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--ZeeMan--

By --ZeeMan--
in Yoda’s Swamp

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jokemaster Newbie

jokemaster

Posted
Posted
Originally posted by --ZeeMan--

Uh oh...

- Lemme guess, we're about to go over a big waterfall

Yup

- Sharp rocks at the bottom?

Probably

- *sigh* Bring it on!

 

Emperor's New Groove

Forgot about that

 

Milo: This isn't a game! In the real world, when you kill people they die - for real! And in the real world you're ****ed!

 

Alejandro: I've never lost a fight.

Don Diego de la Vega: Except to a crippled old man just now.

 

[in a confessional, Alejandro posing as a priest]

Elena: Forgive me father for I have sinned. It has been three days since my last confession.

Alejandro Murrieta: Three days? How many sins could you have committed in three days? Come back when you have more time, please.

 

[in a confessional, Alejandro posing as a priest]

Elena: I have broken the fourth commandment, padre.

Alejandro Murrieta: You killed somebody?

Elena: No, that is not the fourth commandment.

Alejandro Murrieta: [pause] Of course not.

Elena: I dishonored my father.

Alejandro Murrieta: That is not so bad. Maybe your father deserved it.

 

Don Diego de la Vega: Do you know how to use that thing?

Alejandro Murrieta: Yes. The pointy end goes into the other man.

 

Captain Harrison Love: After all, it's only one man...

Don Rafael: It isn't just one man, damn it. It's ZORRO.

 

Don Diego de la Vega: Convince Montero that you're a gentleman of stature, and he will let you into his circle.

Alejandro Murrieta: Me? A gentleman?

[pause]

Alejandro Murrieta: This is going to take a lot of work.

 

[whispering to his baby son]

Alejandro Murrieta: And so it was. Lighting split the sky, thunder shook the earth, and then all was quiet. The great warrior known as Zorro was gone. The people of the land gave him a hero's funeral, the largest anyone had ever seen. They came from far and wide to say farewell to their brave and noble champion. But don't worry, little Joaquin. Whenever great deeds are remembered, your grandfather will live on. For there must always, always be a Zorro. And some day, when he's needed, we will see him again... on his fearsome steed Tornado, riding like the wind, his sword blazing in the sun... leaping, jumping, swinging through the air... fighting like a lion. Fighting like a tiger. Fighting...

[sees Elena watching him]

Alejandro Murrieta: ...as safely as possible.

Elena: Is this your idea of putting the baby to sleep?

 

Johnny Smith: The ice is going to break!

 

Johnny Smith: "Bless me"? Do you know what God did for me? He threw an 18-wheeled truck at me and bounced me into nowhere for five years! When I woke up, my girl was gone, my job was gone, my legs are just about useless... Blessed me? God's been a real sport to me!

 

Greg Stillson: Put your hand on the scanning screen, and you'll go down in history with me!

Five Star General: As what? The world's greatest mass murderers?

Greg Stillson: You cowardly bastard! You're not the voice of the people, I am the voice of the people! The people speak through me, not you!

 

[Wanting Roger Stuart to be a part of his campaign]

Greg Stillson: I need your support, I need your expertise, I need your input, and most importantly, I need your money.

[Laughter]

 

WHOEVER DOESN'T GUESS WHERE THESE LINES ARE FROM IS DEAD! D-E-A-D DEAD!

 

Verbal: What the cops never figured out, and what I know now, was that these men would never break, never lie down, never bend over for anybody. Anybody.

 

Dave Kujan: Do you know a dealer named Ruby Deamer, Verbal?

Verbal: Do you know a religious guy named John Paul?

Dave Kujan: Did you know Ruby's in Attica?

Verbal: He didn't have my lawyer.

 

Keaton: I'm a businessman now.

Cop: Yeah? What's that, the restaurant business? No. From now on, you're in the gettin'-****ed-by-us business.

 

Verbal: Oh gee, thanks Dave, bang-up job so far. Extortion, coercion; you'll pardon me if I ask you to kiss my pucker.

 

Verbal: Back when I was picking beans in Guatemala, we used to make fresh coffee, right off the trees I mean. That was good. This is **** but, hey, I'm in a police station.

 

Verbal: You think you can catch Keyser Soze? You think a guy like that comes this close to getting caught, and sticks his head out? If he comes up for anything it'll be to get rid of me. After that... my guess is you'll never hear from him again.

 

[Keaton is introducing quiet Verbal to the other suspects in the cell]

Keaton: His name is Verbal. Verbal Kint.

McManus: Verbal?

Keaton: Yeah.

Verbal: Roger, really. People say I talk too much.

Hockney: Yeah, I was just about to tell you to shut up.

 

[After being strip-searched]

Fenster: Man, I had a finger up my asshole tonight.

Hockney: Is it Friday already?

 

[suspects in a lineup are asked to read a phrase]

Cop: Number 1, step forward.

Hockney: Hand me the keys, you ****ing cocksucker.

Cop: Number 2, step forward.

McManus: Give me the ****ing keys, you ****ing cocksucking mother****er, aaarrrghh.

Cop: Knock it off. Get back. Number 3, step forward.

Fenster: [laughing] Hand me the keys, you cocksucker.

Cop: In English, please?

Fenster: Excuse me?

Cop: In English.

Fenster: Hand me the ****ing keys, you cocksucker, what the ****?

 

Fenster: Ohh, is that the one about the hooker with, um, dysentery?

 

Cop: I can put you in Queens on the night of the hijacking.

Hockney: Really? I live in Queens, did you put that together yourself, Einstein? Got a team of monkeys working around the clock on this?

 

Fenster: He'll flip ya. He'll flip ya for real.

 

Verbal: Keaton once said, "I don't believe in God, but I'm afraid of him." Well I believe in God, and the only thing that scares me is Keyser Soze.

 

Verbal: To a cop the explanation's always simple. There's no mystery to the street, no arch criminal behind it all. If you find a body and you think his brother did it, you're gonna find out you're right.

 

Verbal: Big fat guy, I mean like orca fat.

 

Verbal: The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world he didn't exist.

 

McManus: [sitting on a roof aiming a gun] Old McDonald had a farm, ee-aye, ee-aye, oh. And on this farm he shot some guys. Ba-da-bip, ba-da-bing, bang-boom.

 

[Counting victims as he snipes at them]

McManus: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7... Oswald was a fag.

 

Verbal: It didn't make sense that I'd be there. I mean, these guys were hard-core hijackers, but there I was. I wasn't scared, I knew I hadn't done anything they could do me for. Besides, it was fun. I got to make like I was notorious.

 

Cop: Do you guys know who the **** I am . Do you know who the **** I am .

[Hockney rips cop's badge off]

Hockney: We do now, jerk-off.

 

Fenster: You do some time, they never let you go. You know. They treat you like a criminal. *I'm* not a criminal.

Hockney: You *are* a criminal.

Fenster: Now why'd you got to go and do that? (I'm) trying to make a point.

 

[after being punched in the stomach by Keaton]

Verbal: I'll probably piss blood tonight.

 

Verbal: Can I have some coffee?

Dave Kujan: Maybe later.

Verbal: I'm really thirsty. When I was a kid I used to dehydrate, and my piss came out like snot. I mean, it was all thick and gross.

 

Verbal: The DA gave me immunity.

Dave Kujan: Not from me. You get no immunity from me, you piece of ****. Every criminal I have put in prison, every cop that owes me a favor, every creep and scumbag that walks the streets for a living will know the name of Verbal Kint. Now you talk to me, or that precious immunity they seem so fit to grant you won't be worth the paper the contract put out on your life is printed on.

 

Kobayashi: Get your rest, Gentlemen. The boat will be ready for you on Friday. If I see you or any of your friends before then, Miss. Finneran will find herself the victim of a most gruesome violation before she dies. As will your father, Mr. Hockney. and your Uncle Randall in Arizona, Mr. Kint. I might only castrate Mr. McManus' nephew, David. Do I make myself clear?

 

THE WARNED MOVIE IS OVER, NOW OTHER QUOTES WHICH YOU ARE NOT REQUIRED TO KNOW WHERE THEY'RE FROM

 

Johns: How's it look?

Riddick: Looks clear.

[They step forward, and a creature jumps at them. They fight and kill it.]

Johns: You said it was clear!

Riddick: I said it *looked* clear.

Johns: Well, how does it look now?

Riddick: Looks clear.

 

Paris: Paris P. Olgilvie. Antiquities dealer, entrepreneur.

Riddick: Richard B. Riddick. Escaped convict. Murderer.

 

Johns: Battlefield doctors decide who lives and dies. It's called 'triage'.

Riddick: They kept calling it 'murder' when I did it.

 

Johns: Full clip, safety's off. One shot if you spot him.

Paris: Yes, but what if Mr. Riddick spots us first?

Johns: Then there'll be no shots.

 

Riddick: I know you don't prep your emergency ship unless there's a ****in' emergency.

Jack: He's ****in' right.

Johns: Hey, watch your mouth.

 

Paris: This is just a suggestion, but perhaps you should flee!

 

[After Johns is killed]

Jack: We're gonna lose everybody out here. We should've stayed at the ship.

Richard B. Riddick: He died fast, and if we have any choice about it, that's the way we all should go out. Don't you cry for Johns. Don't you dare.

 

Al Capone: I want this guy dead! I want his family dead! I want his house burned to the ground! I want to go there in the middle of the night and piss on his ashes!

 

Jim Malone: You just fulfilled the first rule of law enforcement: make sure when your shift is over you go home alive. Here endeth the lesson.

 

Malone: Why do you want to be a police officer?

Cadet: To protect the... people and the... p...

Malone: I'm not looking for the textbook answer. Why do you want to join the force.

Cadet: The force?

Malone: Yeah, why do you want to join the force.

Cadet: Because... I...

Malone: Yeah?

Cadet: ... think I could help.

Malone: You think you could help.

Cadet: ... with the force.

Malone: Thank you very much, you've been most helpful.

[The cadet leaves.]

Malone: There goes the next chief of police.

 

Jim Malone: Why do yo want to join the force?

George Stone: To protect the property and citizenry of...

Jim Malone: Ah, don't waste my time with that bull****. Where you from Stone?

George Stone: I'm from the south-side.

Jim Malone: Stone. George Stone. That's your name? What's your real name?

George Stone: That is my real name.

Jim Malone: Nah. What was it before you changed it?

George Stone: Guiseppe Petri.

Jim Malone: Ah, I knew it. That's all you need, one thieving wop on the team.

George Stone: Hey, what's that you say?

Jim Malone: I said that you're a lying member of a no good race.

George Stone: Much better than you, you stinking Irish pig.

Jim Malone: Oh, I like him.

 

[After blowing away a crook who wouldn't "Freeze!"]

Eliot Ness: Didn't you hear what I said? What are you, deaf? What is this, a game?

 

Malone: You said you wanted to get Capone. Do you really wanna get him? You see what I'm saying is, what are you prepared to do?

Eliot Ness: Anything and everything in my power.

Malone: And THEN what are you prepared to do? If you open the can on these worms you must be prepared to go all the way because they're not gonna give up the fight until one of you is dead.

Eliot Ness: How do you do it then?

Malone: You wanna know how you do it? Here's how, they pull a knife, you pull a gun. He sends one of yours to the hospital, you send on of his to the morgue! That's the Chicago way, and that's how you get Capone! Now do you want to do that? Are you ready to do that?

Eliot Ness: I have sworn to capture this man with all legal powers at my disposal and I will do so.

Malone: Well the Lord hates a coward. Do you know what a blood oath is Mr. Ness?

Eliot Ness: Yes.

Malone: Good, cause you just took one.

 

Reporter: Word is they're going to repeal Prohibition. What'll you do then?

Eliot Ness: I think I'll have a drink.

 

Eliot Ness: Never stop, never stop fighting till the fight is done.

Al Capone: What'd you say? What're you saying?

Eliot Ness: I said, "never stop fighting till the fight is done.

Al Capone: What?

Eliot Ness: You heard me, Capone. It's over.

Al Capone: [sneering] Get out, you're nothing but a lot of talk and a badge.

Eliot Ness: Here endeth the lesson.

 

Eliot Ness: I'm going to see you burn because you killed my friend.

Frank Nitti: He died like a pig.

Eliot Ness: What did you say?

Frank Nitti: I said your friend died screaming like a stuck Irish pig. Now you think about that when I beat the rap.

[Ness, enraged, grabs Nitti and throws him off the building ledge. Nitti wails as he falls]

Eliot Ness: "Did it sound anything like THAT?

 

Jim Malone: Why are you carrying the gun?

Eliot Ness: I'm a treasury officer.

Jim Malone: Oh, okay. Just keep in mind what we talked about, huh?

[Malone walks away]

Eliot Ness: Hey, wait a minute! What the hell kind of police work do they teach in this city, huh? You just turned your back on an armed man.

Jim Malone: You're a treasury officer.

Eliot Ness: How do you know that? I just told you that.

Jim Malone: Who would claim to be that, who was not? Hmm?

 

Eliot Ness: I have foresworn myself. I have broken every law I have sworn to uphold, I have become what I beheld and I am content that I have done right!

 

[interrogating a dead body]

Malone: The hell you say. You going to talk?

[beat]

Malone: You're gonna talk, pal. You're gonna beg to talk. Somebody's going to talk. Hey you, on your feet. We need you to translate this book. And you are going to. I won't ask you again. What's the matter. Can't you talk with a gun in your mouth? One... two... three...

 

Malone: Don't wait for it to happen. Don't even want it to happen. Just see what does happen.

 

Deputy Marshal Samuel Gerard: Alright, listen up, people. Our fugitive has been on the run for ninety minutes. Average foot speed over uneven ground barring injuries is 4 miles-per-hour. That gives us a radius of six miles. What I want from each and every one of you is a hard-target search of every gas station, residence, warehouse, farmhouse, henhouse, outhouse and doghouse in that area. Checkpoints go up at fifteen miles. Your fugitive's name is Dr. Richard Kimble. Go get him.

 

Starsky: In Bay City, when you step over the line, your nuts are mine.

 

Hutch: Which one do you want?

Starsky: I've always had a thing for blondes.

Hutch: Good, cause I'll take anything.

 

Reese Feldman: [to a drug dealer] It costs *money*. Planes: they cost money. My perm, this yacht, my kid's braces: it all costs money.

[pointing at his mistress]

Reese Feldman: Do you think Kitty's free?

 

David Starsky: I like your Lincoln.

Huggy Bear: It's a '76. Won't be out 'til next year. But I know some people that know some people that robbed some people.

 

Big Earl: Alright guys, I'm not gonna lie to you. This is gonna get kinda weird... Two dragons.

 

Starsky: It's 10 o'clock, you're late; I've been here since 8.

Hutch: 8 o'clock? I didn't even know this place opened that early.

Starsky: It's okay though, because crime called in sick, it's going to get a late start too.

Hutch: Crime called in sick, I like that...

 

Starsky: Biker bar, huh? What goes on down there?

Huggy Bear: I don't know. Listen to Jim Croce, play darts... whatever the hell else you white people do.

 

Ryan Harrison: [to Sean] Right? Signal "yes" by shooting yourself in the head three times.

Lauren: Don't, it's a trick!

 

Cass Lake: Cass Lake.

Ryan Harrison: No, Ryan Harrison. You're mixing me up with some woman.

 

Ryan Harrison: Your dog sure has a surprised look on his face.

Lauren: That's because you're looking at his butt.

Ryan Harrison: Uh, then he's certainly not going to enjoy that treat I just fed to him.

 

Cass Lake: You see, I think she's my sister.

Ryan Harrison: Sister?

Cass Lake: It's like a brother, only you do each other's hair.

 

Lt. Fergus Falls: You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say may be held against you. One nation, indivisible, till death do us part.

 

Lt. Fergus Falls: Guilt or innocence, that's not my job. It's my duty to pick up scum-sucking punks like yourself who are accused of a crime. A jury of twelve really stupid people who are easily swayed by rich, fat-cat, slimy lawyers, who'll do anything but tell the truth, will sit in judgment of you. It's as American as a burrito.

 

Ryan Harrison: Don't move. I've got a gun. Not here, but I got one.

 

Lt. Fergus Falls: Shoot and gut every animal in the park. Their stomachs might contain something that could be a clue. Donate the meat to charity. The hides can be turned into warm socks for the poor. Grind up the bones for dog food. I want nothing wasted.

 

Master Chief John Urgayle: I never saw a wild thing sorry for itself. A bird will fall frozen dead from a bough without ever having felt sorry for itself.

 

Master Chief John Urgayle: Pain is your friend, your ally, it will tell you when you are seriously injured, it will keep you awake and angry, and remind you to finish the job and get the hell home. But you know the best thing about pain?

Lt. Jordan O'Neil: Hell no!

Master Chief John Urgayle: It lets you know you're not dead yet!

 

Lt. Jordan O'Neil: You were given the Navy Cross right? May I ask what you got it for?

Master Chief John Urgayle: Since it bears on this conversation, I got it for pulling a 250-pound man out of a burning tank.

Lt. Jordan O'Neil: So stopping to save a man makes you a hero, but if a man stops to help a woman soldier, it means he's gone soft?

 

Master Chief John Urgayle: 60% of you will not pass this course! How do I know? Because that is an historical fact! Now for the bad news, I always like to get one quitter on the first day, and until I do, that first day does not end!

 

Lt. Blondell: Lieutenant, why are you doing this?

Lt. Jordan O'Neil: Do you ask the men the same question?

Lt. Blondell: As a matter of fact: yes, I do ask them.

Lt. Jordan O'Neil: And what do they say?

Lt. Blondell: "'Cause I get to blow **** up."

 

Street: So why'd you pick me?

Hondo: To piss off the captain.

 

McCabe: No rolls?

Hondo: You only roll in John Woo movies, not real life.

 

Boxer: I just want to know what you did to my little sister.

Street: She's 28, Boxer, okay? And she's not so little, trust me.

McCabe: [laughing] Oh no, you didn't...

 

McCabe: This was supposed to be a simple smash and grab. Nobody was supposed to get hurt. Boxer was my friend.

Brian Gamble: He was my friend too, TJ.

Alex Montel: Stop crying, you can buy new friends.

 

Hondo: This is where watching 'World's Most Dangerous Police Chases' comes in handy.

 

[About Boxer's mustache]

Boxer: Your mother likes it.

Street: So does your sister.

 

Hondo: The reason we're gathered here on our God-given, much-needed day of rest is that we have a Polish hostage.

Deke: So what if he's Polish?

Hondo: No, no. Means he's one of those: "Anyone comes in, I'll blow my head off" type of guys.

 

Chris Sanchez: Just because you bought me a drink, doesn't mean you're getting layed tonight.

Jim Street: So, what does two drinks mean?

 

Max Bialystock: What's the matter with you?

Leo Bloom: I'm hysterical! I'm having hysterics! I'm hysterical! I can't stop when I get like this. I can't stop. I'm hysterical. Oh my god. Ah-la-la-la.

[bialystock throws a glass of water in Leo's face]

Leo Bloom: [stunned] ... I'm wet! I'm wet! I'm hysterical and I'm wet!

[bialystock slaps Leo]

Leo Bloom: ...I'm in pain! I'm in pain, and I'm wet!... and I'm still hysterical!

[Max raises his hand to slap Leo again]

Leo Bloom: No, no, no don't hit, don't hit. It doesn't help. It only increases my sense of danger.

Max Bialystock: What can I do? What can I do? You're getting me hysterical.

Leo Bloom: Go away. Go away. You frighten me.

 

Ulla: Gut da, por day!

Leo Bloom: Uh, I beg your pardon?

Ulla: Gut da, por day!

Leo Bloom: Ah, gut da! Max, have you gone mad? A receptionist who can't speak English? What will people say?

Max Bialystock: They'll say, "A wuma wa wa wa wa!"

 

[searching for the sure-fire flop]

Max Bialystock: "Gregor Samsa awoke one morning to discover that he had been transformed into a giant cockroach." Nah, it's too good.

 

Franz Liebkind: I am the author. You are the audience. I outrank you!

 

Max Bialystock: Shut up, I'm having a rhetorical conversation.

 

Franz Liebkind: Not many people know it, but the Fuhrer was a terrific dancer.

 

Leo Bloom: Let's assume, just for the moment, that you are a dishonest man.

Max Bialystock: Assume away.

 

Max Bialystock: That's exactly why we want to produce this play. To show the world the true Hitler, the Hitler you loved, the Hitler you knew, the Hitler with a song in his heart.

 

Leo Bloom: Actors are not animals! They're human beings!

Max Bialystock: They are? Have you ever eaten with one?

 

Max Bialystock: You're an accountant! You're in a noble profession! The word "count" is part of your title!

 

Max Bialystock: You have exactly ten seconds to change that look of disgusting pity into one of enormous respect!

 

Lorenzo St. DuBois: [singing] And I give a flower to the big fat cop / He takes his club and he beats me up / I give a flower to the garbage man / He stuffs my girl in the garbage can / And I give it to the landlord when the rent comes 'round / He throws it in the toilet and he flush it down / It goes into the sewer / With the yuck runnin' through 'er / And it runs into the river that we drink / Hey, world, YOU STINK!

 

Max Bialystock: How could this happen? I was so careful. I picked the wrong play, the wrong director, the wrong cast. Where did I go right?

 

Michael Corleone: I know it was you Fredo. You broke my heart. You broke my heart!

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--ZeeMan--

Posted
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Posted
Originally posted by jokemaster

Al Capone: I want this guy dead! I want his family dead! I want his house burned to the ground! I want to go there in the middle of the night and piss on his ashes!

 

Jim Malone: You just fulfilled the first rule of law enforcement: make sure when your shift is over you go home alive. Here endeth the lesson.

 

Malone: Why do you want to be a police officer?

Cadet: To protect the... people and the... p...

Malone: I'm not looking for the textbook answer. Why do you want to join the force.

Cadet: The force?

Malone: Yeah, why do you want to join the force.

Cadet: Because... I...

Malone: Yeah?

Cadet: ... think I could help.

Malone: You think you could help.

Cadet: ... with the force.

Malone: Thank you very much, you've been most helpful.

[The cadet leaves.]

Malone: There goes the next chief of police.

 

Jim Malone: Why do yo want to join the force?

George Stone: To protect the property and citizenry of...

Jim Malone: Ah, don't waste my time with that bull****. Where you from Stone?

George Stone: I'm from the south-side.

Jim Malone: Stone. George Stone. That's your name? What's your real name?

George Stone: That is my real name.

Jim Malone: Nah. What was it before you changed it?

George Stone: Guiseppe Petri.

Jim Malone: Ah, I knew it. That's all you need, one thieving wop on the team.

George Stone: Hey, what's that you say?

Jim Malone: I said that you're a lying member of a no good race.

George Stone: Much better than you, you stinking Irish pig.

Jim Malone: Oh, I like him.

 

[After blowing away a crook who wouldn't "Freeze!"]

Eliot Ness: Didn't you hear what I said? What are you, deaf? What is this, a game?

 

Malone: You said you wanted to get Capone. Do you really wanna get him? You see what I'm saying is, what are you prepared to do?

Eliot Ness: Anything and everything in my power.

Malone: And THEN what are you prepared to do? If you open the can on these worms you must be prepared to go all the way because they're not gonna give up the fight until one of you is dead.

Eliot Ness: How do you do it then?

Malone: You wanna know how you do it? Here's how, they pull a knife, you pull a gun. He sends one of yours to the hospital, you send on of his to the morgue! That's the Chicago way, and that's how you get Capone! Now do you want to do that? Are you ready to do that?

Eliot Ness: I have sworn to capture this man with all legal powers at my disposal and I will do so.

Malone: Well the Lord hates a coward. Do you know what a blood oath is Mr. Ness?

Eliot Ness: Yes.

Malone: Good, cause you just took one.

 

Reporter: Word is they're going to repeal Prohibition. What'll you do then?

Eliot Ness: I think I'll have a drink.

 

Eliot Ness: Never stop, never stop fighting till the fight is done.

Al Capone: What'd you say? What're you saying?

Eliot Ness: I said, "never stop fighting till the fight is done.

Al Capone: What?

Eliot Ness: You heard me, Capone. It's over.

Al Capone: [sneering] Get out, you're nothing but a lot of talk and a badge.

Eliot Ness: Here endeth the lesson.

 

Eliot Ness: I'm going to see you burn because you killed my friend.

Frank Nitti: He died like a pig.

Eliot Ness: What did you say?

Frank Nitti: I said your friend died screaming like a stuck Irish pig. Now you think about that when I beat the rap.

[Ness, enraged, grabs Nitti and throws him off the building ledge. Nitti wails as he falls]

Eliot Ness: "Did it sound anything like THAT?

 

Jim Malone: Why are you carrying the gun?

Eliot Ness: I'm a treasury officer.

Jim Malone: Oh, okay. Just keep in mind what we talked about, huh?

[Malone walks away]

Eliot Ness: Hey, wait a minute! What the hell kind of police work do they teach in this city, huh? You just turned your back on an armed man.

Jim Malone: You're a treasury officer.

Eliot Ness: How do you know that? I just told you that.

Jim Malone: Who would claim to be that, who was not? Hmm?

 

Eliot Ness: I have foresworn myself. I have broken every law I have sworn to uphold, I have become what I beheld and I am content that I have done right!

 

[interrogating a dead body]

Malone: The hell you say. You going to talk?

[beat]

Malone: You're gonna talk, pal. You're gonna beg to talk. Somebody's going to talk. Hey you, on your feet. We need you to translate this book. And you are going to. I won't ask you again. What's the matter. Can't you talk with a gun in your mouth? One... two... three...

 

Malone: Don't wait for it to happen. Don't even want it to happen. Just see what does happen.

 

 

 

AAAAA i love that movie

 

Typical wop, always bringing a knife to a gunfight

 

 

 

EDIT: i forgot this from The Rock

 

Oh you know the usual, trying to avoid gang rape in the showers...although it hasn't been happening lately. I must be losing my sex appeal

and you made a mistake...it's Dat's the Chicago way

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Kain Newbie

Kain

Posted
Posted

As chairman of the welcoming committee, it is my privilege to extend a laurel and hearty handshake to our new...ni**er.

 

What are you doing? This is a closed set!

Piss on you, we're working for Mel Brookes!*goes to punch him*

Not in the face!*gets hit in the stomach*Thank you.

 

Man in Hitler costume: Yea, they loose me right after the bunker scene.

 

Look at that.*holds out hand*

Steady as a rock.

Yeah, but I shoot with this hand.*holds out wildly shaking hand*

 

*after telling a bit about him*...then one day, I hear behind me 'Draw mister!'. I spin around, and there, standing infront of me...was a 6 year old kid. I just threw down my guns and walked away...little bastard shot me in the ass!

 

Are we awake?

We're not sure. Are we...black?

Yes we are.

Then we're awake, but very puzzled.

 

*town singing*Now is a time of great decision / Are we to stay or up and quit? / There's no avoiding this conclusion: / Our town is turning into ****.

 

Morning ma'am. And isn't it a lovely mornin?

Up yours, ni**er.

 

I better go check out this Mongol character.*starts to put guns on*

Oh no, don't do that.

Why not?

If you shoot him you'll only make him mad.

 

I want you to round up every vicious criminal and gunslinger in the west. Take this down: I want rustlers, cutthraots, murderers, bounty hunters, desperados, mugs, pugs, thugs, nitwits, half-wits, dim-wits, vipers, snipers, con men, Indian agents, Mexican bandits, muggers, buggerers, bushwhackers, horse wagglers, horse thiefs, bullbags, train robbers, bank robbers, ass kickers, **** kickers, and Methodists!

 

You've gotta remember that these are just simple farmers. These are people of the land. The common clay of the New West. You know ... morons.

 

Work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work. Hello boys. Have a good night's rest? I missed you!

 

And from Predator: You are one ugly mother ****er.

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Pie™ Newbie

Pie™

Posted
Posted
Originally posted by --ZeeMan--

Merciful father, I have squandered my days with plans of many things. This was not among them, but at this moment I beg only to live the next few minutes well. But all we ought to have thought, and have not thought, all we ought to have said, and have not said, all we ought to have done, and we have not done, I pray thee god for forgiveness.

 

Lo there do I see my father; Lo there do i see my mother and my sisters and my brothers. Lo there do I see my line of my people back to the beginning. Lo they do call me to me, they bid me take my place among them. In the Halls of Valhala, with the brave, they live forever!

 

- 13th Warrior

The cool thing about that movie is all the vikings speaking norwegian :D
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Grace Newbie

Grace

Posted
Posted

"And you want to turn pirate yourself, is that it?" - Captain Jack Sparrow from Pirates of the Caribbean.

 

 

A close second:

 

Will Turner: I can get you out of here.

 

Captain Jack Sparrow: How's that? The key's run off.

 

(In case you can't tell, I love Pirates of the Caribbean!!!)

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--ZeeMan-- Newbie

--ZeeMan--

Posted
  • Author
Posted

FATHER: Cut that out! Cut that out! Look, you're marrying Princess Lucky, so

you'd better get used to the idea!

[smack]

Guards! Make sure the Prince doesn't leave this room until I come and get

him.

GUARD #1: Not to leave the room even if you come and get him.

GUARD #2: Hic!

FATHER: No, no. Until I come and get him.

GUARD #1: Until you come and get him, we're not to enter the room.

FATHER: No, no. No. You stay in the room and make sure he doesn't leave.

GUARD #1: And you'll come and get him.

GUARD #2: Hic!

FATHER: Right.

GUARD #1: We don't need to do anything, apart from just stop him entering the

room.

FATHER: No, no. Leaving the room.

GUARD #1: Leaving the room. Yes.

[sniff]

FATHER: All right?

GUARD #1: Right.

GUARD #2: Hic!

FATHER: Right.

GUARD #1: Oh, if-- if-- if-- uhh-- if-- if-- w-- ehh-- i-- if-- if we--

FATHER: Yes? What is it?

GUARD #1: Oh, i-- if-- i-- oh--

FATHER: Look, it's quite simple.

GUARD #1: Uh...

FATHER: You just stay here, and make sure 'e doesn't leave the room. All

right?

GUARD #2: Hic!

FATHER: Right.

GUARD #1: Oh, I remember. Uhh, can he leave the room with us?

FATHER: N-- no no. No. You just keep him in here, and make sure he--

GUARD #1: Oh, yes. We'll keep him in here, obviously. But if he had to

leave and we were with him--

FATHER: No, no, no, no. Just keep him in here--

GUARD #1: Until you, or anyone else--

FATHER: No, not anyone else. Just me.

GUARD #1: Just you.

GUARD #2: Hic!

FATHER: Get back.

GUARD #1: Get back.

FATHER: All right?

GUARD #1: Right. We'll stay here until you get back.

GUARD #2: Hic!

FATHER: And, uh, make sure he doesn't leave.

GUARD #1: What?

FATHER: Make sure 'e doesn't leave.

GUARD #1: The Prince?

FATHER: Yes. Make sure 'e doesn't leave.

GUARD #1: Oh, yes, of course.

GUARD #2: Hic!

GUARD #1: Ah. I thought you meant him. You know, it seemed a bit daft me

havin' to guard him when he's a guard.

FATHER: Is that clear?

GUARD #2: Hic!

GUARD #1: Oh, quite clear. No problems.

FATHER: Right. Where are you going?

GUARD #1: We're coming with you.

FATHER: No, no. I want you to stay here and make sure 'e doesn't leave.

GUARD #1: Oh, I see. Right.

HERBERT: But Father!

FATHER: Shut your noise, you! And get that suit on!

[music]

And no singing!

GUARD #2: Hic!

FATHER: Oh, go and get a glass of water.

 

 

MINSTREL: [singing] Bravely bold Sir Robin, rode forth from Camelot.

He was not afraid to die, O brave Sir Robin.

He was not at all afraid to be killed in nasty ways.

Brave, brave, brave, brave Sir Robin!

 

He was not in the least bit scared to be mashed into a pulp,

Or to have his eyes gouged out, and his elbows broken.

To have his kneecaps split, and his body burned away,

And his limbs all hacked and mangled, brave Sir Robin!

His head smashed in and his heart cut out,

And his liver removed and his bowels unplugged,

And his nostrils raped and his bottom burned off,

And his pen--

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  • 3 months later...
Darth Groovy Newbie

Darth Groovy

Posted
Posted

Ash: "You know, your shoelace is untied."

Ash: "Well hello Mr. Fancy Pants. Looks to me like your leading Jack and ****, and Jack just left town."

Ash: *holds up sawed off shotgun in front of 1300 AD denizens*

 

"Alright you primitive screw heads listen up. See this? THIS, is my BOOMSTICK!" It's a 12 gage double barrel remington. S-Mart's top of the line! You can find this in the sporting goods department. That's right this baby was made in Grand Rapids Michigan. Retails for about a $109.95, got a walnut stock, cobalt blue steel, and has a hair trigger. That's right, shop smart, shop S-Mart. YOU GOT THAT!!!"

 

Ash: "First you want to kill me, now you want to kiss me. Blow!"

 

Ash: "Gimmie some sugar baby!"

 

Ash: "My god let's give them what for!"

 

Ash: "Yeah right. And I'm a Chinese Jet Pilot!"

 

Ash: "Well that's just what we call pillow talk baby!"

 

Ash: "Hail to the King Baby!"

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Nalukai Newbie

Nalukai

Posted
Posted

"Your lack of faith disturbs me....." (if you don't know who then you should be shot..)

 

"WTF is the Internet!?" Jason Muse- Jay n Silent bob strike back.

 

"It's 200 miles to Chicago. We have a full tank of gas, a half pack of cigarettes, its dark, and we're wearing sunglasses........HIT IT!"- The Blues Brothers.

 

"But you said you loved me....."

"Aw baby, in my time thats what we call pillow talk" Bruce Campbell- Army of Darkness

 

" What about the Thing? Is his dong made of rock too??" Jason Lee- Mallrats

 

" The possesions you own, end up owning you..." Tyler Durden - Fight Club

 

"For those of you lucky enough to have their lives, take them with you!!! however....leave the limbs you have lost...they belong to me now...." Beautrix Kiddo- Kill Bill

 

"Do I make you hornay babay??????" Austin Powers- any movie

 

"The greatest trick the Devil ever played, was convincing the World he does not exist...." Kaiser Jorge- The Usual Suspects

 

 

"BABAY!!! the other-other white meat....BABAY- its what's for dinner... get in mah bellay!" Fat Bastard- The Spy who Shagged Me

 

"Why do they call him Boris the Bullet Dodger?"

" Cuz he dodges f*****bullets...." - Jason Statham- Snatch

 

"Why I gotta be Mr. Pink???"

"Cuz your a faggot that's why"

"Mr Brown... that's too close to Mr. ****" - Reservior Dogs

 

"Damn he was right... she does taste like a peach"

"Clarence...It ain't white boy day is it? Naw man- it ain't no white boy day"

both from True Romance- Hopper/Oldman

 

"You flash yo piece at me on tha lanes mon... I TAKE it away....stick it up your ass and pull the trigger till it go CLICK"

"Jesus..."

"You said it mon...and noone f****wit teh Jesus" John Turturro- the Big Lebowski

 

"I tell you what Ski-King.... why don't you take yo mama home some chicken, so that way I don't have to put mah bOOt all up inya ASS!!" Sid Haig (Capt Spalding) House of 1000 Corpses

 

"Floors now.. then dish.. then I'll be on fry, and then THE GRILL... and that's when the big bucks come.." Louie Anderson- Coming to America

 

not a movie here but its just downright hilarious...

" Come on, the French avoid showers like a Blonde at the Bates Motel." Dennis Miller

 

"But Ford... we just wanted to be held...."

"Heh, joo got tha bonus plan..." Dice- Ford Fairlane

 

"We have such sights to show you....." Pinhead- Hellraiser

 

"This little girl survived here for 3 months with those things with no food or shelter." Ripley

"Why dont you put her in charge!!!" Hudson- Aliens

 

 

"Who gets the dollar bill first... the Male friendly Lesbian, the Easter bunny, Santa, or the man hating dyke?"

" the man hating dyke..."

"Good, why?"

"dunno"

"CUZ THE OTHER 3 ARE ALL FIGMENTS OF YOUR F*****IMAGINATION!!!!!!!!!" - Jason Lee- Chasing Amy

 

 

 

LOL i could go on forever so many good uns if i dont stop now it will take 2 minutes to scroll down.:D

edit: oo i forgot some dennis hopper action in Blue Velvet...

 

" You like beer?"

"What kind?"

"HEINEKEN...F*** that S***....PABST BLUE RIBBON!!!"

 

"You get a love letter form me, that means you're f****ed for life... Ill send you to hell!!!"

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