machievelli Posted March 13, 2009 Author Share Posted March 13, 2009 Awesome. I'll definitely fix that sentence. If you noticed anything glaringly obvious, drop me a message. Do you mind if I copy/paste that right into the story? EDIT: I also edited the story post to state the time, 29 years BBY. EDIT2: BTW, I agree with your statement on commenting more. Lately I've been bumping up threads that have started to drop off, and the author is posting chapters back to back. No feedback. Namely, Darth_Yuthura's SiD fic, which is amazingly well written and in first person which makes it quite unique. Little shoutouts like this get the word around about stories that otherwise might go unnoticed. COnsider it this way Kado; if we were in school and I told you that you mispelled a word, I wouldn't expect you to ask permission to correct it. I just looked at the line with 30+ years of experience in editing my own work and made the correctiion I would have. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kyvios Posted March 13, 2009 Share Posted March 13, 2009 Thanks machievelli, never thought I'd actually make pick of the week with any of my stuff. lol. I did make the correction you pointed out and a few of my own. But yea, I do think at least a comment here or there would be nice. It at least let the writer know that people are interested in their story. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kado Sunrider Posted March 14, 2009 Share Posted March 14, 2009 COnsider it this way Kado; if we were in school and I told you that you mispelled a word, I wouldn't expect you to ask permission to correct it. I just looked at the line with 30+ years of experience in editing my own work and made the correctiion I would have.If we we're in school, that would be cheating. But thanks, I've edited it in and fixed the timestamp issue. New chapter coming soon. xD Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hallucination Posted March 14, 2009 Share Posted March 14, 2009 If we we're in school, that would be cheating. That's only if we were in a test, unless your school was run by nazis. Also, you used "we're", meaning 'we are', when you should have used 'were'. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kado Sunrider Posted March 14, 2009 Share Posted March 14, 2009 That's only if we were in a test, unless your school was run by nazis. Also, you used "we're", meaning 'we are', when you should have used 'were'. oops. I tend to do that in my writing a lot as well. Always need to go back and review for those in particular. xD my school was run by Nazi's. Cheating on an assignment would be cheating as well. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted March 20, 2009 Author Share Posted March 20, 2009 Coruscant Entertainment Center Soul Behind The The Armour Knight12167 KOTOR on Tatooine: A look into Darth Bandon’s soul. The piece started out well, but became disjointed. Having just posted a piece just as disjointed, I recognize it. The advice I give to you is the same as I gave myself when I found that I had posted such a work. Read, edit, rewrite, read again, polish until smooth. Brothers-in-Arms #1: The Beginning of the End Kado Sunrider Near middle of AOTC: A clone prepares for his first taste of action. The piece flows well, and looks like one of those I wish I could read all the way through. Pick of the Week Young Heroes Knight12167 PostTSL: An odd pair of young men are caught in trouble This had the same problem I mentioned above. There is no link noticeable between parts one and two, beyond the fact that they were both caught up in trouble. Technical note: I-pod is a trademark of an Earth company. Try to avoid obvious links. kotorfanmedia Light Side Female Revan A Sticky Situation Shadows Of The Storm PreKOTOR: a prank goes astray The story was too short for my tastes, but it was cute and kind of funny. Light Side Male Revan What He Left Behind KOTORfanforlife Ten Years Post TSL: A girl goes looking for her father The piece flows well, though you forgot some word such as not in the sentence 'I'm trying to prove anything,' The basics are good, I just wish part two was posted, not that I’d have a chance to read it. Her logic arguing with Carth was perfect in it’s own way. Pick of the Week Family Matters Sebastian DeLaOsa PostTSL: It’s tough growing up The story was interesting, especially the by play of the couple. The explanation about why birth control pills didn’t work was amusing. Pick of the Week Bastila, Chapter One Aaron Lightblade Post KOTOR: Bastila finds herself in an alternate Universe The writing is good though a bit confusing at the start. Once you understood what was happening it began to flow well. Trouble, Chapter 1 Slincoln PostKOTOR: An accident throws Revan and Bastila into the unknown The buildup was well done, the explanation of what happened interesting enough to want more. The comment by HK that he’d programmed his own reactions was funny. Pick of the Week Always Jaden Firestar Originally reviewed November 23, 2006, that review is below; One year after KOTOR: A forbidden love leads both the Exile and Revan down different paths. There were problems with word usage, but nothing that a good editing job would not cure. The story is interesting, and the byplay explaining the shared pasts of both Revan and the Exile helps in understanding their characters. Reprise Pick of the Week Footprints in the Clouds, Part 1 Rift PostKOTOR: The Sith search for the crew of the Ebon Hawk The story is well done and detailed. The comment I enjoyed most was; "'Unprecedented' might be what I should call this." "No, I believe they call these things 'children'" Pick of the Week Awkward Little Incident Sebastian DeLaOsa Two Months after KOTOR: The title fits it perfectly… After laughing myself silly I had to reread the very first paragraphs to be sure what was happening, but only because I wasn’t sure what alarm there had been. A unique view of how the force can operate, mixed with strong emotion, followed by the embarrassing aftermath. The way both Jolee and Vandar reacted was too choice for words, especially after the belief of the offenders that no one would comment. Pick of the Week Vengence of the Hateful, Chapter 1 Jedi Valius PostKOTOR: As the Galaxy celebrates, the first step in revenge is taken The piece leads you gently, then rips your guts out in less than a paragraph. One of those I wish I could read all the way through Pick of the Week Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted March 27, 2009 Author Share Posted March 27, 2009 Coruscant Entertainment Center The War of the New Age Darth Betrayal 10,000 years before KOTOR, 14,000 before ANH: All is not what it seems. The basics are good but too quickly done. Remember there is a flow to narrative, and if you jump from point A to D, it leaves the reader confused. We know who is who, but we know nothing else. What we do know about the primary characters is merely that he’s in charge, but that‘s not much. Letting Go Kyvios No specific era given: Only on the brink of death does he understand. Tense and homonym problems like before, threw (cast aside) rather than through (moving amidst). The scene ‘has’ (Present tense) rather than had (past). I read the other comments and most of what I would have dinged you on (Especially the vibro-blade) has been called. Pick of the Week A Fathers Love Kado Sunrider End of ROTJ: The last thoughts of Darth Vader Structurally it was excellent. The piece was short, but as Mozart said in Amadeus, You used just as many words as you needed, and no more. Pick of the Week There is no death; there is the Force. Mr. BFA Long after KOTOR: Revan has to say what he feels I tend to echo Bee Hoon’s comment, primarily because I have never been able to tell if a poem is good bad or indifferent. Part of the reason that JM12 is our poetry critic and not me. (By the way JM12, why did you stop?) I had to agree that the last comment was highly amusing. Pick of the Week Eternity Adavardes No specific era given: Two Jedi lovers say goodbye. The specific negatives I had regarding the work were addressed by Bee Hoon, so I will not repeat them. If you have specific problems because Word resets, try using Open Office and save as RTF. I have the same problem over at KFM. The basics are excellent. Keep it up. One of those I would have voted for this time; if I voted at all. The One in Many Kyvios No specific era given, though it suggests TSL: An unlikely pair meet. The work flows well, and the introductory posting set the scene well. As Mr. Bfa did with the first, I do with the second. The sentence “I wonder if you’re the sun boy blocked by the moon.’ was cumbersome. It would have been better “I wonder if you’re the sun eclipsed by the moon, boy.” primarily because the original wording made me wonder if the image or the boy was the subject. Pick of the week. kotorfanmedia Light Side Male Revan That's My Girl Sebastian DeLaOsa PostTSL: Vignettes during Revan’s life The sections are well wrought stand alone pieces and each is a gem in it’s own right. I thoroughly enjoyed the last paragraph of the second section. Pick of the week Redemption Sinbreaker KOTOR Aboard Star Forge: The battle between Revan and Bastila revisited Some small editing problems, but nothing major. The work was good, and the cliff hanger ending leaves you wanting more. Pick of the Week Once Upon A Friday Night, chapter 1 The Ezra KOTOR Alternate Universe: Beware the hole on your computer screen… The basic are good, and the story while off the wall was cute. Having all of the crossovers be additional sidekicks made it amusing, though I never worked out if Aiden was one as well. Pick of the Week The Children DarthMichael Thirty years after TSL: The children of four of the most powerful Jedi known are bound toward Coruscant on a path of vengeance. The piece is excellent, and the only negative I have is simple; Vandar did not speak like Yoda during the game. Pick of the Week Hearts Eye View, Prologue (Revised) Barachiel PreKOTOR: A, historical look at Revan’s career during the Mandalorian Wars and beyond, told by Bastila Shan. Three or four times you left words where they caused bumps in the flow. As an example the word ‘of’ in the last sentence of the second paragraph was unnecessary. Just an editing problem. The basics are good, giving us an idea of exactly what had been happening before. Ship of Fools Sebastian DeLaOsa KOTOR enroute to Korriban: With Revan’s past revealed, Jolee gives advice in his own inimitable style. The piece, like everything I have read from this author, is an excellent piece of work. The characterization of Jolee is just too perfect. Pick of the Week Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The_Catto Posted March 27, 2009 Share Posted March 27, 2009 Thanks, Mach. Even I don't really know if a poem is good or bad. I just write them and hope for the best I'm not up with the technical side of things. If I think it fits, I write it. If it doesn't seem to fit, I leave it. Pretty unorthodox for a 'poet' (I use the term VERY loosely as I don't see myself as a poet really, just a writer) Thanks anyways. I'm glad that last little sentence is taking such an amount of acknowledgement (but I fear it's taking the gaze away from the rest of the story! ) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted March 27, 2009 Author Share Posted March 27, 2009 Thanks, Mach. Even I don't really know if a poem is good or bad. I just write them and hope for the best I'm not up with the technical side of things. If I think it fits, I write it. If it doesn't seem to fit, I leave it. Pretty unorthodox for a 'poet' (I use the term VERY loosely as I don't see myself as a poet really, just a writer) Thanks anyways. I'm glad that last little sentence is taking such an amount of acknowledgement (but I fear it's taking the gaze away from the rest of the story! ) My problem with poetry is mine is always so bad. I wrote one as a prophesy for my Gryphonrider series that was so obtuse I didn't understand it. When I was a storyteller on stage I joked about it whenever one came up. My first comment was the character saying, 'all right, if the riddles are going to be this bad I think I should leave now'. I liked the last sentence because I was picturing someone wondering for years about an incident, and only now did the culprit admit his fault. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted April 3, 2009 Author Share Posted April 3, 2009 Coruscant Entertainment Center Star Wars: Falling Into Darkness Rtas Vadum PreKOTOR: A young Jedi learns more than the Jedi would suggest A few minor word usage problems. As a primary example because it is throughout the work is using small I when meaning a person. It was more like rocks in the flow than anything else. The basics look pretty good, so all I have to say is my standard mantra; Read, edit, rewrite, reread, polish until smooth. Sublustrum Tysyacha PreKOTOR: A young Jedi remembers from the other side… The piece is nice and dark, with fond memories leading to the denouement. Very well done. Pick of the Week Meesa Jar Jar Binks! Tysyacha After ROTS: The perfect end for Star War’s least favorite character… Not I loved everything but the end, Tys. Of course it had to be April Fool’s day, right? Revan's Revelation Darth Yuthura KOTOR After Leviathan: Revan deals with the revelation, and the way her crew reacts to it. Very good work, DY. The way the people react to the situation is well done, and even the information passed in the background had an effect on the read. Pick of the Week kotorfanmedia Light Side Male Revan A Good Day Sebastian DeLaOsa Follow on to That's My Girl: Revan has an exciting day The piece flowed one way, then the other in such a smooth rhythm you don’t notice until you hit the rocks on the other slope. Very smooth and enjoyable. Pick of the Week Just Another Morning... Burn PostKOTOR: The title says it all. Short sweet, and unbearably cute. Pick of the Week Jen's Journey Chapter 1: The Aftermath of Traya's Death Sions Disciple PostTSL: Revan Bastila and the Exile get together Skrindler made the main negative comment I could think of. A short work is good only if it fulfills the rules of fiction. It has to be interesting, compelling and entertaining. Both Styles Shike77 KOTOR in the upper city Cantina: A new look at Revan The piece was fun because Revan is so different from the strait-laced versions we’re used to. Having him get as drunk as the Sith at the party was just too much fun. Pick of the Week Partings Sebastian DeLaOsa PostKOTOR: Revan has nightmares, and what he sees sends him into the Outer Rim Prisoner24601 had the best comment about this work, in that it does appear to be two different stories, but the interface is smooth. I myself have never ‘accidentally’ killed Bastila in the game, and never killed her at all as a male character. The work is very good, up to Sebastian’s work so far. Pick of the Week. The Price of Love Revan64 KOTOR Aboard the Star Forge: How much are you willing to do for love? The piece flowed well, the scene well portrayed. Worth a read. Pick of the Week The Joining of the Two, Chapter 1 Serena During KOTOR: A child joins the Jedi The piece is interesting, but the provenance to claim to be part of the KOTOR milieu is vague. Therapy for a Jedi JMSlayer PostKOTOR: A Therapy session challenge well met The challenge was an interesting idea, and the way the writer handled it was amusing. The best was the last line. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted April 10, 2009 Author Share Posted April 10, 2009 Coruscant Entertainment Center Renewal Kado Sunrider Set during LOTF: The war is over, but now comes the real work. Only two things to comment on editing; one homonyms (too instead of to) and forgetting possessive apostrophes ‘Tesars thoughts came’ should be ‘Tesar’s thoughts came’. I never get a chance to read everything you guys write, so this one bothered me. The part I got to read was well written. Pick of the Week kotorfanmedia Light Side Female Exile Nine Months Fyrephoenix Post TSL: It starts with recriminations… The piece was very well done, the beginning funny because of the way the argument flowed; ‘you did it’. “wait, you did that!’ ‘I know, but I feel better blaming you for it.’ Very choice reading for the start of this review. Pick of the Week Dark Side Male Revan Wednesday's Child [1] McFinnegan KOTOR on Tatooine: If you’ve read the poem the title comes from, you will know what is in Bastila’s heart… I tend to agree with the author in that the depth of what Bastila is going through during the mission is set aside. The only times you see it is when she is wistful that maybe the Jedi way is right, and during her time with the Dark Side when she is trying to kill Revan and love him at the same time. This piece is an excellent view of how she feels and there hasn’t been enough praise for it. Pick of the Week Naked Truth Sebastian DeLaOsa KOTOR on Tatooine: Entry into KFM’s The Full Monty Challenge; There are times when your really wish you were dreaming… As others have commented, the piece is tight and well written, the scenes flowing even with the minor problem of gratuitous nudity. When it started I was right there with Bastila that it had to be a dream. In fact the only scene that didn’t gell for me was her frantic retreat at the end. But that last line was so choice. Pick of the Week Who I am. DJ PostKOTOR: Bastila reflects on her past, and her future. The piece flows well, the idea that meditating in the nude is a cultural thing of her own planet was a nice touch. The history from childhood to present helped a lot in understanding the woman Bastila had become. Pick of the Week Naboo Vacation Sebastian DeLaOsa PostKOTOR: Another entry into KFM’s The Full Monty Challenge; It’s so good to be bad. Sebastian has done it again. The entire role-playing scene from the moment Bastila demanded it to the conclusion was so funny I almost choked on my drink. Oh very well done. Pick of the Week Dagobah Rain Sebastian DeLaOsa Set during TESB, but hails back to KOTOR: A student learns in more ways than one. The piece is good, and I agreed with the comments by others who have read it. A student learns from his teacher, but has to learn where to use their own brains. Back in the late 60s they had a brief series with Jimmy Stewart as a college professor and the line I remember well was, “I don’t want you to answer my questions, I want you to question my answers’, something Yoda does here so well. Pick of the Week. Beyond the Rim: Chapter 1 Revanreaborn225 Eight years after KOTOR: Revan and Bastila meet again in the Outer Rim The piece was too short to really get a feel for it style wise, but it looks good so far. Anger Management JMSLayer No Specific part of KOTOR is given: How do you deal with anger? How about My Fair Lady… The piece is funny, and the only thing that bothered me was using My Fair Lady. But if it were part of a challenge, I can see where it came from so I’ll let it slide. Savior: The Heart Of Darkness Darth Raden KOTOR on Korriban: The edge of darkness reaches for Revan The piece is dark and foreboding. The ‘force child’ who was never explained bothered me a bit. But the ‘kinds’ of Jedi remark was interesting. Fractured Image Sebastian DeLaOsa PostKOTOR: Entry into KFM’s dueling challenge 'Fear'; Fear is learning about the new person in your life. The piece like everything I have read of Sebastian’s, is a jewel that stands alone. The basis of the fear of the challenge was perfect. Who did Bastila fall in love with? The fiction created by the Council? Or the person that now wears that fiction? The author’s comments in reply to reviewers told me that the same thoughts ran through his mind. This piece is the quintessential work of this author so far, and I will tell you right now, the only reason this did not get best of the best is I had too much good stuff from the same author. Pick of the Week All Too Familiar Path Sebastian DeLaOsa KOTOR Right before Dantooine: Another entry into KFM’s dueling challenge 'Fear'; One of the masters revisits the decision, and rails against it. This piece like everything from this author is perfect. The look into Vrook, one of the least liked characters of the games gives us a depth I myself had never considered. What if that gruff character was actually the voice of reason? That using Revan for this mission was something some saw as the most dangerous option, even if it was the best option? Pick of the Week Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted April 17, 2009 Author Share Posted April 17, 2009 Coruscant Entertainment Center Lilith: Vampire Hunter Rtas Vadum NonSW Fiction: A Vampire hunts those she considers wrong. You used the possessive incorrectly, human’s instead of humans. Eire (As in Ireland) instead of eerie (Strange), and the personal pronoun ‘i’ is always capitalized. This is an editing problem more than anything else. Some of the scenes, the confrontation between the vampires for example needed work because it was too generic. You also slipped with a priest dressed in leather, since no one seeing him would have taken him for one. It is good work though. Flow was good with only a slight bobble when you went from present tense to past. Pick of the Week The Split Kyvios No specifc era given: A man breaks under the strain of what he has done. A problem with homonyms (Fowl as in bird instead of foul, as in disgusting, course as in direction rather than coarse, rough), you also tended to slip from past tense to present, but these are merely editing problems. Another one I would have voted for. Pick of the Week They Will Pay… JAvatar80 No specific era given: A killing leads to vengeance. As Bee Hoon has already said, the basic reason for the story is trite, and the sudden capability with weapons and ferocity a little hard to believe. The piece is cold, vicious, and heart rending. But I would have voted for this. Pick of the week Virul Alkonium Set in an alternate universe after the fall of the Empire: An undying enemy plots The basics are good and I agree that the first paragraph was the best. The only negatives I have are the ‘undying enemy’ and bringing HK47 back. A droid like anything, becomes obsolete. A design that looked good say at the time of the Romans would be superseded by newer designs. Look at the wheel in all it’s incarnations. As for the undying enemy, that is a personal foible. The work itself is good except for those. Ravaged Hope Lord Spitfire Mandalorian Wars at Malachor V: Some things are worth dying for. The biggest problem is editing and flow. You used the wrong words some times, fleshed instead of flesh, that kind of thing. Remember that flow is important. It should carry the reader along. When flow is broken by your word choices, it’s like rapids, jarring the reader from the story. As I always say, read, edit, rewrite, repeat until polished. kotorfanmedia Light Side Female Exile When You Were Young Time-To-Act A decade or more before the Mandalorian Wars: Three people that will later become shipmates meet for the first time. The only real problem I have seen is some cumbersome sentences. As an example ‘The remote followed its master towards where he was headed’ would have read better as ‘Bao-Dur went on, and the remote followed’. An interesting look at the main characters of the second game in a setting other than conflict. I agreed with the other reviewer, it was kind of cute. Light Side Male Revan Visions WebMistressGina Spanning the period from before the Mandalorian Wars until the end of TSL: The visions that drove all that happened. The writing is excellent as WMG has always been since I started reading in these forums. The basic story line was a bit confusing when Revan’s section began, but it still intrigued, causing me to continue. Well worth a read. Fighting Words Sebastian DeLaOsa PostKOTOR on Nar Shaddaa: Entry for Dueling Circle Challenge 9, ‘Fear’, Sometimes you say just the wrong thing. The action was hot and heavy, then the argument went hot and heavy. The acrimony and reason behind it was well thought out and portrayed, especially the pause after saying just the wrong thing. Sebastian has done it again. Pick of the Week Master JediQB KOTOR After Leviathan: Bastila’s fall The piece was excellent, the mixture of pain and shattering her ego well thought out and well written. I agreed with Bald As Malak that it seemed to a bit fast, but considering the situation, I still thought it was a masterful piece. Pick of the Week Collision LordRevan Originally posted on 7 July 2006 Set in an alternate universe of KOTOR I Four different version of Revan hash out their differences. I was confused for a moment when the author set up first one, then another Revan. But the instant he got to the fourth, it all clicked. A lot of choices are based on gender reactions, and there are always choice that will not or cannot be taken. By having a balance of four, the choices become clear. Those of us who created female Revans can see our characters in there, as can those who had Male ones. Here is yet another writer I wish I had time to read from start to finish. This is starting out very well. Reprise Pick of the Week His PrincessBastila From before the Mandalorian Wars until PostKOTOR: A man finally gets what he wants. The story was short, but the term short and sweet fits it. The years spent thinking of having her, finally coming to reality. Well done. Dreams of Distant Signs Sebastian DeLaOsa PostKOTOR: Revan is desperate for something to do. The piece like all of Sebastian’s work has it’s own little strengths and quirks. The using the force to either slap a girl’s bottom or to tickle someone was fun, and her using it to slap his face was cute. My favorite part, beyond the cigars mind; was finding out you don’t have to have tea only one way. Pick of the Week Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Darth_Yuthura Posted April 17, 2009 Share Posted April 17, 2009 Coruscant Entertainment Center Shattered Knight, Chapter 1: An End to All Council Tim Radley PostKOTOR: What punishment will Revan suffer for his actions? And who hunts him now? The story dragged a bit at the start. I could understand Revan’s view of the situation, and expected it would continue. Silly me. Once the action started, it didn’t stop, and I was dragged willingly along for a thrill ride. This is one of the stories I wish I could read from end to end. I've read through this particular story from start to finish on Fanfiction.net and I would say that the author had written this at a professional level. I seriously could see his content in a novel. I would seriously recommend this to anyone who is looking for a well-done KOTOR fiction. This is one of the few fanfictions that really don't have the continuity flaws that come from inexperienced writers. I would say that the only issue was that this is incomplete and that he likely has ended it there. I was under the impression that it was going to end and the suspense killed me as I realized the climax never really came, nor a resolution to it all. Still, it is worth reading. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted April 17, 2009 Author Share Posted April 17, 2009 I've read through this particular story from start to finish on Fanfiction.net and I would say that the author had written this at a professional level. I seriously could see his content in a novel. I would seriously recommend this to anyone who is looking for a well-done KOTOR fiction. This is one of the few fanfictions that really don't have the continuity flaws that come from inexperienced writers. I would say that the only issue was that this is incomplete and that he likely has ended it there. I was under the impression that it was going to end and the suspense killed me as I realized the climax never really came, nor a resolution to it all. Still, it is worth reading. Thanks DY. It's nice to know some of you are following my suggestions as to who to read. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted April 24, 2009 Author Share Posted April 24, 2009 Coruscant Entertainment Center Blood Assassin Rtas Vadum NonSW Fiction: A young vampire rebels Some misspelling, planing instead of planning, some problems with flow but nothing major. My biggest problem with the work is there was no rhyme or reason to the ‘cunning plan’ of the Master. Turning the mother, then killing her, turning the boy, then deciding to replace him less than 25 years later was done almost like a petulant child throwing away his toys when he grows bored. Revealing such an existence to someone like Uncle Adolf, who would more likely found a way to capture them to set up an assembly line of vampire warriors seemed even more rash. Besides, hating humans would be like hating cows because they supply beef. Looking down on them as inferior yes, out and out hatred, and being willing to commit genocide, no. Also, since we didn’t how old the main character was when he was turned, we have to follow the basic rules of Vampires, one of the reasons I created my own version of the change in my own work; as Lynsey Sands did in her Argeneau family series. A boy of say 14 would still appear to be a boy of 14 all those years later; not considered competent to make his own decisions according to those who meet him. That is why the young girl vampire Claudia in Interview With The Vampire is such a tragic character. Needs work but it is good work. Odnazhdiy (Once) Tysyacha TSL During second time on Telos: The Exile remembers how she joined Revan As always, Tys does good work. One thing I liked about this is the pacifist-warmonger-warrior argument. To the complete pacifist no war is necessary. Even if it is in defense of your life. To them anyone who fights, for whatever reason, is automatically a warmonger. Most partial pacifists; those who assume that living for war is bad; believe that soldiers are better, my reply is read my work Warrior. Pick of the Week Paint it Black Chevron 7 Locke Post TSL: The worst part of love is the loss… The piece highlights the one part of love that I think might cause someone to go to the dark side readily, and I for one applaud the work. The difference between Brianna at the start and the way she felt at the end highlighted it perfectly. Pick of the Week Knights of the Old Republic II: Embers of Destruction Lord Spitfire Some editing problems. Dethatched instead of detached, that kind of thing. The idea of literally starting in the middle was a nice touch. Everything before destroying Nihilus in flashback, from then on either leaving Carth hanging, or allowing us to view it. I wish I had the time to read it all when it’s posted. kotorfanmedia Light Side Female Revan Letters from the Unknown-Juhani Chrissy Misha PostKOTOR: As she heads for her destiny, Revan decides she has to say goodbye… The piece is well written, the rationale behind the explanatory letters is looking good. I wish I had time to read them all. Pick of the Week Dark Side Male Revan The Sea Of Blood: 1 Lord Zeuss KOTOR on Manaan: What are you willing to pay for neutrality and peace? The piece is good primarily because of this dark look at what has happened on Manaan. I agree that peace is better than war, but this shows how far you might have to go to gain it, and it is more terrifying than the war itself. Light Side Male Revan Tinker Taylor Jedi Spy - A King Amongst Fools, Chapter 1 Revans Redemption PostKOTOR: A spy is sent on a special mission You shifted back and forth in tenses during the first portion, first present, then past and back. Some word usage problems; were instead of we’re for example. That being said, the piece has some good work in it and is an intriguing start. Marooned Bastila Skywalker PostKOTOR on a jungle planet called Titen: Even with the Force, you can get lost… The piece was well written, the situation funny in it’s own way. The only problem I saw with it was as another commented; that there was no reference as to where they were. A Beautiful Friendship, part 1 Helena L PreKOTOR: A little help from your friends… There was only one major glitch I noticed and it was this line; one of his right hands. Probably you write what I call flow of consciousness, which is how I write, letting the scenes flow from head to hands without thinking about them. That makes it an editing problem, nothing more. Other than that it was a most enjoyable read. Knowing what it was like growing up, I can understand Bastila’s frustration with the rules, and her desire to run away. Revan’s desire to make her feel better, and Bastila wanting to help him. The piece flowed well. Pick of the Week The True Sith, Chapter 1: The Hawk Takes Flight mrthingyx Originally Posted 15 Dec 2006 Review then as follows: At the end of KOTOR II: Atton learns to let himself go with the force. The scenes are well laid out, the action fast and furious. Very well done. Reprise Pick of the Week Just Business Sebastian DeLaOsa PreKOTOR: A hard decision has to be made The thing about Sebastian’s work is nothing I have read yet has been bad or even indifferent. The piece has it’s funny points, throwing his light saber into a door for example, and serious parts; the explanation of the society comes to mind there. The decisions made fit into the universe very well, and I have to agree the last line of dialogue was perfect. Pick of the Week Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted May 1, 2009 Author Share Posted May 1, 2009 I hadn't bothered to mention it here, so if you have been reading the SWK column, you would have known I was facing a layoff. I missed it by the skin of my teeth, so I'll stop worrying. But I promised to do these articles, so I now give you... Coruscant Entertainment Center Dvazhdiy (Twice) Tysyacha PreKOTOR: What makes us better than those we fight? As a student of history, the piece is chilling. A Jedi suggesting the total devastation of a moon, and blaming the enemy for the attack, and only those assigned refusing the order saves it. Historically, the US committed some of the worst such attacks. Carl Spaatz accepted the orders of Eisenhower and General Hap Arnold to use ten German cities (Including Hamburg and Dresden) as ‘terror targets’ to weaken German morale. Curtis LeMay changed the high altitude techniques from Europe by making lower level firebombing attacks, including the attack on Tokyo that killed more than either Atomic bomb. The New York Times reported at the time, "Maj. Gen. Curtis E. LeMay, commander of the B-29s of the entire Marianas area, declared that if the war is shortened by a single day, the attack will have served its purpose." The primary reason given by the Army Air Corps at the time was that Japanese industry was so decentralized, it was more cost effective to attack the workers rather than the factories. Tysyacha’s Revan could even use the same rationale. Pick of the Week. kotorfanmedia Light Side Female Revan The Veiled Truth (prologue) Rashea Set approximately previous to KOTOR III: A young Jedi wishes to learn more of Revan The largest problem I saw was ‘Warn instead of worn’. Since that is an editing problem, I will say no more about it. The piece gives enough of a taste that the reader wants to know more. I expect this one to go pretty far. Light Side Male Revan Family Secrets Sebastian DeLaOsa PostTSL: follows "That's My Girl" and "Visitation", but years before "One Last Time"; dealing with the worst news a child can hear. The piece flows well as all of Sebastian’s work does, and the subject was well considered and portrayed. Even the illogical statement youd would expect, that Bastila would kill him if he died without telling her was a perfect little piece of the whole. Pick of the Week The Revelation of Bandon Reslez KOTOR: Revan versus Bandon…With a twist I wasn’t sure how to take this one at first, but when I reached the following lines; "Unfortunately, you must wait a little longer. I am the villain here. When the villain appears for the first and only time he has to explain his backstory to the hero." "Says who?" I said. "It's in the rules." "Oh. Right." I was hooked. The piece was irreverent, had plenty of spoliers, and even harkened to the first Star Wars movies at the end. A very funny read. Pick of the Week Yet Another KotOR Parody, chapters 1-3 Helena L KOTOR Aboard Endar Spire: An irreverent version of the game; Random Generated Name (The hero… really I’m not joking) has to start hustling The biggest problem with reviewing this site is that good stuff like this; posted the same year I started, had to wait until now to get read. The parody, as AthenePrime commented, does it by situational comedy rather than character bashing. An excellent read. A pity I don’t have the time to read it from start to finish. Pick of the Week A Kotor Parody aka The Most Boring Title I've Ever Thought Up Green Dragon KOTOR Aboard Endar Spire: At least Trask didn’t get trashed… It must have been a parody challenge back then because this is the fourth I read today. The piece is fun to read, and the constant references to the movies were well played, right up to arguing about the best episode. The Final Battle! Phantom KOTOR aboard the Star Forge: Now that I didn’t expect… The piece was marked as parody, and at first I thought mis-marked. Then Revan chose his weapon, and I lost it in laughter. From there on it was a given as to what would happen. So very well done. Pick of the Week Chasing Daemons Jedi Valius KOTOR At the Star Forge: Another way the battle could have ended. Having never played Dawn of War, I was at a bit of a loss. However the joining of the two was well done, and the blending of the characters interesting. It's A Wonderful Life CandyStriper KOTOR after Leviathan: After Bastila’s capture; what did she give everyone? The piece was amusing in it’s own way, and the connections to things we all understand (it’s a Wonderful Life and the NKOTB) are down right silly. Picturing Jolee in leg warmers, or HK using metal polish, or Canderous using skin cream were just too choice. Old Habits Sebastian DeLaOsa Two months after KOTOR: Vrook deals with the problems of Revan’s return I applaud Sebastian’s take on Vrook because I always felt there had to be a reason for that stuffy persona beyond just making him stuffy. My own Vrook actually shows some compassion in my own work. Pick of the Week The Grey Man, Part One Cymru77 PostKOTOR: Enroute to the Unknown Region, Revan has a few things to do. The piece starts of fast and furious, and doesn’t stop. It is an excellent piece of work. I just wish I had time to read the entire thing. The only thing I can ding is technical. Technical: Even with the shock absorbers 100 meters fall would cause serious damage forthe humans in this regard, and 60 centimters (Two feet) wouldn’t have been a big help. Pick of the Week Not Quite a Sure Thing Darth Balatro No Specific time given though with characters from KOTOR: The same meeting over and over… It was reminiscent of Groundhog’s Day, though both characters kept changing instead of just the main one. An interesting read. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rashea Posted May 1, 2009 Share Posted May 1, 2009 I appreciate the recognition. If you would like to read the rest of what I have so far, I have it posted on the SW:TOR site http://www.swtor.com/community/showthread.php?t=24378 Please keep in mind that it is a work in progress and I would appreciate any creative criticisms that you might have. Rashea Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted May 1, 2009 Author Share Posted May 1, 2009 I appreciate the recognition. If you would like to read the rest of what I have so far, I have it posted on the SW:TOR site http://www.swtor.com/community/showthread.php?t=24378 Please keep in mind that it is a work in progress and I would appreciate any creative criticisms that you might have. Rashea I'll look at it. However, having read the official canon I see nothing that states that Revan was male. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rashea Posted May 2, 2009 Share Posted May 2, 2009 Great, I look forward to hearing from you. In Regards to the excepted sex of the Revan, It's a bit of a sore spot over at the forums. I would prefer to think that Revan was female, but that's because of how I played KotOR. I truly hope that you envoy the story, but don't pull punches too much:thmbup1: Rashea Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted May 2, 2009 Author Share Posted May 2, 2009 Great, I look forward to hearing from you. In Regards to the excepted sex of the Revan, It's a bit of a sore spot over at the forums. I would prefer to think that Revan was female, but that's because of how I played KotOR. I truly hope that you envoy the story, but don't pull punches too much:thmbup1: Rashea My comments were not a negative of your work. only that there is no official canon (As if print media issued by Lucasforums) that states that Revan is male or female. As my own Revan is female, I am not denigrating your work. I will copy it and proofread it (Beta style) this week or next week. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tysyacha Posted May 2, 2009 Share Posted May 2, 2009 I am honored that you found "Dvazhdiy" chilling. Even not knowing all the historical facts that you did before I wrote this, I suspected that some countries did use such tactics, but not us. I was thinking Nazi Germany might have done it, or Soviet Russia, but not us. Thanks for shattering an illusion of mine, because now I know! You totally rock... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted May 2, 2009 Author Share Posted May 2, 2009 I am honored that you found "Dvazhdiy" chilling. Even not knowing all the historical facts that you did before I wrote this, I suspected that some countries did use such tactics, but not us. I was thinking Nazi Germany might have done it, or Soviet Russia, but not us. Thanks for shattering an illusion of mine, because now I know! You totally rock... Honor is important to some people. I do not remember his name, but the General in charge of the occupation forces in Paris simply ignored Hitler's order to level the city rather than allow the Allies to have it back. Another unsung hero is the man in the Iraqi Oil ministry who did not devestate Iraqi oil production as Saddam had done in Kuwait. I don't know who they are, but even your enemes have honor. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted May 8, 2009 Author Share Posted May 8, 2009 Coruscant Entertainment Center Trizhdiy ("Thrice/Three Times") Tysyacha The piece is pretty dark, Tys. The only problem I had was the too swift transition from Kreia to Atris with no explanation as to how she had gotten to Malachor. The galaxy Atris envisioned would have been darker than any the Sith would imagine, if only because it would have been ‘for their own good’ rather than ‘because I say so‘. Pick of the Week kotorfanmedia Light Side Male Revan The Malakium, Part I: From Dark Lord to Nobody - Chapter 1, Confrontation Darth Balatro KOTOR aboard Star Forge: As he fights his last battle, Malak reminisces. The piece is well done, the only negative is the comment about medpacks, but since it came from a game this is merely a pet peeve of mine. The line used as the header on the link; that Sith never die because they were already dead was well timed, and an ironic look at the life he had chosen. Another of those I wish I could read all the way through. Pick of the Week Old Acquaintances Be Forgotten CandyStriper An interesting read. The idea that the Jedi might have a specific group trained in using the force for interrogation was in itself interesting, since as Jolee pointed out, using the force for coercion seems to me to naturally lead to the dark side. Pick of the Week Prologue: Every saga has a beginning... Mrthingx PreKOTOR: The calm before the storm. The work harkens back to the game, explaining a lot of Atris’ later actions. The idea that she and the Exile were either lovers or close to being lovers has been used by a lot of the authors here (Myself included) but the portrayal was unique in showing Atris’ heart more than the Exile. Pick of the Week The Plight of Darkness, Chapter One Forcefightwithme12 Originally reviewed 16 Dec 05 After the destruction of the Star Forge: Revan and Bastila start at loose ends. I have been asked several times to review this, and have held back to allow all the other reviews below it. It was worth the wait. The style is hesitant, and the author is right when she said she misspelled some things. It needs editing, and that is pretty much all I can say about it in a negative vein. You’re good kid. Really good. Reprise Pick of the Week After the Forge Revan’s Pet Duck Finale of KOTOR: Revan grieves for Bastila The piece is short admittedly, and mushy as the author said. But that doesn’t mean it’s not good. Pick of the Week Reconstruction, Chapter 1 Jerrig Tora PostKOTOR: As Revan and Bastila clean out pockets of resistance, the Jedi Council begins to consider how to deal with him. The piece is short, but even if the author doesn’t speak English as the first language, it was well written; needing only tweaking. First Impressions Nivenus KOTOR, No specific section given: Revan considers the relationship growing between him and Bastila. One editing problem, it’s incessantly not incisively. All in all it is short but good. Rebirth of the Fallen Hadrian A decade after KOTOR: As Taris rebuilds, a hunt begins The piece is interesting in a calm before the storm way. Seeing the characters from Taris rebuilding after the destruction was excellent. An interesting aside in the story with enough mystery about the teacher to make it compelling. Pick of the Week A losing Battle Helena L During the Mandalorian wars: Revan thinks of the one he left behind The weariness of a man near the end of the war is well portrayed, his thoughts as scattered as you would anticipate between wanting it to end, and wishing he had not gone. Pick of the Week. KOTOR3, Chapter 1: A bond story. Lord Revan Jeyon Some editing problems, you used past tense terns instead of present; healed, warned, killed. Then turned around and did it in reverse, took instead of take, respond instead of responded. But as I said in the first sentence these are editing problems disturbing the flow. Since my Exile never considered a relationship, I was surprised that with so many choices as to who, Mira isn’t on the list. I wonder why? Next Time Sebastian DeLaOsa Eight years after KOTOR: They finally have it out… The story is well written, and one reviewer’s comment regarding the end is very cogent. The biggest problem when writing is knowing when to stop. This is an editing problem nothing more. Pick of the Week Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted May 15, 2009 Author Share Posted May 15, 2009 Coruscant Entertainment Center The Onderonian Onslaught Nick Vader Before the Mandalorian Wars: The first steps in the war The piece is really too short to judge, except for the fact that asking questions during a scrolling beginning jarred the read. You probably meant perceptive when you wrote percpective. Technical note: Read my article in the Expert’s forum regarding military unit sizes. I don’t think the Mandalorian upper echelon would be bothered by a dozen Jedi, since that is what a squad implies. Welcome to the Forum. Galactic Economics Adavardes PostTSL: Anything can be rationalized Some problems with wording; ‘sporting a grizzly cut down his left eye‘ implies one of two things; a cut in his face that somehow did not cut his eye, or an actual blinding, but the verbiage was ambiguous. The piece is chilling because the rationale for the ending was so perfect. If I were to vote, This would have gotten one. Pick of the Week The Last Casualties of the Mandalorian Wars Darth Yuthura PreTSL: The trial of the Exile When you wrote contemptible, I think you meant contemptuous. The sentence ‘Atris countered me with a pointless reason of which she really did not understand, herself.’ might have been better as ‘Atris countered my argument with a rationale she really did not understand, herself.’ That being said, the read was interesting. As Tys said, I vacillated between who was right and like her, had to agree that both were right for different reasons. Pick of the Week Conspiracy, Betrayal, Destiny Writer About four years after ROTS: A conspiracy falls to the Force An interesting read, Writer. The basis was good, the ‘immortal’ character bothered me a bit, but that’s a personal foible. But it was good, and I can see why you won, because I would have voted for this one. Pick of the Week kotorfanmedia Happy Festival Sebastian DeLaOsa PostKOTOR: Even adults can be kids… The piece sneaked up on me in it’s own way. Starting with a series of negative comments near and dear to the American heart regarding fast food right up to action figures! I could picture the by play as Jolee Revan and finally even Bastila got into it. Very funny. Pick of the Week Prodigies, Chapter 1 Alyt Neroot Approximately 20 years before KOTOR: A young boy hopes for some companionship The piece was short but has a good flow. Looking at any form of transportation from a child’s view is fun, as long as you don’t hear the interminable ‘are we there yet’. Mandalorian Wars (Chapter I) Irhal Before the Mandalorian Wars: Two Jedi search for a murderer and his most recent victim. You used incorrect words several times; bounded instead of bonded, incarnated instead of incarnate, fight instead of fighting. You also left out words such as; tall (man in), blue armour. It seems from my read that English is not your native tongue. If that is the case, it was excellent work needing only editing. Except for the points I commented about above the flow was very good. Truth Revealed Lilianjoy KOTOR Before Leviathan: Revan reads Bastila’s diary The piece flowed well and it was a fun read; but what several people commented (Since it is before Leviathan, how does he know he’s Revan?) threw me as well. In my own work Sasha became an extra character I had a lot of fun with. In mine this could have been written. All in all though very good work Descent (The Redemption Saga: Part I) JediQB PostKOTOR: Carth Canderous and Revan are captured by the Sith The piece was an interesting read, and all of my comments are editorial in nature. Clark’s rule in writing is never use a phrase when a word will do, and never use a long word when a short one will do. For example ‘keeping them out of consciousness‘ should have been ‘keeping them unconscious‘. You also used a word incorrectly since inputted is not used when it is an action, only when regarding the past tense of that act. So you input data, but remember if someone else did it correctly. . Licking Gizka - Deleted Scene: A Mandalorian's Promise MotherMayhem KOTOR aboard Ebon Hawk: Juhani goes on a little trip without leaving the ship The piece caught me off guard. Remembering the infamous ‘toad sucking’ I wasn’t surprised by the effect of the Gizka. But the following scenes were a riot. The changes in the characters, the ship Juhani, were priceless. My favorite scene was the introduction of Tail. Pick of the Week Regret of the Fallen Revan64 During the climactic battle of the Star Forge: She only understands when it is too late… Revan64, you surprised me with this, and I loved every second of it! Pick of the Week Battle of the Heroes, Chapter 1 Kagi Vayun After the Leviathan: Revan and the crew deal with the revelations The piece was good if a bit generic. But it was worth the read. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Writer Posted May 15, 2009 Share Posted May 15, 2009 Well, it's actually not an 'undetermined time after ROTS'. It just wasn't stated right at the beginning. Somewhere in the middle, Idrin Karras was thinking about 'four years earlier' just before the rise of the Empire when "a hooded and cloaked figure claiming to be Reibe Vailar pledged her allegiance to the Emperor." As far as your personal issue with my character is concerned, I don't suppose it helps my case that Reibe isn't technically 'immortal'. She can be killed, and she will eventually die. She's just very, very, very long-lived Someday all of these little side-stories I'm writing will fall into place as one story; the life of Reibe Vailar. And only then will she truly make sense... ... actually, I take that back. I don't think she'll ever make sense, not even to me Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.