Jatt13 Posted August 22, 2002 Share Posted August 22, 2002 post anything funny here. we all need a good laugh!! A panda walks into a bar. He orders a hamburger. Once he finishes eating the burger, he pulls out a gun and murders the bartender. He starts to leave, when a man asks, "Why'd you do that?" The panda shows the man the definition of "panda" in the dictionary-- "Panda: eats shoots and leaves". Two Eskomos are paddling around in a kayak, and they are REALLY cold. One suggests they light a fire in their boat to keep them warm, but when they do, their kayak sinks and they die, which just goes to show that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too. Two peanuts were walking through a park at night. One was a salted. There's a dog that hobbles into an old Wild West saloon one day, with his front leg all bandaged up. He slowly makes his way to the bar, and with a great deal of effort manages to hop onto one of the bar stools. His gaze travels slowly over the men sitting at the bar, and he says, "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw." Tree A was bugging tree B, so tree B says, "leaf me alone!" i've got tuns ore where that came from!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Boba Rhett Posted August 22, 2002 Share Posted August 22, 2002 I went to the store the other day, I was only in there for about five minutes and when I came out there was a motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket. So I went up to him and said, "Come on buddy, how about giving a guy a break?" He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a "pencil necked Nazi *******." He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having bald tires! So I called him "a horse ****." He finished the second ticket and put it on the car with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket! This went on for about 20 minutes, the more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote. I didn't give a damn I wasn't going to give up! Besides, my car was parked around the corner. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sherack Nhar Posted August 22, 2002 Share Posted August 22, 2002 Corny joke from Pulp Fiction: Three tomatoes are walking on the street; daddy tomato, mommy tomato, and baby tomato. After a while baby tomato starts to lag behind. Angry, daddy tomato squashes him and says: - Ketchup! (catch up!) ^_^ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Zygomaticus Posted August 22, 2002 Share Posted August 22, 2002 A man walked into a room and ate a piece of cake. If i see one more pun in here, i will punish you all!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Darth Homer Posted August 22, 2002 Share Posted August 22, 2002 A man was walking down the street with a frog head sticking straight out of his forehead. A woman stopped him and asked, "How in the world did that happen?" The frog replied, "Well, it started as a bump on my ass." --------- A piece of sting walks into a bar. Bartender points at him and says, "Hey! We don't serve your kind here!!" The string walked out and sat on the corner for awhile. Suddenly he jumped up, lossened his ends and twisted himself up. The string then walked back into the bar. Bartender looked at him and asked, "Hey, are you a string?" The reply was, "Nope, frayed knot!" *various gurgling noises* *slumps to floor with krkode's knife in back* Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Zygomaticus Posted August 22, 2002 Share Posted August 22, 2002 I usually shoot my victims as a punishment. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Havoc Stryphe Posted August 22, 2002 Share Posted August 22, 2002 Two Men walk into a bar... you would think that the second guy would of ducked! Why do I get the feeling this thread will see alot of the Rolleyes smilie Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Surfnshannon Posted August 22, 2002 Share Posted August 22, 2002 here's my bad joke I heard today How do you get a nun pregnant?? dress her up as an alter boy! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tie Guy Posted August 22, 2002 Share Posted August 22, 2002 Sad but true, STTCT. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wraith 8 Posted August 22, 2002 Share Posted August 22, 2002 2 snails crawl along a road. one is about the cross the road, but the other yealls at him: "STOP!. in and haf an hour a buss will come" 2 morons are sitting in a car infront of a red light sais one to the other. "Its green" Sais the other "A frog?" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Darth Homer Posted August 22, 2002 Share Posted August 22, 2002 Here's a true story from my uncle: My uncle got a letter from the IRS saying that he owed them $0.00 in taxes. It was a fairly polite letter, so no hard feelings. He threw it away thinking that they'd surly catch such an obvious error. Not so, he got another letter asking him to pay $0.00. This letter was a little less polite. Again, thinking they would catch the problem eventually, he threw it away. Well, he got a third letter, again asking him to pay $0.00. This time the letter was fairly impolite. My uncle, trusting man that he is, again threw it away. You guessed it, a fourth letter came. This one was downright threatening. So, he figured he'd go along with it. He wrote them a check for $0.00 and mailed it off to them. It crashed the U.S. Treasury computer because it didn't know what to do with a check for $0.00. He recieved a final letter. This one was very appologetic, but held a stern warning to never do that again! So that's how my uncle, single-handedly took down the National Treasury computer. Please don't get any ideas from this, it was many years ago that this happened and I'm sure that such problems have been rectified since this. I am in no way liable or responsible for anyone else's actions based off this goofy story. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jatt13 Posted August 22, 2002 Author Share Posted August 22, 2002 more puns!! yay! energizer bunny arrested: charged with battery! Bakers' recipes are available only on a knead to know basis. q: why is the river rich? A; cuz it has two banks! This guy goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor, I've been shrinking! What do I do?" So the doctor says, "Guess you'll just have to be a little patient" q:why was did the farmer have a good harvest this year? a:b/c he was out standing in his fields! Frank decided to enter a contest for his local newspaper in which he had to write a phrase that contained a play on words. Frank spent that night brainstorming, coming up with a slew of puns and sending in ten of his best ideas. He looked in the newspaper the next week, knowing for sure that one of his works won. He ended up disappointed though. No pun in ten did. q: what do female math teachers wear? a: alge-bras! A man goes to his doctor and says "Last night I dreamed I was a wig wam and the night before I dream I was a tepee". The doctor looks at him and says "Relax, you're too tense (Two tents)" A proctolgist is in a bank. He takes out his pen to write a check but his pen doesn't work. Upon closer inspection he realizes it's a rectal thermometer. He thinks for a minute and says, "Oh great, some *** hole has my pen!!!" HAAAAAHAHAAAA!! oh, i just kill me...that's all i got for now! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Darth Homer Posted August 22, 2002 Share Posted August 22, 2002 *grooooooan* @ Jatt:roleyess: Why did the farmer win the noble prize? Because he was out standing in his own field. (alternate version of one of yours, Jatt) A University of South Carolina graduate was using a restroom at a rest stop along the highway. A Clemson graduate walked in behind him. The Clemson grad finished first and headed for the sinks. The USC grad finished and as he was leaving heard the Clemson grad say, "At Clemson, they taught us to wash our hands when we finished." Unphased, the USC grad replied, "At USC, they taught us not to pee on our hands." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Boba Rhett Posted August 22, 2002 Share Posted August 22, 2002 *falls off chair* Tha farmer joke owns. I've heard the college one before. CLASSIC. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jatt13 Posted August 22, 2002 Author Share Posted August 22, 2002 nice 1, homer! you've probably heard this 1 b4, it's a little old, but oh well: Uncle Sam, Osama bin laden, and a canadian are walking down a beach and come across a magic lamp. they rub it and a genie comes out and says that b/c there are 3 of them, they each get 1 wish. the canadian wishes for a successful farm, with amber waves of grain, yadda yadda, the whole 9 yrds. the genie says "it is done" and magically teleports him there. bin laden asks for a hug wall around afgahnistan that no one can get through, and it goes under the country so they can't drill in and above so they can't fly in. the genie says "it's done" and transports him there. uncle sam thinks for a moment, then says "fill it w/ water" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Darth Homer Posted August 22, 2002 Share Posted August 22, 2002 I've heard similar... 3 friends got stranded on a desert island. While exploring the beach, they found a magic lamp. A genie immedietly popped out and, since they each had touched the lamp at almost the same time, the genie divided the 3 wishes among the friends. They each thought for a moment about what they would wish for. The first one approached the genie and said, "I wish I was back home and a beautiful supermodel was my wife!" The genie wisked him away to his waiting wife. The second approached the genie and said, "I wish I was back home and extremely wealthy!" He too, was wisked away to his waiting fortune. The third one was taking a long time to decide. The genie, growing impatient asked him if he was ready. "I don't know," he replied, "I wish my friends were here to help me..." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DashRendar Posted August 22, 2002 Share Posted August 22, 2002 Hmmmm.....old one but let's see if I get it right. OK I think this is a little off but o well... Three men are about to be whipped. The guy doing the whipping says that his wife likes him so he'll do something for each one before he whips them. The first guy asks for a pillow to be tied to his back. Well the whip breaks through after 2 strikes and the other 8 get him right in the back. The next guy says he wants three pillow strapped to his back. Well this time it take 5 strikes but the other 5 still get through and get the guy right in the back. The other guy thinks for a minute and then says "I want you to strap the other guy to my back!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Darth Homer Posted August 23, 2002 Share Posted August 23, 2002 here's a big joke: Viper Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Artoo Posted August 23, 2002 Share Posted August 23, 2002 ehehehe, my favorite duck joke, as follows. A duck walked into the grocery store and picked up a gallon of milk, a carton of eggs, and a package of cheese. When he was checking out and the cashier asked him for money he said, "Just put it on my bill." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Darth Homer Posted August 23, 2002 Share Posted August 23, 2002 "God does have a sense of humor. I mean, just look at the platypus." --unknown (well, I couldn't remember at least) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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