic now that I've achieved fame. Unfortunately, it's all in my own mind, and I'm still getting paid the same amount of money."

 

Blasphology 1010

"There's a primary reason that the best revenge is to be successful; if you're arrested for violently attacking or killing your enemy, your incarceration will sour the sweet, sensuous taste of vengeance."

 

Blasphology 1011

"If thy religion dictates that masturbation is a sin, bear in mind that it's only a sin because thy God created the decree. Pray thou that there will be a third Testament ("Old, New, Something Borrowed, Something Blue" perhaps), and the Lord thy God will change His mind again. After any amendments or changes have been filed, rejoice that thy prayer has been answered; finish thyself off without fear of thy soul or bodily fluids being eternally damned."

 

Blasphology 1012

"It's a glorious thing that my poetry is so bad

Women are assured I'm the author because the rhyme is so sad

Not to worry, it's only a fad

Don't kill me, Please! No, don't murder me! Don't be so mad!"

 

Blasphology 1013

"I sometimes regret being offensive or politically incorrect. Accordingly, I'm making a resolution that my political correctness will begin when the government implements a similar policy."

 

Blasphology 1014

"Interestingly enough, it doesn't appear that my ideas bother anyone. It's only upon the execution or implementation of those ideas that wreak havoc with one's senses."

 

Blasphology 1015

"Reciting quotes from great people of history will not change the world, it will not cause great epics to be written, it will not facilitate in the creation of art, it will not erect architectural marvels, and it will not bring about poetry that makes one cry."

 

Blasphology 1016

"Don't get in the habit of blaming others for your mistakes. At some point, you have to take responsibility for your own actions. You can start by questioning if your decision to get out of bed every day has been causing problems in your life."

 

Blasphology 1017

"Necessity has proven to be the mother of Invention. After many years, Necessity has recently demanded a DNA analysis and a paternity suit against the man whom she claims is the father of Invention, Patent, which is pending."

 

Blasphology 1018

"I've come to realize that, in life, there are both observations, and coincidences. I've also realized that the word, 'predators' rhymes with the word, 'creditors.'"

 

Blasphology 1019

"Revenge is a dish that is best served by using the following recipe: thumbtacks and well-hidden shards of broken glass; mix well into a chocolate cake which looks deceptively appetizing. Serve cold or slightly chilled."

 

Blasphology 1020

"If anyone tries to console you by telling you that time heals all wounds, then it's very likely that person never had their jugular sliced open, or never had a fragmentation grenade explode in their immediate vicinity. Politely thank the person and offer them consolation on their inevitable death."

Blasphology 1021

 

"Blood is not necessarily thicker than water. Blood is only thicker than water if oil is added. The addition of oil to the blood helps with friction, causing smooth lubrication during holidays and other family occasions. Cholesterol and oil are not the same thing, and the world's supply of oil is dwindling."

 

Blasphology 1022

"The amount a wood that a woodchuck would chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood is directly proportional to the woodchuck's willingness to chuck wood, and his confidence in his wood-chucking abilities, divided by the potential effort involved as to whether the wood chuck could find a truck which would haul the wood that the wood chuck has chucked, multiplied by the density of the wood that the wood chuck has planned to chuck and if the wood chuck could find tools which would facilitate in an efficient process of chucking various types of wood; the final factors being the laws and penalties which govern chucking wood in the state or province in which the wood chuck resides, and any bureaucratic nonsense the wood chuck could encounter while obtaining permits which would allow the wood chuck to freely chuck wood without interfering with the profits of the wood duck who also has the liberties and rights to chuck wood."

 

Blasphology 1023

11/05/2005

"People who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones because their neighbor probably has a much sturdier house, probably made of brick or a strong wood. There's a possibility that the stone would harmlessly bounce off of the neighbor's well-constructed house, and then shatter a wall or ceiling of the glass house."

 

Blasphology 1024

11/06/2005

"It may be fun to read Blasphologies, but the information learned won't help advance your evil schemes to achieve world conquest."

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Whats this? Is it computer jokes without Microsoft?!? Has the rain of water come at last?!?!

True Tech Support Stories

Think you're computer-illiterate? Check out the

following excerpts from a Wall Street Journal article by Jim Carlton.

 

1. Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any

Key" to "Press Return Key" because of the flood of calls

asking where the "Any" key is.

 

2. AST technical support had a caller complaining that her

mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover

turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.

 

3. Another Compaq technician received a call from a man

complaining that the system wouldn't read word processing

files from his old diskettes. After trouble- shooting for

magnets and heat failed to diagnose the problem, it was

found that the customer labeled the diskettes then rolled

them into the typewriter to type the labels.

 

4. Another AST customer was asked to send a copy of her

defective diskettes. A few days later a letter arrived from the

customer along with Xeroxed copies of the floppies.

 

5. A Dell technician advised his customer to put his troubled

floppy back in the drive and close the door. The customer

asked the tech to hold on, and was heard putting the phone

down, getting up and crossing the room to close the door to

his room.

 

6. Another Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his

computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of

trouble-shooting, the technician discovered the man was

trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the

monitor screen and hitting the "send" key.

 

7. Another Dell customer needed help setting up a new

program, so a Dell tech suggested he go to the local

Egghead. "Yeah, I got me a couple of friends, "the customer

replied. When told Egghead was a software store, the man

said, "Oh, I thought you meant for me to find a couple of

geeks."

 

8. Yet another Dell customer called to complain that his

keyboard no longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up

his tub with soap and water and soaking the keyboard for a

day, then removing all the keys and washing them

individually.

 

9. A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was

enraged because his computer had told him he was "bad and

an invalid". The tech explained that the computer's "bad

command" and "invalid" responses shouldn't be taken

personally.

 

10. An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support

couldn't get her new Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring

the computer was plugged in, the technician asked her what

happened when she pushed the power button. Her response,

"I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing

happens." The "foot pedal" turned out to be the computer's

mouse.

 

11. Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her

brand-new computer wouldn't work. She said she unpacked

the unit, plugged it in, and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for

something to happen. When asked what happened when she

pressed the power switch, she asked "What power switch?"

 

12. This guy calls in to complain that he gets an "Access Denied" message

every time he logs in. It turned out he was typing his user name and

password in capital letters.

Tech Support: "OK, let's try once more, but use lower-case letters."

Customer: "Uh, I only have capital letters on my keyboard."

 

 

13. True story from a Novell NetWire SysOp:

Caller: "Hello, is this Tech Support?"

Tech: "Yes, it is. How may I help you?"

Caller: "The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within

my warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?"

Tech: "I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?"

Caller: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer."

Tech: "Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped, It's

because I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotional,

at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it

have any trademark on it?"

Caller: "It came with my computer, I don't know anything

about a promotional. It just has '4X' on it." At this point the

Tech Rep had to mute the caller, because he couldn't stand

it. The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM

drive as a cup holder, and snapped it off the drive!

 

 

I found that but the version I found it 100 times funnier :cool:

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