ET Warrior Posted January 16, 2004 Share Posted January 16, 2004 Alright guys, this is a long read, but i swear it is WELL worth it. There is some profanity, only a couple instances, just to warn y'all though. If any of you don't laugh, I honestly will lose faith in humanity Dear Diary... For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am still in great shape since playing on my college football team 25 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try. Called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26-year old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear. My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged my to keep a diary to chart my progress............. > > >Monday: Started my day at 6:00 am. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me. She is something of a Greek goddess - with blond hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo! Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines. She took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her in her Lycra aerobic outfit. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring. Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!! > > >Tuesday: I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air-then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me. > > >Wednesday: The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying on the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other **** too. > > >Thursday: Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late, it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the men's room. She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing machine - which I sank. > > >Friday: I hate that bitch Belinda more that any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic little cheerleader. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the *&%#(#&**!!@*@ barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. (Which I am sure you learned in the sadist school you attended and graduated magna cum laude from.) The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director? > > >Saturday: Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel. > > >Sunday: I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my wife (the bitch) will choose a gift for me that is fun - like a root canal or a vasectomy. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pie™ Posted January 16, 2004 Share Posted January 16, 2004 poor, poor, guy... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jebbers Posted January 16, 2004 Share Posted January 16, 2004 muahahahahaha thats funny....thats gotta suck to be watching 11 straight hours of weather channel.....i cant even watch the weather for 11 seconds...... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sivy Posted January 16, 2004 Share Posted January 16, 2004 lol, very funny. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sam Fisher Posted January 17, 2004 Share Posted January 17, 2004 BTW... Naw. I just had to post it, and I've see this before:) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wassup Posted January 17, 2004 Share Posted January 17, 2004 Originally posted by ET Warrior Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot. Got a laugh out of me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Darth Rythe Posted January 17, 2004 Share Posted January 17, 2004 Poor guy, but funny good job ET Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alegis Posted January 17, 2004 Share Posted January 17, 2004 Nice find ETW Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile (...) Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BongoBob Posted January 18, 2004 Share Posted January 18, 2004 heh, I think I've seen this before, but I can't help but laugh at it Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Datheus Posted January 18, 2004 Share Posted January 18, 2004 Eh.. I didn't laugh. Not that funny. I like the diary of a Computer Science major better. THAT is funny. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ET Warrior Posted January 18, 2004 Author Share Posted January 18, 2004 Originally posted by Datheus Eh.. I didn't laugh. Not that funny. I like the diary of a Computer Science major better. THAT is funny. *loses all faith in humanity* Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MennoniteHobbit Posted January 18, 2004 Share Posted January 18, 2004 Hmm. not that right type of humor for me... oh well. was that guy on pot, or somethin'? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DarkLord60 Posted January 19, 2004 Share Posted January 19, 2004 That poor poor man. LOL Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ET Warrior Posted January 20, 2004 Author Share Posted January 20, 2004 Originally posted by MennoniteHobbit oh well. was that guy on pot, or somethin'? Was....pot.......WHAT? Where on earth would you get the idea he was on pot? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TheHobGoblin Posted January 23, 2004 Share Posted January 23, 2004 Omg that was funny at the end. Guy who went to the gym, a man with nothing to lose. Guy: I just got home, something didn't seem right. Guy: A "G" was painted on the wall, a map of things to come. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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