Darth Kalverys Posted August 29, 2009 Share Posted August 29, 2009 I'd thought I had hit couldn't. -.- I had a long night last night... however I was joking about it taking 70 years. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted August 29, 2009 Author Share Posted August 29, 2009 I'd thought I had hit couldn't. -.- I had a long night last night... however I was joking about it taking 70 years. I should hope so. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted September 4, 2009 Author Share Posted September 4, 2009 Coruscant Entertainment Center Whole lotta loss Vanir No specific era given: A rescue mission encounters horror It’s console (Panel) not consol (Give comfort). The basics were good, the action well done. Having the creature be a vampire (As in blood sucking type) stretched it a bit. Also as something that sucked life, the bio systems (Lighting on the derelict ship and the biometric capacitors on his own ship) would have been drained as well. There is no explanation as to why mechanical devices should be affected by drainage and these systems would not. Nor how he could set up a self destruct without thinking of it. Technical note: You keep thinking of a ship as a building. You gave dimensions in both stories and the proper keel and beam lengths, the correct term is draught. It would be a deck plan, not a floor plan. I see there is yet another article for the resource center here. Loss Alkonium Set in Alkonium’s AU: The main character remembers the events that led up to the present. The piece is well done, albeit short. It is more a prologue than a story Al. exodus is created Exoduz Many years before KOTOR: A Jedi kills what he loves. The piece is too short and abrupt to judge. You went from one fight scene to another with little between, leaving me unsatisfied as to why anything was happening. You also killed one character long before his time. The New Sith Empire Ashnan Corri The Battle of Endor: What if Luke had fallen to the Dark Side here? The writing is pretty good AC, but the sheer logistics of what you portray don’t measure up. First, the only Republic troops on Endor were the team Han and Leia brought, so there were no ‘countless waves’ to confront. As for the space battle the fleet they faced was large enough to smash the Rebel alliance fleet if as Shakespeare had commented ‘any order may be found’. As was shown on Jabba’s Sail barge, Luke was good, but not so good he could protect himself against a number of people at the same time. If the Rebels had concentrated their fire on him the battle would have ended there. I can’t see Leia and the others merely knuckling under either. Han had too much experience fighting against the Empire to merely cave in so readily, and Leia would have hated her brother for doing what he had done to betray their cause. Like a lot of ‘the good guy goes bad’ stories, everything went too well for the bad guys. Over at kotorfanmedia I have just finished off the Light Side Male Revan category, and will start on the Light Side Male Exile next. Light Side Male Revan The Sub Nazi Elwin Ransom KOTOR On Manaan: The greatest warriors in the galaxy lost to them? I brought this up and began reading. The reason I used Canderous’ line above is simply because I didn’t believe they had lost to them either. Having Canderous admit to being a romance writer was a riot, and the entire ‘Sub-Nazi’ sub plot was outrageous. Too ridiculous for words, but a lot of fun. Pick of the Week Psychotic Man Slayers Triple E KOTOR Aboard Ebon Hawk: Trapped in hyperspace with three women at that time of the month… Being in my fifties, I have seen every stage of PMS they portrayed here, and I wanted to roll on the floor and laugh. Jolee’s reaction was perfect, Canderous dives for cover, Dryan (Revan) gets drenched and Carth was the unwitting target. Just delightful. Pick of the Week Knight of the Old Republic, Chapter 1 : The Endar Spire Taryn KOTOR aboard the Endar Spire: The frantic rush to escape. The piece was good if a bit generic. Having the main character be rattled by the idea of combat and surviving more by luck than anything else was a good bit. My view when I did the same scene with my own LSF Revan was that there were too many muscle memories to avoid, so mine was a soldier believing herself a sergeant, so efficiency would be the norm. There were no major problems with it, just polishing, which is good. One of the better retellings of this scene. Hangover Lord Zeuss KOTOR on Dantooine: Starting your training with a headache and needing to make an apology is not a good thing From the title I fully expected the headache to be a hangover, but was pleasantly surprised. The interplay from Belaya walking by to see him in the nude to Bastila being upset that he had apologized first was very well done. If the game had shown such a lackluster beginning, we would have despaired of him ever learning the force. Evanescent Part 1 Lord Zeuss Six months PostKOTOR: Torn by visions, Revan must journey into Unknown space. Bue he will not be going alone. This sentence; ‘comprehension without understanding’ confused me, because the definition of comprehension is perception or understanding. I understand what you mean, knowing what and how to fit in without understanding the method of it, but some might stumble over the phrase before they get it. The piece is well wrought, the fact that both suffer from regrets for what they had done well established. The vision, as visions do, tell little, but give us a sense of foreboding. This looks like one of those I am going to wish I could read all the way through. Pick of the Week Of Love TehRyder KOTOR After Leviathan: Carth can have his revenge… If he denies his heart. Except for the last few paragraphs, you would not even know this is a slash story. The hatred Carth must feel for the one he believes is the author of his pain is perfectly portrayed. Revan’s reply when asked, that he can’t think of a reason why Carth should not kill him perfect in the weariness of someone who has just been told he is the most hated man in the universe. Even without the ending, it would have worked, as none of us could see Carth as a cold blooded killer. Pick of the week The Collectors, Part 1 Ryl00 KOTOR enroute to Tatooine: An unexpected delay has the crew deciding to do some exploring. The interplay between the characters at the Pazaak table is humorous, Jolee coming across as not too bright, but as one who has dealt with card sharps before, I found it amusing. Too short to get an accurate feel for it. Missing Pieces: Chapter 1 Back In Blaque PostKOTOR: Sequel to Too Many Justins, a failed spy finds only one way out. Without reading the entire story (Which I have not done; I have too much going on in my life to read everything that appeals to me) I was a bit lost. I did work out what was happening, but as another reviewer said, not knowing who most of the characters were slowed me down. The angst and decision were well done. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ryl00 Posted September 6, 2009 Share Posted September 6, 2009 The Collectors, Part 1 Ryl00 KOTOR enroute to Tatooine: An unexpected delay has the crew deciding to do some exploring. The interplay between the characters at the Pazaak table is humorous, Jolee coming across as not too bright, but as one who has dealt with card sharps before, I found it amusing. Too short to get an accurate feel for it. Thanks for the review! I meant for Jolee to come across as teasing Mission by intentionally 'acting his age' (older person frustrates younger person trying to teach him/her something), but obviously it wasn't clear. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alkonium Posted September 6, 2009 Share Posted September 6, 2009 My fic Loss wasn't supposed to be a standalone story, more an in-character retrospective on events in The Sith Resurrection Part V. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted September 7, 2009 Author Share Posted September 7, 2009 Thanks for the review! I meant for Jolee to come across as teasing Mission by intentionally 'acting his age' (older person frustrates younger person trying to teach him/her something), but obviously it wasn't clear. On Star Trek the Next Generation they had an episode where someone asked Commander Riker if he knew Poker, and he replied, 'I've heard of the game' which implied as Jolee did that he didn't know the game... That is what I meant about cardsharps, kid. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted September 11, 2009 Author Share Posted September 11, 2009 Coruscant Entertainment Center Storytelling Darth Betrayal No era given: The children of the Wookiee listen to stories. The setting is interesting, but I for one would have wished to hear the professional just to see the balance. Good work. Reality Show 2012: Skeletons in my Closet Tysyacha NonSW Fiction: A new reality show is revealed The piece sounds interesting. I for one loathe reality shows. My usual sarcastic comment is that if you want a real reality show, grab a bunch of Amish and dump them in Las Vegas, or a tribe of Kalahari bushmen dumped in any big city. The modern reality show puts them in tough situations, but nothing really life threatening. 2112 Alkonium This piece was reviewed previously, and this is a requested second review. The biggest problem Alkonium is that musicals are not really my thing; The last musical I saw that I enjoyed was 1776. The plot is good, like any where a utopian society faces some grit in the gears. Remember that the word Utopia if translated directly from the original Greek meant ‘no place’. Such societies are always static because change would cause disruption. But as the Norse gods found out, a static society leads to Ragnarok. I, Avenian Lord of Hunger This piece was reviewed previously, and this is a requested second review. Technical comment: Ordering that no prisoners would be taken is not only a violation of the Jedi mindset, it is a war crime. Units have done so in history, the First Special Service Force from WWII comes to mind, but if you are trying to break the morale of an enemy, it is not a way to do it. The only thing that would come of it is the enemy would use the same attitude. The problem you would have is everyone who was sick of fighting would keep fighting all the harder, and any of your men already captured would now be at risk. Worse yet, if there were honest trials afterward, your actions would be considered the cause of the enemy’s action, so the guilt of all of those unnecessary deaths would be yours to shoulder. Remember, the rallying cry of the Texas War of Independence was to remember the Alamo and Goliad, both places where captured prisoners were killed out of hand. One question; was the Mando’a woman killed protecting Cathar civilians supposed to be any relation to my Merissa, as in her daughter Tirith? kotorfanmedia Light Side Female Revan Sleepless Nights NyghtRaven Starting two months PostKOTOR: As memories emerge, Revan must go to the Unknown Region, leaving her love behind The piece is interesting, primarily because of the vague nature of her memories. The scene on the planet at the end, her cursing her ship and threatening the local wildlife was choice. The Reunion NyghtRaven Ten years PostKOTOR: A badly batter Revan is returned to the Republic, and Carth can only undertake a vigil at her side. If this is supposed to be a sequel for sleepless nights, then Revan appears to have slipped her leash again. The vigil, and HK’s reaction was well done. Light Side Male Revan New Dawn Fades, Prelude Ryl00 KOTOR Aboard Star Forge: Revan has only one choice, and even as he acts, he regrets it. The piece was poignant. The scene is etched in your mind as you picture it, and while you know what he must do, you regret it almost as much as he does. Pick of the Week Carth's Blaster, Part 1 Ryl00 KOTOR on Manaan: Bastila and Mission team up to retrieve Carth’s blaster… The fact that Mission is the one who lost it in a pazaak game is purely incidental… The piece was amusing, primarily in Mission’s constant attempts to make it ‘their’ problem rather than her own, and twisting Bastila around her finger like a cheap dime store ring. It’s a pity I won’t have the time to follow up on it. With this as an example, I’m seriously bummed. Pick of the Week Light Side Male Exile Hunter Chronicles Darth Hunter Possibly Post TSL: A Sith lord begins hunting the Ebon Hawk’s crew. The piece flowed well, but the battle was confusing. The main reason is with seven light saber wielding people fighting, there isn’t a compartment aboard the Ebon Hawk large enough for the battle you describe. Also, it would have been more logical for him to disable the ship first rather than board. The scene cutting through the blast door is reminiscent of Phantom Menace, but a ship as small as the Ebon Hawk would not have redundant blast doors; there isn’t enough space in the deck plan to hold them. That Old, Familiar Feeling WraithFighter PostTSL: One way to get him to talk is get him drunk The piece flowed very well, and as much as Bastila denigrated it, delaying the inevitable is a good choice if you’re overmatched. The scene in the bar was perfect, and I had not anticipated that the waitress would be Mission. I understood Atton’s fear, as we all do (The scene usually happens on Nar Shaddaa) so moving it to here after the game is a well thought out tactic. The Wayside, Chapter One gan xinqba Originally posted 13 January 2006 Original review below; Set in KOTOR II I believe. An intelligence agent and an ex-Jedi apprentice investigate the suspicious deaths of several Jedi masters. Written in a journalistic style, the author leads you gently into the story with a bit about the main character, setting the scene and characters, and draws you into his created world. Very well done. Reprise Pick of the Week Stray Shot Skypilot TSL after Nar Shaddaa: A dream reveals some reality The basics are good. The dream segueing into the present with Mira finally recognizing the person in it smoothly done. The idea that the Exile needed to be redeemed from the dark side and her actions then had done so well done. Pick of the Week Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Betrayer Posted September 11, 2009 Share Posted September 11, 2009 My fic isn't over yet. I'm going to do the professional story too. Thanks for the review. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted September 13, 2009 Author Share Posted September 13, 2009 My fic isn't over yet. I'm going to do the professional story too. Thanks for the review. As I would expect and anticipate. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted September 18, 2009 Author Share Posted September 18, 2009 Coruscant Entertainment Center Astor Kaine Conspiracy Coruscant after the formation of the new Republic: A police officer is caught up in a web of intrigue. The basic story is pretty good, AK, but there are some procedural problems in the last scenes. There is an old Dragnet TV show (All episodes based on factual events) that springs to mind. Sergeant Friday is walking into a Laundromat, and catches a man slip wiring a coin machine. When he shouts he is a police officer, the man draws a gun and fires at him. Friday shoots the man. In the episode the investigation turned ugly when there is no sign of the bullet the assailant had fired. At that point Friday was relieved of duty pending investigation. First: A street cop is not going to arrest a sergeant at this point. The facts may not be in, but he is still a police officer. He would have been held at the scene while other specialist officers arrived. Among them would be homicide, Internal Affairs (Due to an officer involved shooting) and forensics. Only after these had arrived would anything be done about him specifically. Homicide would determine what they could, and IA would have escorted him down town, still uncuffed. At that time, he would be suspended for the duration of investigation, and his sidearm taken. He would still not be arrested or detained. Second, it is a common stance under law enforcement that flight implies guilt. While the kid trying to make the bust is overstepping his authority, the sergeant is now believed to be the murderer, because logically an innocent man would not flee. The Rise of Darth Scorcher onebaddude After formation of the New Republic: A new menace arises. The basics are good, but we know nothing of any note about the main character. As I have said before, things go a little too well for the bad guy. He hides his fall, takes control of the Imperial remnant (Which has been tried by other ascending Darths who failed miserably) then sits like a spider waiting for a new Jedi to come along and become his apprentice. Also if there was a replacement for Palpatine there should be more about him recorded. How he fought the Rebel Alliance for example, and how he died. You have added him as your non-canon character, but there is less about him than about the main one. Not bad for a first attempt. Welcome to the forum. Alternate history: U.S.A. vs. France Ping Not much yet. However there are some glaring flaws in the logic. New Orleans was ceded to the Spanish in the Treaty of 1763, and the city did not return to French rule until 1801. Then in 1803 the city was ceded to the US along with the Louisiana purchase. So your French government would have to be fighting two wars; one against the Spanish, and also with the US. Fighting Spain would be no biggie, the Spanish Empire started crumbling not long after the Armada. Napoleon was only a general in 1798; he would not hold his coup d’etat until a year later, and would not become Emperor until 1804. Part of the reason Napoleon as First Consul sold the Louisiana purchase to the US was because of staggering debts caused by the Monarchy and the first Republic. Welcome to the forum Over at kotorfanmedia Satiar sent me an email asking that I review this work. If the blurb isn’t what you wanted, kid; let me know. kotorfanmedia Not Always Made to Last Satiar KOTOR After the Star Forge: The relationship ends gently, and both feel a bit relieved. The piece is wonderful work. The sadness of a relationship ending, but friendship even at a distance remains for both. Poignant is the best way to describe it. Pick of the Week Light Side Female Revan Into Darkness Chapter One Jayd Originally reviewed 23 June 06. That review is below. During the confrontation in the Rakatan Temple in KOTOR I: Revan takes a middle road not offered in the game. Well written, intriguing suggestions. Worth a second glance. The problem with a game such as KOTOR is that you are faced with what are essentially binary solutions. If you do this, you slide toward the dark side, if you do this instead, you slide toward the light. Real life is more like what Jayd portrays. That is what bothers me. Back in the 60s, a lot of people compared the Lord of the Rings to the Second World War, which was raging when Tolkien wrote it. When asked Tolkien replied that the attitude of the ‘ends justifies the means’ would have had someone putting on the ring to defeat Sauron, then someone else would have had to kill this new terror quickly. His last comment was the most telling. ‘To be the good guy means refusing to take that easy road‘. As Jayd asked, I read it and the rewrite is as powerful as the original. All I can say is… Reprise Pick of the Week Light Side Male Revan SW KOTOR: Fall Darth Zether PreMandalorian Wars: A vision of the future sets what will later be KOTOR in motion. It wasn’t until I found out about Alek that I figured out who the main character was. It was interesting and the only thing that bothered me about the KOTOR universe in that the Dark Side version still had the same name since everyone else seems to have some ludicrous name assigned. Leaving that aside the piece is well wrought, and the call to arms very strong. I have always thought that standing aside showed not restraint but cowardice on the part of the council I honestly believe if they had explained their reasoning, the Jedi might not have gone to war and fallen. Light Side Male Exile Chapter I: Awaken Green Dragon TSL on Peragus: The Exile begins his mission. The telling is generic, though the asides to himself were interesting. Hiding Attonrand TSL enroute to Telos: Atton may be hiding something new. The piece started out pretty generic, but changed abruptly. The change surprised and delighted me. Very well done. Pick of the Week Spam Wars AngryFan TSL Aboard Ebon Hawk bound for Nar Shaddaa: The Sith and Jedi hostility is nothing compared to mods and forumites… An amusing little piece. It started out a bit generic, Atton and the Exile playing pazaak, then the skifter hit’s the table. From there it went off at a tangent, and never really came back. It was fun. Not-So-Pure Pazaak Attonrand TSL Aboard Ebon Hawk: Well at least they’re not fighting… The piece was a lot of fun. The pair did everything but fight. And the ending as Atton would say, was pure pazaak. Pick of the Week Not So Epic Endings DarthRevanrlz TSL on Malachor V: This would have been a better ending. Dialogue only works sometimes, and it did in this case. As another reviewer commented, I could hear the raised voices, flailing arms, and angry faces in my head. The back and forth became amusing, even arguing over what to call Kreia-Traya caused me to smile. Being hung up on admitting she is his mother even making him search his feelings over and over made me laugh. This would have been a better script for the end, of course most of us would agree that anything might have been better. Pick of the Week Exile vs. Sion Revan The White TSL on Malachor V: The fight between Sion and the Exile takes several weird turns. The piece was light and amusing. Interrupting a saber duel so Sion can take a voice call from Atris was choice. Pick of the Week Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Darth Scorcher Posted September 18, 2009 Share Posted September 18, 2009 Thanks for the review, although honestly I'm not tempted to continue the series since I haven't had much feedback other than yours, but still, thanks. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted September 19, 2009 Author Share Posted September 19, 2009 Thanks for the review, although honestly I'm not tempted to continue the series since I haven't had much feedback other than yours, but still, thanks. if you look at my more recent stuff you will see few comments. It's like pulling teeth sometimes. So don't let that deter you Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted September 25, 2009 Author Share Posted September 25, 2009 kotorfanmedia Light Side Female Exile They Break in the Head Inuki TSL Aboard the Ebon Hawk: Atton explains where one of his injuries came from An interesting blending of Star Wars and Asimov’s Three Laws of Robotics. We see too many droids killing people to really accept it, though the theory makes sense for a civilian populace. Light Side Male Revan The Altar of Judgment - 1: Cornered Bobgens001 PostKOTOR: Revan and Bastila go on a mission that doesn’t start smoothly The work is well done, the situation laid out smoothly, even the humor fit well. Fearing what you were and what you might become again is a constant in the Star Wars universe spicing it just a little. Pick of the Week Light Side Male Exile Heart of the Huntress Bakhu TSL on Malachor V: Mira has to tell him how she feels… just not yet. The interplay between Mira’s emotions and the events going on around them is a fun read. Having as much competition as she does is no help to the emotions she wants to express. The last line is perfect, a logical unemotional reason to remain. And as Doctor McCoy said at another such rational pint, in a pig’s eye. Pick of the week. From One Exile to Another Chapter 1: I Looked Upon him with Love DarthGriz98 TSL On Telos: The handmaiden carries out her part of Kreia’s plan, and discovers that she does love the Exile. The piece was interesting albeit short. The flow could have been better, and the fight scenes were too abbreviated. Nothing that polishing would not cure. Chapter One - Snap Shots from the Past Wintera Originally reviewed 21 July 2006. Review below Prelude to KOTOR: The events from before finding the Star Map to the direct confrontation with Mandalore. An excellent work. The author had my attention from the first. My only problem is ‘who’ is the master she spends time with at the start? Unfortunately, I do not have time to read all of the other postings. Reprise Pick of the Week The Bounty Hunter and the Scoundrel, Chapter 1 Kandon Kuuson PostTSL: With the Exile now off to find Revan the characters miss specific people. As an introduction this was outstanding. Having the male and female characters paired off, yet unsure if the other returns their affections is well done. Especially that bit of jealousy from Brianna at the end… Pick of the Week The Horn Mystery Kandon Kuuson Post Yuuzan Vong wars: Corran Horn learns more about his elusive ancestor. Forgetting words, ‘He looked at tool of information” Which should have been ‘He looked at the tool of information’ and ‘While I bring up the necessary information’ which should have been Wait while I bring up the necessary information’. Don’t feel too bad. It’s something I do when a story is flowing well. As another noted, Keiran Halcyon was from only four centuries previous, not 4 millennia. But not a bad idea. The General Returns to War Ocelott Originally posted 22 Dec 2006, that review is below; Set after TSL: The exile finally meets Revan again. The scenes are well laid out, the story flows smoothly. The self denigrating way Danna (Revan) speaks is instantly appealing. My favorite line is Revan’s ‘Go figure. You create an evil empire, kill a few million people, and you start to get a bad rep.” Reprise pick of the week Dear Diary Evil Shall Giggle TSL After Telos: Atris rereads her diary The piece was cute because even in her diary, Atris is too bluntly honest with herself. She imagines what could have happened, then what actually did. Each time stepping a little further away from the Exile, then mourning his departure alone rather than admit it. Nice to see our favorite ice maiden had a a heart after all. When We Say Good Bye Shara PreTSL: After being sentenced to Exile, he had to say goodbye The piece is excellent in a number of ways. As another commented, it was curious to see Atris jealous of a female Revan for taking away ‘her’ man. Another excellent work. Pick of the Week Live a little Shara PreTSL: With a little effort, friendship will grow. An interesting view, especially taken with the story by the same author above. We see here what might be the beginning of a relationship between Atris and the Exile. Perhaps all someone had to do was really give her the attention she unwittingly craved. Pick of the Week Burning Heart Darkness and Light Post TSL: The Exile didn’t know what he would give up to find Revan The piece is all dialogue, and heartrending. I was bothered that the author never revealed who was supposed to be his wife. But we know he misses her deeply. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ping Posted September 25, 2009 Share Posted September 25, 2009 Welcome to the forum Heh, thanks. I didn't expect to have a review with praise or anything, but still, what you pointed out is good to help me write a better story . This just means I'll have to do my research more carefully . Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted September 25, 2009 Author Share Posted September 25, 2009 Heh, thanks. I didn't expect to have a review with praise or anything, but still, what you pointed out is good to help me write a better story . This just means I'll have to do my research more carefully . The thing to remember about alternate history is to use something that could easily happen because of events. As an example, Harry Harrison wrote Stars and Stripes forever which started out as a good premise (England going to war with us because of the Trent Affair) but then had the South reconciling too easily after the battle of Shiloh (And an attack on Confederate Mobile by the Brits) to fight the British invaders. From what I've seen of the Southern commanders, I would have sat back and waited for the North to either be defeated, or kick into high gear so that they face a war on two fronts, not reconcile and fight together. In fact, if I could find out more about the Sweetcomb&Long Land battery, I would be able to proceed with my own alternate history of that period. The device mentioned above was the first attempt at what we call a tank. The period you picked would not have made Napoleon's job easier, as the Nile Campaign might have. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted October 2, 2009 Author Share Posted October 2, 2009 Coruscant Entertainment Center Music of the Force Writer Submission to the Getting the Crystals contest. During AOTC: A young Jedi goes in search of her own crystal, and faces her dark self. I know when Writer is posting, it is usually good and I wasn’t disappointed. The piece flows well, and seeing the brash young girl go off and end up stranded was perfect. Her travails both mental and physical were reduced, but remembering how much ‘fun’ it was to do a multiple posting for the contests I could understand that. The idea that Sith hunters would be around still was a bit confusing. Since the Sith had been reduced in numbers by the rule of two, it would be like building a palisade around a modern city to stop Indian attacks. But having that person as a foil at the start helped the story along. If I voted this would get one. Pick of the week T'katlu Endorenna Submission to the Getting the Crystals contest. During the Mandalorian wars: A prisoner is released by Malek to pursue her destiny at his command. The story is good, it flows well, and the gaining of the stones is well done. Turning it’s own spines against it was a good move, though it could have been immune to the poison as most venomous things are. Another I would have voted for. The Brush and Palette For Words That Are Gone Unsaid Mr BFA NonSW fiction: A dissertation on obsession. The piece is good in a very disturbing way. The main character is obsessed with this young girl, and the scene stark as it is, revolves around her and the feelings she creates in the viewer. Star Wars: The Ides of Fall JediMaster12 KOTOR on Endar Spire: Revan fights through the escape Except for one point, calling the weapon a melee blade, the piece is well done. The flashes of déjà vu were the most interesting part, along with the impetus of a light saber slicing through the last door to get them moving. kotorfanmedia Light Side Female Revan Tao Fel: Chapter 1 - The Smuggler Sonn4Jam3s KOTOR aboard Endar Spire: Our hero makes it to the escape pods and off the ship. A generic retelling, though having her be a heavy drinker obsessed with Trask’s touchy (The word is tushy actually) was amusing. She goes from teasing Trask to now noticing Carth’s looks without a pause. Fun read. Light Side Female Exile The way the universe ends part I ThePicPic TSL after Malachor V: For the first time in seven years, the Exile feels Revan’s presence, and must go to his aid. The writing is good if a bit rushed. You ran across the deaths in both adventures as if flipping through a set of pictures, Bastila, Bao Dur, Michal, all gone but not telling us how they died. On the technical side, considering the Star Forge could churn out ships like an assembly line, how had the Sith without the same technology created something that would create an even larger fleet in that short a time? If you read my post The economics and lag time of ship building. Post #145 you will see that using normal building methods, it would take three to four years per ship of the Frigate or cruiser classes while the Star Forge was building them in days. Dark Side Male Revan The Galaxies War:Ch.1: Aftermath Darth Raelic PostKOTOR and present: As Revan plots his return to power, Darth Sidious tells Vader of what had occurred in the past. The piece was disjointed, making the reader jump from premise to premise. This is a flow problem, easily corrected by polishing. Beyond that it was an intriguing read. Technical 1: Concerning ‘It was a weapon that the Sith used often.’. Working against booby traps (Or IEDs as they have taken to calling them) The first few usually will take out the man disarming them. However if the Sith use the technique often, the Ordinance people would have found a way to avoid or negate them. Watch a series named UXB from the BBC where they cover the evolution of the timed detonation bombs during WWII, and you will see what I mean. After all the Republic has fought the Sith before, and have been at it this time for over two years. Technical 2: Since the Chancellor doesn’t have any authority over the Jedi, how could he have been the one to order Revan’s reprogramming? Light Side Male Exile A Hero Rises Ch.1-Struggle Lord Revan 107 TSL aboard Ravager: The confrontation between Nihilus and the Exile. The piece was interesting though the battle scene was a bit forced. I did like the idea of a Visas/Exile romance. Exile's Journal, Chapter 1 Mantle of the Force TSL on Peragus: The Exile begins his journey in a rather amusing manner. Amidst a generic retelling of the first events, there is humor. Having the newly freed Exile run straight into the first door was cute, then screaming ‘Ah Zombie!” when Kreia sat up. A pity I don’t have time to read the follow on pieces with a beginning like that. Ambush Johnny During the Mandalorian wars on Dxun: In the nick of time, the Jedi appears. The piece had it’s good points, the setting of the scene, the sudden arrival of the Jedi, but it had some that confused me. As a simple military example, why is the loss of one recon unit of half a dozen men going to cause a full retreat from the planet? Black Onyx Katara Ironarm PostKOTOR on Korriban: Revan plots her return to glory The piece grabbed hold of you and dragged you through the events. Having Carth be Lord Sion after killing Bastila was choice. Describing Revan’s emotions as she plots not only against the Republic but also her new apprentice was just icing on the cake. 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Writer Posted October 2, 2009 Share Posted October 2, 2009 Coruscant Entertainment Center Music of the Force Writer Submission to the Getting the Crystals contest. During AOTC: A young Jedi goes in search of her own crystal, and faces her dark self. I know when Writer is posting, it is usually good and I wasn’t disappointed. The piece flows well, and seeing the brash young girl go off and end up stranded was perfect. Her travails both mental and physical were reduced, but remembering how much ‘fun’ it was to do a multiple posting for the contests I could understand that. The idea that Sith hunters would be around still was a bit confusing. Since the Sith had been reduced in numbers by the rule of two, it would be like building a palisade around a modern city to stop Indian attacks. But having that person as a foil at the start helped the story along. First off, thanks for the positive review! I don't fault you for not understanding the presence of the Sith Hunters. If I had a lot of my other writing concerning them up and around, you may have better understood. At this point in history (roughly the start of the Clone Wars), Reibe is the only known surviving Sith Hunter. Furthermore, she was thought to be dead until shortly before 'The Phantom Menace'. At present, Reibe's 'function' in the greater scheme of galactic happenings is that she's sort of presented herself as a 'Force-wielding thug' for the Republic to throw around. She occasionally takes missions from the Jedi, but she primarily acts as a Republic covert operative. In the Clone Wars, she did much the same, though her operations dealt more with the Seperatists than with commonplace thugs. Essentially, she's around and most Jedi know her by name (and don't trust her as far as they could reach). But they don't know why she's suddenly back in action after having been missing for five hundred years, and her appearance combined with the fact that the Sith are in the process of making a comeback understandably concerns them. One final thing I wanted to point out here: this story marks the first time that Reibe's foresight was dead wrong. That was fun Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JediMaster12 Posted October 6, 2009 Share Posted October 6, 2009 Thanks mach for your words of critique. I for one just decided out of the blue to write this fic and hopefully get me back on track with some others after a long hiatus of grad school taking over my life. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The_Catto Posted October 8, 2009 Share Posted October 8, 2009 Coruscant Entertainment Center The Brush and Palette For Words That Are Gone Unsaid Mr BFA NonSW fiction: A dissertation on obsession. The piece is good in a very disturbing way. The main character is obsessed with this young girl, and the scene stark as it is, revolves around her and the feelings she creates in the viewer. Thanks for the review Mach, but I don't think I put across the idea as well as I could have... The main character isn't obsessed with the young girl (cause let's face it, that'd be just creepy and weird) .. He's obsessed with this gothic woman who reminds him of the painting of the young girl in the room. What the idea of the painting represents: darkness, being alone ... you know .. all that jazz. The woman reminds him of that painting and he combines the two, per se, and tries to understand what he's feeling for the gothic woman and to understand why she is the way she is... if that makes any sense what so ever. Thanks again for the review Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Endorenna Posted October 8, 2009 Share Posted October 8, 2009 T'katlu Endorenna Submission to the Getting the Crystals contest. During the Mandalorian wars: A prisoner is released by Malek to pursue her destiny at his command. The story is good, it flows well, and the gaining of the stones is well done. Turning it’s own spines against it was a good move, though it could have been immune to the poison as most venomous things are. Another I would have voted for. Thank you. I thought about the critter being immune to its own poison, so I had her thrown the spine in a way that pierced its brain. You're right, though--I should've made it clearer. >_< Oh, well. That's what I get for finishing things at three in the morning. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted October 8, 2009 Author Share Posted October 8, 2009 Thank you. I thought about the critter being immune to its own poison, so I had her thrown the spine in a way that pierced its brain. You're right, though--I should've made it clearer. >_< Oh, well. That's what I get for finishing things at three in the morning. Don't worry; how many people who read your stuff are critics? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted October 9, 2009 Author Share Posted October 9, 2009 Coruscant Entertainment Center Alora's Salvation Shuttle Atlantis Set in Jedi Academy II: Having been defeated yet again, Alora contemplates changing her future Considering how most of the Dark, Jedi, Sith, Reborn whatever act, this is a refreshing change. To consider that maybe you had wasted your life and needed to find another path is something you expect of a Jedi or any real person. Good work, and welcome to the forum. kotorfanmedia Light Side Male Exile War Stories Inuki TSL Aboard Ebon Hawk en route to Korriban: A sleepless night draws out the reason for it. The piece is soft, gentle, almost loving in it’s treatment of nightmares caused by a war. We always knew the Exile and Bao Dur had them, but it’s surprising to discover that Atton had been in the same hell at Malachor, and has as many nightmares as the others. Pick of the Week Heavenly Rewards Elena TSL after Malachor V: Fleeting glimpses of Mira’s life after the mission The piece is a little too sad for me. Mira drifts through it as if she is still in a coma until the end, going through the motions of life rather than having one. En Media Res DarkSpiral TSL on Nar Shaddaa: The crew takes the Ebon Hawk back from the slavers The fight scene was brisk and well laid out. The snippy attitude of Brianna a bit much, but her reaction to Visas is perfect for a jealous woman. A Gathering Storm, Chapter 1 Calan Qel Droma PostTSL aboard Ebon Hawk after Malachor V: The Exile gives his last orders The piece flowed well, the orders succinct and specific. The possibility of Brianna being the love interest was unrequited, but we understand as he speaks with Visas. Nicely done. A Wound in the Force, Chapter 1 KingZephiel PreMandalorian war: A parting as one goes to war The basics are good, the argument more for form than anything else. The primary reason I hated the way the Jedi Council reacted to the war was after teaching for years that a Jedi’s duty is to the people, the council wasn’t willing to protect them. Dissolve Jen PreKOTOR: With Revan Dead, the Exile sees life ahead and can’t stand it. Several others have commented, and Freesourceful over at KFM did a basic review of it, yet still I have to comment… You did great. The angst over the different treatment between the two is heartrending. Revan might be what parents scare their children with in later years, the Exile was merely erased from history, and that makes it even worse. Male or female, it doesn’t matter, to see someone you had followed to war vilified while you don’t even get a footnote can be painful. Pick of the Week Scars of Fate: Ch. 1 Lord Revan 107 TSL Aboard Ebon Hawk at Dxun: The battle from Visas’ view The piece rolls right over you, as Visas did to her opponents. The idea of using the other person’s sight was interesting, seeing herself from the Exile’s view gave the author a chance to describe not only him but Visas as well. Pick of the Week 'Exile's Revenge' Chapter 1: Mical DarthNemesis2 PostTSL: Mical trains to rejoin the Exile The piece is interesting in that unlike a lot of us, DN2 allows time to pass. It isn’t the few hurried weeks of Revan’s retraining or Luke’s on Dagobah. A year and a half is allowed to pass. What I enoyed most was the idea that Vandar makes the same mistake Yoda warned against in TESB. To think the council, at his advice, sat out the Mandalorian Wars and it’s aftermath because he misread a vision. A vision not of the wars that had been fought, but a conflict beyond them both. Technical: according to canon the Capital of Corellia is Cornet The True War, The Search for Revan Act 1,Prologule Xavier Timor PostTSL: The Exile give his final orders before setting out to find Revan Word usage problems, fith instead of fifth, most instead of must. This is an editing problem, nothing more. The piece is bittersweet as you might expect. A parting that may end in death between a man and his comrades. The idea that a Jedi can be also a Mandalorian has not been used often. One person claimed they were diametrically opposite so it is impossible, but I for one like the idea. Death of a God WinterOnasi TSL Aboard Ravager: Manda’lor tells the Exile the truth of his past. The piece flows well and I liked not only a Mandalorian Jedi, but a Visas/Exile relationship as well. But when WinterOnasi writes something, it’s like a fine cook. It’s all good. Technical point: The prow is another word for bow of a ship, the front. The bridge appears to be in the superstructure, not in the prow. Pick of the Week Pazaak Problems Percules TSL on Nar Shaddaa: A friendly little game ends up as a full fledged brawl This has been exhaustively reviewed by Hekata, so I see no reason to belabor the point. The basics are good if a bit trite. The ending scene was a bit over the top in cuteness. As a first work it was pretty good. Path of the Exile: The Gift A.R.Minion TSL Aboard Ebon Hawk enroute to Dxun: A small gift heals so many wounds. Improper word usage. It is encumberance, not cumberance. Conceit should be replaced with perhaps acceptance. These are but a few of those I noticed. The basics and the very idea are good. The interplay between Visas and her emotions set the scene very well. A simple act of kindness spreading to affect so much more. Pick of the Week Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shuttle Atlantis Posted October 12, 2009 Share Posted October 12, 2009 Alora's Salvation Shuttle Atlantis Set in Jedi Academy II: Having been defeated yet again, Alora contemplates changing her future Considering how most of the Dark, Jedi, Sith, Reborn whatever act, this is a refreshing change. To consider that maybe you had wasted your life and needed to find another path is something you expect of a Jedi or any real person. Good work, and welcome to the forum. This story has been retitled 'Imperfect Destiny' I REALLY don't know how to change the title of a thread here. Someone please help. I actually wasn’t trying to make Alora much different from other dark Jedi. I’ve seen a number of characters who go out and become monsters, realize what they’ve done, and then come crawling back with regret. In the game, Alora shows nothing to indicate she might want to become a Jedi. She’s arrogant, self absorbed, and ruthless. I’ve changed the plot, but I want to keep the character the same. She is going back to help the Jedi, but she does not intend to join them. She helps them because their interests cooincide. Another element of the plot I’ve changed is that the Jedi do not know that Tavion intends to revive Ragnos until Alora tells them. To reflect the title, I'm having Alora meet with several plot-changers which don't end up as she anticipated. For the next chapter, she'll rest easy at the end only to have an unfortunate complication in the next chapter lead to an unfortunate turn of events. Some of these 'imperfect' destinies may be for better or for worse. Thanks for the review. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hallucination Posted October 12, 2009 Share Posted October 12, 2009 This story has been retitled 'Imperfect Destiny' I REALLY don't know how to change the title of a thread here. Someone please help. Users can't change the title of a thread, you'll have to ask a moderator/s-mod/administrator to do it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted October 16, 2009 Author Share Posted October 16, 2009 kotorfanmedia Light Side Female Exile For What It Was Worth Chronokinetic TSL after Malachor V: The Exile looks back on her recent life The piece is nice and introspective. As she meditates, she sees her opponents, and considers their ends. Oddly enough the only one she shows feeling for, Sion, is primarily because he had lived too long, and pities him. Dark Side Male Revan Hope and Regret Nyghtraven PreKOTOR: Revan is warned by a vision, and makes plans to stop himself from being captured. Remember to fill in sentences. You forgot The in ‘possibility that Revan knew of their planned trap unnerved her greatly, but Master Vandar had convinced her that they had to go ahead with the plan and hope (it) worked‘. An editing problem easily corrected next time. Technical note: While someone might have a bridge station, it is rare to refer to them just as that station. If you did, you would still use the, of it would be the Navigation officer for example. The piece flows well, and Revan struts his stuff as a tactician. Having the self destruct go off is a bit of an overkill, but it ends the threat nicely. One of those I wish I could read all the way through. Pick of the Week Light Side Male Revan The Truth Chronokinetic KOTOR after Leviathan: Is it the truth or what you believe that is more important? The piece drags you down into Revan’s darkness as he finds out who he really is and shatters everything else. Terri Pratchett in a satirical aside at the ‘freedom’ of the press commented that it is the freedom to dump gasoline on a fire. Here we have the two most important things our hero must consider; as horrible as he might have been, can he really be the hero? Or is it the care and support of his friends that will help him achieve this goal? Thought provoking. Pick of the Week Knights of the Old Republic: Dark Forces, Chapter One Malpense The Dark TSL just after Malachor V: The crew deals with the pain of victory The piece is soft and smooth as you read it. Another reviewer waxed poetic. You get to see the carnage that makes me remember Wellington’s quote; the only thing worse than a battlefield lost, is a battlefield won. Pick of the Week Light Side Male Exile From the ashes, Chapter 1 TheKickback Alternate Universe: The Exile awakens on Peragus The piece is interesting in that Kreia is replaced by Nomi Sunrider. The premise as explained in the after word does make sense, and should make interesting reading from here on. Confiding in a Creature Not So Often Loved... RevanRand16 PostTSL: Revan returns from the Unknown Region, and needs someone to talk to The story is sweet primarily because the main character is still pensive about what has happened i the recent past. The ending is good if a bit generic. The Exiles (one-shot) Zuraffo PostTSL: When the Exile vanishes again after Malachor V, Atton finds him The piece is interesting in that it shows what sometimes happens after the adventure. The hero instead of riding off into the sunset sometimes is unwilling to accept the accolades he doesn’t feel he deserves. Atton is a perfect foil, because he let go, but wasn’t willing to let go of everything. All Left Unsaid TKA001 TSL aboard Ravager: The battle with Nihilus costs too much The piece is stark in it’s chiaroscuro way, and having Visas die by her own hand to kill the Dark Lord is a shock. How Long Will You Wait? Trillian4210 PostTSL: As the years pass, Carth Onasi and Brianna hold to their loves, but it is hard work The piece is excellent in it’s detail of the emotions being felt by the two lovers who wait. The attraction each feels for the other starts as this shared burden, but could have blossomed into more as each pulls against that restraint. It ended at just the right time; too soon for them to have fallen completely, but so close that it was a Wellington commented on Waterloo, a near run thing. Pick of the Week Identity Katara Ironarm TSL on Telos: The Handmaiden meets the Exile, then joins the crew It is a bit hurried to me, though what it does in great detail is sketch in her sisters and their reactions. Brianna’s reaction to the Exile is good be cause he goes from some twit to something else smoothly. Knights of the Old Republic III: The True Sith, Chapter 1 Master Chef 505 PostTSL: The partings of both the Revan and the Exile and the aftermath I was torn as were a number of the previous reviewers. For the length, little of substance was given to the reader, yet there was detail. Seeing Mission get drunk was cute, considering what she’s like in the story I can see her as a nasty drunk. The pain felt by Visas was little explored, but the pain in both Bastila and Brianna in their loss was an excellent counterpoint. KOTOR III: The Hidden Threat, Chap. 1 The Beginning Darth Nicho From the Mandalorian wars to post TSL: Another characters is called to service The comment regarding battle scenes was well done; Another possible option for understanding it would be the movies of Akira Kurosawa, where the Samurai are the main warriors. A battle scene in real life is like snapshots from hell, and as I commented in one of my own works, all a soldier in this situation sees is what is directly in front of him. Using game terms detracts because the reader immediately knows what you have done and feels a bit cheated. Even mentioning styles (You didn’t) do the same because all the styles mentioned are is a way to describe different strikes and blocks and giving the character additional pluses for specific actions. As an example, watch the sword fighting scene in the Princess Bride between the masked man and Inigo where both are commenting on the different styles they are using as they fight. 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