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Second Contest: Story!

Boba Rhett

By Boba Rhett
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Artoo Newbie

Artoo

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okay that last half was like comically unedited, but I wanted to get it up bad. I have stuff to do tonight, but I'm gonna post a re-re-re-re-edit probably tomorrow or saturday.

 

sorry for the wait but school is a littel tougher.

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Tie Guy Newbie

Tie Guy

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Originally posted by JEDI_MASTA

*just then the riders hear something... it slowly grows louder*...

 

 

they turn around only to see MASTA!!! riding in on the jedi mobile behind the bus... (it really hurts... u guys forgot me :'(

 

 

Where do you live? Arkansas?

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darthfergie Newbie

darthfergie

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Originally posted by jediduo

Sweet, Artoo!! That was great! Hooray for chuckles the wonder wampa. Um, guys, I kinda got in trouble for being on the forums too much, so I won't be on near as much. I am very very very very mad.

 

35 posts is alot???

 

BTW, you done plum ferg't som o'da terns dat we ben'a'pasin tru. Y'u no dos meterpolises lik Possum Hollow, Possum Gap, Ash Flat, Deer Head, Hog Gap, Paris, Addiction, Possum Acres an dat streng un Graphic. Y'u g't ta'hav dese terns o dey wun' bee'na'stery...

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Darth Homer Newbie

Darth Homer

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Originally posted by darthfergie

BTW, you done plum ferg't som o'da terns dat we ben'a'pasin tru. Y'u no dos meterpolises lik Possum Hollow, Possum Gap, Ash Flat, Deer Head, Hog Gap, Paris, Addiction, Possum Acres an dat streng un Graphic. Y'u g't ta'hav dese terns o dey wun' bee'na'stery...

 

damn, I wish I could read that....:confused:

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Artoo Newbie

Artoo

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hehehe, I wish I could write that, oh well, here's the incredible revision, incredibly-large that is, to stay as told right now.

 

Chapter 17: My Genuine Boomstick

 

After waiting about 3 & ½ hours in Florida traffic (hey the people there are old. I mean come on! The Cadillacs are basically starter coffins!) they sped into Alabama. It was here that Wraith 5 discovered the bus’s manual. “Oh! Wait a minute. Do you guys wanna learn something?”

 

Everyone immediately replied, “No!” except for [bChase[/b] who was busy trying to busy himself.

 

“Well too bad here goes anyway. Did you know that this bus’s original intention was to be a gargantuan war-machine that reigned death upon all the enemies of the land of the rising sun?”

 

Rhett whose little ears perked up like a child on the day of Christmas in Silicon Valley (no, I don’t know what that meant either, but it sure sounded cool) immediately exclaimed, “Did you say hore-machine!?!”

 

“No, no. War-machine,” answered Wraith 5.

 

“Oh,” replied Rhett.

 

“Wow Havoc! They even have a page in here about your wife!”

 

“Oh let’s hear it,” said Havoc.

 

“Let me see, should you encounter a ‘Havoc’s wife’ in the wild. There is only one thing you can do. See page 2876 Section AAA Article 45G. Ok then.” Flip, flip, flip, flip, flip. “Here we go, get on your bony knees, and pray to whatever God you believe in cause boy, you gonna die,” stated Wraith 5, “that’s not very encouraging.” “Now back to something happier, did you guys know that there was a satellite T.V. in here!?!” he exclaimed.

 

“Where is it?” asked Homer, “the roof? Badda-Bing!”

 

“Will someone throw something at him and make it heavy,” said Rhett.

 

Immediately David, Leon and Wraith 9 tried to rip a seat out of the floor, pulling several muscles in their backs in the process. Eventually Eets just pulled some Dog-Fu on

Homer and left him lying there in a puddle of his own urine and vomit.”

 

Wraith 5 immediately cried out, “My God Eets! You killed him!”

 

Only one thing escaped from Homer’s lips, “I’m not dead.”

 

Havoc said, “Ok, I’ll indulge him just one time. Let’ see how did that line go again? Oh yes, Nonsense! You’ll be stone dead in a moment.”

 

“No you fool. I am in dire need of medical assistance,” said Homer.

 

“I don’t remember that line,” said Chase.

 

“You also don’t remember what your favorite color is,” said Rhett.

 

At this, Chase ran to the back of the bus saying, “I was sure it was purple! I was sure it was purple! Or was it Yellow? Or was it Yurple?”

 

It was then when TieGuy said, “Actually, I would classify him as ‘critically injured.’” And a large discussion ensued. Everyone finally quieted down or went to sleep except for TieGuy of course who was still making a point of some sort and Thrawn who was tanked on Cocoa and cheese. When they crossed the border into Arkansas. When they first entered the state, they realized how much better it looked than Alabama, Mississippi, or Florida.”

 

Leon was the first to exclaim, “Look at all the natural beauty!”

 

“The trees! The flora! The…” interjected David however he was unable to finish that sentence. For it was right then when he saw a man with more defects than a Hudson River Trout wearing nothing more than a John Deere hat, some patched overalls and, single left shoe. Due to the excessive fear the only person who did not scream like a little schoolgirl was Heavyarms who screamed could easily classified as a little Japanese schoolgirl’s. Granted, the overalls would not have been that bad however this man was in dire need of a bra (D Cup at least (or a Bro if you’ve seen that Seinfield episode)).

 

Rhett slowly pulled up to the yokel to hopefully ask for directions, but before he could say anything the man began talking, “Howdy ya’ll! I’m Lieutenant Guvenuh Asa Hutchison. The Guvenuh Mike Huckabee was gonna be here, but he was getin his formal overalls cleaned.” This was all the man could get out, before Rhett peeled out trying to get out of there.

 

“That was scary,” said Chase.

 

“Yes it was Chase, yes it was,” said Rhett.

 

As they neared Little Rock, they encountered a house stranger than all those they had passed. It had many cars in the yard, and none of them looked like they ran. But this was not the strange part. There were also many pieces of Star Wars memorabilia lying around along with several bicycles. All of a sudden a strange cloaked man exited the house. Suddenly the cloak flew up in the back as if a very loud stinky wind had blown through it followed by the sound of a bus backfiring. “Sorry guys.” Said the hooded man.

 

“Are you Darthfergie?” asked Rhett.

 

“Maybe I am, and maybe I ain’t, and maybe I kinda am except for… (insert fart noise here) fine yes, just let me in the bus.”

 

“Is that a landspeeder over there?” asked Dash pointing to one of the hunks of metal in the yard.

 

“Very astute of you,” said Fergie, “it very well is. My dad even gave it a custom paint job,” he said beaming with pride at the Confederate flag painted on the hood. “And it even plays Dixie,” he said while pressing the horn. Immediately those on the bus heard that all too familiar strain of music.

 

“We’ve been hearing that for the last 2 states!” exclaimed C-dog. “What is the meaning behind it?” he asked.

 

“Well ya see,” replied Fergie, “there was a big war back in the day between the north and the south. And we whipped em. And this was our song we played all the while, so people now play it to remember the south.”

 

“Oh,” said C-dog as they headed down the road.

 

“Do you know how to get anywhere in this state? Your road system makes less sense than Rhett’s little brother at times,” said Thrawn.

 

“Well you better let me drive, cause you don’t know the back-road through Cotton Plant, or the shortcut through Toad Suck and straight to Pickle’s Gap,” replied Fergie.

 

After hearing the names of these towns Thrawn quickly conceded the driver’s seat and scurried his way to the back of the bus to avoid the smell emanating from Fergie.

 

After 45 minutes and passing through several very poorly named towns such as Guy and Smackover, they pulled up to a happy middle class home seemingly in the middle of nowhere.

 

“Hey Artoo!” shouted Fergie, “You wanna go on a road trip?”

 

Immediately the door opened and a guy with a bad case of acne came out. But what was most unusual about this person was the little fuzzy plush doll he carried with him. “Yeah Buddy! You know I’m always up for a good road trip! Where is it this time, 56?” He suddenly held the little doll up to his ear. After a second he took the doll away, looked at it strangely and called out, “Chuckles wants to know if that bus gets satellite.”

 

It was at this point when Rhett’s curiosity got the better of him and he called out, “Yes, but what is that you have in your hands?”

 

“Oh this is just Chuckles the Wily Wonder Wampa! He talks to me and helps me and gives me really good advice,” replied Artoo.

 

“C’mon Artoo we gotta pick up Jatt!” yelled Fergie.

 

“Ok,” replied Artoo, “But you better let me drive it’s pretty tricky getting through Weiner and Crows.”

 

“Ok,” said Fergie as he got up and headed to the back.

 

After mounting Willy in the windshield through the miracle of window-suction cup technology, and with a big “YEEEEEEEEHAAAAAW!!!” They set out for Jatt’s house.

 

Another hour down the road Artoo suddenly cried out, “Hey ya’ll! Look out the winder! We’re passin through Flippen Arkansas! There’s the Flippen House of Pancakes, the Flippen McDonalds, and the Flippen Baptist Church!”

 

I need to stop at the Flippen Wal-Mart to get me some Flippen whiskey,” said Rhett.

 

“And I need some Flippen cheese!” exclaimed Dash.

 

As they pulled into the parking lot, Heavyarms finally awoke from one of his various comas he’s been put into on this trip he said, “Finally. I need a F*****G bathroom break.”

 

“Heavyarms,” said Leon, “It’s supposed to be Flippen! Like the name of the town! That’s what makes it a pun.”

 

“We’re in a town called Flippen?” asked Heavyarms.

 

“Just get off the bus,” said David.

 

Everyone exited the bus and proceeded inside the Flippen Wal-Mart. (Man we are Flippen milking this Flippen piece) Inside while everyone was admiring the Flippen Wal-Mart’s Flippen three rows of glory Rhett was in pursuit of some moonshine. He proceeded to the isle 2 register and said to the clerk, “Hey, do you have any of the good stuff?”

 

The clerk glanced to his sides to make sure no one was watching and he whispered to Rhett, “You bet your sweet uncle Milte’s bronzed and brassed sow barrel filled with genetic test chickens dumped by Tyson we do.”

 

“Ah good, I’ll have 3 of your finest jugs,” replied Rhett.

 

The clerk stared at him blankly, “Come again sir?”

 

“I said 3 of your finest jugs, moonshine my good man,” said Rhett.

 

The clerk flew into a fit of rage that could barely be contained by his 5’ 9”, 78 lb., paper-thin body. “Son, do you have any idea how offensive I find that!? Ever since that g** d*** DELIVERANCE movie came out, everybody thinks we’re a bunch of moonshine running unlearned social pariahs. I could sue you for slander!” exclaimed the clerk.

 

“What are you going to do to me? My body is filled up with such a volatile combination of delivery pizza, whiskey, movie nachos, ANY domestic beer imaginable, Shipley’s finest (and not so finest) donuts, a little bit of vodka, an amount of candy bars that only god and the Hershey spy satellite orbiting above us know, AND the poor man’s hooch floor polish!!!” replied Rhett calmly. You couldn’t pierce my alcohol infused liver with a samurai’s sword.

 

“Well I wasn’t thinking much about your liver, but I think this could do a’ might to your head, though I do not know what it would damage,” said the clerk as he introduced Rhett to a genuine 4 (yes 4) barreled “boomstick.” But what Rhett was focused on was the message on the left and rightmost barrels. It read as follows, “Lil’ Sakura. Cause Aimin’s fer sissies.”

 

“Why is it named Little Sakura?” asked Rhett trying to distract the clerk from causing a very big ouchie.

 

“Well,” said the clerk, “That Little Sakura thing was on there when I got’s me the gun. It came from Japan.”

 

“You’ve been to Japan?!?” said Rhett?

 

“Good Lord boy! What planet are you from? Canada? I ordered this on tha E-Bay on that there computermatation machine, though I’ll be derned if I ever heard of a bay named E,” said the clerk.

 

“Why on earth do you have 4 barrels?” inquired Rhett.

 

The shopping clerk finally putting his gun on the counter replied, “Well that’s a silly question, cause 5 would simply be excessive.”

 

Rhett seeing the man was not going to shoot him, “What did you think when I said good stuff exactly?”

 

“Why the best stuff of all, Crystallized Methanfetamines finest in most of Arkansas,” replied the clerk.

 

Rhett was about to reply when he noticed Artoo holding that stuffed Wampa up to his ears again. “What’s that Chuckle’s?” said Artoo. “You say we should go to the toy isle? Ok, but I don’t know why,” said Artoo as he headed to the toy section. “SWEET ACTION!!!” exclaimed Artoo.

 

Rhett looking for any escape from further conversation with the clerk headed towards the toy section to see what Artoo was babbling about. “What are you… SWEET BOBA FETT’S PINE-SCENTED, GALVANIZED CODPIECE!!!” he exclaimed as he stared at an entire row of vintage ’77 Star Wars action figures. “If only they had a *gasp* Princes Leia in Jabba palace bikini!” exclaimed Rhett as he ripped open the box and grabbed the action figure.

 

Sherack who was wondering at the commotion asked, “Ummm, Rhett? Why are you fondling the action figure?”

 

“Just give me 5 minutes!” exclaimed Rhett.

 

“I don’t even think it’ll take that long,” replied Havoc, which only added to Sherack’s mounting confusion.

 

Rhett eyed the rest of the figures and then checked to see if anyone was coming. When the coast was clear he grabbed them all and stuffed them inside his XXXXL T-shirt. When he finally got them situated to where they wouldn’t shift around he yelled at everyone, “Okay guys! It’s time to move out!”

 

With several grumblings people got back on the bus. There were only 3 things that could be heard clearly in the bus, Rhett fondling the action figure, Eets shivering from a Meth letdown, and Artoo talking to Chuckle’s, “What was that Chuckles? A chapter that was so drawn out it seemed like it would never end? You wily, wacky, wonderful, waffle-wolfing, Wampa.”

 

Finally after leaving the Wal-Mart and passing through Wooster, they came upon Jatt’s house. When they stopped Fergie yelled out, “Hey Jatt! Git out here! We goin ta California!”

 

Jatt walked out of his house and into the bus and upon seeing Chuckles he said, “Hey you brought Chuckles! Is he wearing his Eat Tauntauns, Cuddle Wampas shirt?”

 

“Nope,” replied Artoo, “That was Tuesday. Today it’s his ‘I ate the cook' apron.”

 

Jatt took his seat when Chuckles whispered into Artoo’s ears, “What was that Chuckles? End the chapter now? Ok.”

 

---------------------------------------------

 

"Well you know what this means, size doesn't matter and screw the limit!"

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Tie Guy Newbie

Tie Guy

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Posted
Originally posted by Darth Homer

Why is it that I have a bit part at the begining of ever chapter and then not seen again 'till the next one? Oh well, at least I'm not being left out completely! :D

 

Because in the story you are incredibly annoying so after you say one thing everyone shuts you up. ;) Similar to what happens to me, i can't really say/argue more than one thing in a chapter.

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xwing guy Newbie

xwing guy

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Just lettin' yall know since yall are gonna be picking my up soon I figured that yall should know a little about the names of thangs and places. First I go to school in Atlanta, TX, but I live about 10 minutes outside of Atlanta out in a pasture and with lots of forests around. Second I play 9th grade football and our mascot is the rabbit(don't laugh our varisity beats everybody) and we're big rivals with a town thats right next to us called Queen City. Atlanta's pop is 5,745 since the census in 2000. Our towns industry is logging so you'll see lots of log trucks going down the road. Also the highway that you go down and then off of in order to get to where my house thats in the middle of nowhere goes straight down to the state line with Lousiana where all the beer joints are. Use this information however you want to Sherack, its at your disposal.

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Eets Newbie

Eets

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Posted
Originally posted by darthfergie

[Hick]

Ay Artoo wart abut min Jedy pow'r? Y'u ferg't ta put't en der. Evarbodi nos dat I hav som o' da mos pow'rfll pow'rs en da werd. An ya ferg't abut me Stair Wers sherts. An ya stile lef ot Possum Hollow, Possum Gap, an Hog Gap! Ya gost ta reminder dat stuf.

[/Hick]

 

*kicks fergie in the shins in hopes that he'll either shut the blank up, or talk like a normal person*

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