The Lighter Side of Life (jokes, humor, etc.)

[Rok_stoned]

^^^ ewww....

 

any ways all hail spaghetti monster! http://www.venganza.org

[Hallucination]

3 vampires walk into a bar. The first vampire tells the bartender, "Give me a glass of A positive." So the bartender pours him a tall glass of A positive. The second vampire tells the bartender, "Give me a mug of B negative." The bartender pours him a mug of B negative. The third vampire tells the bartender, "I'll have a glass of hot water." The other 2 vampires just about spit out their drinks and looked at him like he was out of his mind. "What the hell do you want a glass of hot water for?" The 3rd vampire reached into his cape, pulled out a used Kotex, and replied, "Tea Time!"

more than a little sick, but still funny.

 

Halloween Costume - IRS Agent

 

The door bell, rings, and a man answers it. Here stands this

plain but well dressed kid, saying, "Trick or Treat!"

The man asks the kids what he's dressed up like for

Halloween. The kid says, "I'm an IRS agent." Then he takes

28% of the man's candy, leaves, and doesn't say Thank You.

 

Top 10 Signs You Are Too Old to Be Trick or Treating

 

10. You get winded from knocking on the door.

 

9. You have to have another kid chew the candy for you.

 

8. You ask for high fiber candy only.

 

7. When someone drops a candy bar in your bag, you lose your balance and fall over.

 

6. People say, "Great Keith Richards mask!" and you're not wearing a mask.

 

5. When the door opens you yell, "Trick or..." and can't remember the rest.

 

4. By the end of the night, you have a bag full of restraining orders.

 

3. You have to carefully choose a costume that won't dislodge your hairpiece.

 

2. You're the only Power Ranger in the neighborhood with awalker.

 

1. You avoid going to houses where your ex-wives live.

[MdKnightR]

A cardinal runs into the Pope's quarters at the Vatican and tells him that he has some good news and some bad news. Of course, the Pope is interested in the good news, so the cardinal informs him that Jesus Christ is on the phone and wishes to talk directly to the Pope. In response, the Pope replies,"This is great news! But what's the bad news?" The cardinal responds,"He's calling collect from Salt Lake City!"

[spinkle]

apologize if this has been posted previously in another thread

 

[MdKnightR]

Does anyone here like limericks?

 

A rat ran across the mantlepiece,

and burned his can on the candle grease.

Jump back Jack and let him pass,

'cause here comes a rat with a French fried a$$.

[JediKnight707]

Jesus woman SHUT THE HELL UP

 

I praise this man I'm starting to sound like IS...

[spinkle]

STFU is an ancient vid but an absolutely classic one. but damn you jk707, i usually have to watch it fifteen times in a row if i see it once... ><

[JediKnight707]

I had already seen it before, but like you said, you just can't close the box

[JediKnight707]

Wake up

[MdKnightR]

^^^^That's just wrong!

[JediKnight707]

I thought it was pretty damn funny the dude was like crying before he was told it was his family

[General Kenobi]

Wake up

 

 

He screamed like my sister did when I decided she needed a snake in her bed for Halloween

 

That dude sounded like he was ready to start clawing through the wall...lol

 

General Kenobi

[JediKnight707]

He screamed like my sister did when I decided she needed a snake in her bed for Halloween

 

I like your style

[MdKnightR]

There was a couple who made plans to attend a costume party on Halloween, but just as it was time to get dressed to go, the wife came down with a serious headache. Not wanting to be a party-pooper, she told her husband that she was going to take some aspirin and lay down but that she wanted him to go on without her and have a good time. The husband really didn't want to go without her, but she convinced him that at least one of them should go have fun. He put on his costume and went to the party.

 

After about an hour, the wife was feeling much better so she decided to go ahead and join her husband at the party. As she was putting on her costume, a thought occurred to her that this would be the perfect opportunity to see how he acts when she is not around, so she put on a different costume and mask than the one she had planned on wearing that night.

 

When she arrived at the party, she looked around for her husband. It wasn't long before she spotted him dancing in the middle of these beautiful women dressed as vampires. He was groping and kissing them as he danced. Not liking this at all, but still wanting to see how he would react, she danced into the fray and began to grope him as well. Of course, he was responsive, but he didn't have a clue who this woman was. It wasn't long before she began putting the moves on him and she whispered in his ear to meet her upstairs. They disappeared for a very passionate encounter. When they finished, she left him at the party and rushed home.

 

Upon getting home, she quickly showered and put on her bathrobe before settling down in front of the TV to wait for him to get home. When he arrived, she asked him if he had fun at the party. He said, "Not really. About all I did was sit in the kitchen and play cards with some of my buddies." "Is that a fact?" she retorted. To which he replied, "Yeah, but I heard that the guy I loaned my costume to had a blast!"

[Hallucination]

^^Heard it before, but its still great-tacular.

[Jeff]

That is a good one MdK. Haven't heard it before either

[MdKnightR]

Here's a few more I just heard....

 

 

A guy walks into a bar and orders a drink. After a few more he needs to go to the can. He doesn't want anyone to steal his drink so he puts a sign on it saying, "I spat in this beer, do not drink!". After a few minutes he returns and there is another sign next to his beer saying, "So did I!"

 

 

 

A woman walks into a bar with her 5 pound Chihuahua and sits down next to this guy, whom she notices is feeling a little bit queasy. A few minutes go by and the guy looks at her and blows his chunks. He looks down and sees the little dog struggling in a pool of vomit and says, "Whoa, I don't remember eating that!"

 

 

 

 

Q. How will everyone remember Bill Clinton in history?

A. The President after Bush

 

 

 

 

Did you hear about the new Exorcist movie redux? The new plot has a woman paying the devil to get the priest out of her son!

 

 

A lady tells her husband that she wants to have plastic surgery to enlarge her breasts. He tells her, "Hey, you don't need surgery to do that. I know how to do it without surgery." The lady asks, "How do I do it without surgery?" He says, "Just rub toilet paper between them." Startled the lady asks, "How does that make them bigger?" "I don't know, but it sure worked for your a$$."

[RevanA4]

I told everybody microsoft was evil and they all laughed but now I have proof

 

Microsoft Nearing Completion of Death Star

 

By Avi Muchnick

 

Redmond, WA -- Microsoft announced that it will complete construction of its newest Death Star by mid October, in a press conference given Wednesday.

 

With all of humanity likely to crumple beneath the iron grip of Microsoft come October, widespread panic has ensued. More than 30 rebellion uprisings have taken place only to meet with failure at the hands of Microsoft's superior fleet.

 

"This is necessary for Earth's survival," said Bill Gates, chair and founder of Microsoft, speaking from his luxury box above the slave arena.

 

The death star, the most powerful weapon in the universe, will give Microsoft unbridled power in the realm of world domination.

 

Gates said he plans on using the death star to destroy the moon, and cease all tidal activity on Earth in an awesome display of the power Microsoft Windows XP SP1.

 

"Darkness will reign eternal," said Gates. "Society will once again know the power of the left hand of Microsoft and will tremble at the right."

 

Society is not pleased.

 

"This is the second time Microsoft has been up to no good," said Deena Williams, 17 of Massapequa, NY. "Do they think we've forgotten about their 'giant ray gun of peace and justice?'

 

Chicago resident James Fargo, 62, says that he suspects that the death star may not be all that Gates promises.

 

 

 

"I suspected something was wrong with those new rules about giving up your first born son," said Fargo.

 

"Something tells me that a giant weapon larger than Earth hovering above San Francisco can't be as good as they say it will be."

 

Microsoft insists it is. The death star will provide for the quick and economical usurpation of all world power, according to Steve Ballmer, CEO.

 

"I don't see how that could be even remotely bad for us," said Balmer.

 

Microsoft shares were up on the news.

[Kain]

~snip~

 

For Everyone

 

Let's keep the anti-gay jokes out of this thread eh?

 

In fact, let's keep the anti-"anything" (relating to religion, sexual orientation, or other 'hot-topics') out of this thread.

 

A joke is a joke, but I'm not really interested in your personal views... and besides that, these Forums aren't really the place for it either despite whatever I feel... anti-anything, jokes using deragotory terms, or whatever etc. will be deleted from this point on...

 

This only applies to subjects concerning "Hot-Topics" that inevitably cause a downfall in threads.. and only when presented in an "anti" way. I've no problem with Bashing politics, computer companies, etc... but don't make the joke if it's a clear & obvious flame that may affect members here on a personal note... use some common sense

 

- ChAiNz.2da

[Bob Lion54]

I like an escalator, cause an escalator can never break. It can only become stairs. There would never be an "escalator temporarily out of order sign," only "escalator temporarily stairs. Sorry for the convenience." - Mitch Hedberg

 

I don't have a girlfriend. I just know a girl who would be really mad if she heard me say that. - Mitch Hedberg

 

I play golf, but I'm not that good. I never got a hole in one, but I did hit a guy and thats way more satisfying. You're supposed to yell "fore" but I was too busy mumbling "there ain't no way thats going to hit him." - Mitch Hedberg

 

I like baked patatos, man. I don't have a microwave oven. It takes forever to cook a baked patato in a conventional oven. Sometimes I just throw one in there, even if I don't want one. By the time its done, who knows? - Mitch Hedberg

 

hehe, some of my favourite Mitch Hedberg jokes. RIP, thanks fot the laughs.

[RevanA4]

*revan pokes more fun at microsoft*

 

Windows 2000 Error Messages

 

The following are new Windows messages that are under consideration for the planned Windows 2000.

 

1. Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.

2. Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue.

3. Press any key to continue or any other key to quit.

4. Press any key except... no, No, NO, NOT THAT ONE!

5. Press Ctrl-Alt-Del now for IQ test.

6. Close your eyes and press escape three times.

7. Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.

8. This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another game?

9. Windows message: "Error saving file! Format drive now? (Y/Y)"

10. This is a message from God Gates: "Rebooting the world. Please log off."

11. To "shut down" your system, type "WIN."

12. COFFEE.SYS missing... Insert cup in cup holder and press any key.

13. CONGRESS.SYS corrupted... Re-boot Washington D.C? (Y/N)

14. File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)

15. Bad or missing mouse. Spank the cat? (Y/N)

16. Runtime Error 6D at 417A:32CF: Incompetent User.

17. Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)

18. WinErr 16547: LPT1 not found. Use backup. (PENCIL & PAPER.SYS)

19. User Error: Replace user.

20. Windows VirusScan 1.0 - "Windows found: Remove it? (Y/N)"

21. Welcome to Microsoft's World - Your Mortgage is Past Due...

22. If you are an artist, you should know that Bill Gates owns you and all your future creations. Doesn't it feel nice to have security?

23. Your hard drive has been scanned and all stolen software titles have been deleted.

 

 

 

If Microsoft Were Located In Georgia

 

Note: This is not typical behavior of all Southern people - do not interpret as such.

 

1. Their No. 1 product would be "Microsoft Winders".

2. Instead of an hourglass icon, you'd get an empty beer bottle.

3. Occasionally, you'd bring up a window that was covered with a Hefty bag and some duct tape.

4. Instead of "Yes", "No", or "Cancel", dialog boxes would give you the choice of "Aww-right", "Naw", or "Git".

5. Instead of "Ta-Da!", the opening sound would be "Dueling Banjos".

6. The "Recycle Bin" in Winders95 would be an outhouse.

7. Whenever you pulled up the Sound Player, you'd hear "Freebird!"

8. Instead of "Start Me Up", the Winders95 theme song would be "Boot Scootin' Boogie".

9. PowerPoint would be named "ParPawnt".

10. Instead of "VP", Microsoft big shots would be called "Cuz".

11. Hardware could be repaired using parts from an old Trans Am.

12. Four words: Daisy Duke screen saver.

13. "Well, the first thing you know old Bill's a billionaire..."

14. Flight Simulator replaced by Tractor-Pull Simulator.

15. Microsoft CEO "Billy-Bob" (a.k.a. "Bubba") Gates.

16. "ParPawnt" would have a "Pond Scum" and a "Junk Yard" presentation template.

17. One wrong turn while surfing the web would send you face to face with a 12 gauge shotgun.

18. "This computer protected by Smith and Wesson screen saver."

19. Directions to Corporate Headquarters - "Down the road just yonder".

20. Microsoft Word includes a phonetic spell checker-"Hookt on fonics werkt 4 me"

[REDJOHNNYMIKE]

IN THE NEWS TODAY....

 

In one of our previous reports, we reported an interview with Bill Gates announcing the launch of the new DeathSoft coinciding with the release of Sony's Playstation 3,

However, that information has been denied by several programmers claiming to be developing the project, when questioned further they jumped off the tall bridge, which our interview was taking place on, with large rubber bands strapped to their feet.

This event is believed to be related to the sudden mass suicide of 3 million 18-35 year olds wearing green motorcycle helmets, 300,000 left suicide notes saying "I just can't wait that long"

When questioned, A man who prefers to be known only as StNGrHs said that he just hadn't seen enough information to get all worked up about it.

 

BREAKING NEWS...

 

Several internet critics recently gave the film Serenity a better review than George Lucas' acclaimed Star Wars: Rise of the Sith, citing believable characters as a main reason for their decision,

This morning, several 911 calls from the area have been reported, upon arrival the police discovered the entire staff brutally murdered,

Crime Scene Investigators are now using a series of mannequins, laser pointers and long sticks to determine if in fact only imperial stormtroopers are so precise,

Other suspects include: A bum in a nearby alley wearing a t-shirt reading "SW PWNS SCI FI", and several deranged Aayla Secura fanboys.

 

More information as soon as more is uncovered...

[RevanA4]

I'm into making fun of microsoft today so here is another microsoft joke

 

The New Microsoft Patent

 

Subject: Microsoft Press Announcement

 

REDMOND, WA - In what CEO Bill Gates called "an unfortunate but necessary step to protect our intellectual property from theft and exploitation by competitors," the Microsoft Corporation patented the numbers one and zero Monday.

 

With the patent, Microsoft's rivals are prohibited from manufacturing or selling products containing zeroes and ones - the mathematical building blocks of all computer languages and programs - unless a royalty fee of 10 cents per-digit-used is paid to the software giant.

 

"Microsoft has been using the binary system of ones and zeroes ever since its inception in 1975," Gates told reporters. "For years, in the interest of the overall health of the computer industry, we permitted the free and unfettered use of our proprietary numeric systems. However, changing marketplace conditions and the increasingly predatory practices of certain competitors

now leave us with no choice but to seek compensation for the use of our numerals."

 

A number of major Silicon Valley players, including Apple Computer, Netscape and Sun Microsystems, said they will challenge the Microsoft patent as monopolistic and anti-competitive, claiming that the 10-cent-per-digit licensing fee would bankrupt them instantly.

 

"While, technically, Java is a complex system of algorithms used to create a platform-independent programming environment, it is, at its core, just a string of trillions of ones and zeroes," said Sun Microsystems CEO Scott McNealy, whose company created the Java programming environment used in many Internet applications. "The licensing fees we'd have to pay Microsoft every day would be approximately 327,000 times the total net worth of this company."

 

"If this patent holds up in federal court, Apple will have no choice but to convert to analog," said Apple interim CEO Steve Jobs, "and I have serious doubts whether this company would be able to remain competitive selling pedal-operated computers running software off vinyl LPs."

 

As a result of the Microsoft patent, many other companies have begun radically revising their product lines: Database manufacturer Oracle has embarked on a crash program to develop "an abacus for the next millennium."

 

Novell, whose communications and networking systems are also subject to Microsoft licensing fees, is working with top animal trainers on a chimpanzee-based message-transmission system. Hewlett-Packard is developing a revolutionary new steam-powered printer.

 

"We will vigorously enforce our patents of these numbers, as they are legally ours," Gates said. "Among Microsoft's vast historical archives are Sanskrit cuneiform tablets from 1800 B.C., clearly showing ones and a symbol known as 'sunya,' or nothing. We also own: papyrus scrolls written by Pythagoras himself in which he explains the idea of singular notation, or 'one'; early tracts by Mohammed ibn Musa al Kwarizimi explaining the concept of al-sifr, or 'the cipher'; original mathematical manuscripts by Heisenberg, Einstein and Planck; and a signed first-edition copy of Jean-Paul Sartre's "Being And Nothingness". Should the need arise, Microsoft will have no difficulty proving to the Justice Department or anyone else that we own the rights to these numbers."

 

Added Gates: "My salary also has lots of zeroes. I'm the richest man in the world." According to experts, the full ramifications of Microsoft's patenting of one and zero have yet to be realized. "Because all integers and natural numbers derive from one and zero, Microsoft may, by extension, lay claim to ownership of all mathematics and logic systems, including Euclidean geometry, pulleys and levers, gravity, and the basic Newtonian principles of motion, as well as the concepts of existence and nonexistence," Yale University theoretical mathematics professor J. Edmund Lattimore said. "In other words, pretty much everything."

 

Lattimore said that the only mathematical constructs of which Microsoft may not be able to claim ownership are infinity and transcendental numbers like pi. Microsoft lawyers are expected to file liens on infinity and pi this week.

 

Microsoft has not yet announced whether it will charge a user fee to individuals who wish to engage in such mathematically rooted motions as walking, stretching and smiling.

 

In an address beamed live to billions of people around the globe Monday, Gates expressed confidence that his company's latest move will, ultimately, benefit all humankind.

 

"Think of this as a partnership," Gates said. "Like the ones and zeroes of the binary code itself, we must all work together to make the promise of the computer revolution a reality. As the world's richest, most powerful software company, Microsoft is number one. And you, the millions of consumers who use our products, are the zeroes.

 

:lol:

[MdKnightR]

@ Kain.....HILARIOUS!

 

@ Revan the Great.....There is a desktop theme called Winders that has a hillbilly/redneck appearance and sound. I think I downloaded it from Tucows.com. It has many of the things in it that you describe as being from my home state

[Hallucination]

@Revan :rofl: