The Sith Lord

[Diego Varen]

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Chapter XI

Memories

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Caos and Gevallen prepared to train against each other, with RedHawke watching them. Malus decided to relax. He went to his chamber and meditated. He started to think on his past in the Academy.

 

“We’ll be arriving at the Academy in just a few minutes!” The Rebel driver announced over the Academy shuttle.

A few minutes. For Jaden Korr, that was alright, however he had a secret, which he didn’t want to tell. It had started a while ago on Coruscant where he was a Promising Student. He was never a Jedi, however he had built a Lightsaber without any specific training. Another eager student interrupted his thoughts.

“That would be so great…” He shouted down the corridor of the Jedi Academy’s shuttles. Everyone ignored him. Including Jaden.

“Aren’t you excited?” He shouted at Jaden, “We’re going to be Jedi, using the Force , building a Lightsaber…” He stopped in his tracks as he saw Jaden’s Lightsaber. “Of course you already have one, I’m going to get one of those stupid training Sabers and…”

“I wouldn’t worry about that.” Jaden interrupted.

“Aren’t you I mean why would you be? You already have a Lightsaber and you’re probably way ahead of me, I’m Rosh Penin by the way.” The student said, “Ahem what’s you’re name.”

“Jaden Korr.” Jaden said.

“So where did you get that Lightsaber?” Rosh asked.

“Well it is kind of a long story, I found myself on…” Jaden said, but a loud bang attacked the shuttle.

The shuttle started to land down on Yavin IV’s surface.

 

That was the day Jaden and Rosh became Jedi. It was also the day they met Luke and Kyle. Malus thought on his life more.

 

On Hoth, Jaden had just encountered Alora, Tavion’s Twi’lek apprentice. Jaden entered the abandoned hangar of Echo Base to see Alora talking to her Master on her Comlink.

“Yes Master, Dagobah,” She said, “Skywalker didn’t mention it in his journals. He must have been trying to protect something.”

She turned her Comlink off, feeling Jaden’s prescence behind her.

“You must be that wielding trouble maker that killed our perimeter guard,” Alora told Jaden, “Is the Jedi so stretched they send children to defeat the Disciples of Ragnos?”

Jaden ignited his yellow Lightsaber and ran towards Alora. Alora immediately ignited her red Lightsaber, blocking Jaden’s attack. They fought for several minutes, attacking and blocking each other’s attacks. Alora pushed Jaden backwards and tried to stab him, however he rolled over to the side, avoiding Alora’s attack. Jaden leapt up and ran towards Alora. They fought again until Alora leapt onto a rock and then on a pipe. Jaden had followed her from behind and had stayed on the rock.

“We’ll meet again welp!” Alora told Jaden.

She left the hangar.

“I can’t wait.” Jaden commented.

 

That was Malus’ first encounter with Alora.

 

In Bast Castle on Vjun, Jaden ran in a room to see Rosh. He had the scepter in his hand. He turned around to see Jaden.

“I sense your prescence Jaden.” Rosh told Jaden.

“Rosh? What are you doing here?” Jaden asked.

“The Disciples of Ragnos brought me,” Rosh told Jaden, “At first I thought they were going to kill me. But I was wrong about them.”

Jaden couldn’t believe what he was hearing.

“Do you realise how much power there is in the dark side?” Rosh continued, “Kyle was holding us back Jaden, you should feel the power. It’s beyond anything you’ve ever imagined.”

“Rosh what are you saying?” Jaden asked, “You’re a Jedi.”

Rosh fell to the floor thinking. His two servants came up to him.

“No…” Rosh started, “I’m a…”

“Enough talk!” The servant shouted.

“Rosh destroy this puny Jedi so we can complete our task!” The other servant shouted at Rosh.

“Yes,” Rosh said finally, “If you’re too weak to join us Jaden. Then we can’t let you stand in our way.”

He ignited his new red Lightsaber and Jaden ignited his yellow Lightsaber. They ran towards each other attacking each other. Occasionally, Rosh’s servants tried to heal him, but Jaden threw his Lightsaber at them. They were killed and Rosh was alone. Jaden and Rosh fought for several more minutes, until Jaden caught Rosh off guard and Rosh tripped up. This was Jaden’s first touch with the dark side. He was about to kill Rosh until Kyle stopped Jaden. Kyle ran towards them.

“Kyle… I…” Rosh started, but was interrupted.

A burst of Lightning tripped Kyle up.

“Did you think I’d give up my new apprentice so easily?” A woman asked, pulling the scepter towards her.

“Tavion.” Kyle commented.

“You should have killed me when you had the chance Katarn,” Tavion told him, “Your pathetic mercy is a weakness that shall cost you your life. And the life of your Academy’s students.”

She looked at Rosh.

“But not you my dear Rosh. Come.” She told Rosh.

“Yes Tavion.” Rosh said.

“Rosh no!” Jaden shouted.

“Fool, your petty friendship can not compete with the power of the dark side.” Tavion told Jaden.

“So is this what it’s come too Tavion?” Kyle asked, “Stealing scraps of the Force like some intergalactic parasite.”

“Spare me your self-righteous pity Katarn!” Tavion shouted, “You may have shamed me when you spared my life. But that was before I found this. Now I have a new Master. One who has promised me the power to destroy you and all the Jedi.”

“Ragnos?” Kyle asked, “What can a dead Sith Lord give you?”

“Everything I have ever wanted, “Tavion told Kyle, “Not that you’ll be around to see.”

Jaden threw his Lightsaber and Tavion noticed it. She used the scepter to destroy the Lightsaber and the ceiling. Tavion and Rosh escaped, while Kyle tried to hold the rocks up. Jaden used Kyle’s Lightsaber to break through the floor.

“I can’t keep this up for long.” Kyle commented.

“Hold on.” Jaden told him.

Jaden finished cutting the hole and him and Kyle dropped through the hole.

 

Malus stopped thinking about his past. His memories as a Jedi were useful. Thanks to the Jedi, he had fallen to the dark side and now he wielded the power that Tavion and Marka Ragnos would never have. Malus decided to attack the heart of the Republic. Coruscant. His homeworld.

 

Stay tuned for Chapter XII The Taking of Coruscant

[Diego Varen]

Quite short Chapter.

[JediMaster12]

Nice. Very good. Yeah the chapter is short. I would more reaction sentences in when characters are being spoken to. It makes for a better image of reactions of anger and the whatnot.

[DarthSion101]

Potts........you have begun to construct a very interesting tale, I always wondere what became of JAden, and Kyle after the ending of JA, considering the developers at LA left it open, and havent touched it since. You quoted earlier that you didn't much like writing battles because you claimed them to be boring

 

Maybe I can help ya out with that one, I write very good battle sequences, or so Ive been told by people who read Darth Sion: Legacy Of Pain. Writing a battle sequence isn't all that difficult,depending on the type of battle. When describing solo combat, and duels, especailly with Sabers, describe the facial expressions, and acrobating maneuvers and saber thrusts/paries. Use alot of imagery, so that your audience really gets a feel for the action sequence as if it were playing out before there eyes. Compare the motions and patterns of the combatants to other various objects or creatures. And don't be afraid to include what the attacker or attackeee is thinking or feeling at the time.

 

Example: " Sion circled in around the wounded Revan, like a wild beast stalking its prey, his footsteps echoing through the cavrnous chambers of the ancient facility.

"He could sense Revan's weakness, as he drew in closer, Sion could almost taste the fear eminating from his war weary foe. Victory was his, he could feel it, almost grab at it."

 

"REvan slowly began to rise to his feet, clutching at the sizzling wound in his side, courtesy of a slash from Lord Sion's crimson bladed saber. REvan's breathing was heavy, almost gasping, as he felt his chest heave in and out under his armor, as he stared into the souless, and snarling features of his enemy."

 

"Sion had had enough waiting, he could sense Revan's thoughts, the weak fool, was still trying to measure the methods of his enemy, this Sion could not allow. With roar of primal rage, Sion lept towards Revan, his crimson bladed weapon hissing to life like a serpent, was pointed directly at Revans throat."

 

"Revan seeing this oncoming attack, was quick to react, igniting his own brilliant blue blade, and quickly and forcefully swiping away the animal Sith's forceful attack. But he could see Sion would not be so easily swayed from his current path of attack."

 

"Sion twirled his weapon skillfully out accross his chest, before gripping the hilt tightly with both hands, and again charging forward, and bringing blow after overpowering blow down upon his opponents blade, who defended as adamantly as Sion attacked. The result was a fast paced display of swordsmanship, which illuminated the ancient dueling chamber in brilliant shades of blue and red light."

 

Large scale battles are written in quite the same manner, just replace Sion for example with The Sith Fleet or Army etc etc, and Revan with the Republic, then proceed by describing the scene, and like the battle of the heroes, use lots of imagery

 

Example: The sith fleet dotted the Coruscanti skyline, like a thousand luminous stars.

 

The Capitla ships of the republic fleet were outgunned and blossomed accross the scene into countless flowering explosions.

 

[Diego Varen]

Thanks for the Battle advice DarthSion101. This may help. Everyone who reads this Fanfic, I reccomend you read DarthSion's Fic, Darth Sion: A Legacy of Pain. It was the second or third Fic I read before I joined.

[DarthSion101]

Thanks for the Battle advice DarthSion101. This may help. Everyone who reads this Fanfic, I reccomend you read DarthSion's Fic, Darth Sion: A Legacy of Pain. It was the second or third Fic I read before I joined.

 

But please Read this one before reading mine......Pottsie has done a great job bringing Jaden and Kyle out of the Darkness and back into the light !

[Diego Varen]

Thanks Sion. I suppose you're a fan of Jaden and Kyle yourself.

[DarthSion101]

Thanks Sion. I suppose you're a fan of Jaden and Kyle yourself.

 

I found the JA storyline of the dark Jaden to be most interesting and was very much hoping that LA would follow up on that version rather than the typical Light ending.

 

So yes my friend you have given me hope to a very dark universe for JAden and Kyle MUAHAHAHAH

[stingerhs]

well, you pm'd me to check out your fanfic. so now i'll do ya one better: i'll review it, and give you a couple of pointers at the same time.

 

first off, you have some good material to work with. i've played Jedi Academy, and although i thought the game's story was a bit weak, you've demonstrated that it does have some potential to be better. overall, the substance of your story is good, but its the style that gets me.

 

however, several problems have already been mentioned, and i'll address them here. as you have stated a couple of times, length and pacing have been problems with the story. now, IMHO, i think the problem stems from having the story primarily being told through dialog. dialog is essential to most stories, but whenever you use a lot of dialog, you have to keep in mind that dialog is another word for conversation. whenever you get into a face to face conversation with a friend, take some time to observe what happens other than what is spoken. you'll notice that more than just words are exchanged. facial and hand expressions are exchanged as well as emotions.

 

if you would simply put some more detail as to how the characters are feeling, their reactions to what is said, and what they're doing while the conversation takes place, then you'll notice that length is no longer an issue.

 

something else your story could use is some subtlety. a good story is rather boring if it isn't told very well. your issues with pacing could easily be handled if you take some time to carefully move your story along. instead of using two lines exchanged between characters to reveal four plot points, take some time to develop a smaller storyline that will slowly fill in the gaps for those four plot points. a great way to spread things out is to write out an outline on paper. you don't need details; just simply write down major events and plot points in the order you want them to be in your story.

 

another thing that would add length and pacing is to describe the settings better. give some backround information on the setting; describe the backround noises; comment on things within the environment such as fog, smoke, clouds of insects, et cetera. setting is always essential to any story, and describing it in detail will definately help to move the story along.

 

in the end, your style is lacking a bit. something to always remember in writing is that style > substance. a good story is never going to be great if the storytelling isn't up to the task. on the other hand, a mediocre story can be great if the style is great. improve the style, and this fanfic will be one of the greats.

 

just trying to help, so don't take this the wrong way.

[Diego Varen]

just trying to help, so don't take this the wrong way.

 

Don't worry, I won't, besides your the Moderator of the CEC and is writing a Fanfic yourself (I'll read it sometime). If I ever write a Sequel (If anyone wants one), then I shall improve.

[Niner_777]

I was able to skim over the last three chapters. I thought that they were good. I do have to agree with what others have mentioned. Though you have slowed down the plots, I still think that some of the events are happening a little bit fast. I really liked DarthSion's battle scenes. They were very detailed, but not boring. Sometimes, I think that my fic may be a little bit boring because of some of the detail that I may put in. I think that the detail adds to the story overall. Nice job on those chapters, btw.

[Jason Skywalker]

I have read the chapters,very good.Maybe LucasArts should watch this forum and check the fics for possible games.

[Diego Varen]

I have read the chapters,very good.Maybe LucasArts should watch this forum and check the fics for possible games.

 

I doubt LucasArts watches over us as we write our Fics, etc. Besides I doubt they won't like my ending of this much.

[Jason Skywalker]

Kyle or Luke or Jaden dies.Well,that's my prevision.

[Diego Varen]

Kyle or Luke or Jaden dies.Well,that's my prevision.

 

Please don't read the below Spoiler if you don't want to wreck the Fanfic.

 

 

One of them does die.

 

[Jason Skywalker]

Heck,it's tempting.

[Diego Varen]

I've wrote twenty lines of Chapter XII. I'll write about fourteen Chapters of this Fanfic, then I've finished.

[Jason Skywalker]

I've wrote twenty Chapters of Chapter XII. I'll write about fourteen Chapters of this Fanfic, then I've finished.

What?You've wrote twenty Chapters of Chapter XII?

[Diego Varen]

What?You've wrote twenty Chapters of Chapter XII?

 

Sorry weren't thinking (Will edit it). I meant twenty lines of Chapter XII.

[Char Ell]

I think this story has a great foundation, Pottsie. Keep it up and don't think that you need to wait until the next story to improve. Jae Onasi, stingerhs, and DarthSion101 have given you some great pointers that you can use to improve on your writing as you continue with this story. I haven't read any of your other fics but it sounds like you've added depth to your writing skill since you started posting in the Coruscant Entertainment Centre. Assuming you are at the wonderful age of 14 years your writing is already good. Time and practice will only serve to help you even more.

[Master Jimmy]

Great Chapters, looking forward to your next.

[Diego Varen]

Thanks Cutmeister and Revanscool. Soon this Fanfic will end, but I have ideas for either a Sequel or something different.

[The_Catto]

all i got to say is: I likes, and want to read more lol

[Jason Skywalker]

Maybe when you end this one,you could do a KOTOR one.

[Diego Varen]

Maybe when you end this one,you could do a KOTOR one.

 

You know, I was thinking of doing a KOTOR one. I was thinking of either doing a Revan or Exile going into the the future, which I've tried before or something else. Or as I said earlier, I would do a Sequel to this, but it would be difficult.

 

My basic idea for a Sequel would be Jaden's unknown child, who becomes a Jedi. Though it would be a terrible Fanfic.