The Sith Lord

[Master Jimmy]

I liked it, and every other chapter I read

[Diego Varen]

I liked it, and every other chapter I read

 

Thanks Revanscool.

[The_Catto]

Another enjoyable chapter, when you said old friend i didt know who to expect lol .. anywa .. good work once again

[JediMaster12]

I know. Thanks for the advice. If it weren't for you, I wouldn't have put so much effort in my Fics.

I am touched. Really.

Another good chapter and a nice little plot twist. I just posted another chapter to Heart of the Guardian. I've got a few surprises in store

[Niner_777]

Nice job. Good chapter.

[Diego Varen]

I am touched. Really.

Another good chapter and a nice little plot twist. I just posted another chapter to Heart of the Guardian. I've got a few surprises in store

 

Thanks. Both to you, Niner and Mr_BFA. I read the Chapter of HOTG and it is good. I usually have Revan as a Male and Exile as a Female. I never thought Revan sounded like a Female.

[Diego Varen]

I'm currently writing Chapter IX.

[Diego Varen]

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Chapter IX

The Assault on Yavin IV

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There was a disturbance in the Force. Malus could feel it. Kyle had a new apprentice. Malus decided to be extra cautious of Kyle and anyone he was with. Officer Starkiller approached Malus. RedHawke and Caos were also there.

“You summoned me my lord.” Officer Starkiller told Malus.

“Yes, I want you to prepare an army to invade Yavin IV.” Malus told Officer Starkiller.

“When for?” Officer Starkiller asked.

“When I tell you,” Malus told him, “Now RedHawke, I want you to go to Yavin IV and scout the area. If any Jedi notice you, kill them.”

“Yes my lord.” RedHawke said.

RedHawke left to go to Yavin IV. Malus knew that RedHawke was up to something.

 

The rise of dawn appeared on Yavin IV. Kiara had woken up earlier to train herself while Kyle, Luke and the other Jedi were asleep. Kiara decided to go out and take a walk around Yavin IV. She hadn’t been away from the Academy, since she’d been there.

 

RedHawke landed on Yavin IV. He got out of his Tie Fighter and explored Yavin IV. He had landed a mile away from the Academy. In the distance, he saw a young woman walking. RedHawke noticed a Lightsaber in her belt. He got out his Lightsaber and ran towards the woman. The woman immediately got out her purple Lightsaber and blocked RedHawke’s attack. RedHawke passed the woman. The woman became suspicious.

“Whoever that was, come on out!” She shouted, “Nobody messes with Kiara Tann.”

“Really?” RedHawke asked, igniting his Lightsaber.

Both Kiara and RedHawke ran towards each other, fighting with their lives. Their Lightsabers clashed together. RedHawke pushed Kiara backwards, causing her to fall over. RedHawke prepared to stab her, but she leapt back avoiding the Lightsaber. She ran off. RedHawke knew she would tell the Academy that a Sith had tried to attack her. Perhaps Kiara thought it was Malus. If she did, RedHawke had an advantage. RedHawke decided to return to the Echo, to tell Malus of his failure.

 

Kiara saw Kyle and Luke, who were already up, training against each other. She ran up towards them.

“Kyle, Master Skywalker, a Sith Lord has just attacked me and…”

“Slow down Kiara,” Kyle told her, “Tell me exactly what happened.”

“Well, I was out for a walk and I was attacked by a Sith Lord?” Kiara told him.

“Was it Jaden?” Kyle asked.

“I don’t think so, “Kiara told him, “He looked nothing like him.”

“Perhaps it is an apprentice of his.” Kyle told her.

“I sense Jaden will attack the Academy,” Luke told them, “Rosh was right, we must prepare to leave the Academy, before it’s too late.”

“Listen Luke, I’m not leaving without a fight.” Kyle told Luke.

“Okay Kyle, but we must leave soon.” Luke told Kyle.

 

RedHawke landed on the Echo. Caos greeted him. He didn’t look too pleased with RedHawke.

“What are you doing here?” Caos asked bitterly.

“I must see Lord Malus.” RedHawke answered back.

Malus came to greet RedHawke.

“I sense your failure RedHawke.” Malus told RedHawke.

“I know my lord,” RedHawke told Malus, trying to look like he weren’t lying, “I submit any punishment you give.”

“There is no time for punishment,” Malus told RedHawke, “And besides, it was Kyle’s new apprentice. That is the reason why she survived. For now, I shall lead an army to the Academy. Meanwhile I want both you and Caos to steal Luke’s journals.”

“What for my lord?” Caos asked.

“What do you think?” Malus asked, his voice rising, “In Luke’s journals are several Old Republic bases on Planets unknown to the Republic. If I can find them, then I can take them over and make the Imperial Remnant stronger.”

“Right my lord.” Caos said.

“Caos and I shall do as you ask.” RedHawke added.

“Excellent.” Malus said.

 

Kyle, Jan, Luke and Kiara prepared to fight, along with the other Jedi and the New Republic army. They had set up a small defence around the base and were waiting for the Imperial Remnant to attack. Thanks to the New Republic, they had set up a shield that covered the whole Academy. The Imperial Remnant was sure taking their time in attacking the Academy. All everyone had to do now was to wait for the Imperial Remnant to attack.

 

The Imperial Remnant landed on Yavin IV. RedHawke and Caos had landed behind the Academy. Malus and his army landed near the Academy, but not to near just so they weren’t seen. His army was a large legion of Stormtroopers, eight AT-STs and four AT-ATs. Malus slowly walked towards the Academy, with his army following him.

 

Meanwhile, RedHawke and Caos had entered in the back way of the Academy. Luckily for them, the Jedi and the New Republic hadn’t guarded the back way. They had only guarded the front.

“Get the journals,” RedHawke whispered, “I’ll disable the security.”

Caos decided not to argue and he crept through the Academy, being careful in case any security systems hadn’t been turned off or if anyone else were protecting the Academy. Malus had told them that Luke’s journals were in his chamber at the top of the Academy. Soon Caos entered the chamber. The journals were on Luke’s table. Caos grabbed it and he left to meet up with RedHawke. As soon as he returned to RedHawke, they left the Academy and returned to the Echo to wait for Malus to return.

 

“Fire!” Malus shouted at the AT-ATs.

The AT-ATs started shooting, however the shots disappeared. There must be a shield, Malus thought angrily, The Jedi were very resourceful indeed. Malus stopped the AT-ATs from firing and Malus decided to go inside the shield along with the Stormtroopers. They immediately flanked the Jedi and the New Republic. Many Troops on each side died. Malus ran towards Kyle’s new apprentice and attacked her. Malus noticed Kyle immediately saw his apprentice being attacked and ran towards Malus and stopped him. They talked as they fought.

“Your new apprentice is strong my Master,” Malus told Kyle, “Maybe I can turn her to the dark side.”

“You’ve truly fallen far.” Kyle added.

“You say that all the time, but you know I’ve become much stronger than you, much stronger than Master Skywalker.” Malus told Kyle.

Malus knew that RedHawke and Caos had completed their task. Malus used the Force to push Kyle and Malus ran off.

“Destroy them all!” Malus shouted to his army as he left.

Malus returned to his shuttle and left Yavin IV. There were other places Malus must go to, to increase their power in the Galaxy.

 

Stay tuned for Chapter X Zaloriis

[Jason Skywalker]

Good one as usual.Zaloris,is that a planet or a person?

[Diego Varen]

Good one as usual.Zaloris,is that a planet or a person?

 

I own the old PC game, Star Wars Galactic Battlegrounds Saga (Includes the orignal Galactic Battlegrounds and it's expansion pack Clone Campaigns). On the Galactic Empire Campaign starring Darth Vader, there is a level where you go to Zaloris, a Planet that rebelled against the Empire after the Battle of Yavin. The first part of the next Chapter will have information on the Planet. I think GB is the original Battlefront.

[Diego Varen]

I've just realised I spelt Zaloris wrong. It is Zaloriis. I'm writing Chapter X now. It will include a side of A4 of information of Zaloriis (Because it doesn't let me copy from the game) and some information from Wikipedia.

[The_Catto]

nice chapter once again, but wouldve liked a bit more action in the fighting sequence, but its good all the same

[Jae Onasi]

I've read through it, and had some thoughts on things to improve (none of which are a huge deal) and things I like.

 

First, make sure to add more line breaks. Double space between each change of speaker when you're doing dialog. It makes it much easier to follow when reading online, especially for those of us with 'older eyes'.

 

I saw a comment that you or someone else thought there was too much dialog--I think it's almost impossible to have too much dialog--it's the characters who should be telling the story as much as possible, describing things, figuring out problems, telling each other solutions, that sort of thing. Obviously you can't describe a good chunk of battle sequences that way, but feel free to let your characters do the descriptions. I'm glad to see you using more dialog.

 

You assume that everyone knows who Jaden and Kyle are, and in a SW fanfic forum, you can sort of get away with that. However, I haven't played Jedi Academy (it won't load on my laptop! ), so I don't know them at all. Make sure to describe your characters a bit in the first few chapters so we can all have an idea of who your characters are.

 

Make sure also that your characters are doing things that make sense and that are in keeping with their personalities. Even Sith Lords don't kill just for the sake of killing--they need to conserve their personnel resources just like anyone else, so they're not going to kill indiscriminantly. Now if you tick a Sith Lord off, that's a different story.

 

You have a lot of action in your stories, and I can tell you're learning to slow down the pace a little so we can keep up as readers. Keep slowing it down a bit more--the best way to do that is to describe everything in greater detail. For instance, you write in the latest 'Many Troops on both sides died.' How did they die? Did they die in clumps or scattered across the battlefield? Were there any smells of smoke, burning flesh, fire, chemicals? What kinds of sounds were there? People screaming in pain, soldiers yelling orders over the noise of blaster fire, ATATs pounding the ground? What does the battlefield look like? Hilly? Flat? Muddy? Smooth? Is there anything in the terrain that could affect the fighting abilities of one side or the other? That's not a request to change that particular sentence, btw--just something to think about as you write your next chapters. I want to see it the way you see it, because I'm sure it's a very interesting picture!

 

The story itself is fun, and I noticed some more variation in sentence structure than in your previous works, which helps make the writing more interesting to read. There is never a dull moment in your stories because of all the things that are happening.

So, keep going!

[Diego Varen]

Thanks Jae. I think if I have time, I may edit some Chapters and describe Kyle, Jaden and all the other Characters who some may not know from JA. Battles are a bit boring when I write them (It's because I don't write very good Battles). The dialogue is set out like it is, because I've read books and that is how they're set out. But if you want in my next Fic, I shall do that. If I write a Fic after this one, everything shall be improved. Hopefully.

[Diego Varen]

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Chapter X

Zaloriis

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Malus returned to the Echo. He went to his throne room. Officer Starkiller entered the throne room. He held Luke’s journals in his hand. He handed them over to Malus.

“My lord, Caos and RedHawke found the journals you wanted.” He told Malus.

“Thank you Officer,” Malus told him, “Now get out of my sight.”

As Officer Starkiller left, Malus opened the datapad containing the journals. It had information on many Planets, including Hoth, Endor, Coruscant and many more. Malus flicked through the journals, until he found a Planet he didn’t recognise. Zaloriis. Malus decided to see what information Luke had on the Planet. The journal on Zaloriis opened up.

 

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Zaloriis

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Zaloris is a desert world. The first AT-AT walker was invented there. It formally declared it's independence during the Rebellion Era, but Lord Vader denied the request and proceeded to liberate the AT-AT facilities as well as crush the militia and Rebels there.

 

The desolate Planet of Zaloriis is notable only for its role in the production of the Imperial All-Terrain Armoured-Transports. General Veers worked extensively to improve and update the Walker design, but his research was interrupted by a Rebel uprising.

 

Zaloriis City is considered the main settlement, but even that is not a popilar destination on the barren sandy rock. The high winds of Zaloriis keep life to a minimum, but the sheltering boulders of the Fantain Mountais harbour smaller creatures and rock lions. Legends speak of dune ghosts that wander the wastes at night and of travellers who never return from their journies. The natives respect the open deserts and keep well away from them, clustering in small outposts connected by well-travelled roads.

 

The Imperials recognized the value of the Zaloriians fear-it allowed them to establish a research base out in the desert, with little concern for prying eyes. In fact, their test vehicles often bolstered the legends and tell-tales, as wanderers spotted the strange technologies being tested and reported back-exaggerated accounts at the local tavern. One tale that amused the Imperial counter-spy network involved a man being confronted by a wheezing so-foot dune-low, with giant tusks and a grey reptilian hide. Back at the research base, the prototype Walker was quickly rechristened “Dune Cow”.

 

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End of Data

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Malus closed the datapad. He put it in his pocket. Once Luke gets these journals back, he will have to update Zaloriis with my adventures there, Malus thought. He went to his shuttle, along with a small legion of Stormtroopers. The New Republic wouldn’t have a big defence on a harsh desert Planet, such as Zaloriis. As the shuttle prepared to land on Zaloriis, Malus noticed the old abandoned research base, where Darth Vader was once inspecting the AT-ATs.

“Pilot, land in that old research base!” Malus shouted across the shuttle.

“Yes my lord.” The pilot said, changing his course.

The journal did say that the research base was away from prying eyes. Malus hoped it still was. The shuttle landed inside the research base and Malus and his army got out.

“I need two scouts to check out the area,” Malus told them, “As soon as you find out something, return here immediately.”

Two of the Stormtroopers got on a Speeder Bike and sped off into the unknown.

 

Several hours later, the two Stormtroopers returned. They walked up to Malus.

“Lord Malus, we have all the information you requested.” One of the Stormtroopers told Malus.

“A Twi’lek Jedi Knight known as Farra Koo is protecting Zaloriis City under Luke Skywalker’s command.” The other Stormtrooper continued.

“Excellent work,” Malus told them, “Now we shall invade Zaloriias City.”

Several more shuttles landed, with eight AT-ATs and sixteen AT-STs. Malus led the way to Zaloriias City. As he led the army, he thought about Farra. When Malus was a Jedi, they were close friends. But ever since Malus fell to the dark side, he hadn’t seen her since. Perhaps he could turn her to the dark side.

 

Farra Koo was mediating inside the large Command Center in Zaloriias City. She had been on Zaloriias, since the Battle on Korriban. She was a surviour from that Battle. She was meditating, thinking on the past. Zaloriias was quite a boring place to be for a Jedi. Especially for a Jedi who liked going out, making a difference in the Galaxy. Here she had to protect the military and the citizens of Zaloriias City. To her, that wasn’t making a difference. Suddenly, she stopped mediating. She heard noises from outside. It sounded like screams of civilians and blaster shots from the military. Farra looked out to see the Imperial Remnant attacking Zaloriias City. They were being led by Malus. Farra immediately ran towards the communications array and spoke.

“Attention citizens of Zaloriias City! Please remain inside your homes!”

Farra could see all the citizens running into their homes, dodging Stormtrooper fire or anything else that tried to kill them.

 

Down below, Malus ran through the City. The Zaloriias Military tried to stop Malus, but he killed them all. They fell to the floor like paper. As Malus killed the last Trooper, he sensed Farra Koo inside the Command Center. Malus leapt up to the Command Center and entered. Farra Koo was about to ignite her Lightsaber, but Malus gripped her.

“If you want to live Farra, join me.” Malus told her.

“I’ll never join you,” She told Malus confidently, “After what you’ve become.”

Malus tightened his grip on her. She choked even more.

“I think you should reconsider.” Malus warned her.

Farra noticed a red glow in Malus’ left eye. The dark side had consumed him. Farra tried to struggle out of the grip, but Malus held her too strong.

“I’ll give you one last chance.” Malus warned Farra, getting impatient.

Farra knew she shouldn’t join the dark side, but she didn’t want to die and she had always wanted power. She had kept it secret from Luke. Besides Jaden was once her friend. She didn’t want to lose that friendship.

“I… I shall join you.” She choked.

Malus loosened his grip on her and let her go.

“Good,” Malus told her, “From now on, you shall be known as Darth Gevallen.”

“Thank you my lord.” She said finally.

She got up and Malus gave her a large bomb that would destroy the entire City.

“Set this and then we shall leave.” Malus told her.

“Yes my lord.” She told Malus.

Gevallen set the bomb in the middle of the room and set it. Gevallen knew it would take five minutes to leave the City. She set the bomb to explode after five minutes.

“Excellent,” Malus said, “Now we must leave.”

“Wait my lord,” Gevallen told Malus, “I can tell the Military that I’m taking you away into custody out of the city, then they won’t suspect a thing.”

Malus liked the plan. Gevallen led Malus out of the Command Center and through the City. The Military saw Gevallen leading Malus out.

“Lady Koo, where are you taking our Sith friend?” The leader asked.

“I’m taking him away into custody.” Gevallen told him.

The Military left Malus and Gevallen alone. Malus and Gevallen left the City and waited for the detonation of Zaloriias City. Malus and Gevallen left Zaloriias and returned to the Echo. From there, Malus, Caos, Gevallen and RedHawke watched the detonation of Zaloriias City. Malus felt excitement burning in his heart as he felt the City be destroyed, along with the Military and the citizens who also perished. It felt great.

 

On Yavin IV, as the Jedi and the New Republic were clearing up the mess from the attack on the Academy, Luke felt the deaths of so many people. It was from Zaloriias. Luke also felt the loss of a Jedi. A Jedi who had fell to the dark side. A Jedi that Luke had trained. Farra Koo. Kiara came over to see him.

“Is something wrong Master?” She asked.

“The deaths of so many people,” Luke told her, “And a loss from our Order.”

Kyle heard Kiara and Luke talking. He walked over to them.

“What loss?” He asked.

“The loss of a great Jedi,” Luke told him, “Farra Koo has been converted to the dark side.”

Kyle knew Luke felt despair. Luke knew dark times were ahead.

 

Stay tuned for Chapter XI Memories

 

PS: Gevallen is Dutch for Fallen.

[Diego Varen]

Name: RedHawke

Species: Human

Eye Colour: Dark Brown

Hair Colour: None

Class: Sith Lord

Favourite Weapon(s): Lightsaber

Lightsaber Colour(s): Red

Favourite Ship(s): The Echo

Favourite Force Power(s): Force Camouflage

Master(s): Desann/Tavion/Darth Malus

Apprentice(s): None

Homeworld: Unknown

Political Affiliation: Sith/Imperial Remnant

Allies: Sith/Imperial Remnant

Enemies: New Republic/Jedi Order

 

Name: Darth Gevallen (Farra Koo)

Species: Twi’lek

Eye Colour: Brown

Hair Colour: None

Class: Jedi Knight/Sith Assassin

Favourite Weapon(s): Saberstaff

Lightsaber Colour(s): Red

Favourite Ship(s): The Echo/X-Wing/Tie Fighter

Favourite Force Power(s): Force Drain

Master(s): Luke Skywalker/Darth Malus

Apprentice(s): None

Homeworld: Ryloth

Political Affiliation: Jedi Order

Allies: New Republic/Jedi Order

Enemies: Imperial Remnant/Sith

 

Name: Rosh Penin

Species: Human

Eye Colour: Brown

Hair Colour: Black

Class: Force Ghost

Homeworld: Yavin IV

[Jae Onasi]

Thanks Jae. I think if I have time, I may edit some Chapters and describe Kyle, Jaden and all the other Characters who some may not know from JA. Battles are a bit boring when I write them (It's because I don't write very good Battles). The dialogue is set out like it is, because I've read books and that is how they're set out. But if you want in my next Fic, I shall do that. If I write a Fic after this one, everything shall be improved. Hopefully.

 

Nothing wrong with emulating (not copying!) someone else's style in well-written works, and the EU books are at least entertaining, if not Pulitzer prize winners. I'm not complaining, mind you, and I'm not trying to be offensive with constructive critiques. It's not as fun to have the 'areas to improve' pointed out like it is the good or fun stuff. Nor are the things I commented on 'bad', they are just areas to make better. I do that because I know you have the ample ability and desire to learn from those comments and improve, because I've seen your writing improve as you've been going along.

Writing takes time to develop, too. The writing I did as a freshman in high school was very different from the writing I do now, but I had to do a lot of writing along the way to learn and improve. Boy, did I have to do a lot. Some of my freshman high school writing was atrocious--you're way ahead of where I was at the same age. I'm _still_ learning! Believe it or not, the writing you do here will help in your regular studies, and vice versa. You can't lose there, even if you don't like school.

 

I find battle scenes challenging myself--how do you take a very fluid scene with action happening all over the place and condense all that down into words on a page? It's tough. If battles are boring, spice them up a bit. Make the good guys or bad guys do something totally unexpected that surprises everyone and makes them have to react in a novel way. Your battle scenes are not bad, btw. I think they can be pretty intense sometimes, and I like intense battle scenes where I can feel like I'm in the middle of the action and have to duck with the character.

[Jason Skywalker]

I'll read this tomorrow.Hope ya don't mind.

[Diego Varen]

No I don't mind.

[Niner_777]

Wow, I've been gone for awhile, lol. I'll have to read it later also.

[Diego Varen]

Wow, I've been gone for awhile, lol. I'll have to read it later also.

 

Okay. Just to let you know, most of the next Chapter will just be parts from JA. This is a Chapter for those who don't know about JA.

[Diego Varen]

Also, once I finish this Fanfic (Which won't be for a while yet), I may write an alternative ending if anyone wants it.

[Jae Onasi]

Okay. Just to let you know, most of the next Chapter will just be parts from JA. This is a Chapter for those who don't know about JA.

 

Just work little parts from JA into your story every now and then when it's relevent (and if you start a new fic based on JA, put some explanation into your initial chapters)--you don't have to make an entire chapter on JA. Heh, besides, I really want to see what you're going to do with Darth Malus next, you know. Poor Luke, all his Jedi turn to the dark side.

[Diego Varen]

Just work little parts from JA into your story every now and then when it's relevent (and if you start a new fic based on JA, put some explanation into your initial chapters)--you don't have to make an entire chapter on JA. Heh, besides, I really want to see what you're going to do with Darth Malus next, you know. Poor Luke, all his Jedi turn to the dark side.

 

Yeah he spends all his time and effort in building an Academy and half of them fall to the dark side. Kyle and Rosh have had their fair shares of the dark side as well.

[JediMaster12]

Nice two chapters Pottsie. Jae is right about the battles. The funny thing is that I can see the images in my head when I think about it or let my mind drift. I can see the smoke, the fire, the bodies, the bleakened landscape pockmarked by blast fire. The destroyed ship and an occassional explosion. The dirt and the noise everywhere in the air and you feel like you have to shout just to be heard. Sometimes the best way to describe battles is to look at paintings of battles and imprint the colors and images in your head. Don't tell anyone but I watch a TON of war movies, some maybe forty times already. Use the imagination that's what it's there for; the place where you develop the strangest of things like Bessy the Purple Cow (don't ask).

 

On a side note: I was a sucker for the female Revan romance so, ya know. The Exile I thought to be more manly. That said and done, thanks for reading. Will have a new chapter up soon.