Trex Posted July 14, 2007 Share Posted July 14, 2007 Fair dos and cheers. Feel free to go over my new fic should you ever feel so inclined. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JediMaster12 Posted July 16, 2007 Share Posted July 16, 2007 Thanks mach. Two reviews in one shot. That was unexpected. As to some of the mentions in Heart of Deception, they are correct. It was intentional that I put it that way. The intent was to give the Avalonians more of a mystique appearance. The reason for this is because they are so new to the Republic so the other members don't know what to think of them. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JediKnight707 Posted July 17, 2007 Share Posted July 17, 2007 Yay! My first review in who knows how long. Thank ye for the review. Guess I should start to read my own work before I post it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted July 20, 2007 Author Share Posted July 20, 2007 Coruscant Entertainment Center The Mandalorian wars Mindtwistah Before KOTOR: A look at the Mandalorian wars from the trenches. Welcome to the site, friend. I won’t ding you on spelling. Just remember proper names are capitalized, as in races such as Mandalorian. You had one point where you should have had the possessive ‘Mandalorian’s’. You give a relatively gritty look at a dissipated soldier. All it needs is editing polishing, and as you yourself said, a quick run through a spell and grammar checker. A Search For Sanctuary Mr. BFA Before KOTOR: The Jedi are called by Revan to fight The writing is a bit cumbersome. You tend to be too wordy. ‘strictly toned as to how he wanted it to be’ could have been written ‘toned.to his own exacting standards’. The way you said it is confusing. Check and edit it your work, make sure lines like that one don’t slip by. The calm before the storm feeling I got from the first posting was well done. Holovid Moments Bee Hoon TSL On Dantooine: Just dinner a little light entertainment Kid, all you really need for this piece is editing. Some parts of it are a bit rough, and you jounce the reader along on those stretches. Just polish it until it’s like butter. Return of the Exile Jedi Knight 707 Re-critiqued at author’s request. This was first reviewed back in February of last year. Here is what I said then; The work flows smoothly after a bumpy start, and keeps the reader interested. There are a few spelling and editing errors, but on the whole is excellent. I wish I had the time to read it all the way through. While a year older JK707 still forgot the first rule; reread, edit, rewrite, and repeat. The bumpy start we had at the start was smoothed out, and the basics are still good. A Mandalorian's Treasure Darth Balatro During TSL: From the Bounty Hunter Challenge, a Bounty hunter catches a Jedi, but does he know what he’s caught? The basics are good, but romance wise it left something to be desired. Instead of giving us different endings, I think it would have been better to end it without telling us. KOTOR3-worst fanfic...so far Empress Padme After TSL: A brief respite for the crew of Ebon Hawk Well first off, I have seen far worse, so cut yourself some slack, kid. Remember spacing when writing. Space between every word, at the end of every sentence, and remember conversation breaks. You’re doing one thing I ding kids for all the time, not completing thoughts, but I do it because I make the same mistake more often than I will admit aloud. You also jumped from past tense to present tense in the second chapter. I agree with those who looked earlier. Interesting plot. Let’s see some more. The Jedi Archives I Couldn't Leave You Topsite After TSL: Contestant in the First love last Embrace contest of February. You hit a few bumpy spots there at the start, top. You didn’t have to make a note that it was unedited, I could tell when I hit a couple of them, you’re usually smoother than that. It makes more sense to say just one thousands Instead of thousands and thousands. As an example, you could have merely said the first mention of the tomb was x thousands of years ago, and it was ancient then. Like the comment in League of Extraordinary Gentlemen when Alan Quartermain comments on being a young boy and being taught by Dorian Gray. Galactic Senate Coruscant Theater Jacno's Revenge Jacno Alternate Universe, approximately 23 years after ANH: A dark Jedi returns to cause the Council grief again. The style is good though it needs editing. Of course as any writer will tell you everything can be edited again. kotorfanmedia No Time to Rest PhantomMenace KOTOR At the arrival at Rakata Prime: A different reason for the crash The style is crisp and clean, the byplay a bit over done, but it does happen sometimes. 23 people gave it a thumbs up, and it is worth every one of them. Memories Do Help Kirabaros After KOTOR: Revan finds an interesting use for the memory of a battle. The style is good, the pacing superb, and the ending amusing. Very good. Battle of the Mind Tai DuClau KOTOR: The greatest struggle is within yourself… Short, sweet to the point. 64 readers gave it thumbs up. Routine Jedi serenity After TSL: Carth reminisces about his life with Revan. Well done, worth every second reading it. Only eight people have given it thumbs up. Maybe they aren’t paying attention? She Virusq After KOTOR: History does some strange things… I was stunned about halfway into this piece, but as a person in love with history itself I understood the contention and the problems. My pick of the week. Naver: A Parody, Chapter 1 - Endar Spire Avari KOTOR: Just when you thought it was safe… I loved it! The lines lifted from AOTC, Harry Potter and Galaxy Quest were tossed in at just the right places. Well worth the read. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JediKnight707 Posted July 20, 2007 Share Posted July 20, 2007 Thank you Another good review. You're right, I do need to read my own work. I've always had a mental block about it though. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Diego Varen Posted July 20, 2007 Share Posted July 20, 2007 I Couldn't Leave You Topsite After TSL: Contestant in the First love last Embrace contest of February. You hit a few bumpy spots there at the start, top. You didn’t have to make a note that it was unedited, I could tell when I hit a couple of them, you’re usually smoother than that. It makes more sense to say just one thousands Instead of thousands and thousands. As an example, you could have merely said the first mention of the tomb was x thousands of years ago, and it was ancient then. Like the comment in League of Extraordinary Gentlemen when Alan Quartermain comments on being a young boy and being taught by Dorian Gray. Thanks for the review mach, but two mistakes in that review is that it was for the May contest, May Day and it was inspired by Jasra's First Love, Last Embrace Fan Fic. Personally, I thought my style had improved since the old days, but we all have opinions. Once again, thanks for the review and I'll edit it soon. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted July 20, 2007 Author Share Posted July 20, 2007 Thanks for the review mach, but two mistakes in that review is that it was for the May contest, May Day and it was inspired by Jasra's First Love, Last Embrace Fan Fic. Personally, I thought my style had improved since the old days, but we all have opinions. Once again, thanks for the review and I'll edit it soon. I stand corrected on the date. The primary bumps were the 'thousands and thousands'. It was like taking off in a plane and finding out that there was FO on the runway. I mentioned it because if you had editied it, it would have been near perfect. That is why I commented that it wasn't up to your own usually good standards. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The_Catto Posted July 21, 2007 Share Posted July 21, 2007 Thanks for the review, Mach. I've been planning to go back and edit but I haven't even had time to continue on writing the story lately. But I plan to make some time for editing soon. For Sanctuary and The Second Coming of Evil. But once again, thanks Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bee Hoon Posted July 23, 2007 Share Posted July 23, 2007 Thanks for the review! That was a last minute piece, so it really really needs polishing, in due time;p Are there any bits that were particularly bad? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JediMaster12 Posted July 23, 2007 Share Posted July 23, 2007 Thanks for the review mach. I think that was the first DCC challenge piece I ever wrote for KFM and I thought it to be a rather neat thing to do. The theme called for a duel and the first thing that hit me was lightsabers and I wasn't up to sharing completey some other ideas so I just followed through with what is to be read as a little supplement to the last part of the Heart of the Guardian trilogy. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted July 27, 2007 Author Share Posted July 27, 2007 27 July Coruscant Entertainment Center Legacy of the Force: Purgatory Tysyacha During the Legacy of the Force series after Mara Jade Skywalker’s death: Luke faces a new challenge, pondering both love and hate as he confronts it. There isn’t much yet, but what there is so far is captivating. Keep it up, kid. Episode 3.1 Bobby Pendragon AU version of the end of Revenge of the Sith: It is the battle on Mustafar… Which way will Anakin go? The pace flowed perfectly, and this change was surprising considering the writer. It is the one focal point in the battle where Anakin might have made this decision and so much would have changed if it had. Very well done. He's a Lethal Weapon Daft Adidas Period not given: A master bounty hunter on the prowl You’re jumping from present tense (exits the Public Transport) to past tense (Took a step forward). Try to stay in one. Second, you’re using language that is cumbersome. In the intro you say ‘left his home and was never spoken to again by a relative’’. Which I would suggest would sound better if you said ‘left home, never to speak to his family again’. Also, when using races, remember that they should be capitalized so bothan would be Bothan. Calling a weapon Mega, or a pistol ‘weak’ doesn’t tell the reader anything. After all, a pistol will not do what a rifle does, and a rifle does not match a machine gun except in range. Just drawing a pistol would be enough for most of us. Also if you say ‘explosive rounds’ you don’t need to go on and say it explodes like a bomb. Exile Lord Spitfire During KOTOR: The Exile begins his journey Not too much yet. Needs polishing and editing but I say that to everyone, right? All in all, that is the only thing I see to complain about. Technical note. The average yacht is pretty small, and a smuggler would use a ship that size when possible, but calling it a large smuggling vessel doesn’t really fit. Sort of like calling a modern day yacht a Destroyer. Han Solo’s ship is a light freighter, and is only half the size of Lando’s Lady Luck. Talon Karrde’s ship is almost three times that size and it is at the upper end as a yacht but only at the same level as a merchant vessel so calling it large is a bit much. Mandalorian Measures JediMaster12 Song-fic Set after TSL: Mandalore looks at the rebuilding of his race, and why. JM12 always turns out pretty good work and except for a missing word at one point there’s nothing that polishing and editing won’t cure. Keep at it, kid. Shady Natedogg Everyone has commented already and anything I might say would be merely repeating it. All I can say is my usual mantra; Edit, reread, and polish repeat until it glistens. The Jedi Archives Imposter II Darth Balatro Set three months after Imposter The basics need editing and polishing, but it is the basic story I think needs revision. Read my piece on Canon, and apply it to the Arthurian legends as well. Like the Star Wars Universe, the Arthurian legends deserves respect. kotorfanmedia Lost But Not Forgotten Chapter 1 PhoenixGate Set during Endar Spire segment of KOTOR: Twin Revans escape the ship The style is good, the departure from the basic story line interesting and rare. Well worth reading. The Reaction She Hoped For Danielle1980 After Leviathan in KOTOR: Will the revelation change things between Carth and Revan? The style is good; the piece only needs polishing to make it perfect. Well done. In the Eye of the Storm Malak’s Mistress Two Years After KOTOR: Dustil makes a choice. But is it the right choice? The style is good, the work well done, and the end perfect for setting up what may come next. Well worth the time to read. Knights Of The Old Republic: The Sith’s Legacy Cybercat 11 years after TSL: As Revan has nightmares, two other Jedi discover a secret The style is good. Some words used in the wrong context or misspelled, but nothing a quick edit won’t cure. Sacrifice Lethe Before entering the temple in KOTOR: Revan considers her one special gift in the force, and what it will cost her. The idea is intriguing, a Force power never suggested, and a painful one at that. Far too short to give me an idea of style, but what I see is outstanding. Apathy Is Death Joysweeper Set before the Mandalorian Wars: Revan ponders how to explain why they Jedi should intervene. The piece is excellent. Laying out the argument for intervention, and the idea that the Council was merely too conservative sets up the denouement very well. My pick of the week. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JediMaster12 Posted July 30, 2007 Share Posted July 30, 2007 Thanks for the review mach. The song for that piece was jumbling in my head. Listening to the lyrics I saw a bunch of images and what stuck the most was what could have been memories of an old war horse that longed for days long since by. Thanks again for the review. Another thing under my belt regarding a possible literary career besides my day job of lookng at cultures of ancient empires. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted August 3, 2007 Author Share Posted August 3, 2007 Coruscant Entertainment Center Enter Calo Nord RC1162 Before KOTOR: Calo Nord’s first bounty hunt on Taris The writing style is good, but the actual taking of the bounty at the start was a bit slapdash for me. Nord came across as a good man in a fight but as the Hutt said later, survival looked like it was blind luck. Calo Dead Tysyacha During KOTOR: Calo Nord’s own explanation of what happened. The style needs some smoothing out, but it was a pretty good piece. The end didn’t tell you what happened to Calo beyond his corpse disappearing. Technical note: Setting off a thermal detonator or even a normal fragmentation grenade in an enclosed space would be like setting of a small fuel air explosive. Not much is coming out of the room after that including the guy who set it off. I assumed he used a flash-bang, which would disorient the enemy but cause little damage. Also, according to the translation used on the disc of the phantom menace Bantha poodoo is fodder. Bounty on Hoth Daft Adidas The style is a bit ragged and confusing. Part of the problem as I commented to a writer about a year ago was that a game will lump weapons and styles into categories, but you have to be more specific. You are using comments that fit in game-speak, but for writing makes it either confusing or irritating to your readers. I wrote articles in the resource center already about weapons, military units, fleet operations flight operations and small unit tactics. As an example, instead of martial art, you could use (Just known ones on earth) Tai Kwan Do Kung Fu Tai Chi Judo Savate Su-chai (An Apache hand to hand style), even wrestling and boxing. I believe I commented on you choice of statements about weapons last week. Looks like I am going to have to do a ‘martial arts’ article… Twins' Destiny Grace About one hundred and fifty years after Yavin: A unique bounty The style is workmanlike, the story needing some stronger characterization, but the confrontation and denouement was perfect. Boundaries, Methods, Bounties, Madness Darth InSidious Before TSL: A slight disagreement among bounty hunters. The first paragraph confused me because you refer to the target first as a man, then as a woman. ‘He kept his eye trained on a single point at the man's head. He'd barely met her, but her reputation alone was enough.’ One problem, and it is with timing. You have two professional bounty hunters walking away, another dying from poison all in an open area. Yet somehow someone sneaks close enough to carve a design in someone’s back, get away unseen and carry out the bounty in the confusion. That stepped over the line of believability for me a bit. War and Love LordRevan123 After TSL: Revan and the Exile return to Telos The biggest problem you have kid is repetition. Remember never use two words when one will do; never use a big word when a small one will do. Describe once, but fully, reread, edit, rewrite as necessary. You’ve made a good start. Galactic Senate Coruscant Theater Jagged Princess Blizzard No time line specified: Trapped in a derelict ship, a woman ponders the events that brought her to that point. You’re using some words out of context, forgot instead of forgotten. All in all the work is pretty good, and I am listing it as one of my picks of the week. Technical: An astromech droid by design would have to be able to maneuver in zero gee better than a human would. In PM they were working on the hull of the ship in space, which means either a small integral tractor beam, or some form of magnetic traction. Kotorfanmedia Wet Season Riddles Inicol1990 Set after TSL: The new owner of both the Ebon Hawk and HK47 begins to receive cryptic messages. The main problem I saw was a lack of characterization. We know the main character is female, that her eye color appears to be mutable and she is a loner that doesn’t like company unasked. But her position in the series is still unclear. Part of the problem is the piece is short, and I do not have time to ferret out more data. However the dreary scene is well laid out, the irritation with HK’s pacifist program is echoed in the readers, and I think this is pretty well done. Some cumbersome wording. ‘So, with that in mind, it remained to be called ‘The Ebon Hawk’. Would have been better as ‘so it was still the Ebon Hawk’. This is an editing problem, and I have the same problem when I am concentrating on the story, so I know whereof I speak. The Shadows of the Rim; Prologue: Steel Vultures Hyperion Rising Two years after the events of TSL: A salvage operator gets more than she bargained for Extra word in this sentence; ‘and even any intact personal side arms or armor would fetch good price,’ Either even or any could be removed without affecting the context, but both together are like a pothole in the road the story is following. When speaking of her as a pilot, you jumped from past tense to present tense, again a slight bobble. This was the only place where that occurred, suggesting a flow of thought segment as you worked. All the work needs is editing, and it would be perfect. Technical note: This is not a dig it is praise. You brought out the problem of using a small ship very well. The idea that the time is limited to carry out the salvage operation so it is pretty much a grab and run. The value of even the smallest items to such an entrepreneur because of lack of stowage is well portrayed to give us an idea of this. Even the problem when a small scavenger has in dealing with a larger one. You did not just link up, take x amount of time transporting everything small enough to carry. You gave us a definite time limit and kept us apprised to build tension. Very well done. A REAL verbal fight for Revan and Carth Jedi Master Ariana After the Leviathan escape in KOTOR: The author thought the argument that followed was too tame… Boy oh boy the author wasn’t kidding. This version of that scene has all the fang out ‘one of us is going to die’ attitude you would feel from someone who feels this betrayed. Some of the action was a bit quick and didn’t have the same feel, but I was riveted from the moment Carth opened his mouth. Some editing problems, but I can’t praise it enough. What Happened to Us? Aminta Jae After KOTOR: Sometimes the heroes don’t live happily ever after… You left out some words. ‘Funny how she could face a battalion of with no fear,’ is an example. An editing problem. The problem with writing is most of us still believe the ‘and they lived happily ever after’ line. This gritty work is what happens more often than not. As much as it broke my heart, I had to admit it was well done. Up to Aminta’s usual standards. Three Tarisian Ales Wraithfighter After TSL: Sometimes there is only one way to kill the memories… I was surprised by this piece. Having Carth fall apart I could understand, and it hurt me to see him ignoring everyone who might have stopped his descent. But that isn’t all of the story. I am not telling you what happens. The ending is too good. Of The Lies That I Have Lived | Chapter 1 Old Wolf The Endor Spire: Sometimes you have to be pushed into defending yourself. Some words used wrong (Scatter should have been skitter) but nothing editing will not cure. This is an interesting look at Revan, Making her someone who is almost a pacifist shoved into the fight, dealing not only with the death she metes out, but her own body and mind’s resistance. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted August 10, 2007 Author Share Posted August 10, 2007 Coruscant Entertainment Center Void A tale from the Book of the Nine OD Mia Time not specified, but probably between ROTS and Survivor’s Guilt in the EU: A mysterious person meets the 501st. I see others commented, especially Jasra and Jae who I admire and what they did not address I will. As I tell every kid the first time I read their stuff, reread, edit, rewrite, edit again, polish until smooth. I agree with DA in only one point. You have given no orientation or even race of the opponents he is facing. Are they rebels? Are they even human? Who are they fighting and why? This is important to a reader because we don’t just want mindless violence, we want a reason for it. Plus you’re mixing eras. You have the Sith, who supposedly had not been an organized body for a thousand years, raiding a base that had been protected by the 501st, who first followed Vader, then became the major force in the section of the Empire mentioned in the Hand of Thrawn series. Knights of the Old Republic - The Untold Tales: Mission Across Space The Doctor Compilation of Doc’s KOTOR fiction: Why Mission and Griff ran… The basics are all there, and considering most of it, we’re going to get as much explanation as Mission did of what occurred and why. Every editing and spelling suggestion was already said, so I won’t repeat. Just remember to edit and proofread, k? Loss and gain Darth Stephanie After TSL about 20 years: The Funeral of Revan Some spelling problems. Greif instead of grief. Infact is two words. Others have already pointed out most of what is wrong, so I will simply repeat my mantra. Proofread, edit, reread, rewriter, polish, and repeat until it is the best you can do. One minor thing. A horse is native to Earth. You will notice that everyone else merely calls them a riding beast of some kind. Just come up with another words for it. As an example, by using comments by varied writers in the EU I have ascertained that a Nerf is probably a sheep, and a Barve is a pig. Primarily because I don’t see being insulted by being called a ‘Nerf Herder’ if it’s the equivalent of ‘cowboy’. Keeping the Galaxy Intact Tysyacha No specific era given: A duelist fights, but not for what you might expect. The piece is good, the basics are there and I think it will go far. I was asked by Tysyacha to collaborate on this, and had to decline with regrets. I ran into a block on what I was doing in our last collaboration, and right now I need to figure out how to have the time to write again. One thing, Tys. Remember that Kung Fu is an earthly martial art. You can rename it and it will work. Untitled Reclaimer Before TESB: A squad runs into something unexpected on Hoth You used point instead of pointing. And you don’t have to say a dead corpse. ‘The corpse had on a bloody worker outfit, like the ones the crew had on’ would have been less cumbersome if you had said ‘the body was dressed in the same outfits as those we had escorted’. The descriptions are good, and the piece flowed well. The biggest bobble I had was having him lose most of the squad on Tatooine. I doubt rthey could have flown in fought a pitched battle and Luke living on that planet would not have heard about it. To Luke the Rebellion was like Camelot to Lancelot in that musical. Something he had heard of and wanted to join, but it was somewhere out there. Technical note: You did well with every aspect of the military op, but you fumbled it by having some call the sergeant sir. As many a Petty officer I dealt with would say, Sergeants work for a living, and those you call sir do not. Forgotten Scars Sabretooth Minor points Sabretooth. Coffee is an earth drink, and dog, an earth animal. That is why they call animals of their type ‘hounds’ in the EU. This is minor, and part of the reason I had my characters drinking teas, because any infusion with leaves in water is a tea. The piece is good despite its faults, and I was not surprised because while I haven’t seen Sabretooth’s work recently, the work of this author graced my very first column. My pick of the week from Lucasforums. The Jedi Archives Scars of War Igyman During interim between the end of the Mandalorian wars and the beginning of KOTOR: Soldiers returning from home suffer. The work was excellent Igy, but the portrayal of the subject matter bothered me. First even with ‘post traumatic stress syndrome’, 95 percent of the people who go off to war return without major psychological problems, so having even two from the same area having exactly the same problem with exactly the same solution is unlikely. As much as the peace movement seems to think everyone who has ever served is automatically a brainwashed zombie who will suffer horrible nightmares, it isn’t the case. Suicides are more likely among retired policemen than it is among returning vets. Galactic Senate Coruscant Theater Dark Hand Nightvision90 250 years after the battle of Yavin: Yet another war, this time between the Empire and the Dark Hand The basics are good, there are some problems with the way it reads, but that is an editing problem. One minor point, An empire is also called an Imperium rather than an Imperial Kingdom. Technical: There are military geniuses, however the odds that someone would be able to reach Grand Admiral (The equivalent of an American Fleet Admiral) is unlikely. An officer that young with a rank that high would not have done it through competence in combat in most situations. Kotorfanmedia A New Hope Reborn, Prologue Phalon23 Beginning of KOTOR: Three women meet aboard the Endar Spire a year after Revan is captured… But which is which? The piece is well written, and the only thing that bothered me was, which one was Revan? Meeting Yourself Onasilvslv After Leviathan incident: Who am I Really? A very interesting take on the situation. The arguments are cogent from their own points of view, * If I Close My Eyes Forever Danielle1980 Kotor after Leviathan incident: Sometimes you just wish it never happened. The piece was good, the emotional overtones well done. I had thought I recognized the song, but it wasn’t the one I thought. Turning the Tide: Chapter 1 Wick3dWitch27 Not finishing sentences Such as ‘I told I was sleeping didn’t I?’. But that is an editing problem. Slow down a bit when you write, proof read and edit. I have the same problem if you have read my stuff. The way you handled the last sections of the fight were interesting. Technical note, marine troops aboard ships are usually called fleet marine units, but a fleet implies ships entering, not the men. life after death chap.1 Safetyjedigirl After KOTOR: Sometimes you best wasn’t good enough Some cumbersome wording such as being taken off (Sometimes spelled 0f) the Jedi order is confusing. Removing would have been better. You also left out words in some sentences. One problem was the end seemed contrived. Technical note: There is no specific size for a Garrison since the Romans standardized the size of the Legion. So saying a ‘garrison and a half’ makes no military sense. Also, unless you have a dockyard facility, it is unlikely that a commander would leave a ship completely empty. You need a station keeping crew or sensor crew aboard at least. The only reason to leave them in orbit unmanned is abandoning them or lack of crew. The Princess Jedi, Prologue and Chapter One KSCrusaders Set in the Expanded Universe approximate with the Jedi Academy Trilogy. KOTOR Meets the Princess Bride head on. I was at first shocked then delighted by the story. The only problems I had with it was ‘Grandpa’ Anakin being blue, and Jacen thinking the name is cool since he has a brother by the same name. All in all however an enjoyable read. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted August 17, 2007 Author Share Posted August 17, 2007 Coruscant Entertainment Center Glad To Leave Weave During final battle in TSL: A Sith discovers there is peace in losing… The writing is a bit cumbersome and repetitive. ‘More fluids oozed from the slit neck belonging to my dead opponent’. Could have been merely ‘More fluids oozed from his slit neck’. ‘Clever was her tactic’ would make more sense if written ‘it was a clever tactic’. Except for that and some editing problems, this is a pretty good piece, especially for a first timer here. Keep it up! Lost Path Divide&Conquer During period of TSL: A Jedi is rescued by an unlikely friend. You have some words being used incorrectly, paced when you meant placed, wondered instead of wandered. An editing problem primarily. There were several more, but that is for you to learn as I say yet again my mantra; reread and edit, rewrite, then repeat until it flows. Minor style problem; it is rather obvious that if you shoot and kill someone they are no longer a problem. The basic storyline is good, and I see others are already giving advice, so I will say no more. The Shadow of Revan Trex During KOTOR: The adventures of Revan’s ‘Shadow’ The basics are here, but the pacing and chapters do not appear to be a coherent whole. It needs editing and polishing. Plus there is no explanation as to what the ‘shadow’ is. I assumed as I read, that he was the equivalent of Mara Jade who was the Emperor’s ‘Hand’. Knights of the Old Republic : Destiny Empress Padme One Year after KOTOR: Some problems with spelling and grammar. This however is an edit and polish problem, nothing major. I see others have already given advice, and considering how well they have done, I only have one question… Why do you guys keep me around? Yet another newbie, and what amazes me is how well some of you can do first time out of the starting gate. There are problems with the warrior mentality, so I see I will have to post that article (Still unbeta-ed) about how I believe the Mandalorians should be treated. Lyrics by Eagle Eye Cherry, Linkin Park, and more... Rabish Bini Revan’s life in song: Revan goes from knight to Sith lord. The style is workmanlike; there are some editing problems. It feels to me like it needs work, but what artistic endeavor is ever really completed? I could have a book already in print and be sitting on cash, but still want to tweak it just a little more. Revan and Bastila have a relationship before he left is interesting. You should expand and fill in the battle scenes you feel comfortable with because the ones I did see were rather bland. Assuming The Dark Throne Darth Badguy After end of TSL: The Exile now ponders the reign to begin. Problems with spelling and grammar, hopefully you can improve these with practice. You have made progress since the last one. The basis of the story is well done, and as much as the ones who have commented ask what to call the new Dark lord, I agree with you that the name is incidental. Galactic Senate Coruscant Theater Blurred Lines Borgmatrix 5000 years after ROTJ: An old enemy returns The style is good, the flow well done. It needs editing, but that is not a complaint. Da Vinci worked on the Mona Lisa for over a decade, and still had not delivered it upon his death. Jumping this far is the future is an interesting twist to use. Kotorfanmedia Butterflies Jedi Serenity During KOTOR: Carth needs some advice on love and Jolee is there to give it. Minor complaints. It’s pursue (As in chase) rather than peruse (As in read) The story flows well from start to finish, the subject one near and dear to all hearts. Well worth the read. The Trouble With Gizka Codename SailorV During KOTOR: Sometimes, you can’t deal with a problem directly. So you use an example… The piece is written in script form, which is confusing at first, but it flows well. The basis of the discussion is well defined and using the gizka, which is a pest but cute is a nice touch. Very well done. He’s Come Back, Fire From The Sky Four Years after KOTOR: Chitari (Revan) has gotten used to the idea of not being a Jedi, and being a single mother until… Some minor kitchen problems. I think they might come up with something better than a toaster oven for a name. The story rolls perfectly, and the idea that a parent would hide such a secret from her child perfectly normal. Excellent work A Relative to Truth Dakarne Alternate Universe During Taris segment in KOTOR: This version of Revan meets with Canderous The piece is well written, the idea behind it intriguing. Fine work. I was curious until I began reading it what the author had meant be Alternate Universe until I started reading. It is, I admit, one option neither the Jedi nor the average writer had considered, making her merely one of the other branches of Force User that we know exist. Like making her a Franciscan instead of a Benedictine monk. It would also make it easier to explain using the Jedi’s version of the force later. Behind Closed Doors Jiara During the sojourn on Dantooine: The meeting between Bastila and the council we never saw… The scene is one we probably thought about but never saw. The situation clearly defined and argued efficiently on all sides. All of the actions of the later actions of the council fall right into sequence. With time to spare… RavenRand16 KOTOR Enroute to Korriban: The crew of the Ebon Hawk settles into a quiet evening, and bonds are forged. The basics are good, and the piece is well done, though it could use editing (‘we should be use’ should be used) Excellent work. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted August 24, 2007 Author Share Posted August 24, 2007 Coruscant Entertainment Center DXUN Sabretooth During Mandalorian war: A look at prisoners and interrogations. You left out words sometimes. ‘Looks the Mandalorians are lying quiet’ needs a look in there. You also forgot a couple conversation breaks. The problems I see are rereading and editing, nothing major. The basic story is good, the scene well described, the situation bleak. All in all what I would expect from Sabretooth. Very good work. Army of the Republic Reclaimer During clone war: A day in the life for a Clone squad. The scene is minimalist, but well portrayed. You tended to jump back and forth between present and past tense, but only in one scene I have read so far. Technical note, in a combat situation, you would not have men saluting officers. First, it’s a waste of time, second it exposes you to fire, and third, it lets the enemy know whom to shoot next. Web of Deceit CSI Period undefined: A Jedi sent on a mission finds a lot more. The phrase ‘He waited until the boy struck with a punch to continue fighting’ would have been better ended ‘to continue the fight’. It isn’t the only such place, but it makes the reading a bit ragged. So like I always say, reread, edit, rewrite, and polish. All in all though it isn’t too bad. Having never seen Bleach, in fact, not having seen half of the anime you used, I thought for a minute you had lifted a scene from the first scene of Demon Hunter Yokko. The second time he meets the Jedi could have been lifted from Girl from Phantasia as well. Yeah, kids. The old man loves Anime too. I’m just surprised you didn’t toss the Dirty Pair and Mahurabo in. Never Blind in the Force SkywalkerRules 155 years after Yavin: The Doctor has done all of the basic commenting I might have made, so I will forgo them. I will address however the beginning of your second chapter. As I have pointed out before in my column, unless the person is just so mean and nasty he has to be evil (Hannibal Lector comes to mind) he isn’t just going to decide to go to the dark side this easily. If you notice in ROTS and in ROTJ Each of the people so tempted to the dark, father and son were given different reasons for it but they were tailor made. For Anakin, it was ‘turn to the dark, and save your wife’. For Luke ‘If you want you’re friends to live, you have to kill me’. I don’t think even Palpatine and Exar Kun just decided to become evil. If you have read Dark Rendezvous, the author gives a very plausible reason for Ventress to have turned, and explained her hatred of the Jedi in particular. And she can’t even be defined as a Sith. The attempt by Dooku to turn Yoda shows the fallacy of it because every argument is easy to overturn if you look at it both from within and from without. Minor quibble: The first paragraph should have been made part of the intro scroll instead of separated. A Dark Hope Topsite It should be inform rather than address when talking of what he will tell the senate. ‘I’ve sent a signal there and some people will be expecting me there’ would read better if you removed the first there. The basics are good, and it’s up to your usual standards, TS. Pretty good so far. I reached the point today that we have run out of stories to critique here. But I expect you will give me more to do with time. To tell you the truth, even with the angst of moving and not finding an agent I haven’t had this much fun in years, working on this for almost two years now. If I have missed you in the previous pages, by all means tell me. But before you do, remember that I am neither a poetry critic nor an art critic. I promise to read and critique any stories I have missed. I will maintain 12-16 stories per column from this point on, with the Galactic Senate supplying what it may, but filling out from kotorfanmedia as I go. Kotorfanmedia One Moment Together Danielle1980 During KOTOR enroute to the Star Forge: Revan and Carth share a brief moment of love, worried about what the future holds. Except for leaving out the word on in one sentence, the work had no serious flaws. The pacing is good, the scene well and tastefully done. Good work. Maps and Directions Aelis On the unnamed planet: Carth and Revan have a discussion about maps, directions, and gender specific comments about them. The piece is a bit short, but it is well written, and thought out. I would have liked to see more. Dance Lesson Karacat No specific time during KOTOR given: Dance is just a metaphor… The piece was amusing. Taking modern day shows and commercials, putting them in Star Wars context without losing that flavor is hard sometimes. The only protest I have is with the word ‘slutty’ for Twi-Lek dancing. Knowing that most dance started as mating rituals I would have preferred erotic or exotic. The Steel Tomb KaylaRevan During the battle between Bastila and Revan on the Star Forge: Where there is light there is hope. The scene is good, but damn it; it is too brief. I wanted more. Fragments of Memories: Prologue Mayla After the Star Forge: A eulogy for Revan The piece is short, but a eulogy must be. The words strike deep into the crux of the argument about why some go to the dark side, and how important memories are in our lives. Bantha Steak Soup CarnivorousPineapple After the Revelation on Leviathan: When the going gets tough, the tough start cooking… The metaphor of converting the bad memories by using them for something else is an old one but well done. The personal interplay of argument about exactly what the Council did to Revan is one near and dear to our hearts. All in all a well written and thought out piece. Touring the Ship Allronix Aboard Ebon Hawk After Dxun: Canderous reflects on the differences between the two crews of that ship The introspection is well done, the differences between the crews marked clearly. But it seems Mandalore wants a return to that time. The desire comes through in everything he thinks. More Than a Few Bottles Mythra Four years after the Star Forge: the Sith Lord Revan spends a drunken night explaining why it had to happen. The piece is short, but sweet. Revan’s pain torn between love and what she sees as duty well done. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Diego Varen Posted August 24, 2007 Share Posted August 24, 2007 Thanks for the review mach, as always. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
igyman Posted August 24, 2007 Share Posted August 24, 2007 Home Igyman Timeline not given: A Jedi Padawan decides to try his own brand of reality on the world. The primary complaint I saw, that the author didn’t give us a name for the character is incidental to the equation. I have two personal characters from my books that could be represented in the same way, and I applaud the look into those minds. Well done. Inner Darkness Chronicles Igyman The expanded version of Home reviewed earlier. The descent is getting a bit steeper with this work. The character that was merely disturbing in Home seems to be power-diving out of control now. Scars of War Igyman During interim between the end of the Mandalorian wars and the beginning of KOTOR: Soldiers returning from home suffer. The work was excellent Igy, but the portrayal of the subject matter bothered me. First even with ‘post traumatic stress syndrome’, 95 percent of the people who go off to war return without major psychological problems, so having even two from the same area having exactly the same problem with exactly the same solution is unlikely. As much as the peace movement seems to think everyone who has ever served is automatically a brainwashed zombie who will suffer horrible nightmares, it isn’t the case. Suicides are more likely among retired policemen than it is among returning vets. I'm long overdue, I know, but that's what happens when I don't check this thread out often enough. In any case, thanks very much for all three reviews mach. Just when I started thinking of asking you to do these, I took a look here and, to my extremely pleasant surprise, you were way ahead of me. Thanks again and again (gotta cover all three ) and keep up the good work. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted August 31, 2007 Author Share Posted August 31, 2007 Darth Wyyrlok II the Undead warrior The Padawan Set before and during TSL: A Sith lord’s rise to power and immortality. I see others have commented, so I will try to avoid repeating them. You have a tendency to put commas in the wrong place, tend to use the wrong word (Torture should have been tortured for example, blockade instead of barricade.) You also jump back and forth from past to present tense. Last, your wording is cumbersome sometimes. It causes the reader to mentally stumble. Before you post the next segment, try rereading and editing. The words should draw your reader along, like a river. But not like a section of rapids. It’s like cake or pancake dough. It must be beaten smooth before you continue. Technical note: As much as it looked like Luke went from one handed to a prosthetic hand within a day or so, even in this future we write about prosthetic surgery is not a slap on and it works situation. For something capable of mimicking the human hand you would need several days at least to get it made, set, and working properly then time to get used to it. As an example, in the Young Jedi Knights series, one of the Jedi lost her arm in an accident. It was estimated by the doctor that it would take several weeks to replace it. The Dark Republic's rise and Fall Paul Rhodes Set 6 years after Yavin: A dead Sith lord tells his story to Luke Skywalker The style is a bit cumbersome, with no definition of who is speaking. There is no action to speak of until the character Hannah Shan show up and no description to speak of at all. If this is a relative of Bastila you should be more specific of timeline. 4,000 years earlier is not sufficient. Love and Kisses JediMaster12 Several years after TSL: A man reminisces on a very special day. The style is good, the polishing well done. The story is well told, and worth a look. Galactic Senate Coruscant Theater Drifting Wind JediDad In the interim between ROTS and ANH: A safari goes wrong. The writing is workmanlike, the basis of the story well suggested. Only problems I saw were editing and polishing ones. Technical note: First, Toydarians are not that big. If Watto was a standard example of his race he only stands about 18 inches tall, half the size of an Ewok while a Devaronian is described as being man sized. Wingo could have slowed his fall, but not by much. The wings aren’t large enough. Even on such safaris in Africa today, the party would not go unarmed or without armed guards. With vehicles instead of bearers, the average safari party these days are around ten. Kotorfanmedia It Had to Be Done Mythra After the Leviathan in KOTOR: Revan can think of only one thing to do. The story is well written, the plot well done. Fractured Souls Leelu Before the attack on the Endar Spire: A better look at the crew of that ill-fated ship. The style is good, and the situation well defined. Interesting, most do not bother to cover this, because the game starts with the ship’s destruction. Technical note: While both sides were hiring mercenaries, no modern military can afford to do that except in highly specialized situations where they don’t have what they need to cover it. Too many also remember what Nicollo Machiavelli had to say about them. In the Silence of Space Furiae After the Leviathan in KOTOR: Revan decides she needs to have a drink… The style is good, the scene well done, the rationale perfect. You must be an anime fan because one line ‘because I have a manly sounding name’ sounds like one from the Slayers series. Ain’t Love Grand Angeloftheflame A dream concurrent with the attack on Telos: The Jedi Hero has an odd dream about Revan’s past. The word is stasis, not status. Remember to edit before posting because everything I saw wrong was an editing problem. The work is good in and of itself, and an enjoyable read. This is part of Revan’s life not usually looked at, and well worth the effort you put into it. Soft Sass During KOTOR after destruction of Taris: Sometimes you need a shoulder to cry on… The style is crisp and clean, the subject matter done and overdone. But Sass found a way to not only make it unique, but made you look at one of those stock characters in a new light. My pick of the week. The Jedi and the Jacket Jedi Chick After KOTOR: How far will Carth go to get his favorite jacket back? The piece was well done, a cute bit a fluff according to the author, and I agree. But it was a very nice bit of fluff. A Beautiful Jedi, A Fearsome Sith Malak’s Mistress During climatic battle of KOTOR: What is more important, power or love? The only point I would try to correct in this work is that you didn’t clearly define who was speaking. It caused the ride to be a bit bumpy, though the work is well worth that. Friendships Taken Farther RavenRand16 What I enjoy sometimes is someone who makes me work on a review. I read page one, which was the Endear Spire action yet again, and I couldn’t decide. The work was good, but was it? Unsatisfied I went on to page two, which is the apartment complex scenes from Taris. That was when I figured out what was wrong. You’re looking at this as merely expanding on the game, but at the same time you keep using references that tie it to the game specifically, upping a weapon for example. Remember that the game is an extension of the EU, not the other way around. Smooth that out, and I call it very good work. Surprises- New Allies Jedi Rowan Set after TSL: The Characters of the KOTOR series meet the characters of Firefly and Serenity. Some word usage that needs work. I think you meant plague instead of play for example. Or Titian rather than Titan red hair. You also left out some words. In the sentence right before the one mentioned above you left out the word other as in four other people. The two series seem to be able to flow together well enough, and the way you have done so is interesting. Good work. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JediMaster12 Posted September 4, 2007 Share Posted September 4, 2007 Another review under my belt and yet I feel that I am growing old. Mach as always I appreciate the reviews you give me because you give me honest feedback. As any good writer, I look for insightful feedback to think about. Love and Kisses I consider one of my better pieces because I am at that stage of sixteen and spreading wings in the big world. I understand it because my own Pops is doing the same. Maybe that's what makes the writer a good one. The ability to relate to your characters and make them meaningful. That said and done, I am happy with the review and fo the others that mach reviewed, I recommend as well. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted September 7, 2007 Author Share Posted September 7, 2007 Coruscant Entertainment Center A Hero's Journey Mr. BFA Some problems with wording. Learnt and burnt are proper but interrupt the flow. Happier rather than more happy With the sentence “We have spies,” replied Thorin, “amongst the order that send us reports every six months’ would have made more sense by moving the reply to the end of that sentence. It breaks the thought at a time that causes a reader to stumble. ‘Him and the rest of his companions’ should be ‘he and his companions’. Everything I have notated are editing problems, kid, so reread, edit, rewrite, then polish. The basic idea is good, the story does compel. Keep it up. Technical note: If your character is supposed to have specialized knowledge, be sure you know something about it as well. A current of airflow above or below a storm is not as significant as having that storm move against the obvious wind at that level. Think of clouds moving toward the storm and past it in the opposite direction. Nine Circles Tysyacha Set during the Legacy of the Force series: The fall of a Jedi compared to the 9 circles of hell. I was a bit leery when reading the intro, but it was a refreshing read. Tysyacha’s style has improved with every passing story, and this is definitely worth the wait. Kotorfanmedia Looking Past Reflections Crislyn Tankari Before KOTOR: A new arrival comes aboard Endar Spire The writing style is good, needing only a bit of polish. Don’t take that as a negative, anything ever written should be polished a bit more. The interplay between Trask and the main character is interesting, not following the basic story line of the game, making me wonder if Trask hadn’t been reprogrammed as well. Your take on Ashandra is refreshing, more gut level than empirical. I liked it. Shinobu Okumichi Jedi Rowan After the Star Forge: A different take on how our Hero(ine) came to be An interesting read. Having liked the Firefly series (Never got to see it on air, but the DVDs are out) and Serenity I recognized the quote. The story is interesting, yet disturbing. Like the Cestus Deception, which I liked, but didn’t like, it makes the Jedi out to be a bit too duplicitous for my tastes. But still worth the read. When what you know isn’t true Bechino Yum The Intro to KOTOR: The life of a soldier. There is some editing needed, but all in all a good read. Technical note: First, marines on aircraft carrier might do close order drill, but on most ships you don’t have the space. If you assume the Endar Spire is 500 meters long, the largest area you would have for such an evolution would be less than 40 meters (120 feet) square. Since it is a warship, that space would more likely be filled with supply canisters or snub fighters. An awakening from darkness Lisa8507 Events During the Mandalorian War: Revan and Malak consider violating the Council Order. You forgot words some times, something I tend to do when I am thinking faster than I type. All in all though worth the read. Technical note: What Revan planned would not be treason, as that is a political crime. It would rather be a schism within a religious order. Accidental Oblivion Taokan After TSL: The patient wait continues… The style is good, the story well done. My only complaint is that it is too short. The Beginning Aelis After KOTOR: Revan sets out for the Outer Rim An interesting introspective take on the situation. Well done and thought provoking. Like the line from the Movie King Kong ‘I’m not a hero. Heroes have beer bellies. I’m just an actor with a gun’. Very good work. The Cat Came Back Kian After TSL: Revan returns from her mission The story was so well done that 19 people gave it a thumbs up. The situation and flow was smooth as silk, the emotional interplay perfect. My pick of the week. Lord of the Sith AkiraLamont Start of KOTOR: When Carth meets the heroine A journeyman style and basic outlay of the situation aboard the Endar Spire before and during the attack. Technical note: While British Commonwealth and French ships do have liquor rations for their troops, they would call it respectively the Officer’s Mess, and the EM club, not a cantina. Goodbyes Grimrabbit Between KOTOR and TSL: Revan leaves for her quest Grimrabbirt has not graced this column recently, which makes the appearances that much better. The piece is short sweet, and loaded venom. The breaking up part was well done, and her reasoning perfect. The line ‘I’m a sith lord by occupation’ was a bit over done, but still good. Epilogue to Redemption Riansage After TSL: Revan and…who? The start, a typical scandalmonger program, was fun, but the interplay of the two viewing it was soft gentle and poignant. A very well done piece. A brief note for anyone interested; I decided to expand When last we met. I think It will be a full length novel by the end. Anyone interested in the life and times of an intelligence agent should look at it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The_Catto Posted September 12, 2007 Share Posted September 12, 2007 Thanks for the review Mach. That technical stuff really wasn't supposed to be in there in the draft that I first posted up there. I realized I didn't know anything about storms and weather pattern's and the likes. Sure I learned stuff back at school when I took Geography for a term but that was a whole 3 years ago! Anyways, thanks again for the review. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted September 14, 2007 Author Share Posted September 14, 2007 Galactic Senate Coruscant Theater New Jedi Order - Falling Darkness Nighvision90 Alternate universe during NJO: A new mission might spell the end of the New Republic. Primary problem is forgetting to have conversation breaks a couple of times. This is an editing problem, so no major complaints. The story is interesting enough that I am hoping for more. Kotorfanmedia Nightmares Lnicol1990 In interim between KOTOR and TSL: The Nightmares caused an unanticipated reaction. The style is good, the story excellent. Others have commented on it, and I agree with the one saying a scene appeared to be missing, but still very good. Destiny’s Pawn: Taris - Chapter One Allronix The incident on Taris: The heroes of our tale begin their quest Forgot some words, left out ‘an’ in the phrase ‘in abandoned apartment’. Very few such flaws. Good work up to your usual standards. The Shadows of the Rm Hyperion Rising During TSL, probably first scene: An interesting take on waking up on Peragus… Most people and the game have you go from unconscious to full mobility after waking up from the bacta tank. This was an interesting look at the aftereffects of any meds still in the system. A very good read. Revan’s Return AkiraLamont Five years after Revan left: What will happen when Revan finally comes home? A well done piece that covers the basic situation we have all thought of. A workmanlike job of writing worth a read. Girl Talk AkiraLamont Two days after Leviathan Revelation: Sometimes you need a little push… There were some words used incorrectly, but that is an editing problem. The story is well done and the idea so fitting for the characters. 15 others who gave it thumbs up agree. Is It Any Wonder JadesFire After the Revelation aboard Leviathan: How can you deal with what you now know? How does Revan deal with it? I’m not much on song fics. But the story is well done, the lyrics interwoven in such a way they fit the outline of it, and make it more interesting. Well worth reading. 42-B7 Jiara During mission to Tatooine in KOTOR: Why was that crate loaded anyway? Very well written, and very funny. The one thing that had bothered me with this sequence is why was that crate delivered and more important, why was it accepted? The reaction aboard was choice. From Juhani to Canderous to Mission. My pick of the week. An Unexpected Love Story Ocelott After the Star Forge: Unrequited Love requited at last! Or is it? The story flows well, the basics so well done, and the identity of Cata well hidden until the last moment. The second pick of the week. Well worth reading. Confiding in a Creature Not So Often Loved RavenRand16 After TSL: When you need a shoulder to cry on and a sympathetic ear, does it matter if they have these appendages? The story is short, sweet and to the point. It is well worth the effort to read it. The Mortal Coil Grimrabbit After TSL: Revan returns to what? So full of angst, so full of woe; so good and worth reading. In the Beginning Malak’s Mistress During the Mandalorian Wars: Young Jedi decide to fight. The story is good, the subject matter rarely covered. The only character I was curious about was Jayda. If she’s supposed to be the Exile as her position with Revan and Malak suggests, why would she be surprised by Mical later? A good look at the period, worth reading. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ocelott Posted September 15, 2007 Share Posted September 15, 2007 An Unexpected Love Story Ocelott After the Star Forge: Unrequited Love requited at last! Or is it? The story flows well, the basics so well done, and the identity of Cata well hidden until the last moment. The second pick of the week. Well worth reading. Thanks for the review! Of all my fics, this one was the most fun to write. I'm glad others are having a good time reading it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted September 21, 2007 Author Share Posted September 21, 2007 I had an interesting time getting this review done. First there was only one new post here, and KFM were in the throes of their annual 'pirate' motif. So I was sure I wouldn't have anything to review. But the pirate flag vanished yesterday, but LF was down. Go figure. But I did it. Kotorfanmedia Rogue in the Mist Jedi Master Ariana Alternate Universe 15 years after the Star Forge: One event can change your entire life. In the sentence ‘Sage didn’t regard her brother’s voice with movement’ I think you meant reward. When it comes to complaints and editing that is pretty much it. A very well done piece. Unfortunately, I never have the time to read all of anyone’s works; real life, work and my own writing interferes. But this one is one I think I would really enjoy reading. The one section I did read didn’t tell me who the ‘father’ was, but made me wonder why his children would be that important to Revan. But I want to find out. The Silent Listener Aelis After the Leviathan incident: When you need someone to talk to, it doesn’t matter who or even what they are… The piece is well written, the story easy to follow, and intriguing. My only complaint is that you didn’t let us hear the message. I think it would have helped the Exile a lot to hear that the same problems she is having are not unique. The Evanescent Orphan Lirael After TSL: It takes a thief to catch a thief… I think you meant come on when you wrote common. That is an editing problem, and that is all I saw wrong with this piece on a technical level. Breaking Down Lady Revan After the Leviathan Incident: Sometimes even the strongest needs to be held. The piece grips you and drags you along. While that sounds violent, it’s a willing capture as LR drags you along, makes you see what Revan sees, feel what Revan feels. My first pick of the week. If Everyone Cared Neni After the Leviathan revelation: Can Carth be convinced to trust her again? I am not much on songfics, but this was good albeit short. Having the entire work be dialogue is an interesting twist. Second Thoughts Prisoner24601 and Dinah Lance Three years after KOTOR: Divorced from the Jedi, Revan has second thoughts about her choices. Both Prisoner and Dinah have graced these pages before, and this collaboration is the best yet. The characters live, their feelings for each other are real, and I wonder as Revan did, if it was real or not. But being willing to take that chance is what love is all about. Others above have given the authors problems because of the interplay, but what I saw was the teasing you'd expect from any pair trying to make a fresh start and feeling a bit uncomfortable with it. One complaining about how much luggage, the other claiming to have left most of her shoes, then the man passing over what he had done buying a bed by claiming he'd merely bought the most expensive one. My second pick of the week. Time to erase the past and make it new… RavenRand16 After TSL: So much that was lost can be gained if you reach out for it. The phrase ‘the ship she took’ suggests present tense. It would have been better to say ‘The ship she had taken’ instead. That said I loved it. The idea that the one you love now is like the one you first loved is an old story, but it is handled here superbly. The only way it could have been better would have been arriving on Telos to discover that Carth and Brianna had gotten together for the very same reason. My third pick of the week. Forgiveness The True Exile After Leviathan revelation: Sometime you just need some sense slapped into you… The piece is well written, the situation well portrayed. While some have given you grief because of the slapping scene, I remember friends of mine in Greek and Italian families where when you stuffed your foot in your mouth like Carth did, everyone felt they had the right to slap some sense into you. I was just surprised that Canderous didn’t either hit him or tell him how much of an idiot he was. In fact if he had merely given him that minatory look and stalked out, it would have been perfect. Badgering Business, chapter 1 Kim Badger Before KOTOR: A look behind the sets in the making of Revan… Though each of us has our version of Revan, how and why she was reprogrammed her, most of us have not looked behind the scenes as it were, seen the famous ‘man behind the curtain’ from the Wizard of Oz. A refreshing look at the situation. Not Much of a Love Story—Ch. 1 Sollie After the Leviathan revelation: Everyone has issues to work out… The style is good, the angst very real. We all know both Revan and Carth have to fight their way through this, and we know or at least hope they will succeed. Those to Come - Prologue SithHappens14 In interim between KOTOR and TSL: Revan is driven to make a decision. The style is good, the story well rounded. A pity I won’t have time to read it all. Homecoming McFinnegan After KOTOR: Sometimes the only one that can forgive you is you. McFinnegan has at times shown us humor or shown us angst. But this was perfect. I only wish it was the only one I can say this next about. My fourth pick of the week. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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