Emperor Devon Posted July 28, 2005 Share Posted July 28, 2005 1, 9 and 10 were the funniest! "I thiught I was Mr. Sugerbrown's daughter, but mommy says I'm not." That just cracked me up... A bit off topic, but can anyone read the teeny letters on ChAiNz's avatar? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ChAiNz.2da Posted July 28, 2005 Author Share Posted July 28, 2005 Originally posted by Emperor Devon A bit off topic, but can anyone read the teeny letters on ChAiNz's avatar? The rotating logo text says: "I thought what I'd do was, I'd pretend I was one of those deaf-mutes". It's an excerpt from 'The Catcher in the Rye' by Jerome David Salinger.... The .gif is small (70x70) so it makes it really hard, (next to impossible) to read... but I swear it's actually typed in there Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MdKnightR Posted July 28, 2005 Share Posted July 28, 2005 Originally posted by ChAiNz.2da Obviously we here at my workplace have nothing better to do than forward junk like this to each other... but... Yeah, I'm bored and have nothing better to do until my client shows up for his edit session ----------------------------- Use the third letter of your first name to determine your new first name: a = poopsie __ b = lumpy __ c = buttercup d = gadget __ e = crusty __ f = greasy g = fluffy __ h = cheeseball __ i = chim-chim j = stinky __ k = flunky __ l = bootie m = pinky __ n = zippy __ o = goober p = doofus __ q = slimy __ r = loopy s = snotty __ t = tootie __ u = dorkey v = squeezit __ w = oprah __ x = skipper y = dinky __ z = zsa-zsa Use the second letter of your last name t o determine the first half of your new last name: a = apple __ b = toilet __ c = giggle d = burger __ e = girdle __ f = barf g = lizard __ h = waffle __ i = cootie j = monkey __ k = potty __ l = liver m = banana __ n = rhino __ o = bubble p = hamster __ q = toad __ r = gizzard s = pizza __ t = gerbilvu __ u = chicken v = pickle __ w = chuckle __ x = tofu y = gorilla __ z = stinker Use the fourth letter of your last name to determine the second half of your new last name: a = head __ b = mouth __ c = face d = nose __ e = tush __ f = breath g = pants __ h = shorts __ i = lips j = honker __ k = butt __ l = brain m = tushie __ n = biscuits __ o = hiney p = chunks __ q = toes __ r = buns s = fanny __ t = sniffer __ u = sprinkles v = kisser __ w = squirt __ x = humperdinck y = brains __ z = juice Thus, for example, George W. Bush's new name is Goober_Chickenshorts. William Jefferson Clinton is Bootie Liverbiscuits. And of course, I shall be known in the "Underground" as..... Tootie BubbleHiney Fear me now! I'm Cheeseball Girdlenose Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RevanA4 Posted July 28, 2005 Share Posted July 28, 2005 well I'm loopy bubblenose:confused: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bob Lion54 Posted July 28, 2005 Share Posted July 28, 2005 lumpy bubblemouth........ Do I need penicillin? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MdKnightR Posted July 28, 2005 Share Posted July 28, 2005 ChaiNz.2da, where do you get all this stuff? Great stuff! Here is another for you... Somewhat mature humor: This guy named Bob was having a tough time with an old football injury. His knee was getting real stiff and he wasn't able to function at work because of it, so he went to see his doctor. The doctor examined his old knee and came to the conclusion that it there was only one solution. Dr: "Well Bob, there is only one thing I can do for you. I am going to have to shoot you full of cortizone." Bob: "Okay, so?" Dr. "Well, I have to take a really long needle and work it into the back of the joint. It'll hurt like hell. Bob: "Oh, come on, Doc! I have only had 2 real pains in my life anyway. Dr.: "What do you mean?" Bob: "Well, the first real pain that I had occured when I was bear hunting in Canada. One evening at the campground, I had to hike around the back of this big tree to take a dump. What I didn't realize at the time is that there was a bear trap just below me. When that turd hit that trap BAM! :drop2:The twins were done for!" Dr.: "I'm afraid to ask what the second real pain was..." Bob: "It was when that chain ran out of slack!":monkbomb: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ChAiNz.2da Posted July 28, 2005 Author Share Posted July 28, 2005 Originally posted by MdKnightR ChaiNz.2da, where do you get all this stuff? Great stuff! Here is another for you... ~snip~ The ladies I work with at JTV are always sending me stuff like this (yeah, as you can see we spend our time diligently)... hehehe as for your joke: LOL!! ...ouch... LOL!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MdKnightR Posted July 28, 2005 Share Posted July 28, 2005 Originally posted by ChAiNz.2da as for your joke: LOL!! ...ouch... LOL!! I'm glad you liked it. Here's another, somewhat adult, joke... Once upon a time, there was this couple who that lived on a farm and had a morning routine. To begin every morning, the husband would wake up, fart, and roll over. Well, the fart was so loud and smelly that it would wake up his wife. She would roll over and place her arm around his shoulder and say, "Honey, if you don't watch out, one of these days you are going to blow your guts out." Of course, he would just chuckle at her. Well, Christmas morning rolled around and the wife decided that she would get out of bed early to slaughter and prepare the pig for the dinner. As she was gutting the hog, she got a brilliant idea. She placed the intestines in a pot and took them up to the bedroom. Once there, she carefully placed them into the back of his pajamas so as not to wake him. About 10 minutes passed when she heard rapid footsteps upstairs. She went into the bedroom to find that her husband was not there. She heard heavy breathing coming from the bathroom, so she began knocking. No answer! So, she waited. About 2 hours later, he opens the door. He is pale white and naked with bullets of sweat streaming off of his body. It is all she can do to contain her laughter. He looks at her and says,"You were right, Honey. I did blow my guts out. But by the Grace of God and these 2 fingers, I put them all right back in! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jeff Posted July 28, 2005 Share Posted July 28, 2005 ^^^ Disgusting! But still funny Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rok_stoned Posted July 28, 2005 Share Posted July 28, 2005 Good to see there is at least one man who can realize it you do realise its more than a bit immature to assume that every single man(not actual single man) is an immature simplatone so lay back on the all men are imature thing please it getting insulting... im not saying stop it completely just step away from it for awhile. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MdKnightR Posted July 29, 2005 Share Posted July 29, 2005 Something for the ladies.... Reasons why men are happier - Men Are Just Happier People-- What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be President. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend. Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck. You can play with toys all your life. Your belly usually hides your big hips. One wallet and one pair of shoes one color for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache. You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes. No wonder men are happier. Can you add to this list? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ChAiNz.2da Posted July 29, 2005 Author Share Posted July 29, 2005 Originally posted by PsionicBeverage you do realise its more than a bit immature to assume that every single man(not actual single man) is an immature simplatone so lay back on the all men are imature thing please it getting insulting... im not saying stop it completely just step away from it for awhile. err... they're jokes... "The Lighter Side of Life"... you can easily ignore the thread Most of these jokes are submitted by the women of JTV, so I'll continue to post them when they come available (content permitted)... I'm a guy too, and being surrounded by a bunch of women you learn to get "tough skin"...but that's also why I try to title the post so members can see what the post of jokes are about... But I'll take your request into consideration, so I'd ask anyone that post jokes in here, to please Title Your Posts if it contains a particular subject grouping... (ie - Women Jokes, Men Jokes, Wacky Humor, Funny Pics, etc.) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bastila Posted July 29, 2005 Share Posted July 29, 2005 Originally posted by MdKnightR Something for the ladies.... Reasons why men are happier Your last name stays put. When you get married you can keep your own name as well as your husband. You can be President. I don't really know about presidents, but i think women can as over hear we have had a women primester. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. I don't have to think about that as i know, not all women are silly (can't write blonde lol) You can open all your own jars I can open jars. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. How true is that my mates had the same style since 12, and my dad don't get me started about him lol. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MdKnightR Posted July 29, 2005 Share Posted July 29, 2005 Originally posted by ChAiNz.2da being surrounded by a bunch of women you learn to get "tough skin"... Uh, ChaiNz, is your ~snip~ dysfunction really an appropriate topic of conversation here? nope, - ChAiNz.2da Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MdKnightR Posted July 29, 2005 Share Posted July 29, 2005 Originally posted by MdKnightR Uh, ChaiNz, is your ~snip~ dysfunction really an appropriate topic of conversation here? nope, - ChAiNz.2da Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rok_stoned Posted July 30, 2005 Share Posted July 30, 2005 err... they're jokes... "The Lighter Side of Life"... im not talking about the thread you're right i could avoid thread if I wanted to. but im talking about darth 333's inceasent men are imature campaign, not the thread. anyhow nice list of why its good to be a guy heres another one: theres three whites: white, off white and not white. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Emperor Devon Posted July 30, 2005 Share Posted July 30, 2005 Something for the ladies.... Can you add to this list? You got most of the points, but I found a few you missed. You're not a target of lust. You don't have to smear cream over your face. (Makeup.) ~snip~ There's no need to tear the hair out of your legs with hot pieces of wax. You don't have to worry about fashion. You're (usually) physically stronger. You're not expected to wear revealing outfits. You only a haircut once every few months. You only need one type of shampoo. The other gender has to wear the more uncomftorable clothing and shoes. Saying "How sad." is considered deep sympathy. while perhaps true, let's try to keep it "light". That's a particularly 'dark' subject - ChAiNz.2da Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rok_stoned Posted July 30, 2005 Share Posted July 30, 2005 You're (usually) physically stronger just incase there are a few stereotypical geeks here you may want to avoid that one but those are some goods ones. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MdKnightR Posted July 31, 2005 Share Posted July 31, 2005 You're not expected to wear revealing outfits. Very good additions! Here's something that goes with that... Ladies, if you're not going to dress like the Victoria's Secret Girls, don't expect us to act like Soap Opera Guys. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rok_stoned Posted August 1, 2005 Share Posted August 1, 2005 I got another: pear shaped is not un-shapely Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MdKnightR Posted August 1, 2005 Share Posted August 1, 2005 I got another: pear shaped is not un-shapely Or put another way...I am in shape! Round is a shape! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rok_stoned Posted August 1, 2005 Share Posted August 1, 2005 that ones old iwas trying to be original but thats still funny! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ChAiNz.2da Posted August 15, 2005 Author Share Posted August 15, 2005 Okay, apparently the ladies of JTV are at it again Med Students First year students at Med school were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human body. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor started the class by telling them, "In medicine, it is necessary to have 2 important qualities. The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body." The Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the corpse, withdrew it and stuck his finger in his mouth. "Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students. The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead body and sucking on it. When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and told them, "The second important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Emperor Devon Posted August 15, 2005 Share Posted August 15, 2005 That's disgusting... But also funny. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bob Lion54 Posted August 15, 2005 Share Posted August 15, 2005 HEHEHE. I heard that one before, but its still funny. It reminds me of a story my neighbor told me. He's a doctor now, but this story takes place during his residency. Basically, when your a resident, you are assigned to different areas of the hospital for experience. It dosen't matter what field your studying, you still put in time in ER, psychology, ext.... ( at least thats how I understand it) One day while working in the Psychology Ward, he meets a patient who was commited because he kept hurting himself. He asked him why he was doing that. The man told him it was because God told him to. Well, my neighbor asked him "how do you know its not the Devil?" The man thought for a moment. Then he replied " I never thought of that!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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