machievelli Posted June 7, 2007 Author Share Posted June 7, 2007 Kotorfanmedia Old Wisdom RogueLadySabyne Alternate Universe Set after ROTJ: When Luke needs someone to talk to he gets another lat Jedi. Try 4,000 years too late. I saw who showed up, and remembered a story I reviewed where the crew were the ghosts of Christmas past. This work caused me to chuckle as the irascible spirit of Jolee Bindo does for Luke Skywalker what he was able to do for Revan. Well worth the read. Only 9 thumbs up, but worth more. (6) Echoes in the Force Darth Ramsis During TSL before Dantooine: Kreia explains in her normal fashion. What I thought interesting about this work was at the end. The idea thatr as much as the Jedi Masters were terrified, that the force would heal itself if you let it. I am rarely surprised by what an author will do, but it surprised and delighted me. Very well done. Rain (He Never Loved Me) RogueLadySabyne After KOTOR: Unrequited love darkens the wedding of Carth and Revan The character is of course the author’s so I am not surprised that I didn’t recognize her. But the angst of someone who has known Carth since she was a kid, and sees him marry another was very well done. The Fountain Riansage After KOTOR: Revan reminisces. The story works very well. Making Revan as a kid a hellion, and Malak sensitive enough to be a painter was a surprise. But her reaction to the fountain made me feel for both of them. Up for my best of this week. The Final Moments WinterOnasi After KOTOR: Revan’s memories return, starting the order’s frantic search for the Exile. Winteronasi does quality work, sometimes like a cook with few ingredients who still turns out an excellent repast. My only problem is having Revan and the Exile meet then separate, but hey, I’m a purist. Beautiful Darkness - Part 1 Jedi serenity During KOTOR enroute to Manaan: Sometimes love is watered by tears… There are times when the minimalist approach makes the most sense. JS did this so well I wonder if she has any professional credits. Return CodeName Targeter After TSL: What do you do when your love finally comes home? This could have been taken to any genre of movie from western to the stars, dropped in, and it would fit smoothly. That isn’t derogatory. It’s a comment on how well the author works. 14 thumbs up. Bastila’s Holocron Joysweeper KOTOR during the mission on Tatooine: We get a look inside Bastila’s mind as they find her father’s holocron. The style starts a bit bland, but the subject matter and the internal wrangling Bastila undergoes is well worth the time. The Return of Revan Jedi serenity After TSL: Carth and Revan are reunited. The story is basic and poignant. Very well done. 20 thumbs up, and worth every one. A Mismatched Set-Chapter One Falnangel9124 Falnangel9124 Set almost two decade before KOTOR: An unlikely pair of friends meets Jolee Bindo. Having Revan come from a society as straight laced as the one Falnangel describes is just so choice. Especially being born of an upper-class of that society. How Revan handles it, and how easily she is willing to throw it aside makes the characters even more interesting Desperate Measures Grimrabbit Sequel to her version of Kotor: What Dreams May Come; As the team that captured Revan returns, Bastila begins to plan. A scene we don’t get to see in Kotor, this explains some of what happened aboard Revan’s ship. Dagen Academy Alexxx After TSL: After the rigors of that quest, the new Jedi settle in to teaching. But it won’t last… Alexxx tends to jump around. Not a major problem, but it can get annoying. I do the same time, which is why I ask people to critique my work if possible, or reread and edit. All in all an idyllic scene. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The_Catto Posted June 13, 2007 Share Posted June 13, 2007 Thank you for the review, Mach. It's not one of my best at all, but I aim to edit and change alot within the story, and hopefully it will be better than what it is now. Once again, thanks. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted June 14, 2007 Author Share Posted June 14, 2007 Since I will be able to work on this friday morning, I am going to return to my friday postings. How long my job will stay stable, I won't bet on. This from a guy living in Vegas. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted June 15, 2007 Author Share Posted June 15, 2007 Coruscant Entertainment Center The Beggining ExiledFish Before KOTOR: The woman later known as Kreia sets out on her first Padawan assignment. Some word usage problems, the title begs for a spelling check. Man instead of Many, sittin instead of sitting. I hate to tell you, that while a computer might suggest punctuation and spelling, it’s really up to you to remember to use it correctly. The basic story line is pretty good. I tried to make Vrook a bit more human in my KOTOR novel, and seeing him as a guy perhaps flirting with a woman is a nice touch. Every Little Thing Bee Hoon After TSL: A hard decision creates another one. The work needs polishing. Other than that I can’t think of anything bad to say about it. Well done. The Second Coming Of Evil Mr. BFA It’s infusing, not fusing, and it’s we’re not were. No biggies I can see so far. As someone who gets a little depressed when I get a lot of views and no comments, I understand how you feel. But if I had walked away from this pop stand because enough people didn’t look, you would have never even met me. A Jedi Attachment Reuben Shan KOTOR: A brief vignette The work could use some polish, and re-reading-editing, but nothing that really needs to be done. Short was right. This is a mere scene. How about making it a little bigger, eh? Of course I can’t do anything coherent in this short a space. The Destruction of the Star Forge Reuben Shan You know, RS, I could repeat the above review exactly here. You’re doing some good work, but it is so short the reader barely gets moving before the ride stops. Blood Band Brothers Point Blank Relenzo2 No specific timeline, but during the Rebellion: a Young Wookie gets his chance to taste battle Remember paragraph and conversation breaks. It’s ‘dressed’ not trussed. Trussed implies being tied up. The discussion of what to use for a battle cry was choice. My favorite has always been ‘not again, damnit!’ I was hung up between considering whether this would be a parody or serious. You didn’t handle the movement to contact very well, primarily because you’re trying to treat a ground action like a fleet action. The fighters could be pounding defenses rather than poking along as if they are on escort duty. Your explanation of the Wookiee fighting style was funny, because most masters wouldn’t admit that you’re going to beat on the problem until it goes away. The Jedi Archives The Jedi Purge's Failure Darth Saruman Alternate Universe. End of ROTS: The Purge of the temple fails, but that isn’t all… When you wrote annoyed, did you mean avoided? You’re also having problems with homonyms. Reread, edit, and polish. Canon: Last week I commented on the use of sniper and brute, and even watching that the two can do, the class makes no sense. Does anyone have access to a copy of the game books online? The primary reason Jedi ‘sniper’ makes me irritated is that the term has been used only in the last century and a half, and for one only thing, riflemen. To call someone who throws a lightsaber a sniper is like saying an armored swordsman is a Tank. What next, Jedi purse-snatcher? Promises Jedimaster12 Part of the Heart of the Guardian trilogy It should be exasperated not –ing. Homonym problems (Won instead of one) but nothing major. It is always interesting to look at someone’s representations of a society. This gives us a good idea of a number of their beliefs. Inner Darkness Chronicles Igyman The expanded version of Home reviewed earlier. The descent is getting a bit steeper with this work. The character that was merely disturbing in Home seems to be power-diving out of control now. Galactic Senate Coruscant Theater PROJECT: HAILFIRE Elelohesterling No specific era given: A mission to find the homeworld of the Jedi leads to danger Some spelling and homonym problems, but these are editing problems. The biggest problem with the style is it doesn’t flow. Scenes are put together well, but they have no life, no spark. What you need to do is slow down a bit, reread, edit and visualize the scene as if it were a movie. Even with the best of actors, a scene that does not flow is unsatisfying. No biggie, I have written some scenes that may this look like Oscar material. The Legend of Admiral Griff (AU) Konig15 Alternate Universe Before the destruction of Alderaan: What if some of the men who fought for the Empire were driven by honor rather than orders? What can I say? The piece needs editing, but every editor you run into will tell you that. But it is well written, and makes me wish more men like this character were in the Empire. Well worth the read, listed as one of my best in this review. Kit’s Tale Oscar the Grouch Battle of Yavin: An old friend of Anakin Skywalker faces off against Darth Vader The style is good if a bit abrupt. Having two old friend dueling in fighters is excellent, and having them not know they faced each other makes the story poignant. Very well done. Kotorfanmedia Love Beyond Words Mayla After the climactic battle of the Star Forge: A little personal time is needed… The style is good, the piece kind of short, and as one reviewer said, the dénouement needed a little more set up. But well written all around. About To Crash, Chapter 1 Mayla Alternate Universe During KOTOR on Korriban: An interesting twist on the storyline. Reading into it, I saw the usual Korriban story. Then Mayla slapped me in the face with the one person I would not have expected. The story is long enough to satisfy, yet short enough to make you want more. Still Yours Faelyn After TSL, but time not specified: A show of deep loyalty The piece is short, but long enough to see the situation and feel for all parties. For the last year of so, I have been tapping one story a week in my reviews as must reads. I’m torn as to whom to nominate for this week. This story is why. Coming Home Walruseater Six Years after KOTOR: Revan finally returns, but not to the welcome she expected. The author took a unique look at this situation, interweaving characters from both KOTOR and TSL. Excellent work. Of Love and War (Re): Chapter one Aminta Jae Prelude to the attack on the Endar Spire: Trask and Aminta reminisce. An interesting take on the Endar Spire and her crew. The dialogue suggests a long association between them, yet we know that can’t be the case. It begs the question; how many people aboard knew who Revan was? The style is excellent, the scenes crisp. Backup: Beginnings Onasilvslv Five Years after the Star Forge: Carth is compelled to follow Revan no matter what cost. The scenes don’t flow together easily, but once in the next scene, that is incidental. Every one is well done, the scenes themselves pieces of art. Very well done. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JediMaster12 Posted June 15, 2007 Share Posted June 15, 2007 Thanks for the review mach. I knew I missed something. As to that piece I figured that it was time to write something since it was somewhat glossed over in the main work. I thought it necessary to show how a young guy and an admiral become bonded like brothers almost. I enjoyed writing that piece. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bee Hoon Posted June 16, 2007 Share Posted June 16, 2007 Thanks for the review! I'll polish up when I have time:) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The_Catto Posted June 20, 2007 Share Posted June 20, 2007 Thank's for the review, Mach! I'll finish editing it when I get enough time. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted June 22, 2007 Author Share Posted June 22, 2007 Coruscant Entertainment Center This week I am going to review a body of work by two different writers rather than just one from each. This is not a special treat; it is because these two wrote seven stories in a row between them. ExiledFish is first with his three; Atop the Rakata Temple KOTOR: The battle between Revan and Bastila Some problems with word usage. Span is not a synonym for spun or spin you jumped from past tense to present tense a few times as well. The scene is well thought out, but still feels a bit contrived. Reread it and see what can be polished from your view. Star Wars: Darkness Of The Past Alternate Universe, no timeline given: A smuggler is captured by the authorities and finds a new destiny. Makeshift need not be capitalized in paragraph 1. Interrogation is not spelled that way (title of chapter 2). You have grammatical and spelling errors, but they are consistent, meaning that English is probably a second language. The basics are sound, but you’re rushing, leaving out words, and not using a spelling checker. STAR WARS: A NEW AGE EPISODE I Alternate Universe end of Revenge of the Jedi: Anakin’s new goal Word usage problems, and you’re not completing ideas. In paragraph two you started to make a statement, but left out the middle. Remember question marks. There is a cure for the problems of this piece and you yourself said it in the reply to Lord Spitfire. You have to write it out in a verbal projectile, but once you have gone back and reread it more slowly. It will take about three times as long as you are doing now, but you’re readers will appreciate the care. We’re not that impatient here, you know. Bobby Pendragon wrote the next four stories in sequence, and three are not a short, but a short-short, one of the most difficult forms because you have to give the reader everything in less than four pages. The last is the longer story Topsite (Hey stop changing you’re name!) commented on, and I have to agree with is assessment. These stories are: Juhani's Death I see they lambasted you pretty good in the notes on Juhani’s Death, kid, so I will hold off on commenting. Revan's Fall The scene in Revan’s fall had little continuity. It wasn’t the flashes of reality that a real battle is, rather it is a lack of cohesion in the piece itself. Oh, and ‘yaht’ is spelled yacht. Darth Aroes' Rise to Power In Darth Aroes' Rise to Power you needed to edit. In the first paragraph alone you have two errors a spell check would have caught layed instead of lay, slayed instead of slain. Again there was little continuity. In my own works I have had characters joke about falling. But one thing they say fits the problem I see in this last work. They don’t get up in the morning and say ‘I’m bored, lets go to the dark side’. From that first paragraph I could see he had started his slide before the ‘wookiee sized’ apparition, but his slide is still too swift. Plus you took the training and final duel, something that should have taken a dozen pages or more, and compressed them into two paragraphs. I feel these pieces are too short. They are single scenes that do not light beyond their edges. This is good in some cases, but these leave me with a feeling of ‘all right, where’s the rest’. Chaos in the Republic In Chaos in the Republic you forgot to mention that he was the last member of the line, and as several have told you ‘descendant’ is just as acceptable as the ‘great’ ad nauseum. You’re making the same kind of mistakes, but they are spread out more, and the background and characters are better formed. The Jedi Archives Nothing new in the Jedi Archives, so I’ll look back next week. Galactic Senate Coruscant Theater The Dark Coffin After KOTOR II Darth Dookie Intro: A young Sith calls upon the evil of Marko Ragnos. Spelling, editing, word usage are all problems with this piece. The basic idea is sound. Now go back, calm down, edit, and tell it to us again. Oscar the Grouch The Little Death Star That Could. (Almost) Children’s story; the fate of the first Death Star, and how the Bothans got that information about .the second Death Star I chuckled through this work. The piece is cute and light, though it does need editing a bit. Hunted Master Kinnon Six years after the Yuuzhan Vong war: An attack is launched The style is good, though the author is mixing metaphors. Alpine suggests mountains while tundra suggests frozen grasslands. kotorfanmedia Warblade RC773 During first part of KOTOR: The Star Forge comes up with a unique way to guarantee its survival… There are spelling and editing problems, but nothing that cannot be corrected by simple editing. The idea is intriguing. I have pointed out several times why another Star Forge can be built. The author has come up with a way around the problem… Ten Minutes Jalana KOTOR after the climactic battle: Ten minutes can change everything. I was stunned when I read this. Not the dénouement, but the sheer complexity of feeling created by the author, all told through the eyes of Juhani. I honestly can’t think of a way to express my delight at this work except to make it my pick of the week. Eighteen readers gave it a thumbs up, and it deserves a lot more! Relative Aminta Jae KOTOR: An examination of the merits of good and bad, and the consequences. The ending was a surprise, but after a moment, I was surprised that I had been. After all the story had gently led the reader to that point, and only our own biases would tell us anything else. One of the more interesting suggestions was that prim and proper Vrook was known once for his escapades. It makes me wonder is the Jedi had been more akin to bees spreading pollen instead of Christian style monks. Excellent work. The Promise Walruseater From pre-KOTOR to game: Juhani’s life and her death The work is excellent, the story and rational well considered and presented. Well worth a read. He Found Her Alexxx After TSL: Carth and the exile go after Revan into the Unknown You forgot some conversation breaks, but any problems with the work can be fixed with an edit. The only problems with the work are there is no explanation of how the climactic battle could happen, and the entire thing was far too rushed to really get into. Sort of like getting in the car, punching the gas, and slamming into the wall of the garage. Changed View Noneko KOTOR: A look at the life of Thalia May Most of us ignore the shadowy non player characters. It isn’t that they are not there, or unimportant. It’s like the ultra rich with their servants. How many of them even bother to ask how that servant’s day has gone? Noneko who has graced my reviews before makes us look, and the look is refreshing and fun. Well worth the read. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Diego Varen Posted June 22, 2007 Share Posted June 22, 2007 mach, I've only changed my Username once, but I will change it for a second time soon. Good reviews again. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted June 23, 2007 Author Share Posted June 23, 2007 mach, I've only changed my Username once, but I will change it for a second time soon. Good reviews again. I know, kid. I'm just being a pain. BTW, for my research, do you have access to the royal patent office on the other side of the pond? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted June 29, 2007 Author Share Posted June 29, 2007 Coruscant Entertainment Center Between Shadows Bee Hoon From TSL: Excerpts from the author’s own TSL works. The style needs a bit of polishing, but not as much as I might anticipate. Remember my mantra kid, edit, reread, rewrite and edit again. Nice work. Prodigal Knight Jedi Athos During and right before the Clone Wars: An expatriate Jedi must decide what is right. The work needs some editing and polishing, but I enjoyed what I read immensely. The basic idea is sound, the characters a little wooden but still believable. The Second Sacrifice Tysyacha Forty Years after Yavin: A dark Jedi must choose a new path. The piece is up to Tys’ usual standard, needing only a polish to make it shine. Having just begun the LOTF series, I appreciate the warning. Nom Anor: An Executor Always Has An Escape plan... Trex During the Yuuzhan Vong war; what really happened to Nom Anor? Some spelling problems, Iagoesque is proper. It is used or tested on, rather than abused. Denial instead of denile. The story tends to drag, and four chapters in (I had already figured out the location) there was still no explanation of how he ended up there specifically. To program the ship, one of those leaders had to know of the Rakata Home world, but I remember no mention of this discovery. What you need to do is go back, smooth out the action. Come up with a rationale that explains how he ends up there, how a machine shut down 4,000 years earlier was reactivated, and how the Exile (Yes, I figured that out) is still alive. The little Jedi Darth Stephanie Before KOTOR: Revan in training. I see a lot of other people have taken you under their wing, kid. The advice they have already given is what I would have said, so keep at it. Remember to always grammar check, spell check, and as everyone know my mantra; edit, reread, polish, and repeat until it is perfect. Or at least until it is good enough. Choice By the Wayside JediMaster12 Before the Phantom Menace: A teacher explains how choice affects all. An interesting premise kid. Like the movie ‘It’s a wonderful life’, you showed how events would have collapsed if it were not for that one keystone that holds the wall. A Reason Bee Hoon Before KOTOR: There is always a reason. I could tell even without the comments Bee Hoon made that this had been beta read. The story is a bit confusing, jumping to present then back-story, but it is worth the read as all is explained. The Jedi Archives Imposter Darth Balatro Word usage problems, and you’re not completing thoughts. ‘If you try to run the prince’ should have been ‘away from’ or ‘flee. You used was instead of saw. You didn’t differentiate between dream and reality, and my last question is, is this in the Star Wars Universe? The piece is too short to really judge your style beyond that. Galactic Senate Coruscant Theater ARC Trooper Darth sithus During RTOS invasion of Kashyyyk: A team of ARC commandos preps for a mission. The style is good, but I had problems with the way the story was told. First, while I could see the average human group falling into the insiders and outsiders (Pilot and troopers) I cannot see the clones either being casually brutal with each other, or grossly insubordinate (Shooter insulting the captain). With the programming they received, they should still be instantly obedient to authority. For a grunt to verbally abuse an officer makes no sense. Personal Log - A Troopers Story Angry Wookiee During Clone Wars: A trooper keeps a private journal. Forgot question mark (when will we achieve peace?) You made the same mistake in other places, but that is something easily corrected. Technical note: When in camp you are on perimeter watch, not border. It’s interesting to see the divergence in the base material of the clones. The original Republic Commandos were considered divergent enough to be worthy of destruction until they were rescued. To see the man who Jango Fett might have become if he had let go of his self-control is astonishing and delightful. How To Save A Life ForceFlow Between Phantom Menace and Attack of the Jedi: A girl is sent by a mob boss to assassinate a Jedi. It’s belows rather than bellows, but I see your spelling checker did the same thing mine did, re-spelling. If you go back and retype it, the checker will accept, though it doesn’t like it. You misspelled Coruscant, and there are some more spelling errors. It’s due instead of do. Conversation breaks are important, and every speaker should be separate. Don’t use abbreviations as if texting; it is you not u. As much as ‘Lazer’ is used in entertainment, the acronym is properly spelled laser. Technical note: Mafia however you spell it has specific Earth connotations, as does the date (Named after a specific man; August was named after Augustus Caesar). Avoid things that point specifically at our own planet. It’s a problem a lot of writers have even when using other countries here. Brothers By All But Blood Miasmo Between ESB and ROTJ: Aboard the Millennium Falcon, Lando Calrissian and Chewbacca mourn the capture of Han Solo in their own ways. The work needs polishing, but not as much as you might think. As for spelling and grammar ask someone to beta read it before you post next time. The feelings of the two characters that are the least demonstrative is intriguing, and well worth the read. Having Han leave a will was a bit much, but seals the bond between the characters in such a way that it is completely believable. kotorfanmedia Knights of the Old Republic: Chapter One:- Ambush Kyoko KOTOR: The battle of Endar Spire through the eyes of a civilian Chest-hit is a bit cumbersome. And it’s awakened, not woken. Also, you unholster or draw a weapon, holstering implies putting it away. The antipathy the main character feels for the Jedi is well done. Carth ‘suggesting’ she help by starting to draw his weapon, and the acrimonious byplay between Carth and Shiroko is good. Technical note: Every well knows author of science fiction and especially space battles has one thing in common, the perception that an escape pod must be designed with the idea that the occupant might be either injured or in some other way incapable of operating the machine. That means they have to be pretty much automatic. There is no mention of damage to the pod itself. Also you go to all the trouble to say Endar Spire is new, yet have old worn equipment on the lifepod. But the fighting, snippets of reality as they really are, deserves praise. First Kiss Onasilvslv KOTOR During Kashyyyk segment: The style is good the mental interplay during the kiss excellent. The sarcastic comments of her inner voice were delightful. The idea that a Jedi can be startled by a tach, then so inept at compliments directed at her made the character warm and fun. Being irritated that she was lost, the amusement it caused Carth made you want to chuckle along. 28 readers gave this a thumbs up. Not of His Choosing Jiara KOTOR during Dantooine segment: The Jedi mourns… But who? The style is good, the story surprising. The victim is not who you think it is as the character suffers her angst, and the end makes you want to giggle. 36 readers gave it a thumbs up. Kudos! Truths Faelyn TSL on Malchior: Kreia considers the fate that comes. It’s possessed, not processed. Otherwise well written. We all know Kreia had her own motives for what she had done. This version works very well. Inhibitions Jedi serenity KOTOR enroute to Tatooine: In vino et veritas The story flows well, the scenes from the drunk’s point of view well laid and built. Having her fall asleep in the middle of the kiss was a bit much, but funny in it’s own way. 23 readers gave it a thumbs up. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bee Hoon Posted June 30, 2007 Share Posted June 30, 2007 Thanks for the reviews! I'll be sure to polish up both when I have the time. Hehe, I actually didn't really get a beta reader... Just reread repeatedly until I was satisfied:P I'll try to work on the flow of A Reason as well:) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted June 30, 2007 Author Share Posted June 30, 2007 Thanks for the reviews! I'll be sure to polish up both when I have the time. Hehe, I actually didn't really get a beta reader... Just reread repeatedly until I was satisfied:P I'll try to work on the flow of A Reason as well:) Nice to know my suggestions bore fruit, kiddo. Thanks. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JediMaster12 Posted July 2, 2007 Share Posted July 2, 2007 Choice By the Wayside JediMaster12 Before the Phantom Menace: A teacher explains how choice affects all. An interesting premise kid. Like the movie ‘It’s a wonderful life’, you showed how events would have collapsed if it were not for that one keystone that holds the wall. I never thought of it that way mach. I was thinking of a what if for the kfm challenge and the first attempt involved Jolee but I didn't like it and started again. This time I felt it better to have someone who would know the stories, considering she is a descendant, if you caught that. Thanks for the review. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted July 2, 2007 Author Share Posted July 2, 2007 Holiedaze: My acritlce will be late because of real life yet again. My driver's license expires this month, and I had hoped to just go down, hand them money, and have it sent to me. No chance in hell. First, I'm in another state. They expect mer to trot out a passport or birth certificate, which is goode since the only times I travelled overseas I did it in uniform (No passport necessary) and my birth certificate doesn't have my name on it, something easier to explain later if you really want to know. This leaves me with having to get a DD214, the discharge papers from the service. But the Federal building near home isn't where the VA hangs it's hat, and the building is so new, the man I spoke to didn't even know where it was. So instead ofr heading to work with everything taken care of, I have to go in search of the VA, then send off for the DD214, then wait for it. On top of that anyone remember what day after tomorrow is? The library is closed that day. So I'll be three days behind the curve. But don't fret. I'll post a double to make up for it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JediAthos Posted July 2, 2007 Share Posted July 2, 2007 Holiedaze: My acritlce will be late because of real life yet again. My driver's license expires this month, and I had hoped to just go down, hand them money, and have it sent to me. No chance in hell. First, I'm in another state. They expect mer to trot out a passport or birth certificate, which is goode since the only times I travelled overseas I did it in uniform (No passport necessary) and my birth certificate doesn't have my name on it, something easier to explain later if you really want to know. This leaves me with having to get a DD214, the discharge papers from the service. But the Federal building near home isn't where the VA hangs it's hat, and the building is so new, the man I spoke to didn't even know where it was. So instead ofr heading to work with everything taken care of, I have to go in search of the VA, then send off for the DD214, then wait for it. On top of that anyone remember what day after tomorrow is? The library is closed that day. So I'll be three days behind the curve. But don't fret. I'll post a double to make up for it. Mach try this website for your 214: http://www.archives.gov/st-louis/military-personnel/index.html Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted July 2, 2007 Author Share Posted July 2, 2007 Mach try this website for your 214: http://www.archives.gov/st-louis/military-personnel/index.html All well and god, except that I must have a written request sent through channels. Thanks to the privacy act of 1974, it cannot be submitted through e mail Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JediAthos Posted July 3, 2007 Share Posted July 3, 2007 Yuck....if it makes you feel better I'm having a similar problem. I'm missing a page of my 214 and had to submit a request for a new copy. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted July 3, 2007 Author Share Posted July 3, 2007 Sitrep: The VA doesn't have an office in Las Vegas. The nearest regional office is in Reno. Try LA to San Franciso via Sacramento. Luckily they can mail me the form I have to fill out, so desert trudging is not in the future Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted July 13, 2007 Author Share Posted July 13, 2007 Postring a bit early because I have to get up at 4 AM to get to work, and wouldn't be able to post until almost seven tomorrow evening. Coruscant Entertainment Center Revan: A Day in the Life of A Jedi Darth Stephanie During period of Mandalorian Wars and their aftermath: A diary of Revan. Welcome to the boards, kid. Serious problems with spelling editing and grammar. You also jump between Revan being a military officer and being a Valley Girl. While your comment was disingenuous, you forget that people do not write in their diaries in what to them is a foreign language until they feel comfortable. Ask Tysyacha, who does well with English, but is Russian I believe. If you get a chance, see a very bad western named Winterhawk. The title character is a Cheyenne, and when he is speaking in his own language, he is eloquent and thoughtful, but when he is speaking to some white men who don’t speak Cheyenne he comes across as dumb as a post. Philosophy of The Force John Skywalker Sequel to The Adventures of John Skywalker: Now separated from the Sith, John is given a reason to fight again. I haven’t reviewed JS’s work recently. The piece is cumbersome, like you couldn’t think of exactly what you wanted to say. Nothing that polishing and editing won’t fix. Some minor grammar and spelling problems, again easily corrected. It’s interesting mixing a dream with a vision. Having him see Padme through Anakin’s eyes, then seeing the harbinger of Vader. Knights of the Old Republic III: Sith Empire Lord Spitfire After TSL: The Exile prepares to follow Revan, and discovers other truths. Welcome to the site, kid. The piece needs polishing and editing, and since others have been pointing out phrases that don’t ring true, I won’t address them. Technical note. When setting up a camp, you automatically do a lot of things, and adapt to the threat as needed. If you expect to set up camp where an enemy will attack, you add special additions to them. Embrasures, berms, mines and pungi stick to stop those pesky ground bound bad guys, and automated guns to take out the airborne ones. If you expect attacks by ‘stealthed’ enemies, you add pressure heat and motion sensors. As big and bad as a terentatek is, adding a few automated heavy blasters would slow them down. Even in the future, military truth is still truth. Me and Sith Fight (My Worst Fic EVER!) Tysyacha No specific time given: A kid can dream, can’t he? The title warned me, Tysy. I have to agree with the others, it’s like a pun. It’s so bad, and still kind of funny. Heart of Deception JediMaster12 The continuing adventures of Kirabaros: Plots and counter plots The story it follows was good, and so is this. Some problems with word usage (You said ‘is alive and well as is you.’ Instead of ‘as you are’. The interplay and plotting is interesting. The Jedi in the east Anakin34 Time not given, but obviously after TSL: A pair of young Padawan prepare for a journey. Everyone is jumping in to help so what can a mean old critic do? Reread, edit, rewrite, Polish, and repeat until is slides smoothly. Emma Natedogg First, avoid words that have specific historical connotations. Instead of ‘Banzai’ it would have been acceptable to say ‘all or nothing’, because they are pretty much the same idea. The story has a flow problem in that it runs like a river suddenly meandering when it was flowing hot and fast just a moment before. Jae addressed anything else. Jae is right that your battle scenes are pretty good, but they are also abrupt. Not a problem, but you can make them larger with little effort if you wish. A Journey for Closure (One Shot) Jedi Knight 707 After TSL: A Jedi finds closure Welcome back. There were wording problems (‘You brought made your own’) for example. The basics are intriguing, and except for editing problems it is pretty good. Death of a Prophecy JediAthos After TSL: While searching for the Exile, Mira meets yet another legend. I knew it had been beta read so I went at this one hammer and tongs. But having JM12 beta read one of mine in the middle of an IM chat mind you, I know how hard a taskmistress she is. Between them, they turned out a quality piece of work here. Everything mean I could say was already said, so I just sat back and enjoyed. The fighting is clear enough to be worthwhile, though as someone who actually watches the fight scenes for fun, I would wish for more. But that’s a personal foible. Bridge over Troubled Water Topsite In the interim between KOTOR and TSL: An interesting view of Revan’s preparations… Some spelling errors, but nothing that editing wouldn’t cure. The basic story is interesting, and the way you led up to it in the first part drew me in. Very well done. Knights of the Old Republic III The Second Sith War Master Jimmy In interim between TSL and KOTOR III: All right kid, here it is. The opening scroll is cumbersome, and there are redundant phrases. You are also pushing the story a bit in the first chapter. Allow it to flow, kid. Think of a sword master, and reduce it to Tai Chi speed, like I suggested in my own work ‘the Beginning’ for the Echani. Part of the reason for it is to make every movement precise and fluid. If you don’t believe me, ask someone whose butt was kick by a practitioner of that art. Speed it up, and it’s lethal. The basics are there, the idea sound. Keep it up. Just work to make it flow smoothly. Right time.... wrong place Daft Adidas No specific time given: A rescue team finds danger Problems with spelling, word usage, grammar. As much as ED says it isn’t that important, think of a racetrack with that flat smooth tarmac. Then picture every misspelled word, clumsy analogy and grammatical oddity as yet another obstacle you put in the reader’s way. Make it smooth as silk, and the reader will reach the end before he expects it. That will make them want more, kid. Galactic Senate Coruscant Theater Jedi Knights - Last Stand Nightvision90 Ninety years after the battle of Endor: The Jedi search for someone to unite them again The style is good, with some quirks that bother me a bit, but nothing major. Question, did you mean insanely or angrily when Sidney asks ‘madly’? The usage made me think of angrily. Also you should try not to use the same word too often. You used madly twice in the space of four paragraphs. To the Edge of Darkness: Book 1 92-ser Sequel to the Alternate universe work "Rise of the Empire": Empire day Pretty well written though there are problems (engrained should be ingrained).h Just a little polish and edit. A pity I didn’t have time to read very far into it (three chapters). A Galaxy Not So Far Away Catwmnjedi Our own future: A female pilot starts hearing voicing calling her home. The style is good, the pacing excellent. While I would challenge it on the ‘log ago in a galaxy far, far away’ theme, it was getting interesting when I reached the end. Outcasts - Dawn of Rebellion Nightvision90 Two years after ROTS: A captain thinks it’s easy to sell a Jedi… Well done, the start intriguing. But isn’t Manaan a planet, not a race? kotorfanmedia The path of my heart. Jedi Knight Revan Before KOTOR: An unlikely hero is drafted The biggest problem I had with this is simple human nature. Most criminals are not known for their sense of honor, so the idea that a thief is going to accept the government’s ‘invitation’ strikes me as wrong. But the story itself is pretty good. Beyond the Rim Darth Xio Jade After KOTOR: Revan has dreams The piece is short and abrupt. The meter is good, but it’s like starting a car with a standard without pushing in the clutch. It jumps forward, then died. There was just enough to pique my curiosity, then it ended. Knights in Tights Miraea Starr After KOTOR: The Ebon Hawk makes a brief detour thanks to a black hole. As much as I get upset with people dragging Earth into the Genre, this looks interesting. Especially when you have such logical explanations of exactly who and what the members of the crew are. As one of the people who commented aid, it’s insane, and I loved it. Rise of the Blood King Kirabaros During KOTOR: An idyllic scene will soon be torn apart. The style is good, and I know the series, having read parts of it over at Lucasforums. More of her steadily improving and consistently good work. Well worth a read. Cold M After KOTOR: Carth reminisces The writing style is good, the ending surprising. It sneaks up on you, and part of me wanted to scream ‘No!’ when I read it. Destiny Aderyn After TSL: Revan returns to a stunned Carth Editing problems, you wrote ‘had not fallen through’ then went on to send a character down a different path instead. On the whole though the story is well written, the basics flowing so well I hit the bottom of the first section rolling pretty well. A pity I don’t have the time to read the rest. I think it would be worth it. Bittersweet Victory Alexandra The flight from the Star Forge: Every victory has its price. The piece could use some editing. It’s gritted her teeth, not grit them. One of the many possible ends of this battle. I loved the writer’s work as I hated the story line. Too good for words. The Trouble With Never Aderyn After Malchior: The Exile reminisces There were some editing problems, but nothing major. The story tended to meander a bit but it was worth reading. Destiny’s Pawn: Endar Spire Allronix KOTOR at the Attack on the Endar Spire: Carth meets the passenger before the escape pod. You need to edit, you missed a word in a sentence on the first page; ‘If (he) could put his blaster to Saul’s head right now’. Editing and rewriting a touch to polish can correct all of the problems I see. The author moved Carth farther in, making him part of the Endar Spire action. An interesting way to do it and well done. Mandalorians Don’t Cry Arkatrine the unpure On Tatooine after the confrontation with Jagi: A brief bit of comfort. The style is good. In fact the only negative I have to say is it’s too short! Who Knew? Morokea Spanning Revan’s life: Revan has memories of the man she once knew, and had to kill. It’s knelt not kneeled. The piece is poignant in that you can seer the memories of the woman from when they first met, until she sat beside his tombstone. You can feel all the emotions evoked by her simple prose, interwoven with the song. They Have Brought Truth Silversentinel21 One Year after KOTOR: Revan explains as best she can in letters to three of her best friends The style is good the. The meter butter smooth. I just wish I had time to read the entire thing. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Diego Varen Posted July 13, 2007 Share Posted July 13, 2007 Thanks for the review mach, but I will be rewriting Bridge over Troubled Water as soon as I can. Also, have you reviewed I Couldn't Leave You? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Emperor Devon Posted July 13, 2007 Share Posted July 13, 2007 Since it isn't anywhere in the thread I'd guess not. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted July 13, 2007 Author Share Posted July 13, 2007 Thanks for the review mach, but I will be rewriting Bridge over Troubled Water as soon as I can. Also, have you reviewed I Couldn't Leave You? looking at its location TS, it will be week after next. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Trex Posted July 14, 2007 Share Posted July 14, 2007 Sorry I didn't notice it earlier, but thanks for the review. ...(I had already figured out the location) there was still no explanation of how he ended up there specifically. To program the ship, one of those leaders had to know of the Rakata Home world, but I remember no mention of this discovery. What you need to do is go back, smooth out the action. Come up with a rationale that explains how he ends up there, how a machine shut down 4,000 years earlier was reactivated, and how the Exile (Yes, I figured that out) is still alive. I think that for the first act I was trying to emphasize how much was unknown and mysterious about the situation. All the above points are therefore eventually explained, but Nom Anor has to find them out (Shimrra ends up explaining why the ship was programmed to go there, I think Vimack covers the immortality thing towards the end when you find out exactly what she is, and NA explains to the Rakata chief that Revan returned to the planet and set everything up there just in case he needed it later). Not too sure how you saw Quane as the exile though. Roompa explains in chapter four that she went looking for Revan as soon as he left, meaning she would have crashed on the planet and gotten stuck there long before TSL. Big thanks for the spelling though. I've just used the 'Blabla'esque description in something else. Suppose I'd better change it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted July 14, 2007 Author Share Posted July 14, 2007 Not too sure how you saw Quane as the exile though. Roompa explains in chapter four that she went looking for Revan as soon as he left, meaning she would have crashed on the planet and gotten stuck there long before TSL. I stand corrected. Ther reason I did not discover that was as much as I enjoy some of what I read, I do not have enough hours in the day to stay online and read every bit of the longer ones. Big thanks for the spelling though. I've just used the 'Blabla'esque description in something else. Suppose I'd better change it. Just doing my job, kid. Keep up the good work. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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