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Xenocidal

By Xenocidal
in Ahto Spaceport Cantina

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jblue789 Newbie

jblue789

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Anyways, back on topic:

 

When Noah built his ark, he had two snakes aboard. When the animals were leaving, he said, "Go forth and multiply."

 

The snakes didn't move.

 

"Go forth and multiply!"

 

They still didn't move.

 

Noah was yelling by now. "

 

Go forth and multiply!" "We can't," they answered.

 

Noah was confused. "Why not?"

 

"We're adders."

===

Why doesn't Tigger have any friends?

He plays with Pooh...

===

One day George W. Bush and Dick Cheney walk into a diner. A waitress walks up to them and asks if she can take their order. Bush leans close to her and says, "Honey, can I have a quickie?"

The waitress is appalled and yells at the President about women's rights and storms away.

 

Cheney then says to Bush, "George, its pronounced 'quiche'."

===

One day Bill Clinton and Al Gore walk into a diner. A waitress walks up to them and asks if she can take their order. Clinton leans close to her and says, "Honey, can I have a quickie?"

The waitress is appalled and yells at the President about women's rights and storms away.

 

Gore then says to Clinton, "Bill, its pronounced 'quiche'."

 

Clinton replies to his Vice President, "I know."

===

An American is trying to get away from the hustle and bustle of the big world, so he decides to move to Shetland, Scotland. He's there, in a little cabin, for 3 months and he never once sees another human. Early in the morning he hears a knock on his door, so he decides to investigate.

 

At his front door is a very big Scottish man, the Scott says to the American, "I notice you've been up here for about 3 months without talking to anyone, so I'm going to invite you to a big Shetland party. But I warn you, there will be lots of food, more food than most people can handle!"

 

The American responds, "Well, back when i was in highschool, I use to win all of the eating contests I was in, I think I can handle myself."

 

"Alright, but I warn you, after that we're going to get drunk, Shetland style!"

 

"Well, I've always been known for being able to hold my liquor, I use to go out drinking every night back in America."

 

"Alright, but after that there'll be lots of singing. We always sing at the Shetland parties!"

 

"I was in chorus back in my school days, and I'm told I have a pretty decent voice, I'm sure I'll be fine."

 

"Alright, but after we sing they'll be a fight! There's always a fight, and it can get mighty ugly."

 

"Well you know, when I was in the army, I use to be the boxing champion of my platoon. I think I can stand my own."

 

"If you say so, but after that there'll be sex! Wild Shetland Sex!"

 

"You know, I've been up here for 3 months without any human contact, I wouldn't mind some wild sex."

 

"Oh, well thats good."

 

"But wait, what should I wear?"

 

"Come as you are boy, it'll just be you and me."

===

A 70-year-old man went to the doctor's for a physical. The doctor ran some tests and said to the man, "Well, everything seems to be in top condition physically, but what about mentally? How is your connection with God?"

 

And the man answered, "Oh me and God? We have a really tight bond, he's so good to me. Every night when I have to get up to go to the bathroom, he turns on the light for me, and then, when I leave, he turns it back off."

 

The Doctor was astonished. He called the man's wife and said, "I'd like to speak to you about your husband's connection with God. He claims that every night when he needs to use the restroom, God turns on the light for him and turns it off for him again when he leaves. Is this true?"

 

And she said, "That idiot, he's been peeing in the refrigerator!"

===

A man goes to his Urologist (wang doctor) on a Monday and says to the doctor, "Doc, my wang is orange!" the doctor replies "What do you mean your wang is orange?" The man pulls down his pants and says "Look, Doc, it turned orange!" So the doctor asks the man, "Well, what did you do this weekend?" and the man answers, "Just the usual, watching porn and eating Cheetos."

===

A man went to the doctor and yelled out, "DOCTOR! I HAVE FIVE WANGS!"

 

"Good god, man!" the doctor replied. "How do your trousers fit you?"

 

"Like a glove."

===

What do you call a chicken with 3 eyes?

A chiiiken.

===

(may be offensive, but it's meant to be funny, not offensive)

A man walks into a bar and orders 2 shots with a frown.

 

"What's wrong, man?" the bartender asked.

 

"I just found out my son is gay. :/"

 

"Well, that's not that bad... a diverse family, eh? :P"

 

The next day, the man came back.

 

"What wrong now?"

 

"I found out my other two sons are gay."

 

"Geez, doesn't anyone in your family other than you like women?" The bartender said with raised eyebrows.

 

"Yeah... my wife."

===

Why do seagulls fly over the sea?

Because if they flew over the bay they'd be bagels.

===

A chicken farmer went into a local tavern and took a seat at the bar next to a woman patron and orders a glass of champagne.

 

The woman perks up and says, "How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!"

 

He turned to her and said, "What a coincidence. This is a special day for me; I'm celebrating."

 

"This is a special day for me, too, and I'm also celebrating!," says the woman.

 

"What a coincidence," says the man. They clinked glasses and he asked, "What are you celebrating?"

 

"My husband and I have been trying to have a child. Today, my gynecologist told me I'm pregnant!"

 

"What a coincidence," says the man. "I'm a chicken farmer. For years all my hens were infertile, but today they're finally fertile."

 

"That's great!" says the woman, "how did your chickens become fertile?"

 

" I switched *****,"(another name for male chicken)

he replied.

 

"What a coincidence," she said.

 

===

<blonde jokes>

 

A blonde was driving in her car when she saw another blonde rowing a canoe in the middle of the sidewalk.

 

She pulled over and said, "What do you think you're doing?! It's people like you who give us blondes a bad name. If I could swim I'd come over and kick your ass!"

===

Three blondes were taking a walk in the country when they came upon a line of tracks.

 

The first blonde said, "Those must be deer tracks!"

 

The second blonde said, "No, stupid, anyone can tell those are rabbit tracks!"

 

The third blonde said, "No, you idiots, those are horse tracks!"

 

They where still arguing ten minutes later when a train hit them.

===

Why was the blonde mad after getting her driver's license?

She got an F in sex.

===

A brunette walks up to a lamp and rubs it and a genie appears.

 

"Three wishes, yadayada," the genie said. "However, everything you ask for, all the blondes in the world get double."

 

"Alright, I wish I had one billion dollars."

 

"Very well, you now have one billion dollars and every blonde now has two."

 

"I wish I had a really sexy lover."

 

"Very well, you now have a sexy lover, and every blonde has two."

 

The brunette then pointed at something and said, "I want you to beat me half to death with that bat."

</blonde jokes>

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Darth Smaug Newbie

Darth Smaug

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This girl is walking in the jungle.Suddenly she hears something...Tarzan jumps outta the bushes and scares the girl.

Girl : Tarzan do you want to give me a heart-attack?

Tarzan : Sorry i don't see girls here very often

Girl : i was wondering Tarzan did you ever had sex?

Tarzan : yes i had with that hole in that tree there

Girl : I mean with a human-being Tarzan

Tarzan : Oh........No

Girl : would you like to have sex with me Tarzan? A human Being?

Tarzan : Yeah Yeah Yeah!!!!

The girl undresses and lies on the floor and is spredding her legs..

Tarzan runs to the girl and KICKS her in her puss.

Girl : OOOWWW!!!What was that for???

Tarzan : To look if there where any squirels inside.

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Xenocidal Newbie

Xenocidal

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The boss of a Madison Avenue advertising agency called a

spontaneous staff meeting in the middle of a particularly stressful

week.

When everyone gathered, the boss, who understood the benefits of having fun, told the burnt out staff the purpose of the meeting was to have a quick contest.

 

The theme was Viagra advertising slogans. The only rule was that they had to use past ad slogans, originally written for other

products that captured the essence of Viagra.

 

Slight variations were acceptable. About seven minutes later, they turned in their suggestions and created a Top Ten List. With all the laughter and camaraderie, the rest of the week went very well for everyone.

 

The top ten were:

 

10. Viagra, Whaazzzz up!

9. Viagra, The quicker pecker upper.

8. Viagra, Like a rock!

7. Viagra, When it absolutely, positively has to be there

overnight.

6. Viagra, Be all that you can be.

5. Viagra, Reach out and touch someone.

4. Viagra, Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman.

3. Viagra, home of the whopper!

2. Viagra, We bring good things to Life!

 

And the unanimous number one slogan:

1. This is your penis. This is your penis on drugs.

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Xenocidal Newbie

Xenocidal

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Viagra: rise and shine.

Viagra: Wholesome family fun.

Viagra: Take a vacation to Viagra Falls

Viagra: Wave hello

Viagra: Stand up for your rights

Viagra: Rase your flag.

Viagra: From a volkswagon to a limo in no time

Viagra: It takes a lickin' and keeps on tickin'.

Viagra: It's easy to point the finger than take the baby.

Viagra: not suitable for children, aim away from face.

Viagra: And you thought the first baby was worth it...

Viagra: Wink and I'll do the rest.

Viagra: Jingle bells, jingle bells..

Viagra: Hotdog big enough for buns.

Viagra: Up, Up and AWAY.

Viagra: Do not drink contents.

Viagra: Off-road fury.

Viagra: Make Bill Clinton proud.

Viagra: And Hilary happy.

Viagra: Wheres the meat!?!

Viagra: The new twelve inch with mayo on the side.

Viagra: Hello, is it me your looking for?

Viagra: Ctrl+Alt+Del

Viagra: Backup your harddrive.

Viagra: Wireless.

Viagra: Finger lickin' good.

Viagra: Now you don't have to pay for the internet.

Viagra: Plant it on the moon.

Viagra: Room to grow.

 

My bro helped on these ones.

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ChAiNz.2da Newbie

ChAiNz.2da

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Posted

BUTT MEASUREMENT

 

A man and his wife were working in their garden one day and the man looks over at his wife and says, "Your butt is getting really big, I mean really big. I bet your butt is bigger than the barbecue."

 

With that he proceeded to get a measuring tape and measure the grill and then went over to where his wife was working and measured his wife's bottom.

 

"Yes, I was right, your butt is two inches wider than the barbecue!!!"

 

The woman chose to ignore her husband. Later that night in bed, the husband is feeling a little frisky. He makes some advances towards his wife who completely brushes him off.

 

"What's wrong?" he asks.

 

She answers, "Do you really think I'm going to fire up this big-ass grill for one little weenie?"

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Edawan Newbie

Edawan

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Some of my favourites:

 

- Doctor I have memory problems...

- And when did that start?

- When did what start?

 

Q: What's small, cute, and knocking on the window?

A: A baby in a microwave oven.

 

Q: What's worse than one baby in a trashcan?

A: One baby in two trashcans.

 

A dyslexic sold his soul to Santa...

 

And finaly, a rather strange one:

A man goes to his doctor:

- Doctor, my wife is pregnant, and errr... I wondered if errr......

Precedind his question, the doctor replies:

- Don't worry! you can still safely have sex for some months.

- Oh no, it's something else: I just wanted to know... can she still mow the grass?

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Aleggy Newbie

Aleggy

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Posted
Originally posted by StoneDragon

Anyone know why almost all of the jokes are sex related. :p

 

well from what i understand women thought sex was a big joke anyway so men invented sex jokes so that they could get a laugh aswell

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ChAiNz.2da Newbie

ChAiNz.2da

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Dave works hard at the plant and spends most evenings bowling or playing basketball at the gym. His wife thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.

 

The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin?"

 

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.

"Oh no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team."

 

When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser. His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says,

"How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"

 

"She's in the Ladies' Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them."

 

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, starts to rub herself all over him and says

"Hi Davey. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"

 

Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.

 

Dave tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4 letter word in the book.

 

The cabby turns around and says,

 

"Geez Dave, you picked up a real bitch this time."

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Sabretooth Newbie

Sabretooth

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Posted

LOL

 

Here's a clean one:

 

A woman dies and her soul goes to heaven. Over at the gates, she finds St. Peter chillin' out. When she tries to enter, he stops her and says: "Sorry, you'll have to go through the Security Check. Too many of 'em damned Satan worshippers comin' in this way lately. Alright, spell LOVE."

She spells it correctly and is given clearance.

So after a long time, St. Peter goes over to her and says: "Gotta go for an important meeting with all the rest. Why don't you take up guard duty?"

She agrees and finds herself sitting at the gate. Soon, her husband's soul comes up and wanders in.

"Hey, Hi. Long time, no see. So, can I get in?" he asks, in a nervous voice.

"First tell me what you did after I died."

"Well, I married that sexy nurse who tended you and the next day I realised her father had died, too, and left ALL is money to just me and her. So we went on a world tour and while skiing on the Alps, I slipped and smashed my head on this rock. And here I am!"

His ex-wife, now fuming, furiously tells him: "Spell Czechoslovakia"

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