The_Catto Posted February 24, 2007 Share Posted February 24, 2007 Thanks for the review mach. I wasn't sure whether to use born or borne. I'll go and do the ole' switch-a-roo, then. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted February 24, 2007 Author Share Posted February 24, 2007 Thanks for the review mach. I wasn't sure whether to use born or borne. I'll go and do the ole' switch-a-roo, then. The primary problem with English is all of the homonyms. Don;t worry, I do the same thing all the time. That is why I try to edit before I post. Of course, as anyone who has read my distant past SW novels can tell you, I do forget on occasion. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted March 2, 2007 Author Share Posted March 2, 2007 02 Mar That flood of creative juices wasn’t a once off people. I can’t guarantee how quickly they will come, but a last book in the trilogy entitled Birth of the Republic will be out for you to look at soon and I have all of the pieces of a fourth book on Faerie including a jaunt on the Space shuttle and Marie Celeste mystery on the International space station. Coruscant Entertainment Center Stories of Order 66 Darth Aida Set during the clone war assault on Kashyyk: Order 66 is given Some spelling and grammar problems nothing editing can’t fix. The story tends to drag a bit Technical note, since the clones are literally copies of one man, they would not need constant direction or pinpoint orders. Think of the Star Trek Klingon langauge with two forms, normal, and clipped where you use less words. So instead of saying ‘trooper xyz shoot the tanks’, he would know who has the anti- tank weapon and say something like ‘target: tanks’. Even if he didn’t know which trooper carried it, this order would be sufficient unless he wanted say the third tank from the left killed. By the same token, all Palpatine said was ‘execute order 66’ and when they heard that the clones immediately began killing Jedi. Star Wars: The Fight is Over Darth Saruman Alternate Universe: As Emperor Vader consolidates, he send his new apprentice to capture his wife and children Every negative that can be said has been by the posters that followed. Except for my usual rant of reread edit, rewrite. Statement on the new 6 degrees of Star Wars Canon Jae Onasi All right, I’m not going to critique it except for one plaint You mean only three of mine are fifth degree and none higher? Whine! The Exile’s Path Darth SINner Before KOTOR: The first battles from the Exile’s point of view. All right, first, remember conversation breaks. You have everything crammed together and it gets confusing. Second, don’t shift from past to present tense, it is also confusing. Edit it carefully. You have ship that ‘to’ damage when it should have said they ‘took’ damage. Slow down, think of what you’re writing, and write it clearly. Not bad for the first I’ve seen from you kid. All of the points I made I have problems with sometimes which is why I said edit. Jedi Reflexes Aurora Starfire No specific era given: Just a usual day at the swoop bike track The style is good, though a bit clipped. All of the others have commented on the aspects of the race all ready so I will not cover them again. Brothers United: The Beginning RaV Clone Wars: Part of the war from someone not part of either alliance as two clans clash in a fight to see which side they will join... The style is a bit confusing, due to the lack or proper punctuation in some sections, so you have long convoluted sentences. Your intro into the characters is more like the intro in the movie Dune that sounded like there had been a book that preceded it when there wasn’t, also confusing. Dividing them and making one a better leader but at the same time one dimensional helped a bit. Work on characterization. When you’re working with someone else’s characters (Putting Luke Skywalker or Atton Rand through his paces) everyone already knows 90 percent of what they will do. But when they are your own, you have to give them more depth. I would have used maybe blasphemy or infamy instead of monstrosity. All in all pretty good. Amongst the Ruins Niner777 Clone Wars Based on scene from BattleFront 2 game; One of the 501st mission ops Not too bad, a little excess chatter I wouldn’t expect from clones, but having someone comment ‘well it’s your life story too’ was a good line. Scenes well laid out, and flow correctly. Technical note: Except for some fidgeting, most troopers will have completed their weapons checks long before they board the transport. Watch the scene in the movie Aliens where the Marines are prepping. They do all of the fancy equipment checks before their board the shuttle, and are ready to rock and roll when they hit the ground. Also, I would consider the ride of an laat as like a huey, so no one in his right mind would lean his rifle against a wall. The Jedi Archives The Sera Tana Saga Topsite PreKOTOR- interim between KOTOR and TSL: Short pieces linked to an as yet unfinished five part Saga. Topsite has been reviewed before and has been handled harshly at times, but bounces back. There are wording problems ‘waited’ instead of waiting, but everything I saw was something that could be corrected by merely editing and polishing. Those who might have read my first excerpt posting from my off-SW Mirror of My love will note that Jae told me I had used you’re instead of your, and it took me a week to find it even knowing where it was! Good work. kotorfanmedia Expecting just the normal quiet run through kotorfanmedia, I suddenly ran full tilt into the edges of a storm caused by a dueling circle challenge. It seems to be character’s being drunk week here. Not that I’m complaining... Touching Humanity Chemist Owns In the interim between KOTOR and TSL: Revan faces her greatest challenge, love The piece had me confused at the start because while the author labeled it as pre TSL, there were elements that suggested being post. This was explained at the end, but I was a bit confused before I got there. I would have changed some of the wording, ‘you are no monster to me.’ with the reply ‘and that is where I make sense’ for example. I would have replied with ‘and there is where you stop making sense’ but that is looking at it and mentally rewriting it, which every author does when they see lines that don’t in their minds fit. The style is excellent, the scenes clear and well defined, the emotions almost like a Rembrandt painting. Excellent work. Whatever Can Go Wrong… Can Be Made Right! Walruseater KOTOR: When a fan author gets a little rough, Revan decides to have a talk with him... I was reading this and suddenly the character took what Robert Burns would call the Road Less Traveled with extremely amusing results. I felt the desperate need to chuckle or even roll on the floor and laugh but I resisted that impulse till I got to the end. I can say nothing bad about this piece, it is merely too choice. If you have never seen this kind of thing before, try At Swims Two Birds by Turlough O’Brien where his characters get together and agree to assassinate him, or my own Dramatis Personae posted in the lucasforum Outer Rim where fictional characters come to our world to rescue their author from an evil publishing company. Neither is as much fun, but it gives me a chance for a shameless plug. Tribune Of Hearts CyberCat At the end of TSL: As Malachor falls apart around him, the Exile must choose between loyalty and love. Some spelling problems, but nothing major. The story line itself links in a way with the game, because one option is to leave, but that option was unsatisfying to me, so while I liked the story a great deal as I have all of CC’s work, I couldn’t get into it. I had problems when the poem or song segments began. What You Can Get Rose07 After KOTOR: Carth tries to recaptures some of the things he missed with his son. The style is pure Rose, meaning that like everything I have reviewed, it is like a brilliantly cut and polished gem. As a military man, I know the feelings going through Carth. As a man who has been a loner and missed a lot of my family’s life, I feel it just as well. But rarely do you see it laid out on a piece of velvet and displayed so well. The ending snuck up on me, cut like that polished stone you get from the amphorous lump you started with, it’s worth it. In Amadeus, Mozart explains his way of making music saying ‘you put in the right amount of notes, and then stop’. Way to go Rose Amadeus 23 thumbs up. Worth every minute Pink Banthas Co-authored by Lady Revan and Ocelott During KOTOR: HK has a slight problem... First: A very important safety point when you decide to read this. Under no circumstances drink anything while you do! I knew when I saw the authors who wrote this that it would be a good piece. Neither of them has disappointed me so far. What I did not expect was blowing coffee all over my monitor and keyboard because I took a sip! It was right after HK makes a comment about Revan sleeping... But I am not going to ruin your fun. This work got 55 thumbs up and had 44 people willing to comment. I can’t praise it enough. Stimmed Up Zaalbar! Walruseater During KOTOR: Never give a wookiee a stim shot... The piece is short, sweet, but not only puts the idea across, but does it in a lightly amusing way. Worth a read. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Diego Varen Posted March 2, 2007 Share Posted March 2, 2007 Thanks for the review mach. Great reviews for all Fics, as always. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted March 9, 2007 Author Share Posted March 9, 2007 Coruscant Entertainment Center Meditation Darth InSidious TSL: Snippets from Kreia’s meditations as the mission goes on. Actually except for some typos and the word placement I suggested in one paragraph above in a PM, I see nothing wrong with it. The basics are good, after the second paragraph you know who is speaking, and why. As other have commented, Kreia is naturally the most mysterious character of the game, and it isn’t until Dantooine that you realize that she is the bad guy. But is she? DI here has made her the thoroughgoing villain, while in my own work she was formed by her own actions, just as the Exile was. There is a rule of science that was only stated in the last two decades or so, that observing the actions of a subject changes them. Did the very bullying that formed the Exile form Kreia? Knightfall Topsite; CSI Nihilus Fictionalization of an RPG: Darth Revan returns to command the sith after the Star Forge. Wordcraft: All right word usage first. The term Armada is not used to mean the men of that body. It is the ships or vehicles of it. While one of the definitions does extend to insects, I don’t think we can consider the Sith as mindless drones. Also a ship is not exploded, it is blown up. Technical: while using stance names from the game works, it does not work well because unlike terms from fencing and kendo where someone can actually seen them of find them on net, all the terms are linked to ephemerals that are only in the imagination of the creators. When I wrote my KOTOR novel I used terms from both kendo and fencing (Wheel and Waterwheel for the defensive moves, low guard for the stance when holding the weapon) because that way a reader who has not played the game can say, what is that (Quick look on net, ah!) whereas using Ataru or even ‘force push’ leaves that new reader confused. Canon Note: Since Nihilus followed in TSL, how can he be claiming to be someone that according to the Universe, has not yet trod the stage? But you have flashbacks to something that won’t occur for five years. You do not have a break to tell us that any time has elapsed, which I believe must be the case. The Call To Vengence DarthVixen06 Before TPM: As Qui-gon’s master dies, the padawan is called to vengeance. All right, spelling and grammar problems that are easily corrected. You scrunched up what would have been just over half a page into one long paragraph. Remember conversation breaks. Every different speaker is defined by a new paragraph. Beyond the fact that she is dying, we know nothing about her, race, age, hair color, almost nothing at all. You also used the word master a bit too much. After telling us the dead woman was his master, you still repeated it to assure we noticed it. These are all editing problems, and can be corrected readily. The piece was too short to get an idea of how well you can do. The Golden Age of the Thick Darth InSidious 20 years after KOTOR: Jolee gets to tell yet another story. Actually DI, the only thing that bothered me was the pair both lisping. The scene was well laid out. Having Bastila react to the comments on her age, even the idea of Jolee becoming a lawyer was great. The assistant warning him of copyright infringement was fun The analogies used by the pair in his story ‘with the glare of a woman who has been dragged through rain and snow to see some great surprise which turns out, when finally arrived at, to be an interview with an ill-kempt old hermit with an obsession with yaks, whose bathing habits are evidently as disgusting as his mind.’ are also choice. So well done! Timmy Marong:Brothers At Nar Shadaa PokeJedi123 No specific time given though some time during the KOTOR period: A frantic run is not always the way to go... All right, most of what can be said negative has been, but i will hit the high points. First, try to avoid the use of foul language, primarily because this is as PG13 forum. Second, as I told you in previous reviews, remember paragraph breaks. Fill the characters out more. The main character even in the first story was one dimensional, and you have not improved him here. The story comes off as if you are trying to just have nothing but action, as in a movie. But even there you have problems. You see, when George Lucas picked his characters for the original Star wars, he didn’t just say, ‘these two guys for the good guys, and this babe for the princess. He wrote what was then a speculative piece that a producer had to buy, and it went more like this as each was introduced; Princess Leia is brought forward. She is a short woman with an imperious manner, and brash way of speaking. Luke Skywalker runs back toward home to attend his aunt’s call. He is a medium sized man in his early twenties, with an earnest expression. Han Solo introduces himself. He is a an in his late 20s to early thirties with a world weary yet devil may care attitude. He has the brash manner of speaking you might expect from a man who lives by his skills. Get it? When the Casting Director took these descriptions, he looked at Ford Hammil and Fisher, and said; ‘they gave us the best readings. We’ll go with them’. What’s this about being banned? I have reviewed two of you works so far, and I don’t remember seeing either banned. If any thing had gotten them banned, it was language rather than any other content. kotorfanmedia A double eternity Nadia Set two or more years after TSL: Carth and Atton limp toward Manaan expecting to find their Jedi lovers and discover so much more. Minor word use problems mainly in terms. Calling a Selkath ‘man’. The writing is a bit stilted but that is what editing and proofreading is for. Other wise well done, Note on Canon: The only ones we see use telepathy are Kreia, the Exile and Mira during one scene. The Force bond between Revan and Bastila were never explained as telepathy, only that they would ‘know’ what the other was thinking about. So I don’t know if this would really fit into the canon. The Merits of Meditation Alina Pace Enroute to the Star Forge: A few quiet games of Pazaak You tend to have run on sentences. Not a lot, just four or five in the work, and have one problem I have noticed in my work. You use the word ‘which’ as if it were the letter E (Most common in English) while I use ‘that’. If you figure a way to correct the problem kid let me know. Oh and it’s ‘bated’ breath, not ‘baited’. I do enjoy the idea that I am not the only one who equates Death sticks with tobacco, and the idea that Revan had only learned the game was a good touch. Having Canderous look at the game as a war game as well was interesting as well. When Diana Duane wrote her Romulan Series over in Star Trek, she had McCoy use chess to do psychological profiling, and when Canderous looked at the games Carth and Revan played as a string of battles where the Jedi was egging on to greater efforts then finally ‘wiping the floor’ with him could easily have been used by that author. Technical note: After four years in the Coast Guard half my life ago, I still cannot get past it. The ‘front’ of the ship is the bow. Telosian Waltz Alina Pace After TSL: The Republic just has to celebrate the Restoration of Telos. But why did they have to invite Carth? The style is good, the situation one any unwilling party goer would sympathize with. Considering alternate uses for toothpicks for example... It’s ‘feigning’ not ‘feinting’ interest by the way. The description of the first dance give you enough clues to know the Telosians have a more complex form of dance, but not enough to put the placards on the floor and try it. The entire piece is well done. I will not forget Aminta Jae Approximately five years after TSL: With both of their men at war; Revan and the Exile recieve the worst news any woman in that position can receive. Companion piece to we change for those we love. The style is excellent, the scene crisp and clear. The reaction by both women and children as clear as if they were our own families. This piece cannot be praised enough. we change for those we love. Aminta Jae Approximately five years after TSL: Before their final battle, Carth and Atton reminisce about the women in their lives. Prequel to I will not forget. Some word usage problems ‘him’ instead of his. The interplay of the relationships is well delineated, and the scene, which is a common one for those going into battle is almost perfect. Good work. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JediMaster12 Posted March 9, 2007 Share Posted March 9, 2007 Good reviews mach. I especially loved your selections from kfm. I had read them before and still do because I find them to be well written with the minor errors. To all writers, keep up the work. It only gets better the more you practice. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Diego Varen Posted March 9, 2007 Share Posted March 9, 2007 Good reviews as always mach. Thanks for the review for Knightfall. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Darth InSidious Posted March 10, 2007 Share Posted March 10, 2007 Thank you very much for the reviews, mach! Much appreciated Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted March 10, 2007 Author Share Posted March 10, 2007 Thank you very much for the reviews, mach! Much appreciated Look over at starwarsknights. In this column you got one of the 'look at these' attaboys, I give over there. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aurora Starfire Posted March 10, 2007 Share Posted March 10, 2007 Thank you so much for the review (didn't see it until now ) I really appreciate it! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted March 10, 2007 Author Share Posted March 10, 2007 Thank you so much for the review (didn't see it until now ) I really appreciate it! At least you aren't posting it today and wondering why I haven't reviewed you this evening. Any praise i give in a review is earned, remember that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kas'!m Posted March 12, 2007 Share Posted March 12, 2007 I see The Direnic War still hasn't been reviewed, but don't feel pressured; no one else reads it either. Please see the Why Haven't You Reviewed Me!! sticky by machievelli for information on how he does reviews. --Jae Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Darth InSidious Posted March 12, 2007 Share Posted March 12, 2007 Look over at starwarsknights. In this column you got one of the 'look at these' attaboys, I give over there. I'm honoured to be considered worthy. Again, thank you Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted March 12, 2007 Author Share Posted March 12, 2007 First, I had to do an entire column 'in the can' in case I couldn't be online friday. You are in that one, so chill. Second, the people who have commented on my works can be counted on the fingers of my hands if you exempt this column. So take adeep breath, center yourself, and get back to work. K? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ambrose Posted March 15, 2007 Share Posted March 15, 2007 A few days late, but I just noticed that "Final Breath" was chosen for one of the the editor's choice, and as such I'd very much like to thank Jae and machievelli both for taking the time to read it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JediMaster12 Posted March 15, 2007 Share Posted March 15, 2007 I checked over at starwarknights.com and noticed that my baby Heart of the Guardian and my shortie A Box of Lies were listed. Thank you Jae and mach in your consideration. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jae Onasi Posted March 15, 2007 Share Posted March 15, 2007 First, I had to do an entire column 'in the can' in case I couldn't be online friday. I got it by the way--I'll post it by, say, 5pm central if you haven't already done that, unless you'd like it done earlier. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted March 16, 2007 Author Share Posted March 16, 2007 I got it by the way--I'll post it by, say, 5pm central if you haven't already done that, unless you'd like it done earlier. No, I am not online yet. My ISP doesn't operate out of Las Vegas, so I'll have to find one that isn't going to demand body parts in return, or a credit card. Will be up and running hopefully within the week, however I had sent you the coumn in case I wasn't up and you can all see how fouled up the situation is. I even wrote a little black humor piece I am posting tody. Hopefully I can say 'hey I'm up again!' in a few days. But to quote Ash from Army Of Darkness, 'Yeah, maybe I'm a Chinese Jet Fighter Pilot'. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jae Onasi Posted March 18, 2007 Share Posted March 18, 2007 machievelli sent this to me prior to his move, and asked me to post it today. Now, _that's_ devotion to your critic job, mach. Hope your move is safe and all goes smoothly. Now, without further ado, here is mach's review for this week. Coruscant Entertainment Center Ace of Spades KotorRevan The style is good if a bit bland. The basic subject matter left me cold, primarily because I never got into the Pazaak end of the game. But it isn’t the first time someone used a game of chance to portray a struggle. If someone beta read this, it explains why I couldn’t ding the writer for problems beyond that. Take a note here people... Red vs. Blue: The Kotor Chronicles Rexraptor2000 A war game... sort of... The style is a bit confusing, and having everyone dressed in separate colors only helps if they are in the visual realm. Spelling and editing problems. Reread your work before posting. I have the same problems and that can usually correct them unless you have a serious backlog of ideas that are shoving their way to the front like a glacier. The piece reminded me mainly of a take off of the old Carol Burnet skits where a writer is working, and to the side the characters are doing literally whatever he says. Order of the Grays Mohunas Set in New Republic Remember conversation breaks. You’re new, so this is the first time you heard my mantra; read, edit, reread, re-edit, then rewrite. The style is a bit confusing, but settles down. The interplay with the crew is good, and the battle scene itself is done in a competent fashion. KOTOR 2.5: The Direnic War Kas’im The style is abrupt and harsh. It works, but not my cup of chai. There are editing problems, but like always, this is something that can be corrected by merely doing edits. The author tends to run forward, dragging the reader and characters with him which could be bothersome to some. All in all, it needs work, but it is not too bad for a first post. Canon: Freedon Nadd was Onderoni, not Mandalorian. KOTOR III: Covenant Salzella After TSL: Revan returns with another prophesy. I had a problem with the story because the author was trying to both hurry the story, and assure that we knew what we must. Characterization of Master Giano for instant was just a few lines. We get no feeling for the character. Not a major thing, I tend sometimes to create a character, plug them in like a plug an play hardware module, and go back to finish them out. There is nothing wrong with style, meter or characterization that couldn’t be fixed by editing rereading and rewriting. Some problems with word usage. Wander instead of wandering, and a stilted style. Nothing that cleaning editing and polishing won’t cure. The chapters tended to be a little short as well, but that isn’t a major problem. kotorfanmedia Worthiness & Readiness Twinklet After TSL: Five years after her disappearance, both crews from the Ebon hawk band together to find her. Some wording problems, but nothing major. Charismatically didn’t fit for one. Instead of adding ‘ly’ to all of the points, you could have merely had her hold up her hand ticking off fingers and get flustered when she has to use the second hand. Well done, nicely paced. Worth the effort to read. Another of those I wish I could read in it’s entirety. The Source of Darkness Master of LD and DS The combined crews from both adventures face the true enemy. The style and flow starts a bit ragged, but smooths out quickly. Just from this small portion, I know it would be worth reading a lot more. Pity is, I don’t have the time. She Waits Falnangl9124 During KOTOR: The problem with knowing someone else’s thoughts is sometimes; you don’t really want to know... I for one had never considered the concept in this work, but it works and works well. The interplay between the lovers and the silent observer, and then between the two women was masterfully done REVAN’S RESCUE - Chapter 1 - Escape from Malachor V Extended Ending of TSL: The Ebon hawk bound for Telos so the exile can find Revan. Problems with editing. Remember to use conversation breaks. The basic style is good and clear. Remember also that since most of us have played the game, we don’t need the entire background, but since this would logically be the intro to a new adventure, it’s a nice touch. Perils of Swoop Racing: Taris Alexandra The Swoop race on Taris: Revan must face her fear. The style is good, Turning a race into high drams as been done and overdone, but the author chose an excellent way to do it. The idea that Revan has a fear of this has been explored elsewhere. In my own version on Manaan, she was terrified of going out in the suit because her memories were of her dying in one rescuing Bastila. But that was the memory overlay. The only thing that my mind asks is; are they her own fear? Or those of Lethe Kast? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kas'!m Posted March 18, 2007 Share Posted March 18, 2007 KOTOR 2.5: The Direnic War[/url] Kas’im The style is abrupt and harsh. It works, but not my cup of chai. There are editing problems, but like always, this is something that can be corrected by merely doing edits. The author tends to run forward, dragging the reader and characters with him which could be bothersome to some. All in all, it needs work, but it is not too bad for a first post. Canon: Freedon Nadd was Onderoni, not Mandalorian. I appreciate your. . .honesty. And I never said Nadd was Mandalorian, just the woman he hooked up with. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jae Onasi Posted March 19, 2007 Share Posted March 19, 2007 That's mach's review--I just posted for him. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kas'!m Posted March 19, 2007 Share Posted March 19, 2007 That's mach's review--I just posted for him. I kinda figured that out here: "machievelli sent this to me prior to his move, and asked me to post it today. Now, _that's_ devotion to your critic job, mach. Hope your move is safe and all goes smoothly. Now, without further ado, here is mach's review for this week. " You had used my name in the quote tag, hence my comment. --Jae Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted March 24, 2007 Author Share Posted March 24, 2007 I am sorry to report that i have not been able to get on line consistently enough to do my reviews this week. I feel i have failed you all. Hopefully i will be back online by next week, the week after by the latest. Again, i am sorry. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JediMaster12 Posted March 25, 2007 Share Posted March 25, 2007 There is no need to worry mach. We'll hold oursuspense a little longer and we will be ready for more recommendations from you. Good Luck Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Diego Varen Posted March 25, 2007 Share Posted March 25, 2007 No need to worry mach, at least I can still count on you. Good luck. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.