Ctrl Alt Del Posted August 30, 2008 Share Posted August 30, 2008 Question: since most of the F series is based on mythology, shouldn’t it be Midgard? Actually, the city on FF7 is indeed spelt Midgar, without the "d". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted September 1, 2008 Author Share Posted September 1, 2008 Actually, the city on FF7 is indeed spelt Midgar, without the "d". Having never played the game,. I stand corrected. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted September 5, 2008 Author Share Posted September 5, 2008 Coruscant Entertainment Center Death Incarnate RakataDark Not long after the Battle of Endor: With the Empire collapsing, a secret agent decides to tell his story. Some problems with the wrong word which would have been caught with a spell checker. The primary thing you need is editing, but who has ever escaped that with me? The basic work and story is good enough that like Mr. BFA I want more. I’ll just be a little more polite about it. The biggest problem with the work is technical rather than storyline, and it has something to do with human nature. It is also something that bothered me about the remastered issue of ROTJ with everyone celebrating the victory at Endor. Oppressive regimes do not just collapse into victory because the Boss dies. There is always that bureaucrat following orders given by a man long dead. Historically look at the Empire Of Alexander the great, which only began to collapse when four different claimants to the throne arose three years after Alexander died. The EU has the Empire still a viable threat through 17 books spanning ten years. Bounty Hunting Bally3000 Jabba’s Palace before ROTJ: a bounty hunter considers the future. Remember to edit, you used reviled instead of revealed for example. You have run on sentences and cumbersome wording. As an example, ‘She was a bounty huntress who came to tatooine to bounty hunt at the the same time I decided that I wanted to become a bounty hunter and got my first bounty from Jabba, and I have been here every since.’ which would have read better as ‘She was a bounty hunter who came to tatooine to at the same time I decided that I wanted to become a bounty hunter. I got my first bounty from Jabba, and I have been here every since‘. You see, bounty hunter is a non gender specific term and the sentence you had written had more than one subject, first Lara then the narrator. You then go on to say ‘you ever fail to impress’ implying she isn’t that good. Also you tend to forget conversation breaks. The basics are good but is the Luke our friend Skywalker in an alternate universe? We hear the name and automatically link it to ‘Skywalker, so a last name would be helpful. Last, one bounty hunter threatening Jabba is a fluke, having two in the same day would get someone killed. Welcome to the forum Rise of the Dalasians Arcesious No specific time given: The first sentient member of a new species looks at the world assuming itself superior to all. The basics are good, the introspection interesting. The design of your new species is intriguing because it has 16 limbs both internal and external skeletons, and what sounds like a triple nervous system. Dorozhka Obraztsa (The Way of the Paragon) Tysyacha Post TSL: Chapter 16 of the Vremya series, A confrontation both within and without. The story isn’t up to your usual standards because I get the feeling this was a bit rushed. The idea of just fighting Bastila would have sounded better from Rodian, just like the confession idea would have come across better from Tys. The ‘doing evil for a good cause’ stance of Bastila is so well done I am enjoying her fall. The Willow Tree Mr. BFA Non SW Fic: A girl contemplates life with her diary and a willow tree. A bit too short to set my teeth into, but good work. My only question is, why is she worrying about how bad the summer will be in January? Darth Revan, second ascension JAvatar80 KOTOR On the Rakata home world: Revan contemplates what has happened up to now, and how he’s going to put it right, dark side style. The piece is dark and foreboding, something I usually don’t like in SW, but well done. As I have commented in previous articles, everyone has a reason for going to the dark side, and without that reason it’s just nonsense. You go through it step by step, and explain those choices. Welcome to the forum, and oh, by the way JA… Pick of the Week kotorfanmedia Awakening Joysweeper KOTOR on the Endar Spire: Retelling the legend from another view point. The piece is well done, the flow superb. While this is the one scene everyone does, it is new and unique here. What I’m wondering is will these flashbacks to before she was reborn going to continue? It’s an interesting take, having an undercurrent of thoughts that the character does not show. Keep it up. Pick of the Week Stuck Moonmythology Post TSL: In Search of Revan, the Exile is found by someone else… or did she? The basic story is good, and making it a fantasy instead of an actual event was a good touch. May I Tell You I Love You? RogueLadySabyne Post TSL: Bound for the Unknown Regions, Atton has to tell her how he feels. The idea is done but not overdone here. I liked the explanation of how they feel, and how they wish they had told each other how they felt. It’s letting go. Pick of the Week. Shadows of the Past Jedi Chick TSL on Nar Shaddaa: Atton’s past come back to haunt him, and threaten his new life. The story was starting to get generic and boring, then that scene at the end jumped from the shadows and hit you right between the eyes. The back-story told us enough to almost cheer the assailant on, and having Atton kill him was just icing on the cake. Very good read. Pick of the Week. Broken Lnicol1990 TSL on Korriban: Anything made can be broken. It’s just a matter of knowing how. The scene struck me because any dungeon of any game can have that one being trapped within unable to escape. Giving him a name we’d recognize was a good touch. Everything flowed from his madness to his death to her regret. So well done I wish I could praise it enough. Pick of the Week. Irohanihoheto Neni Post TSL: She has to go, and she can only think of one way to say good bye. The song is excellent, and domo arigato for the translation. After the nonsense songs I learned as a kid as mnemonics, I’m glad other people at least try to teach kids something when they do. Like another above commented I have tried a song fic, but it’s beyond my abilities. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DeadYorick Posted September 5, 2008 Share Posted September 5, 2008 Thank you for the review. I will evaluate the criticisms and use them accordingly. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Istorian Posted September 5, 2008 Share Posted September 5, 2008 Thanks for the review mach, I'll try and fix the chapter with the landing....Happy birthday, too, although it's a bit late! |I| Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted September 12, 2008 Author Share Posted September 12, 2008 Coruscant Entertainment Center Ace's High EXzSOldier Alternate Universe during ANH at the battle of Yavin: All in all a good beginning. The only complaints I had were technical addressed below. I tagged this as a AU because the Death Star was alone at Yavin while Executor was flagship at the Battle of Endor, where she was destroyed. If she had been there the Rebels would have run. Besides the anti-fighter weapons of the ship, she herself could have easily have completed the mission of destroying the Rebel base herself. She just would not have been able to devastate the entire planet with one shot. Technical note: Read Expert Forum Post 25 regarding fighter craft unit size. 70 craft would be a wing, not a squadron. Executor in other words carries 2 fighter wings of 3 squadrons with 216 pilots. Plus 1000 meters is a kilometer, about .64 miles. While this is a good distance normally, Executor herself is 8 kilometers in length. A ship’s captain would be leery of moving this close to a battle station that large. Besides, a Tie fighter can cover the same distance in less than a second, so a close approach would not be necessary. Perevospitanie (Re-Education) Tysyacha Post TSL part 17 of Vremya series: Bastila begins her takover An interesting read. I know what you speak of Tys, Rand loathed the ‘man on the white horse’ phenomenon in history, and I for one agreed. A very good section. Pick of the week. A Soul Adrift Endorenna 8 years before the Battle of Naboo: On Ryloth a new birth may herald the future. This is an excellent first work. You and your Beta deserve commendations. The story is well laid out, the first chapter intriguing enough. Only one thing mars it. Ryloth is reportedly tidally locked, with the people living in caves along the terminator line. Welcome to the forum. Pick of the Week. Hidden Camo-Man 07 Post KOTOR: Trapped with alcohol, and angry women outside the door! You shouldn’t use things specifically linked to Earth, as in Mike’s Hard Lemonade. You also used a homonym that didn’t match. That being said I broke up laughing when I read the end. I agreed with the other reviewer; what did those colors mean? Second, was it all about the booze? Welcome to the forum. Pick of the Week Centrifuge Sabretooth Somewhere during the Game era, though it is not clear exactly when: The dissolution of A Jedi is categorized by his journal entries. An interesting piece, though I had trouble following it. The view of this person’s mind was both intriguing and disturbing. I do wonder as he did if you grow to something else or merely die. Eagle's First Flight Writer No specific section of the Game era: A pair of heroes and their sentient ship depart on their second adventure. The basic idea, as others said is a bit farfetched. Actually what I accepted was the AI creation, but the rest lagged. If I had done it, I would have had the AI stay quiet until the ship was finished, though have clues (Such as having systems that are out of calibration seem very easy to set, that kind of thing) of it’s existence. As an example I created a sentient computer in my Sci Fi Novel Odyssey where things didn’t work (They were trying to shut down an out of control reactor but the robot aboard (Which would not have the specs on the system) told them they had to wait until the reactor was back to normal output. Pick of the Week kotorfanmedia A Brief Reunion CaptainCrunch KOTOR Enroute to Tatooine: Nightmares plague our heroine… but is it nightmare or memory? The piece was a unique view of the human mind. Wondering why someone would murder a one time friend so casually makes her question not only what Revan had become, but what she will become in the fullness of time. Pick of the Week. Dark Origin: Prologue Tasca Lumina TSL on Malchor V: As the Exile faces Kreia, the others find their own levels. You forgot conversation breaks through most of it causing my reading to slow down. No biggie, a mere editing problem. The piece is good, covering everything from Mira to the Traya Core, and gives us a good insight into all of the characters. I especially loved the fight between Mical and Atton because breaking Atton free of that cycle of hate made perfect sense. Pick of the week. Cantina Scoundrel Exile Faline TSL on Nar Shaddaa: Upset by Atton’s behavior, the Exile forces him to make a move. Now she’s not sure if she regrets that or not. The scenes are stock but well handled. The end very nice. Pick of the Week A Shared Vision, Chapters 1 and 2 Drevan1138 PreKOTOR: Revan discusses who to choose as his new apprentice The story is good because we now get depth to characters that began two dimensional in KOTOR. To see both Revan and Malak as tireless defenders of the status quo makes me wonder what part of the Mandalorians wars caused their individual falls. Pick of the week. Malak's Thoughts RevanRules PreKOTOR: In the final battle, Malak remembers before the adventure began. The story is not only well worth the read, it’s great! Pick of the Week. An Exile's Lethargy Wraithfighter Post TSL: The Exile tries to leave alone, but an old man shows her the way. The story started out merely interesting. Being unable to get drunk (And the explanation for that was choice) was bad enough but a dose of Jolee on top of that along with his explanation for how prophesy works made it a riot! Pick of the Week. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JediMaster12 Posted September 12, 2008 Share Posted September 12, 2008 Hi mach nice to see you still reviewing the hell outta me Thanks for the reprise pick of A Box of Lies. That one while not overly proud of was one of my better ones. Thanks. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Endorenna Posted September 13, 2008 Share Posted September 13, 2008 Thanks for the welcome and the compliment, mach! I'll try to figure a way to edit in the correct info about Ryloth. Sorry about that! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The_Catto Posted September 14, 2008 Share Posted September 14, 2008 Thanks for Willow Tree review. I agree the first part was a bit short, but I intend to make the future additions longer. I'm in Australia so Summer normally goes from around November/December to around the February mark. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted September 14, 2008 Author Share Posted September 14, 2008 Thanks for the welcome and the compliment, mach! I'll try to figure a way to edit in the correct info about Ryloth. Sorry about that! If you check my previous reviews, the things I bang people on are technical (500 man squads? Give me a break!) Canon, logic in their work Or Earth holidays in SW without a logical premise. Compared to that the slight error you made was minor. I myself in the second of my pre SW novels did the same thing. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted September 19, 2008 Author Share Posted September 19, 2008 Coruscant Entertainment Center Flame of the Guardian JediMaster12 Spanning millennia: The birth of a sword. The piece is interesting, and while I agree that the symbolism is jarring, I like the way you carried it all the way through. The comment that it was fashioned for a warrior is redundant, since through time, swords were made for one thing, and even a presentation blade is designed to fight with at need. When given they either are for a warrior to use, or to represent the warrior within the person. All in all a very good piece of work. Welcome back. By Fate Alone Godsilly Pre PM: A young girl meets a Jedi, and receives an offer. Everything I can say to correct you on this has already been said. JM12’s comment to spell check with the computer and manually was especially well done, since it will ignore words that are spelled correctly but improperly placed or used. As Sabretooth said, not bad for half an hour. My main complaint is right out of PM though; when they were complaining about Anakin’s age (9) why would they blithely accept a girl two years older? Especially when Windu was one of the strongest negative votes. High School Melodrama!!! Tysyacha Non-SW fic: What are you willing to betray for acceptance? Having been one of those kids on the outside in school I remember what the narrator is going through. My problem was I was too stubborn to do what she did so I spent my entire time there as the ‘weirdo’ who read all the time. Pick of the week. Second Rogue, Second Hour: An EverQuest Novel (Prologue) Tysyacha Non-SW fiction set in EverQuest: Justice must be served…NOT An interesting look at the legal system of a society. While it sounds good, any harsh justice system would cause such reactions. Very well portrayed. Pick of the Week Muchenie Revanino (Revan's Anguish) Tysyacha Post TSL: Part 18 of the Vremya series, trapped with no way out. The story is becoming more and more interesting. I am anxiously awaiting the next segment. Pick of the Week Into the Present TheDarkApprentice NonSW fiction: An introduction to two of the characters There isn’t much to review yet. You do forget to manually edit. As mentioned above a spell checker ignores words spelled correctly (such as medal instead of metal). As I tell everyone, reread, edit, rewrite, repeat until smooth. Welcome to the forum. kotorfanmedia LESSON IN FEAR Codename SailorV TSL Aboard The Ebon Hawk: At what point does fear enter your life? An interesting view, and a god one. Equating fear with holding your breath, and fear with why the Jedi avoid entanglement. Well done, and while short well worth the read. Pick of the Week The Love Between a Master and Padawan RavenRand16 PreTSL to Dantooine: Spanning over a dozen years, we see the link between master and Jedi The basics are good, the story as you admitted a bit cheesey but I can live with that. You never did explain how Kavar knew the Exile before meeting her, but again, I can live with that. Lost People Elena TSL on Nar Shadaa: Contemplating life without hope. An interesting piece mainly because of the concentration on the degradation around the characters. This is something usually ignored by the authors in Star Wars, and a refreshing change. To Face Judgement RevanRules PreTSL: Judgment causes more than one parting The piece is well done, but… I’m sorry but I had to ask… War VETERINARIAN? World without Sound Katara Ironarm TSL on Telos after Peragus: What is a world without sound? The piece is a nice bit of fluff. Too short by a long shot, but well done anyway. Love is Love... Prolog Darth Zelda TSL at Malachor V: After the battle, truth is revealed. The story is good if a bit generic. Well portrayed. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted September 26, 2008 Author Share Posted September 26, 2008 And my dvd recorder is not working… Anyone interested in making discs of Clone Wars for me? Coruscant Entertainment Center Evil Transformation LordOfTheFish Before PM: A young Jedi reaches a turning point in her life. Some cumbersome sentences. As an example ‘The Jedi had a code, by which she was to always follow’ would have read better as ‘The Jedi had a code she was trained to always follow’. you also had a lot of problems with homonyms (strait as in tight, instead of straight as in direct.). These are editing problems easily corrected. The basics are good though generic. Keep it up, let’s see where it goes. Insomnia Igyman Star Wars, no specific era given: Hunted by an enigmatic spectre, a man desperately tries to stay awake. The story has a delicious shivery feel to it, making you wonder what will happen. The end is generic and expected. Second Rogue, Second Hour: Chapter I Tysyacha EverQuest: A self imposed exile finds a new life. The story is a bit confused, Tsy, primarily because it is being pushed forward rather than led. Not too bad though. Krein Ul'timatum (Kreia's Ultimatum) Tysyacha Post TSL: Chapter 19 of Vremya; The spirit a Kreia gives her student one last choice. But can Tys accept it? The story is flowing well, and the reasoning behind Kreia’s argument impeccable. Well done. Pick of the Week V Techenie Vsevo Tol'ko Vos'mi Let (For All of Eight Years Only) Tysyacha Post TSL: End of Vremya series, Tys makes her decision. The end was a little confusing for me, Tys, but it did nicely derail the problem. As for the questions, I’ll just have to wait… Only two readers? What am I, chopped liver? Star Wars: Lost Heaven RakataDark Approximately a year after TSL: Events on Manaan lead to interesting events on Coruscant. The story has some interesting points but it does drag a bit. Technical point: For someone born on a planet, it isn’t something to deal with, it’s natural. Having a Selkath deal with living on a water world is like one of us deciding that we only breath air in this specific mixture because it allows us to fit in. kotorfanmedia To Love Again Neni Post TSL: Bao Dur fights against his feelings. The piece went well, the introspection and self denial well portrayed. Haven’t seen your stuff in a while, and yes, it was worth the wait. Pick of the Week Turbo-lift Malfunction ForceHorse44 Post TSL on Nar Shaddaa: Sometimes you need a little help from your friends. An interesting piece that falls into the cracks, but amusing. Death of a Jedi BlackFox TSL After Nar Shaddaa: What will the Exile do about a man who specialized in killing Jedi? The piece is good because the subject matter is rarely explored. Anyone who has played the game knows Atton’s past. But how the Exile reacts to it is always a toss up. Does what Atton had done merit death? Pick of the Week. The Loss of Atton ForceHorse44 TSL before Malachor V: Atton reveals how he feels, causing the Exile to react. The biggest problems I had were questions about why. Why did the Exile marry in the middle of the mission? Why did she pick who she did? Why did she leave that man at the altar? A Shadow And A Thought - Introitus (Part 1) Lwilliams2186 Two Years after TSL: A rescue mission brings back both crews together. The piece has everything you need to start the new adventure; everyone getting together, a desperate mission, people dragged from normal life right down to sobering them up… Choice! Pick of the Week Same song, new verse ChicksDigPilots Some editorial complaints; forgetting ‘to’ in one sentence, cumbersome wording in some places. Both are editing problems, nothing major. Beyond that watching the collapse was very moving. Pick of the Week I've Searched the Galaxy for You Tatooine92 Post TSL: The title says it all… The work is well done, the hunt well portrayed, even the fear that it would be in vain well done. Excellent work. Pick of the Week Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DeadYorick Posted September 26, 2008 Share Posted September 26, 2008 Thank you for the review Mach. Yeah I noticed it dragged on a little when I was rereading a few of my chapters. The water planet thing was a dumb plot twist I planned to introduce later but eventually cut out. So now it looks rather stupid Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tysyacha Posted September 26, 2008 Share Posted September 26, 2008 What are you, chopped liver? Anything BUT, good sir! Rev7, my other stalwart "Vremya" reader, has already had a pivotal role in the series and will continue to be Revan in KOTOR III: The Galactic Sundering, but so far, you have not... Thus I award you the "Vremenist's Prize" for taking so much time and effort to review every single darn chapter! It's more than just a "kudos", however, for if you choose to accept it, I need--a character--in my KOTOR III fic: Would you be willing to create a character profile for the "PC"? This isn't going to be a MMOTOR story, because I honestly think the real-life MMOTOR idea is a dumb one anyway. I would be absolutely honored if I had the task of "fleshing out" a character template that you yourself created. As for the writing style of "The Galactic Sundering," I intend to write it as an alternating sort of narrative between the 3rd-person-omniscient exploits of the "PC" and his or her crewmembers and the first-person ravings of the false Jedi madwoman, Bastila. What do you say, mach? Will you be my "PC"? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted September 26, 2008 Author Share Posted September 26, 2008 Thus I award you the "Vremenist's Prize" for taking so much time and effort to review every single darn chapter! It's more than just a "kudos", however, for if you choose to accept it, I need--a character--in my KOTOR III fic: Would you be willing to create a character profile for the "PC"? This isn't going to be a MMOTOR story, because I honestly think the real-life MMOTOR idea is a dumb one anyway. I would be absolutely honored if I had the task of "fleshing out" a character template that you yourself created. As for the writing style of "The Galactic Sundering," I intend to write it as an alternating sort of narrative between the 3rd-person-omniscient exploits of the "PC" and his or her crewmembers and the first-person ravings of the false Jedi madwoman, Bastila. What do you say, mach? Will you be my "PC"? Is it a follow on to Vremya? What are you looking for in the character beyond MBM (Made By Mach)? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tysyacha Posted September 26, 2008 Share Posted September 26, 2008 Yes, it is a follow-up to Vremya, and for this character, the "new PC", the only basic thing I want from the character is that s/he is no Uberjedi at the beginning. S/he is a humble neonate, "starting at level 1" in gamespeak, whom nobody thinks has a chance to take down Bastila and her "True Jedi", let alone the True Sith. However, of course, as the character progresses through the new 20-parter, s/he "grows up" and finds that s/he may be the galaxy's last hope. I also want "the PC" to learn the ways of the Force at the rebuilt Enclave on Dantooine so Atton, Visas, et al. can make cameo appearances. Sound good? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
igyman Posted September 26, 2008 Share Posted September 26, 2008 Insomnia Igyman Star Wars, no specific era given: Hunted by an enigmatic spectre, a man desperately tries to stay awake. The story has a delicious shivery feel to it, making you wonder what will happen. The end is generic and expected. Darn. I thought the ending had a nice twist back when I was writing it, but still I do appreciate an honest opinion. Thanks for the review, mach. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted September 26, 2008 Author Share Posted September 26, 2008 Yes, it is a follow-up to Vremya, and for this character, the "new PC", the only basic thing I want from the character is that s/he is no Uberjedi at the beginning. S/he is a humble neonate, "starting at level 1" in gamespeak, whom nobody thinks has a chance to take down Bastila and her "True Jedi", let alone the True Sith. However, of course, as the character progresses through the new 20-parter, s/he "grows up" and finds that s/he may be the galaxy's last hope. I also want "the PC" to learn the ways of the Force at the rebuilt Enclave on Dantooine so Atton, Visas, et al. can make cameo appearances. Sound good? I had been considering an admixture of Breia Solo and Sienna Dodonna if you catch my drift... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted October 3, 2008 Author Share Posted October 3, 2008 Coruscant Entertainment Center The Conspiracy Revan411 Non SW: An assassination is only the beginning. The piece is short and choppy. The dialogue and action feels forced. Problems with punctuation, a lot of unnecessary periods for example. Using the wrong words (Policy officer, weather instead of whether) and forgetting conversation breaks. All of these are editing problems. Slow it down, let it flow. As for characterization, Jockum is of what division? Homicide? Organized Crime? Anti-terrorist? His place in the scheme of things is too vague. As an example of what I mean look at the movie Predator II. The main character is clearly defined not only by rank but by unit. Technical notes: While they call it a ‘sniper’ in the game, sniper is a personal noun meaning the person not the weapon. While they do make scopes up to 80x they are not what the professional chooses for an average assassination for the simple reason that the field of view is too small for rapid shots. As an example the modern Russian sniper using a Dragunov SVD has a 10 power scope, and the Marine snipers with a 700 Remington use 20 power scopes balancing field of view with accuracy. At 500 yards a man fills the smaller scope and more than half of his body in the larger. Only the .50 Caliber Barrett rifle would need something as powerful as the 80 power you describe, and it would kill you at just under a mile and a half. As a prologue it wasn’t bad, though it was too short to get a good feel for what will happen later. An Order 66 Survivor Story TriggerGod At the end of ROTS: One Jedi escapes, and begins his flight Continuity problems most of what I might have thought to write about this was covered exhaustively by Rogue Nine. While it was put a bit harshly, everything Rogue Nine said was accurate. As I have described in other reviews a story is like a river. It flows, and the smoother the flow, the better for the reader. Even when you hit white water or a waterfall, it is only a break from the steady flow, not all of it. As a first attempt it could have been better, but you did try. Welcome to the Forum. Fire Against Fire Darth Betrayal Alternate Universe 500 years after the failure of the Rebellion: Another rebellion begins. Most of the editorial comments I would have made have been. HOP JM12 and Inryi have given excellent advice. What they haven’t commented on I will: Technical: Guerilla warfare is now called Asymmetric Warfare because any such battle whether guerilla or organized unit has the same problem. A small unit will lose to a larger one merely because of numbers in most cases. When they win it is because of three things; superior weapons (The Marianas Turkey Shoot) Superior planning and tactics (Hannibal at Cannae, The Israelis in 1955, 67 and 73, the average ambush in Iraq today) or superior defenses such as fortifications (The Knights of St John at Malta). If you have any two, the numbers needed are even more skewed. Look at Desert Storm where the Allies had superior training, weapons and surprise. One unit, the 2nd Cav (A Cavalry regiment, though numbering as many as the average Brigade) ran into an Iraqi Republican Guard division (2.5 times as many men) and annihilated it for minimal losses. The 24th foot at Rourke’s Drift is an example by using superior weapons and fortifications As I mentioned in my own TSL novel Return From exile (Post 24) basic infantry tactics presupposes that one man on the defensive (Meaning not standing in the open) is equal to two advancing, and behind good cover is worth six in the open. That is why sieges always take so long; the enemy has cover that an advancing enemy does not and assuming weapons are equal, has a better chance to survive and inflict casualties. Surprise can help, but that is in the opening stages and as Clausewitz said, is in the mind of the leaders. For a few seconds the surprise will stop effective resistance, and is equal to almost doubling the force using it but again, that six to one still applies. So you have 450 men behind defenses (At least the way you have described it) against 500 with the element of surprise. If you work it out using infantry rules 450 x6= 2700 men against 500x2=1000. This is not to say it could not happen. Yet you have that greater force defeated so rapidly that they barely got any message out before all communications is lost. If they could have used jamming, it would have been more logical to do so before a message is sent. Survival Of the Jedi Knight 12617 At the end of ROTS: A young Jedi tries to escape when General Order 66 is issued. Try to avoid local slang. Remember what everyone else has said about polish and editing. Technical: You had the character commenting that he would claim his ‘batch’ of clones had been flawed. Clones are product, not considered as sentient by their creators, or for that matter the users in most cases, meaning anything specific like that (Not tall enough) would have seen them destroyed. The entire series of Clone War Republic Commando novels written by Karen Traviss were based on a bunch of kids considered suboptimal by the designers saved by pure chance and Mandalorian obstinacy. Their only problem was they were too ‘twitchy’. Survivour Knight 12617 SW 12 years after ROTS: A Jedi remembers when it all happened. A lot of others have commented, and I will let what they say stand because they have been under my pen before so they know what I would say. My suggestion is find synonyms. You used variations of deadly power three times in the same paragraph. By definition, any weapon transmits deadly power whether you’re talking about a sword (All of the body energy transmitted into an area of less than one square inch on a thrust) or an arrow or gun (several hundred foot pounds focused on a space of between .22 inch and .50 for a pistol). If this is something unique, say so. The basics are good, and survivor’s journals are always good reading. Oh, BTW, Beta means beta reader; someone to read critique and offer suggestions before posting. I am only one of those who has offered to do this for our contributors. Postroila Vnov' Tysyacha Star Wars Parody set in ROTJ: Why build it again if the first one didn‘t work? Tys I hate to say it, but my definition of worst is not yours, otherwise you would win hands down. Now if you had said the most ridiculous… kotorfanmedia Path of the Exile: Chronicles - Chapter 1 A.R.Minion TSL Aboard the Ebon Hawk: Visas wants to see so desperately. What would she see if she really looked? The story is a very well done piece of work. Short and sweet. Confessions Rainwood KOTOR on Kashyyk after the Leviathan: There is a reason for the explosion at it‘s core. As many already said, the post Leviathan period in the story is great for all of the angst it can cause. This is one of the best because you get to see the author’s Revan fall apart yet can’t explain why she does. The end is what you would expect, but even that was well done. Pick of the Week Atton's Shorts 1. The Problem With Kolto Ryusui During TSL, no specific period: Will love blossom if one of them is a Jedi? The story had some cute and intriguing questions. Since the Exile forms bonds so quickly, could it be that she is afraid of love for other reasons? Worth a read. Pick of the Week Corruption. Part 1 JediShadow TSL On Dxun: The crew decides to do what they want, even if it might bother Kreia. The writing is good, needing only more polish and description to make it work well. The primary problem I had with the piece is having it feel like a bunch of kids playing hookey with Kreia as the martinet teacher rather than a serious piece. It just rubbed me wrong, sorry. Get Well Soon: Out the Airlock Knight Pepper TSL on Dxun: Not every enemy can be fought The story is cute because you never notice anyone being cut down by the simplest of causes, disease. The idea that no one could even think of what to say about it was funny, but the allusion to that first bout of nausea was choice. Pick of the Week An Exile's Exile RevanRand16 PreKOTOR during the Mandalorian Wars: The person who would one day be the Exile accepts her first command. The basics of the story were good, the writing crisp and well done. The addition of a beta-reader is not evident, but subtly shown in the clean style. Having the Exile be a Zabrak was an interesting twist. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LordOfTheFish Posted October 4, 2008 Share Posted October 4, 2008 Before PM: A young Jedi reaches a turning point in her life. Some cumbersome sentences. As an example ‘The Jedi had a code, by which she was to always follow’ would have read better as ‘The Jedi had a code she was trained to always follow’. you also had a lot of problems with homonyms (strait as in tight, instead of straight as in direct.). These are editing problems easily corrected. The basics are good though generic. Keep it up, let’s see where it goes. Thank you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Betrayer Posted October 6, 2008 Share Posted October 6, 2008 Could you please re-review my fic, mach? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted October 9, 2008 Author Share Posted October 9, 2008 Could you please re-review my fic, mach? did you want a retrospective review (I.E., after correction) or just a pm with my new version? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Darth Kalverys Posted October 9, 2008 Share Posted October 9, 2008 Ummmm... Will you review my fic, please machievelli? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted October 10, 2008 Author Share Posted October 10, 2008 Coruscant Entertainment Center Prior to Exile Darth Yuthura Before the Mandalorian Wars: As Malak tries to gain recruits, he faces resistance from his fellow Jedi. Some cumbersome sentences, the phrase ‘blind they’ve been pledged from their followers‘. made no sense, though I caught the drift. Retaliate implies returning an injury. Since at this time the Republic has not been attacked, they would not be retaliating. It would be preemptive. It would have been better to say they had not mobilized, suggesting preparing for a war. You use the word massacre a lot, and the problem is that an occupation is not a massacre. Unless the Mandalorians are actively committing mass murder not war, it is improper usage. As an example, the Nazis did commit massacres, but the war was not one no matter how many countries they occupied. The story does have some flow problems, but that’s an editing problem. Where the statements are cumbersome, say them out loud to listen to how they sound. The basics are good. The story has an edge of the cliff feel to it. Legacy of the Jedi Rueben Shan Set 1500 years before ROTS: A young Jedi must return home after a curious summons. The story is well thought out, and flows well. Technical: The main problem I had was with one scene. Picture this: Prince Henry of England has been ordered home from Tokyo by his father. The commanding officer of the yacht in full Royal Navy uniform greets him. When asked about his accent he says he is American, and wore the Royal Navy uniform to make the Prince feel comfortable. What is wrong with this picture? It would have been better to say she was wearing a pilot’s uniform of Onderoni design, since that is more generic and does not suggest a direct military connection, since after all, you can buy a flight suit anywhere. But except for that, well done. Pick of the Week Umbral Tide: Prologue: The Stake Awaits Tysyacha NonSW: An execution is only the beginning. What can I say? Pick of the Week For Gallifrey Alkonium NSW: The Doctor gets recalled… but why? Welcome back Alkonium. The only problem with the piece is it isn’t long enough. kotorfanmedia Three Night Stand CaptainCrunch KOTOR in Davik’s stronghold: For three days Canderous and Revan have to pretend… The piece is well done, covering what is probably the most unlikely part of the game, and does it well. Pick of the Week True Allies Darth Casie TSL at Malachor V: The Exile must fight one more attack from Kreia with a little help from her friends. The script format did make it difficult to read, but the dialogue and action made up for that. Well done. The Tomb on Korriban RevanRand16 TSL: A long wait is worth it. One of the people who commented called this ’how I met your mom’ and I have to agree. The piece did have a few problems already addressed by others, but on the whole it was a bit of light fluff worth looking at. Strong Bonds Breena Quee PostTSL: On Dantooine in the ruins of the Jedi Academy, The future for the order begins. You had the wrong words sometimes. Continence (Self Restraint) instead of countenance (Facial expression) for example. The things wrong with it are easily corrected by editing and polishing. That said, the story is a jewel well worth reading. The jump from reminiscence to present were smoothly done, the story compelling. As Evil Monkey said, when is part two coming out? Pick of the Week Kotor II[Chapter 1: Revival/Awakening/Freedom] Danni Mison TSL On Peragus: A retelling of the first section of the game A good if generic retelling of the first part of the game. What it is missing is character development and emotional content. Needs polish in that regard. Ice Roses: Winter SkyePrism Post TSL: A survivor joins Revan and later the Exile in their search. The story is well done, intriguing in it’s portrayal of the main characters from outside. There is no description of Winter, but that did not detract from the rest of it. Pick of the Week To The Brink, Chapter 1 DyrraDegan TSL On Dantooine: The Exile swears vengeance by the bodies of the dead masters… The scene is compelling, and definitely not just a repeat of the scene from the game. The way it was told was smooth and crisp, and burying them as she did nicely done. Pick of the week Motivations: Meveri Delasaer Chval TSL aboard Ebon Hawk: Why did she go back? The work was well done though it needed polishing. The argument felt a bit contrived, but went well anyway. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Darth_Yuthura Posted October 10, 2008 Share Posted October 10, 2008 Coruscant Entertainment Center Prior to Exile Darth Yuthura Before the Mandalorian Wars: As Malak tries to gain recruits, he faces resistance from his fellow Jedi. Some cumbersome sentences, the phrase ‘blind they’ve been pledged from their followers‘. made no sense, though I caught the drift. Retaliate implies returning an injury. Since at this time the Republic has not been attacked, they would not be retaliating. It would be preemptive. It would have been better to say they had not mobilized, suggesting preparing for a war. You use the word massacre a lot, and the problem is that an occupation is not a massacre. Unless the Mandalorians are actively committing mass murder not war, it is improper usage. As an example, the Nazis did commit massacres, but the war was not one no matter how many countries they occupied. The story does have some flow problems, but that’s an editing problem. Where the statements are cumbersome, say them out loud to listen to how they sound. The basics are good. The story has an edge of the cliff feel to it. You are absolutely right! I never used 'preemptive' when it was EXACTLY what I needed to emphasize. I was under the impression that the Mandalorians would enslave their victims if they had not fought to the death. Juhani described her homeworld being destroyed and made it seem as though only thousands escaped death. I'm really going off that and the Mongolian Empire's tactics of razing all resistance and oppressing those who surrender without a fight. Thanks for the quick review. I had rushed this chapter and wanted to know what to correct before I did a revision. I have difficulty with starting a new fiction because I have to grab the reader's attention in the first post, but the flow suffers the more I have to say with fewer words. Would you recommend that I get the words flowing the most smoothly, or will the chapter suffer by being too long? Any other advice would be appreciated. Thanks. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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