machievelli Posted November 28, 2008 Author Share Posted November 28, 2008 Coruscant Entertainment Center The Diaries of Johann Abernathy Adavardes Non SW Fiction: A revolution begins with a single word… Some missing words. For example ‘was no singular than’ should be ‘no more singular’ suggesting no different. The basics are bland, but that fits with the style of your character. The primary problem I have is not with anything of the story beyond one thing… At what point does ‘social’ good end and ‘personal’ good begin? Welcome to the Forum The Old Republic: Queen of Hearts Mshcherbatskaya In interim between KOTOR and TSL: A Sith comes to the Jedi with an interesting proposal. The piece is well written, and surprisingly, a collaborative effort. I was primarily surprised by this not because it was, but the editor made it an almost seamless effort. The story is well considered, the basics well laid out and edited. As for violations of canon I didn’t see anything specific. The period is still relatively unformed. Welcome to the forum Pick of the week. The Return Revan Skywalker PostTSL: Fresh from their battle at Malachor V, the Ebon Hawk and her crew go in search of Revan. The piece gives us a good look at the situation though there is no explanation about the comment that T3 seemed to have blocked the nav-computer. The pacing could be improved, but that just might be Rev7 and myself. Welcome back Umbral Tide: Chapter VI: A Plan Regarding Poison Tysyacha Continuation of Umbral Tide: Riddles and spells must be done quickly. The writing is good as always, Tys. The only thing you didn’t do that I had anticipated was having all of her compatriots put some of their energy into it; which would explain the 3 tenths. As for why they didn’t bother to ask Yradne, that makes perfect sense. If you had been taught your entire life that a certain nationality race or religion were automatically evil, why ask them for benign assistance? Pick of the Week kotorfanmedia Relentless Intolerance Lord Zeuss Pre TSL during the Exile’s trial before the Council: The anger of the Exile burns all, including her. The piece does not follow the trial before the council and that is too the good. The defense, that she and the Jedi that had gone to war to uphold rather than deny the Jedi beliefs was perfectly portrayed. The primary addition, throwing her primary weapon away and using a secondary weapon for her point was an interesting twist. Pick of the Week The Will To Continue Lord Zeuss Two years before TSL: The Exile learns the meaning of suffering, and how to deal with it. The piece is outstanding primarily because it is so stark and brutal. Her reaction is not as a Jedi, but as a person throwing away the strings that still bound her even after the puppet master had set them aside. Pick of the Week. Grrrr . . . Atton! Adylin TSL on Dxun: Atton takes a practical joke a bit too far. The piece made me smile, and having it end not with one of Atton’s jokes but one from the Exile made it even more amusing. Pick of the Week. Dance Dance Revelation Mshcherbatskaya TSL on Nar Shaddaa: She may be attractive fit and a stark warrior, but the Exile isn’t good at everything… The piece surprised me then caused me to chuckle. You would think an athletic person could dance, but I could picture the scene and after watching the dancing scenes they have in the games, shudder. Having Atton do the same after a few drinks was almost as funny. Pick of the Week Escaping the Past - Chapter 1 Qt314159 Seven months after the battle of Malachor V: With nothing better to do, the Exile discovers a new use for old skills. The piece was intriguing because of the use of the skills she did have, weapons training, and converting it to dance. Well worth reading; including the byplay between her and her arms supplier. Pick of the Week. An Exile: Chapter One jessimaster123 Several months post TSL: The Exile finds the planet Revan is on, and some of her students. Some homonym and wrong word problems. Knew instead of new, here instead of hear, whore instead of wore. Remember to smooth out the work a bit too. Nothing that can’t be cured by editing. Source Undefined - Chapter 1 Atlas 20 plus years after TSL: A mother reveals a secret to her child The writing style is good, the story well wrought. I enjoyed it immensely Technical: A Christian name is a given name, like your own first name, usually not given until a child was baptized back in the Early Christian days. However the term implies a connection to a religion that has nothing to do with the Star Wars Galaxy. Sorry my Canon Monster sticking his head out. Ten, Chapter One Dyrradegan Ten Years after Malachor V: As the Jedi reform, politics rears it’s ugly head, and the Exile must hurry to help an old friend. The piece is well done, the growth of the characters defined and their new roles clear. Another of those I wish I had time to read on. Pick of the Week Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted December 5, 2008 Author Share Posted December 5, 2008 Coruscant Entertainment Center As I have been commenting for the last few months, I have had problems keeping track because the site lists by last comment. I found the link to shift it by when it was first posted, and have been going back and commenting on each, a simple ‘read’ so I don’t repeat myself. I reached page 20, and found this one, which has been languishing for almost three years… The Destruction of the Sith JediKnight707 19 years Post TSL: First love and first Padawan Sorry I took so long, but here goes… The piece flows a little rocky at the start but once it gets past that it runs pretty well. Since I had not played TSL until almost a year later, most of the characters would have been just characters to me before, now they were people I understood and could relate to. The idea of two people in love being allowed to work together was fun, but having them secretly in love with each other (and not knowing it) made it even more fun. Pick of the week Unification Litofsky No specific period given: A revolution succeeds The basics are good, the story intriguing on a political level. Characterization is not too shabby, but the two main characters need filling out a bit. The flow is a bit off, but that is a polishing problem. Rebellion Kado Sunrider No specific period given: A bounty hunter goes after his target Some word usage problems, dinner instead of diner, but you probably meant restaurant from the context. The flow is good and the comments made by others will help a lot. Technical note: A professional gunman doesn’t put the gun against your body, primarily because human reaction time on the average gives the initiator a tenth of a second advantage. I could have accepted the scene if he had been standing, but not seated. All in all a good first attempt. Welcome to the forum. Play/Screenplay: Bond 23 (Scene 1) Tysyacha Non SW: An intro into a Bond movie… An interesting scene, though the action began on the wrong foot in my mind. Using the snapshots to tell us who was who worked well. I like the new ‘Bond Girl’. Pick of the Week Star Wars: Dark Shadows Hayden Kered No specific time given: The nightmares begin The piece does have good descriptive phrases. However by definition, an arch is not square, though you can have a squared arch. McLaine, Town Marshal Astor Kaine NonSW: A Marshall in the old west around his duties. The story is well done, the use of proper weapon’s terminology, such as period guns made it almost perfect. The only thing I can think of is you didn’t set the period clearly. You have weapons proper from 1870 to 1900, but then say the marshall is paid 5 dollars a day, which is a pay scale closer to the 1920s. Also, Marshall is an assigned or hired state or Federal post while Sheriff is a local paid position in that time. Pick of the Week kotorfanmedia Slow Dancing Tatooine92 KOTOR on Manaan Sometimes you have to take a break. Tat, it’s been a long time, but you haven’t lost your touch. The piece is not only well written, but it flowed perfectly. As other have commented, life even in an adventure novel is not all run from here to there and fight. It is cleaning up, cooking, and making sure you have what you need to do the cooking. A well done slice of life. Pick of the Week Rain Firedancer TSL on Nar Shaddaa: As a storm prepares to break, the Exile reminisces about the choices she made that brought her there. The story is well done, with just the right amount of angst and introspection. The scene in front of the council while not the basic story was even better done. In my own work her decision was based on doing what she had been taught, not as she was being told, and your work portrays the same idea very well. Pick of the Week Pursuit: Chapter 1 MaryJivinJane Two Years after TSL: Atton follows the Exile’s last instructions and discovers more than he bargained for… The piece is excellent work, the lead in a bit abbreviated, but that has already been addressed. The set up of the fallback plan was masterfully done, and the back story just as well portrayed. Pick of the Week Wounded Jedi, Chapter 1 Darth Ruination One week after Malachor V: The Exile receives a warning through the Force and must make her decisions now. The basics are good, though you used a wrong word; ‘I'm one of the few people who do‘ should be does and Koonda as a place is a proper noun and is therefore capitalized. That being said the story was well paced, and the food fight outrageous, especially when your Exile commented that she had stood there through the entire thing with the ‘I’m not your mother’ comment to go with it. Pick of the Week Desperate Times, Desperate Measures Lord Zeuss Extended version of the Peragus portion of TSL: The Exile and her companions fight for their lives The story line is a well done extension of the basic scene though it has a lot of elements from the game that did detract from the flow. The last section with the chemical weapon and it’s explanation was very well done. Triptych Chapter 1, Out Of Nothing Lord Zeuss Post TSL: The galaxy prepares for the final confrontation. The piece flows at a breakneck pace, making you keep track of several balls like a juggler. This is one of those I wish I had time to read to the end. Pick of the Week Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Litofsky Posted December 5, 2008 Share Posted December 5, 2008 Thanks for the review, Mach. When you say "the flow is a bit off," what do you mean, specifically? Is it that I almost 'disconnected' the story, and moved from one idea to another? At any rate, thanks for reading. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted December 5, 2008 Author Share Posted December 5, 2008 Thanks for the review, Mach. When you say "the flow is a bit off," what do you mean, specifically? Is it that I almost 'disconnected' the story, and moved from one idea to another? At any rate, thanks for reading. That was a pretty good description. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Astor Posted December 5, 2008 Share Posted December 5, 2008 McLaine, Town Marshal Astor Kaine NonSW: A Marshall in the old west around his duties. The story is well done, the use of proper weapon’s terminology, such as period guns made it almost perfect. I've got a LOT of books and experience with the relevant weapons - i've even got a few replicas - Colt SAAs (Peacemakers), Colt Navy, an 1892 Winchester, and a Volcanic Pistol (a smaller version of the Volcanic Rifle, which lead to the Henry, and then the Winchester). The only thing I can think of is you didn’t set the period clearly. You have weapons proper from 1870 to 1900, but then say the marshall is paid 5 dollars a day, which is a pay scale closer to the 1920s. For the record, it's set around 1882 - i'll adjust the pay scale to something more suitable later on (2 dollars seems about right). Also, Marshall is an assigned or hired state or Federal post while Sheriff is a local paid position in that time. I've always found a bit of confusion with the two terms - the research i've found is that in some places, the two terms were used interchangeably, which would also cause some problems when dealing with Federal Marshals. If I recall, it's just the title that uses 'Marshal', and 'Sheriff' in the rest of it, but i'll have a look through and make any changes. Thanks for the review! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted December 12, 2008 Author Share Posted December 12, 2008 I am taking next week off primarily because a friend I haven’t seen in 26 years is coming into town. Coruscant Entertainment Center Now and Again Chevron Locke Naruto universe: When a loved one dies, a warrior loses control. One problem is the word is rogue (Bad guy) instead of rouge (a face coloring). Remember conversation breaks. The death scene would have been three paragraphs with conversation breaks. The basics are good, the switch more logical than Anakin Skywalker’s in Return of the Jedi. Well done. Pick of the week. The Devil Within Mr. BFA TSL on Malachor V: A dark side Exile plans his future. Bee Hoon, you did a good job of reviewing; so good I have nothing to say beyond that. Mr. BFA, the only thing I can say is that I liked the characterization and introspection. Pick of the Week Exodus Kado Sunrider Post TSL: Dream or vision? The work needs some polishing, but few have impressed me with the ease of their work. The battle was done well, but that is where the polishing is needed. As for the entire work… Pick of the week kotorfanmedia Love Crystal001 KOTOR after Korriban; sequel to A Cathar, a Captain, and a Former Sith Lord reviewed last Nov: A broken heart reaches out when love is offered. If you have not read the work above, you will not understand the nuances of this one. Every one know about the ‘rebound’ effect in romance, this is an excellent one primarily because our Revan hasn’t given up on men entirely, she’s trying to find a way to fit one in as it were. Pick of the Week Right Here With Me Bmjewell Ten years after TSL: The Exile prepares fpr the next step in her life. The piece started fluffy but became serious after less than a page. The way the subject was brought into the story and handled was masterful. It was a compelling read. Pick of the Week. The General Lord Zeuss PreKOTOR: The person who would eventually become the Exile on an average day. Many have already reviewed this, and the only comment I would have that has not been addressed in the last. I believe what Mbuki.Mvuki meant was the flow was a bit off, jumping from scene to scene in a way that was not organic to the work. Nothing major, barely noticeable in fact I had to reread it to notice what was commented on. The scenes were well done, the subject smoothly portrayed. Pick of the Week Honour Shinee PreKOTOR: The great General before she became great, seen through the eyes of one of her followers. The subject matter was well handled, the scenes clearly cut. I enjoyed not only the method of the portrayal, but it’s subject immensely. Pick of the Week Knights of the Old Republic: Episode 1 The Prodigal Knight-Chapter 1 Chrissy Misha PreKOTOR: The birth of Revan The period is little done, so you’ve broken some new ground here. The only jarring note is the discussion between the Masters suggesting the same discussion in the Phantom Menace. A minor quirk that bothered me but did not detract from the work. Sun and Moon, Chapter 1: Another Kind of Trouble Dove-Feathered Raven TSL from Peragus enroute to Telos: The meeting and first day between the Exile and Atton. What can I say? The story flows well, and every comment I could make as a Critic has already been said except for one… Pick of the Week Hidden Chapter One Muhnemma TSL on Dantooine: Atton worries about the Exile The piece flows well, even though the first part was jarring in comparison. I enjoyed the read, and it’s another one I wish I could read all the way to the end. Pick of the Week In search of the Unknown regions- part 1 Pippogol Post TSL: The members of both Ebon Hawk crews will get together to find their missing friends. The others above have given good critiques, even Lord Valentai. Every really good book you’ve ever read was not written. In the words of Ted White, they are rewritten. No matter how great an author is, they all go through the same agonizing process of rereading editing, rewriting and polishing. Outside criticism is the biggest help in the process, because you’re always too close to the center. What I Can't Tell You A-Tarkheena Post TSL: As the Exile departs to follow Revan, she wishes she could tell Atton one thing. The piece flows well, the subject explaining a lot about why she forgave Atton on Nar Shaddaa among other things. I’m wishing it wasn’t a one shot, because I would like to see where it goes from here. Pick of the Week Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Litofsky Posted December 12, 2008 Share Posted December 12, 2008 Enjoy seeing your friend, Mach, and enjoy your week off! (gets back to working on Unification) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chevron 7 locke Posted December 12, 2008 Share Posted December 12, 2008 Have fun! *Starts the next chapter of Now and Again* Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LordOfTheFish Posted December 12, 2008 Share Posted December 12, 2008 Have a good week off Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CommanderQ Posted December 12, 2008 Share Posted December 12, 2008 Have a good one, Mach! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lady Tragic Posted December 13, 2008 Share Posted December 13, 2008 Coruscant Entertainment Center Pick of the Week Not Her Lady Tragic No specific section of TSL given: Atton in an aside tells Mical that he is wrong in who he loves. I sat for almost a minute after reading this because Atton’s argument is perfect. Mical is (according to the author) in love with the ideal of who the Exile is. Like falling in love with a picture rather than the person. Atton on the other hand sees her soul, sees her way of dealing with life, and it resonates within him. He is in love with her, Mical with the image of her. With that difference, we know who will win her heart. I just saw this today- Thank you so much! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted December 14, 2008 Author Share Posted December 14, 2008 I just saw this today- Thank you so much! Your welcome. Thank you for writing it; I enjoyed it immensely. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The_Catto Posted December 16, 2008 Share Posted December 16, 2008 Cheer's for the review Mach. As always Have a great week Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted December 26, 2008 Author Share Posted December 26, 2008 My company has this habit of ‘removing’ additional hours of vacation time if you have too many. They intended to make 40 hours of my vacation time disappear on the 1st of Dec, so to avoid losing that five days, I’m taking a week off from work. So I will be spending the next 9 days doing what I like to do… eat, drink, write… And on four of those days, reviewing your work. The most recent Jayvar’s challenge is holidays. One reason I do not like this theme is simple and is mentioned below. If you read my reviews starting in January of 2007, you will notice I dinged stories of this type, and praised them when they used the rule I did suggest. One about a Telosian holiday won high praise by tweaking Halloween into something like but unlike it. So do not take my comments as ‘this is horrible’, only A general note for this week and next week were addressed in this post made back in 2008 regarding holidays: The basic idea has problems, which I addressed back in 2007 at Lucasforums The Expert’s forum post 118. For those who don’t want to read the post, stories of Christmas Halloween St Valentine’s day etc violate the canon ‘a long time ago, in a galaxy far far away’ because two of them (You guess) were old pagan holidays with the serial numbers filed off. All of them by the names they have are less than 600 years old. You can use the spirits of the holidays but a lot of the trappings are too obvious. Coruscant Entertainment Center Diaries of a Jedi The Doctor At the start of the Mandalorian wars, a Jedi begins recording what is happening. Posted March 2006, missed by an earlier review. Mea Culpa. Problems with word usage (quite instead of quiet), but up to the Doctor’s standards. The diary style is good and abrupt, as diaries usually are. Belated Pick of the week chaper 2. Mira's vision Cdunshee Post TSL: A desperate plan is hatched to stop the Jedi purge of 4 millennia later. Posted March 2006, missed by an earlier review. Mea Culpa. The story is flowing well and my only complaint is technical. Technical notes: The problem with a time travel machine are manifold, though you have avoided the most obvious, of traveling backwards. But it is also a precision device, requiring something more that ‘4,000 years that away’. You could actually end up arriving long after the event, or long before. What could they do if they showed up say ten years before Anakin was born? Or after the battle of Yavin? The End of the Beginning. Lordofthefish Set in the DC comics universe: The Batman contemplates his hanging. Most of the stuff that can be said has. I promised to do a beta read, and it will be late, but I will go through it for you later today or tomorrow. The basic idea might be good not on this but a follow-on. The primary defense the super heroes have is their anonymity. How many suits for damages, injury, etc can be leveled when you know who they are? Keep You Away Mr. BFA No genre beyond basic fiction: Sometime friendship requires stopping a friend from making a big mistake. The story flows well, but the issue, why the fight was going to happen, was delayed a bit for me. But that is just me. Pick of the Week Savior Chevron 7 Locke Set in the Naruto universe: Missing words, (why were you kissing) You also forgot conversation breaks. Remember to break it up when you change speaker. The story is flowing well, and what interests me is it’s turning like the book Lightning by Dean Koontz, or my own Penelope’s Tapestry. You change history and something almost as bad happens that you may have to correct. Pick of the Week Christmas on the Ebon Hawk Chevron 7 Locke KOTOR, no specific section given: Pranks and Christmas just seem to go along… The piece needs some editing, but beyond that was pretty good. I mentioned it because you had Bastila revive (Bring back to life) a gift rather than receive it. In the fact the only other negative I can actually mention is a grenade was a bit much. Maybe a smaller charge? Making the ‘punishment’ fit the crimes was great, and having Juhani first upset, then playing with the squeaky toy reminds me of a scene from Terry Pritchett’s ‘Making Money’ where a character who is a werewolf has the same problem with a dog’s toy. Pick of the Week kotorfanmedia A Captain, A Cathar, and a Former Sith Lord Revisited Crystal001 KOTOR enroute to Korriban: Revan is split between her two loves, the one in her heart, and the one in her bed… The piece is perfect, Crystal, that’s all I can say. The angst of wanting and having at the same time was so well done I had no problem with disbelief. It is rare that I review following segments of someone’s work here at Kotorfanmedia. Primarily it is because the site is so prolific that if I did I would not have completed even one of the sections yet. I am now on my third and soon to be fourth, so my reasoning is sound. But Crystal001, by titling in a manner (And posting over a time as well) has allowed me to review three pieces back to back, and all I can say is Wow! I just wish I had chance to read the entire thing. Of course, if Crystal001 keeps titling as they have been, maybe I will have that chance. Pick of the Week Beast Taming: A Note to the Next Ruler of Onderon Moonmythology Post TSL: Looking back on her life, Queen Talia has written advice for her successors. Some odd sentences ‘I think this I had led Vaklu’ didn’t make sense but might have worded I think this is what led Vaklu. This is an editing problem easily corrected. The story is well done, the basis, comparing herself to a wild animal tamed easy to follow and well conceived. Pick of the Week. Truth Moonmythology TSL Sequel to Lies: Will the truth set you free or imprison you? The same problem with sentence structure mentioned above but others have addressed it I will not comment on it. The idea is good, especially following after Lies. It is a good balance. Pick of the Week. The Norm for a Scoundrel A-Karkheena Aboard the Ebon Hawk after Korriban: After asking the wrong question, Atton considers what his life has become. The premise is good, and the work only needs some smoothing to make it better. I like the take on Atton, and how she gets him under his skin. Excellent work. Pick of the Week We've Met Before Amber Penglass PostKOTOR : Two people meet in a bar, but who exactly are they? It should have been refused a glass rather than denied. Everything I saw wrong with this was just not rereading and editing. The story itself flowed well, and the idea that the main characters had met and don’t realize it was well done. Pick of the Week Vigilance Kneph TSL on Dxun right after Onderon: The only enemy you can never defeat… The story flowed well, the vision of fighting everything you have ever faced, and still losing because you failed in small ways was well portrayed, the feeling both between Atton and the Exile made you wonder how much she had ever shown before. Pick of the Week. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Doctor Posted December 29, 2008 Share Posted December 29, 2008 Thanks, Mach. I've been considering a re-write on DoaJ, and I think I'll add it to the list. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LordOfTheFish Posted December 31, 2008 Share Posted December 31, 2008 Thank you, Mach. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
vanir Posted January 1, 2009 Share Posted January 1, 2009 I've always found a bit of confusion with the two terms - the research i've found is that in some places, the two terms were used interchangeably, which would also cause some problems when dealing with Federal Marshals. If I recall, it's just the title that uses 'Marshal', and 'Sheriff' in the rest of it, but i'll have a look through and make any changes. In mediaeval England where the title originated, the Sheriff was an agent of the monarchy though not a member of nobility. Probably filled a space created by the evolution of the bourgeoisie social classes (non-aristocratic land owners for example). Previously aristocratic rank defined both wealth and legal authority. I think within the Holy Roman Empire a Sheriff was an agent of the Church (ie. the Inquisitorium). In fact you might consider generally a Sheriff as an agent of the Church, as under the English system the monarch is the head of the Church instead of a Pope. To generalise in practise, compared to the US system a Sheriff would fall somewhere between a Federal Marshal and town Sheriff, since typically they were responsible for the King's interests (ie. rule of law) within their home town, whilst aristocrats ruled from forts and were more concerned with their own interests. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted January 2, 2009 Author Share Posted January 2, 2009 Coruscant Entertainment Center Star Wars: Realms of Honor JediMaster12 after Heart of the Guardian and before Heart of Deception: The Force moves in mysterious ways. The basics are good, the set up for the battle interesting in that the ‘good’ guys are still harping on the rules while the ‘bad’ guys are busily breaking them. Pick of the Week The Ebon Hawk Hijinks High On Pie 14 Post TSL: The heroes describe the events in the Tarisian UnderCity with a twist. I have to admit that this amused me greatly. I did wonder what Bee cut out, but if I really want to know, I’ll ask… All right, I give up. One of you two send me a pm and tell me! Pick of the week. Prologue: Mass Effect II: Reaping Tysyacha Remember that a racial name (turian for example) is like a national one, so it should be capitalized. The basics are good so far, the piece needs editing, but no one has ever escaped that when I hold the pen. I was asked to supply our new commander, and I hope to see more of this. One for Arcesious Vanir Undetermined time before ROTS: A battle in space The descriptions could use some work. It took me a moment to figure out (Visualizing a Republic Nebulon Frigate) to get the first descriptive statement. Remember that flow is important. If you toss in an odd description, it impedes that flow. The scenes were well done, and the surprise on both sides when the micro jump placed them so close together was choice. Intoxication mshcherbatskaya TSL Aboard Ebon Hawk, no specific section given: A roundabout way to ask… The piece started of slowly, but once it began rolling it was like watching a train wreck, something you don’t want to see, but have to watch. My favorite was how you skated skirted and danced around the one question that would have violated the PG13 rating here, and I enjoyed how you did. The end was interesting because I have to wonder, who deleted the data? Finality Kado Sunrider Directly after ROTJ: Anakin faces those he betrayed. The piece was short sweet, and well done. As we know from the end of ROTJ, Anakin was accepted among the Jedi that had gone on,. kotorfanmedia One Breath Freyalise TSL in the Trayus Academy: The Exile teaches Sion the importance of letting go. The piece has been praised to the skies already. All I can add is this; Pick of the Week From the Journal of M.V. Axiawest A Year post TSL: The Disciple will not let go of his memories, even if he doesn’t remember. The story flowed well, and compelled you to go further. Considering what little time I have to read more of someone’s work, I was drawn further and further and finally had to stop myself from going further, because I would have never finished my article this week. But I think I ‘ll be back… Pick of the Week Sacrifice Tatooine92 TSL At Trayus Academy: Sometimes the darkness is inside us The piece is cold hard and poignant. I am sure I have read it before, but there is no record that I had. Maybe I did and never wrote a review. Pick of the week. A Loose End PrincessJaden TSL After the defeat of Kraya: There’s just one destination remaining… The piece was short but when I was done I hungered for more. The feeling both of Atton and the Exile resonated, and I wanted to find out what happened next. Pick of the Week For Luck PrincessJaden TSL on Dxun: Just for luck… The piece is short, but like the previously reviewed work, it made me want more. Pick of the Week From the Ashes Part I Cellotix Post TSL: Atton wants to be left alone… Can Mira break through to him? Romances when it’s not Exile/Atton are rare, and this one has much promise. Having Mira not only in love with Atton but doing everything she can to drag him back ins an interesting view. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dark Jedi Princess Posted January 5, 2009 Share Posted January 5, 2009 “A Wanderer’s Destiny”, Prologue & Chapter 1: Trisha’s Curse Dark Jedi Princess Set five years after TSL: A pair of ‘businessmen’ have a discussion with the Republic. Crosssover fiction can have problems primarily because the rules of the two might not carry across. I have seen only one episode of Full Metal Alchemist, but the rules don’t seem to have changed much from what they use in KOTOR, so no biggie. The writing style is good, no major grammar or spelling goofs. But the work does need polishing and editing. No that isn’t a ding, It always needs polishing and editing. Trust me. This is WAY late, but Mach? Thanks VERY much for the review. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
vanir Posted January 5, 2009 Share Posted January 5, 2009 Thanks Mach, making the transition from non-fic to fic hasn't been easy. I'm not really well read in fiction, I want to write down the math for the Lorentz transformation when I ought to be pulling a hyperdrive lever Being as I don't have a degree, it's make it as a fiction author or bust. I'm afraid I'm a bit committed at this stage (though could still turn my WW2 novel into an argumentative history of the Eastern Front...erm I open chapters describing where particular divisions were historically, what this particular Staff Chief historically wrote in his diary about Hitler, very detailed technical research to describe a Messerscmitt landing and so on). Your feedback is extremely helpful. Thanks again Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JediMaster12 Posted January 5, 2009 Share Posted January 5, 2009 mach: You know I love you and I thank you for the review of Realms of Honor. If anyone wants to believe it, it was an idea that stemmed when I watched the trailer for a video game. I kind of want to see if people can guess at what it is. However I like that you pointed out the arguing of the rules between the 'good guys' and the 'bad guys.' It played itself out as I wrote it and I guess I was thinking of the Jedi and their Code in TPM and AotC and how they would say that "the Code forbids it." In Essence I played on that but really it wrote itself out. Thanks again for the review and I am always appreciative of your good natured heckling Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted January 9, 2009 Author Share Posted January 9, 2009 Coruscant Entertainment Center *Short*Death Of A Jedi Camo-Man 07 After ROTS: A Jedi tries to assassinate the Emperor. The word is features. Remember to polish and edit. The basics are good, though as has been pointed out, it paralleled the fight between Palpatine and Yoda. My primary argument with it was technical; Technical: While I can see them still using fire alarms in that time, you missed one minor flaw. Setting of an alarm in say the Congressional offices here in the US would draw a rapid response, guards to find and verify the fire, sensors that would detect if it were a false alarm, even fire fighting droids. In the case of a Chief of State, his own security force would have gotten him out and damn anyone else first, so having him just stand there and wait didn’t make a lot of sense. Destined to Live Darth Yuthura Post TSL: A gladiator and his woman ponder what life really means. The scenes are stark and clearly defined. This is so far one of your better works. I wish I had the time to read it all. Pick of the Week The Company CommanderQ Two weeks after General Order 66: A group of rebellious clones fight their brothers. Any of my usual comments about editing are unnecessary, so remember to edit and polish. The basics are good, the combat scene could use some work in my opinion, but that’s just me. I was a bit confused until the last few paragraphs of the first posting because there was no mention of why they had rebelled; though the explanation was there, so I’m satisfied. In Pursuit of Glory. Astor Kaine Non-SW Historical fiction: A gallant fight you a young officer. The piece flowed well, and AK has shown again a mastery of the historical work here. The scenes, the fight, the shock of the volley, all well done. Pick of the Week KOTOR III: Tret'ye Srazhenie: Mission Briefing Tysyacha The first couple of paragraphs needed smoothing, but other than that well done. I approached this one with a bit of trepidation. If you didn’t read the two prologue posts, I was the one who created Becca Solis and scripted that little practical joke war at Tys‘s request. Then like any father, I stood back and watched her toddle off now being controlled by another. Not that I really minded, because Tys has done her usual workmanlike best. Pick of the week. kotorfanmedia Light side Female Revan Venomous, Part One Ninjer PreKOTOR on Dxun: An Assassin makes an attempt on Revan’s life… But was she sent by who I think sent them? The story is compelling, dark, dangerous, and an excellent read. The only part that confused me was the idea that some of the Jedi Masters had sent her. It’s one on those niggling little questions that will make me wish I could read every page. Pick of the Week Tatooine Landing Joysweeper KOTOR on Tatooine: The crew lands and prepares for action Others have said it, and I will too; the attention to detail is exquisite, giving every character more depth than the game could. I could picture them all standing there in real live, and making Tatooine a bit like one of the Arab or South American countries where Baksheesh is expected was an interesting twist. Pick of the Week Light side Female Exile The Shadows of Cinders: Chapter One - Of Fire and Irony Akira Sereneda TSL Right after Malachor V: The Exile starts to recover from her climactic battle. The writing is well done, the introspection and interactions interesting. Well worth a read. End of the Beginning. Beginning of the End. Chapter 1. Egiaprevolg TSL After the climactic battle on Malachor: The Exile mentally says goodbye so she can search for the man she loves. As the author said, Revan/Exile romances are rare, and the spurned lover reaction she expects to use when she finally finds her love was just gtoo good to miss. Pick of the Week The Meaning of a Name EowynJedi TSL Aboard Ebon Hawk, no specific section given: What is in a name after all? The author took a quirk of the game’s programming and took it to new heights in this treatise. The question suggested in the title is well examined, Floating PrincessJaden TSL on Citadel Station: Sometimes you just have to take or be taken The piece is short and sweet, and the cute part was how Atton just did what he could to convince the Exile of his interest. It was only slightly surprising to me, but I did enjoy the surprise. Fallen Rina Delwynn TSL No specific section given: After his betrayal, the Exile only has five words for Atton The piece flowed well, the pain not only in Atton’s word but hers as well nicely done. Someone else has given suggestions about how to edit this, so I won’t bother. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Astor Posted January 9, 2009 Share Posted January 9, 2009 In Pursuit of Glory. Astor Kaine Non-SW Historical fiction: A gallant fight you a young officer. The piece flowed well, and AK has shown again a mastery of the historical work here. The scenes, the fight, the shock of the volley, all well done. Pick of the Week. Thank you for the review, Mach. I'm not sure i'd call it 'mastery', but I do have a great love of history (especially from 1700 to 1815), and had been looking for an opportunity to write something about it. I thought it was a gamble on my part - i'd never written this sort of story before, and i'm pleased that it paid off. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CommanderQ Posted January 9, 2009 Share Posted January 9, 2009 Thanks Mach! I will gladly take your advice and polish until smooth:D I think I have finally achieved some sort of "Band of Brothers" feel with the story, but there is a bit to go still, so we'll see:D Thanks Again! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted January 16, 2009 Author Share Posted January 16, 2009 Coruscant Entertainment Center Nighthunter RakataDark AU No specific era given: A chance meeting in a bar. Grammar problems. Remember to (As in go to) is different from Too (also). The work needs polishing, as an example, the description of Truesdale was confusing because there was little or no need to break it into so many sentences. Also check word usage. Bore should have been ‘become bored’ and complected (skin color) should be complicated. The basics are good, though hackneyed. Meeting in a bar was pointed out to me by one editor as the poorest way to arrange the scene. Technical note: ‘Bars’ are usually called Cantinas or tap-cafes in the EU. The Black Skull CommanderQ Six months before battle of Endor: A mining colony is hit by the unknown. The main things I would have pointed out have already been addressed except pointing out that editing would have probably fixed them. The work is interesting, and the stark bare action was well done. I wish I had gotten a glimpse of what was attacking, but that happens in all of the better horror and Sci Fi stories, so it didn’t bother me that much. Pick of the Week The Unknown: Prologue LordOfTheFish Problems with both grammar and word usage. It’s their not they’re. I not eye. Instead of uncovered, they should be trying to convince her to reveal. The basics are good, but the story drags. I had trouble seeing a Jedi being held so readily by her enemies, and giving such a lackluster performance when escape became viable. But that is editing and polishing. Mass Effect II: Reaping: A Colleague in the Commissary Tysyacha Non SW Fiction: The commander begins to gather more crew as the story continues The idea is forming well, and from what I saw of one of the creators of a character (Alkonium) it might get… interesting. Pick of the Week Tret'ye Srazhenie: Chapter II: Enclave Emissaries Tysyacha The piece is flowing, but a bit slow for my tastes. Starting to flesh out the crew now. Scion of Darkness ~ Episode One: Fear Leads to Anger The Doctor, Endorenna and Adavardes Four centuries after the fall of the second Empire: The students of the Academy are detailed for our enjoyment. It’s detracted rather than distracted. Gait not gate. Minor things, considering that it would take rereading to detect them. I only had a chance to read the first posting, as you all know I am usually too busy, but this piece was interesting especially in the interaction between the students. I think I’d like to read it all if I can get the chance. Pick of the week kotorfanmedia Remote Tankgirly TSL on Dxun: A lifetime apart, two old comrades reprise their first meeting. The piece flowed well. The only negative, that I saw was a previous comment about lack of description, however that is a style comment rather than an actual criticism. Well done Pick of the Week Fool's Luck General San 3 TSL on Peragus: There are three types of luck; bad, dumb and blind The quote above I attribute to Cole and Bunch from one of their Sten books, and fit’s the scene on Pergaus as described by this author. The flashbacks fit perfectly, giving us an idea of how Atton came to be on Peragus very well. The scenes were clearly defined and flowed. A very good read. Pick of the Week. As the Earth to the Sun Shadow Rise TSL on Citadel Station: The brief romance ends as a lover you didn’t expect dies. The scene was well done, and considering the possibility of a female Exile, well done. The scenes were abrupt, almost chiaroscuro. But as a fan of Sin City, I can say I like chiaroscuro. Pick of the Week Dark Side Male Exile Knights of the Republic III: Force of Echos - Prologue WebMistressGina Originally reviewed 30 Dec 2005 Post TSL: Revan is getting together a few good people... The style is well done, the story easy and fun to read. The readers on Kotorfanmedia gave it twelve thumbs up. It deserved them. Reprise Pick of the Week The Three Little Masters and the Big Bad Exile Arrow TSL: The three little pigs Star Wars style. I started this and had to grin at; ‘Once upon a time a long... uh, longer time ago in a galaxy far, far away’ From that point on has was smiling, grinning, and even chortling. The ‘moral’ of the story was just too choice. Pick of the Week The Third Betrayal Allronix Originally reviewed 10 Mar, 2006 From his own KOTOR III Fan-fic. Ebon Hawk makes a stop that leads to betrayal. As with all of the work of this author, it is excellent and well written. While the scene is too reminiscent of the scene on Bespin in The Empire Strikes Back, it was still well done and intriguing. The ending was not wholly unexpected, but well played. Reprise Pick of the Week The Coming Darkness, Prologue Darth Kronos Originally reviewed on 10 Mar 2006 A Dark Jedi Master contemplates the universe. Darth Kronos has given us a view of the universe that is not unique, but well considered. What if the bad guys in all of our star wars stories, all of Lucas’ stories were trying to save the galaxy, not destroy it? DK only looks at Exar Kun and Revan, but it is a thought provoking read. My biggest problem with adding this to my work load is I honestly don’t have time to hunt down and read every bit of the works I have enjoyed. Reprise Pick of the Week Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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