machievelli Posted January 12, 2007 Author Share Posted January 12, 2007 Lucasforums Star Wars: CSI vs. CSI: Pilot Episode CSI Nihilus The two story lines collide… Some misuse of words (Opening a door alarmly?) and you are following the storyline of the episode slavishly, but the idea is good, and keeps you moving. Technical notes: Blasters use a plasma packet that expends the energy on what it hits. There is little or no penetration seen on any of the SW movies and none reported in the books. With such a projectile, there can be no through and throughs. My suggestion would have been a reading of remaining energy and it’s effects to determine which kind of weapon it is. An example, comment that a random element (say Selenium) was left over after the packet hit. Coruscanti blasters use a pulse variant that for some reason leaves selenium atoms alone. (Before you ask, there is the same percentage of selenium in the human body as there is in seawater; [1 time 10 –4]. Rare but not missing entirely. Also, .38 is a measurement using what is called English measure, a direct tie to 11th century Europe. Except for two countries (The US and England) it is not common. Even old Brit colonies have gone to metrics. If you have read my SW stories you will notice I have avoided English measurement completely. It would have been better to say; ‘Coruscanti 8.5mm, Twi-Lek 6.5mm (.25 caliber)’. Admiral Ancete Sabretooth Prequel to KOTOR: A bounty hunter has some problems. The work is crisp, almost abrupt. It needs some polishing. The main character has little or no definition. Except for the helmet and lightsaber he could be any bounty hunter in history. Your mixing timelines a bit here. First, no one would have been as surprised about the Death Star style of design if it had been done before. Calling it a ship is why I made that comment. Second, a bounty hunter Jedi? Third ‘Mafia’ describes one specific group in organized crime. Like calling Mandalorians Nazis, it has a specific connotation. The American press tends to do this a lot (Calling it the Mexican Mafia and The Russian organizations ‘Mafiya’), which is not accurate. Remaster: The Reign of Darth Vader Master Jimmy Good work here, MJ. One thing, if you are in a dead end, or cul de sac, it is pretty obvious that you have to go back the way you came. Extra words not necessary. It’s skewer (pierce) not skew (turn or warp). The sabre battle is well done, but a lot of wrestling terms got thrown in, but that isn’t a major problem. Remember, you are trying to convince the reader to suspend disbelief. You should choose words that mean the same thing when possible but if all else fails, go for it. Assassination Protocols RC1162 HK returns three years after Yavin The style is good and clean, the writing well done. Does anyone have a copy of the RPG rules to check prices? If Han Solo was willing to risk life and limb for 10,000 credits, and Luke comments that it is almost enough to buy a ship, isn’t 122,465 a bit much for a droid? I know custom work is expensive, but this is a bit much. The Jedi Archives Unsatisfied Hunger Pottsie Some problems with word usage. (Respect with great interest? Why not say ‘treated him with great respect?) Also some punctuation problems. Nothing that can’t be fixed by editing and polishing. Hunger of the Force Darth Saruman After the Second battle of Telos: Nihilus faces an old foe. Technical note: A life pod, like a life raft, is short ranged. It has only one purpose, and that is to get someone away from a damaged vessel. Only a fool or desperate man (Say like the epic journey of Captain William Bligh) takes it for a really long trip. The Battles in the Unknown Regions Darth Saruman Set after TSL: Revan and the Exile reunite. The background confused me more than anything else. You have both the exile and Revan as ‘Darth’ yet have Bastila undefined. Your Sith are bad but more like bickering children than real bad guys. If Grivis is the leader, he’s too lenient with Talarius. I can’t see Vader or Palpatine or even Malak leaving someone they believe that incompetent alive. The Christmas of the Jedi Exile Pottsie Pottsie, didn’t you read my posting at http://www.lucasforums.com/showthread.php?t=164363&page=3&pp=40 post 118? Christmas is a holiday tied to one man, celebrated over less than half the planet here, and violates the canonical ‘a long time ago in a galaxy far far away’. Bad author, bad author. kotorfanmedia Solace Amber Penglass KOTOR during mission on Korriban: Trapped in a cave in, Carth and Revan deal with the Leviathan revelation. The style is good the scenes crisp and well laid out. Some spelling problems (exhilerating is spelled with an A) and you forgot one conversation break. Not enough to really complain about. 19 readers gave it a thumbs up, and it deserved them. Discarded KOTOR scene #5872 Ocelott Her own comment fit best; ‘Ever been trying to write a scene, and the characters just run away with you?’. The story is well written, the addition of the author from on high doing a bit of whining herself a cute touch. I know the feeling she speaks of. I have had scenes run away from my control as if the characters were fractious horses refusing the reins. Seeing it from the characters viewpoint is fun. 22 people gave it a thumbs up. The Twi’lek and the Wookiee tWiNkLet Zaalbar and Mission tell the story of how they met. The story flows well, the style jumping as each character speaks, assuring not only continuity but an automatic feel for who is speaking. The explanation of how Griff was able to leave without Mission rings more true than the claims Mission made in the game concerning Lena, though the version of Mission’s first meeting with Zaalbar does not work as well. Second Chances AWilson Before KOTOR: A very special smuggler is hired by the Republic. The writing style is good the story excellent. The author has done what few of us has, actually put together a period of time very close to the beginning of the game for the Character to remember. I did it with only a few comments, whereas AWilson gives us a full chapter or complete memories. 19 people gave it a thumbs up. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Diego Varen Posted January 13, 2007 Share Posted January 13, 2007 Yes, I've been a bad authour. Thanks for the two reviews mach and I'll be writing the Sera Tana Saga soon and the Christmas Fic wasn't my greatest Shortie ever. I'm looking foward to more reviews soon. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dark_Lady Posted January 14, 2007 Share Posted January 14, 2007 Thanks for reviewing Blood Band Brothers. I'd actually forgotten about that one completely. And you're right about the classes/types (of course). I just pulled most of the information from the RP we were doing and, sadly, never bothered to check that kind of stuff (secret: I hate writing space battles, shhh). Anyways, maybe I'll actually finish it now. Thanks, and sorry about missing your review again. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted January 19, 2007 Author Share Posted January 19, 2007 Lucasforums Star Wars: Order of The Sith Lords D’Albetot No specific time given; Darth Bane teaches his apprentice and seeks the truth. Some problems with word usage. (Shined instead of shone through instead of threw) and perimade, which is not in my dictionary (I use the Webster’s New International; Second edition). The style is stilted, and needs polishing and some direction. The characters have no definition, and this needs to be addressed as well. The unexpected Dark lord AkumaSF After TSL: Yet another threat comes over the horizon, this one from within the order itself. Some problems with word usage. Their instead of there. But considering your lineage, I won’t gig you too badly for spelling and grammar. I can’t even ask where the bathroom is in Croatian. The fight scene was abbreviated, but some people don’t feel comfortable with them. Dark Lady for example doesn’t like describing Naval battles. There is a middle road between too much information (Revan attacks with Ataru, The bad guy retaliates with Shondar) which mean as much as reprise in Quarte disengage in Sept does to a non fencer, and just saying ‘we fought and won’. I do the same thing, but flesh it out a little bit more. If all else fails, stick to one person’s view of the fight, which, if you have ever seen movies of full scale battles of any sort, shrinks the storytelling wonderfully, and they still feel like they are part of it. All in all, a good start. Eternal Darkness AkumaSF The denouement of The Unexpected Dark Lord The piece still needs some punching up in the description department. But the style is pretty good, and only really needs polishing. I didn’t like the ending, only because I abhor the Judeo-Christian stereotype. Hope to see more of your work, kid. The New Emperor Anakin Skywalker A reprise of the alternate universe theory that Vader becomes Emperor. The style is good, the story a little shabby, but that is what polishing is for. The only protest I have is speeding things up compared to canon. The Emperor took the better part of 25 years getting the Empire running the way he wanted before getting rid of the Senate. You have Vader doing the same in what I would estimate is less than ten (After all, a competent 12 year old doesn’t really need a babysitter, right?). If you had suggested instead that it was a delegation protesting his actions, it would have been better. Just a brief comment from someone who has studied history a lot. The Jedi Archives The Christmas of Ewan Katarn Jason Skywalker Yet another Christmas story. Before you post any more of these, please read http://www.lucasforums.com/showthread.php?t=164363&page=3&pp=40 post 118. The style is good, but the basic story line bothered me for obvious reasons. That and taking a leaf from Futurama with the ‘you can’t be good enough for me’ Santa. Forbidden love AkumaSF A brief vignette in the lives of Bastila and Revan before KOTOR. The style is good, but the entire work has a hurried feel to it. I did like the way you got Malak out of the way for Revan. Problem: Even a cloistered monk like a Jedi would realize that a sniper would have another round in the air even as you are telling the others what a bullet is, and that you are under fire. Having Kavar scream for everyone to duck then explaining why would have made more sense. The Double Love Anakin Skywalker After TSL: A slight disagreement in love… The style is good, the flow not too bad, just needing some polishing. You left the story unexplained. First, did Sion blow himself up or did Atton help him along? It would have been more logical (Which has, I will admit, nothing to do with love) to find a way to settle it without reducing the cast. Atton vs. the Droids Anakin Skywalker After TSL: Atton and the droids have a mission to Telos with a few complications. Short sweet, funny, and totally confusing. All in all, pretty good. Galactic Senate Coruscant Theater The Galactic Senate has added some new works; Severance Bendu Set 16 tears after the Clone Wars: A Joyous moment, or so you would think. The scene was well laid out, and worked. The style is good, but the story left me feeling empty. Alone Once More Sarah-Leia Set just after the end of the Yuuzhan Vong war: Even the Jedi sing the blues… The basic idea has some flaws, but not a lot of them. The basic problems is forgetting conversation breaks, and making each chapter one crunched together paragraph. Reducing three full grown Jedi to the level of the average person and having three nascent Jedi having to watch a stereotypical family argument was a nicely done touch, and it was amusing. I really can’t see Luke as a beer-swilling bon vivant, but hey, it’s a big universe, kotorfanmedia “A Wanderer’s Destiny”, Prologue & Chapter 1: Trisha’s Curse Dark Jedi Princess Set five years after TSL: A pair of ‘businessmen’ have a discussion with the Republic. Crosssover fiction can have problems primarily because the rules of the two might not carry across. I have seen only one episode of Full Metal Alchemist, but the rules don’t seem to have changed much from what they use in KOTOR, so no biggie. The writing style is good, no major grammar or spelling goofs. But the work does need polishing and editing. No that isn’t a ding, It always needs polishing and editing. Trust me. Cave’s Echo Alexandra During KOTOR: Revan feels a link to the future and marks a path for those that follow. The style is good, the wording a bit stilted, but it flows well and needs only polishing. The biggest problem I have with the DS/LS argument is the way people look at the sides. If you are Dark Side you automatically revel in every possible debauchery while your light side opponent can’t even think about it because it will turn them to the darkside. You go directly from St Francis of Assisi to Vlad the Impaler with no middle ground. Not everyone does this, but it does irk me and this work brought it to the fore. Good stuff, Alexandra. A Mandalorian’s Promise Mother Mayhem During KOTOR: The interplay between Revan and Canderous; could this be love? The style is excellent, the story so basic I’d like to scream but well done anyway. The dialogue heightens the enjoyment. Most people see the NPCs in a game as disposable cardboard assets with no real depth. The writers of the game didn’t think so as you will discover by actually talking to Bastila Canderous Zaalbar or even Mission. Canderous is almost always just the big dumb muscle and he is not. In my own work I consistently tried to bring out the people behind those caricatures, and I hope I did as well with my version of the Mando’a and Canderous. This is another one of those I wish I could read all the way through… Not enough time. Dark Birthright - Chapter I Darth Chris 14 years after TSL: The son of Revan slides toward the dark side. Some problems with word usage and dangling participles (was unlikely that his father would do.) but the mental byplay of the characters is interesting in it’s own right. My biggest problem with the Star Wars game is the automatic ‘use this power and you’re evil’ attitude. Of course this is a common belief in every fictional genre. In the original Slayers series, Lena Inverse defined black magic as anything offensive, and white as anything that heals or helps. How about an area of gray here? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HK-42 Posted January 19, 2007 Share Posted January 19, 2007 Whoa your almost done with the CEC Mach keep it up. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Diego Varen Posted January 19, 2007 Share Posted January 19, 2007 I agree with Saruman. Keep up the good work mach. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CSI Posted January 22, 2007 Share Posted January 22, 2007 Wow...Thank you Mach for reviewing my fic... 1st question: For Visas, I just mixed them together without any thinking...I know this may be bad...But however when I create the member, I haven't thought that much. 2nd Question: For weapons, I'll keep that in mind, but I wonder if there is any weapon "penetrates" the body? As sometimes the Crime Scene dead bodies have through and through, you know. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted January 22, 2007 Author Share Posted January 22, 2007 Wow...Thank you Mach for reviewing my fic... 1st question: For Visas, I just mixed them together without any thinking...I know this may be bad...But however when I create the member, I haven't thought that much. 2nd Question: For weapons, I'll keep that in mind, but I wonder if there is any weapon "penetrates" the body? As sometimes the Crime Scene dead bodies have through and through, you know. Wound penetration with modern Human weapons is governed by two things; mass of the projectile, and what it hits. A low speed projectile, such as (In order of speed) .22 short, .25 .45ACP, and .38 caliber tend to not penetrate if they hit in say the head or upper torso because of the resistance of the flesh and bone. One woman was shot in the chest seven times with a .25 by her husband, and was still standing screaming at him when the police arrived. Another person, a man tried to kill himself by putting a .25 to his head, and lived for several hours. Higher speed projectiles (357 magnum, 9mm, and larger) actually have to be slowed down to assure they will not merely penetrate and do no other damage.Military ordinance (full metal jacketed rounds) are actually designed to be less lethal due to the Geneva convention, though getting hit with a .50 caliber would probably kill you even with if it hit you. The weapons of star wars use plasma packets, as I said. Picture setting a small charge of explosives (Say four or five grams of C4 or semtex) directly on the armor or skin, then setting it off. There would be penetration, it would merely be parts of the armor, or bone that took the impact, and with that much explosive (I know it doesn't sound like a lot but two hundred grams of C4 is equal to a stick of dynamite) I would not be surprised if you did have fragments exiting the body. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CSI Posted January 22, 2007 Share Posted January 22, 2007 Wound penetration with modern Human weapons is governed by two things; mass of the projectile, and what it hits. A low speed projectile, such as (In order of speed) .22 short, .25 .45ACP, and .38 caliber tend to not penetrate if they hit in say the head or upper torso because of the resistance of the flesh and bone. One woman was shot in the chest seven times with a .25 by her husband, and was still standing screaming at him when the police arrived. Another person, a man tried to kill himself by putting a .25 to his head, and lived for several hours. Higher speed projectiles (357 magnum, 9mm, and larger) actually have to be slowed down to assure they will not merely penetrate and do no other damage.Military ordinance (full metal jacketed rounds) are actually designed to be less lethal due to the Geneva convention, though getting hit with a .50 caliber would probably kill you even with if it hit you. The weapons of star wars use plasma packets, as I said. Picture setting a small charge of explosives (Say four or five grams of C4 or semtex) directly on the armor or skin, then setting it off. There would be penetration, it would merely be parts of the armor, or bone that took the impact, and with that much explosive (I know it doesn't sound like a lot but two hundred grams of C4 is equal to a stick of dynamite) I would not be surprised if you did have fragments exiting the body. Thank you, Mach, for providing such valuable weapon info. But I consider blaster's laser a kind of bullet, which ignores the gravity, direction, and resistance of air...But however I'll use metric for any weapon mentioned. And .50 Caliber? This bullet is even taller than a one dollar bill...I mean width of 1 dollar bill...And that's for Snipers use only...No wonder why it is a One shot kill. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JediMaster12 Posted January 22, 2007 Share Posted January 22, 2007 CSI: Well metric measurements are used anyway in the world of forensics and even my line of work, archaeology and excavation. It is easier than figuring out feet and inches, which is why the UTM map system is sooo much fun Mach: good reviews as always and I have bent my willing mind to reading a few of the ones you have suggested. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted January 22, 2007 Author Share Posted January 22, 2007 Thank you, Mach, for providing such valuable weapon info. But I consider blaster's laser a kind of bullet, which ignores the gravity, direction, and resistance of air...But however I'll use metric for any weapon mentioned. In the essential guide blasters are defined as using high energy gasses, I.E. plasma of some sort (Which is the generic name for any gas containing a lot of energy, which is why I used the term). The tibanna gas mine on Bespin collected this and it is used in the more powerful broadside weapons of the fleet ships. I expect they would probably use deuterium as the basis for a small hand held weapon. It is excited to fusion temperatures and ejected. Of course in real life the thermal bloom would fry everything around it for a couple of meters. And .50 Caliber? This bullet is even taller than a one dollar bill...I mean width of 1 dollar bill...And that's for Snipers use only...No wonder why it is a One shot kill. Actually, the reason they use the .50 cal (Or the 12.7mm is you want to be exact) is the range of the projectile. I used to work for Leatherwood industries, which made a sniper scope called the Automatic Ranging Telescope and it was rated to 800 meters for 5.56 (M16) or 900 meters for 7.62 Nato. They had just started to suggest using the .50 as a sniper weapon at that time. You have to remember the original 12.7mm was designed as an anti-tank round during the first world war. There are about seven different rifles made during that war and WWII that use it right up to the .55 caliber Boys rifle used during WWII. There are records of snipers using the German 7.92mm or 30.06 making hits at up to 1000 meters even with the scopes in use during that war, and the Dragunov (The Russian designed sniper scope using the old Moisen Nagant 7.62x 54mm) is rated as it sits at 1200. A .50 caliber with the same scope is rated to 1500 meters, and the newer generation to 2000. That is a mile in the smaller configuration. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CSI Posted January 23, 2007 Share Posted January 23, 2007 OK, thank you again, Mach. Do you have any book about weapons? I need to study them to write CSI fic... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted January 23, 2007 Author Share Posted January 23, 2007 OK, thank you again, Mach. Do you have any book about weapons? I need to study them to write CSI fic... I have a copy of a book entitled Weapons authored by the Diagram Group. It covers every major weapon or weapons system since the club of the American Indians up to and including nuclear chemical and bioweapons. If you are hung up on something, send me a PM. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Darth InSidious Posted January 23, 2007 Share Posted January 23, 2007 Dunno if this is relevant, but a 7.62mm round has a fairly astounding recoil. Hurts like hell, and to avoid pain and barked skin, the wearing of thick clothing is generally advisable. Obviously, the larger you are, the less this is true, but for someone fairly thin, this is an issue Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted January 23, 2007 Author Share Posted January 23, 2007 Dunno if this is relevant, but a 7.62mm round has a fairly astounding recoil. Hurts like hell, and to avoid pain and barked skin, the wearing of thick clothing is generally advisable. Obviously, the larger you are, the less this is true, but for someone fairly thin, this is an issue Recoil is not an issue in SW because the projectile is gas expelled at high speed. Even if it were a factor, the expulsion of 2 grams of plasma (Equal to a 5.56mm bullet) is miniscule in comparison. All of the 7mm+ rounds (From Spanish 7mm up to German 7.92 and French 8mm) were designed with the same idea in mind, the use of accurate long range fire by the soldier. The Assault rifle has never matched the battlefiled capability of the 30.06 or German KAR98. Even the French Lebel is more accurate at long ranges (400 meters or more) than even the recent generations of the ARs. Assault rifles have effective ranges of up to 500 meters, but are expected to be used at ranges under 150 meters. They are light and have lightweight cartridges because 'rock and roll' is something they are designed to do. But no, recoil is not an issue. I wish to apologize to Darth InSidious because I should not allow real life to interfere with what I feel is my primary role in this site; that of a teacher. I should not reply in a manner than makes them feel denigrated, and should at all times act as an adult, something I am old enough to require, yet young enough to react negatively too. In that I do owe him an apology. I am old enough to remember when a man named Jim Baen, who at the time was just the editor of Analog giving me three pages of crap about my basic idea, and should always remember; I am better than that Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted January 25, 2007 Author Share Posted January 25, 2007 Mach: good reviews as always and I have bent my willing mind to reading a few of the ones you have suggested. Thank you. It's nice to know someone is paying attention to the writers I have held up for more attention, Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted January 25, 2007 Author Share Posted January 25, 2007 An explanation of my apology I am not much for explanations, but this deserves one. To properly explain, however a brief bit of personal history. Back in 1977, before most of you were even born, I was 24 years old. I had just written a novella (Now a novel length) story entitled Odyssey. [Yes the one you might have looked at in the Outer rim story bank] At that time, I sent a query to Analog in hopes of selling it. As an aside, my ex-wife at that time was a woman that believed that if I was writing, I wasn’t paying her all of the attention she was due. After three months I got a reply. I do not have that letter now, but the gist of it was; The idea is stupid, the very idea that you thought I might be interested was stupid, and if you ever learn how to write, let me know. Until then shut up. As any of you here would understand, this, to a neophyte is devastating. I accepted my wife’s idea that maybe I could pay more attention to her, and stop writing for a while. That ‘for a while’ lasted for the remainder of our marriage, six years. I still have not even sent the story out for fear that another publisher would be as rude. I had this vision in my mind that Jim Baen (Who at the time was editor for Analog and later opened Baen Books) would ask me for something, and I could answer ‘but you thought my work was crap back in the 70s’. Looking back on it, he was probably having a bad day. But as the ctritic here, my words will either foster a sense of learning, or make you stop for fear I would treat you badly. The fact that this forum had grown from two pages when I started to seven tells you which works better. So if I give you an unnecessary ration of crap as I did to Darth Insidious; call me on it. Maybe I was being stupid and having a bad day. At my age, I am entitled to bad days: But not to passing them on to you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Darth InSidious Posted January 25, 2007 Share Posted January 25, 2007 You didn't do anything of the sort Apologies are unnecessary Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted January 26, 2007 Author Share Posted January 26, 2007 Coruscant Entertainment Center The Chosen One Anakin Skywalker Set at the start of ROTS: In An Alternate Universe, Anakin faces Dooku; with a twist. Some words work, but don’t work well (‘Palpatine said with a his nose scrunched up.’ Would have been better with say ‘his noser wrinkled as if he had just smelled something foul’) On the whole a well done piece. Technical: First, even if you had a prosthetic hand, it would not give you the ability to make one. Medical science is still science. You have Dooku turning to the light again a bit too quickly for my tastes though the SW universe seems to have people switching sides like demented yo-yos. Brianna and the Telos Academy Anakin Skywalker Set at the end of TSL: Brianna returns to the Academy, and finds another reason for changes in her life. The word ‘oversee’ room should be changed. I will leave it to you to find another, but control room would have been just as accurate. Other than that, and a bit of editing, it was all right. Jedi Intimacy Anakin Skywalker Set after TSL: Brianna accepts a marriage proposal. The work has been hurried almost as if every scene was another hyper-jump. Slow it down smooth it out and do more than merely introduce the characters. You mentioned both Jailin, but beyond the fact that the character is male, we know nothing else. The same goes for Diego Introduce The work needs editing, and some cleaning up, but all in all not to bad. The LF Sith War Darth Saruman On the Lucasforums website: the Sith plan to take over… The work needs editing and some polishing. The words are ‘taught’ not teached, led not leaded. The Jedi Archives It Is To Me Dark Lady Set during the Rebellion: A mercenary gains a stowaway. Short sweet, but needs some polishing. There is little character development. The Path to Darkness Darth Saruman Short, in fact a bit too short. You’re compressing the duels, and I understand that, but you’re having him go from dark to light so quickly, it makes your head spin. No noticeable introspection, ‘just I’m the bad guy’. There are some spelling errors and editing problems as well. Jolee's Gizka JediMaster12 Set during KOTOR: A man and his gizka The story is short and fun to read. Betrayal by Force Darth Aida The story needs to be polished and edited. The basic idea is all right, but it drags. kotorfanmedia Revelations Lord Revan During KOTOR: Revan deals with Carth’s reaction to the revelation. Some word usage problems. You also left words out of some sentences (One did not be a Mandalorian to be attacked in one’s sleep) but this is an editing problems. The basic idea as a short fic is rare. Most go for a big battles, and ignore the small ones. In my own fic I had the entire crew spend about two chapters of angst on this revelation. All in all pretty good work. Revan’s Dark Follower Revangoddess Set after TSL: Revan returns to known space. You’re being more wordy that necessary. (she didn’t dare kiss the burning sands of Tatooine, not unless she wanted to burn herself in the process of kissing the ground.) cpuld be reduced and made simpler to read by deleting the last four words for example. There are some words used incorrectly (There instead of their, that kind of thing) these is an editing problem, nothing more. Introspection is always good for the reader. Too often characters (Anakin in ROTS comes to mind) make decisions that have little or no bearing in what is happening around them. You avoided that trap with this look into her soul. Very well done. Drowning, Together Fish During KOTOR: As Revan struggles with her own pain, Carth tries to think of a way to help. All in all very good. There are editing problems, during the last conversation you forgot a conversation break, but rereading and editing is part of the process. Well done. Tis the Season Vlork A visitor aboard the Ebon Hawk… The story was all right, and funny, but… The basic idea has problems, which I addressed last month at Lucasforums http://www.lucasforums.com/showthread.php?t=164363&page=3&pp=40 post 118. For those who don’t want to read the post, stories of Christmas Halloween St Valentine’s day etc violate the canon ‘a long time ago, in a galaxy far far away’ because two of them (You guess) were old pagan holidays with the serial numbers filed off. All of them by the names they have are less than 600 years old. You can use the spirits of the holidays but a lot of the trappings are too obvious. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JediMaster12 Posted January 26, 2007 Share Posted January 26, 2007 Thanks for the comment mach. That one I thought up of at the last moment for the DCC at KFM. For some reason I had a hard time thinking of something involving gizka though I was amused by the idea of a pet gizka. I thought there may have been something seriously lacking when I wrote it but I'm glad you found it fun. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted February 2, 2007 Author Share Posted February 2, 2007 Coruscant Entertainment Center Lessons of War Grey Master During Mandalorian Wars and Battle of Dxun; A young Jedi gets his first taste of the darker side of war. First, remember that you need to put punctuation at the end of conversations, Second, edit, reread and rewrite. You used the wrong word in a few places (Sighted instead of sighed) but as I said above, that is an editing problem. The basic story is good, and you were willing to get in the mud with the grunts, so I don’t see a reason to complain. Into A Dark Night Kristy Kistic No specific era given: A survivor wanders through a devastated ship. Not much to it so far, but what there is was relatively well done. Technical note: On a ship it is passageway (Hall) view port (Window) hatch (Door) and in Star Wars it’s clearsteel (Glass). Of course, I’m the guy who got a nasty note from an ex-girlfriend and returned it corrected and graded. Darth Wyyrlok II Kotor if No specific era given; A Dark Lord speaks to himself. Not much more than a prologue. I’d prefer to have more before I make a value judgment. My first attempt (Be Gentle) JediAthos Set during the Jedi Academy: A few problems with word usage (and assignment rather than an assignment; teding instead of tending) but this is an editing problem. All right everyone, what is my constant mantra? Repeat after me; edit, reread, and rewrite’. I have only one thing to say about the work on the whole; If this is your first attempt, why have you waited? It’s pretty good! The Jedi Archives Prophecies of the Dark: Part I - Son of the Sith KotO[Revan] 500 BBY: Some word usage problems (Resulted him should have an in between them as in ‘resulting in him’) and a problem with double negatives and too many words. The sentence (There was nothing not ordinary about the room, but there was nothing fascinating about it either. It was a lone room, meant for guests by the looks of it) would have been better if you had merely said ‘the room had all the personality of a hotel room’ because that is what you are implying. But this is an editing problem. See above reference to JediAthos. On the whole it was good, but editing and polishing will make it better. The Dark Trooper Project Darth Saruman During the Imperial Period: A data pad with information is used to make a new clone. All right, no real need for editing, the basic idea is sound, but not for a short story. Rather it should have been used for a longer piece. Technical note: According to Canon, there were no clones made after the originals from Kamino until the Dark Empire set of books where Grand Admiral Thrawn found the Emperor’s facility on Weyland. Second, while Timothy Zahn wrote the set before the Attack of the Clones, canon (Which must go by what Lucas writes) states that the clones made on Kamino aged at approximately four times normal, meaning the scientist you have making them is looking at a project at least 3 years long before the kid is even old enough to evaluate. Until it Sleeps AkumaSF After TSL: In an Alternate Universe Revan plots revenge Some editing problems (Jump when it should be jumped) but (repeat after me) that is an editing problem: Reread, rewrite, and edit. I didn’t like the ending, but I’m that kind of guy. Gizor Dellso's Victory Darth Saruman After ROTS: One of the escapees from Vader’s elimination of the CIS high command has an ace up his sleeve… Some editing problems (‘Bow stopped to replace his ground armor to the normal Imperial Pilot suit’. Should have been written ‘Bow changed out of his armor into a pilot’s G suit’.) some spelling problems (Explosians is spelled explosions) Again, this would have been better as a longer work. I am sure you noticed that I avoided the illustrated work and the poetical works of JM12. This is not because I don’t like them, but poems are not something I am good at editing and correcting. When it comes to artwork, I have to fall back on Doctor McCoys ‘I’m a doctor, not an art critic!’ That’s because I am a literary critic. kotorfanmedia A Gift of Forgiveness RogueLadySabyne At the end of KOTOR: Carth finds something that eases the pain of losing his wife. The story is excellent, and the subject blindsides you, but real life is like that. Well worth the read. The Gift Of… AWilson At the end of KOTOR: As Revan lays in a coma, each of her friends say goodbye. The ending was stock, as was the basic idea. After saying that and probably breaking the authors heart, I have this to say; It was GOOD! Well worth the read. 19 readers gave it a thumbs up and 13 reviewed it before me. Does that tell you how good? The Greatest Gift of All ocelott In the interim between KOTOR and TSL: Bastila give a gift of Revan’s past. I can’t say anything bad about the story. Not a word. It is poignant and makes you want to weep for the characters, and feel happy for them at the same time. I’m not the only one to say it either. 24 people gave it a thumbs up. A Kotor Carol: A Gift for Revan Revangoddess A year after Darth Revan regains her title: The revelations from A Christmas Carol ala KOTOR What can I say that 16 thumbs up hasn’t already? You did what I tell people to do with a seasonal story. you left out all of the Christmas references and still told one hell of a story! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jae Onasi Posted February 2, 2007 Share Posted February 2, 2007 Of course, I’m the guy who got a nasty note from an ex-girlfriend and returned it corrected and graded. The pen is mightier than the sword! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JediMaster12 Posted February 2, 2007 Share Posted February 2, 2007 I am sure you noticed that I avoided the illustrated work and the poetical works of JM12. This is not because I don’t like them, but poems are not something I am good at editing and correcting. When it comes to artwork, I have to fall back on Doctor McCoys ‘I’m a doctor, not an art critic!’ That’s because I am a literary critic. That's alright mach. I'm just happy if you post if you like them or not in their respective threads. To me poetry is interpretation of the real world. In the case of my diddies, it is merely humor and poking fun. The fact that you mentioned them sends a warm feeling through my central processing unit...wait I'm not a droid! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted February 2, 2007 Author Share Posted February 2, 2007 The pen is mightier than the sword! Terry Pratchett commented twice on that old axiom. One version is 'The pen is mightier than the sword if the pen is long and sharp and the sword is short and dull' the other was 'Which do you want someone to poke you with?' The woman in question was trying to put a 500 mile distant guilt trip on me, and really ticked me off. She didn't write again, so i think she got the message. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Salzella Posted February 3, 2007 Share Posted February 3, 2007 Terry Pratchett commented twice on that old axiom. One version is 'The pen is mightier than the sword if the pen is long and sharp and the sword is short and dull' the other was 'Which do you want someone to poke you with?' lol, got to love him. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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