igyman Posted December 1, 2006 Share Posted December 1, 2006 Review number two and again I passed. Woohoooo!!! Thanks for taking the time once again, mach, and I once again look forward to the reviews of the remaining two parts. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RaV™ Posted December 2, 2006 Share Posted December 2, 2006 How..rediculous? I guess there must be some 'active' rule in order to get a review.. Please see the Why Haven't you reviewed me! sticky for more information on how to get reviewed. --Jae Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted December 2, 2006 Author Share Posted December 2, 2006 How..rediculous? I guess there must be some 'active' rule in order to get a review.. No such thing. I do them in sequence from bottom to top, RaV. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ambrose Posted December 3, 2006 Share Posted December 3, 2006 Personally, I enjoy these review posts whether or not I got reviewed in them because they have links to great FICs I probably would have otherwise missed. The first two in the most recent review from KotOR fan media promted me to play as a female PC for the first time ever... the romance options are just plain hilarious lol. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted December 8, 2006 Author Share Posted December 8, 2006 Coruscant Entertainment Center Beauty and the Scoundrel JediMaster12 After TSL: Sometimes the best way to get people together is with a little force... There are some words usage issues, but nothing major. The basic idea as one of the characters said is as old as time, but that doesn’t mean it can’t work. The True Teachings III: Slumbering Army igyman 97 years after the Yuuzhan Vong war in the time of the second empire: Ralik sets out to activate the star forge created by another conquering race. The basics of the story are well done, thought the work needs polishing and editing. The idea that the Rakata had actually borrowed (Make that stolen) another’s technology is interesting. My biggest problem with the ‘HK in the modern world’ syndrome is as I mentioned to others is that a droid from 4,000 years ago would have to be rebuilt from scratch. Darth Revan - Return of the Dark Lord pottsie Alternate Universe at the end of KOTOR: Revan moves to prepare for the final assault as the survivors of the Ebon Hawk prepare to resist. The style is improved, but the work needs polish and embellishment. The style at present is dry. The Lost of the Jedi Dark Lady A short fic, no specific time given: Sometimes the Jedi isn’t perfect... An excellent piece. The author ended it and wonders if she should continue. I say, yes! Imperial Commando Tie-In Story Jackisonfire First language usage. It isn’t ‘us’ commandos it’s ‘we’. The work is abrupt, but considering who is speaking, that doesn’t not surprise me. My one complaint is technical. This looks like the trooper’s eye view of the running fight scene in ANH. The problem I have with this is there is no verifiable canon to support a continued supply of clones after the Revenge of the Sith 20 odd years earlier. Kamino was supposedly razed, and the facility on Weyland from the Admiral Thrawn Chronicles won’t be found for several years. Could someone find out? The Jedi Archives Survival of the Bombardment Maverick5770 The bombardment of Taris by the Sith from the survivors point of view. The scene was not set as well as might have liked, a failing I have on occasion which is why I suggest rereading and polishing. Technical note: the Star Wars universe doesn’t use shells for projectiles that I have noticed so far. Missiles and plasma bursts mainly. Of course this is 4,000 years in the past for the Canon, so it might be acceptable. Star Wars Knights of the Old Republic III: The Second Sith War Master Jimmy The work starts and stays abrupt. This is a polishing and editing problem. One minor note. Correct language usage would be ‘Malak, Jaden, Bastila and I were found’. Technical note: Marko Ragnos has been dead for 2000 years. Wouldn’t that make Gan a descendant rather than grandson? After all, an average human generation is only 25 years. STAR WARS The War of the Dead Darth Grivis Follow on to the other works. The style is still a bit stilted, and you’re trying to force the story along. Let it flow. That way your reader is pulled along, not shoved. Technical note. I really don’t think a three or four bladed lightsaber would work, primarily because you would have more problems assuring it isn’t your parts that fall on the floor. With a blade between half a meter and a meter long, you would not have the reach to use it without personal danger. As a throwing weapon with delayed activation possibly, but you only had the character throw the Y blade. There is no emotion... RC1162 Alternate Universe: Anakin assists the Jedi in removing Palpatine The style is pure RC, and the story a bit abrupt but still good. Technical note: Even under martial law or extreme power, there is always someone who would have taken over. As an example if Hitler had died in an accident in 1940, he would have been replaced by Rudolph Hess, and if he died during the bomb plot of 1944 he would have been replaced by Hermann Goering. Both had been named successors. There is no reason for Yoda to have to take command. The Way of Darth Vorges Darth Grivis 30 years after the War of the Dead: Darth Grivis’ son joins his father. Again the style is too abrupt. The fight scene was well done, but there is no explanation as to why the ship caught fire. Galactic Senate Coruscant Theater I have reached the last posted story on the Galactic Senate with this review. I will check it periodically (Once a week) and when new stuff is posted I will critique it. To the edge of night: 92se-r Alternate Universe Sequel to "Rise of the Empire": The Organa family goes to Coruscant for Empire day, causing problems for young Leia. The style and story are excellent, and the work flows. kotorfanmedia Atton’s Redemption, Chapter 1 Silvershadow During TSL: Atton struggles with his feelings for the Exile. The style is just a bit stilted, but it does flow well, and that is only a polishing problem anyway. Definitely worth a read. Desanni Mikhail: the wound of the Force, Chapter 1: Malachor’s Aftermath Jedi Knight Salazar Gothoda In the aftermath of TSL: The crew begins to relax after their ordeals. First, avoid really long paragraphs. A paragraph is supposed to cover one subject. Second, the explanations of the three Sith Lords and how the Exile had freed herself were good, and the relaxations of the players as time went on in their return trips were also good, but you seem to lose track of where you wanted the story to go after the second paragraph. This is not a complaint, it was just as a reader you were a bit confusing. These are minor problem fixed by rereading and polishing. release gekkeiju During TSL: The Exile spends Atton’s last moments of life wishing it had been different. The author grabs you by the throat and drags you along in this piece. My only real complaint is that it is so short. 20 people gave this a thumbs up, and I agree. In your dreams, Part 1 gekkeiju During TSL: The revelations of Atton’s past. gekkeiju had done another excellent piece here. Alike and different from the above reviewed work. The setting is excellent, the piece sublime in that you fully understand why the characters are arguing, and learn more about them in the telling. Well worth a read. Need Any Company, Exile? Despiva Kaioh At the end of TSL: Atton and the Exile in the Traya Center The style is a bit choppy, but the scene is well laid out, the interplay interesting. The interplay is like two old friends, neither of which is really willing to admit their feelings. Atton’s last line is perfect for the character as I visualize him. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RC-1162 Posted December 8, 2006 Share Posted December 8, 2006 weehoo! thanks for the review, Mach. for the Yoda thing, i always assumed that Yoda was the overall second in command of the army, seeing as how he was the Grand Master and that he and Palpy both had to agree to an operation or mission or campaign. at least on paper. thats why i made him take command. and about your review of igyman's fic. i will explain how the 4000+ year old droid is still funtioning at that time in the ending of my Assassination Protocols fic. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted December 8, 2006 Author Share Posted December 8, 2006 weehoo! thanks for the review, Mach. for the Yoda thing, i always assumed that Yoda was the overall second in command of the army, seeing as how he was the Grand Master and that he and Palpy both had to agree to an operation or mission or campaign. at least on paper. thats why i made him take command. In an actual dictatorship or strongman government, it would make sense. If Saddam had caught a 1000 lb bomb in 1991 the lead general would probably have had to take over. But the situation from what i saw was closer to the US during WWII. George Marshall (Head of the JCS) was not sworn in, Truman his vice president was. The head of JCS is something like number 35 0r 40 in the event of a catastrophic war. That was why i dinged it on the technical level. I admit he would do the job efficiently, and step down as soon as someone was appointed in his place. and about your review of igyman's fic. i will explain how the 4000+ year old droid is still funtioning at that time in the ending of my Assassination Protocols fic. The circumstances of how it was shut down and stored is what I was looking at. If you dumped a droid out of the airlock, and it merely ran out of juice, someone could come by 4 millennia later and power it up again. But if you have atmosphere, there will be corrosion. I don't know enough about electronics but I do know that the circuitry is actually weaker than the outer casings of a robot. When it goes it will corrode. In a couple of decades if we ever get off planet I expect the lunar lander and cart to be almost pristine, but the Viking lander will be toast. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
igyman Posted December 8, 2006 Share Posted December 8, 2006 Ah, my third review. And the best one yet, according to mach. W00t!!! Once again, thanks for taking the time mach. One more to go and I am really looking forward to that one, seeing how I invested the most time in that fourth part. After that review is done I might ask you to do a review of my one and only shortie, but all in due time (and over PMs). Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Diego Varen Posted December 8, 2006 Share Posted December 8, 2006 Thanks for the review mach and I'm glad to see that you're reviewing more Fics for the Christmas season. Looking foward to more. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JediMaster12 Posted December 8, 2006 Share Posted December 8, 2006 Thanks for the review mach. That piece bit me in the rear as I tried to come up with a good story for the unexpected pairings challenge on KFM. That piece actually is supposed to hint at some things for my WIP Heart of Deception at least with a certain redhead and scoundrel. I value your criticism mach and it gives me the confidence to continue writing. Thanks. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted December 8, 2006 Author Share Posted December 8, 2006 I just happened to check and I have three in the top 10 views. Unfortunately. one of them (The highest ranked at #2) is my critic's column. (Grumble) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
igyman Posted December 13, 2006 Share Posted December 13, 2006 The circumstances of how it was shut down and stored is what I was looking at. If you dumped a droid out of the airlock, and it merely ran out of juice, someone could come by 4 millennia later and power it up again. But if you have atmosphere, there will be corrosion. I don't know enough about electronics but I do know that the circuitry is actually weaker than the outer casings of a robot. When it goes it will corrode. In a couple of decades if we ever get off planet I expect the lunar lander and cart to be almost pristine, but the Viking lander will be toast. Ah, mach, but I did mention in the chapter of HK's and T3's reactivation that their plating and some of the parts were brand new. ''Will do, Riggs.'' Geordy said, ''As far as my preliminary analysis tells me, there's not much to do with those droids except replace their plating, the current one is a wreck and they wouldn't last long moving aroung with it, in fact the new parts I ordered should have arrived today. If all goes well, those droids will be running around in no time.'' You must have missed that one, but I don't blame you, since you do read quite a few fics within a week and things simply get forgotten. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted December 13, 2006 Author Share Posted December 13, 2006 Ah, mach, but I did mention in the chapter of HK's and T3's reactivation that their plating and some of the parts were brand new. You must have missed that one, but I don't blame you, since you do read quite a few fics within a week and things simply get forgotten. I didn't miss it. However, think of the dry cell battery they think they found in Iraq dating from 2500BCE. Do you think you could plug it in and make it work? A dry cell battery is a very simple device in comparison to even the first microchip. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HK-42 Posted December 14, 2006 Share Posted December 14, 2006 Thanks for the reviews Mach, the 4 bladed saber was oringinly made by Sabretooth in Jaden Korr-Darth Qollous Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted December 15, 2006 Author Share Posted December 15, 2006 Coruscant Entertainment Center The True Teachings IV: Fate of the Future igyman Conclusion to the series Problems with language usage and spelling (It is shone not shined) but most of what I see wrong is editing and rereading problems. You are pushing the story forward, but at the same time, there are gaps that bother me. Almost as if you are building a false front set, but leaving gaps in it so the audience can see the emptiness beyond. If you’re not sure what I mean, watch a play named Our Town, because it is done in that manner. A lot of people tend to give their Sith Dark Lords names that have an actual meaning (Note Lucas never did. Sidious rather than Insidious) but at least you have fun with it by having a string of them killed in the same manner their names implied. Star Wars: Achaicus The Doctor No specific time given: Three ships investigate an anomaly. Well written, some typos and editing problems, but nothing that a reread/rewrite won’t cure. The style is closer to Star Trek than Star Wars. I think the problem is that we don’t get to see this side of the Star Wars universe that often. DARTH VADER in "Heads Will Roll!" Tysyacha After ANH: A comedic look at Vader after the Death’s star’s destruction My only problem with this was spelling. I don’t know what I expected, but this was not it. I started reading, then laughed hard enough to scare the cats that think my desk and computer are their beds. The piece is amusing in a slightly heavy handed manner, but still choice. Jedi Forces Preview Pottsie The style is pretty good, and it flows well. Considering you tossed in a chunk of II, shouldn’t this be a prequel rather than a prologue? Nice work showing changes and why. Histories Darth Terros set during the interim before TPM: A friendly card game. There are spelling problems, and some editing needs to be done, but not much. The story is interesting, however about 30 years ago I sent in a story to a magazine, and the editor lambasted me at that time because of the setting. Like I did you used an ‘inn’ as the setting. As much as he complained though, I couldn’t see why it upset him. The Jedi Archives Star Wars: The Way of Corruption and the Rise of Tyber Zann's Empire Darth Grivis Set during TESB: In an alternate universe, a crime lord makes a bold move. The style is starting to firm up, there are spelling and word usage errors (Threw instead of through) but nothing editing would not cure. The problem I have with this is technical. Very few criminal organizations would spend the time and money necessary to build an entire mercenary fleet and army. The number of actual mercenary fleets I can find historically can be counted on the fingers of one hand with digits left over. Plant maintenance alone (The money necessary to maintain the ships in operational readiness) is extreme, which is why the last such fleet went out of vogue almost 200 years before Ironclads were built. Even mercenary armies were always small for the same reason. The largest one I can recall is the 10,000 from Anabasis, and even that was a coalition of mercenary units, not a fully integrated army. Plus as much as George Lucas seems to think everything will fall into line once the emperor dies, I have seen too many historical rebellions collapse because of communication delays and sheer bloody-mindedness. Star Wars: The Way of Bendak Starkiller Darth Grivis Set during KOTOR: Bendak Starkiller retires. The piece was good and flowed well. The situation is well done except for the audience being close enough to actually interfere. In Star Trek Voyager they had an episode where Seven of Nine was kidnapped and forced into a gladiatorial conflict, and the promoters ran the entire op with the fighting done in an arena with people on screen. having an audience (Especially a betting audience) close enough to interfere would not work. If you don’t believe me, think of a soccer match with an armed audience. Star Wars: CSI Nar Shaddaa Episode 1 CSI Nihilus Set after KOTOR II: A crime drama Star Wars style. The style is good if a bit bland, but crime dramas usually are. It’s interesting how you assigned duties. Alternate universe, Darth Bastila - Power of the Dark Lady Pottsie At the end of KOTOR: Bastila make a move to beome the Lord of the Sith. Mainly the problem with this work is the flow. It sort of limps along. The fight scenes are not choreographed, and read wrong for some reason. It needs editing and polishing. The basic story is good however. Drunken Moments-Shortie Fic JediMaster12 After the battle of Onderon in TSL: A drunk Jedi and her scoundrel. Except for some word usage problems, the piece is excellent. Before you ask, I am not talking about drunk-talk. Using them wrong there is pretty much standard. JM12 did the one thing I had never considered with my version of the Exile. Have her so terrified of a relationship that the only way she’d kiss him is drunk. The scene is reminiscent of the one in the Mummy. kotorfanmedia The Language of Love Seraterranova Set approximately a year after the Star Forge: Some in depth look at Telosian society, Revan’s reaction to it, and what really happened. The work is well done, the in depth look at the character is sublime, and the end a definite giggle. 24 readers gave it a thumbs up, and I understand why Interludes: Tatooine Wook During KOTOR: An irritated Revan let’s Mission fly the ship. Except for some word usage problems (An editing problem) the piece flows. Most people concentrate on the sexual and romantic nature of a relationship. This one makes you look at the other sides, such as what happens when you tick that other person off. Message from the Heart Darth Meatbag After KOTOR II: The reuniting of the exile and Atton. The piece is a slice of life that tells a great deal not only about the exile, but Carth and Revan as well. Very well done. The True Sith, Chapter 1: The Hawk Takes Flight mrthingyx At the end of KOTOR II: Atton learns to let hims self go with the force. The scenes are well laid out, the action fast and furious. Very well done. Kriea: Revisited Darth Ramsis At the end of KOTOR II: After the climactic battle, the exile discovers a holomessage from Traya. The style is good, but the work needed some editing. The word usage was jarring, like a rock in a placid river. All in all a good piece. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
igyman Posted December 15, 2006 Share Posted December 15, 2006 Ah, the review of the last part. I must admit, I didn't expect the language problem to be that bad in this part, but I guess I missed quite a few stuff when I originally edited the fic. What's done is done and all that's left is to be more careful in the future. Thanks once again, mach, you really did a huge job. Now, I think I'll PM you about reviewing that last fic I wrote (it's a shortie, wooo!!). Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Diego Varen Posted December 15, 2006 Share Posted December 15, 2006 Thanks for the reviews mach. Both Fics weren't my best ones. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CSI Posted December 15, 2006 Share Posted December 15, 2006 Thank you for the review Mach. It's an honor--or isn't it? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JediMaster12 Posted December 15, 2006 Share Posted December 15, 2006 Yes it is an honor CSI. Thanks mach. It was my intention to use the scene from the Mummy. It is slightly differently from the edition on KFM. I know I had some problems with word usage and didn't think about it. Hey, that's an author's lot: to constantly re-edit their work. Again thanks for the review mach. That was a fun piece to write about. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted December 15, 2006 Author Share Posted December 15, 2006 Yes it is an honor CSI. Thanks mach. It was my intention to use the scene from the Mummy. It is slightly differently from the edition on KFM. I know I had some problems with word usage and didn't think about it. Hey, that's an author's lot: to constantly re-edit their work. Again thanks for the review mach. That was a fun piece to write about. I could tell you had fun with it. I haven't done the same thing primarily because my Revan ended up with Bastila and my Exile bonded with Brianna. I had the Echani as empathic, so you bond with the person you feel most comfortable with. Ask Jae onasi for the scene where my exile scared the bejusus out of Brianna. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HK-42 Posted December 15, 2006 Share Posted December 15, 2006 Thanks for the reviews Mach. How close our you to be done with all your reviews? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted December 15, 2006 Author Share Posted December 15, 2006 Thanks for the reviews Mach. How close our you to be done with all your reviews? A year an a month or so ago, I would have said I could keep up. However, consider this: When I began, the lucasforums CEC was less that two pages long. When I added the Galactic Senate it was five pages long, and the kotorfanmedia 'light side Revan' was 15 pages long. In the last year look at LF. Now consider that Galacatic Senate is now 11 pages (But I finished it!) and the LS Revan is 27 pages. Does that answer your question? As the old anthropologist comment states, 'Known observation changes the subject', I'm making more work for myself just standing here! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tysyacha Posted December 19, 2006 Share Posted December 19, 2006 Dear machievelli, Thank you for my review! I completely agree with your assessment, although the intentional spelling errors were meant to satirize people who type about 100 "words" a minute and then forget to do a spell-check before they hit "Post" or "Submit". As for the Russian word "chetvyortiy" in the story, I don't have a transliteration program. Rather, I spell the Russian words phonetically, like I'd pronounce them in English. Again, thank you, and happy holidays! Sincerely, Tysyacha Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Quanon Posted December 20, 2006 Share Posted December 20, 2006 Do you only review finished story or do you really read every thread of the forum ? Just can't wait untill your reach mine , anywayz this is a treasure cave ! Please see the Why Haven't You Reviewed Me sticky for more info on how mach makes the selections for reviews. --Jae Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dark_Lady Posted December 21, 2006 Share Posted December 21, 2006 Oh man, I got reviewed and didn't even notice! Sorry. And many thanks for the review. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.