[Fic] My star wars book.

[Daft Adidas]

I fancy myself as a pretty good author. Not that i want to it's just pretty fun and i have made a start to a book called Jedi school it's not too logn and i will set up a poll for it. Don't be afraid to call it crap because i don't know if it was you who voted 1 or 2!

 

Star Wars Jedi School

 

In a galaxy far, far away………

 

Jedi Padawans Corakin To and Gar Canna are in a desperate attempt to save the best Jedi School in the Galaxy when mysterious new padawan enters by the name of Yuan. He has never spoken to anyone apart from Jedi masters but always seems to end up near the two Jedi.

 

When the droids start making several attempts to seize the North of Courasant for no reason, the school is worried and are curious why so many strange things are happening.

 

The two Jedi try to work out the problem themselves revealing a deadly secret……..

 

 

 

 

The bus pulled up outside the school and the two jumped off.

 

“What do we have today?” “Blaster deflection training to start off with then we have to hand in are essay on how to handle a sith then first interval then studying the differs between Crystal and Electrum.” “Then after interval we do fake droid practice and……. I sense danger.” “Me too” replied Corakin. They ran forward together and ignited their lightsabers Corakin’s blue and Gar’s green. There was a droideika rolling up to them then it stopped and its shield appeared and it started firing. Only few other’s came to help them. They blocked the fire well and slowly edged towards the droid. Then it started to roll again and Gar jumped out of the way avoiding to be hit. Then he threw his lightsaber and the droid disappeared. “What?” they both cried in confusion. Then from the roof Master Vanno jumped down and chuckled. “Good deflection there my padawans but your sense’s need to improve.” “But is disappeared?” “That was a hologram and the fire was mini floating blasters just following the hologram to make it look real most of the padawans passed this test I have set up.” “So it wasn’t real?” “The blasters were but the rest was couloured images.” “I didn’t know they even existed Master,” said Corakin. “Yes new technology.” “You must improve or you will fail your senses test this week.”

 

Here's some things where you can give me tips or what you liek about it.

 

Good Start?

 

Good book name?

 

Good description?

 

Good character names?

 

Good use of speech?

 

And anything else you would like to comment on.

 

The end........

 

EDIT.

 

Whoever voted BAD! don't be afraid to speak as i am not offended and tell me why you thought it was so.

[MrWally]

I voted "ok" for trying.

 

First off... fix all the grammatical mistakes. PLEASE. It hurt my eyes reading all the errors, no offense. Secondly, write the way people actually talk, that's key, at least in my opinion. Now you don't have to go into as much detail as Mark Twain, for example, but still.

 

Your story has no "meat" to it. In all honesty, it sounds like a bunch of little kids running around pretending to be Jedis "Oh lets work on BLASTER DEFLECTION first.. and then.. then... umm... how to fight... the SITH!" "Yeah!! That sounds like fun *runs around in circles swinging toy lightsaber* ohh.. umm. I sense a disturbance in the force!" In honestly reminded me of watching 4th and 5th graders playing improvisational acting games. Which is NOT fun.

 

Also, your story synopsis seems somewhat cliché:

 

Mysterious new figure enters the best academy there is attempting to learn about the enemy and is somehow connected to the main characters.

 

Harry Potter, anyone?

 

I mean, if you want to write, then write. But be original, and perhaps take some creative writing classes. Also study literary devices, such as archetypes, motifs, juxtaposition, symbolism, etc.

 

But it's better to start with this than to never start at all

 

 

 

EDIT: I should probably say I've never actually written an honest to goodness short story before, but English and writing kind of run in my blood. My brother is a screenwriter, my father wrote a book a couple years ago, and my mother was an English teacher. Also, English is my best subject... I got over 100% on the last English Final but again, it's not like I'm an authority on the subject.

[TiE23]

 

Also, your story synopsis seems somewhat cliché:

 

Mysterious new figure enters the best academy there is attempting to learn about the enemy and is somehow connected to the main characters.

 

Harry Potter, anyone?

I was thinking some bad chapter of Naruto actually.

 

What cracks me up is that I have no idea who is talking at first. Where this place is, what they are doing there, and who they even are. My brother wrote something like this, a comedy, when he was like 13, and it was better. There are no line breaks and you should have put it in [/code] so we could have seen any indentations.

 

Pick up a paperback novel and look at the format, use that.

[Hallucination]

You may wish to work on your punctuation and spacing, as well as fleshing out your plot a bit. With a little bit of detail I think this could be very entertaining.

 

You should also try posting it in the CEC if you want feedback from some other writers on LF.

[Carlo El Sanchez]

Wow cool your writing a book, why didn't you name it Star Wars Jedi Academy though, that sounds alot better.

[Johnpp]

Wow cool your writing a book, why didn't you name it Star Wars Jedi Academy though, that sounds alot better.

I think that name is copywrited. Anyway nice story, keep practicing though.

[Fuu]

All of them were bad.

 

nfwai mang.

 

 

@Darth Aida: I would suggest that you read some other fics <for example those found in the CEC, my own is linked in my sig.> to get a feel for it.

 

Also, get yourself a copy of "A Writer's Reference" by Diana Hacker. The latter was a mandatory companion through my college English classes. I found it recently and it’s been very handy for reference and for reminders about composition / grammar.

 

 

Fuu

[Grace]

I had to say it's not so good. The writing is disjointed and far too fast-paced. You thrust us into a story without even giving a hint at what you're going to write about. Also, as has been mentioned before, you make no distinction of who's speaking initially. I agree, this resembles a few kids playing pretend at Star Wars. I just don't see full book potential in this.

[Daft Adidas]

Yeh i kinda want to keep away from CEC as anybody there will probably give me bad feedback as they are probably good expierenced writers. As someone said it could be a good book and i'll work on it. I'll let u know who's speaking and where they are. Thanks for the comments.

[MrWally]

Well don't you WANT to go where there are experienced writers?

 

I mean, even if it's criticism, it'll be constructive criticism.

 

That's right, because I'll delete any criticism meant solely to harm. Pointing out mistakes for someone to fix is certainly appropriate and not harmful. Saying 'I hate x' is not constructive, however. Constructive criticism means also pointing out the things that were done well in a story, too. --Jae

[Daft Adidas]

Well don't you WANT to go where there are experienced writers?

 

I mean, even if it's criticism, it'll be constructive criticism.

 

Well i don't know how to move a thread either.

 

EDIT, here part two...................

 

Chapter 1

School Trip

 

 

The bell rang out and Corakin and Gar walked back into the school and headed off to Master Bork’s class for Blaster Deflection. They stood in their places and put on the helmets with the blaster shield down. Master Bork came in and spoke. “Morning class and we’ll be spending the next forty five minutes practicing with the shield down then later for fifteen minutes we’ll have a quick easy session of deflecting from the more slower paced orbs and yes you can use your eyes.” “Easy!” shouted one boy from the class. “Hmm you should not be so overconfident young Roy.”

 

They started. The orbs rose into the air and fired quite quickly. Corakin and Gar were very good as this. “I’ve deflected twenty in a row so far” said Gar. “Quiet I need to concentrate” Corakin sharply replied. Corakin had always been competitive at school something the Masters didn’t like about him. “Ah!” “Hmm you’re concentrating real well?” Gar laughed sarcastically. “Shut up.” After the first session he went through the class asking them how many times they had been hit. “Roy how many” asked Master Bork. “None blocked them all.” “Lies I sense in you Roy.” Roy always lied to the Masters and could be a real troublemaker sometimes. “Gar?” “Just once sir right at the end” he cheerfully replied. “Well done young boy you are improving” he smiled. “Corakin any better than yesterday?” “No, I was hit five times.” “Your competitiveness is ruining your work and makes you angry and spiteful.” “I know Master, I am truly sorry.” “Let’s hope your better this next round.” Master Bork finished off and they carried on, Corakin improving.

 

Later on Gar got a C plus for his essay and Corakin got a B plus but he didn’t boast as he knew that would be making him competitive and big headed. The rest of the day went well and after Lunch there was a gathering in the Great Hall. The head of the school Great Master Reno told us some interesting news. “Today we have two things to talk about firstly we have a new student joining class Year five and this young boys name is Yuan.” There was a large applause and then Gar whispered to Corakin, “That’s our class I wonder what he’ll be like.” “Ahh don’t worry it’s nice to see a new face” Corakin whispered back. “Also from next week from year two and up pupils be visiting Tatooine class by class.” “There depending on the year each pupil and their fellow Jedi will learn some things about the planet, its inhabitants and for some lightsaber training. Class four and up may earn a new lightsaber such as doubles blades an extra lightsaber.” “Yes I hope I can get two” whispered Corakin. “I prefer one.” “Suit yourself” Corakin chuckled.

[Rogue Nine]

Well i don't know how to move a thread either.

I do.

[Prime]

Just a couple techincal things that you can take or leave (not trying to nit-pick. Just suggestions):

 

- the visor on the helmet tends to be called a blast shield not blaster shield. It protects the wearer's eyes from blasts and explosions.

- the orbs you refer to are usually called training remotes or just remotes.

- for grades they probably wouldn't have an exact copy of the letter grade system. You might want to make something original here.

- Just a guess, but I would assume that dual or double saber training would be quite advanced and not taught to Jedi at a padawan level.

 

From the first part posted earlier:

 

- The word "bus" usually implies a distinct picture in the mind (to me anyway) that doesn't really fit in SW. The generic term is "transport" or "speeder".

- As for the holo-droideika, nothing there needs to be new tech if you don't want it to be. All that could be done by current SW tech.

 

Just some thoughts.

[Dark_Lady]

You should really start a new paragraph when a different person talks. Also, I'd try to put more detail on what's happening besides the conversation. For example, you could say how Corakin said something, or how he felt while he was saying it, and you could say more about the teachers, what they look like (maybe), what kind of feeling(s) they inspire in the students, etc.

 

I do like how you put in a few details about the students, like "Roy always lied to the Masters and could be a real troublemaker sometimes." That can help you get to like the characters more. Try to put more details like that.

[Diego Varen]

I voted okay, since it isn't the best Fanfic I've ever read. As Fuu suggested, try reading some Fics around the CEC, which might help and fix the spelling/grammar errors and you should do fine.

[Daft Adidas]

You should really start a new paragraph when a different person talks. Also, I'd try to put more detail on what's happening besides the conversation. For example, you could say how Corakin said something, or how he felt while he was saying it, and you could say more about the teachers, what they look like (maybe), what kind of feeling(s) they inspire in the students, etc.

 

I do like how you put in a few details about the students, like "Roy always lied to the Masters and could be a real troublemaker sometimes." That can help you get to like the characters more. Try to put more details like that.

 

 

Ok thanks when part three comes (soon) i'll add lots more detail explaining the detail of characters and plus when someoen said stuff about "bus" i just couldn't think of anything in a starwarsy term that's why.

 

EDIT Part three woo hoo!

 

 

Chapter 2

Kin and Rannio

 

 

The following fortnight Class 5 boarded onto a space shuttle and flew off to Tatooine. It was packed and noisy, kids being silly and some were getting headaches. They were accompanied by Master Kow a small human who was bald and chubby and fancied himself as a “FORCE MASTER!” though he was only a part time teacher as the school, some just called him Kow as the students said he shouldn’t be a master. The other was Deputy Head, Master Elena Koo a twi’lek girl who loved her pink lightsaber. She would take classes if any teacher was absent. She was young and Roy had a crush on her and only Corakin and Gar knew that and here’s why.

 

Corakin and Gar were sitting down and on the seat to the left they saw Roy gazing at her. Everybody liked her she was fun and wasn’t bossy and one brave Jedi.

 

Also Corakin and Gar thought Yuan was a strange fellow. They had kept record and he had only spoke to the masters and that was when they started the conversation he never put his hand up to answer a question and had never. Ever spoken to a pupil and his Grades were always A plus in everything. His Jedi skills were amazing.

 

“Funny fellow isn’t he that Yuan?” whispered Gar.

“Yes, sometimes I think something horrible has happened to him” said Corakin.

“What do you mean?” Corakin lowered his head and spoke even more quiet.

“Maybe death in the family” he said anxiously. Gar shuddered.

“Hope not, poor guy.” Their conversation was interrupted by the ignition of a lightsaber.

A bothan boy at the back called Kin who had a blue lightsaber suddenly slashed another human boy’s bag in half. This boys name was Rannio Moor and him and Kin did not get on. “You kick me again it won’t just be the bag that’s in half!” Kin sharply shouted. “I had some real important stuff in their!" Rannio moaned.” “Tough.” Kin was very hairy and we all know bothans are quite hairy but he was very hairy. Rannio was very tall and skinny and a bit nerdy and annoyed some there was nothing more to explain him.

 

Master Elena got out of her seat and walked to the back of the shuttle where the nonsense was happening. “Oh dear boys come on stop being silly and Kin never, ever ignite your lightsaber when not in a session it’s school rules” she said calmly. “We’re not in school” joked Kin. “Oh you’re a real joker well I’ll let Rannio off for kicking you but when we got to Mos Eisly your staying back at camp Kin.” “What but that’s not….” He moaned. “Tut, tut sssh no more, Rannio sit beside me.” “We’ll be making it into Tatooine in a few minutes Master Elena!” called the Rodian driver. “Ok thank you.”

 

They landed at camp and Kin jumped on bed and fell asleep as he knew he was staying there for a while. Master Kow was to watch over him.

 

They got on two large speeders and flew off and at halfway to Mos Eisly they stopped. “A few weeks ago I visited here and planted five crystals here in a three mile radius and you are to find them,” called Elena. I want you to get into five groups of four.”

Everyone scattered to there best friends and Yuan was alone.

“Hey Yuan!” He looked at then strangely. Yuan almost smiled but didn’t and joined them. “Hmm who else can we get?” Elena found Roy on his own too.

“Roy, go join that group there, there’s only three of them.” That was one of Roy’s best moments he was almost dreaming.

“Roy?” “You ok? Asked Master Elena. “Yes it’s hot that’s all.” “Yes I know now go join that group.”

 

“Oh great, Roy’s here!”

[Fuu]

I voted okay, since it isn't the best Fanfic I've ever read. As Fuu suggested, try reading some Fics around the CEC, which might help and fix the spelling/grammar errors and you should do fine.

 

I found that reading other fics helps me to get inspired. It reminds me that writing isn’t just about good plotlines, it’s also about how you lead your reader through the story. How you draw people into your characters, and make them think about what they're reading. Reflecting on other people's work gives me a fresh perspective on my own.

 

 

That being said,

 

DA I suggest you re read the comments and your fic, then do at least two revisions before you post it again . Write it in something like ms word that has grammar/spelling editing features. A wiser fic writer once suggested this to me, and I have found it invaluable in improving not only my fic but also my rusty spelling. This is also why I suggested “A Writers Reference”. Getting rid of grammar/spelling issues frees the reader from distractions & allows them to chew on the real meat of your story.

 

 

 

Now I just need to put my money where my mouth is.

[Daft Adidas]

I found that reading other fics helps me to get inspired. It reminds me that writing isn’t just about good plotlines, it’s also about how you lead your reader through the story. How you draw people into your characters, and make them think about what they're reading. Reflecting on other people's work gives me a fresh perspective on my own.

 

 

That being said,

 

DA I suggest you re read the comments and your fic, then do at least two revisions before you post it again . Write it in something like ms word that has grammar/spelling editing features. A wiser fic writer once suggested this to me, and I have found it invaluable in improving not only my fic but also my rusty spelling. This is also why I suggested “A Writers Reference”. Getting rid of grammar/spelling issues frees the reader from distractions & allows them to chew on the real meat of your story.

 

 

 

Now I just need to put my money where my mouth is.

 

I think part 2 was better but part three was good. I didn't have that many mistakes on 3 and i'm getting good. Thanks for the suggestions later on today i'm going to check over part 4 and then send it. I think people are getting more interested in my story.

[HappyMojo]

It could use a lot more work. Also, it's very hard to judge from such a small snippet. Be careful not to repeat words (look at the use of then). Also, use more comma's!

 

Rate: 2

 

“What do we have today?” “Blaster deflection training to start off with then we have to hand in are essay on how to handle a sith then first interval then studying the differs between Crystal and Electrum.” “Then after interval we do fake droid practice and……. I sense danger.”

[Daft Adidas]

It could use a lot more work. Also, it's very hard to judge from such a small snippet. Be careful not to repeat words (look at the use of then). Also, use more comma's!

 

Rate: 2

 

Ok i see the problem there..... i'll use more comma's but part 4 is where it gets ab it of action and that's coming today.

[HappyMojo]

Also, try putting it through MS Word. It will pick up most mistakes

[Daft Adidas]

Also, try putting it throug MS Word. It will pick up most mistakes

 

Well i don't know what it is and plus i don't have it but anyway heres part 4 hope this is better.

 

 

Chapter 3

Roy in Trouble.

 

They had been following their senses for ten minutes now but there was no sign of finding any thing until Roy did.

“It’s here!”

“No it’s isn’t Roy come on!” called Gar from ahead.

“No, no I swear it’s here!!!!!!! Trust me look!” He knelt down and scooped up a load of sand with the force.

“I found it!” The three ahead looked round and saw something gleaming in his hand. “Wow he’s right.” They stumbled their way back to him and praised him.

 

They called Master Elena.

“We’ve found a blue crystal we’ll be on are way back” said Corakin.

“Well done boys who found it?” Elena called.

“Roy.”

“Tell him well done bye.”

“Bye.”

“Oh bye the way there’s a speeder in the North for you guys if you can see.”

“Yeh I see it bye.”

 

“Master Elena said well done Roy” he told him.

“Oh my god” he breathed. Roy dropped and landed with a thump in the sand.

“Roy?” Yuan seemed almost invisible he just followed everyone around without saying a word.

“True love” chucked Gar.

“Stupid lover boy all she said was well done it’s not that exciting!” laughed Corakin.

 

They trudged through the sand while Corakin had Roy over his shoulder. Roy woke up. “Why am I looking at sand?” he thought to himself.

He thought someone had kidnapped him so he ignited his lightsaber and kicked Corakin in the side of the head where his foot had been.

 

“Wow it’s only us Roy!”

He put away his lightsaber and managed to mumble a…..

“Sorry.” Corakin pulled himself up.

“What happened?”

“Roy thought we was someone else” Gar said.

“You could have given me brain damage you idiot!” Corakin roared.

“I thought you already had brain damage” he joked. Corakin didn’t say a word and they climbed into their speeder.

 

Suddenly Roy was almost shot in the foot by two Droids on speederbikes.

“What the?” the three called excluding Yuan.

“I say get the hell out of here, back to camp!”

“We’re all going to die!” cried Roy.

“No we’re not their just droids for god sake!” shouted Gar.

 

While Gar flew the speeder Corakin got up and ignited his lightsaber. He blocked some fire and then force jumped onto the speederbike behind and cut the droid in half. The speederbike was about to crash so he jumped back onto his own. The second speeder barley missed hitting the crashing first but was still on their tail.

“I got one!” Ahead they could barley see a sarlaac pit.

“Let’s get that droid in there!”

“How?” asked Roy.

“You’ll see.” Then that plan was crushed when the speederbike fired and hit there own setting it on fire.

“It’s going to blow, jump!” They jumped in different directions and the Droid’s speeder crashed in the first explosion.

 

Roy fell too close to the sarlaac pit and started to slip closer to it. The radio which was Roy’s fell out of his robes and slipped into the pit.

 

Yuan made a cheeky grin which no one noticed and spoke for the first time.

“I’ll get help!” He ran as fast as he could back to camp.

“But we need you!”

He didn’t hear them.

 

“Help!” screamed Roy.

One of the sarlaac’s arms or legs grabbed Roy but Gar threw his green lightsaber cutting it in half. There was a sort of a gobbly moan from the sarlaac and there was no way they could get him out in time without falling in themselves.

 

For five minutes Gar and Corakin had been throwing their lightsabers at the sarlaac and Roy was inches from falling in and suddenly out of nowhere a speeder came in with Master Kow driving it and Yuan in the back they stopped and Kow gave a hand out to lift Roy up and he was saved.

 

“How did you end up there??”

[HappyMojo]

This chapter was a bit better, but you really have to slow down the pace of the story. It's like yoy have an idea, and is rushing towards it. Be more descriptive and build up tension. Take for instance this chapter. You are describing an entire action scene through dialogue, and I can't keep track of what is going on.

 

MS Word - http://office.microsoft.com/en-us/word/FX100487981033.aspx

Free alternative - http://www.openoffice.org

[Daft Adidas]

ok i'll slow it down a bit the next chapter is not action packed but will have a bit of tension.

[Daft Adidas]

here sorry for double posting but part 5

 

 

 

Chapter 4

Jedi Course

 

 

After explaining the long, long story they were all transported to Mos Eisly including Kin. They had to go in pairs as Master Elena said something about a course they had to take.

 

Everyone had an ice day in Mos Eisly and now they had to go and do this “Course.”

 

Corakin and Gar were last so they were ready to go in.

 

They walked through a gate and there were to paths one which was dark and going downhill and one which was heading to the city they listened to the dark path and heard breathing and they thought they saw shadows so they took the safer way. They came to a ladder and climbed it coming to a thin plank leading from the top of one building to another. They slowly edged forward but then two droids appeared on the building they were trying to get to. To be safe Corakin who was in front of Gar force pushed them off the building but it was a bad idea. When the droids hit the ground they got up and fired at the plank it wobbled and Corakin fell forcing Gar to jump after them. Corakin fell on his own two feet and cut up the stupid droids but then there was a road blockage and there was a small alleyway and that was the only way to go and they saw two super battle droids backs.

 

“This is some neat test they’ve set up” said Corakin. “I don’t want to go through that alleyway I feel like there are more than two there.”

“I agree maybe we should try and force jump onto the plank.”

“Good idea.”

 

They used all their strength and jumped up onto the plank, barley balancing on it they walked on top of the building.

 

They found a ladder going down but just jumped off the building instead. There was a one way road and they walked up it accompanied by the citizens of Mos Eisly who agreed not to be worried if there was a bit of a battle with these young Jedi and fake droids.

 

They walked along time and then came to a big cliff and then a hole in the ground going downwards.

“I say climb the cliff” said Gar.

“Me too.” They slowly climbed foot by foot and came to the top seeing a mix of regular battle droids and supers. They hid behind some bushes and thought their plan through.

“There’s far too many we’ll be killed for sure” said Corakin.

“This test wouldn’t lead us to our deaths thought would it?” replied Gar.

“Maybe we have gone the totally wrong way.”

“No, I feel we have gone the right way from the start anyway they are probably fake droids from the school which just give you a sting” explained Gar.

 

“Let’s avoid those droids and hide behind that tree, move through the bushes and up that path.”

“Ok agreed.”

 

They ran towards the three when Corakin fell over the stone. The droids turned round.

“Jedi!”

Now all those droids left there positions and chased after the two.

Corakin stayed behind to fight. Gar who was more wise shouted.

“We shall not fight, we must lead them to some sort of trap or somewhere, where they can get us!”

Corakin agreed with his friend and ran as fast as he could. They came to the end of the path and ran out into another part of Mos Eisly.

 

Corakin and Gar jumped to the top of a house and deflected some fire hitting a few droids. They then jumped off it and the droids struggled to keep up. They ran through a very narrow alleyway which the supers couldn’t get through and now they had less of a challenge and they could fight them.

 

They came to a halt turned around and ignited their lightsabers again.

The droids poured out and after a few swipes they were all scraps of metal.

 

They decided to run up the left of the room and surprisingly came to the finishing line where Master Elena waited for them.