[Fic] Bounty on Hoth

[Daft Adidas]

The night twinkled in the sky over Naboo. Silently one man crept outside one rich mans swimming pool and he carefully let a Time Bombfall into the water. He moved away and hid in a bush.

 

"I should be killing, not blowing up pools" he muttered. He then thought back to what his friend had said.

 

"Do this and your getting 200,000 credits." Though why is blowing up pool and make a little damage so important? This question was running over and over again in Ringo's mind like a treadmill. He jumped out of his skin as the water came flying up and then splashing down. The water was drained away in a giant crater from at the bottom of the pool. Lights switched on from windows all around Theed and Ringo had to dash. He clicked the button on his Jetpack and he came zipping up into the sky and zoomed off back to collect his credits.

 

Ringo has always been a loner throughout his life. Until he met this "friend". This "friend" was called Valux and was just a normal or lets say rich human. Everything Valux has said has been true. Valux was an odd looking fellow. He was quite old. Seventy or so. But ften would ask Ringo to do some little missions. Now as Ringo thought about Valux he was pretty sure that he would receive his credits. He met him ten years ago in Coruscant. Ringo would have died if he had not come to him.

 

It has been another dark night and Ringo had left his home or had been kicked out by his cruel and menacing father. He took to the streets and lived down the same old alleyway for weeks and weeks. One of those weeks he caught a cold or something more serious and was about to die. When Valux came and rescued him. Valux asked for oen thing in return and be his personal Bounty Hunter who he will order to kill or annoy someone. Just like he'd blown up that pool for some bogus reason.

 

It was still night. He had came to Valux's door. He knocked. It was very silent. Seemed a little too silent for a fact. He knocked against. Still no answer. He opened the door and called out softly.

 

"Valux? Valux? I did it. I hit the pool. Are you ok?" he asked sullenly.

"Ringo? Is that you?" A croaky voice called from the kitchen.

 

Ringo switched the light on and gasped with horror. Valux lay on the floor bloud dripping from his head.

 

"Who did this!" Ringo shouted out loud in anger.

"Him" Valux said even more croakily this time struggling to point at a picture on the wall.

 

"Every single Bounty Hunter who went after him. Never came back. Though I know you can do it. Sadly I can't pay you anything as I am in my final moments. Please. Do this for not just me, but for the galaxy. Oh and your credits are in, are in, are i-" There was a horrible last breath or desperation and he died. Just like that quick as anything.

 

Ringo didn't wait. He went looking for all news, info, people, places so he could find where he'd be heading next. After talking to some families and sightings from telegrams he found out or in other words worked out he would be heading for Hoth and Ringo was already going there.

 

Ringo has been travelling for a while and finnaly saw the ice cold snowy planet. He also saw another very small ship heading the same way and he knew what this was about. It's not all the time you see someone head for Hoth so it must be this man. No one knew his name.He just made life a horror. Just killed people for the sake of it. A truly evil mind.

 

He then came up behind the ship and made some rapid blasts at the ship. That ship started to have problems with flight and came swirling down heading to Hoth and Ringo was on his tail. He hit it one more time and it came soaring into an icy cave. Ringo laughed but touched down in the middle of this icy planet and went over to the ship. No one was in it. Then there was a thud behind him. Another bounty hunter stood behind him.

 

"Why are you firing at my ship?" he asked in a posh accient.

"I thought you were the Unknown Identity. I'm after him" Ringo said mustering on a brave voice.

 

"Small world. I am also hunting him. Though you made one big mistake firing at me and where you made my ship crash. That's wher he is. In that cave. So come and me and you. Whoever wins has the easy target. Just go in for the kill."

 

Ringo didn't hesistate and jumped up then whacking him in the mouth with a bit of Martial Arts. Ringo flew up with his jetpack and blasted two homing rockets after him. The other Hunter stumbled up and saw them heading for him. He rolled out the way and the came into the snow throwing it up in an icy explosion. Before you could blink Ringo came onto his enemy and put him in an arm lock and oulled so tight the enemy's arms cracked and he crumpled straight away with a moan.

 

He dusted himself down and he slowly went into the cave. He climbed over the wrecked ship and crouched down. He slowly moved in and found a dead body. It was him, that Unknown Identity. Ringo looked up and saw a whole in the top of the cave. Another bounty hunter had flown up and away.

 

Ringo was too late.

[Emperor Devon]

I can tell you're improving, Aida - you're now using proper grammar, the fic is Star Wars-y, and the fic has some twists to it.

 

It still could use some improvement IMO, mainly character-wise - they didn't feel like they had quite enough personality to me (the murderous bounty hunter in particular). Apart from that, there's general polishing (what the characters are feeling, what they look like, etc.)

[Daft Adidas]

Well so far each time has got better. I thought it was pretty good this time as I really rushed it. (i thought i only had an hour left to put it in). Thanks!

[Sabretooth]

I think it was a good fic, which needed some character development. But what it needed the most was editing. Aida, read through the fic and correct it - that could have solved a lot of problems. You have definitely improved quite a bit, in fact, more than anyone I've seen! Just write, edit and remember to flesh some things out, and you'll be a force to reckon with.

[Diego Varen]

I have to agree with Sabretooth and Emperor Devon that you've improved since your first piece and these are now finally starting to feel more like Star Wars pieces (sorry, but your past ones didn't really do it for me). Character development is needed, but that is the only thing that needed improvement for me. Well done.

 

8/10.

[Daft Adidas]

Thanks guys. Edit time.

[Daft Adidas]

Sorry for the Double Post but i had no choice. I can't edit it? What's going on?

[Sabretooth]

You can't edit fics in Javyar's Cantina!

 

Editing is disabled here - that's why you need to check and doublecheck your fics before posting. Fear not, you'll be able to edit your fic once it enters the CEC.

[Daft Adidas]

Thanks Sabretooth. I guess that makes it fair afterall.

[Darth InSidious]

Definitely an improvement upon previous works, though some bits happened a little too quickly. In all, I think, with some fleshing out, perhaps this would work better as the central plot of a novel than as a single short story. Some irregular grammar, too, which made this a little tricky to read, and the characters were could have been fleshed out a good deal more, but nonetheless, a great improvement and a good plotm some nice description, some good characterisation and an interesting juxtaposition of locations. 6/10.

[Daft Adidas]

*grabs dictionary* looks up juxtaposition. Oh that's whatit means.

[JasraLantill]

Agree with everyone that your writing skills are improving, DA. More character development is needed, (I’d suggest adding in more feelings and thoughts for your characters), and there are a few grammatical errors (like "your" for "you’re", and "whole" for "hole", that sort of thing), but nothing that couldn’t be fixed with a bit more proofreading (and time!). The plot was very interesting, and I really liked the twist at the end. Poor Ringo!

 

Now, I’m probably nitpicking but one thing did kind of catch my eye—your use of the word 'or'.

• Ringo had left his home or had been kicked out by his cruel and menacing father. Which is it? Kicked out or just left? The sentence would read better as: Ringo had left his home after being kicked out by his cruel and menacing father. If that was what you were meaning, of course.

• …he caught a cold or something more serious... Try: He caught a serious cold.

• …he found out or in other words worked out... Just pick either ‘found out’ or ‘worked out.’ They mean the same thing.

Just something for you to keep in mind for your next fic.

 

But overall very creative story! Keep up the good work!

[Daft Adidas]

Yeh i see those mistakes. Thanks for pointing them out. I am honoured for my fic to be commented on by such high talent!

[JasraLantill]

It's not talent, it's practice. So keep writing!

[Diego Varen]

Also Aida, an off-topic question, but was Ringo named after the drummer from the Beatles? However, I do agree with Jasra that you should keep writing.

[Daft Adidas]

Yep. Ringo! Yeh the only way to get better is keep writing. I've seen happen over the past few years.

[Bee Hoon]

You've shown definite improvement! There's still typos and misspellings here and there, but that can be fixed easily enough once the fic is moved to the CEC. One thing that struck me was that it's pretty unlikely that Valux would use his last breath to tell Ringo where the credits were. Keep writing! The story has a lot of potential:)

[Jae Onasi]

Definitely better. I agree it feels more 'Star Wars' and fits better with that. I saw you trying to use more fight descriptions, which was a nice improvement. What kind of martial arts moves did he do? Kicks? Punches? Something else? I did find the use of the name 'Ringo' a little jarring--it's a modern Earth name, and every time I saw that name it pulled me out of the story and into thinking about the Beatles. Plus, there can be only one Ringo.

[Empress Padme]

I liked that he was named Ringo.I really like how the planet Naboo was mentioned.That planet doesn't get enough props. Good story , I really liked it.

[machievelli]

I'm giving you a preview of the critique for this story this week.

 

The style is a bit ragged and confusing. Part of the problem as I commented to a writer about a year ago was that a game will lump weapons and styles into categories, but you have to be more specific. You are using comments that fit in game-speak, but for writing makes it either confusing or irritating to your readers. I wrote articles in the resource center all ready about weapons, military units, fleet operations flight operations and small unit tactics.

 

As an example, instead of martial art, you could use (Just known ones on earth) Tai Kwan Do, Kung Fu, Tai Chi Judo, Savate, Su-chai (An Apache hand to hand style), even wrestling and boxing. I believe I commented on you choice of statements about weapons last week.

 

Looks like I am going to have to do a ‘martial arts’ article…