GonkH8er Posted June 16, 2003 Share Posted June 16, 2003 Evil Overlord Being an Evil Overlord seems to be a good career choice. It pay’s well, there are all sorts of perks and you get to set your own hours. However every Evil Overlord I’ve read about in books or seen in movies invariably gets overthrown and destroyed in the end. I’ve noticed that no matter whether they are barbarian lords, deranged wizards, mad scientists or alien invaders, they always make the same basic mistakes every single time. With that in mind, allow me to present: “The Top 100 Things I’d Do If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord….” - My Legions of Terror will have helmets with clear Plexiglas visors, not face- concealing ones. - My ventilation ducts will be to small to crawl through - My noble half-brother, whose throne I usurped will be killed, not kept anonymously imprisoned in a forgotten cell of my dungeon. - Shooting is not too good for my enemies. - The artefact that is the source of my power will not be kept on the Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Flame guarded by the Dragons of Eternity. It will be kept in my safe-deposit box. The same applies to the object that is my one weakness. - I will not gloat over my enemy’s predicament before killing them. - When I’ve captured my adversary and he says, “look, before you kill me, will you at least tell me what this is all about?” I’ll say “no.” and shoot him. No, on second thought I will shoot him first then say “No” - After I kidnap the beautiful princess, we will be married immediately in a quiet civil ceremony, not a lavish spectacle in three week’ time during which the finial phase on my plan is carried out. - I will not include a self-destruct mechanism unless absolutely necessary. If it is necessary, it will not be a large big red button labelled “Danger: Do Not Push.” The big red button marked “Do Not push” will instead trigger a spray of bullets on anyone stupid enough to disregard it. Similarly, the ON/Off switch will not clearly be labelled as such. - I will not interrogate my enemies in the inner sanctum – a small hotel well outside my boarders will work just as well. - I will be secure in my superiority. Therefore, I will feel no need to prove it by leaving clues in the forms of riddles or leaving my weaker enemies alive to show that they pose no threat. - One of my advisors will be an average 5 year-old child. Any flaws in my plan that he is able to spot will be corrected before implementation. - All slain enemies will be cremated, or at least have several rounds of ammunition emptied into them, not left for dead at the bottom of a cliff. The announcement the their deaths, as well as the accompanying celebration will be deferred until after the aforementioned disposal. - The hero is not entitled to a last kiss, a last cigarette, or any other form of last request. - I will never employ any device with a digital countdown. If I find that such a device is absolutely unavoidable, I will set it to activate when the counter reaches 117 and the hero is just putting his plan into action. - I will never utter the sentence “But before I kill you, there’s just one thing I want to know…” - I will not have a son. Although his laughably under-planned attempt to usurp power would easily fail, it would provide a fatal distraction at a crucial point in time. - I will not have a daughter. She would be as beautiful as she is evil, but one look at the hero’s rugged countenance and she’d betray her own father. - When I employ people as advisors, I will occasionally listen to their advice. - Despite its proven stress-relieving effect, I will not indulge in maniacal laughter. When so occupied, it’s too easy to miss unexpected developments that a more attentive individual could adjust to accordingly. - I will hire a talented fashion designer to create original uniforms for my Legions of Terror, as opposed to some cheap knock-offs that make them look like Nazi storm troopers, Roman foot soldiers, or savage Mongol hordes. All were eventually defeated and I want my troops to have a more positive mind-set. - No matter how tempted I am with the prospect of unlimited power, I will not consume and energy field bigger than my head. - I will keep a special cache of low-tech weapons and train my troops in their use. That way – even if the heroes manage to neutralise my power generator and/or render the standard-issue energy weapon useless – my troops will not be over run by a handful of savages armed with spears. - I will maintain a realistic assessment of my strengths and weaknesses. Even though this takes some fun out of the job, at least I will never utter the line “No this cannot be. I AM INVINCIBLE” (After that death is usually instantaneous.) - No matter how well it would preform, I will never construct any sort of machinery that is completely indestructible, except of one small virtually inaccessible vulnerable spot. - Not matter how attractive a certain member of the rebellion is, there is probably someone just as attractive who is not so desperate to kill me. Therefore I will think twice before ordering a prisoner sent to my bedchamber. - I will never build one of anything important. All important systems will have redundant control panels and power supplies. For the some reason I will always carry two fully loaded weapons. - My pet monster will be kept in a cage from which it cannot escape and in to which I could not accidentally stumble. - I will dress in bright and cheery colours, and so throw my enemies into confusion. - All bumbling conjurers, clumsy squires, no-talent bards, and cowardly thieves in the land will be pre-emptively put to death. My foes will surly give up and abandon their quest if they have no source of comic relief. - All naïve, busty tavern wenches in my realm will be replaced with surly, world-weary waitresses who will provide no unexpected reinforcement and/or romantic subplot for the hero or his sidekick. - I will not fly into a rage and kill a messenger who brings me bad news just to illustrate how evil I really am. Good messengers are hard to come-by. - I wont require high-ranking female members of my organisation to wear a stainless-steal bustier. Moral is better with a more casual dress code. Similarly, outfits made entirely from black leather will be reserved for the correct occasions. - I will not turn into a snake. It never helps. - I will not grow a goatee. In the old days they made one look diabolical. Now they just make you look like a disaffected member of generation X. - I will not imprison members of the same party in the same cellblock, let alone the same cell. If they are important prisoners, I will keep the only key to the cell door on my person instead of handing out copies to every bottom-rung guard in the prison. - If my trusted lieutenant tells me my Legions of Terror are losing a battle, I will believe him. After all, he’s my trusted lieutenant. - If an enemy I have just killed has a younger sibling or offspring anywhere, I will find them and have them killed immediately, instead of waiting for them to grow up harbouring feelings of vengeance towards me in my old age. - If I absolutely must ride into battle, I will certainly not ride at the forefront of my Legions of Terror, nor will I seek out my opposite number among his army. - I will be neither chivalrous nor sporting. If I have an unstoppable super weapon, I will use it as early and as often as possible instead of keeping it in reserve. - Once my power is secure, I will destroy all those pesky time-travel machines. - When I capture the hero, I will make sure I also get his dog, monkey, ferret, or what ever sickly cute little animal, capable of untying ropes and filching keys, that happens to follow him around. - I will maintain a healthy amount of scepticism when I capture the beautiful rebel and she claims that she is attracted to my power and good looks and will gladly betray her friends if I let her in on my plan. - I will only employ bounty hunters that work for money. Those who work for the pleasure of the hunt tend to do dumb things like even the odds to give the other guy a sporting chance. - I will make sure I have a clear understanding of who is responsible for what in my organisation. For example, if my general screws up I will not draw my weapon, point it at him, say “And here is the price for you failure,” then suddenly turn and kill some random underling. - If an advisor says to me: “My liege, he is but one man, what can one man do?” I will reply, “this” and kill the advisor. - If I learn that a callow youth has begun a quest to destroy me I will kill him while he is still a callow youth, instead of waiting for him to mature. - I will treat any beast that I control through magic or technology with respect and kindness. Thus if the control is ever broken, it will not immediately come after me for revenge. - If I learn of the one artefact that can destroy me, I will not send all my troops out to seize it. Instead I will send them out to seize something else and quietly place a want-add in the local paper. - My main computers will have their own operating system that will be completely incompatible with standard IBM and Macintosh PowerBooks. - If one of my dungeon guards stars expressing concern over the conditions in the beautiful princess’ cell, I will immediately transfer him to a less people- orientated position. - I will hire a team of board-certified architects and surveyors to examine my castle and inform me of any secret passages and abandoned tunnels that I might not know about. - If the beautiful princess that I capture says “I’ll never marry you! Never, do u hear me NEVER” I will say, “oh well” and kill her. - I will not strike a bargain with a demonic being then attempt to double-cross it simple because I feel like being contrary. - The deformed mutants and oddball psychotics will have their place in my Legions of Terror. However before I send them out on important covert missions that require tact and subtlety, I will first see if there is anyone else equally qualified who would attract less attention. - My Legions of Terror will be trained in basic marksmanship. Any who cannot learn to hit a man-sized target at 10 metres will be used for target practice. - Before employing any captured artefacts or machinery, I will carefully read the owner’s manual. - If it becomes necessary to escape, I will never stop to pose dramatically and toss off a one-liner. - I will never build a sentient computer smarter than I am. - My five year-old advisor will also be asked to decipher any code I am thinking of using. If he breaks it in less than 30 seconds, it will not be used. Note: this also applies to passwords. - If my advisors ask “why are you risking everything on such a mad scheme?” I will not proceed until I have a response that satisfies them. - I will design fortress hallways with no alcoves or protruding structural supports, which intruders could use for cover in a fight. - Bulk trash will be disposed of in incinerators, not compactors. And they will be kept hot, with none of that nonsense about flames going through accessible tunnels at predictable intervals. - I will see a competent psychiatrist and get cured of all extremely unusual phobias and bizarre compulsive habits that could prove to my disadvantage. - If I must have computer systems with publicly available terminals, the maps they display of my complex will have a room clearly marked as the MAIN CONTROL ROOM. That room will be the EXECUTION CHAMBER. The actual main control room will be marked SEWAGE OVERFLOW CONTAINMENT. - My security keypads will actually be fingerprint scanners. Anyone who watches someone press a sequence of buttons or dusts for fingerprints then subsequently tries to enter by repeating that sequence will trigger and alarm system. - No matter how many shorts we have in the system, my guards will be instructed to treat every surveillance camera malfunction as a full-scale alert. - I will spare someone who saved my life sometime in the past. This is only reasonable as it encourages others to do so. However, the offer is good only one time. If they want me to spare them again, they must save my life again. - All midwifes will be banned from the realm. All babies will be delivered at state approved hospitals. Orphans will be placed in foster-homes, not abandoned in the woods to be raised by wild animals. - When my guards split up to search for intruders, they will always travel in groups of at least two. They will be trained so that if one of the disappears mysteriously while on patrol, the other will immediately initiate an alert and call for backup, instead of quizzically peering around the corner. - If I decide to test a lieutenant’s loyalty and see if he/she should be made a trusted lieutenant, I will have a crack squad of marksmen standing by in case the answer is no. - If all the hero’s are standing together around a strange device and begin to taunt me, I will pull out a conventional weapon instead of using my unstoppable super weapon on them. - I will not agree to let the hero go free if they win a rigged contest; even though my advisors assure me that it is impossible for them to win. - When I create a multimedia presentation of my plan, designed so that my five year-old advisor can easily understand the details, I will not label the disk “Project Overlord” and leave it on top of my desk. - I will instruct my Legions of Terror to attack the hero en masse, instead of standing around waiting while members break off and attack one or two at a time. - I will not tell my Legions of Terror “And he must be take alive!” The command will be “and try to take him alive if it is reasonably practical.” - If the hero runs up to my roof, I will not run up after him and struggle with him in an attempt to push him over the edge. I will also not engage him at the edge of a cliff. (In the middle of a rope-bridge over a river of molten lava is not even worth considering.) - If I have a fit of temporary insanity and decide to give the hero a chance to reject a job as my trusted lieutenant, I will retain enough sanity to wait till my current trusted lieutenant is out of earshot before making the offer. - If my doomsday device happens to have a reverse switch, as soon as it has been employed it will be melted down and made into commemorative coins. - If my weakest troops fail to eliminate a hero, I will send out my best troops instead of wasting time with progressively stronger ones as he gets closer and closer to my fortress. - If I am fighting with the hero atop a moving platform, have disarmed him, and am about to finish him off and he glances behind me and drops flat, I too will drop flat instead of quizzically turning around to find out what he saw. - I will not shoot any of my enemies if they are standing in front of the crucial support beam to a heavy, dangerously, unbalanced structure. - If I am eating dinner with the hero, put poison in his drink, then have to leave the table for any reason, I will order new drinks instead of trying to decide whether or not to switch back. - I will not have captives of the one sex being guarded but people of the other sex. - I will not use any plan in which the finial step is horribly complicated, Eg: “Align the 12 stones of power on the sacred alter then activate the medallion at the moment of the total eclipse.” Instead it will be more along the lines of “Push the button”. - I will make sure that my doomsday device is up to code and properly grounded. - My vats of hazardous chemicals will be covered when not in use. Also, I will not construct walkways above them. - If a group of henchmen fail miserable at a task, I will not berate them for incompetence then send the same group out to try again. - After I capture a hero’s super weapon I will not immediately disband my legions and relax my guard because I believe that who ever holds the weapon is unstoppable. After all, the hero help the weapon and I took it from him - I will not design my Main Control Room so that every workstation faces away from the door. - I will not ignore the messenger that stumbles in exhausted and obviously agitated until my personal grooming or current entertainment if finished. It might actually be important. - If I ever talk to the hero on the phone I will not taunt him. Instead I will say that his dogged perseverance has given me new insight on the futility of my evil ways and that if he leaves me alone for a few months of quiet contemplation I will likely return to the path of righteousness. (Heroes are incredibly gullible in this regard.) - If I decide to hold a double execution of the hero and an underling who failed or betrayed me, I will see to it that the hero is scheduled to go first. - When arresting prisoners, my guards will not allow them to stop and grab useless trinkets of purely sentimental value. - My dungeon will have its own qualified medical staff complete with bodyguards. That way if a prisoner becomes sick and his cellmate tells the guard it’s an emergency; the guard will fetch the trauma team instead of opening the cell to have a look. - My door mechanisms will be designed so that blasting the control panel on the outside seals the door and blasting the control panel on the inside seals the door, not vice versa. - My dungeon cells will not be furnished with objects that contain reflective surfaces or anything that can be unravelled. - If an attractive young couple enters my realm, I will carefully monitor their activities. If I find that they are happy and affectionate, I will ignore them. However, if circumstances have forced them together against their will and they spend all their time bickering and criticizing each other except during the intermittent occasions when they are saving each others lives at which point there are hints of sexual tension, I will immediately order their execution. - Any data file of crucial importance will be padded to 1.45Mb in size. - Finally, to keep my subjects permanently locked in a mindless trance, I will provide each of them with free unlimited Internet access. ------------------------------------------------------------------ Good times :D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hyperglide Posted June 16, 2003 Share Posted June 16, 2003 Here's what I would do if I was an evil Overlord. I'd transport 8 Zerglings into a Terran base. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GonkH8er Posted June 16, 2003 Author Share Posted June 16, 2003 Sif zergs man. Protoss am win Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sivy Posted June 16, 2003 Share Posted June 16, 2003 and remember... if you capture the A-Team, don't incarcerate them in a room with welding equipment and spare pieces of corrugated iron there's some good tips there, well worth noting Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Eldritch Posted June 16, 2003 Share Posted June 16, 2003 I saw that somewhere recently. It's good for a laugh. It's all the stuff Dr. Evil wouldn't do. Dr. Evil: "I will place them in an easily escapable situation involving a overly elaborate death. Goodbye Mr. Powers." Scott: "You're not even going to watch them die?" Dr. Evil: "No. I'm just going to close the doors and assume it all went to plan... What?" *doors close* This incredibly bad transcription of the events of Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery was brought to you by Eldritch. We now return to your regularly scheduled Swamp thread viewing. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dark Moon Posted June 16, 2003 Share Posted June 16, 2003 Lol... Man, that is one long list... How long did that take you to think up and type out? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jokemaster Posted June 16, 2003 Share Posted June 16, 2003 AH, reminds me of the good old times *Hides computer from prison gaurd* Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
El Sitherino Posted June 16, 2003 Share Posted June 16, 2003 if you see your enemy shoot him immediately. and kill anyone from the enemy's side unless they hold a code. if that's the case hold them in a dark room that only opens with your brain frequency. ^_^ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Largo-LaGrande Posted June 16, 2003 Share Posted June 16, 2003 Heres what i would do fill it up with hydralisks then fly it over followed by a mass of mutalisks and destroy the ememy then walk drones over and build sunken clonerys in there bace then walk hydralisks over then more mutas!!! (if you play the normal starcraft ((i thinks better then brood war)) check my profile im Dark_l)emon and thats a L for the l) and i wasnt just fighting computer all the time....and l)emon_X or l)emon-X ) :D :D :D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HertogJan Posted June 16, 2003 Share Posted June 16, 2003 Whoa.... I've read them all Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BongoBob Posted June 16, 2003 Share Posted June 16, 2003 LMAO!:rofl: God those are so true! Why does the evil overlord always do stupid things like that???Nice list GonkH8er:thumbsup: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Clemme w/Stick Posted June 16, 2003 Share Posted June 16, 2003 Originally posted by GonkH8er - If an advisor says to me: “My liege, he is but one man, what can one man do?” I will reply, “this” and kill the advisor. Sry, but I didnt read it all, but the things I read was funny and good arguments why the evil overlord always loose in movies. Oh well, dreams are allowed to exist. *Wonder what would have happened if Luke had turned to the Dark Side.* -Clemme Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BongoBob Posted June 16, 2003 Share Posted June 16, 2003 Originally posted by Clemme w/Stick *Wonder what would have happened if Luke had turned to the Dark Side.* -Clemme Easy, there would be some bad @$$ ****sniff goin down in a galaxy far, far away. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BCanr2d2 Posted June 16, 2003 Share Posted June 16, 2003 One problem, Floppies can be made to 1.66 MB - the DMF format used in Win95 setup disks.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jokemaster Posted June 16, 2003 Share Posted June 16, 2003 -Let said five year old try to hack into your computer, if he can, switch all passwords to things like D3RBBVXZ45, move everything out of place, and have the one with all the information not have a modem. (thus impossible to hack) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Captain Wilson Posted June 16, 2003 Share Posted June 16, 2003 very Gd GonkH8er very funny and very very true Now if i was an evil overlord i'd have none of this inprisonment. Have 1 very well payed army large, killing every one they met and live in a imprenatble bubble with everything i need. Any one close to me .ie advisers ect would have been up to fanticly worship me as god . and bomb every one. have sentry guns surrounding my bubble that shoot at any dna not of about 5 different people who would be most trusted people and fanatics to me. if one gun went down the bubble goes into space untill guns are fixxed. and bubble in middle of destert in a huge lead box wired for any breachs. A breach sends the bubble to space and anti missal missals. Now thats paraniora Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Agen Posted June 16, 2003 Share Posted June 16, 2003 Heh, i've read that before but some of it is truly classic I mean.... why tell the hero your plan before you try to kll them which will fail as soon as you stop watching... Good stuff. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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