Rev7 Posted June 26, 2008 Share Posted June 26, 2008 Lavrentiy Beria Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted June 26, 2008 Author Share Posted June 26, 2008 Lavrentiy Beria You got the other quarter Rev. For those interested, when the Tsar fell, his intelligence agency was the Okhrana. This was replaced by the Cheka. After Dzherzhinski died, it became the OPGU. Stalin changed the name to the NKVD right before the Second World War and Beria who was a field agent (Working with a man who later became famous, Nikita Kruschev) created Smersh. Smersh created one technique called absorption, where they contacted rebel groups behind the line, and if they were anti-communist but still fighting the Germans, arranged to have them killed with weapons that pointed a finger at someone else. The same technique used in Yugoslavia painted the Chetniks as German sympathizers and murderers. This caused the Allies to openly support the Partisans, who assured every political opponent became and instant 'Chetnik'. The MGB as it became in the late 50s kept Smersh running with Beria now the head man of the organization which caused a literal spy versus spy war in Germany. After his death it became the KGB. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rev7 Posted June 26, 2008 Share Posted June 26, 2008 Wow. Thanks for the question mach! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lord Foley Posted June 26, 2008 Share Posted June 26, 2008 I'm so confused as to what this thread is about. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Arcesious Posted June 26, 2008 Share Posted June 26, 2008 Huh... I never knew any of that. History never was one of the subjects I excelled in... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hallucination Posted June 27, 2008 Share Posted June 27, 2008 I'm so confused as to what this thread is about. It's here to educate the proletariat, comrade. You failed. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted June 27, 2008 Author Share Posted June 27, 2008 I'm so confused as to what this thread is about. It's primarily for critical comments on the fan fics, LF. But occasionally I ask a question and give out Whatever prizes. A whatever prize is named after my ex step-daughter's favorite line when lectured. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted June 27, 2008 Author Share Posted June 27, 2008 Danger May Befall Darth Insidious Between Phantom Menace and Attack of the Clones: The Dark Lord of the Sith and Gilbert and Sullivan? The piece is a bit convoluted, but the last line set me giggling. A cute little bit of fluff. Pick of the Week. True Sith JCarter426 About a year before K1: Revan worries about the course of the war. Some word usage problems. lied should be lie. An interesting piece needing just a bit of editing. The biggest problem I had was that Revan is characterized in the game as a genius at strategy, yet makes such an elemental blunder? Doctor Who: Happenstance Alkonium Dr. Who fic: The eleventh Doctor hijacks the ship of the 9th Doctor to rescue his companions. The only negative I have that hasn’t been mentioned is that unless the reader is a fan, he doesn’t know one doctor from the other. Comments on wardrobe for example fall short when I don’t even know what the wardrobe should be. More description, please. I have never been much of a fan of the series, but it’s good seeing you back. Evil Within Diego Varen After KOTOR: As the Galaxy tries to settle down after the Jedi Civil War, Bastila faces her trial before the Council. The work is good, the basics well covered. The way the trial is portrayed and explained comes across a little harsh though. Not a judgment made by fact, but by impressions of the judges. Adding the jury looks more like making it a show. After all, a group of students who have not had experience is not a jury of your peers by any stretch of the imagination. One minor technical thing. There is no real ‘admiral in training level. You’re in training from the time you put on your butter-bar. What you do have before you reach captain is Staff and war colleges, then they pin on your first star. But during war this is jumped more often than not. Sometimes you stuff the round peg in the round hole and hope for the best. If you read the Captains by WEB Griffith you have a captain shoved into a Lt Col’s spot, and he does it well. But after the main campaign is over, a bean counter wants to move him out of that slot into a secondary one because he hasn’t ‘punched all of his tickets’ on the way. Another example is Custer who went straight past Brigadier General to Major General due to just such an emergency. All in all an interesting work. I’m waiting for more. Welcome back. The Rise and Fall of Revan Marius Fett PreKOTOR: Revan finds the Star Forge. Forgotten words such as ‘pulled a (lever maybe?) on the control panel‘. Remember to spell check. You’re pushing the action causing the flow to break up. Take your time. All of these are editing problems, easily corrected. The only real bobbles I had was having Karath with them and waiting until then to find the Star Forge. Revan left with a third of the fleet, and even a genius would want better odds than that when they start the ball rolling. All in all, an adequate first attempt. Welcome to the board. Halo: Extraction Construct Set in Halo Universe: Yet another battle in that endless war. You’re pushing the action. Slow the pace, be more descriptive. The main problem is like others showing us yet another universe, you’re assuming we know it. Light Side Female Revan How She Left, Chapter One in The Truth About Lies Car7hLuvr About a year after KOTOR: As Revan leaves for the Unknown Region, she struggles not only with that, but leaving the man she loves. The work flows well, the dialogue generic but excellent. The introspection was well done, like a conversation. Having used the same style, I enjoy seeing it in others when done correctly. Pick of the Week Light Side Female Exile Tanglefoot Charamei During TSL before Nar Shaddaa: Sparring goes a long way. This interested me because Malak is still alive and back on the light side. The characters both old and new are treated well, and the dialogue and actions fit them. Well worth a look. Dancing for Vogga Sass Morgan TSL on Nar Shaddaa: A dance leads to the original dancer. This piece surprised me. I’m not much on dance myself, since I can’t do it at all well. Yet I could visualize the dance and the thought behind it, I was a bit surprised that the Exile could read so much just from the force on the clothes because it isn’t mentioned often, but her reaction was perfect. As for Atton, I did like the idea that he had a sensitive side. Pick of the Week. Pazaak in My Head Katara Ironarm TSL on Onderon: An explanation of why Atton plays Pazaak in his head. The piece is straightforward and explains without acrimony. Too short as far as I am concerned, but worth looking at. Routine Jedi Serenity Originally reviewed 20 July 2007. Original review below. After TSL: Carth reminisces about his life with Revan. Well done, worth every second reading it. Only eight people have given it thumbs up. Maybe they aren’t paying attention? Only bobble, I think you meant surrogate. Reprise Pick of the Week. Everything And Nothing: Chapter 1 Angel of Iego TSL, Battle of Khoonda: Snippets of hell. The scenes are cumbersome though the thoughts and introspection is good. The primary thing I think this needed is knowledge of what a battle might look like. I’d suggest reading John Ringo’s work March Up Country, specifically the Battle of Voitan at the end, and We Few, where they are attacking the Palace. Each has something in common. Desperate straits, and clear definition of the battle. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The_Catto Posted June 29, 2008 Share Posted June 29, 2008 Thanks for the review Mach. (I really should get back to trying to write some more of that story) I wanted to make the DS Revan, different to what the other Sith Masters have been before him. Revan is cunning, and in my opinion, vindictive when it comes to the light and the dark side. He knows how to press the buttons of each side, his mind works in a completely different way than to that of another Sith. I'm just trying to give another view on the Sith a try. Instead of the whole, "woo! I have power, so now I'm going to use it to control and destroy everything! Oh noes! I'm dead because I'm too stupid to have thought of plan to survive after I destroyed the Republic!" Thanks again for the POTW by the way. (I've now made it my sole priortiy to be the first to write something in which there will be no need for editing! ) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Darth InSidious Posted June 29, 2008 Share Posted June 29, 2008 Thanks for the review, mach. I'll work on the convolution for next time... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted June 30, 2008 Author Share Posted June 30, 2008 Thanks for the review Mach. (I really should get back to trying to write some more of that story) I wanted to make the DS Revan, different to what the other Sith Masters have been before him. Revan is cunning, and in my opinion, vindictive when it comes to the light and the dark side. He knows how to press the buttons of each side, his mind works in a completely different way than to that of another Sith. I'm just trying to give another view on the Sith a try. Instead of the whole, "woo! I have power, so now I'm going to use it to control and destroy everything! Oh noes! I'm dead because I'm too stupid to have thought of plan to survive after I destroyed the Republic!" You succeeded in that. The biggest problem I have seen is except for two, Jacen Solo and Ventress, every dark lord comes across as a psychopath who just found out the dark was more fun. Both of the ones I have mentioned went to the dark side for perfectly valid reasons in their eyes, and I can understand them both. But to paraphrase Heinlien 'That just makes you regret having to kill them when it happens'. (I've now made it my sole priortiy to be the first to write something in which there will be no need for editing! ) Dream on, kid. My first published work Gryphonrider (Published by Publishamerica, which I will admit is not a great recommendation) was edited by me for 18 years before I had the guts to send it in. I have seen professional works by big name authors that needed editing. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted July 4, 2008 Author Share Posted July 4, 2008 Coruscant Entertainment Center He Was My Second Chance Tysyacha During the battle of the Star Forge: One last chance at redemption. Tys has graced our pages and my picks of the week more than anyone I can think of right now. This story can show you why. I agree that the change from dark to light was a bit abrupt, but Tys has matured into a competent wordsmith worthy of our attention. Pick of the week. The Blackest of Angels ForceFightWMe12 PreKOTOR: Revan plans on discovering the Star Forge at the expense of her love. Some editing problems, you tended to forget words, but since I have been known to do that too, so just remember to edit next time. The piece flows well, the argument fitting well with the situation. Pick of the Week I need some constructive criticism please DarthJebus05 Non SW Fiction: The story begins Boba Rhett with over five times my postings among others gave such excellent advice, I’m just going to say, remember to edit, let it flow, describe, describe, describe. You have potential, you’re better than I was at your age. Allow your work to lead where it will. An Easy Escape Astor Kaine After Attack of the Clones, No specific era given; Sometimes running away is the best option. The writing is not too shabby, the scenes well laid out. The problem I had was technical. Technical note: While the original light amplifying devices had problems with bloom; the technical term for amplifying too much light, a modern set will reduce ambient light so that it is sometimes a problem with illumination rounds but little else. But Stormtrooper armor with 25,000 years of development would probably be proof against tactical nuclear weapons. A flash bright enough to overload them would probably blind anyone without protection. Welcome to the forum kid. Write more. Lost Soldier Divide&Conquer Non SW Fic: Something called him back, but what? You forgot a question mark in the several paragraph. Improper word use (Shacking instead of shaking) be sure to edit because tung (As in oil) will sometimes go by when trying to spell tongue, and no spell checker in the world will tell you and is incorrect when you mean an. On the whole the story is generic, but just needing polishing to bring out the subtle flavors. Keep it up. Dream or Reality? Rabish Bini Post KOTOR: Is it a dream? Except for the following, everything I’d normally say has been. Just remember, reread, edit, rewrite. Repeat until polished smooth. kotorfanmedia Female Light Exile Extended Ending Teramars TSL before leaving Malachor V: Tough choice hurt. But they have to be made. Some editing problems but nothing major. The work is excellent. The biggest problem for the Jedi is that never ending choice, emotion or love. Well worth the read. Pick of the Week. Beauty, Bao, and the Beastly Droid Emerald Exile During TSL after Dxun: The Exile and Bao Dur plan robotcide… An interesting bit of fluff. Too short to get a good grasp, but fun anyway. The one thing I loathe is sanctimonious characters, and killing them off makes it all worthwhile. Fearless (The Prologue) Esta In orbit of Malachor V at the end of TSL: There is nothing to fear but fear itself. The piece is short, but intriguing. It looks like it’s worth reading further. Talk to Me Evil Shall Giggle TSL before Dantooine: How do you talk about what bothers you? Based on a picture, the piece is short, but has some interesting points. Alternate Parallels; Chapter 1 Valar Alternate Universe TSL: Sometimes when you need a life someone will offer one… Usually I get all irritated about using Earth because it violates canon. However this was a fun bit of fluff. The ending line caused me to chuckle. Pick of the Week Trials CyberCat During flight from the Death Star: Two new arrivals spice up the mix. There were editing and spelling problems. Nothing that couldn’t be corrected. The primary hang up I had was there was no explanation as to how or why. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tysyacha Posted July 4, 2008 Share Posted July 4, 2008 mach, I am honored and blush at your words at the same time! Thank you!!!!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted July 4, 2008 Author Share Posted July 4, 2008 mach, I am honored and blush at your words at the same time! Thank you!!!!!! Praise is best given for fact, not fancy. I wonder sometimes how much good I'm doing around here, what with Arcecious not even knowing I was working. But I see so many who are improving regardless. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Astor Posted July 5, 2008 Share Posted July 5, 2008 thanks for the feedback, mach! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted July 10, 2008 Author Share Posted July 10, 2008 Coruscant Entertainment Center My chains are broken SithLord1 10 years after TSL: A test of character may lead to danger. Remember to have spaces between sentences and after punctuation. Some words used incorrectly (Attuned instead of intuned) punctuation and words left out (He could feel something in him anger and hate.’ then You must find resting place then come back to me). I think that it is unfamiliarity with the English language. No biggie. Welcome to the boards. Forever Mr. BFA Non SW Fiction: An in depth look at reality. The piece is well done, the subject interesting primarily because the author is trying to make you think and discern the puzzle. Like a jigsaw it falls into place. Well done. Star Troopers: Episode I - A New Dope Darth Bender During first portion of ANH: Some people can’t win for losing Some rough spots, but nothing that editing and polishing one’s cure. The designation TK421 was a throw away line in the movie, but DB took it and ran with it. Inserting the character and his partner into every scene from Mos Eisley to the escape from the Death Star was seamless and logical. I almost expected them to be the ones knocking on the door where the droids had hidden. Very well done. Pick of the Week. Read my Signature Darth Scorpius Six years after ANH: A story of the Mandalorian wars being told to Luke Skywalker Remember punctuation. Also, Mandalorians appear to be human, so why the distinction? Try to cut back on the author’s notes in the story, it distracts the reader from the flow. Interesting so far. Technical note: read the Expert’s Forum post 45 regarding melee combat. Even if you use a sword, the style is not called melee fighting unless you include everything from fists to spears. So being a ‘deadly melee’ fighter is a contradiction. The modern term ‘close combat’ is better because it includes by definition all of those mentioned. Knights of the Old Republic - The Untold Tales The Doctor Shatter Love Shattered Faith and Misplaced Trust had already been reviewed (Sept 22 2006) Historical Revelation and Ease of Darkness on (29 Sept 2006) Rule number one on (Oct 20 2006) Mission across Space (10 Aug 2007) leaving only Ponderings for consideration. KOTOR after Kashyyk: Will pushing an amorous man away cause more harm than good? Doc, you put all of these out long before I started, and all had their own good points. So: Pick of the week, with five Reprise picks. kotorfanmedia Light side female Revan Grounded SkyePrism Post KOTOR On Nar Shaddaa: The Mercenary baby-sitter? There are times when I want cute-sey and fun. Must be one of those times. This was cute irreverent and irresistibly funny. I read it from end to end and wished I could laugh out loud. Worth every second! Pick of the week. Colors of a Knight Shadow Rise KOTOR enroute to the unknown world: Introspection If you use either twin or two, using both is redundant. That said, the story being short left me wanting more. The introspection was brief, but like an almond cookie, left me wanting more. Pick of the week. Light side Revan A Gaze Into the Future (One Shot) DarthJose480 Six years since Malachor V: Revan gets a glimpse of the dark future. Some word usage problems. Their instead of there, dual (two) instead of Duel (Fight). The basics are good, the tie in to the history we know from the movies well Conversations Sass Morgan TSL no specific part given: The author said it all, sometimes, you don’t need a person to talk to. The piece is interesting because it’s two different people confiding in the same ‘person’ about the same thing. I liked it because both of them really need a safety valve in this situation. Very well done. Pick of the week. Its My War CyberCat TSL, Set ten years after Malachor: Memories. One thing, remember the characters name when you’re writing. No biggie. I’ve changed a character’s name three times in the same page and didn’t notice it until I (As those who know me will repeat with me) edit, edit, edit! Second, attacks are not blueprinted, they are sequenced. All in all, a good read. It needs more back story and depth, but it’s fun to read. Unchained Melody KSCrusaders After TSL and return of Revan: Love across both games, bridging both life and death. What was interesting here was how the author rationalized both of the main character’s love, and their actions toward their love. There is enough back story to explain what happened in KOTOR, and the ending is both sad and poignant. Pick of the week. Tragic Love Crystal001 Ten Years after TSL: After Revan’s funeral, Bastila tries to move on. There are comments from others concerning problems they perceived and they were well argued. But it’s still good. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The_Catto Posted July 11, 2008 Share Posted July 11, 2008 Thank you for the review Mach. I wasn't really sure about this one, just because I didn't think it had a really good flowing feeling to it. It's unusual, in my opinion, but even when I try to go back and edit it, there's not really much I can see. [i'm probably just not looking hard enough though..] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted July 11, 2008 Author Share Posted July 11, 2008 Thank you for the review Mach. I wasn't really sure about this one, just because I didn't think it had a really good flowing feeling to it. It's unusual, in my opinion, but even when I try to go back and edit it, there's not really much I can see. [i'm probably just not looking hard enough though..] It happens. I had JM12 telling me one section needed editing and I read it seven or eight times before I found it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The_Catto Posted July 11, 2008 Share Posted July 11, 2008 Yeah, it can get annoying. I read through it about three times, then get agitated, and that in turn increases the frustration levels, and I end up sighing and closing it down. Then I down a couple of Red Bull and try again xD Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Doctor Posted July 11, 2008 Share Posted July 11, 2008 Wow, thanks Mach! I'm rather proud of the Untold Tales thread. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted July 12, 2008 Author Share Posted July 12, 2008 Wow, thanks Mach! I'm rather proud of the Untold Tales thread. As I said when I started giving Reprise Picks, I started doing Picks of the week, but there were so many that deserved them that had been reviewed before. So when someone slips one through (Yes, kiddies, I am not omniscient) I give them as deserved. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted July 18, 2008 Author Share Posted July 18, 2008 Coruscant Entertainment Center The (Droid) Mouse and His Child Tysyacha KOTOR Between Dantooine and Kashyyk: The smallest thing can make the difference. The story flows smoothly, the basic premise interesting. Making the droids key wind linked it to the original in an amusing way. A bit short, but what else can I say? Legends Lord Foley Eight years after the Star Forge: Nature abhors a vacuum… The piece explores the inner workings of the Republic a little deeper than normal, and this interested me. I wish I had the time to follow it all the way to the end. Pick of the Week. Gods and Mortals Divide&Conquer Some minor misspelling. Rashions should have been spelled rations regardless of the pronunciation. Imp[roper word usage (through the air, not threw). Remember conversation breaks. Some terminology mixed. An out cast is ‘cast out’. The basics are good if generic. Keep writing, I want to see more. Oslozhneniya (Complications)--Starring Rev7! Tysyacha Continuation of Vremya series: The mismatched band of adventurers travel to Lehon in search of Revan. An interesting story up to date. The only problem I have is that would I be asking you for words in Russian if I knew Russian Grammar? (My answer would be that you have used the Welsh grammar everyone hears when they hear Yoda talking. IE it probably reads ‘standing between the third and second house I am‘.) The Mandalorian Legacy HK42 Post TSL: The Mandalorians again prepare for war. Editing problems, but they appear to be caused by using and trusting a spell checker. The wrong word but properly spelled, that kind of thing. Remember to reread when you edit. The writer John Sanford in his latest paperback Invisible Prey commented on it because three different reporters tried to use the word imminent and had three different words, only one meaning ‘soon to happen’. While interesting, I was curious why the Mandalorians thought they could win this time. Perhaps they are correct, but I don’t think so. The Chronicles Of Darth Revan Part 1 The Past Of Revan. Revan 411 Problems with editing and word usage. Remember conversation breaks. The story rambles, and events happen too quickly. There is little or no description. You are using numbers larger than would be logical. Having billions both of Lehon and Tatooine makes the desert world far too crowded, and the Sith military too large. Remember that the entire US Military at the end of WWII was less than 7 million men all combined. If they stood in wide order (Such as during an inspection) they would have needed the entire state of Rhode Island to have them all in one formation. Technical: Remember that a squad is only around a dozen men in most armies. The numbers you describe should be called a platoon. Check out the Resource Center, specifically the Expert forum post two. kotorfanmedia Only Fools Fall In Love Charamei TSL At Malachor V with flashbacks: Lost love and pain, something the character knows well. The story is an interesting view of two of the ‘bad’ guys making them more human. The underlying love story is also poignant. Pick of the Week. The Light is Only the Beginning: Chapter 1: The Past Becomes Present Ravenrand16 15 years after TSL: Atton and Mira discover information about Revan. The story flowed well, the situation generic but still good. The only complaint I have depends on who Raven is; Not enough time has passed for what I think. Pick of the Week. Training WinterOnasi TSL Enroute to Onderon: Taking some time out for training, and a bit of gentle tweaking. Having Bao Dur and the Exile as a love interest happens rarely, but is refreshing when it happens. The subtle going behind each other’s back in regard to the droids was well done and cute. Well worth the read, but Winter always is. Pick of the Week. Some Demons Never Rest Darby Ogill TSL Enroute to Telos for the second time: An evening of terror for the crew of the Ebon Hawk. A very well done series of nightmares that focused on the worse parts of their own lives. Each vignette is well done, the basis of each dream well thought out. All about the one demon we can never escape. Pick of the Week. The Shadow Jedi : Chapter 1 PirateRose TSL on Dxun: Will Atton return to his past? Some word usage problems such as formable instead of formidable. Sense instead of sensed. This is an editing problem, just remember to reread your work. You also keep calling Kreia Keira. As another said the writing and basic theme is generic, but there is some excellent ideas here. Keep it up. Snow Knight Savtrian Long before KOTOR: A young Jedi Apprentice feels alone, and gets help from one of the masters. The piece is a good ‘slice of life’ vignette. We always see the finished products, the Jedi Padawan Knight or Master. We rarely get the chance to see the youngling who has yet to become that future. Pick of the week. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Revan 411 Posted July 18, 2008 Share Posted July 18, 2008 Crap i didn't know that looks like i need to fix that up. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Astor Posted July 18, 2008 Share Posted July 18, 2008 Technical: Remember that a squad is only around a dozen men in most armies. The numbers you describe should be called a platoon. Check out the Resource Center, specifically the Expert forum post two. Inspired by this, i've put together a collection of links relating to the various military bodies in the Star Wars universe, with the hopes that it will be useful to people featuring the various organisations there in depth: Star Wars Military Organisations Hope it helps! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted July 18, 2008 Author Share Posted July 18, 2008 Revan411, my primary goal as the local critic is to make the writing better not only by example, but constructive criticism. I hate the 'rah rah' sort of comments, and both Darth333 (Who hired me as it were) told me to 'fix without damaging the ego. I posted those articles primarily because you can't write well about something you don't understand. Aster, thanks for the listing. I used modern equivalents because it is what I know. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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