machievelli Posted October 11, 2008 Author Share Posted October 11, 2008 I was under the impression that the Mandalorians would enslave their victims if they had not fought to the death. Juhani described her homeworld being destroyed and made it seem as though only thousands escaped death. I'm really going off that and the Mongolian Empire's tactics of razing all resistance and oppressing those who surrender without a fight. They did depopulate what was once the Persian Empire in the 14th Century and did the same a century earlier in Poland, but even the Mongols didn't slaughter everyone. Their usual routine was to destroy the city walls, and set up local satraps to collect taxes. After all; no matter how many resources you have, you need the workers to supply what the military needs. Would you recommend that I get the words flowing the most smoothly, or will the chapter suffer by being too long? Any other advice would be appreciated. Thanks. Try editing first to maintain the flow. making it too long is something they can deal with Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted October 17, 2008 Author Share Posted October 17, 2008 Coruscant Entertainment Center Umbral Tide: Chapter I: Secret Mission, Secret Ally Tysyacha Non SW: Continuation of Umbral Tide, Rescue from certain death, or is it? I find myself hoping Tsyyacha will make a mistake and write something unworthy of attention. Fat chance. The piece smoothly segues into the ‘impossible mission’. Well done. Pick of the Week The Obscure Circumstances Surrounding the Death of Sir Richard Raleigh Wellesley Sabretooth Non SW: A messenger delivers his message in a unique way. Really interesting in it’s scope and style. Others have commented on the work, and mine is about the mental process of the murderer. It seems almost as if he had been programmed to commit the crime. Pick of the Week Chronicles of a President Litofsky Non SW: Summations, and the verdict. A well rounded piece with good description and characterization. Well worth the read. Welcome to the forum. Pick of the week Forever loved Mr BFA Post TSL: The Exile seeks Revan, and despairs A nicely strange piece kid. Oh and it’s Naiveté. Pick of the Week Luke Skywalker: Computer Problem CommanderQ No specific period given: Luke is posting on the net for the first time…god help him. The basic problem is that you didn’t give us much to work with. However I did notice the following; you forgot conversation breaks, there was little or no description (What was he posting for example? Was it to a fiction site, a Rebel secret domain where he could boast about his destruction of the Deathstar? Maybe even a singles site?), the wording sounds a bit cumbersome, so try smoothing it out a bit before posting. Welcome to the forum, and as the official critic, don’t take Lynk’s words to heart. There’s always one like that. Mand'alor: Knowledge is Power CommanderQ Battle of Malachor V: The Mand’alor contemplates his coming death, and what brought his people to this. Since they were both reviewed at the same time, I can’t say you weren’t paying attention. The same problems here. Another one I noticed is your Mandalorians are almost cardboard cutouts. Check out the excellent work by Karen Traviss who has spent a lot of time creating a society for the Mando’a. My own work had been influenced by her writing, and the language is well thought out. For example the ship would be named Mand’alor marev Not too bad, just follow the mantra they have heard so many times; reread, edit, rewrite, repeat. Polish until smooth. kotorfanmedia Hero's Last Journey Chapter 1 Jawa13 Post TSL in the Unknown Region: The Exile finds Revan… But it isn’t a fond meeting. The piece could use some editing, primarily to smooth it out. The action is disjointed. You need to remember to describe more. All in all a good start. Rest Kaikuro Note: The author recently changed names to Zephyris TSL Aboard Ebon Hawk: Bao-Dur’s nightmares draws the Exile to heal his pain. Problems with the wrong words sometimes, you have exhaust instead of exhaustion for example. The only real problem I saw with it was having the same statement repeated three times in back to back sentences, as if the subject was either unwilling or unable to understand without repetition That being said the angst was well done, the imagery so well done I wish I could do as well. Pick of the Week Master and Apprentice Ryusui At the beginning of the Jedi Intervention: Kavar tries to convince his apprentice not to go to war This was like a diamond on display, cut and faceted with care, trimmed down to perfection. I have read the companion piece Defying Gravity and it is a perfect gem to set beside it. Pick of the Week The Paths We Take: Part I- Love's Sacrifice Starr Post KOTOR: Revan must face her demons alone The piece was great because there is so much backstory filled in that once the next chapter begins, we have a firm footing to fit the puzzle together. One of the most interesting views not only of Revan’s life, but those around her as well. Pick of the Week When they were young: Of Duels and Ambushes SkyePrism Post TSL: A glimpse into the past of the main characters of both games The work is missing conversation breaks which would have made it almost 3 times as long. This is an editing problem, nothing more. Now, this was great! It was amusing seeing our heroes and villains not as the smooth trained warriors they became but as a bunch of kids making at the one point stupid mistakes. I was reminded of the Three Stooges in the last segment, and if I had the time I’d love to read every morsel of this one. Pick of the week More than an Exile, Prologue--Exiled Kb101 TSL On Coruscant: Retelling of the verdict that created the exile. A few problems with homonyms (You caught the Their/They’re one, but did you catch the hear instead of here?) but nothing a simple edit will not cure. A basic run through of the scene, but spiced by making the character more alive with movement, angst, and thought. Very well done. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lynk Former Posted October 17, 2008 Share Posted October 17, 2008 Welcome to the forum, and as the official critic, don’t take Lynk’s words to heart. There’s always one like that. You mean there's always one person who's just having a bit of innocent fun with a new guy and letting him know that we're all pretty laid back people around here so he should feel comfortable having fun? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted October 17, 2008 Author Share Posted October 17, 2008 You mean there's always one person who's just having a bit of innocent fun with a new guy and letting him know that we're all pretty laid back people around here so he should feel comfortable having fun? something like that Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Litofsky Posted October 18, 2008 Share Posted October 18, 2008 Thanks a lot for the review, mach. When I get my next chapter out, would you mind reviewing that (please)? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The_Catto Posted October 20, 2008 Share Posted October 20, 2008 Cheer's for review. And POTW! And I knew it was spelled something like that! When I typed it up in Word, it didn't come up with an error so i just left it. Stupid program...pfft! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted October 24, 2008 Author Share Posted October 24, 2008 Coruscant Entertainment Center Descending into Revan's Shadow (Ending to 'Prior to Exile') Darth Yuthura The Mandalorian War to Exile told backwards: The Exile reacts to the council decision. There’s some missing punctuation. Several times you had the character ask questions, but left out the question marks. I think you’re having the same problem here that I am having with a couple of things right now, you’re letting you words run ahead of you. Slow down just a bit, and remember to edit. The piece is good because you get a lot more emotion from this than you get from the game. You have everyone getting into it, some surprising you with their vitriol. Pick of the week Umbral Tide: Chapter II: The Vagabond's Inn Tysyacha Non SW: 3rd segment of Umbral Tide, a stay at an inn adds to the party. The story is good as are the basics. The only problem is people are joining the party a bit too readily. I make the same kind of mistake some times, so it’s no biggie. The Exiles final fate Knight12167 400 years after TSL: The Exile despairs for the Republic The piece does have a lot of mistakes, but you knew that coming in. It needed editing more than anything, since you used to many homonyms. Remember, reread, edit, rewrite, repeat until polished Oh and about a month ago, I reviewed Darth Betrayal’s Fire Against Fire . At his request, I am doing a quick review of it again. The work still needs polishing primarily because you’re accepting criticism in a haphazard manner but there is improvement. The actions of the ‘Rebels’ in the attack cleared a lot of the problems I had mentioned with the military situation because of the sneak attack. Technical note: As much as others were appalled by the killing of the prisoners, it should be remembered that in guerilla warfare you do not have the capability to keep prisoners, and you must deny the enemy any data you may. kotorfanmedia Chapter 1: Destiny's Door Abbidon Post TSL: It is time to say goodbye… The piece caught me unawares, and that is always a good thing to my mind. I hate when I can almost tell you what is going to happen next. Well worth the read. Pick of the Week Mandalore: Deja vu All Over Again TangentialJedi After Malachor V: Mandalore considers the aftermath from a pragmatic view. The piece has the dry commentary you might expect from Canderous, detailing the frantic escape from Malachor V. His last question in it’s own way is chilling, but perfectly rational. Pick of the week Academy Sickness Tatooine92 TSL on Telos: The affects of a mind probe. The writing style is good, the additions to the standard dialogue excellent. The scene with Atton superb. Worth reading. An Exile's Exile RavenRand16 Mandalorian wars: A little back story for both the Exile and Bao-Dur. A rather simple story but the basics are good and the story interesting enough to keep reading. The idea of a Zabrak Exile was interesting. Star Wars: Reunion, Chapter 1: The Exile DarthRevan7890 2.5 years after KOTOR: Revan leaves to go in search of the greater threat, and later events lead the Exile into her confrontation which will lead to a reunion. The story is well done, the situation well defined. Worth reading. Pick of the Week. "You'd Better Mean It" Tatooine92 TSL Aboard the Ebon Hawk after Citadel station: Atton teaches Pazaak… The piece is good because we get a better look at what Atton is really like. The author makes him something more than the scoundrel he is called. Pick of the Week Duality, Chapter 1 DyrraDegan TSL After Malachor V: Resting from the climactic battle, the Exile feels something more than relaxation is in order. The story is well written, the descriptions excellent. Very good all around work. Pick of the week The Perfect Remedy Knight Pepper TSL Alternate Universe: Atton goes out of his way to teach…Pazaak? An interesting story. Since I added Sasha to KOTOR, I understand the fun involved. Worth reading and definitely amusing. Pick of the Week General, My General Firstmatespike The Mandalorian War: What if the bonds are what caused the Exile’s pain in the force? The author tackled two different difficult themes. Bao-Dur as the primary male interest, and the comment I made in my blurb above. There is some excess data before they meet, but I would make few suggestions. This is some excellent work. Pick of the Week Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted October 31, 2008 Author Share Posted October 31, 2008 As a critic I've been having a problem with the center because when they dumped the outer rim into the mix I had about a hundred (My estimate) stories that should be reviewed and haven't been. So I'm taking two weeks off to go through the entire CEC from start to finish and post one comment to each thread so I can tell where my reviews left off. Of course if someone wanted to go through them for me I wouldn't complain... Coruscant Entertainment Center Blood for Freedom Lord Spitfire Planet Taris during the Mandalorian wars: Rioting and a quiet killing presage the possibility of invasion. Some cumbersome sentences, As an example ‘A black cloak was donned over his leather suit, a dark hood casting a shadow over his face’ would have read better as ‘He had donned a black cloak over his leather suit, the hood casting a shadow over his face ‘ Fewer words, clearer picture. The only problem I saw was word usage (You used donned twice, once correctly, then again in an incorrect manner) but these are editing problems. Welcome back. Umbral Tide: Chapter III: Stories and Suspicions Tysyacha Non SW: Continuation of Umbral Tide, the companions learn more about each other as they travel on. The story is flowing nicely, the background good. I agreed with one reviewer who commented that they enjoyed the mage being a jester when young. I agree. Pick of the week. Dances with Fear LordOfTheFish No specific era: A lone Jedi Padawan struggles to survive. Not much to go on just yet. You jumped from present to past tense in the first few paragraphs. And used the wrong words (It’s ration and tired instead of tired) sometimes, but that is why I tell people to reread and edit. Let’s see more. Rift Endorenna No specific time given: The rift begins between the Jedi and what will be called the Sith. I was stunned, kid. A very interesting take on how the Sith came to be. Creating the code of the Sith there was also an interesting touch. Pick of the Week The Training of Jacen Karr – A Pupil of Vrook Lamarr Marius Fett Before the Jedi enter the Mandalorian wars: A young Jedi learns at the hands of a hard task master. My primary problem is word usage. Eminate is spelled emanate. When using measurements, try to stick with one scale so use either metric (Used through most of the books). Also, while meter and metre are both valid spellings, they are not usually considered interchangeable. It would be like calling a lightsaber a lightsabre, also proper, but not consistent together. The basics and story are very good, and made interesting reading. Pick of the Week kotorfanmedia Lucky Number Atton - 01 - There was a time Kneph No specific time given after KOTOR: An old man in a bar decides to tell his story. An interesting piece. Not much to go on but worth a look. Goodbye To You WarriorDrgnMage Some wrong words, Counsel (Advise) instead of Council. The major problems both with content and storyline have already been addressed by other reviewers. No Name Jedi Moonmythology During TSL: The Exile remembers when she had to be saved. The story is a bit disjointed, which is an editing problem nothing more. Part of the problem is while we know we will never learn the name of the Jedi who is the tormentor, I did have problems following the train of thought. It was interesting work. Keep working. Five Jedi Secrets AkroOrka During TSL: AU version of the events leading up to the Jedi Civil war While defined as AU, I liked the way it flowed. The idea that the Council made serious mistakes that actually exacerbated the situation is even better. The only one I disagreed with was that battle between the returning Jedi and the Republic, but hey, that’s just me. Pick of the Week A series of awkward moments... Griet Mutnojmet TSL aboard the Ebon Hawk: One thing can lead to another even funnier. I won’t comment on the grammar because so many other have. Having used typewriter, Wordperfect, Works for word, Word in four different incarnations and Open office, the one thing I can tell you is remember to edit by eye always. One way is use the print review in the document program for one, though AthenePrime is correct as well. That said it was a riot. The idea that Canderous got a girl, just not ‘the’ girl was fun too. Pick of the Week The Darkness Within Jenivus De Clan During the Jedi Civil War: A young girl goes on a mission that will lead to another’s redemption. The piece was compelling, giving you a very good look at what Atton was like, and the life of that girl unnamed in the story that died to redeem him. While I can see Czerka being condemned for illegal practices, claiming they ‘fund’ the Sith was a stretch, but a minor complaint. I can think of only one thing to say to show exactly how good I thought this was; Pick of the week, and best of the best for this week. Into The Void Jenivus De Clan After Malachor V: The Exile flashes back through her life, and what is to come. The piece fills in a great deal of that past, and makes me wish I had time to read every chapter. However, reviewing the sites I do does not leave me that time. A pity. Pick of the week Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Darth_Yuthura Posted October 31, 2008 Share Posted October 31, 2008 I would have commented earlier, had I the means to do so. In regards to "Descending into Revan's Shadow," I was thinking it might be more powerful for me to put the Exile's trial before the fiction "Prior to Exile." These two threads are of the same fiction, but I will have them separated into two sections when they are completed. I did notice the punctuation and grammar. I often start out with a rough copy, get feedback, and correct the grammar with whatever advice I was given. It was the result of rushing to post the story. Should I really not post something unless I intend to keep it EXACTLY as it is? Thanks. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Endorenna Posted November 1, 2008 Share Posted November 1, 2008 Thanks for the review, mach! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LordOfTheFish Posted November 1, 2008 Share Posted November 1, 2008 Thanks. I'm trying to get more done, but with school and soccer I'm struggling to find the time. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bee Hoon Posted November 1, 2008 Share Posted November 1, 2008 Should I really not post something unless I intend to keep it EXACTLY as it is? Whatever posted is the absolute final version and any amendments will result in immediate annihilation of your continent and everyone else on this world will be turned into socks Imho, it's more of wanting to present the best work possible. I find it tiresome to comb through grammar and point out every single mistake, which is why I try to smooth it out myself Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted November 2, 2008 Author Share Posted November 2, 2008 Should I really not post something unless I intend to keep it EXACTLY as it is? Thanks. No way, kid. Just do it as best you can, then post and duck. That's what I always do. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Darth_Yuthura Posted November 3, 2008 Share Posted November 3, 2008 No way, kid. Just do it as best you can, then post and duck. That's what I always do. I appreciate the answer, but if I could ask a follow-up question... I rarely leave posts alone once they are up because I prefer to act upon the feedback I receive and adjust more than just grammar if needed. If I intend to do this, then am I wasting time rewriting something before having a logical reason to make changes? Example: If I think I didn't put enough detail into a character, I would rather get feedback on what's missing than writing something that I'm not satisfied with. Would you recommend that I not leave myself open to revision or improvement, or is this way off what you meant? Thanks Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted November 3, 2008 Author Share Posted November 3, 2008 I appreciate the answer, but if I could ask a follow-up question... I rarely leave posts alone once they are up because I prefer to act upon the feedback I receive and adjust more than just grammar if needed. If I intend to do this, then am I wasting time rewriting something before having a logical reason to make changes? Example: If I think I didn't put enough detail into a character, I would rather get feedback on what's missing than writing something that I'm not satisfied with. Would you recommend that I not leave myself open to revision or improvement, or is this way off what you meant? Thanks What you do is important not for those who have already read beyond it, but for those who read afterward and your own pleasure, friend. If you wait for a reason to make changes, you can always think of reasons why you should or should not. When I wrote the Mirror of My Love, I edited it five times in three weeks, even as people read first one then another editing. What you should not do is edit for no reason. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted November 7, 2008 Author Share Posted November 7, 2008 Coruscant Entertainment Center Starship of Fools Tysyacha PreKOTOR: A bunch of teenagers and a hot ship…What do you expect to happen? I don’t know what I expected when I read the title, which is good because I knew exactly what was going to happen, every silly step of the way. An outrageous story, and worth the votes it got because I would have voted for it. Pick of the week A Graceful Exit Inyri PreKOTOR: A bounty hunt finds himself hunted. Remember that a race is a proper noun, so it is supposed to be capitalized. Just as a personal peeve, could you use word wrap? I had to cut and paste to put this in an easily readable format. A bounty is usually issued rather than instated, though I think the word you use is acceptable. The basic idea is good, and the idea that someone like Nord didn’t give a damn about the rules refreshing. A Trooper's Tale JediAthos After reformation of Jedi Order: The story of one of the Jedi during the war, and the aftermath of Order 66. JA, what can I say? Repaying someone for their own actions is excellent. Pick of the Week No Rules For Gods Sabretooth No specific time given: On Nar Shaddaa a Bounty Hunter learns the rules, and remembers how they applied in his life. The story is interesting, and the vignettes attached to each rule fun. Keep it up. In The Head Bee Hoon Aboard the Ebon Hawk during TSL: You broke my droid! I read this and almost giggled. Atton breaking T3 for that? Outrageous! Pick of the week. The Black Visor CommanderQ Some improper wording, has instead of had, there instead of their. The biggest problem is forgetting conversation breaks and proper paragraphs. Remember that a paragraph is supposed to convey one entire idea. The basics when properly edited will be good. kotorfanmedia Dark Side Male Revan Bad Blood Lord Zeuss KOTOR at the swoop race on Taris: There are always two sides to every story… The piece is well written, with an amusing flow and an even more fun twist at the end. Worth the read. Pick of the Week. Threads Of Darkness Part 1 Lord Zeuss KOTOR aboard Ebon Hawk after Kashyyk: The capture of Ebon Hawk by the Leviathan. The deterioration of the fellowship is clear here, and the canalization of ideals defined by both Bastila and Revan are very well done. Confessions Shinee TSL on Nar Shaddaa: Atton’s Revelation The writer is not a native English speaker, and I noticed some minor problems that are unimportant beyond remembering to edit. The work is excellent because the automatically ‘good’ Jedi thing to do is to forgive him and her rejection of that is very well done. Once She's Gone (Chapter One) Revans Pet Duck Post TSL: Word of the Exile reaches the new Jedi Council. The story is intriguing primarily because it give us insights into Bao-Dur that are not usually displayed. The constant denial of any caring feeling for her highlights it. Good Work Jedi Ex Machina Jalana Post TSL: When in doubt, fake it. The piece was amusing with a scouting mission going wrong and that is just the start. Worth reading just for the last line. The Final Battle Griet Mutnojmet TSL Fighting Sion on Malachor V: What must Sion do for love? The piece is poignant. As much as other were appalled, I was reminded of the Hunchback of Notre Dame, I feel for the one considered repugnant who yearns for the beauty. Pick of the Week. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bee Hoon Posted November 7, 2008 Share Posted November 7, 2008 In his defense, it wasn't intentional! Almost giggled? I must do better in the future >:3 Thanks for the review Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CommanderQ Posted November 7, 2008 Share Posted November 7, 2008 Thank you for the review, Machievelli. I'll learn from these mistakes. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chevron 7 locke Posted November 9, 2008 Share Posted November 9, 2008 Can you review my story also? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted November 14, 2008 Author Share Posted November 14, 2008 Coruscant Entertainment Center Cause for Celebration Mr. BFA After the Climactic battle in KOTOR: A drunken Revan did what? The piece was light and fun, though predictable (Don’t feel too bad, kid; I hate it when professionals do something I know they are going to do) but the last three paragraphs caused me to grin because I didn’t expect lightning to strike twice! A Galaxy in Time TriggerGod Starting in PreKOTOR times: The Star Forge and Revan are thrown into the future. The piece has problems with pacing primarily. Things happen way too fast from start to finish. Smooth it down, edit and try to make it both longer and smoother in the transitions between scenes. The basics are good, though I would have to define it as AU. The reasons are given below. Technical: The biggest problem with time travel stories is if you take some thing major (The Star Forge, USS Nimitz as in the Final Countdown) you can drastically change what will or did happen. As an example, the captain of USS Nimitz in Final Countdown was worried because the ship’s air wing by themselves could have easily destroyed the entire fleet attacking pearl harbor. Not just most of them, all of them. Then they could have done the same for the entire Japanese navy of 1941. By the same token, take that example in reverse, as they did in ‘Yesterday’s Enterprise’. A ship goes forward, and the universe changes, now the galaxy is at war, a war that would not have happened if the other Enterprise had stood and fought. But you will notice the only one who noticed the change was Guinan. There would have been history that the Sith Empire then collapsed for reasons unknown. Not that it had suddenly returned. Umbral Tide: Chapter IV: The Root of the Problem Tysyacha Non SW Fiction: A possible answer for what is happening. The piece is good, the animosity between the Elven clans well done and at the same time, the reasoning behind it well challenged. Keep uo the good work. Pick of the Week Star Wars Legacy: The Haunted House SkywalkerRules The piece is relatively well done. My only complaint is it is too much like a typical Halloween house of horrors. I wrote an article now in the Expert’s forum ( The Expert’s forum post 118 concerning it. Vengeance Astor Kaine Non SW: A young boy trains and dreams. The basics are good, as is the characterization. My only question is how much training the boy had undertaken, since from the clues I would assume he had never held a sword before. Girls night out. Chevron 7 Locke TSL at Citadel Station: A girl’s night out leads to… I thought it was interesting from the start. Two people who are sudden death on two feet getting into a drunken bar fight, then escaping it. The ending made me want to laugh, because I’m picturing two people finding a bunch of kid’s rings (Usually made from plastic mind) waking up with a kid’s ring on, thinking they did get married… My question is this, did they actually get married or do they only think they got married? Pick of the week kotorfanmedia The Necessary Evil - Chapter 1 Ana Christina Beginning of KOTOR: The beginning of the adventure seen from the point of view of the main characters. Watch out for homonyms (Troupe usually used for actors instead of troops, meaning soldiers) The backstory sections were excellent as were all but one of the segues, which I addressed below in technical notes. Technical notes: First, you’ve made the crew of Endar Spire look either green or incredibly stupid allowing an enemy fleet and fighter squadron to lurk up on them. It happens, but after all of the war the Republic had been in unlikely. My suggestion would be something they could have used for cover, a moon or magnetic anomaly that hid them until too late. Melee is merely a type of battle where the enemy is too close to shoot usually, and includes bayonets, knives, entrenching tools, your hands even rocks. Remember that there is no such thing as a ‘melee’ class. In the Army they call it hand to hand or knife fighting. All in all the story is well worth the read, and your characterizations made it even better. Pick of the Week Arkana's Story Vinasu Post TSL: The search for lost Jedi finds something unexpected Except for the one comment already addressed by someone else I have only one thing to say; remember to edit and polish. There are points where the story could use that. That being said, the work is outstanding. The back story both of the woman they were looking for and Atton’s past is so well done I can visualize it as if it is happening. Worth reading more than once. I wish I had time to read everything that follows. Pick of the Week. Lies MoonMythology TSL On Dantooine: An explanation about lies from someone very good at them… I have to agree, for someone to whom English is a foreign language, it is excellent. The basics are good, the story line well laid out. The discussion about how to lie is so well done I didn’t even notice any deficiency. Pick of the Week. The Disciple Part I CelloTlix TSL on Dantooine: The Disciple remembers… The biggest problem you’re having is jumping tenses, past to present and back again. You also have the tendency to forget conversation breaks when the speaker changes. Both are editing problems, easily corrected. The basics are good and having the Disciple not only as a main character, but also one that we can care about is interesting. The Sky Was Full Of Stars Ildera TSL on Dantooine: The Exile considers her past and her dreams. The piece did tend to get disjointed, but that was because you had a character who seemed to have no grasp of mathematics yet was trying to keep the game going anyway. The background was good though. Second Impression Ildera TSL On Peragus: An old reunion… even of only one of them remembers The story is well laid out, the background from Atton’s view even better. Pick of the Week. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SkywalkerRules Posted November 16, 2008 Share Posted November 16, 2008 I read the article you wrote, machievelli. Thanks for pointing that out. Glad you enjoyed the fic too! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The_Catto Posted November 16, 2008 Share Posted November 16, 2008 I wanted a slightly predictable ending You hear of these kind of stories and they always end the same. But I don't think that I have seen a similar story where, as you said, expected lightning to strike twice! Cheers for the review Mach. As always Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted November 21, 2008 Author Share Posted November 21, 2008 Coruscant Entertainment Center Whisper on the Wind Litofsky Set Before Phantom Menace: A Jedi must take on a new Padawan at the same time that he also accepts a new mission The writing style is good. However in this sentence ‘The High Council requires your presence at during the next meeting, Jordan.’ the at was unnecessary. The intro is good, and there is enough to keep the reader going. Keep it up. The Last Line CommanderQ Non-SW: In an Alternate Universe, the Invasion of the US begins The basics need a little work, but it is going well. Technical notes: Since it’s alternate history should I mention that Russia wasn’t invaded until 22 June 1941 in Operation Barbarossa? Second, Historically military budgets are raised under Republican Presidents, and reduced when Democrats are in charge. The US actually had to borrow rifles from the English to arm the first troops going to France in 1917, and used a French made machinegun for the first 11 months. The US Army didn’t start it’s build up to WWII until 1939 right after the Czechs fell. We started that war with ‘modern’ equipment that was five to ten years old, and the new weapons (Garand Rifle and the Corsair for example) had been stonewalled by politicians spending money on social programs until then. Once that war was over the government couldn’t get out of armaments fast enough. When Korea began we were caught flat footed again. As soon as the Berlin Wall came down the Democrats in Congress began raiding the military’s budget for the ‘peace dividend’ they needed to fund more social programs. Third: I could see us sitting out the war until Japan attacked us. But not from that point on. I would have suggested you have the Japanese negotiate the occupation of the Philippines and Guam, which would have given them the victory you describe while allowing the lackluster presidents their own petty victories. Fourth: A president can suggest a treaty, but it has to be ratified by the Congress. Having them send the peace treaty and prepare to invade literally the same day is a good move but even if the President said yes today, it would take a day or more for Congress to vote on it. The fastest vote of that kind in history was the Declaration against Japan, with the vote to go to war in Iraq a close second. Umbral Tide: Chapter V: Night Attack! Tysyacha Fifth chapter of the series: An attack strikes down one member of the party. The piece flowed well and while I agreed with JM12 about the last portion, I still think you did a great job. Pick of the week Star Wars The Old Republic Tayra 300 years after the destruction of the Jedi Temple on Dantooine: Raiders enter the old enclave, and find death I think JM12 did a good job of pointing out all of the obvious problems with the work. Remember that a story teller must create the scenes, the characters, the situation, and create in the reader’s mind a picture. If you were trying to create a script form, you have to remember that while dialogue is done in this style you still have paragraphs of description. To show you what I mean I’ll use my own Script (About Last Knight, an Airplane Style medieval comedy) Moose, the biggest of the three moves forward. The others laugh, but stop laughing and spin around when someone behind them speaks. Scion(V.O.) No one touches her! Cut to: Alleyway. Scion, a well-muscled man in a full faced mask, stands cutting off the brigands' retreat. Scion If you want some excitement, fight me! Cut to: Side view, Brigands. They draw short swords from sheaths, and brandish them menacingly. Cut to: Scion looks as if bored with the whole thing. He draws his sword, (something larger than normal, but smaller that Conan's broadsword), the same one seen when he was a boy in mud, and holds it negligently at his side. The Angelic chorus sings. Cut to Brigands. They look surprised and worried, looking around for the chorus. Brigand #2 Hey! Wait a minute! Why is his sword so much bigger than ours? Cut to: Medium CU, Scion. He raises sword between his face and Camera. Scion Everything I have, I inherited from my father. Cut to: medium shot, Brigands. #1, obviously the leader, snorts. Brigand #1(Waves hand) Hey, guys, you remember what they always say about guys that carry Big weapons! Brigands all snicker at that. Then, with a shout, they attack. There are several cuts and shots, and the one thing that can be verified, is that the Brigands are no match for Scion. Behind Scion, a window opens. See What I mean? One question merely out of curiosity; Why did the character use a plasma torch to pound on the door instead of cutting it? Not bad for a 14 year old first attempt. The Search Da Man Post TSL: The Ebon Hawk and her crew finally find Revan The work is good except for the problems addressed by LOTF and two other things. First remember conversation breaks. The second sentence LOTF earmarked should have been two; one when Catrina spoke, again when Carth did. The other is technical; you see a tracking device such as you described would be next to worthless, since as an example they could have landed in Kansas and had Revan hiding in Nepal. I would have suggested one with a limited range, say ten to 20 light minutes. Meaning you could skate through all of the planets in the Republic before coming close enough to detect the signal, which would barely reach beyond the inner solar system. Such a signal from earth would be detectable only out to just inside the orbit of Jupiter. The work is good enough to look at as it continues. Pick of the Week kotorfanmedia The Best Laid Plans of the Force and Men Peedunky Post TSL: Together again, but the reunion is nothing like they had planned… The first paragraph should have been two or perhaps 3. This is an editing problem, easily corrected. That being said, the basis of the story, the conflict caused by one person’s memory and the other person’s lack of those memories is a well thought out premise. I had always wondered what was on the Council’s mind when they erased Revan and replaced that memory with a fabrication. Did they honestly think Revan would never meet someone from before? Excellent premise, excellent story. Pick of the Week. When I Am Laid In Earth - Part One Kian TSL on Malachor V: With Kreia dead, the Exile ponders what to do next. The piece is a bit of darkness in a woman’s soul that makes so much sense it is frightening. The byplay; wondering if Revan is acting as a puppet master makes the entire mission that must follow, finding Revan, a possible forlorn hope. Excellent work Pick of the Week Not Her Lady Tragic No specific section of TSL given: Atton in an aside tells Mical that he is wrong in who he loves. I sat for almost a minute after reading this because Atton’s argument is perfect. Mical is (according to the author) in love with the ideal of who the Exile is. Like falling in love with a picture rather than the person. Atton on the other hand sees her soul, sees her way of dealing with life, and it resonates within him. He is in love with her, Mical with the image of her. With that difference, we know who will win her heart. Pick of the Week It Always Rains on Dxun JediDWH PreTSL not long after the Exile’s sentencing: On Dxun The Exile considers the bleak years ahead. The author covered a period we usually don’t see, the direct aftermath of the exiling. I was stunned by the way this story went; I waited until almost a year later when I wrote ‘Return From Exile’ my own novel length piece. Excellent! Pick of the Week Nar Shaddaa Night Life Lord Zeuss TSL on Nar Shaddaa: A desperate chase through the streets of the smuggler’s moon. The story is interesting primarily because of the venue of the action, but also that we see a part of the Exile’s life we don’t see, her past without the Force. The scene is well set, the action truncated but well done regardless. The end is perfect, because the Exile steps back into her old persona and will not soil who she has become again with it. According to the author this is the first work All I have to say is; Pick of the Week The Broken One and The Assassin Part 1 Triple E No specific part of TSL given: The Exile reveals part of her past to Atton There are a lot of times when I see someone’s reviews and they proceed to tear the kid apart. Usually without even bothering to say what they had done wrong. You’ve all heard the old saw ‘those who can do, those who can’t become critics‘. When I began as the critic over at Lucasforums and Starwarsknights back in 2005 I felt everyone I reviewed deserved better. You see regardless of your credentials, if all you are doing is tearing them down about how incompetent they are, you are part of the problem, not part of the solution. As a person who as a young man got a scathing review from someone I respected I know how much than can hurt, especially if the person doing it doesn’t even bother to tell you why you’re so incompetent. Freesourceful did such an excellent review of everything that I honestly can’t think of anything else to say except for this; Pick of the Week The Shadows of the Old Republic Marloff Eight years after TSL: An ancient ship with a mystery arrives as the Exile returns. As I commented above, I am glad that people with such acumen have been here before. Both Kiraboros, whom I have dealt with personally, and Freesourceful whom I have yet to interact with directly both gave the advice I would have. Their advice is excellent and cogent. The story has a ways to go but I expect more and better! Pick of the Week Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CommanderQ Posted November 21, 2008 Share Posted November 21, 2008 Thanks, Mach! I'll definately take your advice and make my story more accurate! Thanks for the corrections and critisism. It'll definately help! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted November 22, 2008 Author Share Posted November 22, 2008 for all who see the swell of the ancient stories, when they took the Outer Rim and merged it with CEC I found that something like a hundred stories were dumped here, all unreviewed. What I am doing is every day or so I am going back, verifying I have reviewed it, and marking them, so I can see by which are marked as worthy of my attention Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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