The Lighter Side of Life (jokes, humor, etc.)

Steve, Bob, and Jeff were working on a very high scaffolding one day when suddenly, Steve falls off and is killed instantly. After the ambulance leaves with Steve's body, Bob and Jeff realize that one of them is going to have to tell Steve's wife.

Bob says he's good at this sort of sensitive stuff, so he volunteers to do the job.

After two hours he returns, carrying a six-pack of beer.

"So did you tell her?" asks Jeff.

"Yep", replied Bob.

"Say, where did you get the six-pack?"

Bob informs Jeff. "She gave it to me!"

"What??" exclaims Jeff, "you just told her her husband died and she gave you a six-pack??"

"Sure," Bob says.

"Why?" asks Jeff.

"Well," Bob continues, "when she answered the door, I asked her, 'are you Steve's widow?' 'Widow?', she said, 'no, no, you're mistaken, I'm not a widow!'

So I said: "I'll bet you a six-pack you ARE!'"

Owned/pwned pics:

http://flambore.com/linktrack/images/0328050wned.jpg

http://www.iceteks.com/forums/uploads/post-21-1097897308_mariopwnedjpg.jpg

http://packy.dardan.com/walky/albums/gwalla/aar.jpg

http://www.gabor-nagy.com/pwned.jpg

MdKnightR · December 5, 2005

All of these except number eight should be work safe:
http://img204.imageshack.us/img204/2752/billclin14mh.jpg

http://www.45acp.org/ACE%20HARDWARE%20AD.jpg

http://www.45acp.org/Advert.jpg

http://www.45acp.org/cold.jpg

http://www.45acp.org/you%20named%20it%20what77.jpg

http://kc5mpk.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/image005.jpg

http://www.djron.com/bs/b017.jpg

Great stuff. The ones above are my favorites! Thanks for the good bellylaugh!

REDJOHNNYMIKE · December 6, 2005

It seems Hal has encountered opposition from the prince himself:D

In fairness and simplicity, pick one PWND to represent for the title:D

@D-Mo, some of those insaneent links don't work on this end????

My fav was the guy who passed out at the frat:lol:

Jeff · December 6, 2005

Oh, I was moving some pics around to different folders yesterday, sorry. Once I get them all in the folders I want I'll edit the links.

REDJOHNNYMIKE · December 6, 2005

You store PWND pics on your PC???

That's 50 points right there:D

Renegade Angel · December 10, 2005

Darn, i couldn't find the pictures for these but I'll try....

Funny Error windows

1) Your keyboard is not responding. Press any key to continue.

2) Microsft windows 2000 Virus Scanner has detected and infected file: Microsoft Windows 2000. Would you like to delete this file?

I can't seem to find the pics though....

REDJOHNNYMIKE · December 10, 2005

Funny, similar thing happened the other day, It wouldn't load windows, wouldn't recognize the board or mouse, and after the choices timed out it still didn't do anything.

Works now though XD

*hugs windows* She's just so fickle

RevanA4 · December 10, 2005

Darn, i couldn't find the pictures for these but I'll try....

Funny Error windows

1) Your keyboard is not responding. Press any key to continue.

2) Microsft windows 2000 Virus Scanner has detected and infected file: Microsoft Windows 2000. Would you like to delete this file?

I can't seem to find the pics though....

nope that is actaully keyboard failer press f1 to continue or press f2 to run setup

Star Trek TNG Meets Microsoft

Picard: Mr. LaForge, have you had any success with your attempts at finding a weakness in the Borg? And Mr. Data, have you been able to access their command pathways?

Geordi: Yes, Captain. In fact, we found the answer by searching through our archives on late Twentieth-century computing technology.

Geordi presses a key, and a logo appears on the computer screen.

Riker [puzzled] What the hell is Microsoft?

Data [turns to explain] Allow me to explain. We will send this program, for some reason called Windows, through the Borg command pathways. Once inside their root command unit, it will begin consuming system resources at an unstoppable rate.

Picard: But the Borg have the ability to adapt. Won't they alter their processing systems to increase their storage capacity?

Data: Yes, Captain. But when Windows detects this, it creates a new version of itself known as an upgrade. The use of resources increases exponentially with each iteration. The Borg will not be able to adapt quickly enough. Eventually all of their processing ability will be taken over and none will be available for their normal operational functions.

Picard: Excellent work. This is even better than that unsolvable geometric shape idea.

. . . . 15 Minutes Later . . .

Data: Captain, we have successfully installed the Windows in the Borg's command unit. As expected, it immediately consumed 85% of all available resources. However, we have not received any confirmation of the expected upgrade.

Geordi: Our scanners have picked up an increase in Borg storage and CPU capacity, but we still have no indication of an upgrade to compensate for their increase.

Picard: Data, scan the history banks again and determine if there is something we have missed.

Data: Sir, I believe there is a reason for the failure in the upgrade. Appearently the Borg have circumvented that part of the plan by not sending in their registration cards.

Riker: Captain, we have no choice. Requesting permission to begin emergency escape sequence 3F!

Geordi: [excited] Wait, Captain! Their CPU capacity has suddenly dropped to 0%!

Picard: Data, what do your scanners show?

Data: [studying displays] Appearently the Borg have found the internal Windows module named Solitaire, and it has used up all available CPU capacity.

Picard: Lets wait and see how long this Solitaire can reduce their functionality.

. . . . Two Hours Pass . . .

Riker: Geordi, what is the status of the Borg?

Geordi: As expected, the Borg are attempting to re-engineer to compensate for increased CPU and storage demands, but each time they successfully increase resources I have setup our closest deep space monitor beacon to transmit more Windows modules from something called the Microsoft Fun-Pack.

Picard: How much time will that buy us?

Data: Current Borg solution rates allow me to predict an interest time span of 6 more hours.

Geordi: Captain, another vessel has entered our sector.

Picard: Identify.

Data: It appears to have markings very similar to the Microsoft logo...

[over the speakers] This is Admiral Bill Gates of the Microsoft flagship MONOPOLY. We have positive confirmation of unregistered software in this sector. Surrender all assets and we can avoid any trouble. You have 10 seconds to comply.

Data: The alien ship has just opened its forward hatches and released thousands of humanoid-shaped objects.

Picard: Magnify forward viewer on the alien craft!

Riker: My God, captain! Those are human beings floating straight toward the Borg ship - with no life support suits! How can they survive the tortures of deep space?!

Data: I dont believe that those are humans, sir. If you will look closer I believe you will see that they are carrying something recognized by twenty-first century man as doeskin leather briefcases, and wearing Armani suits.

Riker and Picard, together [horrified]: Lawyers!!

Geordi: It can't be. All the Lawyers were rounded up and sent hurtling into the sun in 2017 during the Great Awakening.

Data: True, but appearently some must have survived.

Riker: They have surrounded the Borg ship and are covering it with all types of papers.

Data: I believe that is known in ancient vernacular as red tape. It often proves fatal.

Riker: They're tearing the Borg to pieces!

Picard: Turn the monitors off, Data, I cant bear to watch. Even the Borg doesn't deserve such a gruesome death!

*hides from darth333*

Renegade Angel · December 10, 2005

Nice bust on Microsoft, alrhough I have to admit I like Windows, that was pretty good.

MdKnightR · December 10, 2005

Ugh! More microsoft pseudohumor.

Hallucination · December 10, 2005

So Microsoft saves the world in the future? Man the world is messed up...

The Doctor · December 11, 2005

Another PWNED pic:

OoMandaloreoO · December 11, 2005

hahahah lame man

Vladimir-Vlada · December 11, 2005

Ha Ha Ha Ha. Nice job with with that Star Trek meets Microsoft story.

Now let's make more fun out of Star Wars and Star Trek:

For Star Wars:

Star Wars Vs. Titanic

"21 Reasons Why Star Wars Is Better Than Titanic" (really I think that one reason is enough, but what the hell)

1. The Titanic is big, but it doesn't have hyperdrive.

2. Yoda could use the Force to lift Titanic out of the water.

3. Leia is a princess, a senator, a freedom fighter, and Jedi material; Rose is just marriage bait.

4. Ewoks throw better parties than either first class or steerage.

5. When flying towards the Titanic, Wedge can't say, "Look at the size of that thing!" and really mean it.

6. It would be much scarier to get chased around the boat by a raving madman with a lightsaber as opposed to a handgun.

7. Titanic is egalitarian by portraying poor people as sympathetic characters. Star Wars is egalitarian by promoting bug-eyed amphibians to Admiral.

8. Said bug-eyed amphibious Admiral manages NOT to lose his ship.

9. We know Cal is the bad guy because he sneers at the poor and treats his fiancee like property. We know Darth Vader is the bad guy because he strangles people and blows up planets for fun.

10. Yeah, Leo can dance, but can he fly an X-wing?

11. Rose braves icy water to rescue her man. Leia braves Jabba the Hutt.

12. There are always enough escape pods in Star Wars.

13. Do you know what the Empire does to self-proclaimed "kings of the world?"

14. If Luke were handcuffed to a pipe below decks in a sinking ship, he would use the Force to get the key.

15. Nothing has the same sting as "I'd rather kiss a Wookie."

16. Han is frozen in carbonite and turned into a wall ornament. Leo simply freezes.

17. Han Solo would've steered clear of that stinkin' iceberg!

18. We knew the boat was gonna sink. But who could've anticipated, "Luke....I am your father."?

19. Stormtroopers blast big holes in stupid minor characters; everyone in Titanic was a stupid minor character.

20. When Star Wars was proclaimed coolest movie of all time by half of planet earth, George Lucas did not make a dork of himself at the Oscars.

21. Titanic morals: a. gamble, b. cheat on your husband, c. pose nude for pictures, d. premarital sex is OK if you're infatuated.

Star Wars morals: a. fight evil, b. do good, c. respect all life even if it's ugly and slithers, d. rescue princess, e. save planet.

For Star Trek:

The TOP TEN Favorite Activities of Capt. Jean-Luc Picard

1. Ordering Earl Grey tea from the computer, then smacking himself on the forehead and saying "I could have had a V-8!"

2. Yelling "Punchbuggy!" and hitting Riker's arm whenever he sees a shuttlecraft

3. Screwing around in the holodeck when he ought to be on the bridge

4. Spotlighting unsuspecting crewmembers with the glare from his forehead

5. Lecturing everybody on why it's rude to fire the phasers at other life-forms

6. Sending crank subspace messages to Starfleet Command asking if Dick Hertz is there

7. Asking Beverly Crusher to come to his quarters so he can show her "a REAL Picard Maneuver"

8. Ticking off Romulan commanders during tense confrontations in the Neutral Zone by asking "Are those Bugle Boy jeans you're wearing?"

9. Telling crewmembers in menacing, Dirty Harry voice, "Go ahead, Make it so"

10. Putting banana peels on the transporter pads just before an away team beams back up

RevanA4 · December 11, 2005

Ugh! More microsoft pseudohumor.

oh grow up

all I was looking for were jokes and that one just killed me.

especailly the part I have in bold

*runs away from darth333*

don't worrie darth333 your ok in my book

MdKnightR · December 12, 2005

oh grow up

Two-way street, my friend.

The Doctor · December 12, 2005

I love the Picard thing, Vlad!

Vladimir-Vlada · December 12, 2005

I love the Picard thing, Vlad!

Thanks.

The TOP TEN Favorite Activities of Capt. Jean-Luc Picard

1. Ordering Earl Grey tea from the computer, then smacking himself on the forehead and saying "I could have had a V-8!"

2. Yelling "Punchbuggy!" and hitting Riker's arm whenever he sees a shuttlecraft

3. Screwing around in the holodeck when he ought to be on the bridge

4. Spotlighting unsuspecting crewmembers with the glare from his forehead

5. Lecturing everybody on why it's rude to fire the phasers at other life-forms

6. Sending crank subspace messages to Starfleet Command asking if Dick Hertz is there

7. Asking Beverly Crusher to come to his quarters so he can show her "a REAL Picard Maneuver"

8. Ticking off Romulan commanders during tense confrontations in the Neutral Zone by asking "Are those Bugle Boy jeans you're wearing?"

9. Telling crewmembers in menacing, Dirty Harry voice, "Go ahead, Make it so"

10. Putting banana peels on the transporter pads just before an away team beams back up

I wish I watched more Star Trek to understand these jokes and have fun remembering Star Trek.

Vladimir-Vlada · December 12, 2005

hahahah lame man

20 posts, and he is already banned... He breaks even my record.

The Doctor · December 12, 2005

^I think it ight be only a temporary. I think Prime commented on it at some point.

The Lighter Side of Life (jokes, humor, etc.)

Recommended Posts

Link to comment

Share on other sites

Link to comment

Share on other sites

Link to comment

Share on other sites

Link to comment

Share on other sites

Link to comment

Share on other sites

Link to comment

Share on other sites

Link to comment

Share on other sites

Link to comment

Share on other sites

Link to comment

Share on other sites

Link to comment

Share on other sites

Link to comment

Share on other sites

Link to comment

Share on other sites

Link to comment

Share on other sites

Link to comment

Share on other sites

Link to comment

Share on other sites

Link to comment

Share on other sites

Link to comment

Share on other sites

Link to comment

Share on other sites

Link to comment

Share on other sites

Link to comment

Share on other sites

Link to comment

Share on other sites

Link to comment

Share on other sites

Link to comment

Share on other sites

Link to comment

Share on other sites

Link to comment

Share on other sites

Archived