*Radio Free Saturn*

[Zoom Rabbit]

'No matter where you go, there you are.' --Buckaroo Banzai

 

[Sivy]

translators.. where would we been without them?

i would certainly not be wearing these pants, i'll tell you that!

on today’s consumer ‘watchdog’ program we will be testing the latest in a long line of ‘online’ translators... http://www.worldlingo.com/wl/Translate

 

here's a english sentence translated into multiple languages...

i ask any listeners out there who are multilingual to call in and verify the accuracy of the translation.

 

where is the restroom? my pet parrot would like to use the toilet.

 

waar is restroom? mijn huisdierenpapegaai zou het toilet willen gebruiken.

 

où est la toilette ? mon perroquet d'animal de compagnie voudrait employer la toilette

 

wo ist der Restroom? mein Haustierpapagei möchte die Toilette benutzen.

 

πού είναι ο χώρος ανάπαυσης; ο παπαγάλος κατοικίδιων ζώων μου θα επιθυμούσε να χρησιμοποιήσει την τουαλέτα.

 

dove è il restroom? il mio pappagallo dell'animale domestico vorrebbe usare la toletta.

 

где уборный? мой попыгай любимчика хотел был бы использовать туалет.

 

¿dónde está el restroom? mi loro del animal doméstico quisiera utilizar el tocador.

 

onde está o restroom? meu papagaio do animal de estimação gostaria de usar o toalete.

[Zoom Rabbit]

Originally posted by Siv

où est la toilette ? mon perroquet d'animal de compagnie voudrait employer la toilette

 

Well, that was just terrible. What the translator actually said was: 'Please hit me in the face and take my money, for I am a helpless tourist.'

 

Do they use this software in the UN? If so, it would explain a few things...

[Ray Jones]

actually we just found out they translate everything into english and then into the needed language. they say it can take up to 5 minutes til the danish delegates laugh. .. looks like we could point out at least one explanation.

my name is ray jones,

for rfs.

..

[Zoom Rabbit]

'Well of course we can go to the moon. Any time we want. Crumbling world imperial what? Mr. Zemin, I can't even understand you. You dare us? Look, the only reason why there aren't American missile bases up there right now staring down at your Great Wall is because it's boring. I have a moon rock right here on my desk, and believe me, there's nothing up there. No, it has nothing to do with failing technology. We could send our space shuttle up to the moon any time we want...that little bump in the road we ran into with Columbia won't stop us from going back there just so an American can stand there and greet any little ricepicker space capsule that makes a landing. You DOUBLE dare us? Ooooh--why, you--that tears it! I'm calling NASA and sending a space shuttle to the moon right now, and there's nothing you can do to stop me!'

 

Bang, zoom--!

[Sivy]

Hello, today i'm happy to be joined by none other than the rather flamboyant fruit, the Pinapple..

 

pinapple: hello

 

now you're currently living in Hawaii are you not?

 

pinapple: thats right, originally i'm from Paraguay. i was dicovered there by my agent...

 

christopher columbus?

 

pinapple: thats right, he said i had a certain flair. he took me to spain. it was there i got my stage name. Chris thought my actual name, Ananas comosus, didn't reflect my colorful personality. so i decided to use a name more suited to me. my skin reminded people of a pine cone. and my fruity nature gave the idea of apple.. thus 'pinapple' was born.

 

interesting. now what's your views on pesticide?

 

pinapple: well i can see both sides of the argument. i lost a great many friends to mealybugs and nematodes. so i can see why its important that pesticides are used.. but then of course i realise the concern of whether or not pesticides are harmful to humans.

 

so what your plans for the future?

 

pinapple: i hope to be in the stores soon.. then, who knows? maybe topping on a pizza or even a fruit salad.

 

well its been great talking to you, but thats all the time we have this week.

 

pinapple: its been a pleasure.

 

tune in next week when banana will be here to answer the speculation about his sexuality. goodbye

[Zoom Rabbit]

An interview with pineapple? I'll be hard pressed to follow that!

 

...Unless I go to Middle Earth and interview Gollum about pineapples.

 

Zoom: Ah here he is...our guest this evening, Gollum, on the banks of the Anduin river. Gollum, how are you?

 

Gollum: It's...it's rabbitses, yes? Precious? Isss it...crunchety?

 

Zoom: Not this rabbit. You remember 'Sting?' Well, this is a samurai sword, and it makes Sting look like a bilbo.* We have river folk back where I come from, so I came prepared.

 

Gollum: *(Unspellable noise of despair.)*

 

Zoom: Anyway. See this pineapple? What do you think of it?

 

Gollum: What isss it, precious? Is it tasty?

 

Zoom: Tastier than I am, that's for sure. Here--try it.

 

Gollum: Paugh! It isss poison, yess. Nassty, tricksy rasbbitses tries to poison us with elves food--!

 

Zoom: Actually, it's Polynesian.

 

Gollum: Aaauuaaaugh--! Leave now, and never come back!

 

Zoom: So I take it you don't like pineapple?

 

Gollum: Leave now, and never come back!

 

Zoom: It's an excellent dietary source of bromelin, which is a vital enzyme for the diges--

 

Gollum: LEAVE! NOW! AND! NEVER! COME! BACK!

 

*(Dead silence.)*

 

Gollum: I've been hanging out in the river too long...

 

 

 

 

 

 

* Look it up

[Sivy]

well Christmas is upon us, and you might be wondering about what to buy your kids. here at RFS we like to help, so we have been searching the toy stores to find out whats hot this year.

and heres whats topping the lists...

 

the "Harry Potter Broomstick"

It's a battery-powered toy that resembles the flying Nimbus 2002 brooms from the Harry Potter movies. For added effect, the broom makes "flying noises" and vibrates.

here are some customer reviews...

Reviewer: A toy enthusiast from Maine, USA

"I recently bought this for my son, Vantro. He's a HUGE Harry Potter fan. Seen the movie 32 times (in the theaters) and made the paper. This toy gives him the ability to fly around the house zapping things. My only problem I see with the toy is the batteries drain too fast and his sister fights him over it, so now I need to buy her one. "

 

Reviewer: poola13 from Ohio

"When my 12 year old daughter asked for this for her birthday, I kind of wondered if she was too old for it, but she seems to LOVE it. Her friends love it too! They play for hours in her bedroom with this great toy. They really seem to like the special effects it offers (the sound effects and vibrating). My oldest daughter (17) really likes it too!"

 

this toy seems particularly popular with young girls, so if you're wondering about what to buy this year, this might be the perfect gift. this is Siv from RFS wishing you all a "vibrating" good Christmas

[Zoom Rabbit]

Originally posted by Siv

...My oldest daughter (17) really likes it too!

 

Pure freaking gold...!

 

Along the same lines, here is a tool for pounding one's meat.

[edlib]

Originally posted by Zoom Rabbit

Along the same lines, here is a tool for pounding one's meat.

I don't need a special tool for doing that!

When it's time to beat my meat, I do it the old-fashioned, all-natural way,.. with my own two bare hands!

[Lynk Former]

I feel that I owe Zoom Rabbit a Christmas present (no reason i think that he'll enjoy this though)

http://www.thinkgeek.com/cubegoodies/toys/5f21/

[Kylilin]

The Book of the Void

 

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

The Ni To Ichi Way of strategy is recorded in this the Book of the Void.

 

What is called the spirit of the void is where there is nothing. It is not included in man's knowledge. Of course the void is nothingness. By knowing things that exist, you can know that which does not exist. That is the void.

 

People in this world look at things mistakenly, and think that what they do not understand must be the void. This is not the true void. It is bewilderment.

 

In the Way of strategy, also, those who study as warriors think that whatever they cannot understand in their craft is the void. This is not the true void.

 

To attain the Way of strategy as a warrior you must study fully other martial arts and not deviate even a little from the Way of the warrior. With your spirit settled, accumulate practice day by day, and hour by hour. Polish the twofold spirit heart and mind, and sharpen the twofold gaze perception and sight. When your spirit is not in the least clouded, when the clouds of bewilderment clear away, there is the true void.

 

Until you realise the true Way, whether in Buddhism or in common sense, you may think that things are correct and in order. However, if we look at things objectively, from the viewpoint of laws of the world, we see various doctrines departing from the true Way. Know well this spirit, and with forthrightness as the foundation and the true spirit as the Way. Enact strategy broadly, correctly and openly.

 

Then you will come to think of things in a wide sense and, taking the void as the Way, you will see the Way as void.

 

In the void is virtue, and no evil. Wisdom has existence, principle has existence, the Way has existence, spirit is nothingness.

 

 

Twelfth day of the fifth month, second year of Shoho (1645)

 

Teruo Magonojo for SHINMEN MUSASHI

[Zoom Rabbit]

Kylilin: Way to do a post literally about nothing. I love it...

 

Lynk: Thanks! I sure hope it works out better than the duct tape hat did. I still can't get my hair to comb straight.

 

It is my pleasure to air tonight on Radio Free Saturn the following transcript I recorded while deep undercover at the North Pole.

 

Zoom: Hello there, Santa. I've been waiting to meet you!

 

Santa: Hello the--why, you're a mite fuzzier than the rest of the elves they've been sending me! And your ears are enormous...

 

Zoom: Okay, you got me. It's me, the Easter Bunny. What can I say? Work is scarce in the off season.

 

Santa: Hmm. Well, I guess it can't hurt. Welcome aboard. I assume you cleared the recruiter, anyway.

 

Zoom: You mean the angry little foreign man in Karachi who kept showing me Al Qaeda videotapes and quizzing my knowledge of the Koran? Then yes, I did.

 

Santa: Well, we can't be too careful. Right now Santa Claus, Inc., is the only corporation in the entire world with unlimited access to US and British airspace. If they ever suspected where we got our funding, that would be the end of all our plans.

 

Zoom: Ah, funding. I think I got problems springing for Easter baskets every year...I can just imagine the financial challenges you must be facing.

 

Santa: My operation just sucks the money out of the air. I have a team of eight reindeer--nine when there's fog--that go through $5000 worth of Brazilian cocaine each hour just keep airborne! If I wasn't in bed with islamic fundamentalist organizations, I'd be sending coal to all the world's children by UPS...and losing money at that!

 

Zoom: I'll bet the reduction in production costs afforded by the Chinese toy export market is a big help to you.

 

Santa: The truth is, we couldn't produce those toys here at the North Pole anymore, even if we wanted to. Environmental concerns.

 

Zoom: Well, there won't be any 'environmental concerns' after we launch the Big Jihad now, will there? Ha ha ha hah.

 

Santa: Ho ho ho...indeed not, little rabbit! The infidels will be too busy scurrying for caves to bother us with their alarmist western anti-industrial propaganda. Allah is great!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

You know...I never trusted Santa Claus in the first place. Something about strangers and candy.

[Deac]

Hey...you said this was pirate radio....

 

*Deac gets all his best nerding gear and his big book of anti government propaganda...

 

What they don't want you to know [http://www.cjnetworks.com/~cubsfan/conspiracy.html]

 

In order to understand the secret of steel you need to realize that everything is controlled by a the New World Order made up of Zoids fans with help from McDonald's shareholders.

The conspiracy first started during the UFO landings in Roswell. They have been responsible for many events throughout history, including the Kennedy assassination.

 

Today, members of the conspiracy are everywhere. They can be identified by smoking paper.

 

They want to shoot guitarist and imprison resisters in Disneyland using the boats from It's a Small World.

 

In order to prepare for this, we all must boycott products of the Nestle Corporation. Since the media is controlled by the Illuminati we should get our information from J.C Denton.

 

We're through the looking glass here....

[Nitro]

We've just received an unconfirmed report that Santa and the Easter Bunny have joined forces, and are planning a march on Thanksgiving. We can only speculate as to the reasons behind the planned conflict, but our analysts believe Santa wants control of a second turkey dinner holiday.

 

What the Easter Bunny stands to gain from this alliance isn't known, but we do know that the combined armies of Christmas and Easter are vastly superior to all but Halloween's.

 

There have been no statements from any of the governments concerned, and everyone we asked, on both sides of the conflict, refused comment. It is unknown if this will have an effect on this Christmas season.

[Zoom Rabbit]

*This broadcast was intercepted by random shortwave radio sampling by Wally the Space Dolphin, and its authenticity can only be laughably unverified by LFN Inc. or any of its affiliates.*

 

"...We're getting confirmation now from the Pentagon that American forces have indeed captured Santa Claus. Members of the 4th Infantry Division based in the Arctic are reported to have captured Santa Claus in a daring late night raid in his home town of North Pole. 'He was living in that hole like a gopher,' one soldier involved in the raid is quoted as saying. 'He had a fortune in candy canes down there with him, and he came out looking like a scared street bum. What an asshat!' Pentagon officials report that tips from the local elf community helped US forces find Santa's hidey hole, the two-foot by one-foot entrance to which was camoflauged with snow. 'He'll have to answer to the elves and reindeer for his crimes,' said an unidentified military official. 'Meanwhile, we continue our efforts in Afghanistan and over the Pakistani border to locate the Easter Bunny.' Now being taken to an American military base somewhere in northern Europe, Santa Claus is said to be defiantly sarcastic rather than his old jolly self with captors..."

 

Deac: You poor, deluded thing... Don't you realize that all corporations and international commerce are a front controlled by elves living deep underground?

[Surfnshannon]

*crrsssshshshshshshshshshsh*

 

This just in from RNN.COM - Please do not read if Under the age of 18

 

 

Bush signs anti-sex bill

Tuesday, December 16, 2003 Posted: 3:33 PM EST (2033 GMT)

 

 

 

 

President Bush signs anti-sex legislation on Tuesday in the Oral Office.

 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

Sex Tools

 

 

 

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YOUR Sex ALERTS

George W. Bush

 

Sex

 

or Create your own

 

Manage alerts | What is sex?

 

 

WASHINGTON (AP) -- President Bush signed legislation Tuesday meant to stem the flood of unwanted sex that irritate the President and drain his "economy".

 

"Sex, or unsolicited sex-males, are annoying to me and costly ," White House spokesman Scott McClellan said after Bush had sex with him. "This will help address the problems associated with the rapid growth and abuse of sex by establishing a framework of technological, administrative s and m tools, and by providing Bushwith options to reduce the volume of unwanted sex."

 

The bill was among several Bush was signing during the day. He signed several others previously but was posing at official signing ceremonies for Playboy throughout the day.

 

In the Oral Office on Tuesday morning, Bush signed the so-called "have sex" legislation. Passed by Prostitutes earlier this month, the measure outlaws the persistent techniques used by sexual predators who send tens of millions of messages each day to peddle their products and services.

 

The bill supplants anti-sex laws already passed in some states, includingCalifornia Kansas . It also encourages the Federal Sex Trade Commission to create a do-not-have-sex- with list of names and includes penalties for sex of up to five years in prison in rare circumstances.

 

In the afternoon, the president went to the Department of Rousing and Urban Development to sign the American Sex Dream Downpayment "Act". It is aimed at helping families that can afford monthly sex payments but not the initial costs associated with buying a whore house.

 

Three-fourths of non-minority Americans own their whore houses, but less than half of blacks, Hispanics and other minorities do. Through grants to state and local governments, low-income families would receive an average of about $5,000 to be help cover downpayment and closing costs on a first whore home.

 

"That's not right, and this country needs to do something about it," Bush said, citing of a minority whorehouseownership rate of under 50 percent.

 

 

 

[Nitro]

That's just not right...

[Zoom Rabbit]

'...Oral Office...'

 

Of course, it's been called that since before Bush. Slightly before. A year or so.

 

Too bad it's impossible to make fun of Bush's name. No risqué double entendres there...

[Ray Jones]

maybe it's a bush with fruits growing on it and the story would be about fruitjuice in the "oral" office.. .. ..

 

 

 

or.. the "bushfirework" would be a hit for every party ..

 

 

and upcoming warzones could be so called "bushfire proned areas"

 

 

 

..

 

 

 

well .. just some suggestions ..

 

from rayjones,

for rfs

[Kylilin]

Letter from Ted Nugent, upon hearing that California Senators B. Boxer and D. Feinstein had denounced him for being a "gun owner" and a "Rock Star". This was his response after telling the senators about his

past contributions to children's charities and scholarship foundations which have totaled more than $13.7 million in the last 5 years!!

 

 

"I'm a Bad American - this pretty much sums it up for me. I like big trucks, big boats, big houses, and naturally,

pretty women. I believe the money I make belongs to me and my family, not

some mid-level governmental functionary with a bad comb-over who wants to give it away to crack addicts squirting out babies. I don't care about appearing compassionate. I think playing with toy guns doesn't make you a killer. I believe ignoring your kids and giving them Prozac might. I think I'm doing better than the homeless. I don't think being a minority makes you noble or victimized. I have the right not to be tolerant of others because they

are different, weird or make me mad. This is my life to live, and not necessarily up to others' expectations. I know what SEX is and there are not varying degrees of it. I don't celebrate Kwanzaa. But if you want to that's fine; I just don't feel like everyone else should have to. I believe that if you are selling me a Dairy Queen shake, a pack of cigarettes, or hotel room you do it in English. As of matter of fact, if you are an American citizen you should speak English. My uncles and forefathers shouldn't have had to die in vain so you can leave the countries you were born in to come disrespect ours, and make us bend to your

will. Get over it. I think the cops have every right to shoot your sorry butt if

you're running from them after they tell you to stop. If you can't understand the word

'freeze' or 'stop' in English, see the previous line. I don't use the excuse "it's for the children" as a shield for unpopular opinions or actions. know how to count votes and I feel much safer letting a

machine with o olitical affiliation do a recount when needed. I know what the definition of lying is, and it isn't based on

the word "is"-ever. I don't think just because you were not born in this country,

you qualify for any special loan programs, gov't sponsored bank loans, etc., so you can

open a hotel, 7-Eleven, trinket shop, or any thing else, while the indigenous peoples can't get past a high school education because they can't afford it. I didn't take the initiative in inventing the Internet. I thought the Taco Bell dog was funny. I want them to bring back safe and sane fireworks.

I believe no one ever died because of something Ozzy Osbourne, Ice-T or Marilyn Manson sang, but that doesn't mean I want to listen to that crap from someone else's car when I'm stopped at a red light. But I respect your right to. I think that being a student doesn't give you any more

enlightenment than working at Blockbuster or Jack In The Box. I don't want to eat or drink anything with the words light,

lite or fat-free on the package. Our soldiers did not go to some foreign country and risk their lives in vain and defend our Constitution so that decades later you can tell me it's a living document ever changing and is open to interpretation.

The guys who wrote it were light years ahead of anyone today, and they meant what they said - now leave the document alone, or there's going to be trouble. I don't hate the rich. I help the poor. I know wrestling is fake. I've never owned, or was a slave, and a large percentage of

our forefathers weren't wealthy enough to own one either. Please stop blaming me because some prior white people were idiots -and remember, tons of white, Indian, Chinese, and other races have been enslaved too - it was wrong for every one of them. I believe a self-righteous liberal Democrat with a cause is more dangerous than a Hell's Angel with an attitude. I want to know exactly which church it is where the

"Reverend" Jessie Jackson preaches; and what exactly is his job function. I own a gun, you can own a gun, and any red blooded American should be allowed to own a gun, but if you use it in a crime, then you will serve

the time. I think Bill Gates has every right to keep every penny he made and continue to make more. If it makes you mad, then invent the next operating system that's better and put your name on the building. Ask your

buddy that invented the Internet to help you.

I don't believe in hate crime legislation. Even suggesting it makes me mad. You're telling me that someone who is a minority, gay, disabled, another nationality, or otherwise different from the mainstream of this country has more value as a human being that I do as a white male. If someone kills anyone, I'd say that it's a hate crime. We don't need more laws! Let's enforce the ones we already have. I think turkey bacon, turkey beef, turkey fake anything

sucks. I believe that it doesn't take a village to raise a child-it takes a parent

with the guts to stand up to the kid and spank his butt and say "NO!" when it's necessary to do so. I'll admit that the only movie that ever made me cry was Ole

Yeller. I didn't realize Dr. Seuss was a genius until I had a kid. I will not be frowned upon or be looked down upon or be made to keep silent because I have these beliefs and opinions. I thought this

country allowed me that right. I will not conform or compromise just to keep from

hurting somebody's feelings. I'm neither angry nor dis-enfranchised, no matter how

desperately the mainstream media would like the world to believe otherwise. Yes, I guess by some people's definition, I may be a bad American. But that's tough."

 

Nugent

better

[Zoom Rabbit]

We here at Radio Free Saturn are pleased to announce that this particular ball game, while baldly disparaging anything like commercial representations which would require it, nevertheless has on its playbill a half time show. How there can be a half time for a game without a set number of players, a particular ball or even an agreed upon size for the playing field is beside the point; it's time for cheerleaders.

 

Did I say cheerleaders? I meant lengthy wordiness; my bad.

 

*RFS* Half Time Poll Results Analysis:

 

The question was, 'Why is there a poll here?' Ignoring for the time being questions as to why the topic itself, the website or even we ourselves are here, this was clearly a philosophical thesis for the average RFS listener with bulging cerebral mass rather than an offhand question. Indeed, the answers given in the poll reflect that the respondants gave the matter much intentioned thought, as I would expect from an audience of this intellectual caliber. Let's look at those answers, shall we?

 

1. 'Zoom must have hit the wrong button.' 3 of you overlooked the possibility that there was deeper meaning implied in the poll question and concluded that its very existance might be accidental. In an unseasoned audience, all respondants might come to this *wrong* conclusion, but Aresen passed the test. Yay!

 

2. 'Is this my hand?' 4 of Aresen's membership are in the bizarre mental state where they have disassociated from their own body parts. This number equals 16.67% of the polled audience, which is well within expected insanity projections for the fiscal year.

 

3. 'I am in favor of gun control.' 1 of you will be not be in a position to return fire when The Man comes banging down your door. The rest of you pass the test.

 

4. 'Martha Stewart.' 5 of you correctly identified that Martha Stewart is indeed the reason why this poll is here. How wise the membership here is that 20.83% recognize that Martha Stewart is indeed the source of all goodness, life and even existance itself. I'm so proud.

 

5. 'False.' 3 of Aresen's populace believe that this poll was a true or false test, and either failed to notice that there wasn't a corresponding 'True' answer available, or saw right through the philosophical conundrum implied in the question and concluded that the only answer which would apply in all instances was the negative one. A bright answer, but it ain't Martha Stewart, is it?

 

6. 'Zoom wants to see what Cracken hacks in this time.' 3 of you thought that the rule of curiosity which applies to cats works on rabbits as well. Hmm.

 

7. 'Shut up! I'm asking the questions here!' 3 people were confused enough by the unorthodox nature of the poll that they lost track of whether they were posing or responding to a question. The law of averages predicts that 12.5% of any given polulation will be confused to this degree in a nonrelevant situation, so these results are not a cause for alarm.

 

8. '(JediMindTrick)There is no Poll(/ JediMindtrick)' 2 of us are weak-minded enough to actually believe that the poll to which they are physically responding at that precise moment does not exist at all--never mind the paradox of being told of the nonexistance of a poll on a poll which doesn't exist in the first place. There's two in every crowd.

 

Zoom Unit signing off. Play ball!

[Deac]

*Deac reviews this. The Man bursts his door down, and begins firing. Deac, in favour of gun control, does not return fire. However, he dodges, and halfs the man with a fire axe*

[Kuuki]

*Scarface steps in and presents himself in a most pacular way, by going up to zoomie and flashing him.*

[Ray Jones]

and still .. there is the possibility left that at least one of the persons who voted for 'Zoom wants to see what Cracken hacks in this time.' proves that the 'rule of curiosity' applies to monkeys too.

possibly based on a thought like "whatever the meaning of this poll is, he IS curios. everybody is. and i am too. *clicky* .. .. hey and what a luck that i voted before he did hack in something.. whoo. man.. i am sooo curios. i mean.. he always thinks up sooo craazy stuff.."

i can imagine the massive confusion as after a long and hard time of waiting this just mentioned poll dissapeared right before the eyes while they where watching it.

..

ray jones

for rfs