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Monty Forums' Quest for the Holy.......Thing


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Lucas Forums 2003 AD

On the edge of a swamp, or The swamp as its known to forum goers, an Admin, by the name of Boba Rhett was striding through the wilderness. He was on a search for a group of moderators to join him on his quest to take over the castle Spamalot. He came to a small castle……

 

Castle Guard: Halt! Who Go’s There!

 

Rhett: It is I… Boba Rhett, son of Uther Pen-Windu of the castle of Administrators. An Admin of the Forums. Defeater of the Spammers, Sovereign of ALL Forums!

 

Castle Guard:….. Pull the other one!

 

Rhett: I AM!! And this is my faithful servant Patsy. We have ridden the length and breadth of the land in search of Moderators that will join me in the court of Spamalot. I must speak with your lord and master.

 

Castle Guard: What ridden….on a horse?

 

Rhett: Yes

 

Castle Guard: You’re using coconuts….

 

Rhett: What?

 

Castle Guard: You’ve got two empty halfs of coconuts and you’re banging them together.

 

Rhett: So? We have ridden since the spams of winter covered this land. Through the valley of the Jedi, Trough the sena..

 

Castle Guard: Where d’you get the coconuts?

 

Rhett: ….We found them

 

Castle Guard: Found them? In the Lucas Forums? The coconuts tropical!

 

Rhett: What do you mean?

 

Castle Guard: Well, this is a temperate zone…

 

Rhett: A Swallow may fly south with the sun, yet these are not strangers to our land.

 

Castle Guard: Are you suggesting coconuts Migrate?

 

Rhett: Not at all, they could be carried.

 

Castle Guard: What a swallow carrying a coconut?

 

Rhett: It could grip it by the husk.

 

Castle Guard: Its not a question of where it grips it, it’s a simple question of weight ratios.

 

Rhett: I don’t have time for this, come Patsy.

 

So Rhett had gained nothing, apart from the urge to search for information about swallows. He continued on his quest for loyal moderators.

 

So Rhett came to a small thread in the swamp, a sort of… going away thread….

A few members of the forums were hanging around the thread

 

There was a dong from a bell, someone was walking with a cart of people.

 

Matt Windu: Bring out ya Troll!

Dong!

Matt Windu: Bring out ya Troll!

Dong!

Matt Windu: Bring out ya troll

 

InsaneSith entered the forum with a newbie.

 

InsaneSith: Here’s one

Matt Windu: Nine-pence

Newbie: I'm not a troll

Matt Windu: what?

InsaneSith: Nothing, ‘ere’s your nine-pence.

Newbie: I'm not a troll!

Matt Windu: ‘ere, He says he’s not a troll?

InsaneSith: Yes he is

Newbie: I'm not!

Matt Windu: He isn’t

InsaneSith: Well he will be soon, he’s very new.

Newbie: I’m getting better

InsaneSith: No you’re not, you’ll be an annoying troll in a moment.

Matt Windu: I can’t take him like that, its against regulation

Newbie: I don’t want to go on the cart!

InsaneSith: Oh don’t be such a newbie

Matt Windu: I can’t take him.

Newbie: I feel fine!

InsaneSith: Aw come on, do us a favor!

Matt Windu: I can’t!

InsaneSith: well can you hang around a couple of minutes? He wont be long

Matt Windu: I’ve gotta go to the valley, they’ve had nine today

Newbie: I think I’ll go and post nice things

InsaneSith: You’re not fooling anyone you know. Look, isn’t there anything you can do

Newbie: I feel Kind, I feel Generous

 

Matt Windu had a quick look around, nobody was watching so with the click of a button the newbie was I.P. banned, and he fell into the cart. Rhett rode past with his faithful servant Patsy,

 

InsaneSith: Who’s that then?

Matt Windu: I dunno. He must be an Admin like me.

InsaneSith: Why?

Matt Windu: He hasn’t got s*** all over him.

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Rhett continued until he came to an open land, with a promising looking castle in the distance.

 

Rhett: Old Woman!

Cjais: Man!

Rhett: Man, sorry. What knight lives in that castle over there.

Cjais: I’m 37

Rhett: What?

Cjais: I’m 37 I’m not old

Rhett: Well I can’t just call you man

Cjais: You could say Denis

Rhett: Well I didn't know you were called Denis.

Cjais: Well you didn’t bother to find out did you?

Rhett: I did say sorry about the Old Woman, but your custom title is ‘Old Woman’

Cjais: What I object to is that you automatically treat me like an inferior.

Rhett: Well I am an Admin.

Cjais: Oh Admin eh, very nice and ‘ow d’you get that eh? By exploiting the swampies, by ‘anging on to out dated imperialist dogma, which perpetuates the economic and social differences in our society. If there’s ever going to be any progress ..

Wes: Cjais there’s some lovely filth down ‘ere. Ooh… how d’you do?

Rhett: How do you do good man. I am Rhett, Admin of the Lucas Forums. Who’s castle is that?

Wes: Admin of what?

Rhett: The Forums

Wes: Who are the Forums?

Rhett: Well were in one, were are all members of the Lucas Forums. And I am an Admin.

Wes: I didn’t know we had any Admins. I thought we were an autonomous collective.

Cjais: You’re foolin’ yourself. We’re livin’ in a dictatorship. We’re a self perpetuating autocracy in which the working classes.

Wes: Oh there you go, bringing class into it again.

Rhett: please

Cjais: Well that’s what its all about, if only people would

Rhett: Please good people, I am in haste. Who lives in that castle?

Wes: No one lives there.

Rhett: Then who is your Moderator?

Wes: We don’t have a moderator.

Rhett: What?

Cjais: I told you, we’re anarcho-syndicalist commune. We take it in turns to act as a sort of executive officer for the week.

Rhett: *sigh* yes….

Cjais: But all the decisions of that officer have to be ratified in a special bi-weekly meeting by a simple majority in the case of purely internal affairs ...

Rhett: Be Quiet!

Cjais: ...by an internal majority in the case of

Rhett: Be Quiet, I order you to be quiet!

Wes: Order eh, who does he think he is?

Rhett: I am an Admin

Wes: Well I didn’t vote for you

Rhett: You don’t vote for admins

Wes: Well how’d you become an Admin?

Rhett: The Lady of the Swamp, her arm clad in the purest shimmering swamp weed held aloft the Yoink Stick from the bosom of the bog. Signifying by divine province that I Boba Rhett was to carry the Yoink Stick…. THAT IS why I’m an Admin.

Cjais: Listen, strange women lying in ponds distributing twigs is no basis for a system of administration. Supreme executive derives from a mandate from the masses. Not from some farcical aquatic ceremony.

Rhett: BE QUIET!

Cjais: You can’t expect to wield supreme executive power just ‘cos some watery tart threw a stick at you.

Rhett: SHUT UP!

Cjais: I mean, if I went round sayin’ I was an Admin just because some moistened bint had lobbed a branch at me, they’d put me away.

 

Rhett walked up and grabbed Cjais,

Rhett: Shut up! Will you Shut Up!

Cjais: Ah, now we see the violence inheriting the system.

Rhett: Shut Up!

Cjais: Come and see the violence inheriting the system! Help, Help I’m being Repressed!

Rhett: Bloody Peasant!

Rhett turned and left Cjais.

 

Cjais: Oh, what a giveaway did you ‘ear that? Did you ‘ear that eh? That’s what I’m on about. Did you seem him repressing me. You saw it didn’t you.

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And so Rhett was no closer to finding any moderators, and now riding through a forest in the swamp with his faithful servant Patsy. He came across a moderator dressed in black armour fighting with a swampie. The black moderator knocked the green armored swampie to the ground, making him drop his sword. The swampie stood up and swung at the moderator with a mace. But he was thrown over the moderators shoulder. The swampie stood up and charged at the moderator with an axe. The Black Moderator threw his sword through the swampies helmet, and with a quick ‘oh’ the swampie was finished. Rhett rode up to the moderator as he retrieved his weapon.

 

Rhett: You Moderate with the strength of many Moderators sir knight……………………………….I am Rhett, Admin of the Forums………………………….I seek the finest and the bravest moderators in the land to join me in the court of Spamalot……………………..You have proved yourself worthy, with you join me?...........................................You make me sad, come Patsy.

Darth Groovy: None Shall Pass.

Rhett: What?

Darth Groovy: None Shall Pass!

Rhett: I have no quarrel with you good Sir knight, but I must cross this bridge.

Darth Groovy: Then you shall Die

Rhett: I command you as Admin of the Forums to stand aside.

Darth Groovy: I move, for no man

Rhett: So Be It!

 

Rhett pulled out a lightsaber and began to fight with Darth Groovy, The Black Knight. The battle raged on for 2 minutes, until with a quick slash, Rhett dismembered Darth Groovy’s left arm after using putting on the console command.

 

Rhett: Now Stand aside worth adversary.

Darth Groovy: ‘Tis but a scratch.

Rhett: A Scratch?! Your Arms Off!

Darth Groovy: No it isn’t

Rhett: Well what’s that then?

Darth Groovy: ……..I’ve ‘ad worse.

Rhett: You Liar!

Darth Groovy: Come on! Ya Pansy!

 

The battle bagan again, and with no effort at all Rhett chopped off Groovy’s other arm

 

Rhett: Victory is mine! We thank the Lord That in thy mercy….

 

Rhett was busy praying when Groovy kicked him in the side of the head.

 

Darth Groovy: Come on then!

Rhett: What?!

Darth Groovy: Have at you!

Rhett: You are indeed brave Sir Knight but the fight is mine.

Darth Groovy: Ooh had enough ey!

Rhett: Look you stupid B******D! you’ve got no arms left!

Darth Groovy: Yes I have!

Rhett: Look!

Darth Groovy: Its just a flesh Wound.

 

Groovy continued to kick Rhett

 

Rhett: Look Stop that!

Darth Groovy: Chicken, Chicken!

Rhett: Look, I’ll have your leg!........Right!

 

Rhett Swang and chopped of Groovy;s leg.

 

Darth Groovy: Right, I’ll do you for that.

Rhett: You’ll what!

 

Groovy was hopping into Rhett

 

Darth Groovy: Come ‘ere!

Rhett: What are you gonna do? Bleed on me?

Darth Groovy: I'm Invincible!

Rhett: You’re a loony

Darth Groovy: The Black Night Always Triumphs, Have at you………...Come on then?

 

Rhett was fed up, so chopped off the other leg.

 

Saber2.jpg

 

Leaving Groovy on the floor as just a torso and a head.

 

Darth Groovy: wh……….Alright, we’ll call it a draw.

Rhett: Come Patsy!

Darth Groovy: oh, oh… I see, runnin’ away eh! You yellow B*******s. Come back ‘ere and take what’s coming to ya, I’ll Bite you’re legs off!

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Rhett was saddened that he missed to chance to gain a moderator for his court at the castle of Spamalot. He came to a small town, filled with newbies trying to get attention by thwacking themselves on the head with wooden boards. He came to a gathering of some kind. A Crowed rushed past shouting, A Witch! A Witch!

 

Tyrion: We found a witch may we ban her!

Crowd: Yeah, Ban Her!

Obi-wan13: How do you know she is a witch?

Kstar: She Talks like one!

Obi-wan13: Bring her forward.

LeXX: I’m not a witch, I'm not a witch!

Obi-wan13: But you once talked like one?

LeXX: That was a code! And this isn’t my nose it’s a false one

Obi-wan13: Well?.....

Tyrion: Well, we did do the nose.

Obi-wan13: The nose?....

Tyrion: and the hat. But she is a witch.

Crowd: Yeah, a witch, Ban her! Ban her!

Obi-wan13: Did you dress her up like this?

Crowd: No, no, no

Tyrion: No...yes

Crowd: yeah, a bit.

Tyrion: She has got a wart.

Obi-wan13: What makes you think she is a which.

InsaneSith: Well she turned me into a newt!

Obi-wan13: A newt?

InsaneSith: …………………..I got better

Kstar: Ban her anyway!

Crowd: Ban Her!, Ban Her!

Obi-wan13: There are ways of telling if someone is a witch.

Crowd: Are there? Tell us! Tell Us!

Obi-wan13: Well, what do you do with witches?

Crowd: BAN THEM!

Obi-wan13: And what do you ban apart from witches?

Tyrion: More Witches!

InsaneSith: Sssh!

Kstar: Trolls!

Obi-wan13: Good, so why do witches get banned?

Crowd:…………………………

InsaneSith: Because…..because they’re really trolls?

Obi-wan13: Good! So how do we tell if she’s really a troll?

Crowd:……………………………..

Obi-wan13: Do trolls have more than one profile?

Crowd: Ban her!!!

Obi-wan13: What do people with profiles have?

Tyrion: Bread

Kstar: Apples

InsaneSith: Very small rocks

Rhett: An I.P.

Obi-wan13: Exacly! So what does that tell you?

Tyrion: If she has more than one profile…..she’s a troll?

Obi-wan13: And therefore?

Crowd:……….

Kstar:…..A Witch!

Crowd: A Witch!

Rhett: LeXX Isn’t a Troll, she’s the Lady of the Swamp.

 

So LeXX was freed and the crowd went home.

 

Obi-wan13: Who are you, who is so wise in the ways of the forums?

Rhett: I am Boba Rhett, Admin of the Forums.

Obi-wan13: My Liege..

Rhett: Good sir Super-mod, will you join me on my search for the castle of Spamalot. And join us at the not quite round table?

Obi-wan13: My Liege I would be honored.

Rhett: What is your name?

Obi-wan13: Obi-wan13 my liege.

Rhett: Then I dub you Sir Obi-wan13 Moderator of the Lucas Forums.

 

 

The Wise Sir Obi was the first to join Boba Rhetts Knights, but other illustrious names were soon to follow Sir Stormhammer The Brave, Sir(ess) LeXX the Pure, and Sir Spy_jmr1 the not quite as brave as Sir Stormhammer, who had nearly fought the Dragon of Angnor, who had nearly stood up to the vicious chicken of Bristol, and who had personally wet himself at the battle of Badon hill. Together they formed a band who’s names and deeds were to be retold throughout the forums. The Knights of the Lucas Forum.

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Obi-wan13: And that my liege is how we know the world to be banana shaped.

Rhett: This new leaning amazes me. Tell me again how sheep's bladders may be employed to prevent earth-quakes.

Obi-wan13: Why Certainly my liege.

Stormhammer: Look my liege!

 

Sir Stormhammer pointed towards Spamalot and the knights and their faithful servants stood in awe.

 

Rhett: Spamalot

LeXX: Spamalot

Stormhammer: Spamalot

SPY: Spamalot

Patsy: Its only a model

Rhett: Ssssh. Knights I bid you welcome to your new home. Let us ride to Spamalot!

 

The Spamalot Song:

 

We’re Members of the Lucas Forums,

We try and spam in all o’ them,

We do routines and spam the threads,

In a desperate cry for attention,

We spam well here in Spamalot,

Typing Jam and getting Banned-a lot

 

Rhett: No. On second thoughts, lets not go to Spamalot, it is a silly place.

The Moderators: hmm, yeah

 

So Rhett and his moderators left Spamalot and headed on a journey to a place where they didn’t know where they were. Suddenly there was a roar of thunder throughout the sky. And a mystic voice called from above,

 

Matt Windu: Rhett….Rhett, Admin of the Lucas Forums.

 

Rhett and the Moderators kneeled down in respect.

 

Matt Windu: Oh don’t grovel, if there’s one thing I can’t stand it people groveling.

Rhett:..Sorry

Matt Windu: And don’t apologize, every time I try and talk to someone its Sorry this, and Forgive me that, and I'm not worthy…..What are you doing now!?

Rhett: I'm averting my eyes oh lord. Well Don’t! Its like the miserable Senate Chambers, so depressing. Now give it up!

Moderators: Yes Lord,

Matt Windu: Now!, Rhett , Admin of the Lucas Forums. You and you’re moderators of the not quite round table will have a task to make an example in these dark times.

Rhett: Good idea oh lord!

Matt Windu: Of Course it’s a Good Idea! So Rhett, I want you to find the holy…...erm…..thing. Look well Rhett. For it is your sacred task to seek this thing. That is your purpose Rhett. The Quest for the holy Thing.

Stormhammer: A Blessing, A Blessing from the lord!

LeXX: God be Praised!

 

So Boba Rhett and his Moderators had been given a task by the high and mighty Matt Windu. And now they were searching for the holy thing, although they had no idea what it looked like. They came to a large Castle.

 

Rhett: Halt!...................Hello!................Hellooooo!!!!

InsaneSith: Hello!

Katarn07: Hello? Who is it?

Rhett: It is Boba Rhett, and these are my moderators of the Lucas Forums. Who’s Castle is this?

Katarn07: This is the castle of my masteeerrr, Tooweber-luamba

Rhett: Go and tell your master that we have been charged by Windu, with a sacred quest. If he will give us food and shelter for the night, he can join us on our quest for the holy thing.

Katarn07: Well I’ll ask him, but I don't think he’ll be very keen. Uh, ‘e‘s alrrready got one. You see?

Rhett: What!

LeXX: He says they’ve already got one?

Rhett: Are you sure he’s got one!

Katarn07: Oh yes, it’s very nicea. ( I told him we already got one)

InsaneSith: He he he

Rhett: We’ll er… Can we come up and have a look?

Katarn07: Of course not! You are Forum Types!

Rhett: Well what are you then?

Katarn07: I'm French! Why do you think I have this Outrrrrrrageous accent you silly admin!

LeXX: What are you doing in the forum?

Katarn07: Mind your own business

Rhett: If you will not show us the thing, We shall take your castle by force!

Katarn07: You Don’ frighten us! Forum pig-dogs, Go and Boil your bottoms you sons of a silly person! I blow my nose at you , so called, Admin! You and all your silly Forum Kunnnnnnnnnnnnnnighits!

 

The French castle guard began to but on a strange display of banging himself on the head and making raspberry noises.

 

LeXX: What a strange person

Rhett: Now look here my good man…

Katarn07: I Don’ wanna talk to you no more, you empty headed animal food trough wiper, I fart in your General direction, your mother was a hamster, and your father smelt of elderberry.

LeXX: Is there someone else up there we could talk to?

Katarn07: A, No. Now go away or I shall taunt you a second time!

Rhett: Now this is your last chance! I’ve been more than reasonable….

Katarn07: Fethcé le vash

InsaneSith: Kwha?

Katarn07: Fethcé le vash!

Rhett: If you do not agree to my command then I shall….

 

There was a sound of a huge elastic band being stretched and released. And a cow flew over the walls of the castle.

 

Rhett: Jesus Christ!

 

On of LeXX’s faithful servants was crushed, but its ok, he was alright.

 

Rhett: Right, Charge!!!!

 

Rhett and the Moderators charged at the wall of the castle, trying to avoid the hordes of animals that were being hurled over the wall, but it all became too much.

 

Rhett: Run Away! Run Away!

Moderators: Run Away!

 

They ran out of range of the animals and crouched behind a hill.

 

Stormhammer: I’ll tear them Apart!

Rhett: No, no no.

Obi-wan13: Sir….I have a plan!

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Early the next morning the French guard was awoken by the sound of a saw cutting a tree, then the sound of a tree falling, then the sound of hammering, and then the sound of something moving on wheels. Rhett and his moderators had created a giant bunny rabbit, and wheeled it up to the castle gates. Then the rabbit was taken in by the French. All of the moderators and Rhett hid behind a hill as they watched them take it in.

 

Rhett: What happens now?

Obi-wan13: Well, Stormhammer, SPY and I wait until nightfall and then leap out of the rabbit taking the French by surprise, not only by surprise but totally unarmed!

Rhett: Who leaps out?

Obi-wan13: Stormhammer, SPY and I, leap out of the rabbit and...eh…...and…...eh…..

Rhett: *sigh*

Obi-wan13: erm…. Look if we built this large wooden badger

 

Rhett slapped Obi-wan13. And to their surprise they heard that elastic sound again, and on looking to the sky noticed a huge wooden bunny rabbit hurtling towards them.

 

All: Run Away!, Run Away!

 

Defeat at the castle seemed to had utterly dishearten Boba Rhett. The ferocity of the French taunting took him completely by surprise, and Rhett became convinced that a new strategy was required if the quest for the holy thing was to be successful. Rhett consulted the moderators and they decided to separate and individually.

 

So they rode their separate ways, Sir SPY_jmr1 rode north through the dark forest of Endor. Accompanied by his favorite minstrels.

 

Bravely bold Spy_jmr, rode forth from Spamalot

He was not afraid to die, Oh Brave Spy_jmr

He was not at all afraid to he killed in nasty ways

Brave, Brave, Brave, Brave Spy_jmr

 

He was not in the least bit scared to be mashed into a pulp,

Or to have his eyes gouged out, and his elbow broken,

To have his kneecaps split, and his body burned away,

And his limbs all hacked and mangle brave Spy_jmr,

 

His head smashed in and his heart cut out,

And his liver removed and his bowled unplugged,

And his nostrils ripped and his bottom burnt off,

And his peni…….

 

SPY: That’s, that’s err, that’s enough music for now lads. Looks like there’s dirty work afoot, he.

 

Cjais: and Narcissism is a way of preserving freedom

Wes: Oh Denis forget about freedom as long as you’ve got that mud.

 

SPY_jmr1 continued to ride wearily through the forest,

 

Three-headed man (Tyrion/Reaper/Reborn Outcast): HALT! Who are ya?

Minstrels: He is brave Spy_jmr, Brave Spy_..

SPY: Shuttup!..erm…n..n..nobody really, erm, just err… just passing through.

Three-headen man: What do you want?

Minstrels: To Fight And…

SPY: Shut up! Oh..err..nothing really, j..j..just p..passing through good sir knight?

Three-headed man: I’m Afraid not!

SPY: Ah, well, actually I am a knight of the not quite round table?

Three-headed man: You’re a knight of the not quite round table?

SPY: I am

Tyrion: In that case I shall have to kill you

Reaper: Shall I?

Kstar: Oh I don't think so.

Reaper: Well what do I think?

Tyrion: I think kill ‘im

Kstar: Oh lets be nice to ‘im

Tyrion: Oh shut up

SPY: Perhaps…

Tyrion: And you! Oh quick, get the sword out I want to cut his head off!

Kstar: Oh cut your own head off

Reaper: Yes do us all a favor!

Tyrion: What?

Kstar: Yapping on all the time

Reaper: You’re lucky, your not next to him.

Tyrion: What do you mean?

Reaper: You Snore!

Tyrion: ooh I don't!, anyway you’ve got bad breath.

Reaper: Well that’s only because you don't brush my teeth.

Kstar: Oh stop blipping and lets go and have tea.

Tyrion: oh alright, alright, We’ll kill him first and then have tea and biscuits.

Reaper: Yes

Kstar: oh not biscuits?

Tyrion: Alright, alright, not biscuits, but lets kill him anyway.

Three-headed man: Right!.....................

Tyrion: He’s b*****ed off

Kstar: so he ‘as he’s scarcered

 

Minstrels: Brave SPY_jmr ran away

SPY: NO!

Minstrels: Bravely ran away, away

SPY: I didn’t!

Minstrels: When Danger reared its ugly head,

He bravely turned his tail and fled,

SPY: NO!

Minstrels: Brave Spy_jmr turned around and chickened out

SPY: I DIDN’T!

Minstrels: He took a very brave retreat

SPY: I NEVER DID! You Liar!

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Sorry White Dragon, the place is taken, and I've already got the script sorted out for the guy I chose. Really sorry.

 

And for all those who dont get a part, I am very sorry. BUT! Don't worry, once this is done I will start a Lord of the Rings spoof.

 

'Lord of the Forums'

 

Don't worry, It'll be a spoof, not all serious.

 

 

ALSO Thanks for all the replies I've had so far.

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