NicktheSheep Posted January 4, 2005 Share Posted January 4, 2005 A fella finds himself in front of the Pearly Gates. Ol' Peter explains that it's not so easy to get in heaven. There are some criteria before entry is allowed. For example, was the man religious in life? Attend church? No? ..that's bad, that's bad ...Was he generous? give money to the poor? Charities? ...No?...not good, not good....Did he do any good deeds? Help his neighbor? Anything?...NO?? Exasperated, Peter says, "Look, EVERYBODY does something nice sometime. Work with me, I'm trying to help. Now think!" The man says, "There WAS this old lady. I came out of a store and found her surrounded by a dozen Hell's Angels. They had taken her purse and were shoving her around. Taunting and abusing her. I got so mad I threw my bags down, fought thru the crowd and got her purse back. Helped her to her feet. I then went up to the biggest, baddest biker and told him how despicable, cowardly and mean he was and SPIT in his face". "Wow", said Peter, "That's impressive. When did this happen"? "Oh, about 10 minutes ago", replied the man. A woman was cheating on her husaband and as soon as he came home one day, she stuffed her lover in her wardrobe, not knowing that her son had been playing in it. "Sure is dark," said the boy. "Yeah," said her lover. "I've got a baseball. Wanna buy it?" "No." "Dad's outside," "Fine. How much?" "250." Later the next week, the boy's father came home and again he found himself in the closet with her lover. "Sure is dark," he said. "Yeah." "I have a baseball mitt. Wanna buy it?" "No." "Dad's outside." "Fine. How much?" "750." Later on the father asked his son to play catch outside, but the boy replied that he couldn't - that he'd sold both his ball and his glove. "How much?" asked the father. "1000," said the boy. "That's terrible, over-charging people like that..." So the father took his son to church to confess his wrongdoings. As soon as the boy was in the confessional booth, he said, "Sure is dark in here." "Don't start that crap again!" said the priest. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lynk Former Posted January 5, 2005 Share Posted January 5, 2005 wait for someone else to post before you post another joke, in otherwords... don't double post. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NicktheSheep Posted January 5, 2005 Author Share Posted January 5, 2005 Not a problem. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Soromonu Posted January 6, 2005 Share Posted January 6, 2005 The Bear Hunter Frank was excited about his new rifle and decided to try bear hunting. He traveled up to Alaska, spotted a small brown bear and shot it. Soon after there was a tap on his shoulder, and he turned around to see a big black bear. The black bear said, "That was a very bad mistake. That was my cousin. I'm going to give you two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have sex." After considering briefly, Frank decided to accept the latter alternative. So the black bear had his way with Frank. Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Frank soon recovered and vowed revenge. He headed out on another trip to Alaska where he found the black bear and shot it dead. Right after, there was another tap on his shoulder. This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him. The grizzly said, "That was a big mistake, Frank. That was my cousin and you've got two choices: Either I maul you to death or we have rough sex." Again, Frank thought it was better to cooperate with the grizzly bear than be mauled to death. So the grizzly had his way with Frank. Although he survived, it took several months before Frank fully recovered. Now Frank was completely outraged, so he headed back to Alaska and managed to track down the grizzly bear and shot it. He felt sweet revenge, but then, moments later, there was a tap on his shoulder. He turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there. The polar bear looked at him and said, "Admit it Frank, you don't come here for the hunting, do you?" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NicktheSheep Posted January 6, 2005 Author Share Posted January 6, 2005 lol good one that reminds me of this one... A young punk gets on a bus and sits down in directly across from an old man. The young punk has spiked green, purple and orange hair. His clothing is a tattered mix of leather rags. His entire face and body are covered with piercings and his earrings are big, bright red, yellow and green feathers. The old man stares at the young punk as the bus travels across the city. Finally, the punk looks across at the old man, and yells, "What are you looking at, old man! Didn't you do anything wild when you were young?" Without missing a beat, the old man replies, "Yeah. Back when I was very young and in the Navy, I got really drunk in Singapore and had sex with a parrot... I thought you might be my son." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JinniX Posted January 11, 2005 Share Posted January 11, 2005 There is a little seriousness in every bad thing. For example, an 8 year old is decapitated by an airbag, thats horible, but just think, 10 minutes before that the 8 year old was yelling to his mother, "I want a balloon, I want a balloon!" Well, he got his balloon. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
St. Jimmy Posted April 23, 2006 Share Posted April 23, 2006 A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. "Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful ... CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!" The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?" The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Foshjedi2004 Posted April 23, 2006 Share Posted April 23, 2006 A tourist walked into a pet shop and was looking at the animals on display. While he was there, another customer walked in and said to the shopkeeper, "I'll have a C monkey please." The shopkeeper nodded, went over to a cage at the side of the shop and took out a monkey. He fit a collar and leash, handed it to the customer, saying, "That'll be $5000." The customer paid and walked out with his monkey. Startled, the tourist went over to the shopkeeper and said, "That was a very expensive monkey. The cost of them are only a few hundred dollars. Why did it cost so much?" The shopkeeper answered, "Ah, that monkey can program in C - very fast, tight code, no bugs, well worth the money." The tourist looked at the monkey in another cage. "That one's even more expensive! $10,000! What does it do?" "Oh, that one's a C++ monkey; it can manage object-oriented programming, Visual C++, even some Java. All the really useful stuff," said the shopkeeper. The tourist looked around for a little longer and saw a third monkey in a cage of its own. The price tag around its neck read $50,000. He gasped to the shopkeeper, "That one costs more than all the other put together! What on earth does it do?" The shopkeeper replied, "Well, I haven't actually seen it do anything, but it says it's a project manager." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Astrotoy7 Posted April 25, 2006 Share Posted April 25, 2006 ah, the good ole joke thread. play nice and have fun I am hard pressed to remember jokes that do not have a bit of swearing in them, so I must refrain for the time being. mtfbwya Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TSR Posted April 25, 2006 Share Posted April 25, 2006 like astrotoy, many of the ones i know would be considered "vulgar" and "inapropriate"... i'll just stand at the sidelines for a bit... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jedi_exile Posted May 1, 2006 Share Posted May 1, 2006 A drunk walks out of a bar with a key in his hand and he is stumbling back and forth. A cop on the beat sees him and approaches "Can I help you sir?" "Yessh! Ssssomebody ssstole my carrr" the man replies. The cop asks "Where was your car the last time you saw it?" "It wasss on the end of thisshh key" the man replies. About that time the cop looks down and sees the man's 'privates' hanging out of his fly for all the world to see. He asks the man "Sir, are you aware that you are exposing yourself?" Momentarily confused, the drunk looks down at his crotch and without missing a beat, blurts out "I'll be damned ----- My girlfriend's gone, too!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fealiks Posted May 3, 2006 Share Posted May 3, 2006 haha very good, Jedi Exile. Ill have to try to remember some non- vulgar jokes too then. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Foshjedi2004 Posted May 3, 2006 Share Posted May 3, 2006 3 Chavs Fly off a Cliff in a Nova....The Shame? A Nova Seats 5 Is that too insulting as I have about a hundred Chav Jokes. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fealiks Posted May 3, 2006 Share Posted May 3, 2006 ROFLMAO!!!!!!!!! HAHAHAHAHA!! funniest thing Ive heard all day! please tell all of your other chav jokes! the only (crappy) one I can think of at the moment is this: A man is driving down a road in the country-side and a car (facing the opposite way to the man's car) has just turned the corner that the man is about to turn. The woman in the car leans out of her window and shouts "PIG!" outraged, the man leant out of his own window and shouted "BITCH!" at the woman to get his own-back. The man then drove round the corner and hit a pig. edit: David Beckham is using a vending machine in the corridor of a local sports hall. He puts the change in, gets the goods then repeats. He's been doing this for about 5 minutes now and has a pile of chocolate bars, crisps, cans and all sorts of sweets next to him. A Queue has formed behind him now, its getting pretty long. The dude behind him has had enough, hes tired of waiting just because david is a celebrity. "Move now, I want my chocolate bar!" he pipes up "hang on," says david, pondering over which random buttons to press next. "Come on, you've been here for a good ten minutes now" says the man behind him "Ok hang on!" David is starting to get frustrated. "Come on youve got enough food there to last you for months!" shouts the man, equally annoyed. David turns round and shouts "Shut the hell up, I'm winning!!" A man is in a resturaunt eating a hamburger, when he notices a hair in it. he opens up the burger and sees a forest of hairs. He's having none of this and shouts out to the waitress "Hey theres tonnes of hair in my burger! I demand to see whats going on here!" So the waitress takes him to the kitchen where everything seems normal, untill he notices that the chef is flattening the pattys by pressing them up against his sasquatch-like armpit. "Thats just disgusting! I think I'm goung to be sick!" Shouts the customer. The waitress casually says to him "If you think thats bad, you wanna see how he makes the donuts." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Doctor Posted May 8, 2006 Share Posted May 8, 2006 This one is supposed to have cruder language, but I've edited it to fit the PG-13 requirement. Three Englishmen walk into a bar in Newcastle. Sitting at the counter is a madly drunk man, who's yelling out randomly at people in a thick Irish accent. These Englishmen really hate the Irish, so they put their heads together to come up with a plan to piss this guy off. The first Englishmen walks up to him and says "Hey, jackass! I hear your 'St.' Patrick was gay!" The Irishmen looks at him cross eyed and says very politely "Really? Well that is quite fascinating!" The Englishmen walks away, thouroughly put out. The second one shakes his head as he passes him. "Watch this." He walks up to the bar. "Hey, moron! I hear you 'St.' Patrick was a cross dresser!" The Irishmen belches, and says "Really! Well, you learn something new every day, don't you?" By now, the Englishmen are getting pissed. The put their heads together again, and the third guy says "Don't worry, boys. I know what will piss him off good!" He walks up to the Irishmen, knocks his drink out of his hand, and says "Hey retard! Guess what I heard? I heard that St. Patrick wasn't even Irish! I hear he was actually English!" The Irishmen shakes his head and says "There's no use, sonny! Your friends were just tellin me the same thing!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Foshjedi2004 Posted May 8, 2006 Share Posted May 8, 2006 How many Chavs does it take to change a lightbulb?? 1, they'll screw anything What do you call 100 chavs in a canal?? A Start Why did the Chav take a shower?? he didn't mean to, he forgot to close his Nova's window when he went through a carwash. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TSR Posted May 8, 2006 Share Posted May 8, 2006 yes! another englander who HATES CHAVS! we should soooo team up and make the first anti-chav team. rock on Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MachineCult Posted May 8, 2006 Share Posted May 8, 2006 All Englanders hate chavs. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TSR Posted May 9, 2006 Share Posted May 9, 2006 except for the englanders that are chavs. but they don't deserve to be called english.... ----------------------------- How many forum posters does it take to change a light bulb? 1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed 14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently 7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs 27 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs 53 to flame the spell checkers 41 to correct spelling/grammar flames 6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb" ... another 6 to condemn those 6 as anal-retentive 2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp" 15 know-it-alls who claim *they* were in the industry, and that "light bulb" is perfectly correct 156 to email the participant's ISPs complaining that they are in violation of their "acceptable use policy" 109 to post that this group is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb group 203 to demand that cross posting to hardware forum, off-topic forum, and lightbulb group about changing light bulbs be stopped 111 to defend the posting to this group saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts *are* relevant to this group 306 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty 27 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs 14 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL's 3 to post about links they found from the URL's that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group 33 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "Me too" 12 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy 19 to quote the "Me too's" to say "Me three" 4 to suggest that posters request the light bulb FAQ 44 to ask what is a "FAQ" 4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?" 143 to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs" 1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again.... its funny cos its true! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Astrotoy7 Posted May 21, 2006 Share Posted May 21, 2006 OK. Enough off topic banter about Chavs and the like. We arent down at the local avin a pint, and most non UK people dont know what the heck you are on about. Back to the jokes ! I liek the lightbulb one. It reminds me of Niners spelling rant over at AHTO In fact, I might teleport/cutnpaste this over there, I'll acknowledge the source, of course mtfbwya Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fealiks Posted May 21, 2006 Share Posted May 21, 2006 In fact, I might teleport/cutnpaste this over there, I'll acknowledge the source, of course mtfbwya If there are as many people in that thread as there are in venom tyrants' post, I wouldnt bother. Besides I dont like the idea spending the majority of my life reading a forum discussion about lights. And bulbs for that matter. nah seriously, 'port it over! Oh and btw astrotoy, something I've always wanted to ask you: what in the name of Chuck Norris' fist does mtfbwya mean?! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hallucination Posted May 22, 2006 Share Posted May 22, 2006 What's an Australian kiss? Like a French kiss, down under. A tourist in Vienna is going through a graveyard and all of a sudden he hears some music. No one is around, so he starts searching for the source. He finally locates the origin and finds it is coming from a grave with a headstone that reads: Ludwig van Beethoven, 1770-1827. Then he realizes that the music is the Ninth Symphony and it is being played backward! Puzzled, he leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend to return with him. By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music has changed. This time it is the Seventh Symphony, but like the previous piece, it is being played backward. Curious, the men agree to consult a music scholar. When they return with the expert, the Fifth Symphony is playing, again backward. The expert notices that the symphonies are being played in the reverse order in which they were composed, the 9th, then the 7th, then the 5th. By the next day the word has spread and a throng has gathered around the grave. They are all listening to the Second Symphony being played backward. Just then the graveyard's caretaker ambles up to the group. Someone in the crowd asks him if he has an explanation for the music. "Oh, it's nothing to worry about" says the caretaker. "He's just decomposing!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TSR Posted May 22, 2006 Share Posted May 22, 2006 what in the name of Chuck Norris' fist does mtfbwya mean?! heh heh...one is also knowledgable... first word = "may"... thanks astrotoy... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Commander Obi-Wan Posted May 22, 2006 Share Posted May 22, 2006 what in the name of Chuck Norris' fist does mtfbwya mean?! "May the Force be with you always" I had to steal Astro's thunder! EDIT: changed.....damn it, Halucination! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hallucination Posted May 22, 2006 Share Posted May 22, 2006 "May the Force be with you all" I had to steal Astro's thunder! Actually it means 'May the Force be with you always' Second hand thunder-stealing FTW! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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