Jan Gaarni Posted March 31, 2003 Share Posted March 31, 2003 The Truth About Men A frank discussion with answers to commonly asked questions about men... Why are men such jerks? It's a testosterone thing. Much similar to your PMS thing, we men suffer from testosterone poisoning. Why do you think the average lifespan of a male is typically 10 years shorter (and it's not just from all the nagging we have to endure)? Hormone modifies behavior. We're not jerks, just misunderstood. Why do men always touch themselves, especially in public? We occasionally need to adjust our little friend and make him happy. It's much like adjusting your bra. Being in public is just an added bonus. Why do men always say such stupid things? We like to. It's actually a whole lot of fun to see our partner frustrated by a few simple (and well chosen) words. Why are men so uncommunicative? You'd learn to keep your big mouth shut too if every time you open it you get into trouble with your partner. Why do men have to act like such retards? Well, we don't actually have to; we do it because we enjoy it. It's the old fashioned pride in a job well done that's missing in so much of the world nowadays. Why can't men just share their feelings? Do we look like women to you? Why is it so hard to understand that men and women are different? How are we supposed to share how we feel when we have no idea how we feel? Unless we're experiencing some extreme emotion like rage, hatred, disgust, or a brick on our foot, we have no idea how we feel. Personally, I get a headache whenever I try to figure out how I feel. Why can't men cuddle more? Please... How many hours do you think there are in a day? We oblige you as much as we can, but who the heck (besides women) can endure lying around for hours on end? We men... Men hunters... Need go roam... Starve in cave... Must go find wildebeest... Now, sitting on our asses for hours on end on the other hand is a whole other story. How can men sit on their asses all day without moving? Men have very powerful sets of sitting muscles developed by evolution that enable us to sit for extended periods of time without getting tired. In prehistoric times, it was often necessary to sit in one spot for extended periods of time while hunting for prey. The more successful hunters were able to sit very still for very extended periods of time thereby passing on this ability to their progeny. The figgidy types were all gobbled up by saber toothed tigers, lions, etc.. The end result is that almost all modern men are born with this innate ability. Why can't men just say "I love you?" Men are taught from a tender young age to be self-sufficient. To say that we love you is equivalent to saying that we need you. Most men consider that a character fault. It's not easy to admit to one's own character faults. Why do men say "I love you" when they hardly know me? Ho, Ho, Ho... Aren't you special? Well, some men think it's a sure fire way to get into your pants. Surprisingly, it actually still works quite well. What does it mean when men say "I Love You?" 1 Please sleep with me. 2 I'm sorry for whatever it is that I did. 3 I forgot to get you a gift; this will have to do. 4 Huh? I'm sorry; I wasn't listening. 5 What did I forget? This should buy me a little time. 6 Stop nagging me. 7 What do I have to do to get a beer around here? Why doesn't my partner ever answer me? We just simply don't have the energy to answer every single one of your questions. If we think we do not have the answer, or that you will not like the answer, we simply remain quiet and save the energy for other things. Why won't men ever pick up after themselves? Why should we? It doesn't really bother us that much. Besides, we know darn well you'll pick it up. What's with all the belching and farting? This usually only occurs after months of courting. It's our way to let you know that we're comfortable with you. Believe it or not, it's actually a sign of affection. Besides, holding it for extended periods of time gives us stomach cramps. Why do men hate shopping? It's an evolutionary thing. Men hunt. Women gather. We just want to go out, kill it, and bring it back. Who wants to spend hours and hours to look at things we have no intention of killing? err... Buying? Why can't men ever leave the toilet seat down? Have you ever seen one of us pee? The proper position of the toilet seat is up. Mathematically speaking, the proper position of the toilet seat is a function of the time spent peeing over the time spent sitting. The closer that ratio approaches one, the truer the proposition. Besides, it's actually a courtesy that we lift the seat. Why would we care if we pee all over the seat. You're the ones that have to sit on it. You should appreciate the fact that we actually lift the darn thing. We aim to please. Why do men find blonde bimbos attractive? Are you kidding? Even leaving the physical aside, blonde bimbos are generally much easier to get along (alone) with. They like having fun and doing exciting things. They don't walk around with the weight of the world on their shoulders. They don't ever give us a hard time for being a dumb male; and plus they laugh at most of our jokes (even the ones they don't get). What more could any male ask for? Why do men act like they own the remote control? What do you mean act? We do; possession is nine-tenths of the law. Besides, it is an awesome responsibility not to be entrusted to just anyone. I believe the only fair way to decide who gets the remote control is to arm wrestle for it. Why can't men stay on a single channel for more than two seconds? Are you kidding? What if there is something good on the next channel? We could miss it if we stay on one channel for too long. (See also: Why do men fear commitment?) Why do men fear commitment? Don't be so surprised. Yes; most of us do know what 'commitment' means and can spell it correctly. It's like an automobile. No matter how good you think this year's model is, they're always coming out with newer, faster, better, sleeker, and sexier models. We simply cannot be expected to purchase the first one we see. We must browse around a bit and test drive a few. Who wants to end up with a lemon? At least with a car, there's a slight chance of it eventually becoming a classic. It simply makes much more sense to lease and upgrade to the younger... err... I mean newer models every couple of years. Some of them come with fun extras like dual air bags. What does it mean when men say, "I'm just not ready for a relationship right now" or "I don't want a girl friend?" It means that we like you enough to sleep with you, but not enough so that we want to see you repeatedly. What does it mean when men say, "Can we just be friends?" Generally, it means that the recipient of said comment is physically repulsive enough that no beer goggles may be thick enough to provide adequate protection. Why are men so obsessed with beautiful women? As opposed to what? Really ugly women? Face it, if men were obsessed with ugly women, there would be just as much complaining about why men are so obsessed with ugly women. No matter how you set this up, some people are always going to be left out. I don't see anyone screaming about equal treatment for the stupid people either. Why do men like younger women? Well, let's see. Besides the fact that they like older men, they're easily impressed, they're also perky, energetic, and come with very little baggage. And gravity has less prevail over their bodies. Why do men only have one thing on their minds? While technically correct, this statement is not strictly true. We may only be able to entertain one idea at a time, but we do think of lots of other things besides sex, such as sports and beer. We also get hungry quite often. How can men possibly find that other woman attractive (i.e. whatever do you see in that fat pig)? Even if you happen to be Cindy Crawford, once we get the idea that you are ours, other women suddenly become much more attractive and you lose a few attractiveness points. I'm a bit puzzled by this one myself. I think evolution is to blame. We men are just innocent bystanders in the war of the selfish genes. You should love us despite our inherent weakness. Why are men such dogs? How can you say such a horrible thing? Dogs are faithful... loyal... affectionate... and obedient... You owe dogs an apology! not my work Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Boba Rhett Posted March 31, 2003 Share Posted March 31, 2003 I, being a man, resent this. Actualy I don't but if anyone ever started a thread entitled, "why women are bitches" I'm sure there would be great outcry. Double standards suck. Funny stuff though. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
swphreak Posted March 31, 2003 Share Posted March 31, 2003 *Why do men always touch themselves, especially in public?* We occasionally need to adjust our little friend and make him happy. It's much like adjusting your bra. Being in public is just an added bonus. LOL the best one, and the toilet seat one. Fell out of the seat laughing so hard Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jackrabbit Posted March 31, 2003 Share Posted March 31, 2003 I got laughing on the one that was talking about arm wrestling for the remote. Funny stuff...the sad thing is I can relate to and understand most of them. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wraith 8 Posted March 31, 2003 Share Posted March 31, 2003 LOL.. omg.. if setsuko or devil doll fins this.. they are either gonna kill yah.. or love yah Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Deft Aklin Posted March 31, 2003 Share Posted March 31, 2003 Hey, I happen to like cuddling.......and commitment. Though only for the first six months, after that the honeymoon period is over and I need a new woman that will sate my physical needs. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
swphreak Posted March 31, 2003 Share Posted March 31, 2003 I don't mind cuddling either... but the thought of only having one vagina for the rest of my life kinda worries me j/k (That was from the movie Old School) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jared Sinn Posted March 31, 2003 Share Posted March 31, 2003 I'm going to go out on a limb and guess that you're single, aren't you Jan? Single by choice, is my next guess... JS Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Genesis16 Posted March 31, 2003 Share Posted March 31, 2003 I appluad that post! I am going to email it to every girl I know so they know what to expect. So they get used to something before even having to go through it. I am expecially going to send it to my ex-girlfriends. titled "Why you don't understand me" hehe Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jan Gaarni Posted March 31, 2003 Author Share Posted March 31, 2003 LOL.. omg.. if setsuko or devil doll fins this.. they are either gonna kill yah.. or love yah Well, I know for a fact that Set has viewed it already, not long after I posted it actually. She hasn't said anything about it yet ... .... that is usually not good. I'm going to go out on a limb and guess that you're single, aren't you Jan? Single by choice, is my next guess... What gave me away? :D And by the way, it's still not my work. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
setsuko Posted March 31, 2003 Share Posted March 31, 2003 setsuko quietly ponders over the contents of this site, and the multitude of ways to implement them into painful ways to hurt people really bad at a reasonable price (especially the wickedly curved pruning knives, you know they call them 'pruning knives' for a reason, aight?). So many option, so little time... *sigh* (P.S. Did you know that there is a garden tool called "Dutch Hoe"? I sure as hell didn't!) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
swphreak Posted April 1, 2003 Share Posted April 1, 2003 ok. . . . I'm officially freaked out now...... maybe I should buy some to protect myself.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sunshine Badass Posted April 1, 2003 Share Posted April 1, 2003 A Dutch Hoe seems to be a tool for the farmers of the land to plant seeds manually. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
setsuko Posted April 1, 2003 Share Posted April 1, 2003 Yeah, I've used that tool a lot in my parents garden, I just got VERY surprised when I saw the english word for it! (in swedish, it's like "earth scraper", not a reference to prostitutes from the Netherlands! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sunshine Badass Posted April 1, 2003 Share Posted April 1, 2003 .....What was that? Netherland prostitutes? Oh.... My....My virgin ears!!! I will NEVER use a Dutch hoe in ignorance again. I thought she was just there to help me plant my crop and grow some babies for eating during the hard times of winter and such... and for paying those babies as tribute to my feudal lord. The lord of the realm is rather hungry sometimes and he needs MUCH baby corns for the satiating of his hunger. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lynk Former Posted April 1, 2003 Share Posted April 1, 2003 Actually there are some explainations for why men act like this... firstly we go for younger women (or most of us) because... it is human instinct to find a healthy young mate able to carry a healthy baby we can't commit because... men are able to have sex more often and have the urge for it more often, we can have sex with MANY women while women (or most of em anywayz) don't have the urge for sex as we do and usually just have 1 partner in their lifetime... just try to go back in time back to the start of the human race and think about it... one girl's natural smell (not perfume, i'm talkin about 'the natural smell their body produces) may smell bad to some guys while another girl's natural smell smell really good. This is because the human nose is designed to pick out people who have a different immune system to your own by the way they smell. ...I know a lot more about this kinda stuff if you want to know just ask me... *keeps talking as he walks out of the topic* Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wraith 8 Posted April 1, 2003 Share Posted April 1, 2003 lol @ lynk... and Set... should i feel offended as someone from the netherlands Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fraydenz Posted April 1, 2003 Share Posted April 1, 2003 Omg that was funny! I'm gonna send that to my girlfriend, I think, except for the "Why do men fear commitment" one, and the "Blonde bimbo" one. And maybe one or two others that I would rather not have her see. Hmm, or maybe I won't send it to her after all... Funny! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wraith 8 Posted April 1, 2003 Share Posted April 1, 2003 Originally posted by Fraydenz Omg that was funny! I'm gonna send that to my girlfriend, I think, except for the "Why do men fear commitment" one, and the "Blonde bimbo" one. And maybe one or two others that I would rather not have her see. Hmm, or maybe I won't send it to her after all... Funny! lol if you do send it.... i hate to be you when she reads it Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fraydenz Posted April 1, 2003 Share Posted April 1, 2003 Hehe yeah, you're right. The more I think about it, the more I get this uneasy sort of feeling...visions of an unpleasant future...but...I just have this urge to show her... Sigh...I better not. Common sense rears its ugly head - I do want her to remain my girl, after all, heh. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lynk Former Posted April 1, 2003 Share Posted April 1, 2003 gawd x.x i'd hate to have a girlfriend like that, i'd rather they had a sense of humour... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fraydenz Posted April 1, 2003 Share Posted April 1, 2003 Naw, it's not that. It's more like I don't want to hurt her feelings. She'd probably laugh at most of it, but a couple of the things in there...I don't want them floating around in her head, you know? I don't want to have to say 'well, yes, I do notice other girls, sorry, not much I can do about it.' She knows this already. Best just not to bring these up in the first place. Like I said before, tho, and still think: Funny! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jan Gaarni Posted April 1, 2003 Author Share Posted April 1, 2003 Naw, it's not that. It's more like I don't want to hurt her feelings. Yeah, I get what you mean. I actually had a loooong pause over the Submit button after I had pasted it in, thinking over if this was smart or not. I mean, we only have 2 women here as far as I know, and what responce am I gonna get from this? Am I gonna hurt them in anyway, or are they gonna castrate me? Set actually scared me this morning when I read this: "setsuko quietly ponders over the contents of this site, and the multitude of ways to implement them into painful ways to hurt people really bad .... I thought she was talking about feelings there, cause I was too occupied, and had too little time in the morning, to see what the link she had given contained. I had to find out what the hell crakerville was babbling about first. but time was not on my side. Actually, now that I see what it links too, I guess I scared myself. Anyway, I'm rambling like crazy now. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kiedo Posted April 1, 2003 Share Posted April 1, 2003 I'm particularly scared of the "Transplanting Trowel" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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