Tysyacha Posted June 5, 2007 Share Posted June 5, 2007 My name is Nord. Calo Nord, to be exact, which is what you'll never find out if you're stupid enough to try to talk to me. Here's what happens if you do: "One." Some thug Rodian and his pal were trying to strike up a conversation. "One?" hissed the snout-nosed fool. "What is that supposed to mean?" "Two." Some people, and some aliens, just don't know when to shut up. "Why are you counting? Are you trying to figure out how many of us are against you?" laughed the Rodian's sniveling little chum. I pulled a thermal detonator out of my pack. "Three." I placed the detonator on the floor and set it. A flash of white. Good riddance. Even Bendak Starkiller, a kriffing Mandalorian, knows when to keep his mouth shut. He's a duelist and bounty hunter, another "friend" I hate. Now that you know how nicely I play with strangers, I'll tell you how it is. There's this girl, Bastila. She's a Jedi, and not a bad piece of work, if I do say so myself. My job's to hunt her down and bring her to my master, Malak. Lord Malak, he likes to be called, since he's a Sith, but I don't go for titles. I go for action and credits, and Lord Malak has wiped a whole planet off the face of the galaxy. Taris was a cesspit, but, hey, it was home. Bastila escaped... ...and how, I hate to tell. Humiliating incident, that was. There should have been no kriffing way I got off Taris alive, but I did through some miracle of physics or science or all that rot. Here's what happened. This spy that Davik Kang, a Taris crime lord, had taken into his compound to "check out" had the honorable mission of stealing Davik's flagship. The Ebon Hawk was a vessel worth the price in bodies and in coin, so I can see why the spy wanted it. I wasn't about to let him have it, though. Him or Bastila, or that Mandalorian. The other Mandalorian, you fool. Not Bendak Starkiller. Heck, I'd never let that armored piece of Hutt slime aboard the Hawk if he paid me a million credits. The Mandalorian I'm talking about was some flunkie of Kang's who somehow flipped over to the other side--the spy's side. Hmph. Traitor. Anyway, Malak and his Sith were starting to blow up the planet, and this spy and his pals, Bastila included, were there to make sure no one got off Taris alive. Not even me. Some rafter beam cold-clocked me in the head and broke my bounty hunter goggles, my collarbone, my nose, my jaw--You get the idea. The spy left me for dead, but Calo Nord doesn't die until he's offed his mark. I don't know how I got off Taris--did Malak rescue me? It's all hazy... The next thing you know, I'm on Tatooine stepping in bantha poodoo. Stupid stuff ruins my boots. I'm also dodging attacks from Sand People and trying not to tick off the Jawas and the Czerka drones trying to farm a profit from all this sand. Why anyone would travel here, let alone the spy I met, is beyond me. All I know is that he's here, and I'm not about to let him and Bastila get away again. I've got a reputation to protect, and a new set of goggles. Oh--he's killed a krayt dragon. Good for him. Now I've got hunting to do. "Good afternoon," says the spy like a fool. Wish I had another detonator. Bastila's with him. Gotta remember to take her alive. Very critical, this part. I hoist my blaster onto my right shoulder and start firing. Good thing it's more like a cannon than a regular bla-AAAST IT! AGGH! UGGH! OWWW! SHEEZ! Good afternoon. My name is Dead. Calo Dead, to be exact, which is what you would've found out if you caught sight of me before my corpse disappeared... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Emperor Devon Posted June 26, 2007 Share Posted June 26, 2007 Lawlz. Very original interpretation of the theme, Tysy. I wasn't expecting a comedy. Not much to criticize, since this one is purely humorous. I loved how much you made fun of him surviving Taris and getting a new set of goggles. Very funny, all in all! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bee Hoon Posted June 26, 2007 Share Posted June 26, 2007 Rotfl! Gotta remember to take her alive. Very critical, this part. I especially loved this line! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RC-1162 Posted June 26, 2007 Share Posted June 26, 2007 I was under the impression you'd outline your battle with Calo, but I ended up laughing when I reached the end. Nicely done Tysyacha! On a small note though, you could've mentioned Canderous' name too. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JediAthos Posted July 2, 2007 Share Posted July 2, 2007 Lol...I did say I didn't care how you did the story...very nice Tysy! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sabretooth Posted July 2, 2007 Share Posted July 2, 2007 I especially loved this line! I agree, Bee! That line was professional genius! Excellent work, Ty! I like the way you used satire in Star Wars. This is one of the best fics in the house write now. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JasraLantill Posted July 4, 2007 Share Posted July 4, 2007 Well done! I love the humorous take on such a 'serious' character. Was hoping that you would say how he got off of Taris, though it doesn't take away from the story. Very nicely done! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fredi Posted July 5, 2007 Share Posted July 5, 2007 Pretty cool....and I like the style,it's like is comming from his real mouth. Good work man. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jae Onasi Posted July 10, 2007 Share Posted July 10, 2007 You do have a witty way about you when you do your humor fics, Tysy. I enjoyed it very much. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Empress Padme Posted July 14, 2007 Share Posted July 14, 2007 I love your Calo.Witty , I love it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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