The Critic's 2 cents

[Salzella]

KOTOR III: Covenant

Salzella

 

After TSL: Revan returns with another prophesy.

 

I had a problem with the story because the author was trying to both hurry the story, and assure that we knew what we must. Characterization of Master Giano for instant was just a few lines. We get no feeling for the character. Not a major thing, I tend sometimes to create a character, plug them in like a plug an play hardware module, and go back to finish them out. There is nothing wrong with style, meter or characterization that couldn’t be fixed by editing rereading and rewriting.

 

Some problems with word usage. Wander instead of wandering, and a stilted style. Nothing that cleaning editing and polishing won’t cure. The chapters tended to be a little short as well, but that isn’t a major problem.

Thanks for the review mach I will hopefully be going back and editing, aswell as fleshing out the story more, as you said. Thanks again.

[machievelli]

Quick update for everyone. I am living in a weekly rate hotel with an automatic switchboard that will not let anyone call in, and refuses to let me dial out to an 800 number to set up the internet access on my machine. If i can get hold of a phone that does let me call out, it'll take me maybe half an hour to be back online.

 

But part of me wants to be back here at the critic gig! I picked up copies of The Phantom menance and Tales from the Mos Eisley cantina, and found myself correcting them.

 

For example, Terry brooks in TPM says the Jedi only take children up to one year old. Doug Beason, who was considered intelligent enough to be on a Presidential Committee planning an American return to the Moon and on to Mars stated that an AT-AT is 500 meters tall at the head.

 

Why does that bother me? It makes the machine taller than the empire state building

 

500 meters is over 1500 feet!

 

See. I can't stop!

[machievelli]

I appreciate your. . .honesty. And I never said Nadd was Mandalorian' date=' just the woman he hooked up with.[/quote']

 

once i am back on line, I will check it, and promise i will print an apology.

 

I know you wanted to say something else there, kid, and if you want to scream at me, contact Jae for my e-mail address and let loose.

 

But remember this... I recognize what you're doing because I have the same problem sometimes. If you don't believe me, look at Acceptance on this forum, and you'll see that I jumped the better part of one or two years without resolving problems, and Emperor Devon spotted it. That's part of the reason I haven't continued with the story. I have to come up with something to fill it in without dragging everyone along with me.

[Emperor Devon]

look at Acceptance on this forum, and you'll see that I jumped the better part of one or two years without resolving problems, and Emperor Devon spotted it. That's part of the reason I haven't continued with the story. I have to come up with something to fill it in without dragging everyone along with me.

 

There's always the ever-popular retconning. If the story's giving you that much trouble you could go back and change a few details.

[Kas'!m]

once i am back on line, I will check it, and promise i will print an apology.

 

I know you wanted to say something else there, kid, and if you want to scream at me, contact Jae for my e-mail address and let loose.

 

But remember this... I recognize what you're doing because I have the same problem sometimes. If you don't believe me, look at Acceptance on this forum, and you'll see that I jumped the better part of one or two years without resolving problems, and Emperor Devon spotted it. That's part of the reason I haven't continued with the story. I have to come up with something to fill it in without dragging everyone along with me.

 

it's ok, man. I rather someone was honest than lie about it being good. Just a few questions though. What do you mean by abrupt and harsh? And how exactly do I run forward? I know I don't write everything I plan on all the time, but could you please elaborate?

[machievelli]

it's ok' date=' man. I rather someone was honest than lie about it being good. Just a few questions though. What do you mean by abrupt and harsh? And how exactly do I run forward? I know I don't write everything I plan on all the time, but could you please elaborate?[/quote']

 

 

I'm going to have to download the story and go through it with my teaching hat on, kid. With access restricted to a library station for about an hour a day, i don't have time to do it this very minute.

[machievelli]

All right, update on the 'flying dutch-critic' (Music swells, then deflates)

 

Good news: I have a job starting on the 9th. Thanks to Clark Country, I have a place to stay as of the 6th, which is when I would have been on the street. Two weeks after that (23rd) I should get a check, which means i will be eating regularly again.

 

Bad News: The place has everything except telephone and television. I will have to wait until the first check to afford that. Sorry, but that's the best i can do.

 

However, to make up for my sameless lying down on the job, my first two columns when i return will be double columns.

 

Thanks for your patience. If the above good things had not occured, i would have been doing a Leonardo Di Caprio 'hang onto the hatch-cover and die before rescue' as of this friday.

[Emperor Devon]

However, to make up for my sameless lying down on the job, my first two columns when i return will be double columns.

 

You're not even getting paid for this, mach. That you're doing the reviews for free let alone on a frequent basis is a big enough favor as it is.

[machievelli]

You're not even getting paid for this, mach. That you're doing the reviews for free let alone on a frequent basis is a big enough favor as it is.

 

 

It may be true, but I took on this commission with the idea that I would do a specific amount of work, and real life interfered.

 

The fun part is finding out that my modem does work, it just went tits up because I couldn't get it to connect. It will now once I have a phone that will let it.

[machievelli]

Last time I'll whine (We all hope)

 

First check will be here 27th, so phone should be installed by tuesday after that at the latest. If note you can all scream along with me.

 

If you do, let's do it in harmony, K?

[machievelli]

Last time I'll whine (We all hope)

 

First check will be here 27th, so phone should be installed by tuesday after that at the latest. If note you can all scream along with me.

 

If you do, let's do it in harmony, K?

 

 

Note as of 28th: The payroll dept at work somehow ignored that I was working there. Friday rolled around and there was no check waiting. I had a horrible feeling, and checked at lunch, even though I wasn't supposed to, and as much flak as I caught for the 'lack of trust', those in the know told me if i had waited until after wouk, I would have to wait the better part of another week.

 

Instead it should be there on monday, only three days late.

 

And JM12 thinks I complain too much...

[JediMaster12]

You wound me mach. We all have our problems and I'm just glad that you have resolved yours. The bonus is that we will be able to read your near weekly critiques again sometime soon.

[machievelli]

Sorry kid, But you are the one who keeps trying to jolly me out of depressions.

 

She is right that if I looked at the bright side things would work out better, unfortunately I don't see a bright side.

 

Case in point.

 

Thanks to the timing of my check, over half of this one has to go to rent, a C note has to go to my wife who sent me an emergency care package, and 70 goes for my storage shed back in california. Out of 580 dollars, I have exactly 125 dollars for groceries until next pay day.

 

Getting a phone will cost me $80 out of that, so I have to wait until the 11th before I can pay for a phone, guys. It's either that or eat.

 

Sorry Bao Bei, like i said, I didn't see a bright side. The light at the end of the tunnel is a train going the other way at high speed.

[Jae Onasi]

I can email stories to you and post your column for you if you send it to me by email if you want to. Otherwise, don't sweat it here, mach. We're grateful for all the work you've done, and you gotta eat, simple as that. It will be a good lesson in patience for the rest of us.

[Bee Hoon]

Waiting for reviews won't kill us;) Take your time!

[machievelli]

I can email stories to you and post your column for you if you send it to me by email if you want to. Otherwise, don't sweat it here, mach. We're grateful for all the work you've done, and you gotta eat, simple as that. It will be a good lesson in patience for the rest of us.

 

 

I should have thought of that before, Jae. If you want to send me the next six in sequence, I can do that

 

I think the only one really frustrated by the entire situation is me. But I'm whining more than all of you put together to make up for it.

 

So while it sounds like I'm attacking people, JM12 comes to mind, it's because I hate being frustrated, and doing this column is my idea of fun. I'm being deprived due to no fault of yours or mine, but I'm still frustrated.

 

Of course I hate the songs 'happy happy joy joy' and 'don't worry be happy' too, so you can tell what manner of monster I really am.

 

Trying to finish the next segment of 'Birth of the Republic', and cleaning up the language to continue posting Redemption at the same time. Between that having a television with exactly one rather bad channel and getting up at 4 AM every morning to go to work just adds a bit of gall to the mix.

[Jae Onasi]

I should have thought of that before, Jae. If you want to send me the next six in sequence, I can do that

I'll do that, but I may get them out of sequence accidentally....my apologies to anyone if I do.

Mach--I just sent an email with everything in the Jedi Archives since your last review with one exception. Let me know if there are any problems.

 

Of course I hate the songs 'happy happy joy joy' and 'don't worry be happy' too, so you can tell what manner of monster I really am.

 

Those 2 songs make me want to go postal, preferably on the singers/songwriters of those 2 songs.

[machievelli]

I'll do that, but I may get them out of sequence accidentally....my apologies to anyone if I do.

Mach--I just sent an email with everything in the Jedi Archives since your last review with one exception. Let me know if there are any problems.

 

 

 

Those 2 songs make me want to go postal, preferably on the singers/songwriters of those 2 songs.

 

 

If they're out of sequence, sobeit. I will deal with that when I recieve it. As for the songs in question, my reaction would have parralelled Ren from Ren and Stimpy if someone started signing it within reach of my hands.

[Jae Onasi]

Note by Jae: machievelli sent this, and I'll add in the relevant links as I go along, but I thought you wouldn't want to wait to see the reviews.

 

machievelli says:

 

May 11 hopefully

The situation is like being stuck in movie quicksand. My landlord is

demanding that I pay my rent in one lump sum, when that means the belt

gets tightened on me, not him. Considering moving if A: I can qualify,

and B: don’t have to beggar myself to do so. The primary advantages

of the other place, is a phone and TV installed (I have been watching one

channel occasionally. Since it is the ONLY channel I get) and it’s

about a C note cheaper. All of you older people are saying ‘maybe he

should’, and the younger are saying, ‘so?’

 

Well a C note is 100 bucks or 13 hours of work before taxes. Try to

convince your parents to just give it to you. Let me know when they

stop screaming.

 

Thanks to Jae Onasi, we have a pile of stuff from the Jedi Archives. I

am going tro send her the compiled copies of my archived articles with

instructions how to winnow through the Coruscant Entertainment Center

so next week’s will hopefully be just from there.

 

The Fight is Over by Darth Saruman

 

Alternate Universe: Emperor Darth Vader gains a new apprentice, and

sends him on a very important mission…

 

 

First, I have always hated the idea that someone is just going to fall

all over themselves to go to the dark side. Vos’s volte face from

Jedi to Sith was as unbelievable to me as Anakin’s in Revenge of the Sith

even if Anakin had better reasons.

 

Language usage, it is 'their pilots', not 'there pilots'. A minor thing easily

corrected.

 

 

The Fight is Over by Darth Saruman

 

Alternate Universe: Asajj Ventress meets Darth Vader for a surprise

offer.

 

Language usage. You have Anakin/vader using modern contractions, which

I have not noticed in his speech in the movies. If I am in correct

about that please let me know.

 

As for the allies, you didn’t give us enough information about them.

Yuuzun Vong? Rakata? Ss-rusk? It left me wondering who they were.

 

 

I have passed Topsite’s poem A Marriage Proposal because I don’t

feel qualified to critique the work.

 

The Unforgiven by AkumaSF

 

Based on a song by the same name: Revan’s youth is explored.

 

The basic premise bothers me only in that Revan is just as violent as

Anakin, and the violence is not as readily concealed or explained. The

idea that the Jedi would ignore mass murder is disturbing to me.

 

Language usage: 'Making', not 'makin'; 'tools', not 'tolls'. Some other

spelling errors, but nothing that cannot be repaired by editing.

 

The Hardest Thing by JediMaster12

 

As much as I want to critique this work, I was the beta reader, so I

must decline the honor. There is part of my work here, and assisting

someone in editing their work marks it. But I enjoyed the basic story,

and hope you will as well.

 

 

Love's Treachery by Jae Onasi

 

Before KOTOR: Jolee’s parting with his wife.

 

 

The basic story is good, the timing of the situation perfect

considering Jolee’s age, and readily explains his estrangement from

the order. Very well done.

 

I was asked by Jae for a more full critique, and I will do it now. The

story flows well, and needs only some basic editing to clean it up.

The premise as I said above is good, and there is little or nothing

wrong with it.

 

Fade to Black by AkumaSF

 

After TSL: The exile makes a fateful decision.

 

The story is poignant and rather sad really. The depression of being

abandoned by every friend pulls at the heart. His decision of how to

deal with it was a bit surprising, but still well done.

 

My biggest problem is the entire vignette is a bit too short and

abrupt for me.

 

 

Beneath The Surface by Emperor Devon

 

Before KOTOR: A look beneath Rrevan’s mask, and how Saul was

suborned.

The scene is well laid out and explained, the seduction of Saul

Karath excellent.

 

Problem: A coup by definition depends on a rapid decapitating strike

which removes your opponents, and holding power long enough for things

to settle down. While Revan’s attack could be defined as a

‘rebellion’ it wasn’t done correctly and efficiently enough to be called a coup.

 

I assume from the capability Revan showed in beating the Republic so

handily for three years, if he (Or she) had plotted a coup, the Jedi

Civil war would never have occurred.

[Diego Varen]

I'm slightly disappointed that my poem wasn't reviewed, but I'm okay if it isn't your area of experties. Besides, I'm glad to see some reviews again.

[Emperor Devon]

Problem: A coup by definition depends on a rapid decapitating strike which removes your opponents, and holding power long enough for things

to settle down. While Revan’s attack could be defined as a ‘rebellion’ it wasn’t done correctly and efficiently enough to be called a coup.

 

I actually think Revan had been plotting a coup at the start of the Jedi Civil War. The first planet he attacked was Foerost, which is practically next door to Coruscant. With the fleet he brought there and the other one he stole from the shipyards at Foerost, he would've had quite a bit of firepower and been only one or two hyperspace jumps away from it. Something must have come up to prevent him from attacking it, but it was too good an opportunity for him to pass up. By technicality, I think, he intended a coup. (Though I probably should've mentioned this someplace...)

 

Thanks for the reviews, btw. I appreciate you doing them despite how stressful your life sounds.

[machievelli]

I actually think Revan had been plotting a coup at the start of the Jedi Civil War. The first planet he attacked was Foerost, which is practically next door to Coruscant. With the fleet he brought there and the other one he stole from the shipyards at Foerost, he would've had quite a bit of firepower and been only one or two hyperspace jumps away from it. Something must have come up to prevent him from attacking it, but it was too good an opportunity for him to pass up. By technicality, I think, he intended a coup. (Though I probably should've mentioned this someplace...)

 

Thanks for the reviews, btw. I appreciate you doing them despite how stressful your life sounds.

 

 

The reason I commented negatively on the coup idea was this;

 

All Revan would have needed to do is what is going to happen in my The Birth of the Republic. You have a ship land on the Senate building while they are in session, blow it to hell. Have Revan 'arriving' as it happens, seize power immediate restore order, and have the people proclaim him/her leader.

 

That is how a coup operates.

 

With a third of the fleet directly under Revan's command, and the remainder still probably in the hands of people who would at least hesitate before fighting, it could have worked.

 

That is why the deposing of Somoza in the 70s (24 hours from when they attacked to Somoza dead and a new government installed was a coup, but the long drawn out two and a half month paroxysm of the Winter rebellion in Russia in 1917 was a revolt.

 

Oh everyone is going to love this. Jae suggested in a PM two months ago that I go out and get a wi fi card. I didn't earlier I wasn't sure enough about my finances.

 

The week of the 2nd of April, before I finally had a job, I had the software to download people PC on my computer, I was stopped because I didn't have a bank account, so i didn't have a way to pay to activate it.

 

On the 9th of that month, I finally had a job, but I now lived in a place with no phone connection. I finally get my first check, but don't have enough to get a land line. But someone else again suggests I get a wi fi card.

 

Okay, not I finally have the money and an ATM I can activate it. The card works great, except for one thing...

 

I have to use a landline to call in to activate my isp, and what did I just say I don't have in my place?

 

Where i come from, this would be a bad farcical scene on a situation comedy.

 

A pity I'm in it...

[JediMaster12]

Things will get better mach. As to the review, it's ok. At least you acknowledged it. I should point out that it is my first attempt at a songfic and it was just one of those days when I had to get the idea out of my brain. Keep a stiff upper lip mach.

[machievelli]

Things will get better mach. As to the review, it's ok. At least you acknowledged it. I should point out that it is my first attempt at a songfic and it was just one of those days when I had to get the idea out of my brain. Keep a stiff upper lip mach.

 

If I had not been asked to beat read and made suggestions, I would have revieweed it, and as it stood, I would have rated it high. Don't sell yourself short.

 

For all ofr those who know me ore think you know me, I would like you all together to repeat, with a slight variance, the words of Howard the Duck when is pretending to read someone's mind. 'They know I'm a flake, they know I'm a yoyo'.

 

I was venting plasma over everyone because I had gotten the bloody wi fi card and it wouldn't work. As I was doing this, consider...

 

Had I changed my setup to include using a LAN?

 

Of course not. Until I finally rigged it up, I didn't even know a LAN and a 'wireless connectrion' were the same.

 

Worse yet, my days off are now Tuesday and Wedensday, and I don't get home until about 7PM. So i wasted two DAYS I could have been using to get back into harness.

 

So, I apologize that my column for this week might be either delayed or non-existant. But by all the gods of everyone at this site, and the Force itself, I will not miss the next one!

[machievelli]

All right everyone, here's the situation. As I mentionede earlier, I have Wifi now, and that means I can get online.

 

Problem is, I have maybe an hour and a half a day except for friday saturday and sunday, because I have to walk six blocks fartrher and pay about five dollars to have access. After all, you go to a resteraunt or bar with wifi, they would expect you to buy something, right?

 

The only days I can do more are monday and tuesday, when I have the full day.

So tomorrow (Yep, monday) I will spend the day putting together a dozen of your works from CEC. I will do the same for KFM, and each will be posted separately on Thursday. I will do this until the 2nd week of June, since I am that far behind.

 

Again, sorry for the delay, but real life decided to bite down hard...