Sivy Posted August 22, 2002 Share Posted August 22, 2002 Give us your best jokes. Bubba was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them." Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Bubba how about Tom Cruise?" "Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Bubba and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and sure enough, Tom Cruise, shouts, "Bubba! Great to see you! You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!" Although impressed, Bubba's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Bubba that he thinks Bubba's knowing Cruise was just lucky. "No, no, just name anyone else," Bubba says. "President Clinton," his boss quickly retorts. "Yes," Bubba says, "I know him, let's fly out to Washington." And off they go. At the White House, Clinton spots Bubb on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Bubba, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up." Well, the boss is very shaken by now, but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White house grounds, he expresses his doubts to Bubba, who again implores him to name anyone else. "The Pope," his boss replies. "Sure!" says Bubba. "My folks are from Poland, and I've known the Pope a long time." So off they fly to Rome. Bubba and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Bubba says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope." And he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican. Sure enough, half an hour later Bubba emerges with the Pope on the balcony. But by the time Bubba returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics. Working his way to his boss' side, Bubba asks him, "What happened?" His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me said, "Who's that on the balcony with Bubba?" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sivy Posted August 22, 2002 Author Share Posted August 22, 2002 Doctor! I have a serious problem, I can never remember what i just said. When did you first notice this problem? What problem? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
whitedragon Posted August 22, 2002 Share Posted August 22, 2002 ok a man had just had his 7th child and so e went to get a vasectamy he told the doctor and the doc said "its a very simple problem all you have to do is put an m80 in a can, light it, put it up to your ear and count to 10 on your fingers" the man dident know how this would help but he did it any was and he started to count "1, 2, 3, 4, 5" he couldent count to ten with the can in his other had so he put the can between his legs to hold it "6, 7, 8, 9...." ouch Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Darth Groovy Posted August 22, 2002 Share Posted August 22, 2002 How do you make a kleenex dance? Put a little "boogie" in it!(Drum Crash) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
obi Posted August 22, 2002 Share Posted August 22, 2002 Theres this guy, a woman, and a kid standing on a side walk. the guy says "Gee, its cool out." The woman says "Gee, its cool out" and the kid says "Gee, put on some cloths" (My sister actually thought that was funny when she read it somewhere, but I didnt find it that funny) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Boba Rhett Posted August 22, 2002 Share Posted August 22, 2002 I went to the store the other day, I was only in there for about five minutes and when I came out there was a motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket. So I went up to him and said, "Come on buddy, how about giving a guy a break?" He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a "pencil necked **** *******." He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having bald tires! So I called him "a horse ****." He finished the second ticket and put it on the car with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket! This went on for about 20 minutes, the more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote. I didn't give a damn. I wasn't going to give up! Besides, my car was parked around the corner. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sivy Posted August 22, 2002 Author Share Posted August 22, 2002 Originally posted by Boba Rhett I went to the store the other day, I was only in there for about five minutes and when I came out there was a motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket. So I went up to him and said, "Come on buddy, how about giving a guy a break?" He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a "pencil necked **** *******." He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having bald tires! So I called him "a horse ****." He finished the second ticket and put it on the car with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket! This went on for about 20 minutes, the more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote. I didn't give a damn. I wasn't going to give up! Besides, my car was parked around the corner. lol, good one! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Orengimomo Posted August 22, 2002 Share Posted August 22, 2002 One day during a catholic sunday school the nun asked everychild what they want to be. The nun asked Little Johnny what he wanted to be and he said a doctor. The nun smiled at him. Next she asked Susie what she wanted to be. Susie said "a prostitute". The nun said "WHAT?!?!" So Susie repeated "a prostitute" The nun with a relieved look on her face said "oh, I thought you said a protestant" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
whitedragon Posted August 22, 2002 Share Posted August 22, 2002 Originally posted by Orengimomo One day during a catholic sunday school the nun asked everychild what they want to be. The nun asked Little Johnny what he wanted to be and he said a doctor. The nun smiled at him. Next she asked Susie what she wanted to be. Susie said "a prostitute". The nun said "WHAT?!?!" So Susie repeated "a prostitute" The nun with a relieved look on her face said "oh, I thought you said a protestant" now THAT is funney Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Darth Groovy Posted August 22, 2002 Share Posted August 22, 2002 What's the most popular pick up line for women in Nebraska? "Hey, Nice tooth!"(Drum Crash) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ibballin Posted August 22, 2002 Share Posted August 22, 2002 this is kinda of long but i think its funny. "THINGS YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR DURING SURGERY" Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy. Someone call the janitor--we're going to need a mop. Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that? Hand me that...uh...that uh....thingie. Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500 ml of this stuff before? Rats, there go the lights again... Ya know, there's big money in kidneys. Heck, the guy's got to of 'em. Everybody stand back!!! I lost my contact lens! Could you stop that thing from beating? It's throwing my concentration off. What's this doing here? That's cool! now can you make his leg twitch?! I wish I hadn't forgotten my glasses. Well, folks, this will be an experiment for all of us. Sterile, Schmeril. The floor's clean, right? Anyone see where I left that scalpel? OK, now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak of nature. Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donation card? Don't worry. I think it is sharp enough. She's gonna blow! Everyone take cover!!! Rats! Page 47 of the manual is missing! FIRE! FIRE!! Everyone get out! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
leXX Posted August 22, 2002 Share Posted August 22, 2002 I already posted this in another thread but I think it belongs in here! Jerry Springer Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! JERRY: Tonight on the Jerry Springer show we have a particularly interesting episode! Lexx is here to finally confess something to a long-time friend Tyrion. So everyone please put your hands together for Lexx! Jerry: Okay, now Lexx you're here to talk about someone aren't you? You: Yes. Jerry: And what is this other persons name? You: Whitedragon. The crowd SQUEALS with delight. Jerry: Okay, okay, well Whitedragon, is actually here tonight - The crowd SQUEALS. Jerry: But first we have a surprise for you Lexx, because as it happens there is someone else here to see YOU! So let's bring out... SivyB! You: What the HELL!!! Out of nowhere you pull out a Lightsaber. SivyB reaches for the computer chair. Out of the shadows Jubatus appears. Jubatus: Wait everybody wait! Jerry: Yes, everybody let's just calm down for a moment here. First tell us why you're here SivyB. SivyB: Because I saw Lexx and Jubatus making out at Jabba's Palace! The crowd goes absolutely INSANE. Jubatus: That's a lie! I was home watching Star Trek! Jerry: (raising his hands) Hold on, hold on, I'm missing the problem here...what exactly IS the problem SivyB? SivyB: Because I've recently been taking part in a sexual relationship with Tyrion who has recently become engaged to Jubatus. The crowd hollers, screams and whoops in an orchestra of orgasmic excitement. Jerry: Okay, okay. Well why don't we bring Tyrion out here because Lexx had something that they needed to tell them anyway about... Whitedragon that's right! Tyrion: (enters onto stage and saunters over towards you) What's the deal? I saw you outside getting it on with Whitedragon! You know I'm how I feel about Whitedragon!. Jubatus: (screams) What? Why the hell did you ask me to marry you if you're in love with Whitedragon! Tyrion: Because I knew that I could never have Whitedragon. But Lexx promised me that they'd never get together out of respect for my feelings! Jubatus: What about respect for MY feelings! SivyB walks suddenly across the stage, embracing Tyrion. SivyB: Don't worry baby, you don't need any of them now that you have me. Again the crowd SQUEALS. Jubatus: Oh my God! Are you SICK! Jubatus runs across the room and wraps their arms around you tightly. Jubatus: Lexx take me away from all of this! You: You see? That's the thing...I'm...well, I'm married... The crowd does its bit. Jubatus: Married? You nod. Jubatus: Who the hell are you married to? When...when did this happen? I don't understand! You: The other day. In Norwich. I'm married to Whitedragon. Tyrion: (screaming) WHAT!!! Jerry: (grinning widely, makes an enquiry) So...did you have a nice wedding night? Whitedragon: (stepping back out onto center stage) Well we had sex 7 times if that's what you mean. The crowd squeals. Jerry: Okay, okay. So let me get this all straight... Lexx is married to Whitedragon who Tyrion has secretly been in love with for years and years. Now Tyrion has recently become engaged to Jubatus who was recently spotted kissing Lexx in the Jabba's Palace. Now on top of this SivyB has just admitted to being in a sexual relationship with Tyrion. Whitedragon: That's right Jerry. Jerry: (looking sternly into the camera) It is times like these that one has to wonder, whether or not these people are aware that they are quite clinically insane. Perhaps we should be spending more on psychiatric health funds in this country, perhaps we should just ban Norwich to cut down on impulse marriages. Perhaps I should get a new job. Thanks for watching folks it's been great but for now...it's goodnight. Queue cheesy background music and fade to black. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Redwing Posted August 22, 2002 Share Posted August 22, 2002 ROTFLMAO!!!!! lexx, you are insane, and that is a compliment Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
leXX Posted August 22, 2002 Share Posted August 22, 2002 Originally posted by Redwing ROTFLMAO!!!!! lexx, you are insane, and that is a compliment Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Eagle_e7 Posted August 22, 2002 Share Posted August 22, 2002 Heres my contribution:p MI5 are hireing new agents and they have managed to get down to the final three candidates. The first comes in for his interview and is asked "Do you love your country?" "Yes I do" he replies "And which do you love more?" "My country" he replies "Good! your wife's sitting next door, walk in and shoot her!" The man refuses. The second candidate comes in and is asked the same question. He also refuses. The third man comes in and this time he picks up the gun and goes into the room. Three gun shots are heard followed by a load of banging and thumping. The interviewer runs into the room and finds the man's wife lying on the floor. "What happend!!???!" Shouts the interviewer "Well" says the man "Some fool put blanks in this gun so i clubbed her to death with a chair!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Darth Slayne Posted August 22, 2002 Share Posted August 22, 2002 Here's an old one to show my age Q: Did you hear what happened to the Irish Terrorist that tried blow up a bus load of English tourists? A: He burnt his lips on the exhaust pipe *Ducks rotten fruit and vegies* Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Surfnshannon Posted August 22, 2002 Share Posted August 22, 2002 this joke is kinda bad....so...beware How do you get a nun pregnant? Dress her up as an Alter boy. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kyth'emos Posted August 22, 2002 Share Posted August 22, 2002 Originally posted by STTCT this joke is kinda bad....so...beware How do you get a nun pregnant? Dress her up as an Alter boy. :tsk: :rofl::rofl: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Clem Posted August 22, 2002 Share Posted August 22, 2002 long jokes short attention span dont mix ... i liek this 1 2 nuns in a bath... nun 1: Wheres the soap? nun 2: yes it does doesnt it 2 Atoms walking along the road atom 1: i think ive lost an electron atom 2 : u sure? atom 1 : im Positive! (thats a limited appeal joke) 2 buckets of sick walking along the road bucket 1: i was brought up round here sandwhich walks into a bar .... barman says we dont serve food here horse walks into a bar ... barman says y the long face dyslexic man walks into a bra man walks into a bar .... ouch! ok theyre old but theyre amusing Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
leXX Posted August 22, 2002 Share Posted August 22, 2002 Learn Korean in 5 Minutes (Must Read Out Loud) 1) That's not right..............................Sum Ting Wong 2) Are you harboring a fugitive..................Hu Yu Hai Ding 3) See me ASAP...................................Kum Hia 4) Stupid Man....................................Dum Gai 5) Small Horse...................................Tai Ni Po Ni 6) Did you go to the beach.......................Wai Yu So Tan 7) I bumped the coffee table.....................Ai Bang Mai Ni 8) I think you need a face lift..................Chin Tu Fat 9) It's Very dark in here........................Wao So Dim 10) I Thought you were on a diet..................Wai Yu Mun Ching 11) This is a tow away zone.......................No Pah King 12) Our meeting is scheduled for next week........Wai Yu Kum Nao 13) Staying out of sight..........................Lei Ying Lo 14) He's cleaning his automobile .................Wa Shing Ka 15) Your body odor is offensive...................Yu Stin Ki Pu 16) Great.........................................Fa Kin Su Pah 17) Give it to me baby..................... . . . Suk Mai Dong 18) England will win the World Cup........ . . . . No Fu Kin Wai 19) Whos been eating all the pies?.............. . Yo Fat Wan Ka Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kit fisto JK Posted August 22, 2002 Share Posted August 22, 2002 Originally posted by lexx Learn Korean in 5 Minutes (Must Read Out Loud) 1) That's not right..............................Sum Ting Wong 2) Are you harboring a fugitive..................Hu Yu Hai Ding 3) See me ASAP...................................Kum Hia 4) Stupid Man....................................Dum Gai 5) Small Horse...................................Tai Ni Po Ni 6) Did you go to the beach.......................Wai Yu So Tan 7) I bumped the coffee table.....................Ai Bang Mai Ni 8) I think you need a face lift..................Chin Tu Fat 9) It's Very dark in here........................Wao So Dim 10) I Thought you were on a diet..................Wai Yu Mun Ching 11) This is a tow away zone.......................No Pah King 12) Our meeting is scheduled for next week........Wai Yu Kum Nao 13) Staying out of sight..........................Lei Ying Lo 14) He's cleaning his automobile .................Wa Shing Ka 15) Your body odor is offensive...................Yu Stin Ki Pu 16) Great.........................................Fa Kin Su Pah 17) Give it to me baby..................... . . . Suk Mai Dong 18) England will win the World Cup........ . . . . No Fu Kin Wai 19) Whos been eating all the pies?.............. . Yo Fat Wan Ka Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sivy Posted August 22, 2002 Author Share Posted August 22, 2002 Originally posted by lexx Learn Korean in 5 Minutes (Must Read Out Loud) I had a joke but i'm not following that, it's hilarious! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DS ChAoS Posted August 22, 2002 Share Posted August 22, 2002 Deep Questions of Life: When sign makers go on strike, is anything painted on their signs? Why do television stations report power outages? Where do forest rangers go to get away from it all? Why is a package sent by land carrier called a shipment, while a package sent by ship is called cargo? Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food? Why do we call it a TV set when you get only one? Why isn’t phonetics spelled the way it sounds? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
obi Posted August 22, 2002 Share Posted August 22, 2002 Originally posted by DS ChAoS Deep Questions of Life: When sign makers go on strike, is anything painted on their signs? Why do television stations report power outages? Where do forest rangers go to get away from it all? Why is a package sent by land carrier called a shipment, while a package sent by ship is called cargo? Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food? Why do we call it a TV set when you get only one? Why isn’t phonetics spelled the way it sounds? why do you drive in a parkways and park in a drive way?! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
whitedragon Posted August 22, 2002 Share Posted August 22, 2002 if the universe is forever and it keeps expanding what is it expanding into Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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