Redwing Posted January 20, 2003 Share Posted January 20, 2003 Copy/Pasted from http://www.livejournal.com/talkread.bml?journal=lemonlye&itemid=19097 . Warning: UBER spoilers, and lots of slash-type jokes (ie gay jokes) ala the Very Secret Diaries that some of you may remember for LotR Found this too funny NOT to post it. [align=center]**********[/align] THE TWO TOWERS (condensed) By Molly Winter Author's note: I LOVED this movie. Deeply, truly. Please keep that on record. But I have to write parody for everything, so here goes... CARADHRAS GANDALF: Isn't it odd how we fell for about three miles, and yet we ended up on TOP of a mountain? BALROG: Who cares. It's freaking cold up here. I give up. GANDALF: Cool. I think I'll go buy myself something white. White is supposed to be the new black this year... EMYN MUIL SAM and FRODO are sitting together on a rock. SAM stretches, and drops his arm around FRODO's shoulders. SAM: So, sir. Finally it's just you and me. FRODO: "Finally"? What do you mean? SAM: Oh, uh...nothing... FRODO: Well, you're wrong. We've got company. GOLLUM flies out of the rocks and pounces on FRODO. SAM: Hey! Wait your turn! SAM and FRODO tie up GOLLUM. GOLLUM: No! Smeagol not into ropes, nassty kinky hobbitses. FRODO: We just want you to take us to Mordor, you sicko. GOLLUM: Mordor? Hobbitses having little Goth phase, maybe? Very angsssty, wanting to go to Mordor, yes yes. Can Smeagol offer black eyeliner to angsssty hobbitses? SAM: You stop talking to Mr.--hmm. (to FRODO) You know, you wouldn't look half bad in eyeliner. RIDDERMARK EOMER: Hi! Okay, stop me if you've heard this one. An elf, a man, and a dwarf walk into the Riddermark... LEGOLAS: Ooh! And the elf shoots arrows through this git who rides up on a horse. Yeah, I HAVE heard it! That's one of my favorites. ARAGORN: Down, Legolas. Hey, have you folks seen a couple little guys, about this high..? EOMER: Nope. Oh! Unless they were in that pile of corpses we burned. ARAGORN: Thank you; that's...useful... EOMER: Yeah; my bad. Here, have some horses. FANGORN FOREST MERRY: Yay! We escaped the Uruk-hai! PIPPIN: Uh, Merry? That tree is checking you out. TREEBEARD: Hoom! Furry lawn ornaments! TREEBEARD picks up MERRY and PIPPIN and carts them off. FANGORN FOREST (next day) GANDALF: Hey, kids. Miss me? ARAGORN: Gandalf! You're alive! LEGOLAS: I almost had a facial expression from the joy of it! EDORAS LEMONLYE: A lot of political maneuvering takes place here. Let's see if I can summarize in ten lines or less. THEODEN: I have ash all over my face and cannot speak for myself. GRIMA: That's the way I like it. GANDALF: Be blinded by my new robes! Recover your smooth complexion and your senses! THEODEN: Hurrah! I am me again! But, damn, my son's dead. GRIMA: Hmm. I better run. ARAGORN: Good work, sire. Now collect your people and skedaddle to Helm's Deep. EOWYN: Hal-lo, handsome! ARAGORN: Hi. You handle pointy things very well. EOWYN: Yes. My only fear is dying a virgin. Hint, hint. ARAGORN: Okay! Well, let's move along. EN ROUTE TO HELM'S DEEP LEGOLAS: Wargs! LEGOLAS and other warriors start slinging arrows and jumping onto horses. GIMLI: What was that God-awful noise? LEGOLAS: I'm guessing...wargs dying. ARAGORN: Actually, it was Legolas's fangirl contingent, shrieking in delight at his horseback-riding tricks. GIMLI: Ugh, that's sickening. Ooh, Aragorn, watch out! Cliff! ARAGORN falls off cliff. LEGOLAS: No! This is unbearable! I almost had ANOTHER facial expression! ITHILIEN SAM: Gollum is such a freak. FRODO: Yeah, well, you're a jerk. SAM: What? He IS a freak. FRODO: Whatever, Sam. Want some cheese with your whine? SAM: Why are you picking on me? FRODO: I'm so sick of listening to you. It's always nag, nag, nag. I didn't ASK you to come along, you know. SAM: What the HELL? FRODO: Shut up. Screw you. Go away. SAM: What happened to the magic, Mr. Frodo? We used to stay up till dawn, laughing, talking, sharing... FRODO: Oh, spare me. FRODO stomps off. RIVENDELL ARAGORN finds himself in RIVENDELL with ARWEN lying on top of him. ARAGORN: Hmm. This must be a dream. ARWEN: Why do you say that? ARAGORN: Because you're not even supposed to be IN this book. ARWEN: Don't be mean. I'll tell Daddy. ARAGORN: Whatever. Wake me up, would you? Since it's not really you licking my face, I have the awful suspicion it's a horse. Or maybe Gimli. HELM'S DEEP ARAGORN arrives and collides with LEGOLAS. LEGOLAS: Oh, good HEAVENS. You look TERRIBLE. You are NOT wearing THAT to the battle tonight, are you? And your HAIR! What will we DO with you? ARAGORN: Nice to see you, too. RIVENDELL GALADRIEL: Hello? Is this Elrond? ELROND: Yes, speaking. GALADRIEL: Hi Elrond; it's Galadriel. ELROND: Hey, girl. Where are you? GALADRIEL: In Lothlorien; where else would I be? Listen, I really wanted to talk to you about Frodo. ELROND: Yeah, I've been wondering about him lately. GALADRIEL: He and Aragorn have SO much stuff to do. ELROND: I know! And Aragorn's being such a wiener, I'm not even sure I want him to marry my daughter... GALADRIEL: Did you see his hair the other week? Hello, greaseball. ELROND: And does he, like, only have that one shirt? Humans are so gross. Hang on; I'm getting another telepathy call. GANDALF: Hello? Hello? Elrond? GALADRIEL: Gandalf? Is that you? ELROND: Gandalf! Hey buddy! GANDALF: Do you have me on three-way telepathy calling? I hate that. ELROND: Yeah, sorry. I was talking to Galadriel. Hey, didn't you die or something? GANDALF: No, you twit. Now quit gossiping and listen. There's a war about to start at Helm's Deep. GALADRIEL: Yeah, and? GANDALF: And they need your help, moron. GALADRIEL: (exaggerated sigh) Fine, whatever. I'll send Haldir or something. He's expendable. HELM'S DEEP LEGOLAS: This is going to be most unpleasant. Hundreds of people will die. ARAGORN: Thank you, Captain Obvious. LEGOLAS: You're just jealous because I'm pretty. ARAGORN: You're just jealous because I'm going to be king. LEGOLAS: You can bite my ass. ARAGORN: Hey, blow me. (Ten minutes later) LEGOLAS: I didn't mean that. ARAGORN: It's okay. Me neither. LEGOLAS: Kiss and make up? ARAGORN: How about I squeeze your shoulder in a very special way? FANGORN FOREST PIPPIN: So we're STILL riding on this tree bloke's shoulders... MERRY: Uh-huh. I have splinters in places you don't even want to imagine. ITHILIEN SAM seasons their rabbit stew as GOLLUM watches. GOLLUM: Ssstupid fat hobbit! Using sage in stew like thisss! SAM: What's your problem? Sage brings out the flavor. GOLLUM: Smeagol would use nice mix of rosemary and lavender, yess, precious. FRODO: Hey, you guys? Something's out there in the forest. SAM: Rosemary? Hm, maybe. But you know what WOULD be good with this, is a basic bechamel sauce with some dill. GOLLUM: Sssimple hobbit; anyone makesss bechamel. Vichyssoise much tastier and more difficult; yes... FRODO: Hello? Guys? Seriously, someone's coming. SAM: Now, if you only found us some eggs, I could make crepes, wrap up the meat, drizzle the juices over it with a little bit of blackcurrant chutney... FRODO: Hey, you guys, look! It's Martha Stewart! GOLLUM: Where? SAM: Where? FRODO: Now that I have your attention, may I point out the Oliphaunt that's about to step on us? FARAMIR: Look! Strange little men! Let's take them home. FARAMIR blindfolds SAM and FRODO and hauls them away. HELM'S DEEP ROHIRRIM GUARD: Sire, there are some really femmy people at the gate. They have bows. ARAGORN: Those are Elves. Let them in. ROHIRRIM GUARD: Oh! Elves! Wow, I didn't expect that. PEOPLE WHO READ THE BOOK: Neither did I... GIMLI: Arr! I'm funny because I'm short. LEGOLAS: I'm funny because I make fun of how short you are! HENNETH ANNUN FARAMIR: So, who are you, exactly? FRODO: I'm Frodo. This is Sam. FARAMIR: Your...image consultant? SAM: His gardener. FARAMIR: Ohh, like in a 'Lady Chatterley's Lover' kind of way? SAM: Exactly. FRODO: Righ—What?? HELM'S DEEP ARAGORN: This siege is lasting forever. These poor people... LEGOLAS: We will fight to the death. We will not fail you. ARAGORN: Oh, not you guys--I meant the audience. GIMLI: Aragorn! Toss me! ARAGORN: Um, is this really the time? GIMLI: Yes! Toss me! ARAGORN: Look, I don't think about you that way... GIMLI: No, you freak, throw me onto the Orcs! FANGORN FOREST TREEBEARD: We have opted, hoom, not to do a damn thing. PIPPIN: I didn't expect that. PEOPLE WHO HAVE READ THE BOOK: Neither did I... MERRY: Don't you even CARE? This is your planet too! PIPPIN: You're very handsome when you yell at trees, Merry. MERRY: Am I? Thanks. TREEBEARD: Hoom, don't care. Taking you home. PIPPIN: (to MERRY) Wait! I know. I'll bat my eyelashes at him. MERRY: Good plan. I know *I* sure can't resist you when you do that. (winks at PIPPIN) PIPPIN: (to TREEBEARD) Mr. Tree, sir, could you take us south, pleeeease? TREEBEARD: Ooom....Damn it, hoom...how can I say no to those eyes. OSGILIATH FRODO puts on some black eyeliner, climbs to the top of a ruined building, and holds up the Ring. SAM pounces him and brings him tumbling down the stairs. FRODO: Ow! Hey! That's it—this time I'm cutting your throat. SAM: But Mr. Frodo...I was saving the world...you were going to give the Ring to that Nazgul... FRODO: No, I wasn't. I was doing a lightning experiment. SAM: Well, that's pretty stupid too, now isn't it. FRODO: Hmm. I suppose so. Sorry, dude. FRODO puts down the sword. SAM gets up and starts a speech. SAM: There are good things in the world. And that's what we're protecting. And up there, it's their time, but down here, it's OUR time... ISENGARD TREEBEARD finds a field of stumps near SARUMAN's place. TREEBEARD: What the bloody... ENTS! ATTACK! MERRY: Once again, Pippin's wily eyelashes save the world. PIPPIN: Aww, you're just saying that. SAM (V.O.): ...And I have a dream that my eighteen children will one day live in a Shire where they will not be judged by the color of their teeth but by the content of their character... HELM'S DEEP GANDALF and EOMER and a few thousand ROHIRRIM come charging down and wipe out the rest of the ORC army. EOWYN and ARAGORN and LEGOLAS and GIMLI and THEODEN all cheer. ARAGORN: Gandalf, finally! GANDALF: Yes, my boy, I have come back. ARAGORN: Took you freaking long enough. SAM (V.O.): The world will little note nor long remember what we say here, but it can never forget what they did here. It is for us the living rather to be dedicated here to the unfinished work which they who fought here have thus far so nobly advanced... FRODO (V.O.): Um...Sam... ARAGORN: You know what would have been really cool, though... EOWYN: What? ARAGORN: An army of flesh-eating trees to destroy the Orcs who are running away. AUDIENCE: Yeah, that would have been cool. ISENGARD TREEBEARD: Hey. We're busy flooding Isengard here. We can't be two places at once. OSGILIATH SAM: ...let me assert my firm belief that the only thing we have to fear is fear itself - nameless, unreasoning, unjustified terror which paralyzes needed efforts to- FRODO: SAM!! SAM: What? FRODO: They're letting us go. Come on. SAM: Oh. Oh, good. EN ROUTE TO MORDOR SAM: They're going to tell stories about you. Frodo the Incredibly Cute. FRODO: Ordinarily I would tell you to stop hitting on me, but you've saved my life so many times now, I guess I'll settle for being uncomfortably flattered. SAM: Cool. Oh, and by the way? FRODO: Yes? SAM: The tortured look really does work for you. Very hot. FRODO: Aww, thanks. You deserve a special shoulder-squeeze for that. SAM: Did you learn that move from Aragorn? FRODO: Yeah. You like it?... GOLLUM: (mumble, mumble)...Kill...(mumble)...death to hobbits...(mumble mumble)...feed them to HER...(mumble, mumble)...pain, suffering...(mumble)...make them cry...(mumble)...kill hobbitses...(mumble) ...she will destroy hobbitses... PEOPLE WHO HAVEN'T READ THE BOOK: (loudly) "SHE"? Did he say "she", and "her"? Who's "SHE"? PEOPLE WHO HAVE READ THE BOOK: SHUT UP! [align=center]**********[/align] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kstar__2 Posted January 20, 2003 Share Posted January 20, 2003 neithert did i..... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lynk Former Posted January 20, 2003 Share Posted January 20, 2003 "LEGOLAS: You're just jealous because I'm pretty." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SuicidalXWing Posted January 20, 2003 Share Posted January 20, 2003 *5 minute of uninterrupted laughter* That deserves an award, seriously. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Skate Boy Posted January 20, 2003 Share Posted January 20, 2003 Funnier the first time I saw it, but it's still funny now. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rogue15 Posted January 20, 2003 Share Posted January 20, 2003 heh pretty good summary of the movie. they left out the part where gandalf comes in and blinds all those urakhai tho. =] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Redwing Posted January 21, 2003 Author Share Posted January 21, 2003 Originally posted by Skate Boy Funnier the first time I saw it, but it's still funny now. Yeah, I saw Rhett beat me to posting it in the Swamp Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Al-back from the BigWhoop Posted January 21, 2003 Share Posted January 21, 2003 honestly, i ROFLOLMAO!!!!! "thank you, Captain Obvious" LOL! "PEOPLE WHO HAVE READ THE BOOK: Neither did I..." LOL! "GIMLI: Arr! I'm funny because I'm short. LEGOLAS: I'm funny because I make fun of how short you are!" LOL! I loved the books and the movies, but some parodies are great! heres another one: http://www.ealasaid.com/misc/vsd/ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Truthful Liar Posted January 21, 2003 Share Posted January 21, 2003 LOL, good stuff indeed. :-) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jedi Skywalker Posted January 21, 2003 Share Posted January 21, 2003 I liked it Redwing, especially this part: "ROHIRRIM GUARD: Oh! Elves! Wow, I didn't expect that. PEOPLE WHO READ THE BOOK: Neither did I..." I din't expected it! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Death Posted January 24, 2003 Share Posted January 24, 2003 LOL!!!! You know Red, reading it isn't as funny as you acting it out! I still love the Secret Diaries best though. Aragorn: "Still not king" Frodo: "Everyone hitting on me. Cannot cope!" Anyone have a link to them? I lost it a while back. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wacky_Baccy Posted January 24, 2003 Share Posted January 24, 2003 Posted by Death LOL!!!! You know Red, reading it isn't as funny as you acting it out! He ACTED IT OUT??!! Damn... Oh how I wish I'd been there to see that... I still love the Secret Diaries best though. Aragorn: "Still not king" Frodo: "Everyone hitting on me. Cannot cope!" Anyone have a link to them? I lost it a while back. Not the original site, but it's got all the diaries - http://www.bellaonline.com/articles/art800.asp ^__^ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Al-back from the BigWhoop Posted January 24, 2003 Share Posted January 24, 2003 http://www.ealasaid.com/misc/vsd/ "Sam will kill him if he tries anything" LOL, even Sauron says that in his diary :D "Have followed Mr. Frodo to Rivendell where Elves will heal him. Gandalf told me to help poor unconscious Mr. Frodo get out of dirty clothes. So took clothes off him and gave him a bath. And another one. Then gave him another bath. Gandalf came and told me six baths was quite enough" ROFL Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SuicidalXWing Posted January 24, 2003 Share Posted January 24, 2003 Elrond's whole purple dress thing is funny as hell, from every diary point of view. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
edlib Posted January 27, 2003 Share Posted January 27, 2003 Dave Barry's column this week was about TTT. Not as funny as this one, but some of you might get a kick out of it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rogue15 Posted January 27, 2003 Share Posted January 27, 2003 does any of them mention about gandalf flashing the king? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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