RedHawke Posted April 28, 2005 Share Posted April 28, 2005 ^^^^ Once again, proof positive you have waaaaayyyyy too much time on your hands ChAiNz! J/K! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Emperor Devon Posted April 28, 2005 Share Posted April 28, 2005 ChAiNz, you have too much free time... "These men who've come to visit today in lovely white coats to take me away!!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
stingerhs Posted April 28, 2005 Share Posted April 28, 2005 Originally posted by Emperor Devon "These men who've come to visit today in lovely white coats to take me away!!" you know, that almost reminds me of the two guys that come over to my house and take me on down to that nice cozy little room with all the padding..... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sabretooth Posted April 28, 2005 Share Posted April 28, 2005 I've seen half the jokes before. Crack me up all the time! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Emperor Devon Posted April 28, 2005 Share Posted April 28, 2005 Originally posted by stingerhs you know, that almost reminds me of the two guys that come over to my house and take me on down to that nice cozy little room with all the padding..... ...or the comftorable jacket they make (I mean, let) you wear! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ChAiNz.2da Posted April 28, 2005 Author Share Posted April 28, 2005 Originally posted by RedHawke ^^^^ Once again, proof positive you have waaaaayyyyy too much time on your hands ChAiNz! J/K! What's even better, I'm doing this at work (shhhhh)... SO, here's some more for ya'.. hehehe... ---------- Why Women Think Men Are Immature Immature 1 Immature 2 Immature 3 Immature 4 Immature 5 Immature 6 ---------- Deciphering "Performance Appraisal" Meanings Great Presentation Skills = Able to bull@#!* Good Communication Skills = Spends lots of time on phone Average Employee = Not too bright Exceptionally Well Qualified = Made no major blunders yet Work Is First Priority = Too ugly to get a date Active Socially = Drinks a lot Family Is Active Socially = Spouse drinks, too Independent Worker = Nobody knows what he/she does Quick Thinking = Offers plausible excuses Careful Thinker = Won't make a decision Aggressive = Obnoxious Uses Logic On Difficult Jobs = Gets someone else to do it Meticulous Attention To Detail = A nit picker Has Leadership Qualities = Is tall or has a loud voice Exceptionally Good Judgment = Lucky Keen Sense Of Humor = Knows a lot of dirty jokes Career Minded = Back Stabber Loyal = Can't get a job anywhere else ---------- ENJOY! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bob Lion54 Posted April 28, 2005 Share Posted April 28, 2005 Originally posted by ChAiNz.2da What's even better, I'm doing this at work (shhhhh)... SO, here's some more for ya'.. hehehe... ---------- Why Women Think Men Are Immature Immature 1 Immature 2 Immature 3 Immature 4 Immature 5 Immature 6 ---------- ..... Sorry, men, but they are right. I love the Washington Monument one! And that one guy is VERY brave to do that with a cactus!!!! Don't worry, ChAiNz, your secret is safe with me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Darth333 Posted April 28, 2005 Share Posted April 28, 2005 Originally posted by ChAiNz.2da Why Women Think Men Are Immature Immature 1 Immature 2 Immature 3 Immature 4 Immature 5 Immature 6 Good to see there is at least one man who can realize it Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tk102 Posted April 28, 2005 Share Posted April 28, 2005 I've seen a couple women in similar pictures... but they never uploaded them to the Internet. Hmm... perhaps that is the real measure of maturity. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Emperor Devon Posted April 28, 2005 Share Posted April 28, 2005 Originally posted by Darth333 Good to see there is at least one man who can realize it Have any women ever admitted they're immature? No. That's not very mature. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ChAiNz.2da Posted July 12, 2005 Author Share Posted July 12, 2005 Apparently it must've been man-bashing day at work yesterday... Yet another "gift" from the women at JTV... I think they send me stuff like this just to see my reaction... hehehe WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee. Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box. Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week. Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl. And her husband is on the back of the milk carton. WOMEN'S REVENGE "Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse. "So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked. "No," she replied, " but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally." UNDERSTANDING WOMEN (A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE) I know I'm not going to understand women. I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider. MARRIAGE SEMINAR While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication, Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor, "It is essential that husbands and wives know each other's likes and dislikes." He addressed the man, "Can you name your wife's favorite flower?" Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "It's Pillsbury, isn't it? WIFE VS. HUSBAND A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?" "Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws." W O R D S A husband read an articl e to his wife about how many words women use a day... 30,000 to a man's 15,000. The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men... The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?" CREATION A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time." The wife responded, "Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you! WHO DOES WHAT A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning. The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee." The husband said, " You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee." Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee." Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me." So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says.........."HEBREWS" THE SILENT TREATMENT A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it. The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up." Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests. God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece. Adult-ish Humor: CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter. She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife? He answers, " You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper. So, I figure if I have to roll my own .......... so does she. ( I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton! ) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bob Lion54 Posted July 12, 2005 Share Posted July 12, 2005 ^^^^^^^^^^^^^ HAHAHAHA! I am glad to see this tread back. I loved the last one. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bastila Posted July 12, 2005 Share Posted July 12, 2005 Thats is funny, and loving the photos. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Emperor Devon Posted July 12, 2005 Share Posted July 12, 2005 That's really funny! Glad to see this thread hasn't died out! By the way, ChAiNz, are most of the people who come up with these jokes women? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ChAiNz.2da Posted July 12, 2005 Author Share Posted July 12, 2005 Originally posted by Emperor Devon By the way, ChAiNz, are most of the people who come up with these jokes women? Yeah, most of them... some though are literally by a 60+ year old "dirty old man" hehehe... (he's my "hero" here at work ).. Though I'm almost positive they don't make the jokes up... probably more like... wasting time on the net in-between tasks... Kinda' like me when I'm in between Edit sessions... nothing to do but "play" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jeff Posted July 12, 2005 Share Posted July 12, 2005 Originally posted by ChAiNz.2da UNDERSTANDING WOMEN (A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE) I know I'm not going to understand women. I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider. Thats Jerry Seinfeld. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RedHawke Posted July 13, 2005 Share Posted July 13, 2005 I say again that ChAiNz has waaaaaaayyyyyy too much free time on his hands! J/K ChAiNz! I have to roll my own so does she! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jeff Posted July 15, 2005 Share Posted July 15, 2005 A few months ago, there was an opening with the CIA for an assassin. These highly classified positions are hard to fill, and there's a lot of testing and background checks involved before you can even be considered for the position. After sending some applicants through the background checks, training and testing, they narrowed the possible choices down to 2 men and a woman, but only one position was available. The day came for the final test to see which person would get the extremely secretive job. The CIA men administering the test took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances," they explained. "Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." The man got a shocked look on his face and said, "You can't be serious! I could never shoot my own wife!" "Well," says the CIA man, "you're definitely not the right man for this job then." So they bring the second man to the same door and hand him a gun. "We must know that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances," they explained to the second man. "Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." The second man looked a bit shocked, but nonetheless took the gun and went in the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes, then the door opened. The man came out of the room with tears in his eyes. "I tried to shoot her, I just couldn't pull the trigger and shoot my wife. I guess I'm not the right man for the job." "No," the CIA man replied, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home." Now they're down to the woman left to test. Again they lead her to the same door to the same room and hand her the same gun. "We must be sure that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances, this is your final test. Inside you will find your husband sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill him." The woman took the gun and opened the door. Once the door closed, the CIA heard the gun start firing. One shot after another for 13 shots. Then all hell broke loose in the room. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. This went on for several minutes, then all went quiet. The door opened slowly, and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks! I had to beat him to death with the chair!" Another one against men, but very funny still Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Shroud Posted July 15, 2005 Share Posted July 15, 2005 i just licked my elbow. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Emperor Devon Posted July 16, 2005 Share Posted July 16, 2005 Shroud, do you have to turn these discussion forums into a chat room? In case you couldn't predict it, NO ONE CARES IF YOU LICKED YOUR ELBOW. That is just spam. This is a lot like how one person said "I have a lot of friends" in a discussion about modding. I don't see why on earth you posted a completely pointless message. Is having a high post count THAT important? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ChAiNz.2da Posted July 16, 2005 Author Share Posted July 16, 2005 Originally posted by Emperor Devon Shroud, do you have to turn these discussion forums into a chat room? In case you couldn't predict it, NO ONE CARES IF YOU LICKED YOUR ELBOW. That is just spam. ermm.. I believe he's referring to the joke on page one (next to the last post) @The Shroud Either you have super joints in your shoudler, arms & elbow... or you and Gene Simmons have something in common Either way, I ain't buying it without a picture as proof Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
General Kenobi Posted July 17, 2005 Share Posted July 17, 2005 What would happen if Highlander met General Kenobi on the field of battle? This: Click Here DM Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bob Lion54 Posted July 20, 2005 Share Posted July 20, 2005 I came across this and thought you guys might enjoy it. Stupid Signs Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ChAiNz.2da Posted July 28, 2005 Author Share Posted July 28, 2005 The JTV women are happy to bring you: Why We Love Children 1. A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it was dead. "How do you know that the cat was dead?" she asked her pupil. "Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move," answered the child innocently "You did WHAT ? ! ?" the teacher exclaimed in surprise. "You know," explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst!' and it didn't move." ----------------------------- 2. A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes later....."Da-ad...." "What?" "I'm thirsty Can you bring drink of water?" "No, You had your chance. Lights out." Five minutes later: "Da-aaaad....." "WHAT?" "I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??" "I told you NO! If you ask again, I'll have to spank you!!" Five minutes later......"Daaaa-aaaad....." "WHAT!" "When you come in to spank me, can you bring a drink of water?" ----------------------------- 3. An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him, "How do you expect to get into Heaven?" The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!'" ----------------------------- 4. One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?" The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room." A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice: "The big sissy." ----------------------------- 5. It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the children's sermon. All the children were invited to come forward. One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat down, the pastor leaned over and said, "That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter Dress?" The little girl replied, directly into the pastor's clip-on microphone, "Yes, and my Mom says it's a b---- to iron." ----------------------------- 6. When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower. She said, "Mommy, you are getting fat!" I replied, "Yes, honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy." "I know," she replied, "but what's growing in your butt?" and NO, I'm not a woman, nor pregnant - ChAiNz.2da ----------------------------- 7. A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself, "Two plus five, that son of a b---- is seven. Three plus six, that son of a b---- is nine...." His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?" The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework, Mom." "And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked. "Yes," he answered. Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are you teaching my son in math?" The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition." The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a b---- is four?" After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four." ----------------------------- 8. One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, ".... and so ChickenLittle went up to the farmer and said, "The sky is falling, the sky is falling!" The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that farmer said?" One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think he said: 'Holy S---! A talking chicken!'" The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes. ----------------------------- 9. A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, "I'm Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter." Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, "I'm Jane Sugarbrown." The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said, "Aren't you Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter?" She replied, "I thought I was, but mother says I'm not." ----------------------------- 10. A little girl asked her mother, "Can I go outside and play with the boys?" Her mother replied, "No, you can't play with the boys, they're too rough." The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked, "If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?" ----------------------------- Adult-ish: 11. A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father. She stands next to the barber chair, while her dad gets his hair cut, eating a snack cake. The barber says to her, "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your Twinkie." She says, "Yes, I know, and I'm gonna get boobs too." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jeff Posted July 28, 2005 Share Posted July 28, 2005 :lol:Very Funny! I love the sky is falling/talking chicken one! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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