machievelli Posted May 15, 2009 Author Share Posted May 15, 2009 Well, it's actually not an 'undetermined time after ROTS'. It just wasn't stated right at the beginning. Somewhere in the middle, Idrin Karras was thinking about 'four years earlier' just before the rise of the Empire when "a hooded and cloaked figure claiming to be Reibe Vailar pledged her allegiance to the Emperor." I stand corrected. I will edit the review As far as your personal issue with my character is concerned, I don't suppose it helps my case that Reibe isn't technically 'immortal'. She can be killed, and she will eventually die. She's just very, very, very long-lived I just can't feel comfortable with characters who know all, see all, and have experienced all. My least favorite character in Heinlien's universe is Lazarus Long Someday all of these little side-stories I'm writing will fall into place as one story; the life of Reibe Vailar. And only then will she truly make sense... ... actually, I take that back. I don't think she'll ever make sense, not even to me That was why you got a pick of the Week; I have characters that confuse the hell out of me too. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rashea Posted May 20, 2009 Share Posted May 20, 2009 I'll look at it. However, having read the official canon I see nothing that states that Revan was male. I was hoping that you have had the chance to look at my story, if not that's fine because I have just posted another instalment. If you want I can send it to you via email. Just send me a message at pickfordrashea@gmail.com with your email and I will send it post haste. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted May 22, 2009 Author Share Posted May 22, 2009 Coruscant Entertainment Center The Onderonian War Nick Vader During Mandalorian Wars: The attack on Onderon The piece was rushed with so many words used incorrectly that I had to take several extra minutes. The place where there are the most mistakes in one sentence is the following one. The sentence ‘Our forces that attacked fristly were leaded by Canderous Ordo’ should have been written ‘The forces in our first wave were led by Canderous Ordo’. I know when you’ve got an idea you want to get it out there for people to see; but it’s like making a cake by merely throwing the ingredients in the bowl and hoping for the best. Vanity: A Play in One Act, Four Scenes Tysyacha NSW Fiction: A Greek legend plays out based on mere vanity. I liked it, Tys. I am wondering where you’re going with this. I may have to come back… Pick of the Week The First Jedi Vanir Predating the Republic: The first Jedi wanders. The basics are good, the idea intriguing. I had something like it in my own ‘The Beginning‘. Keep it up, I’d like to see more. KOTOR: Origins Starsword PreKOTOR: The Jedi characters of the game as teens The work looks good for a first attempt. Your forgot a word or maybe could have used another (of medical shuttle). The flow needs work, but that is an editing and polishing job. Since you’re a newbie, this is the first time you’ll hear this; but from what I have seen, I hope it isn’t the last. Reread, edit, rewrite, repeat until polished. The only problem I had was the duel scene. A stereotypical bully and his cronies doesn’t fit with that the Jedi teach. Good work, and welcome to the forum. kotorfanmedia Before I Leave You, Chapter 1 Darth Longie Originally posted 3 Feb 2006. Original review below: Interlude between KOTOR and KOTOR II. Revan remembers a past teacher Dl said he hasn’t posted a fanfic before and I knew it when I read what was written. My question kid, is WHY NOT? The writing style is hesitant, but great. The characters are clearly defined, well covered, and my only other complaint is that you didn’t write more. Reprise Pick of the Week Star Wars - Total War Kagi Vayun The Old Republic melded with the Clone Wars: A team plans an attack The style is good, and I was surprised that Bastila was running around during the Separatist period. A well done blending. Bastila's decision Jerrig Tora Unspecified time during KOTOR on Dantooine: Bastila regrets her deception. The story flowed well, the basis; Bastila regretting her inability to tell her charge what was happening, well played. The only bobble is calling the character Revan in the last segment. Knights of the Old Republic, Chapter I: Orbital Engagement Kagi Vayun KOTOR aboard Endar Spire: We refight the battle of the Endar Spire The piece was pretty good, flowing properly, the combat scenes the mere snippets you would expect from real life. The by play between Trask and Kagi in the down time between battles is very well done. Technical: I know most of us are going from game to fan-fic when we write these, but one of my pet peeves is definition. A melee is a hand to hand battle, not a weapon type. In such a fight anything you can grab is a weapon, just some of them are more efficient. You did avoid the biggest problem, saying everyone just grabbed their melee weapons, but it would have been smoother if this were corrected. Pick of the Week The 2nd Sith War - an invisible war - Part 1 Khawk PostKOTOR: A Jedi Spy within a Sith Academy finds valuable intelligence. Since English is not your mother language, I took that into account on spelling and word choice. Remember conversation breaks. You also tended to jump around during conversations in such a way that they were a bit confusing. Neither of these are major problems since they are corrected by editing. The story itself is excellent work needing editing and polishing, no more. Revan Part 1 Crystal001 10 years after KOTOR: A crippled Revan has visitors… Like Freesourceful commented, the voice was perfect! A crippled character as serene as you could suspect from a Jedi, yet yearning to be up and moving around. Choice work. Pick of the Week Hiding, part 1 Helena L PostKOTOR: The torture used on Bastila is revealed The story is excellent in it’s own right, the depression Bastila feels and her reaction to the perceived reaction of her shipmates and others fits considering what had occurred. Revan’s reaction fit’s the character, making you feel for both. Well done. Pick of the Week Knights of the Old Republic: Mantle of Destiny, Chapter I Kagi Vayun Six years after KOTOR: Revan sends a message to his loved one… The piece is interesting in that Revan’s wild suicide charge into the Unknown Regions is ignored. Beyond that the piece is excellent in that we get to see Revan as a Jedi instead of the dark lord. Pick of the Week Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Arcesious Posted May 22, 2009 Share Posted May 22, 2009 I was wondering if you offer reviews as stories currently being made progress. Some people (like me) don't get a lot of criticizing posts about their stories aside from the first post, and I'd like to know what you think of my story (Cataclysmic Infinium) at this point, if its not too much trouble. What should I improve upon or add onto? What should I re-format or redo, etc, etc. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted May 23, 2009 Author Share Posted May 23, 2009 I was wondering if you offer reviews as stories currently being made progress. Some people (like me) don't get a lot of criticizing posts about their stories aside from the first post, and I'd like to know what you think of my story (Cataclysmic Infinium) at this point, if its not too much trouble. What should I improve upon or add onto? What should I re-format or redo, etc, etc. There are two ways; you can ask the people in the Beta thread to critique. Those I have noticed have offered so far would be fair. The other option would be to send me a copy by e-mail. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted May 29, 2009 Author Share Posted May 29, 2009 Coruscant Entertainment Center Nemesis of the Sith: Revan's Journey to the unknown... Te Mirdala Mand'alor PostKOTOR: Revan begins his campaign in the Unknown Region Into, not in to. The sentence ‘And the scouts we sent to investigate haven’t reported back. Even when we tried raising them on the comm.’ suggests that they have communicated, since not raising them implies an answer. No reply as the old saying goes is equal to enemy action. The piece is a bit choppy, but as Commander Q said when quoting me; proofreading is what it needs most at the moment. Keep it up. Welcome to the Forum Right? Tysyacha NonSW fiction: A tale right out of the Twilight Zone The piece is chilling, especially the last line. Knowing our society, I can almost picture it happening. I am curious how the legend of Perseus and Andromeda applies, and really want to know. Pick of the Week Unnamed Western Carsew ‘and his hair, even though he looked like he was only thirty, was already balding‘. is badly worded. I would have suggested ‘even though he looked like he was only thirty, was already balding’ which would have given the same concept without the unnecessary words. As for measurements, remember that even if it were set in Australia in the 1870s, the metric system had the better part of six more decades before it became common outside of continental Europe. Technical (Putting on my ‘oh god it’s overdone’ hat) ‘he had drawn his right pistol and fired a shot at the mans revolver, making the gun fly out of his hand and land a few feet away‘. As much as old Hollywood loved the good guys disarming the enemy instead of Killing them, there are few record instances of a man shooting the gun out of the other man’s hand. As Tom Clancy pointed out in Patriot Games when a barrister suggested that the main character (Jack Ryan) should have shot the gun from a man’s hand, Ryan pointed out that those who learn to use handguns learn to aim for center of mass, I.E., the torso. Shooting him in the arm (The brachial plexus in the upper chest is actually an easier target) would have disarmed him without killing him, and made sure he could not return fire. kotorfanmedia Leaving Mantle of the Force PostKOTOR: The hardest part of leaving is saying goodbye. Lay instead of lied. Other than that and some editing errors, it was excellent. Star Wars Kotor III: The Last Battle (Part One) Bastila Skywalker PostTSL: The climactic battle against the true Sith is only the beginning. The piece flows well, and while the battle looks scripted it worked very well. Pick of the Week Nothing Like I Expected SinnedAria KOTOR On Tatooine: Sometimes, you can speak to someone like your mother; even if it is only in a letter never sent. The introspection is wonderful, going over how Revan is not what she expected. The end is perfect. Pick of the Week Jolee's rebirth Jerrig Tora KOTOR on Kashyyk: Jolee considers comeing out of his shell Unfortunately, there were editorial errors that kept me from truly enjoying the work. Misspelling, some misplaced words, that kind of thing. I did enjoy it, but it was a little hard to follow A Subtle War, Chapter 1 Monarch Rat Post TSL: The Exile leads a team to help Revan. The piece is interesting in that you have a world kept ‘dark side’ to prepare for a revolution. It’s worth a look. Total War, Chapter I - The Liberation of Coruscant Kagi Vayun Alternate Universe: The battle of three different time periods is joined The story is flowing well but I had a problem that is primarily technical, addressed below: Technical: Picture this from our own world; the combined fleet, comprising the Modern Russian Blue Water Navy (Modern Missile cruisers and carriers), supported by the British Fleet From Jutland, and the Athenian Fleet from the Peloponnesian Wars strikes at the combined American 3rd fleet (Protecting the East Coast). What is wrong with this picture? Star Wars Knights of the Old Republic: The Apartment Revan Jast KOTOR on Taris: As Revan awakens, Carth notices oddities in the records… The basic work is very good, the scene too short to get a good read on where it’s going; but I for one liked it enough that I wished it was longer. Evil Emperor Malak WinterOnasi Comedy AU: The climactic battle, with a twist… When it’s marked comedy I’m never sure how to react, so this left me cold… Until I started reading it. Lucky for me (I was drinking whiskey at the time) I wasn’t drinking when I read this. Good thing, because while blowing milk (Or coffee or tea) through your nose is only disgusting, doing it with alcohol can hurt. Believe the old man here. The piece is not only funy it is outrageously funny. Pick of the Week Spectre of the Past, Chapter 1 Lord Valentai Six monhs PostKOTOR: Revan has to deal with hs second love.. Mission. An interesting concept, carried to it’s fruition; The idea that Revan and Mission, bereft of both Zaalbar and Bastila might have gotten together is a unique view. I enjoyed the story immensely. Pick of the Week Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tysyacha Posted May 30, 2009 Share Posted May 30, 2009 Thanks for the Pick of the Week! Does Kirae remind you of someone...familiar? If it does, I've done my job right. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted June 4, 2009 Author Share Posted June 4, 2009 Thanks for the Pick of the Week! Does Kirae remind you of someone...familiar? If it does, I've done my job right. She reminded me of Zakal, but I could be wrong... oh BTW, is Mass Effect an online game? And if so, does it cost to play? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hallucination Posted June 4, 2009 Share Posted June 4, 2009 I know that it is a primarily offline game, but there might be an online component I don't know about. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted June 5, 2009 Author Share Posted June 5, 2009 Coruscant Entertainment Center The Silver Zephyr Blix The timeline for this series is five years before KOTOR, during KOTOR I and II, and two years after KOTOR II: A man tries to discover the fate of two lost people The piece is too short to get a good grasp on it, but is flowing nicely. The primarily problems are spacing and spelling, with some editing tossed in. The biggest problem with word processing programs is that you can use the wrong word, and if that word is spelled correctly, the system will ignore it. Using no as you did, instead of now is therefore both wrang and acceptable. That is why you have to remember to reread then edit. As for spelling, it is illogical not unlogicial. As for spacing, we on this forum have found that putting extra spaces between paragraphs and conversation breaks helps when we’re reading them. Not bad for a first attempt Welcome to the forum kotorfanmedia Ends and Means Crucival PostKOTOR Enroute to Malachor V: Revan remembers the climactic battle of the Star Forge The piece is well wrought, the interesting idea being that while Revan is the ‘good guy’ now, he still has the same ‘the ends justify the means’ attitude. If this is continuing I wish I had time to read the rest. A Long Time Waiting Midnight Hawk 30 years after KOTOR: Bastila waits for Revan to return The piece is bittersweet as another person commented, and while some don’t like that style, I love it. Pick of the Week Crossed Wars Chapter 1 Lord Yankee KOTOR At Taris: KOTOR and Stargate collide Crossovers don’t always work; you have to enjoy both series to really get into it. I for one never liked the Stargate Series because while the return to earth in the first was logical, they never explained what symbols were used in the series and it bugged me on a ‘writer’s rational explanation level’. However starting the action where it did helped a lot and I enjoyed this. Of Gizkas and Potatoes Kabutar KOTOR: Snapshots of their adventures An interesting take on the scenes, and the word snapshots fit’s the style perfectly, leaping from Revan to Bastila and back as if each had taken a camera and took the pictures that they liked best. Too Many Justins - Chapter 1 Back In Blaque Starting 8 months after KOTOR: Bastila waits for Revan to return… But who is this man claiming to be him? The story went well until the last line, and I enjoyed it. What bothered me was they knew the face and the name, but it appeared this is not Revan? Did the Council do plastic surgery as well? If so, how did first Karath then Malak recognize him on first sight? The Return Kandon Kuuson PostTSL: Revan and the Exile return to Coruscant; Revan hopes to see Bastila… But what is this underlying thread? Some words left out making the sentences read wrong. I will only use one example; ‘Where remembered all the good times he had’ needed a he after where. The piece was well done beyond that, and my only worry is that maybe they are breaking up… Pick of the Week Path of the Exile Chapter 1 A R Minion Post TSL: As the Exile gets his arm looked at, he remembers the battle of Dxun. The piece flowed well but there were phrases that caught like rocks in a river, making it slightly difficult to read. This is an editing and polishing problem, so it is no biggie. The "I Love You" Song Madison Desdemona Six years Post KOTOR: Revan finally returns… but how does Bastila feel? The piece flowed well, though I agreed with two of the reviewers, who pointed out that having Bastila mope around for six years was a bit much. As for resourceful comment, I do not agree, though it’s on a specific internal dialogue level. When I talk to myself, I speak in present tense rather than past tense, and I think that is what the author was conveying. Pick of the Week Acts of Retribution-Chapter I The Disciple PreTSL: The various council members consider the decision they must make about the Exile You used reticence incorrectly since it means unwilling to talk rather than vehement in denial. That said it was the only flaw I saw beyond some editing problems. The story flowed well, each character sharply defined and in keeping with the game. This is one of the stories I wish I could read to fruition. Pick of the Week Star Wars Knights of the Old Republic: Taris - The Upper City Revan Jast KOTOR on Taris: The two heroes need to find a way into the lower city The piece did have it’s comedic points, and it flowed well. Having Seth watchng the waitress because of her state of undress was a riot. But the abrupt turn from comedic to dramatic (Killing the Sith at the party) rather ruined the ride for me. Click-Pop Snap-Hiss Gabrielle TSL aboard the Ebon Hawk: The dark side Exile plots her next moves with her ‘favorite’ apprentice. The piece flowed well, and the interplay between thoughts and comments was well done. Atton’s worries are clearly defined, and made the piece excellent. Pick of the Week Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted June 12, 2009 Author Share Posted June 12, 2009 Coruscant Entertainment Center Angelic Infinity Starsword NonSW Fiction: An ambush closes on it’s target The piece worked well though it dragged a bit. Try to come up with better names for your equipment; jumper is rather vague, and the attempt at the end to use it seemed as if it were supposed to be either magical or psionic in nature. You could also have taken the time to explain why it is impossible to teleport a moving vessel; since by definition nothing in the universe is at rest. As an example in the Honor Harrington Universe they have an upper limit for translation into hyperspace (.80C) and specific rules for reentry into normal space. Good work. Out Comes The Evil Rtas Vadum TSL Enroute to Korriban: The Exile falls farther to the dark side. The flow needs work. You’re using cumbersome sentences, and homonyms instead of the proper words (weather instead of whether). Read your work and try to spot such errors. As an example I posted one piece and someone commented I’d used they’re instead of their. I went through it for a month before I found it. The piece is unremittingly dark. A bit of shivery darkness. Well done. Kotor III The True Sith Sarpedon2 Post TSL: The Republic sets out to restore order. The work is good for an intro, but you had some odd word usage. Conspiring implies a darker intent for example. As for making the story bite sized chunks; that will not get people to comment. I think you need an axe sword or gun to get half the people on the forum to even admit they’re here. I’ve been here a while, I should know. Sin's Price Rtas Vadum PreKOTOR before the Mandalorian Wars: An abrasive captain meets Revan for the first time The piece was an interesting look at the situation before the wars began. My primary disagreements are technical and addressed below. Technical: Admirals and Captains do not argue in this manner. Your main character accused the admiral of both cowardice and incompetence straight out. While he can think it, even believe it, the way you had him say it would have ended his command if not his career. Like any stratified society you have to be careful how you word your comments. When a junior officer questions his superior officer’s action, he does so in a non-confrontational manner. He is cognizant of all the courtesy due even if he thinks the other officer an idiot. A perfect example is in the movie A Bridge Too Far, where the S2 (Intelligence Staff officer) questions the reconnaissance done before Market Garden was launched. He is adamant but respectful and General Browning finally relented. As a further historical example, if you watch the Movie Tora Tora Tora, there is the scene where the senior officer are discussing the proposed attack. Admiral Nagumo, who would later command the strike force voices the concern that over half Japan’s carrier strength is being risked on what could have been a very dangerous operation. One of the other officers comments that Nagumo’s words are defeatist. Nagumo leaps to his feet, and you could almost see his wishing for a sword. The man who made the statement is shocked, yet rises to his feet because they were his words, and he had stand by them. Second; unless the task force is thrown together in an ad hoc manner, the captain of a flagship (Also called the flag captain) is the commander’s tactical deputy. Regardless of his personality, the Flag Captain has to understand his commander so well that he can act for his Admiral knowing that it is what his superior would want to do. Flag Captain is an important ticket to punch when going for high command; it shows not only willingness to work well, but also the chance to prove your own proficiency. A test your captain would have failed. Tick Tock Adavardes SW No specific period: A descent into madness Short, sweet and to the point. Worth a vote if I did vote. Pick of the Week Intention Vanir SW During time before ROTS: Cooking calms the nerves, and songs teach The piece is interesting in that the song speaks of both sides of the human equation. Construction and destruction. Evil and good. It’s a good thing I don’t vote. This time it would have been a tie. Pick of the Week Hazel Eyes Burnseyy Non SW Fiction: A young girl struggles with her feeling, and her desire to find out if the one she love might love her The piece is very good introspective look. How many of us out there do not have such worries and wonders? Not only about our sexuality, but about anything. How many of us think our writing may be good enough but know the publishers will reject it? No I’m not taking a dig at you kids. I have the same worry. kotorfanmedia Light Koon KOTOR after the battle of the Star Forge: Revan remembers that last fight, and mourns The style is good, the story ended at just the right poignant note. Very well done. Pick of the Week Light Side Male Revan Irreversible Gabrielle TSL aboard Ebon Hawk: The Exile goes on a rampage The piece is chilling, the scenes a chiaroscuro of madness. The end, her own thoughts begging him for forgiveness before she realizes what he has done is almost a blessing. Pick of the Week Light Side Female Revan The March of the Black Queen Mercury Magic KOTOR During the final battle of the Star Forge: Bastila reveals her true heart. This story is like a snake. Every time you think you have a grip on what’s happening, it turns in you hand and bites you. It isn’t until the end you understand. Excellent style and great work. Pick of the Week KOTOR and I Bling Masta KOTOR all over the place: Careful, we might get sued… This one started interesting and leaping back and forth through what was happening and when was just the icing on the cake. All I’ve got to say is someone should shoot that narrator. The first scene was just getting interesting… Pick of the Week Awkward Memories. Bastila Skywalker PostKOTOR: Revan knows he must go, and wishes he didn’t. Some word usage problems uneasily doesn’t need to be hyphenated neither does unsolved; and you used fist instead of first then rapped instead of wrapped. These are editing problems, easily corrected. The piece flowed well, the quiet time before Revan left to go on his mission lovingly portrayed. Pick of the Week Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted June 19, 2009 Author Share Posted June 19, 2009 Crossover Chevron 7 Locke RPG From Site: RPG meets real life The piece was amusing from the start. The daughter frustrated between the television and commenting on ‘Uncle Vald’, the mother casually calling for a shotgun and suggesting the girl go off with a boyfriend while she handled what was occurring (With admonitions on what to do is his fingers wander). At the author’s request, I waited and read the last posting. A pity, Chev, I had a higher opinion before that last section. It was good, and the last section didn’t really fit, but as the author, that was your choice. Having never gone by the Dantooine Theater Company, I don’t know the characters, but the use of them was interesting. Come on Chev, is this all? More! Blood of the Republic Lord Spitfire Six Months Post TSL: The new Chancellor has his own plan, and his own ‘little list’. The biggest problem with the work is flow. Yo use cumbersome sentences such as; ‘One mistake he made’ which would have been better saying ‘If he made the wrong mistake’. You also use he wrong word occasionally (Pouched as in put in a pouch instead of the pouch itself). These are editing problems, easily corrected. Knowing something of politics (At 55 I learned something about it in self defense) what your chancellor is planning could be very risky. Organized crime in the US has been around since the second decade of the 20th century, and few of the gangs have been broken. You are trying to carry out a ‘war on crime’ such as they declared in the 70s with little or no result. As someone sarcastically said back then, unless you’re going to fight it with tanks and bombs it’s a war you’ll never win. But it looks like it is going to be interesting. 2014: The final chapter 1984 redux Tysyacha NonSW Fiction: 1984 rewritten It has been four decades since I read 1984, and this chilled me. The ‘party’ brought up all of the terror of 1984 because I understand what Orwell created back in the late 40s and Tysyacha has reached down and made me remember that long forgotten work. Not only worth the read; not just Pick of the week, but Best of the Best this week. A Jedi Shall Not Know Anger. Nor Hatred. Nor Love. Mara Nedolo KOTOR Aboard Ebon Hawk: Love never goes smoothly… especially for Jedi The piece has an almost comedic sense to it, primarily because we’ve all been through what Revan and Bastila are going through; except for the stricture of not loving at all. The reactions both of Bastila and Revan fit a stereotypical couple who cannot be together because of circumstances right down to tears and pouting. Excellent work A Black Rose, By Any Other Name... Crucival KOTOR After the Star Forge: A unique twist on the events in TSL The piece was interesting in that the author used events we remember from TSL, yet quirked tem using the characters from KOTOR. The ending was choice in that Bastila waited so long for her revenge, and removed the Sith Trumvirate in her own style. Pick of the Week Pookie Jae Onasi Originally reviewed six October 2006 at Lucasforums Jedi Archive. Original review below; KOTOR on Tatooine: So how did we end up with a Gizka? The style is excellent, the byplay between characters excellent, and the premise not only plausible, but fun. An excellent read. Over in the Kotorfanmedia site they have dueling challenges. Having never actually seen the originals, just the responses, I haven’t paid that much attention to them. After this one maybe I should. Reprise Pick of the Week A Picture On The Mantle Back in Blaque PostKOTOR: Lena finally gets a good man The piece covers one of the ancillary characters from KOTOR, and does it well. Lena is one of those characters where you wonder what happened to her later; her brief dealing with Griff had set her up for a fall, and having him be the author of her problems later put him in my personal better dead than alive category. Having her find if not true love, at least a loving man was perfect revenge. Pick of the Week The Promised Land Far KOTOR on Taris: The struggle of the Outcasts An illustrated story, the only problem I had was that the link to page 4 took me to an ad with no way to go on, so I didn’t read that section. The idea that you would have a schism in the group, one going on to the original promised land, the other to the upper world was well handled. I could see Shaleena doing this; she didn’t want the perfect life. She wanted the stars. It’s nice to know she got her chance. The Haunted King Denomara After the incident with Leviathan: Revan knows what he must do, and plots as he sits alone The piece is good, though I don’t understand the watch and watch you have imposed. The best was having one name we would remember as good, then the ‘real’ name imposed was very interesting indeed. Trust Issues Nivenus KOTOR, Ebon Hawk en route to Manaan: Carth mulls over his trust issues The piece was delightful in that all those displayed (Everyone but T3 and Juhani) spoke with their own voice, and expressed themselves in a clear manner that set them apart. Having it begin with a Dejarik game, as one reviewer pointed out, is a way to set a conflict without actual bloodshed, though HK seems to have missed it, and had to add some of his own. Well worth reading. Pick of the Week From the Star Forge to the Future DarthNotRevan KOTOR a week after the Star Forge: One final dinner before departing The piece is short but a nice little read Disgraced Knight's Atonement: 1 - Revelation BobGens001 KOTOR after Leviathan: Revan wrestles with who he had been, and who he has become. The piece, as another reviewer commented, ran the gamut of every possible emotion the character would have been feeling, and did so in a fluid manner that is well polished. Worth reading. Pick of the Week Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted June 26, 2009 Author Share Posted June 26, 2009 Coruscant Entertainment Center To Hide Behind a Veil Insignia Enithma Set somewhere in TSL: A dream links past and future The piece is relatively well written, especially for a first posting. Without thought, there is no obvious connection between the past and future scenes. I read it all the way through before working out that the one named character was the child. The society seems incredibly harsh. I can understand the logic of tests of adulthood, but making three, two of which are usually fatal, would keep the clan from being very big. In fact since most do not survive the second test, it would make them unable to maintain the society for more than a few generations. This would make sense only if the ones who must take these tests have other options; I.E., not taking it at all, but have much lower social standing. Welcome to the forum, give us more. Vode An Mandalore The Shadow KOTOR on Dantooine: The Mandalorians have a plan… Watch out for cumbersome sentence structure. ‘They had trained close to each other since they were eight years old their fathers had been friends.’ would have been more understandable if it had been written; ‘Their fathers had been friends and they had trained closely together since they were eight’. The piece is dry, with all of the action except the last at one remove. One element necessary for good fiction is conflict, and while you have that at the end, the battle itself made no sense. Without the Force there is no way the team you have would have been able to gain any of the remaining star maps for one, and having a strike team of Mandalorians penetrate the Temple’s security (You did not specify another port, and that is the only place we see the Ebon Hawk on the ground) is like suggesting a team of white mice are going to raid a cat show to bell one specific cat. It needs work, and if you’d like, send me a pm with your e-mail and I’ll be glad to go through this line by line. Welcome to the forum. kotorfanmedia The Jedi-est of all? BastilasApprentice Within the force somewhere: Several Jedi spirits get together to decide who was the baddest of them all. The author had fun with this, I can see. I laughed at the ending segment more than anything else, because each of the others, when confronted with what Revan had done compared with them they thought, ‘hey, he did all that but he didn’t have a babe’ until Bastila arrived. Very amusing. KOTOR Version 2-Chapter 1-Awakening Hitokiri Akins PreKOTOR rewritten: What if Revan had remembered who he was before they sent him out? The piece flows well, the logic of the method used feels good. As a previous reviewer commented, sending out a Jedi incognito makes more sense than expecting a partially amnesiac soldier to excel in the situation. One of those I wish I could read all the way through. Pick of the Week KOTOR Ch.1: Is this the way to Corvis Minor? Dobraye Utra Beginning scenes of KOTOR: The pair of survivors begin to gather their team as they wander the sewers The piece was interesting in that the author gave several points of view, Syd, Carth, Bastila, and added scenes you would have expected. Having Syd (Reavn) come back with the uniforms blind drunk was choice. Star wars T.L.O.T.J 1 KotOR 1 Chapter 1 Revan Starwalker Beginning of KOTOR: The fight on the Endar Spire I see others have raked you over the coals for grammar so I won’t go there. What I will address is below: Technical. When you assigned your Revan a rank, you also had to modify the way people spoke to him. We only had two interactions, but the one I am talking about is Ensign Ulgo speaking to Commander Starwalker. Your Ulgo would be guilty of chares under military law because an Ensign is the most junior Commissioned Officer rank you can have, in Military Parlance, an O1. Starwalker on the other hand, using Army rankings would be a Major, an O4. His manner to a superior is insolent and insulting. Telling a superior officer what to do is a military no-no and if he had survived, the least he could be charged with is disrespecting a superior. In the game no rank is given, and it is assumed he is enlisted, or civilian; the tone of the game fits that more readily. There are ways to do everything you had Ulgo do, but the tone would have needed to be different and less disrespectful. They Come SithBurnBaby KOTOR on Rakata Prime: When Gizka reach critical mass… Comments on style have already been addressed, so I will not repeat them. The biggest problem I had with the piece is; where did all of the extra people come from? You place it before the pair met on the summit of the temple, but that is long before the fleet arrived. So having patrols of both Sith and Republic troops made no sense. Heartbroken Darth Osiris KOTOR on the Star Forge: Linking the two games together The fight scene was well done, and the abrupt death of Basila disturbing. The fact that Jaq will be Atton in the second game was a unique way to link them. Why KOTOR's so easy, Background + Chapter 1 -- Taris MainStreet KOTOR+ Star Trek Crossover: Well there had to be some reason the game is so easy at this point… The idea of tossing in the Defiant violates the rules of ‘A long time ago in a Galaxy far, far away’, but it would be an explanation as to why the Vulkars inside the base are as dumb as posts. Combining the two was nicely done, but having the Defiant crew get involved doesn’t explain why the ship is there, or how they know who to support. Back to the Past, Chapter 1 Leiko PreKOTOR: The Padawan and Apprentice have to learn to work together. The work needs polishing and editing, especially in remembering conversation breaks. Also check for word usage since a spell check will not spot this. ‘being staring’ instead of been staring is the prime example. The logic that a Guardian is automatically assigned to every Consular and Sentinel bothered me a bit. They are the warriors of the order, but if a Sentinel or Consular were that easy to kill, there wouldn’t be many of them in the order at all. Also there would be times when you would not have a spare Guardian laying around to plug and play. Revan’s suggestion that she would be better with a saber staff suggests that he noticed something wrong with her stance that Vrook had not, something sword masters and especially their star pupils would notice. Good scene. I was wondering though who told her not to use the force when fighting? The thing I liked best, and the pair seemed to ignore when they got their instructions, was that such a pairing makes perfect sense. They have to learn to work together, and forcing them into such a pairing will force them to learn. Revan had to curb his puckish attitude, Bastila had to learn to loosen up. Interesting, and as one has already said, more. Pick of the week Path of the Exile: Prelude Series A.R. Minion PreKOTOR: The Exile is assigned to work with a young historian… Remember to edit, and especially look for improper word usage, startle instead of start for example. The basics set the scene well, where Atris came from, the Exile’s past and the reason he was noticed by the Jedi, and how he made them uncomfortable. I was wondering which trait bothered them the most; that he had used the Force to be a superb pickpocket? Of his force bond capability. Throwing these two together, and bringing in characters we would know well later was a nice touch. Pick of the Week Trial Of The Spirit - Chapter 1 of 4 Bobgens001 PostKOTOR: Revan and Bastila struggle to fit back into a much smaller order Your explanation of why the council became so isolationist was well considered and voiced. I have always wondered how a group of something less than 5,000 people throughout their history could have swayed much of galactic opinion. Zhar’s explanation of why Revan did not need to go through the trials again was also good. As he said, what test could they have found that would exceed what had to be done to win in KOTOR? By the same token, Bastila’s argument as to why she must face the trials was well done. Even if the rest of the order had accepted it, she still had to prove it to herself. Her comment about the others being sure ’they’ would have resisted was the perfect counterpoint in the same argument. Pick of the Week Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted July 3, 2009 Author Share Posted July 3, 2009 Coruscant Entertainment Center The Way of the Warrior CommanderQ NonSW Fiction set in 1583: A young man seeks adventure The basics are good CQ. The piece is too short to get a good handle on, but I think it might turn out interesting. kotorfanmedia Light Side Female Revan Setting suns SaturdayInAugust KOTOR, no specific period specified: Watching the sun set The piece is short, but the mood well laid. Linking now with Carth, and then, with Malak is a good touch. Light Side Female Revan Crush MoonMythology TSL, no specific time frame: It can’t be love… The piece is as another reviewer stated, sweet simple and short. The infatuation is heightened by her only real interplay with the one she is thinking of, trying to appear the tough little girl so perhaps he will stand off, yet in her imagination having that be the primary attraction. Pick of the week. Alcohol Issues MoonMythology TSL on Citadel Station: in vino et veritas One minor editing suggesting several times you ran words together. It is a minor thing. I do it myself sometimes. The piece is amusing primarily because of the difference between the Exile in control, and her drunk, something every one knows by watching the repressed actually loosening up when they drink. Her action were clear and choice. Her reply to the pick up line was anticipated, but fit with the reason she was drinking. Her questioning Atton fit with the situation, and his own reply fit the character. Very enjoyable. Pick of the Week Dark Side Male Revan Retribution - Interlude Lord Zeuss KOTOR, Enroute to Dantooine: Bastila begins to worry about how much control she actually has… The writing is tight and suspenseful. The only thing bothering me was where was this restraint planted? If you hadn’t played the game it would be excellent story, and even with that one intellectual question, it’s still good. Pick of the Week Light Side Male Revan Where She Could Not Follow AthenaPrime TSL aboard Citadel station: A brief meeting between two old friends with a dark secret. This was disturbing , primarily because as it shows, there are falls that are so quiet. The Bastila that had so much hope in KOTOR is gone, replaced by a woman desperate to have the one thing she wants in the universe, and knows she cannot. The page break has a lot of people convinced that time has passed, but the wording of the first paragraph suggests little time, and shows her darkest secret. The line that struck me best was ‘Dared her to follow and mocked her inability to do so.’. How many have seen a loved one fall into madness and wish they could at least accompany their love on that journey? Something that can be pretended as she did, but not an option in reality. Pick of the Week I'm Not Such A Bad Guy Blaine Averre KOTOR On Taris: As a rogue he’s not that bad a guy I have always played KOTOR as a soldier because I felt more comfortable there. But seeing this I am almost tempted to try it as a scoundrel. The author had a lot of fun with the dichotomy of someone who’d hold people at gun point to rob them, then turn around and save the Ithorian and the man being rousted by bounty hunters. Two side of the same man. Even his reason for choosing the Republic over the Sith fit. I can even see Carth as this uncomfortable, after all the description fits someone more comfortable in a controlled environment. All in all, a good read. Pick of the Week Meanwhile... (A Loose Ends tie in) Dobraye Utra Post KOTOR: A team searches for Revan An interesting read. The author obviously placed Korriban as one of the first planets to go to because Yuthura assisted in evacuating Dantooine, but that as with any such game was the player’s choice. The crew meshed well, and being the only human known to be aboard, it’s not surprising that Ash would be in for some teasing. A Simple Mission BlackKnight PostKOTOR: Revan completes yet another mission. The primary disagreement I had; the placement of the troops, has been addressed so I will not belabor the point. The scene itself was bland, needing more description and color. The fight itself needs more description. As much as the game graphics has people just standing there and flailing away in real life someone is in motion toward a better position, cover, etc. Ten men just standing there and blasting away is unrealistic. A Delerious Jedi JediQB No specific period: A rather odd day for Revan. Written as a birthday present for a person with the same screen name. For a moment I sat stunned at the end of this story. It was as described, comedic and I had a lot of fun with it. The comment about no bathrooms caused me to smirk. There’s many a time you look at someone’s map of a ship or dungeon and the first thing you think is, where’s the bathroom on this thing? Schmoopy-kins? I was just picturing that cultured British accent with these words, and almost lost it. Having one light saber just stop working was fun and the dreaded Vyper replying "I am the viper. I am here to vipe the vindows." Caught me off guard. Very funny. Malak Rising Dakari Alternate Universe PreKOTOR during Mandalorian Wars: What if Malak had gone, and Revan had stayed home? The piece is well done except for some word usage, direly instead of desperately, steered instead of stirred. There were also punctuation and tense problems, but those were addressed by another reviewer. It is interesting seeing the fall from outside with Revan as the one watching. The plan to eliminate all of the ones Malak didn’t trust was well done, even down to knowing what the General in charge would do in that case. Using Taris as the starting point for the return of the Sith instead of Telos merely brought us full circle Pick of the Week. Character Flaws Jaina Solo KOTOR before Korriban: A prody of the quirks in every character with poor Revan an unwilling audience. The piece immediately degenerated into sheer silliness. Not that the comment is negative, I like silliness sometimes. It is funny and a bit surreal. Especially Revan just giving in at the end. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted July 10, 2009 Author Share Posted July 10, 2009 Vinovnymi (Guilty): Part One Tysyacha NonSW fiction: At what point does justice become brutality? The piece is interesting in that the stark reality of it mirrors some of the modern world. My own take on the death penalty is that it is applied almost lackadaisically. I look at the much cleaner system used by Elizabethan England where cruel and unusual punishment was considered to be making you wait an interminable time for an execution; something the Inquisitions and the Soviet system in Russia did all the time. Oh you’ll die, but it’s when we choose. The Life of Venku Ordo rc-2212payback No specific era given: A young Jedi becomes instead a Mando’a Remember conversation breaks. If all of the dialogue is stuffed into a paragraph, you don’t know who is speaking. Don’t worry; There are four modern authors in publication that have made the same mistake, even in finished works. Don’t try to force the action on. Think of the flow of the story as a river with eddies when emotions are being shown, and rapids when the action takes place. The middle part of the story was the best because I can’t see the Jedi throwing someone out because of a scuffle, even if it were with light sabers. By their actions neither Dane nor his opponent were acting like a proper Jedi, even on a student level. The end was even more illogical, since the Jedi tend to be highly efficient, why would they need to place a bounty? The action in that scene was good though, flowing nicely almost in a combat gestalt. All in all a good first attempt. Welcome to the Forum. Light Side Male Revan Between LWIlliams2186 PostKOTOR: Captured by the True Sith, Revan contemplates both past and future. The writing style is good, the piece dark and foreboding. Perhaps there will be more. Pick of the Week If you were mine KnightOfThe Word AU KOTOR During Leviathan encounter: What if Malak had not captured Bastila? The piece flows from the one remark I made about the work above. How much would the universe have changed if Bastila had not been taken? The rest of the story does continue well, inserting Bastila into the mix with ease. Having them all declared masters was a bit much, but having Revan become one fit. I myself enjoyed Revan punching Vrook out. There were times when I wondered if hitting him would be as satisfying. Pick of the Week Path of the Exile: Prelude Series A.R. Minion PreKOTOR: The one who will be the Exile teaches a young Mical a lesson. The biggest problem was word usage. As an example you used scrounged when describing Mical’s position on the ground, but the word means collected rather than anything a person feeling threatened would do. That isn’t the only time, but it was the most obvious. The characters, especially the masters, were well portrayed. It also does explain Bandon. Interlude – Young and in Love KnightOfThe Word Unspecified time: Even Sith fall in love The piece has some ripples caused by improper word usage in some places. All in all it was good work, especially the idea that these Sith at least are just folk like everyone else. The mother he never had. Revan Sama Post TSL: Revan dreams of the one he considered his mother. It was an interesting look at how a Padawan must feel about his or her master. Also one that suggests that as much as the Jedi eschew emotional ties, they are stronger than they realize. Forbidden love Revan Sama Post KOTOR: Revan considers what life will be like. A good look at Revan’s feelings for Bastila. The dichotomy of loving and knowing you shouldn’t is played well, and his decision to just love her and take his chances is perfect. Pick of the Week Crisis Disambiguation Gabrielle PostKOTOR: A dark side Revan escapes from confinement and meets another character we know. The piece flowed well, Revan is dark enough that you wonder about his sanity as well. Very well done. Pick of the Week Jedi Destiny, Chapter 1 DarthBubbles PostKOTOR: The heroes of the Star Forge try to settle back into their lives. The piece flowed well, everyone finding parts of their lives to pick up again. The way Bastila still worries about falling yet again is counter pointed by Revan’s love. One of those I wish I could read through completely. Pick of the Week. Krayt Freedom, Chapter 1 DarthBubbles 14 years PostKOTOR: When they’re not studying, they’re in a rock band? The idea that the son of Revan and Bastila would be a Jedi is a foregone conclusion, but to have him be lead singer in a Jedi Rock band? Choice! Pick of the Week One last dance Revan Sama PostKOTOR: Love unexpressed eats at them, will they ever just say it? The piece flowed well, the fact that both are unwilling to express their feelings is poignant. Pick of the Week. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kyr'am Galaar Posted July 13, 2009 Share Posted July 13, 2009 thanks for the advice. i'll try to do better. thanks again for the advice. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted July 17, 2009 Author Share Posted July 17, 2009 Coruscant Entertainment Center One Shot: Hungry ("Vremya" Redux) Tysyacha Post TSL: Bastila delivers an ultimatum to the Exile Having read the Vremya series all the way through, I know the characters very well. Demanding that the Exile tell her where Revan is a bit more like stalking than true love. Light Side Female Exile kotorfanmedia Nar Shaddaa - Part 1 BlueStar705 TSL on Nar Shaddaa: Finding Zez-Kai Ell won’t be easy. You lost my interest when you mentioned Earth. The Canon goes, ‘a long time ago, in a galaxy far far away’, so having Earth be a part of this galaxy doesn’t fit. You got it back when they entered the refugee sector however. The manner in which your characters got in, and allowed themselves to be captured to get to the boss was well done. Light Side Male Revan Crisis Connection Gabrielle PostKOTOR on Coruscant: Revan drags an unwilling Atton into his plans The piece flows relatively well. The differences between the different versions of naked were amusing. Acquisition Rotgutt PreKOTOR: Two apprentices arrive to woo a new member into the Jedi order… sort of. The piece is nice and dark. The ‘fight’ scene amusing in it’s own way. Unfortunately where I come from, this would be defined as kidnapping. All in all an interesting read, albeit short. Redemption ArchonDemetrus KOTOR aboard the Star Forge: Love can be used to heal The work flows well, and while it is one of the scenes done most often, it is always one of the good ones. The only thing I missed that might have made it better would have been having Revan more appalled by his actions when he did hit Bastila, but that is just me. Sleheyron: Welcome 343Panic KOTOR: A new Star Map on Sleheyron leads to some interesting events. Placing a Star Map on Sleheyron made for interesting events all by itself, but adding both Dustil and Yuthura to the mix guaranteed it. Between the Onasi boys arguing, Mission cheating at Pazzak and Yuthura deciding to take care of unfinished business the piece never stopped moving. Pick of the Week. A Smuggler's Story, Part 1, Endar Spire, Chapter 1 DarthBubbles KOTOR, Reprise of the Endar Spire: The scoundrel starts to settle in, making everyone else uncomfortable. DarthBubbles showed up last week twice, getting picks of the week, just the intro almost got another one. The story itself ran well. Having him try to fix a machine he knew nothing about was funny, and the interplay between him and Trask a riot. Pick of the Week Regret, Prologue & Chapter 1 AttonLover89 PostKOTOR enroute to Coruscant: Revan is plagued by visions of the past The problem I had as someone else commented, is the third person present flow. It works, but feels a bit uncomfortable. The piece is good and we would all assume that Revan would keep getting flash backs from his past. Reforged: Chapter 1 - So It Begins MasterZachSolo KOTOR aboard Endar Spire: The escape Except for the start, this was basically a generic retelling. The one part that bothered me was confiscating his weapons and that the first he knew was when he opened his locker. A Beautiful Sight Riddler PostKOTOR: Revan remembers the past few months This piece is basically a review of what had happened, and has already been exhaustively reviewed. The only comment I have is on the Gender. As much as every one keeps saying male is canon, I have yet to see anything specifically states that Revan is male. In fact in the Chronology of the Star Wars universe, when discussing Revan no personal pronouns were used., leaving it ambiguous. If someone has something actually authoritative, please let me know. The Man Forgotten, Chapter 1 Nitus PostKOTOR: Revan struggles with the one Sith he has yet to defeat… Himself. The piece started out well, and flowed to a logical conclusion with a single twist at the end. Saying goodbye is always the hardest part of the adventure. Reversal Riddler KOTOR aboard Ebon Hawk: Just tweak the characters a bit… The author cracked me up from the start, especially when Zaalbar explains that they were all suffering from being out of character. Having Revan ignore this when Bastila makes her move was choice, especially the explanation; ‘I’m a man, and while it’s wrong, I am going to take advantage of the situation’. Pick of the Week Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted July 24, 2009 Author Share Posted July 24, 2009 Coruscant Entertainment Center Wrong Place, Wrong Time, Wrong Place JediAthos Imperial Era: A serious of navigational errors. I think Darth Insidious ripped you up pretty good, so let me ease it down here: He is right that you have cumbersome sentences, but that is an editing problem. He was right about the Captain’s comment in that you could have done so much more with it, just as you could have done more with the interplay of the brothers. That is why I always advise rereading, editing and rewriting. Even if you’re trying to get it in before the deadline, try to do that at least once or twice. For that matter, try vocalizing the dialogue. Using that the ellipse does work better, but it is still a judgment call. Remember, you are the author, they’re your characters, not ours. You could never please all of us, so try to satisfy yourself first. The Unknown Planet Mandalore the Shadow KOTOR in pursuit of the Ebon Hawk: The Mandalorians arrive ahead of the Hawk, but to no avail. ‘Had left already’ should be ‘had already left’. Technical: Regardless of advances in medical science, they are not going to be cranking out robotic arms like flapjacks. As an example, modern prostheses take over a month for just design and manufacture, with two or more weeks for learning to work with it. The replacement as to be designed to match the natural arm in length, flexibility etc, then you have to program it so that it will mimic the natural arm. Not something you’re going to throw together in a few days. Melee is a definition for close combat including knives, swords, entrenching tools, clubs, rocks and fists. It is not a ‘weapon type’. If I had a gun and was attacked by a man with a sword, my pistol would be a ‘melee’ weapon. If I had a bayonet equipped rifle, it would also be a melee weapon. Saying he had a lot of experience with edged weapons puts it across more accurately. The piece had a lot of cumbersome sentences, making it difficult to read. It needed polish, and would have been excellent work with that extra effort. Haven Writer Imperial Era: A Navigational error takes the ship to a city hiding in the force. The writing is up to your normal standards, Writer. It’s good work worth looking at. If I voted, it would get one of mine. Pick of the Week Symmetry Salzella No specific era mentioned: Sometimes the best laid plans fall to simple stupidity. The rewind sounds were unnecessary, and detracted from the work. The flashbacks to see exactly what he had done wrong was well done, though standing there like a target facing 20 men was a bit much. ‘just like the movies! ‘ threw me off because it’s so Earth in concept. Using the word ‘holodrama’ would have been better, giving it a futuristic feel. The end was confusing because there is no explanation of who the others were. The work needed polishing, but is still pretty good. I would have voted for this one. Detour Chevron 7 Locke TSL enroute to Korriban: Pay attention when someone gives you coordinates! The piece flowed well, and I was smirking by the end. Playing by Nar Shaddaa rules was bad enough, but having it progress where I thought it did was enough to cause me to laugh. Another one I would have voted for. Pick of the Week From Error to Destiny Black Knight of Keno A year after ROTS: A misguided ship sets a ship’s captain on a new path. There were a couple of extra words where they weren’t needed, but that is an editing problem. It flowed relatively well though it was sparse on description. One problem, the Imperial navy didn’t exist four years before if it is a year since order 66. As Lazarus Contemplates the Ocean DarthInSidious No specific era given: A ship drifts, and dreams… The piece is interesting enough, though I am a bit old fashioned, and it confused me a bit. T.S Eliot was a good description as a predecessor, because his poetry always intrigued me; though I liked Kipling much more. Can’t really say anything about it, because as I have said before (About a year ago) I don’t fancy myself a poetry critic. kotorfanmedia Empty Riddler KOTOR aboard Star Forge: With Bastila dead, what does Revan have to live for? The piece surprised me for only a moment, but I felt a fierce joy at the end. It was like a cut and polished diamond. Pick of the Week Whispers of History BobGens001 PreKOTOR: Those who do not learn from history are doomed to repeat it. This blindsided me. I could see the historical relevance of the events, see the younger rebels reason for disagreeing, but at the same time could see why they resisted so fiercely. The characters I feel sad for were Revan and Vrook. If someone had been willing to explain why the Council refused to fight, perhaps the events of KOTOR would have never occurred. By the same token, if Revan had been willing to ask Vandar, the same could have been said. Pick of the Week It's in the Fade out... Leiko PostTSL: The main characters compare what they got to do, and the Exile comes out second best. I started off in this a little rocky. After all I had other stories to read. But thanks to the author I was giggling. I had not noticed there were no ‘fade to black’ screens on my games. Of course the distaff side of love wouldn’t get that slack. But I considered that maybe it would be even. But to discover it wasn’t, I nearly busted up that Revan got one, but the Exile didn’t. A riot! Pick of the Week Love and death Revan Sama PostKOTOR: The dark side still had a hold on her; so when it reaches out, she takes the ultimate step… The piece was short sweet, and gut wrenching. It flowed so well it was like a train wreck, you can’t look away. I loved the end because even if she had been used, she didn’t surrender herself. Pick of the Week. My shining stars Jedi Knight Revan PreKOTOR: The cast is getting together. The piece was too short to get a real feel for, though I liked your version of the main character. The way Trask reacted was atypical, but not too bad. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted July 31, 2009 Author Share Posted July 31, 2009 Coruscant Entertainment Center Secrets of the War Canderis PreKOTOR: A mercenary discovers a secret about the war… ‘Whatever was here, he wanted to be away from‘ would have been better as ‘Whatever was here, he wanted to be as far away from it as possible‘. ‘Blow right to the neck’ would have been better as ‘the blade right into his neck’. The work doesn’t flow well, but that is an editing problem to smooth out the rough edges. The basics are good, but any epidemic that moved that fast might panic the government into extreme measures, such as killing those who are ill. Technical note; a life pod that sealed you in and caused you to suffocate is counter productive. The assumptions (Logical) that you would have to make in design are: 1: The passengers might be unable to fend for themselves due to injury. Maybe there is an uninjured crewman, but that is not a given. 2: Take the passenger(s) to the nearest safe planet if possible. If not, drift in space and signal for rescue. As an example, if a crew abandoned ship in the space between Earth and Mars, the sensor systems would read a minimal atmosphere on the two nearest bodies (Mars and Luna) but a viable atmosphere on Earth. It would head for there. Mapping software would tell the same systems that 70% of the surface is water, therefore it would put itself into insertion for a ground landing. 3: Now assume it dropped them in an Alaskan winter. It would read a viable atmosphere, but extremely low temperatures. The system would then equalize atmosphere, and at the same time heat the incoming air, and keep the internal systems as close to comfortable as possible. 4: Assume a long wait. A pod should have enough life support to last anywhere from several days to a couple of weeks. Otherwise everyone dies long before help arrives. Welcome to the forum. I, Avenian Lord of Hunger PostKOTOR: A captured Sith tells of his own life Ease instead of easy. As for the term Revanchist; what are they regaining? The flow is going well, the basis of discovering people you should trust have been concealing things from you is well done. Building a massive change into the Jedi which led to the present day is also well done. NSW: Tysy's Cheesy Chess Songs! Tysyacha Non SW: To explain how chess pieces move, Tys sinks into songs All right, it worked, but as I said many times, Tys, I don’t critique songs or poems because as the old saying goes, when it comes to art, I don’t know good from bad, but I know what I like. The Lost Ones Yatsookey No specific era given: The Sith capture two men for unknown purposes… The piece is nicely foreboding, but not long enough to get a good idea of style. Welcome to the forum. A Soul Adrift Endorenna Reviewed originally 12 Sept of last year. That review follows: 8 years before the Battle of Naboo: On Ryloth a new birth may herald the future. This is an excellent first work. You and your Beta deserve commendations. The story is well laid out, the first chapter intriguing enough. Only one thing mars it. Ryloth is reportedly tidally locked, with the people living in caves along the terminator line. Welcome to the forum. Pick of the Week. I was asked to re-review this, so here goes… You forgot a conversation break or two, that is an editing problem. The piece is flowing well and again, I applaud both you and the beta reader. I only read to the 3rd page of the four, but what you’ve written to that point was outstanding. I am NOT giving you another pick of the week, primarily because if I had forgotten to read it you would have earned it already; the scene where she described ripping his spine while leaving the spinal cord intact was choice. The fight scene in the warehouse room didn’t sit well only because as anyone who has fought at odds will tell you, getting into the middle of them is the best way to do it. Anyone who you can hit is the enemy, and any attacks you deflect only hit your enemies. The only way it would have worked would be for her to at least pick up a weapon with some standoff range; a pistol or rifle. Very good work as I said once before, and as your first attempt it worked even better. Mandalore Wars: Valour Lord Spitfire PreKOTOR: The battles rage on Dxun and Onderon The writing is well done as always LS, though I had problems with some of the scenes you created. Both the Jedi and the civilian forcibly recruited into the Onderonian army seemed a bit shallow to me. My main complaint is in the technical notes below. Technical note: You described the reinforcements as approximately two million ground forces, including battle droids with twenty thousand fighters, and twenty thousand pilots for those fighters, a hundred dropships, 5500 Jedi, and twelve tank divisions’ The problem is, at no time during their history has a number greater than 10,000 been used as the number of Jedi combined (Including younglings, Padawan, Knights and Masters) Yet you claim a force equal to those already landed so you have more Jedi than all of the order during most of it‘s history if the Colonel‘s numbers were accurate concerning his own force on landing. You also have an army twice as large as the Grand Army of the Republic, which at the start of the Clone wars stood at 2.5 million. Assault forces are always the smallest number of any army. As an example, combining the US Marine Corps (Less than half a million) and the Army units that assaulted various islands and later Europe, you have less than the 2.5 million of the GAR. Assault troops are the most highly motivated, and unfortunately, the ones who take the worst casualties. kotorfanmedia Light Side Female Revan The Dress Tatooine92 PostKOTOR: Carth… In search of a dress? The piece is well written, flowing from point to point like a gentle river, and having Carth choose because of an old dream makes sense when you picture Revan in the garment. Very well done. Pick of the Week Scars Tatooine92 KOTOR aboard Ebon Hawk: Remember to lock the door… The piece started out so fun and serious, then degenerated into farce. Way too much fun. Pick of the Week Light Side Female Exile Jedi & the Scoundrel - Ch. 1 LyricAngel TSL Aboard Ebon Hawk: An unexpected encounter… The piece was fun and fluff, with a shower scene that had me giggling at the end. I’m not sure which reaction made me laugh harder, Atton’s or Liara’s. Pick of the Week The Origins of Shmooey SaturdayInAugust Ebon Hawk after Tatooine: Mission picked the wrong time to ask about a pet. The scenes started out well, but the middle dragged a bit. The idea that right in the middle of clearing the gizka from the ship Mission would ask to keep one for a pet was a bit much after cataloguing everything they had done. Dark Side Male Exile Verdict on a Lost Jedi Jaina Solo PreTSL: The Exile’s sentence affects more than just him. The story flowed well, the Dark Exile and Revan matched and Revan‘s reaction to the sentencing perfect. I shudder to think of any Jedi captured from this point on. Pick of the Week Light Side Male Revan Wicked chapter 1/2: Acknowledgement Revan Sama Ten years PreKOTOR: The Exile both loathes and admires Revan. The piece was well written, the scenes flowing from love to hate back to love without an unnecessary ripple. 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Lord Spitfire Posted August 2, 2009 Share Posted August 2, 2009 Coruscant Entertainment Center Mandalore Wars: Valour Lord Spitfire PreKOTOR: The battles rage on Dxun and Onderon The writing is well done as always LS, though I had problems with some of the scenes you created. Both the Jedi and the civilian forcibly recruited into the Onderonian army seemed a bit shallow to me. My main complaint is in the technical notes below. Technical note: You described the reinforcements as approximately two million ground forces, including battle droids with twenty thousand fighters, and twenty thousand pilots for those fighters, a hundred dropships, 5500 Jedi, and twelve tank divisions’ The problem is, at no time during their history has a number greater than 10,000 been used as the number of Jedi combined (Including younglings, Padawan, Knights and Masters) Yet you claim a force equal to those already landed so you have more Jedi than all of the order during most of it‘s history if the Colonel‘s numbers were accurate concerning his own force on landing. You also have an army twice as large as the Grand Army of the Republic, which at the start of the Clone wars stood at 2.5 million. Assault forces are always the smallest number of any army. As an example, combining the US Marine Corps (Less than half a million) and the Army units that assaulted various islands and later Europe, you have less than the 2.5 million of the GAR. Assault troops are the most highly motivated, and unfortunately, the ones who take the worst casualties. Thanks for clearing that up; I don't really know much about how the Republic military works in Star Wars, so I could be wrong . . . I'll try to fix it best I can. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Endorenna Posted August 2, 2009 Share Posted August 2, 2009 Coruscant Entertainment Center A Soul Adrift Endorenna Reviewed originally 12 Sept of last year. That review follows: 8 years before the Battle of Naboo: On Ryloth a new birth may herald the future. This is an excellent first work. You and your Beta deserve commendations. The story is well laid out, the first chapter intriguing enough. Only one thing mars it. Ryloth is reportedly tidally locked, with the people living in caves along the terminator line. Welcome to the forum. Pick of the Week. I was asked to re-review this, so here goes… You forgot a conversation break or two, that is an editing problem. The piece is flowing well and again, I applaud both you and the beta reader. I only read to the 3rd page of the four, but what you’ve written to that point was outstanding. I am NOT giving you another pick of the week, primarily because if I had forgotten to read it you would have earned it already; the scene where she described ripping his spine while leaving the spinal cord intact was choice. The fight scene in the warehouse room didn’t sit well only because as anyone who has fought at odds will tell you, getting into the middle of them is the best way to do it. Anyone who you can hit is the enemy, and any attacks you deflect only hit your enemies. The only way it would have worked would be for her to at least pick up a weapon with some standoff range; a pistol or rifle. Very good work as I said once before, and as your first attempt it worked even better. Thanks for going over it again! I see what you're saying about the warehouse fight--I'll keep that in mind next time I'm writing a battle. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted August 2, 2009 Author Share Posted August 2, 2009 Thanks for clearing that up; I don't really know much about how the Republic military works in Star Wars, so I could be wrong . . . I'll try to fix it best I can. I wrote my own Dxun memories using WWII as a basis and the battle of Guadalcanal as a pattern. Fighting a war on a galactic scale, just like that war, you can't apply all of your force at one place. That is why I only had 80 Jedi out of 1500 assigned there. Both battles were fought for only one reason; to prove to both sides that the attackers could take on the best the enemy had at that time and beat them. Both were also extended campaigns, with neither side fighting with population centers to protect or attack, since it seems that house to house fighting (The hardest form of combat) is not normally done. The Mandalorians (As both I and Karen Traviss envision them) do not attack cities just because they are there. It would seem that open cities is more the norm, you do not defend, they do not attack, civilians are left alone, merely a change in management. That is why the Republic later in the clone wars thought just over two million soldiers would be sufficient on a Galactic level. Thanks for going over it again! I see what you're saying about the warehouse fight--I'll keep that in mind next time I'm writing a battle. Just keep doing it, kid. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kado Sunrider Posted August 2, 2009 Share Posted August 2, 2009 hey mach, do i have to specially request a re-review? Either way, would you mind reading through Renewal for me? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted August 3, 2009 Author Share Posted August 3, 2009 hey mach, do i have to specially request a re-review? Either way, would you mind reading through Renewal for me? If you want me to re-review I will. However I will do a full 'teacher' review of it if I feel it needs to be so. Now question, do you want that? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kado Sunrider Posted August 3, 2009 Share Posted August 3, 2009 yes sir! Always looking for a good critique. I have no problem with you scrutinizing my work. Have at it! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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