Monty Python's Flying Thread!

[Darth Groovy]

Post quotes, remarks pics.........anyting! Monty Python rules!

 

^This one is my favorite!

 

.........And now for something completely different!(psss Keep it going!)

[leXX]

GENT: Good morning. I'd care to purchase a chicken, please.

BUTCHER: Don't come here with all that posh talk you nasty, stuck-up twit.

GENT: I beg your pardon?

BUTCHER: A chicken, sir. Certainly.

GENT: Thank you. And how much does that work out to per pound, my good fellow?

BUTCHER: Per pound, you slimy trollope, what kind of a ponce are you?

GENT: I'm sorry?

BUTCHER: 4/6 a pound, sir, nice and ready for roasting.

GENT: I see, and I'd care to purchase some stuffing in addition, please.

BUTCHER: Use your own, you great poovy po-nagger!

GENT: What?

BUTCHER: Ah, certainly sir, some stuffing.

GENT: Oh, thank you.

BUTCHER: 'Oh, thank you' says the great queen like a la-di-dah poofta.

GENT: I beg your pardon?

BUTCHER: That's all right, sir, call again.

GENT: Excuse me.

BUTCHER: What is it now, you great pillock?

GENT: Well, I can't help noticing that you insult me and then you're polite to me alternately.

BUTCHER: I'm terribly sorry to hear that, sir.

GENT: That's all right. It doesn't really matter.

BUTCHER: Tough titty if it did, you nasty spotted prancer.

 

 

 

It took me an hour to bury the cat. It wouldn't stop moving.

 

 

 

All things dull and ugly, all creatures short and squat, all things rude and nasty, the lord god made the lot.

 

 

 

THIS IS AN EX-PARROT!!

[Darth Groovy]

 

The Ministry of Silly Walks"And Now For Something Completely Different.........."

[leXX]

A customer enters a pet shop.

 

Customer: 'Ello, I wish to register a complaint. (The owner does not respond.)

 

C: 'Ello, Miss?

 

Owner: What do you mean "miss"?

 

C: I'm sorry, I have a cold. I wish to make a complaint!

 

O: We're closin' for lunch.

 

C: Never mind that, my lad. I wish to complain about this parrot what I purchased not half an hour ago from this very boutique.

 

O: Oh yes, the, uh, the Norwegian Blue...What's,uh...What's wrong with it?

 

C: I'll tell you what's wrong with it, my lad. 'E's dead, that's what's wrong with it!

 

O: No, no, 'e's uh,...he's resting.

 

C: Look, matey, I know a dead parrot when I see one, and I'm looking at one right now.

 

O: No no he's not dead, he's, he's restin'! Remarkable bird, the Norwegian Blue, idn'it, ay? Beautiful plumage!

 

C: The plumage don't enter into it. It's stone dead.

 

O: Nononono, no, no! 'E's resting!

 

C: All right then, if he's restin', I'll wake him up! (shouting at the cage) 'Ello, Mister Polly Parrot! I've got a lovely fresh cuttle fish for you if you show...(owner hits the cage)

 

O: There, he moved!

 

C: No, he didn't, that was you hitting the cage!

 

O: I never!!

 

C: Yes, you did!

 

O: I never, never did anything...

 

C: (yelling and hitting the cage repeatedly) 'ELLO POLLY!!!!! Testing! Testing! Testing! Testing! This is your nine o'clock alarm call! (Takes parrot out of the cage and thumps its head on the counter. Throws it up in the air and watches it plummet to the floor.)

 

C: Now that's what I call a dead parrot.

 

O: No, no.....No, 'e's stunned!

 

C: STUNNED?!?

 

O: Yeah! You stunned him, just as he was wakin' up! Norwegian Blues stun easily, major.

 

C: Um...now look...now look, mate, I've definitely 'ad enough of this. That parrot is definitely deceased, and when I purchased it not 'alf an hour ago, you assured me that its total lack of movement was due to it bein' tired and shagged out following a prolonged squawk.

 

O: Well, he's...he's, ah...probably pining for the fjords.

 

C: PININ' for the FJORDS?!?!?!? What kind of talk is that?, look, why did he fall flat on his back the moment I got 'im home?

 

O: The Norwegian Blue prefers keepin' on it's back! Remarkable bird, id'nit, squire? Lovely plumage!

 

C: Look, I took the liberty of examining that parrot when I got it home, and I discovered the only reason that it had been sitting on its perch in the first place was that it had been NAILED there. (pause)

 

O: Well, o'course it was nailed there! If I hadn't nailed that bird down, it would have nuzzled up to those bars, bent 'em apart with its beak, and VOOM! Feeweeweewee!

 

C: "VOOM"?!? Mate, this bird wouldn't "voom" if you put four million volts through it! 'E's bleedin' demised!

 

O: No no! 'E's pining!

 

C: 'E's not pinin'! 'E's passed on! This parrot is no more! He has ceased to be! 'E's expired and gone to meet 'is maker! 'E's a stiff! Bereft of life, 'e rests in peace! If you hadn't nailed 'im to the perch 'e'd be pushing up the daisies! 'Is metabolic processes are now 'istory! 'E's off the twig! 'E's kicked the bucket, 'e's shuffled off 'is mortal coil, run down the curtain and joined the bleedin' choir invisibile!! THIS IS AN EX-PARROT!! (pause)

 

O: Well, I'd better replace it, then. (he takes a quick peek behind the counter)

 

O: Sorry squire, I've had a look 'round the back of the shop, and uh, we're right out of parrots.

 

C: I see. I see, I get the picture.

 

O: I got a slug. (pause)

 

C: Pray, does it talk?

 

O: Nnnnot really.

 

C: WELL IT'S HARDLY A BLOODY REPLACEMENT, IS IT?!!???!!?

 

O: Well! I never wanted to do this in the first place. I wanted to be... A LUMBERJACK!

[Jah Warrior]

From the Holy Grail,

 

"We shall fart in your general direction"

 

love that line

[BCanr2d2]

You forgot to mention that store was in Bolton Lexx, coz that skit goes on into Notlob, where there is the same store!!

Speaking of which, a player in Australia for football (Aussie Rules) is called Motlop - and not until I saw his name in the paper did I think that was his proper name, just thought the commentators on the radio were calling him Notlob, from that Dead Parrot sketch.

[JrKASperov]

NI!

 

Icky icky icky icky ptang ZOOwong nawong!

 

love that flick;)

[Jah Warrior]

it it it it it

[Orengimomo]

"It's just a flesh wound"

 

"What are you gonna do? bleed on me?"

 

"On second hand, lets not go to Camelot, tis a silly place"

 

"She turned me into a newt!"

[LivingSacrifice]

kinda long, but one of the best.

 

Man: Trouble at mill.

Woman: Oh no - what kind of trouble?

 

Man: One on't cross beams gone owt askew on treddle.

 

Woman: Pardon?

 

Man: One on't cross beams gone owt askew on treddle.

 

Woman: I don't understand what you're saying.

 

Man: (slightly irritatedly and with exaggeratedly clear accent) One of the cross beams has gone out askew on the treddle.

 

Woman: Well what on earth does that mean?

 

Man: *I* don't know - Mr Wentworth just told me to come in here and say that there was trouble at the mill, that's all - I didn't expect a kind of Spanish Inquisition.

 

(JARRING CHORD - The door flies open and Cardinal Ximinez of Spain enters, flanked by two junior cardinals. Cardinal Biggles has goggles pushed over his forehead. Cardinal Fang is just Cardinal Fang)

 

Ximinez: NOBODY expects the Spanish Inquisition! Our chief weapon is suprise...surprise and fear...fear and surprise.... Our two weapons are fear and surprise...and ruthless efficiency.... Our *three* weapons are fear, surprise, and ruthless efficiency...and an almost fanatical devotion to the Pope.... Our *four*...no... *Amongst* our weapons.... Amongst our weaponry...are such elements as fear, surprise.... I'll come in again. (Exit and exeunt)

 

Man: I didn't expect a kind of Spanish Inquisition.

 

(JARRING CHORD - The cardinals burst in)

 

Ximinez: NOBODY expects the Spanish Inquisition! Amongst our weaponry are such diverse elements as: fear, surprise, ruthless efficiency, an almost fanatical devotion to the Pope, and nice red uniforms - Oh damn! (To Cardinal Biggles) I can't say it - you'll have to say it.

 

Biggles: What?

 

Ximinez: You'll have to say the bit about 'Our chief weapons are ...'

 

Biggles: (rather horrified) I couldn't do that...

 

(Ximinez bundles the cardinals outside again)

 

Man: I didn't expect a kind of Spanish Inquisition.

 

(JARRING CHORD - The cardinals enter)

 

Biggles: Er.... Nobody...um....

 

Ximinez: Expects...

 

Biggles: Expects... Nobody expects the...um...the Spanish...um...

 

Ximinez: Inquisition.

 

Biggles: I know, I know! Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition. In fact, those who do expect -

 

Ximinez: Our chief weapons are...

 

Biggles: Our chief weapons are...um...er...

 

Ximinez: Surprise...

 

Biggles: Surprise and --

 

Ximinez: Okay, stop. Stop. Stop there - stop there. Stop. Phew! Ah! ...our chief weapons are surprise...blah blah blah. Cardinal, read the charges.

 

Fang: You are hereby charged that you did on diverse dates commit heresy against the Holy Church. 'My old man said follow the--'

 

Biggles: That's enough. (To woman) Now, how do you plead?

 

Woman: We're innocent.

 

Ximinez: Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!

 

(Superimposed caption: 'DIABOLICAL LAUGHTER')

 

Biggles: We'll soon change your mind about that!

 

(Superimposed caption: 'DIABOLICAL ACTING')

 

 

Ximinez: Fear, surprise, and a most ruthless-- (controls himself with a supreme effort) Ooooh! Now, Cardinal -- the rack!

 

 

(Biggles produces a plastic-coated dish-drying rack. Ximinez looks at it and clenches his teeth in an effort not to lose control. He hums heavily to cover his anger)

 

Ximinez: You....Right! Tie her down.

 

(Fang and Biggles make a pathetic attempt to tie her on to the drying rack)

 

Ximinez: Right! How do you plead?

 

Woman: Innocent.

 

Ximinez: Ha! Right! Cardinal, give the rack (oh dear) give the rack a turn.

 

(Biggles stands their awkwardly and shrugs his shoulders)

 

Biggles: I....

 

Ximinez: (gritting his teeth) I *know*, I know you can't. I didn't want to say anything. I just wanted to try and ignore your crass mistake.

 

Biggles: I...

 

Ximinez: It makes it all seem so stupid.

 

Biggles: Shall I...?

 

Ximinez: No, just pretend for God's sake. Ha! Ha! Ha!

 

(Biggles turns an imaginary handle on the side of the rack. The doorbell rings. the man detaches himself from scene and answers it. Outside there is a dapper BBC man with a suit and a beard, slightly arty.)

 

BBC Man: Ah, hello, you don't know me, but I'm from the BBC. We were wondering if you'd come and answer the door in a sketch over there, in that sort of direction... You wouldn't have to do anything - just open the door and that's it.

 

Reg: Oh, well all right, yes.

 

BBC Man: Jolly good. Come this way. Cut to film of them coming out of the front door of the house and walking to BBC van. Conversation is heard throughout (slightly faintly).

 

BBC Man: Yes, we're on film at the moment you see.

 

Reg: It's a link, is it?

 

BBC Man: Yes that's right, that son of thing, yes, a link. It's all a bit zany - you know a bit madcap funster... frankly I don't fully understand it myself, the kids seem to like it. I much prefer Des O'Connor ... Rolf Harris ... Tom Jones, you know...

 

(They get into the van. It drives off. They pass an AA sign saying 'To the Sketch'. Panning shot of them, in which we see them convening and hear...)

 

Reg: You do a lot of this sort of thing, do you?

 

BBC Man: Quite a lot yes, quite a lot. I'm mainly in comedy. I'd like to be in Programming Planning actually, but unfortunately I've got a degree.

 

(They arrive outside a suburban house, where the novelty salesman, Mr Johnson, is already waiting outside the front door. BBC man points and gives Reg direaion. Reg goes to the door saying: 'Excuse me' and goes in, closing the front door. The novelty man rings bell. Reg opens the door.)

 

Johnson: Joke, sir? Guaranteed amusing. As used by the crowned heads of Europe. Has brought tears to the eyes of Royalty. 'Denmark has never laughed so much' - 'The Stage'. Nice little novelty number - 'a naughty Humphrey' - breaks the ice at parties. Put it on the table. Press the button. It vomits. Absolutely guaranteed. With refills. 'Black soap' - leave it in the bathroom, they wash their hands, real fungus grows on the fingers. Can't get it off for hours. Guaranteed to break the ice at parties. Frighten the elderly - real snakes. Comedy hernia kit. Plastic flesh wounds - just keep your friends in stitches. Guaranteed to break the ice at parties. Hours of fun with 'honeymoon delight' - empty it into their beds - real skunk juice. They won't forget their wedding night. Sticks to the skin, absolutely waterproof, guaranteed to break the ice at parties. Amuse your friends - CS gas canisters - smells, tastes and acts just like the real thing - can blind, maim or kill. Or for drinks, why not buy a 'wicked willy' with a life-size winkle - serves warm beer. Makes real ****tails. Hours of amusement. Or get the new Pooh-Pooh machine. Embarrass your guests - completely authentic sound. Or why not try a new 'naughty nighfie' - put it on and it melts - just watch their faces. Guaranteed to break the ice at naughty parties. Go on, go on.

 

Reg: What?

 

Johnson: Do the punchline.

 

Reg: What punchline?

 

Johnson: The punchline for this bit.

 

Reg: I don't know it. They didn't say anything about a punchline.

 

Johnson: Oh! Oh well in that case I'll be saying goodbye then, sir... Goodbye then, sir.

 

(He turns and walks away. Reg looks around desperately. And then runs out of the door. He runs to BBC van as Johnson walks out of piaure. Cut to cabin of BBC van with the BBC man sitting there.)

 

Reg: What's the punchline?

 

BBC Man: Punchline? I don't think there's a punchline scheduled, is there? Where are we? A week 39.4 · ·. no, it's Friday, isn't it- 39.7. Oh ... here we are. Oh! (laughs) Ha, ha, ha, very good. Ha, ha, ha, very good. What a good punchline. Pity we missed that. Still, never mind, we can always do it again. Make a series out of it. Now if you'll just sign there, I'll put this through to our contracts department and you should be heating from them in a year or two.

 

Reg: Can you give me a lift back?

 

BBC Man: Ah - can do. But won't. We were wondering if we could possibly borrow your head for a piece of animation.

 

Reg: What?

 

BBC Man: Oh jolly good. Thanks very much. You will get expenses.

 

(BBC staff set on Reg and saw his head off.

 

ANIMATION: Reg's head starts off by being thrown into picture.)

 

 

 

 

I Love Python!

[TheMadDoofer]

There was another Spanish Inquisition one where they "torture" an old lady.

 

Cardinal: Bring out. . .THE COMFY CHAIR!

 

Follower Guy: OH NO SIR! NOT THE.....COMFY CHAIR!

 

Excecutioner guy comes out, and forces the lady to sit in it.

 

Old Lady: This is a quite comfy chair.

 

Cardinal: IT HAS NO EFFECT! Bring out. . . THE FLUFFY PILLOW!

 

Follower Guy: OH NO! NOT THE . . .FLUFFY PILLOW!

 

Excecutioner guy comes out, hits the old lady with a pillow.

 

Cardinal: IT HAS NO EFFECT!

 

I forget the rest.

[Havoc Stryphe]

The Spam Skit, one of my personal favorites!

 

Customer: "What have you got?"

 

Waitress: "Eggs, baked beans and spam

Toast, eggs, baked beans and spam

eggs, sousage, spam and spam

baked beans, spam, spam and spam"

 

Customer: "Have you got anything without Spam?"

 

Waitress: "What, without spam? Why would you want that!"

 

Customer: "I don't like Spam!"

 

Waitress: "Well, we've got Eggs, toast and spam"

 

Customer: "But that's got Spam in it!"

 

Waitress: "well, not much"

 

Man on other side of diner: "I'll have your spam if you don't want it! I'm having Sousage, Spam, spam, spam and spam!"

 

Waitress: "What, and have Spam, spam, spam, spam and spam?!"

 

(SINGING HEARD)

SPAM SPAM SPAM SPAM

SPAM SPAM SPAM SPAM

Lovely SPAM wonderful SPAM

SPAM SPAM SPAM

Lovely SPAM wonderful SPA-AAA-AAA-AAA-AAA-AAAM

 

Lovely SPAM, (echo) Wondeful SPAM

Lovely SPAM (echo) Wonderful SPAM

SPAM...SPAM....SPAM...SPAM!

 

[Darth Groovy]

The sketch:

 

BARBER:

I'm a lumberjack, and I'm okay.

I sleep all night. I work all day.

 

 

MOUNTIES:

He's a lumberjack, and he's okay.

He sleeps all night and he works all day.

 

BARBER:

I cut down trees. I eat my lunch.

I go to the lavatory.

On Wednesdays I go shoppin'

And have buttered scones for tea.

 

 

MOUNTIES:

He cuts down trees. He eats his lunch.

He goes to the lavatory.

On Wednesdays he goes shopping

And has buttered scones for tea.

 

He's a lumberjack, and he's okay.

He sleeps all night and he works all day.

 

 

BARBER:

I cut down trees. I skip and jump.

I like to press wild flowers.

I put on women's clothing

And hang around in bars.

 

MOUNTIES:

He cuts down trees. He skips and jumps.

He likes to press wild flowers.

He puts on women's clothing

And hangs around in bars?!

 

He's a lumberjack, and he's okay.

He sleeps all night and he works all day.

 

BARBER:

I cut down trees. I wear high heels,

Suspendies, and a bra.

I wish I'd been a girlie,

Just like my dear Mama.

 

BARBER and MOUNTIES:

I (He) cut(s) down trees. I (He) wear(s) high heels,

Suspendies, and a bra?!

BARBER:

I wish I'd been a girlie,

Just like my dear Mama!

[Darth Groovy]

The sketch:

 

(Set: A tobacconist's shop.)

 

 

Text on screen: In 1970, the British Empire lay in ruins, and foreign nationalists frequented the streets - many of them Hungarians (not the streets - the foreign nationals). Anyway, many of these Hungarians went into tobacconist's shops to buy cigarettes....

 

 

A Hungarian tourist approaches the clerk. The tourist is reading haltingly from a phrase book.

 

Hungarian: I will not buy this record, it is scratched.

 

Clerk: Sorry?

 

Hungarian: I will not buy this record, it is scratched.

 

Clerk: Uh, no, no, no. This is a tobacconist's.

 

Hungarian: Ah! I will not buy this *tobacconist's*, it is scratched.

 

Clerk: No, no, no, no. Tobacco...um...cigarettes (holds up a pack).

 

Hungarian: Ya! See-gar-ets! Ya! Uh...My hovercraft is full of eels.

 

 

 

Clerk: Sorry?

 

Hungarian: My hovercraft (pantomimes puffing a cigarette)...is full of eels

 

(pretends to strike a match).

 

Clerk: Ahh, matches!

 

Hungarian: Ya! Ya! Ya! Ya! Do you waaaaant...do you waaaaaant...to come back to my place, bouncy bouncy?

 

Clerk: Here, I don't think you're using that thing right.

 

Hungarian: You great poof.

 

Clerk: That'll be six and six, please.

 

Hungarian: If I said you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me? I...I am no longer infected.

 

Clerk: Uh, may I, uh...(takes phrase book, flips through it)...Costs six and six...ah, here we are. (speaks weird Hungarian-sounding words)

 

Hungarian punches the clerk.

 

Meanwhile, a policeman on a quiet street cups his ear as if hearing a cry of distress. He sprints for many blocks and finally enters the tobacconist's.

 

Cop: What's going on here then?

 

Hungarian: Ah. You have beautiful thighs.

 

 

 

Cop: (looks down at himself) WHAT?!?

 

Clerk: He hit me!

 

Hungarian: Drop your panties, Sir William; I cannot wait 'til lunchtime. (points at clerk)

 

Cop: RIGHT!!! (drags Hungarian away by the arm)

 

Hungarian: (indignantly) My nipples explode with delight!

 

(scene switches to a courtroom. Characters are all in powdered wigs and judicial robes, except publisher and cop.

 

Cast:

 

Judge: Terry Jones

Bailiff: Eric Idle

Lawyer: John Cleese

Cop: Graham (still)

Publisher: Michael Palin

Bailiff: Call Alexander Yalt!

 

 

 

(voices sing out the name several times)

 

Judge: Oh, shut up!

 

Bailiff: (to publisher) You are Alexander Yalt?

 

Publisher: (in a sing-songy voice) Oh, I am.

 

 

 

Bailiff: Skip the impersonations. You are Alexander Yalt?

 

Publisher: I am.

 

Bailiff: You are hereby charged that on the 28th day of May, 1970, you did willfully, unlawfully, and with malice aforethought, publish an alleged English-Hungarian phrase book with intent to cause a breach of the peace. How do you plead?

 

Publisher: Not guilty.

 

Bailiff: You live at 46 Horton Terrace?

 

Publisher: I do live at 46 Horton terrace.

 

Bailiff: You are the director of a publishing company?

 

Publisher: I am the director of a publishing company.

 

Bailiff: Your company publishes phrase books?

 

Publisher: My company does publish phrase books.

 

Bailiff: You did say 46 Horton Terrace, did you?

 

Publisher: Yes.

 

Bailiff: (strikes a gong) Ah! Got him!

 

(lawyer and cop applaud, laugh)

 

Judge: Get on with it, get on with it.

 

 

 

Bailiff: That's fine. On the 28th of May, you published this phrase book.

 

Publisher: I did.

 

Bailiff: I quote one example. The Hungarian phrase meaning "Can you direct me to the station?" is translated by the English phrase, "Please fondle my bum."

 

Publisher: I wish to plead incompetence.

 

Cop: (stands) Please may I ask for an adjournment, m'lord?

 

Judge: An adjournment? Certainly not!

 

(the cop sits down again, emitting perhaps the longest and loudest release of bodily gas in the history of the universe.)

 

Judge: Why on earth didn't you say WHY you wanted an adjournment?

 

Cop: I didn't know an acceptable legal phrase, m'lord.

 

(cut to ancient footage of old women applauding)

 

 

 

Judge: (banging + swinging gavel) If there's any more stock film of women applauding, I'll clear the court.

[leXX]

A man walks into an office.

 

 

 

Man: Good morning, I'd like to have an argument, please.

 

Receptionist: Certainly, sir. Have you been here before?

 

Man: No, this is my first time.

 

Receptionist: I see, well we'll see who's free at the moment.

 

Mr. Bakely's free, but he's a little bit concilliatory. No.

 

Try Mr. Barnhart, room 12.

 

Man: Thank you.

 

 

 

He enters room 12.

 

 

 

Angry man: WHADDAYOU WANT?

 

Man: Well, Well, I was told outside that...

 

Angry man: DON'T GIVE ME THAT, YOU SNOTTY-FACED EVIL PAN OF DROPPINGS!

 

Man: What?

 

A: SHUT YOUR FESTERING GOB, YOU TIT! YOUR TYPE MAKES ME PUKE! YOU VACUOUS

 

STUFFY-NOSED MALODOROUS PERVERT!!!

 

M: Yes, but I came here for an argument!!

 

A: OH! Oh! I'm sorry! This is abuse!

 

M: Oh! Oh I see!

 

A: Aha! No, you want room 12A, next door.

 

M: Oh...Sorry...

 

A: Not at all!

 

A: (under his breath) stupid git.

 

 

 

The man goes into room 12A. Another man is sitting behind a desk.

 

 

 

Man: Is this the right room for an argument?

 

Other Man:(pause) I've told you once.

 

Man: No you haven't!

 

Other Man: Yes I have.

 

M: When?

 

O: Just now.

 

M: No you didn't!

 

O: Yes I did!

 

M: You didn't!

 

O: I did!

 

M: You didn't!

 

O: I'm telling you, I did!

 

M: You didn't!

 

O: Oh I'm sorry, is this a five minute argument, or the full half hour?

 

M: Ah! (taking out his wallet and paying) Just the five minutes.

 

O: Just the five minutes. Thank you.

 

O: Anyway, I did.

 

M: You most certainly did not!

 

O: Now let's get one thing perfectly clear: I most definitely told you!

 

M: Oh no you didn't!

 

O: Oh yes I did!

 

M: Oh no you didn't!

 

O: Oh yes I did!

 

M: Oh no you didn't!

 

O: Oh yes I did!

 

M: Oh no you didn't!

 

O: Oh yes I did!

 

M: Oh no you didn't!

 

O: Oh yes I did!

 

M: Oh no you didn't!

 

O: Oh yes I did!

 

M: No you DIDN'T!

 

O: Oh yes I did!

 

M: No you DIDN'T!

 

O: Oh yes I did!

 

M: No you DIDN'T!

 

O: Oh yes I did!

 

M: Oh look, this isn't an argument!

 

 

 

(pause)

 

 

 

O: Yes it is!

 

M: No it isn't!

 

 

 

(pause)

 

 

 

M: It's just contradiction!

 

O: No it isn't!

 

M: It IS!

 

O: It is NOT!

 

M: You just contradicted me!

 

O: No I didn't!

 

M: You DID!

 

O: No no no!

 

M: You did just then!

 

O: Nonsense!

 

M: (exasperated) Oh, this is futile!!

 

(pause)

 

O: No it isn't!

 

M: Yes it is!

 

(pause)

 

M: I came here for a good argument!

 

O: AH, no you didn't, you came here for an argument!

 

M: An argument isn't just contradiction.

 

O: Well! it CAN be!

 

M: No it can't!

 

M: An argument is a connected series of statement intended to establish a

 

proposition.

 

O: No it isn't!

 

M: Yes it is! 'tisn't just contradiction.

 

O: Look, if I *argue* with you, I must take up a contrary position!

 

M: Yes but it isn't just saying "no it isn't".

 

O: Yes it is!

 

M: No it isn't!

 

O: Yes it is!

 

M: No it isn't!

 

O: Yes it is!

 

M: No it ISN'T! Argument is an intellectual process. Contradiction is just

 

the automatic gainsaying of anything the other person says.

 

O: It is NOT!

 

M: It is!

 

O: Not at all!

 

M: It is!

 

 

 

The Arguer hits a bell on his desk and stops.

 

 

 

O: Thank you, that's it.

 

M: (stunned) What?

 

O: That's it. Good morning.

 

M: But I was just getting interested!

 

O: I'm sorry, the five minutes is up.

 

M: That was never five minutes!!

 

O: I'm afraid it was.

 

M: (leading on) No it wasn't.....

 

O: I'm sorry, I'm not allowed to argue any more.

 

M: WHAT??

 

O: If you want me to go on arguing, you'll have to pay for another five

 

minutes.

 

M: But that was never five minutes just now!

 

Oh Come on!

 

Oh this is...

 

This is ridiculous!

 

O: I told you...

 

I told you, I'm not allowed to argue unless you PAY!

 

M: Oh all right. (takes out his wallet and pays again.) There you are.

 

O: Thank you.

 

M: (clears throat) Well...

 

O: Well WHAT?

 

M: That was never five minutes just now.

 

O: I told you, I'm not allowed to argue unless you've paid!

 

M: Well I just paid!

 

O: No you didn't!

 

M: I DID!!!

 

O: YOU didn't!

 

M: I DID!!!

 

O: YOU didn't!

 

M: I DID!!!

 

O: YOU didn't!

 

M: I DID!!!

 

O: YOU didn't!

 

M: I-dbct-fd-tq! I don't want to argue about it!

 

O: Well I'm very sorry but you didn't pay!

 

M: Ah hah! Well if I didn't pay, why are you arguing??? Ah HAAAAAAHHH!

 

Gotcha!

 

O: No you haven't!

 

M: Yes I have!

 

If you're arguing, I must have paid.

 

O: Not necessarily.

 

I *could* be arguing in my spare time.

 

M: I've had enough of this!

 

O: No you haven't.

 

(door slam)

[MaulerZ]

Monty Phython Action Figs going for $150.00+

Lumber Jack song

[Darth Groovy]

Originally posted by MaulerZ13

Monty Phython Action Figs going for $150.00+

Lumber Jack song

 

What company is manufacturing those? Those wonderful toys?

[Darth Groovy]

 

The sketch:

 

Man: 'Evening, squire!

Squire: (stiffly) Good evening.

 

Man: Is, uh,...Is your wife a goer, eh? Know whatahmean, know whatahmean, nudge nudge, know whatahmean, say no more?

 

Squire: I, uh, I beg your pardon?

 

Man: Your, uh, your wife, does she go, eh, does she go, eh?

 

 

 

Squire: (flustered) Well, she sometimes "goes", yes.

 

Man: Aaaaaaaah bet she does, I bet she does, say no more, say no more, knowwhatahmean, nudge nudge?

 

Squire: (confused) I'm afraid I don't quite follow you.

 

Man: Follow me. Follow me. That's good, that's good! A nod's as good as a wink to a blind bat!

 

Squire: Are you, uh,...are you selling something?

 

Man: SELLING! Very good, very good! Ay? Ay? Ay? (pause) Oooh! Ya wicked Ay! Wicked Ay! Oooh hooh! Say No MORE!

 

 

 

Squire: Well, I, uh....

 

Man: Is, your uh, is your wife a sport, ay?

 

Squire: Um, she likes sport, yes!

 

Man: I bet she does, I bet she does!

 

Squire: As a matter of fact she's very fond of cricket.

 

Man: 'Oo isn't? Likes games, eh? Knew she would. Likes games, eh? She's been around a bit, been around?

 

Squire: She has traveled, yes. She's from Scarsdale. (pause)

 

Man: SAY NO MORE!!

 

Man: Scarsdale, saynomore, saynomore, saynomore, squire!

 

Squire: I wasn't going to!

 

Man: Oh! Well, never mind. Dib dib? Is your uh, is your wife interested in....photography, ay? "Photographs, ay", he asked him knowlingly?

 

Squire: Photography?

 

Man: Snap snap, grin grin, wink wink, nudge nudge, say no more?

 

Squire: Holiday snaps, eh?

 

Man: They could be, they could be taken on holiday. Candid, you know, CANDID photography?

 

Squire: No, no I'm afraid we don't have a camera.

 

Man: Oh. (leeringly) Still, mooooooh, ay? Mwoohohohohoo, ay? Hohohohohoho, ay?

 

Squire: Look... are you insinuating something?

 

Man: Oh, no, no, no...yes.

 

Squire: Well?

 

Man: Well, you're a man of the world, squire.

 

Squire: Yes...

 

Man: I mean, you've been around a bit, you know, like, you've, uh.... You've "done it"....

 

Squire: What do you mean?

 

Man: Well, I mean like,....you've SLEPT, with a lady....

 

Squire: Yes....

 

Man: What's it like?

[whitedragon]

you need to call "confuse a cat"

 

i came in here for an argument. oh im sorry this is abuse

 

WAKE UP POLLY *slames parrot on desk* POLLY PARROT WAKE UP *throws it on the floor*

 

noone expects the spanish inquasition

[Darth Slayne]

He was not in the least bit scared,

to be killed in nasty ways,

nor to have his eyes gouged out,

and his elbows broken.

to have his knee caps split,

and his body burned away,

and his limbs all hacked and mangled,

brave sir Robin!

 

 

Cant remeber the rest......

[MaulerZ]

Originally posted by Darth Groovy

 

What company is manufacturing those? Those wonderful toys?

 

You know what im not really sure....sorry they are really nice toys tho.....you can put that on your site if ya want....

[Nebelwerfer_]

Father to his kids: "Children, the lords blessed us so many times, we're going to have to sell one of you"

 

then they start singing the sperm song.... funny funny funny!

 

 

 

 

 

Protestant man: "That catholic cant use birth control, so they have a kid every time they have sex"

 

protestan man's wife: "well we have two kids and we've had sex twice"

[Darth Groovy]

Originally posted by MaulerZ13

 

You know what im not really sure....sorry they are really nice toys tho.....you can put that on your site if ya want....

 

I already got a link to that photo. Do you want to do the review? We should make this happen!

 

 

And now for something Completely Different.............

[Darth Groovy]

The sketch:

 

(Elderly couple, Mr A and Mrs B are staring through french windows at a cat that is sitting in the middle of their lawn motionless and facing away from them. A car is heard drawing up.)

Mr A: Oh good, that'll be the Vet, dear.

 

Mrs B: I'd better go and let him in.

 

(Mrs B: goes out and comes back into the room with the Vet)

 

Mrs B: (stage whisper) It's the Vet, dear.

 

Mr A: Oh very glad indeed you could come round, sir.

 

Vet: Not at all. Now what seems to be the problem? You can tell me - I'm a Vet, you know.

 

Mrs B: See! Tell him, dear.

 

Mr A: Well...

 

Mrs B: It's our cat. He doesn't do anything. He just sits out there on the lawn.

 

Vet: Is he ... dead?

 

Mr A: Oh, no!

 

Vet: (to camera dramaticaly) Thank God for that. For one ghastly moment I thought I was... too late. If only more people would call in the nick of time.

 

Mrs B: He just sits there, all day and every day.

 

Mr A: And at night.

 

Mrs B: Sh! Almost motionless. We have to take his food out to him.

 

Mr A: And his milk.

 

Mrs B: Sh! He doesn't do anything. He just sits there.

 

Vet: Are you at your wits' end?

 

Mrs B: Definitely, yes.

 

Vet: Hm. I see. Well I think I may be able to help you. You see ... (he goes over to armchair, puts on spectcles, sits, crosses legs and puts finger tips together)... your cat is suffering from what we Vets haven't found a word for. His condition is typified by total physical inertia, absence of interest in its ambience - what we Vets call environment - failure to respond to the conventional external stimuli - a ball of string, a nice juicy mouse, a bird. To be blunt, your cat is in a rut. It's the old stockbroker syndrome, the suburban fin de siècle ennui, angst, weltschmertz, call it what you will.

 

Mrs B: Moping.

 

Vet: In a way, in a way ... hum ... moping, I must remember that. Now, what's to be done? Tell me sir, have you confused your cat recenty?

 

Mr A: Well we ...

 

Mrs B: Sh! No.

 

Vet: Yes ... well I think I can definitely say that your cat badly needs to be confused.

 

Mrs B: What?

 

Mr A:Sh! What?

 

Vet: Confused. To shake it out of its state of complacency. I'm afraid I'm not personally qualified to confuse cats, but I can recommend an extremely good service. Here is their card.

 

Mrs B: (reading card) Oooh. 'Confuse-a-Cat Limited'.

 

Mr A: 'Confuse-a-Cat Limited'.'

 

Mrs B: Oh.

 

(Cut to large van arriving. On one side is a large sign readling 'Confuse-a-Cat Limited: Europe's leading cat-confusing service. By appointment to...' and a crest. Several people get out of the van, dressed in white coats, with peaked caps and insignia. One of them has a sergeant's stripes.)

 

Sergeant: Squad! Eyes front! Stand at ease. Cat confusers ...shun!

 

(From a following car a general alights.)

 

General: Well men, we've got a pretty difficult cat to confuse today so let's get straight on with it. Jolly good. Thank you sergeant.

 

Sergeant: Confusers attend to the van and fetch out... wait for it... fetch out the funny things. (the men unload the van) Move, move, move. One, two, one, two, get those funny things off.

 

(The workmen are completing the erection of a proscenium with curtains in front of the still immobile cat. A and B watch with awe. The arrangements are completed. All stand ready.)

 

Sergeant: Stage ready for confusing, sir!

 

General: Very good. Carry on, sergeant.

 

Sergeant: Left turn, double march!

 

General: Right men, confuse the ... cat!

 

(Drum roll and cymbals. The curtains draw back and an amazing show takes place, using various tricks: locked camera, fast motion, jerky motion, jump cuts, some pixilated motion etc. Long John Silver walks to front of stage.)

 

Long John Silver: My lords, ladies and Gedderbong.

 

(Long.Tohn Silver disappears. A pause. Two boxers appear. they circle each other. On one's head a bowler hat appears, vanishes. On the other's a sterve-pipe hat appears. On thefirst's head afiz. The stove-pipe hat becomes a stetson. The fez becomes a cardinal's hat. The stetson becomes a wimple. Then the cardinal's hat and the wimple vanish. One of the boxers becomes Napoleon and the other boxer is astonished. Napoleon punches the boxer with the hand inside his jacket. The boxer falls, stunned. Horizontally he shoots off stage. Shot of cat, watching unimpressed. Napoleon does one-legged pixilated dance across stage and off, immediately reappearinng on other side of stage doing same dance in same direction. He reaches the other side, but is halted by a traffic policeman. The policeman beckons onto the stage a man in a penguin skin on a pogostick. The penguin gets halfway across and then turns into adustbin. Napoleon hops off stage. Policeman goes to dustbin, opens it and Napoleon gets out. Shot of cat, still unmoved. A nude man with a towel round his waist gets out of the dustbin. Napoleon points at ground. A chair appears where he points. The nude man gets on to the chair, jumps in the air and vanishes. Then Napoleon points to ground by him and a small cannon appears. Napoleon fires cannon and the policeman disappears. The man with the towel round his waist gets out of the dustbin and is chased off stage by the penguin on the pogostick. A sedan chair is carried on stage by two chefs. The man with the towel gets out and the penguin appears from the dustbin and chases him off. Napoleon points to sedan chair and it changes into dustbin. Man in towel runs back on to stage and jumps in dustbin. He looks out and the penguin appears from the other dustbin and hits him on the head with a raw chicken. Shot of cat still unimpressed. Napoleon, the man with the towel round his waist, the policeman, a boxer, and a chef suddenly appear standing in a line, and take a bow. They immediately change positions and take another bow. The penguin appears at the end of the line with a puffof smoke. Each one in turn jumps in the air and vanishes. Shot of passive cat.)

 

(Cut to Mr A and Mrs B watching with the general.)

 

General: I hope to God it works. Anyway, we shall know any minute now.

 

(After a pause, the cat gets up and walks into the house. Mr A and Mrs B are overcome with joy.)

 

Mrs B: I can't believe it.

 

Mr A: Neither can I. It's just like the old days.

 

Mrs B: Then he's cured. Oh thank you, general.

 

Mr A: What can we ever do to repay you?

 

General: No need to, sir. It's all in a day's work for Confuse-a-Cat.

 

(Picture freezes and over still of general's face are supera'reposed the words 'Confuse-a-Cat Limited'. Dramatic music. The words start to roll, like ordinary credits but read.')

 

 

CONFUSE-A-CAT LIMITED

INCORPORATING

AMAZE-A-VOLE LTD

STUN-A-STOAT LTD

PUZZLE-A-PUMA LTD

STARTLE-A-THOMPSON'S GAZELLE LTD

BEWILDEREBEEST INC

DISTRACT-A-BEE

[Darth Groovy]

 

"It's......."