Man Laws

[The Seeker]

Okay, I'm not the type to forward emails that have already been forwarded to a thousand strangers by the time they reach me, but this one struck me as pretty funny.

 

Man-Laws

 

1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

 

2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:

(a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.

(b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.

© After wrecking your boss's car.

(d) One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game".

(e) When she is using her teeth.

 

3: Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and

eaten by his buddies.

 

4: Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of

jail within 12 hours.

 

5: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits

forever unless you actually marry her.

 

6: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is forbidden.

However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

 

7: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man.

In fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is strictly optional. At that

point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the birthday boy's choice.

 

8: On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the

weakest.

 

9: When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may ask the

score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.

 

11: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're

sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless model and only when

it's free.

 

12: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to

kick another guy in the nuts.

 

13: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

 

14: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

 

15: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.

 

16: Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies

until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as

the other sports watchers.

 

17: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain

sober enough to fight.

 

18: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza,

but not both, that's just greedy.

 

19: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about

his choice of beer.

 

20: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours,

except if she's withholding sex pending your response.

 

21: Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting weights:

 

a) Yeah, Baby, Push it!

 

b) C'mon, give me one more! Harder!

 

c) Another set and we can hit the showers!

 

 

 

22: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing:

 

i.e., both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations,

an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.

 

23: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than

you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone.

 

Hang up if necessary.

 

 

24: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend" have

carnal, drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is

no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion occurs

about what a big mistake it was.

 

25: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her

to drive yours.

 

26: Thou shalt not buy a car in the colors of brown, pink, lime green,

orange or sky blue.

 

27: The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?"

with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets an Xbox. End of story.

 

28: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's Gymnastics.

Ever.

 

 

 

We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know

the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition

of each is listed below:

 

 

"GUTS" is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being

assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to say, "are you still

cleaning or are you flying somewhere?"

 

 

"BALLS" is coming home late after a night out with the guys smelling of

perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass and

having the balls to say, "You're next!"

 

 

We hope this clears up any confusion,

 

 

The International Council of Man-Laws, Ltd.

 

 

 

Dave Marble

[LightNinja]

Heh i have the same exactly mail but in spanish, as old as funny for me (saw it like..4 or 5 years ago, really)

[RoxStar]

I laughed aloud at a few of those. Good find.

 

 

7 Thumbs Up.

[jebbers]

27: The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?"

with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets an Xbox. End of story

 

Two years ago I got my girlfriend a GameCube. Only cuz she never said what she wanted.

[BongoBob]

...

 

That list is going to be hung upon my bedroom wall XD

[Jeff]

haha, nice. I think I've seen this list before but it's still funny

[Commander Obi-Wan]

I take it that the 10th law wasn't considered suitable for the forum?

 

I laughed aloud at a few of those.

 

As did I. Those were great.

[Jamps]

I wish I followed Rule 27 this Christmas. Oh well, Valentine's Day!

[MrWally]

"When she is using her teeth."

 

>.>

 

<.<

 

ouch.

[IG-64]

Yeah I saw that a few years ago. Rule 14 is still the best. Btw, about rule 26, I like orange cars, but they have to be a specific orange.

[Mike Windu]

Another set and we can hit the showers!

 

Oops.

[MrWally]

I'd say a VERY large majority of my friends are on the swim team and they wear speedos on a regular basis.

 

 

EDIT:

 

 

This thread got me thinking about something that I wrote with my brother the summer before last:

 

Manly Camping

 

So this past weekend I went on the Men's Canoing Trip with my church. A canoe trip advertising an adventurous time in the rugged outback of the Wisconsin River. We had about sixty five kids and parents and as the weekend wore on I quickly realized that there must be a sort of "man-code" primarily apparent on middle aged suburban men with lots of money. I've developed a great respect for this man-code and feel the need to share it for all those ignorant campers out there who like to "rough it." All of the following is based on true events.

 

When men go camping...

 

bonfires

- bonfires can't be made unless you drag an eight foot tree down the river in your canoe for three miles with you

- these eight foot trees are needed because your bonfire must always have regulation three foot flames to meet the man-code

- because such large logs are necessary to fuel your regulation fire, you can't forget your gas powered chain saw

- even though chainsaws are discouraged by your local park ranger, that doesn't matter because "discouraged" means "you shouldn't really use that," wink wink, nudge nudge, nodding broadly while I "discourage you", and "hey I'd better give this sucker a try to make sure it's 'up to code'"

- even though the bonfire is three feet high, keep some lighter fluid on hand to shoot it up to five feet every so often, because "you think it might have gone out there"

 

food

- a one pound pork chop/steak for every camper is absolutely obligatory

- seconds should always be available

- having about fifteen leftover pork chops to toss in the fire means you've done your job and are in line with man-code

- a pork chop that could bust your gut by itself isn't enough. Mashed potatoes, pork and beans, apple sauce and salad should also be provided

- a desert of fresh fruit, say pineapple and watermelon is also a necessity

- you haven't done your job unless there's about ten pounds of leftovers to bury in the sand before you go to bed

- remember that while having two people in a canoe is more cost effective, you will need several single canoes to get all of your twenty plus coolers down the river (and don't forget the trees you have to cut down on the way, those need single canoes as well)

- for breakfast, eggs must be accompanied by hash browns and ham and other such side dishes, and pancakes are fine but only if you have plenty of blueberries to stuff them with

remember to bring plenty of shovels and toilet paper. You will need them a few hours after each meal

 

Fishing

- a man ought to talk about fishing even if they have hardly ever done it before

- It is perfectly acceptable to drag your line behind your canoe for the entire trip and not catch a thing because it is never your fault, but the fishes fault

- catch and release is perfectly acceptable in man-code because it makes the fish easier to catch for the next guy, and so on and so forth.

- sons are great on fishing trips because if you don't have a license you hand the pole to your son and say he caught all those bass and catfish.

 

 

Tents

 

Tents are more or less the grey area in man-code. A man can have a tiny "two person" tent that may fit your two seventy pound sons but certainly not a 300 hundred pound giant of a man such as yourself and be perfectly acceptable because then he is "roughing it" (insert grunts here). Of course, a large two room tent with a netted "porch" area is admirable because it's freakin' big. Also, not bringing a tent at all and sleeping under the stars is fine as long as you don't complain about it in the morning. Even if your covered in mosquito bites, you still must not complain. The long and short of it is that the man who can weather a 30 minute flash flood and have the interior of his tent stay dry is the real man. This however, has little to do with the tent itself and everything to do with tent location and your ability to get all those poles in the right gromits and all that crazy fly properly strapped down.

 

 

Misc.

- on the subject of waste disposal, all non-food trash must be burned, period. The ozone layer was a myth created by fire-fearing housewives and should be ignored

- camping chairs: the larger the chair the better and the man whose chair reclines and has a foot rest is automatically the leader of the tribe and should be held in great awe

- men in large groups do not sing.

- there is no competition in canoing. I know, this may seem shocking but there are two main reasons for this:

a. the man who paddles in two hours later then everyone probably also had his twelve year old paddling as well, and as a right of passage tradition the father is expected to let his son do all the heavy paddling while he sits in the back and steers by turning his paddle left or right. Such things are time honored traditions and put things such as "spirit," "spit," and "grit" in your son.

b. a man in a single canoe who paddles in two hours later then everyone else has the eight foot log piled on top of his three coolers as proof of his manliness. Such men are gods among boys.