[Fic] Love is a Lie

[Emperor Devon]

Well without further ado, my first piece of fan fiction. At 2 AM I'm not in a mood to come up with any flowery speeches about this.

 

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"Why hello, Atton."

 

Atton turned his head towards the voice and grimaced to himself upon seeing it was the exile.

 

She was quite attractive by his standards. She had a slender, perfectly shaped figure with long legs, full hips and small shoulders that made her seem less obtrusive than she was. Her waist was almost crying for him slip his arm around it, though he knew far better than to do so.

 

Her face was even more attractive than the rest of her. It had soft, dainty features with an almost childlike innocence about them, and golden blond lengths of hair wrapped into a bun. More than a few strands hung loose over her forehead, placing a heavier emphasis upon her large, practically ear-sized eyes.

 

Supposedly eyes were the windows to the soul, and they looked every bit as corrupt as she was. Once mesmerizing pools sky-blue he could stare into for hours, they were now a sickly yellow with large, cat-like pupils with flecks of a bright crimson at the edges.

 

It was kind of funny; she had one of the least imposing figures he'd ever encountered, yet she was one of the most intimidating people he had yet met.

 

It's the Dark Jedi thing, he thought to himself. Though her beauty was nothing short of breathtaking, she made little effort to effort to enhance it. A little less clothing (especially around her chest) would've made her look even better, though she chose instead to wear a flimsy, black, gown-like garment that seemed to cling to her almost reluctantly. She had a thin yet superfluous cape draped about her back, with a hood she would sometimes use to cover her face, of all things.

 

She leaned against the wall and gave him an innocent, little girl-like smile that seemed more malicious than the sternest of scowls the old witch Kreia could give him.

 

"Oh." Atton fingered at his shirt's collar absentmindedly. "Hey."

 

The Ebon Hawk had been traveling through hyperspace for several days, forcing its crew to do one of the things they found repulsive to the extreme: to ave at least minimal contact with each other.

 

Atton fervently wished he was back on Nar Shadda, even with the exile to put up with.

 

She'd been driven almost insane there, on a planet populated with billions upon billions of sentients. It wasn't being suddenly forced from total seclusion to the exact opposite in mere weeks than had infuriated her, but the sheer amount of time it could've taken to find some Jedi Master with a weird name. She'd been desperate to find him, sending the Hawk's crew on day-long marches to follow any possible leads as to where he was, while doing various things to "attract his attention" at the same time.

 

Those things definitely attracted people's attention, Atton had thought to himself. The bloodstains still weren't washed out of those pants.

 

Well, it obviously had gotten the guy's attention. There was now a lightsaber mounted on a plaque in the galley, and the exile had been acting particularly jovial after that. How she had obtained it likely couldn't have been pleasant either.

 

But regardless of how vociferous she'd been and what they'd both done on the Smuggler's Moon, he could at least escape to a cantina every now and then to get away from her and the rest of the zella nut gallery. On the Hawk it was impossible to avoid her entirely, and it was made all the worst by her latest mood.

 

She'd been acting very strangely to him lately. She was calling him by his name more than she needed to, and each time she spoke it she seemed almost curious as to if it was true. A bemused twinkle was visible in her eyes whenever she said it, and a slightly smug and mocking smile tugged at her lips whenever she spoke to him.

 

The exile gave him another innocent, little girl-like smile as if to break the silence. "How long until we reach Onderon, 'Atton'?"

 

"The same as I told you an hour ago. A couple days," he answered lazily.

 

Her expression shifted to a frown, still with a child-like quality to it. Her eyelids drooped, and she looked almost as if she'd been told 'no dessert'. "Aren't you in a mood to play games, 'Atton'?" she pouted, while leaning against the wall. She folded her arms in a mock-querulous manner.

 

Atton's eyes narrowed in annoyance while he punched a few controls. "I'm not in the mood for games, exile."

 

"Oh... that's too bad," she frowned as she sauntered towards him. "Don't you like playing games? I do," she smiled, her sad face vanishing.

 

"No, I really don't," he snapped.

 

She gave him a smirk as she kneeled onto the floor, while putting her arms over the edges of his chair. She leaned forward slightly, her already dainty face looking even moreso as her large eyes gazed up into his. "Funny. Kreia tells me you do."

 

He gave an impatient snort and reached for a nearby pazaak deck. "You hang hang to every word that witch says," he said as he started counting the cards. "It's nothing but cryptic nonsense."

 

"Oh? Including what she thinks about you?" she asked sweetly.

 

Atton glared. "Remember the part about cryptic nonsense?"

 

The exile gave an acerbic smile, with an obvious touch of mockery. "You sound so very certain of that, 'Atton'. I'm surprised such cryptic nonsense could be such a clear, such a black and white matter to you."

 

"Either that or lies," he corrected, acrimony flashing across his face.

 

"Mmmm, what a sudden change of opinions," the exile said as she laid her head down on her arms. "'Atton'."

 

He glared down at her. "Will you stop that?"

 

"Stop what, 'Atton'?" she pouted, looking up at him.

 

"You know damn well what I mean!" he shouted, fighting off the urge to shove her away.

 

The exile got up from his chair, holding onto the edge while she slowly spun around until she was facing him. "Whatever are you talking about, 'Atton'?" she smirked, while slowly leaning onto the recess under the window.

 

Several lights began to flash abruptly as the Hawk exited sharply into realspace, jostling Atton in his seat as the speed went back to normal. "Get off the controls, damn it!" he roared.

 

The exile gave him another mockingly childish frown, and slid off them at slow pace before she was slumped on the floor at his feet. She's like a big cat, he thought to himself furtively. She'll sink her claws into anything for fun without giving a damn what it could damage, and still looks like the most important person in the room whether she's on a throne or lying on the ground.

 

"You've such a short temper today, 'Atton'," the exile remarked as she stared at her fingers.

 

She gave him a smirk but didn't turn to face him. "But then again, I'm not really surprised after what I heard on Nar Shadda."

 

He rolled his eyes while re-punching Onderon's coordinates into the navicomputer. "What now?"

 

"Do you know the Twi'lek Aa'na, 'Atton'?" she drawled, her eyes still focused on her hands.

 

The exile had to admire the manner in which he responded to that. He obviously knew the name and it was definitely one he didn't want her to know he knew, though he appeared completely casual about it; not a glint of recognition could be seen in his eyes. "No, I don't," he replied coolly, with a hint of his 'why the hell are you asking me?' tone. She might as well have asked him the name of a complete stranger. "Should I?"

 

The exile gave him a smug look, and tilted her head onto the floor, facing him. She brushed several loose strands of hair away from her eyes. "Nice try, but yes. And it's not about credits this time, either."

 

"That's a new one," he answered sarcastically.

 

The exile gave him a bemused look and rolled over several times, as if looking for the most comfortable position. "Rather like your name, from what he said."

 

His eyes flared. "I'm as Atton as Atton could be ever be. Want me to spell it out for you? A-t-t-o"

 

She abruptly cut him off with a wave of her hand, still lazily sprawled at his feet. "From what he said, you're not Atton at all. He said you were a trained killer who showed up on Nar Shaddaa during the middle of the war, and were called 'Jaq'."

 

His anger was clearly visible now. "I'll admit that," he flustered, "but I -"

 

The exile abruptly sat up and folded her arms, staring at him with an imperious authority. Her face had grown cold, and all trace of amusement was gone. "I want the truth. now."

 

Atton gave a laugh, brimming with mockery. "Too bad for you, sister. Oh no, you want to hear the truth now! Why -"

 

"I will have the truth from you, and now," the exile said, abruptly standing up. "Whether I have to crawl into your head or you tell me yourself -" she said, walking forward and jabbing him in the chest with an icy expression - "I want it."

 

"Oh, I want this, I want that!" Atton mocked in a shrill voice, raising his hands in a mockingly false panic. "Damn," he angrily swore, "after all I did for you on Peragus, you'd think - "

 

"Don't pull that card, Atton," the exile chastised him, a hint of amusement present in her eyes once more. "All you were was an extra blaster."

 

He gave an indignant snort. "Well, I've not gone interrogating you about your past."

 

"The relevence of that astounds me to no end."

 

"It sure has a lot more skeletons than mine, you hypocrite!" he pressed, anger flashing across his face. "Probably millions, and not just Mandalorians! I'd - "

 

She gave him an amused smile that cut him off and walked away, to lean one leg against a wall. "Don't pull that one, either. We both know that my past has millions of skeletons, literally and metaphorically. But I'm proud of it, Atton. And you -"

 

"Whatever," he cut off. "Just leave me alone."

 

Her cold demeanor quickly resurfaced. "Atton, I want to know about your past. You can tell me, or I can force it out of you - and by 'force' I do mean 'Force'," she said icily.

 

He gave a dry laugh. "Nice. Real nice. You're better than the Republic was."

 

She arched an eyebrow. "Was?"

 

"Yeah, was. I deserted them," he answered casually. "It's what I do."

 

"So you served in the war," she stated matter-of-factly.

 

He nodded. "Both them, in case you didn't know there were more than two," he sarcastically reminded her. "The one against the Mandalorians, and the one against the Jedi."

 

She threw her head back and laughed, freely and gaily. "You served the Republic. I can imagine that."

 

"Revan," he glared. "Not the Republic."

 

"Oh?"

 

"Yes, oh," he mimicked. "You did too - I'd follow him over the Republic any day. Why? B- '"

 

The exile waved her hand impatiently. "You'll find we agree on at least that, Atton. Skip the rants."

 

He frowned. "I wouldn't keep talking down to me like that. I might -"

 

She gave another laugh, and knelt down in front of him. "Should I talk up to you instead?" she gave a slight chuckle at her own joke, before growing serious again. "So you might what? That's funny. That's really funny."

 

A smile formed at his lips as he glanced down at her, one without any hint of actual happiness. It had a cool air to it, which his eyes, now ice cold, matched perfectly. He continued to look her look at her with desire in his eyes, but there was more there than simple lust. "Maybe not," he said. "You wouldn't be the first of your kind I've killed."

 

All trace of amusement vanished from the exile's eyes, and she raised her eyebrows slightly. When she looked up at him her eyes were wide, curiosity mixed with a hint of fear floating in them. The Twi'lek was right. This is not Atton. "Explain."

 

Atton's eyes drooped slightly and his smile broadened, growing only colder. There was a look about him that was more than simple confidence - it was the look of a natural predator eyeing its prey, which grew all the more intense as he looked her at her small form. "Oh yes, I've killed then," he smirked. "Not just some, either. Lots. You could say I have a talent for it."

 

"How could you kill a Jedi?" she whispered. The question was without any trace of mockery this time.

 

Atton leaned back, and entered the tone of a professional explaining his trade. His cold aura remained. "People say it's hard. It really isn't. You just have to be smart about it."

 

He continued on, his expression turning into an almost feral eagerness, a pleasure too primal to fully explained. "But that wasn't the best thing. Hurting them was. Making them fall, making them see Revan's side of things..." his eyes grew dreamy. "That was the best."

 

"But how?"

 

Even Atton seemed somewhat confused by his explanation. "Well, I taught myself stuff no one else could. I could stop Jedi from crawling inside my head."

 

"What kinds of stuff?" she asked.

 

"Thoughts. Like lust, cowardice, impatience - anything which they could feel strongly. They never go below your surface thoughts, to see the deeper stuff. And I was good at doing that. Really good at it. Sometimes the Jedi on our side couldn't sense me."

 

The exile stroked her chin. "Hmm, is that why you act the way you do?"

 

He shrugged. "I don't know. I don't really care, either. I haven't for years." he paused for a moment, and pressed on. "You left before the Jedi Civil War, so you don't know much about what went on behind the scenes then. You see, there was one thing Revan knew - the real war was being fought with the Jedi on both sides. Everything else - it didn't matter."

 

The exile gave him a quizzical look. "What do you mean by that?"

 

Atton gave a slight sigh. "Whatever side had the most - and the strongest - Jedi would be the one that won the war. And Revan knew that - so he trained elite Sith units into squads of assassins, whose new jobs were to track down and capture enemy Jedi - and to kill the ones they couldn't. I was in one of those squads."

 

That would explain the trained killer part... the exile thought. "And after that? What happened to the Jedi who you didn't kill?"

 

Atton shrugged again. "Dunno much about it. Revan had plans for all of them. He tortured them until they broke. Then he got them to join him, or he'd dispose of them if they'd gotten too damaged."

 

"But," the exile said slowly, "you're here now. Why? I doubt Revan would've let you turn your back on him."

 

The expression on Atton's face grew strangely blank. "I'd had enough."

 

"You'd had enough, of all things?" the exile asked. "You loved it. You still do."

 

"I just didn't want to do it any more. So I went to Nar Shaddaa, changed my name, and became someone else. That was that."

 

"That doesn't explain why."

 

Atton gave a low sigh as his expression solved. "Well... there was a woman. A Jedi. She changed my mind on a lot of things."

 

The exile gave him an interested look. "Did she, now? And who was she?"

 

Atton raised his hands as if to say he didn't know. "I never found out her name. Only that she'd come for me."

 

He gave another sigh. "She said she wanted to save me. I don't know if she was lying - but she said enough to get my attention."

 

The exile smiled to herself. "Such as?"

 

Atton took a breath, and spoke in a quiet voice. "She said Revan was doing something - something terrible to Jedi in the Unknown Regions, she said. When we captured them, they were sent to a some place designed to… break them. Anyone in Revan'd service who could use the Force was sent there, too, she said. Where they would be turned, broken into Sith. She even said that’s what could end up happening to me - that I could use the Force, and it was why I was so good at killing Jedi. And when the Sith found out, I'd never be able to escape. Never able to turn back. That be an instrument of the dark side." He paused. "Forever."

 

Atton shuddered. "Could've been true. There was talk in the ranks, some troops being sent off for 'special training'. I knew she was right - but I didn't want to believe her. I couldn't."

 

He stopped, and resumed fiddling with the navicomputer.

 

The exile gave Atton a dark smile. "Don't stop there, Atton. Go on. I want to hear it all."

 

"I think I've-"

 

"NOW!"

 

Atton paused for a moment, a lump forming and dissolving in his throat. "I listened to her for a while. And when she finished talking, I attacked her."

 

"She didn't try to stop me. She blocked everything I threw at her, and pleaded with me to reconsider."

 

"I didn't listen to her. I distracted her, and got a vibrodagger lodged in her gut."

 

"She crumpled onto the ground in pain after that. I remember wrapping my hand around her throat, lovingly, and beginning to squeeze. I could almost feel her life being snuffed out as I held on."

 

"But then - right then - just when I thought it was all about to be over - she crawled into my head, like any other Jedi would've."

 

His eyes were almost glazed over. "But... it was different. I remember a flash of light, and her voice telling me I could feel the Force."

 

His expression shifted into a dark anger. "I killed her for that, for crawling in my head. I hated her for showing the Force. I loved her for saving me. I hated her for making me kill her. I loved her for making me kill her."

 

"And in the end, when I killed her because I loved her. It wasn't any other kind of love - it was the kind where you're willing to give up everything for someone you don't even know. And when I slit my knife across her throat, I did it out of love."

 

He sighed deeply. "So she sacrificed herself. To save me. ME. After all I'd done! To her and all the Jedi!"

 

The exile pressed on. "Then what happened?"

 

He gave another sigh. "I reported the assassination to my superiors. It turned out she was the most wanted Jedi in that sector. She'd done in a squad's worth of other assassins like me."

 

He frowned, and leaned his head against his hands. "Revan himself was impressed with me. He held some ceremony, said a long speech, and gave me a medal for it." Atton slammed his hand down on the armrest. "A damn metal! He even said that I might be eligible for some very 'special' training if I kept this up."

 

"I should've felt great. I got promoted, I'd just met and was in the good graces of Revan himself, and my career was going up. But I felt terrible."

 

"All the emotions I was used as walls - guilt, impatience, cowardice - they all kept tumbling back, and I was on the receiving end this time. But this time, I genuinely felt them."

 

"So I snapped. I'd had enough. I ran off, and booked passage to Nar Shaddaa. I drank until I didn't know who was anymore, and I lost myself there. I wanted nothing more with the Jedi, the Sith or the war - the bottle was enough for me."

 

"And then I met you on Peragus. And I thought, maybe she saved me, so I could help you. I have to try, at least - so she won't have died all for nothing."

 

The exile smiled viciously at him, and slowly shook her head, her smile growing all the more pronounced. "You sad, sad, little fool, Atton. You really believed her there."

 

Atton's eyes narrowed viciously, and his knuckles whitened. "What was that?"

 

The exile chuckled, and paced around his seat. "You heard me the first time, you sad little fool. You really fell for her trick, didn't you? I would've expected more -"

 

"What. Trick."

 

The exile gave a soft and cruel laugh. "Why, how she tricked you into thinking she loved you. I mean, she loved you? That's the most -"

 

Atton's face turned a deep crimson with rage. "Shut. Up."

 

Her pacing quickened, and she pressed on intently, leaning towards his ear. "How could you fall for that? Her real concern was for the Jedi -"

 

"SHUT. UP," he snarled.

 

"The Jedi, or course! Not someone like you! You were only a stepping stone, and she used love as her tool! She -"

 

"I said, SHUT! UP!!"

 

Atton rose from his chair in a fury, and swung his fist into the exile's chin with all the force he could muster. With a resounding crack, she crashed against the wall and slid down onto the floor. After lying still for a moment, she made no sound and pulled herself up.

 

"Fine," she said as she fingered the bruise on her chin. "You don't have to believe me. That still doesn't change the facts."

 

His eyes blazed. "There are no -"

 

"Atton," she said calmly, "even for the Jedi's supposed compassion, don't you think total love and sacrifice for a complete stranger - let alone an enemy of the Order - seems like a bit of a stretch?"

 

"Big deal. She still did it."

 

She pressed on. "You were an enemy of the Jedi, Atton. You'd captured or killed dozens of them - you were dangerous, and a threat that had to be neutralized. Did they really have to kill you to do that?"

 

"She gave her damn life for me! I think that says -"

 

"That she did it for the greater good. It was necessary loss - you would've killed more Jedi than just her if you she hadn't stopped you."

 

"Oh, she stopped me now, did she? Were even listening, you moron? She didn't even attack me!"

 

The exile shrugged. "So? Some danger you were drowning yourself in juma."

 

He gave her a frown. "But that's not what I felt. I felt love - boundless, un-"

 

The exile gave another soft laugh. "Atton, that's hardly remarkable for a Jedi. You were able to fool most of them, and without even knowing you could use the Force at all - they are much more skilled at it than you are, especially ones who were able to kill whole squads of people like you. Didn't you ever think that she might have been deceiving you? It was well within her ability, and she had every reason to."

 

"Well," Atton stammered, "maybe. But what she said about the Sith -"

 

The exile shook her head sadly. "You were already one of the best killers the Sith had, Atton, and you could have been so much more! Imagine what power you could have wielded, with the same Force that made the Jedi so strong! And instead, you were turned into this!"

 

The exile waved her hand over Atton, who had to concede that she had a point. His face wasn't shaved, and stubbles of hair covered his chin. His clothes and especially his jacket gave off the smell of alcohol up to several years old, while half-empty bottles of it littered the ground nearby.

 

"I mean, just look at you!" the exile chortled. "Someone who could have harnessed the power of the Force, turned into a creditless drunkard who doesn't know who he is. You think that counts as salvation? The denial of power? Not even knowing who you are?"

 

"I..."

 

"Don't deny it now, Atton!" she flared. "You know she had every reason to hate you, and to stop you. You know she could do it. She claimed to be saving you, but she only squashed your potential."

 

"And to top it all off, she crawled into your head like any other Jedi would have - and does it seem like a coincidence you started having doubts right after she did that? Who knows what she could have been doing to you..."

 

Atton slumped into a chair and leaned forward, wringing his hands through his hair. "But the... the... I know it might... but it just felt too..."

 

"It felt like it, yes - but how could you know if it was real? It would've felt the same either way, and I think it's much more likely she'd want to eliminate a threat to the Jedi than sacrifice herself out of sheer love for someone she didn't even know."

 

"I'll tell you a secret, Atton," the exile whispered, putting her hand on his shoulder. She leaned forward, and whispered into his ear:

 

"It doesn't exist. Not with you, at least. It was only a lie."

 

As she sauntered out of the cockpit, Atton gave out a low moan. The only loving thing he had ever truly experienced in his life had turned out to be another lie, all because the exile had shown up. He had been blackmailed, tricked, threatened and worse since meeting her and that damnable old witch, and had now lost the one loving thing in his life because of her.

 

Atton choked back a sob as he reached for a bottle.

 

Here's to love, he toasted.

 

In the galley, the exile poured herself a cup of whiskey. He's broken now. Here's to my future thrall, she toasted.

 

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Well, there you have it. Whether it's actually good or the typical result of writing in the wee hours of the night I can't guess.

 

Credits

 

JediMaster12 - the advice you gave me was very helpful and very informative. Thanks much.

 

My nemesis, Jae Onasi - for blackmailing me into writing this. It's about time I got you reading Atlas Shrugged.

[JediMaster12]

Aside from the spelling errors that Hall would probably love to comment on, I found it to be a very dark piece. I don't play darkside but ED followed the dialogue options fairly close during this piece. I loved the way how he has the Exile mock Atton with his reasons for believing the Jedi that opened him to the Force.

 

What would help even more so is if ED gave a name to the Exile and decribe her appearance. Her movements were perfect in my mind. I won't comment on style because that is ED's way and it is effective. On the polish, he could do with more into the thoughts of both parties involved.

 

I have to salute him on his first try.

[JasraLantill]

What an evil love story! And it appears that there's two aspects of love going on here--one, Atton's interpretation of 'love' for the Jedi he killed; and, two, a sort of camaraderie sort of 'love' between the Exile and Atton as she tries to keep him on the Dark Side.

 

I agree with JM12 in that there could have been more description of the characters and the setting, but I don't think that it takes away that much from the story. Good job!

[stingerhs]

not bad at all. i like the portrayal of emotion in the story. my one complaint was that the Exile seemed to be a bit devoid of life. the Exile was playful, yes, but all of the darkness came from Atton himself with nothing more than nudges from the Exile. its an interesting perspective, but it leaves the Exile feeling far less rounded out than Atton. whether you were going for that contrast or not, i'm not sure.

 

still, it is a good piece of work, and its a great reminder of those dialog moments from TSL. Score: 7/10

[Diego Varen]

I like this Emperor D. Unlike some love stories, this one is dark, as Jasra commented on. I agree with JM12 that the Exile should have a name and an idea of her appearance, but I might vote for this. Good luck and well done on a first Fic posted here.

[Emperor Devon]

Thanks for the comments, all!

 

I'm kinda surprised it turned out the way it did, to be honest. I absolutely cannot think, let alone write at 2 AM. Guess this is a lesson about procrastination.

 

my one complaint was that the Exile seemed to be a bit devoid of life. the Exile was playful, yes, but all of the darkness came from Atton himself with nothing more than nudges from the Exile.

 

I'd been hoping to expand on that. One of the annoying things in KotOR is how the NPCs do about 90% of the talking during a conversation, and the player mainly one-sentence questions. It's tolerable during the game, but can look really awful on paper. I'd wanted to give them all a fairly equal of dialogue, which would've had the Exile do more than just nudge him and probably would've given her more character. But the time factored in again...

 

I don't play darkside but ED followed the dialogue options fairly close during this piece.

 

I'd been originally hoping to differentiate a bit from that (you never see the Exile open Atton up to the Force, for instance). The first half is only there because I couldn't think of a plausible way to start the piece with the Exile talking to about that one Jedi.

 

And it appears that there's two aspects of love going on here--one, Atton's interpretation of 'love' for the Jedi he killed; and, two, a sort of camaraderie sort of 'love' between the Exile and Atton as she tries to keep him on the Dark Side.

 

I was looking at Atton's realization that the Jedi never loved him, but that's another way of looking at it.

 

@Topsite, you're more of giving a thumbs up when you vote than picking the best one. (Why I'll probably 'vote' for about half the fics here)

[Darth InSidious]

Interesting, and certainly very well done.

 

Personally, 'though, I found it a bit long to hold my attention, and at times, after the initial flirting, the dialogue could feel a little forced.

[Bee Hoon]

Poor Atton... It does seem quite believable that the DS exile would ruin the single moment of love in his life. Though he always seems to live thinking that Jedi lie.

[Jae Onasi]

Feel the Dark Side!! I had no problem with figuring out Exile was just a vicious woman.

 

I have to disagree with DI a bit--I thought it was a little too short. I think he might have felt it was a little too long because it drags a bit here and there--nothing a little editing can't clean up, however.

 

I liked seeing Atton break, and there's 2 things I would have liked to see more--the transition where Atton is convinced what that Jedi said is a lie. I felt like he believed Exile just a little too fast. That's a big struggle point for him. Second--Exile's doing this to gain control of Atton. I would have liked to see her solidifying her control over him at the very end.

 

Ah, this one was so deliciously dark.