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Something missing...


ShockV1.89

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Something is missing in my life. I can't put my finger on it. I mean, I have a decent job, school is going well, my girlfriend is great... but still, something doesnt feel right.

 

It's like there's this emptiness... as though I finish the day having done everything I feel like I should, but it still feels like I havent done something yet... as though there's some uncompleted task that is begging my attention.

 

I'm searching for something. I dont know what it is, or where I will find it. Tonight, I spent three hours just driving around, going to various places. I went to all three of my old schools, my best friends crash site (where he died almost three years ago), and a few others. Places that meant something to me.

 

Heck, the other day, I almost drove down to the army recruitment center and signed up for enlistment after this semester of college, just so I can go out and find what I'm missing. I chose not to, of course...

 

Why do I feel this way? I'm not particularly sad about anything. Perhaps wistful of the past, maybe. There's so much I wish I ahd done. So much I wish I hadn't.... I miss my friend so badly. So much we could have done together. So much we missed, and I didnt treat him as well as I could have... and through it all, he alwasy forgave me.

 

I guess I didn't know a true friend until he was gone....

 

I dont know... I just posted this because I felt I needed to vent. Felt better than sitting in my room, aimlessly thinking... or driving in the middle of the night in no particular direction.

 

Something has to change.

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You just have to reflect and meditate. Either just walk around town, or sit in a peaceful area. Then just reflect about your life, about all the different things in your life. Just think to yourself for 30 minutes every few days or so. Eventually you'll find what you're looking for, or at least understand yourself better.

 

Believe me, it helps. I do it 15 minutes almost every day. And I've been happier than I have been before.

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Well, as you mentioned it in your post, I think you've already identified where part of this feeling of 'emptiness' originates.

 

You miss your friend, perhaps more than you thought you would. As you said, there are things you could have done together, but now that opportunity is lost.

 

It can take a great deal of time to get over the loss of someone close to you - and if you are really close to someone who dies, you can feel as if part of yourself has been ripped away.

 

Other than that...we all seek our own path through life...and must assess our own needs and motivations. There will always be a sense of 'something I should have done', until you've done it and fulfilled your personal needs. That's just part of life.

 

Take time out to reflect on who you are and what you want out of life. Don't regret not being able to share experiences with past friends - while you carry their memory with you, in a way they're always with you, no matter what you do.

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Junior year. School is going allright. Lotta work, and I should be cramming for a midterm now.

 

I went to my friends grave, and that sorta made me feel better. I think you were probably right, Stormhammer. Just a bad moment where I missed him more than I thought I did. They happen every now and then, but I never seem to make the connection.

 

Thank you for the support and advice, everyone. :)

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