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The Lighter Side of Life (jokes, humor, etc.)

ChAiNz.2da

By ChAiNz.2da
in Ahto Spaceport Cantina

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RevanA4 Newbie

RevanA4

Posted
Posted
^^It was a microsoft version wasn't it?

 

 

nope

 

Are You TC?

 

Just in case you think you are TC ("Technologically Challenged"), the

following is an excerpt from an article in the Wall Street Journal:

 

1. Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to

"Press Return Key" because of the flood of calls asking where the "Any" key is.

 

2. AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was

hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the

plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.

 

3. Another Compaq technician received a call from a man complaining

that the system wouldn't read word processing files from his old diskettes.

The customer had stuck labels on the diskettes, then rolled them into his

typewriter to type on the labels.

 

4. Another customer was asked to send a copy of her defective

diskettes. A few days later, a letter arrived from the customer along with

photocopies of the floppies.

 

5. A Dell technician advised a customer to put his troubled floppy

back in the drive and close the door. The customer asked the tech to hold on,

and was heard putting the phone down, getting up and crossing the room to close the door to his room.

 

6. Another Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer

to fax anything. After 40 minutes of troubleshooting, the tech discovered

the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the

monitor screen and hitting the "send" key.

 

7. Yet another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no

longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with soap and water

and soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing all the keys and washing them individually.

 

8. A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was enraged

because his computer had told him he was "bad and an invalid". The tech

explained that the computer's "bad command" and "invalid" responses shouldn't

be taken personally.

 

 

9. A confused caller to IBM was having troubles printing documents.

He told the technician that the computer had said it "couldn't find printer".

The user had tried turning the computer screen to face the printer, but

that his computer still couldn't "see" the printer.

 

10. An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn't get

her new Dell computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged in,

the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button.

Her response, "I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing

happened." The "foot pedal" turned out to be the computer's mouse.

 

11. Another customer called Compaq Tech Support to say her brand-new

computer wouldn't work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in

and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked

what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked "What Power switch?"

 

12. True story from a Novell NetWire SysOp:

Caller: "Hello, is this Tech Support?"

Tech: "Yes, it is. How may I help you?

Caller: "The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my

warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?"

Tech: "I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?"

Caller: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer."

Tech: "Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped, it's because I am.

Did you receive this as part of a promotional, at a trade show?"

Caller: "It came with my computer. I don't know anything about a

promotion. It just has '4X' on it."

At this point the Tech Rep had to mute the caller, because he

couldn't stand it. He was laughing too hard.

The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a

cup holder, and snapped it off the drive!

 

13. Another IBM customer had trouble installing software and rang for

support. "I put in the first disk, and was OK. It said to put in the

second disk, and I had some problems with that disk. When it said to put in

the third disk - I could even fit it in."

The user hadn't realized that "Insert Disk 2" meant to remove Disk 1

first.

 

THERE NOW, DON'T YOU FEEL BETTER!

 

ya missed the parts that add more humor value

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Hallucination Newbie

Hallucination

Posted
Posted

I think I sound more like Revan everyday.

Webster's Windows95 Definition

Windows95: n.

32 bit extensions and a graphical shell for a 16 bit patch to an 8 bit

operating system originally coded for a 4 bit microprocessor, written

by a 2 bit company, that can't stand 1 bit of competition.

 

I halve a spelling checker,

It came with my pea see.

It plainly marks four my revue

Mistakes I dew knot sea.

Eye strike a key and type a word

And weight four it two say

Weather eye am wrong oar write

It shows me strait aweigh.

As soon as a mist ache is maid

It nose bee fore two long

And eye can put the era rite

Its rarely ever wrong.

I've scent this massage threw it,

And I'm shore your pleased too no

Its letter prefect in every weigh;

My checker tolled me sew.

rip.jpg

 

INSTRUCTIONS FOR MICROSOFT'S NEW TV DINNER PRODUCT:

You must first remove the plastic cover. By doing so you agree to

accept and honor Microsoft rights to all TV dinners. You may not

give anyone else a bite of your dinner (which would constitute an

infringement of Microsoft's rights). You may, however, let others

smell and look at your dinner and are encouraged to tell them how

good it is.

If you have a PC microwave oven, insert the dinner into the oven.

Set the oven using these keystrokes:

mstv.dinn.//08.5min@50%heat

Then enter:

ms//start.cook_dindin/yummy|/yum~yum:-)gohot#cookme.

If you have a Macintosh microwave oven, insert the dinner and press

start. The oven will set itself and cook the dinner.

If you have a Unix microwave oven, insert the dinner, enter the

ingredients of the dinner found on the package label, the weight of

the dinner, and the desired level of cooking and press start. The

oven will calculate the time and heat and cook the dinner exactly to

your specification.

Be forewarned that Microsoft dinners may crash, in which case your

oven must be restarted. This is a simple procedure. Remove the

dinner from the oven and enter:

ms.nodamn.good/tryagainagain/again.crap

This process may have to be repeated. Try unplugging the microwave

and then doing a cold reboot. If this doesn't work, contact your

oven vendor. The oven itself is obviously on the blink.

Many users have reported that the dinner tray is far too big, larger

than the dinner itself, having many useless compartments, most of

which are empty. These are for future menu items. If the tray is too

large to fit in your oven, you will need to upgrade your equipment.

Dinners are only available from registered outlets, and only the

chicken variety is currently produced. If you want another variety,

call Microsoft Help and they will explain that you really don't want

another variety. Microsoft Chicken is all you really need.

Microsoft has disclosed plans to discontinue all smaller versions of

their chicken dinners. Future releases will only be in the larger

family size. Excess chicken may be stored for future use, but must

be saved only in Microsoft approved packaging.

Microsoft promises a dessert with every dinner after '98. However,

that version has yet to be released. Users have permission to get

thrilled in advance.

Microsoft dinners may be incompatible with other dinners in the

freezer, causing your freezer to self-defrost. This is a feature,

not a bug. Your freezer probably should have been defrosted anyway.

 

Work vs Prison

 

IN PRISON... you spend the majority of your time in an 8X10 cell.

AT WORK... you spend the majority of your time in a 6X8 cubicle.

 

IN PRISON... you get three meals a day.

AT WORK... you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it.

 

IN PRISON... you get time off for good behavior.

AT WORK... you get more work for good behavior.

 

IN PRISON... the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.

AT WORK... you must carry around a security card and open all the doors for yourself.

 

IN PRISON... you can watch TV and play games.

AT WORK... you get fired for watching TV and playing games.

 

IN PRISON... you get your own toilet.

AT WORK... you have to share with some idiot who pees on the seat.

 

IN PRISON...they allow your family and friends to visit.

AT WORK...you can't even speak to your family.

 

IN PRISON... all expenses are paid by the taxpayers with no work required

AT WORK... you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.

 

IN PRISON... you spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out.

AT WORK... you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.

 

IN PRISON... you must deal with sadistic wardens.

AT WORK... they are called managers.

 

So why is it, again, that we work?

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Hallucination Newbie

Hallucination

Posted
Posted

Differences Between You And Your Boss

 

1. When you take a long time, you're slow.

When your boss takes a long time, he's thorough.

2. When you don't do it, you're lazy.

When your boss doesn't do it, he's too busy.

3. When you make a mistake, you're an idiot.

When your boss makes a mistake, he's only human.

4. When doing something without being told, you're overstepping your authority.

When your boss does the same thing, that's initiative.

5. When you take a stand, you're being pig-headed.

When your boss does it, he's being firm.

6. When you overlooked a rule of ettiquette, you're being rude.

When your boss skips a few rules, he's being original.

7. When you please your boss, you're ass-kissing.

When your boss pleases his boss, he's being co-operative.

8. When you're out of the office, you're wandering around.

When your boss is out of the office, he's on business.

9. When you're on a day off sick, you're always sick.

When your boss has a day off sick, he must be very ill.

10. When you apply for leave, you must be going for an interview.

When your boss applies for leave, it's because he's overworked.

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Hallucination Newbie

Hallucination

Posted
Posted

From a strictly mathematical viewpoint it goes like this:

What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever

wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We

have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over

100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these

questions:

If:

A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as:

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K

8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

and

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E

11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E

1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B-U-L-L-S-H-!-T

2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G

1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 127%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that While Hard

work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there,

it's the Bull sh*t and A*s Kissing that will put you over the top!

 

WRITINGS from hospital charts:

1. The patient refused autopsy.

2. The patient has no previous history of suicides.

3. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.

4. Note: patient here-recovering from forehead cut. Patient became very

angry when given an enema by mistake.

5. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

6. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it

disappeared.

7. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be

depressed.

8. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.

9. Discharge status: Alive but without permission.

10. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert but

forgetful.

11. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

12. She is numb from her toes down.

13. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.

14. The skin was moist and dry.

15. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.

16. Patient was alert and unresponsive.

17. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.

18. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until

she got a divorce.

19. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical

therapy.

20. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

21. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

22. Skin: somewhat pale but present.

23. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.

 

NEW WORDS FOR 2005: Essential additions to the workplace (especially

if you work for any governmental agency) vocabulary.

BLAMESTORMING: Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline

wasmissed or a project failed, and who was responsible.

SEAGULL MANAGER: A manager, who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps

on everything, and then leaves.

ASSMOSIS: The process by which some people seem to absorb success and

advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.

SALMON DAY: The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream

only to get screwed and die in the end.

CUBE FARM: An office filled with cubicles

PRAIRIE DOGGING: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a

Cubefarm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going

on.

MOUSE POTATO: The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch

potato.

SITCOMS: (Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage). What

yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops

working to stay home with the kids.

STRESS PUPPY: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and

whiny.

SWIPEOUT: An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because

the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.

XEROX SUBSIDY: Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's

workplace.

IRRITAINMENT: Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying but

you find yourself unable to stop watching them. The J-Lo and Benwedding (or not) was a prime example.

PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE: The fine art of whacking the crap out of an

electronic device to get it to work again.

ADMINISPHERE: The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above

the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often

profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were

designed to solve.

404: Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message

"404 Not Found," meaning that the requested document could not be

located.

GENERICA: Features of the American landscape that are exactly the same

no matter where one is, such as fast food joints, strip malls, and

subdivisions.

OHNOSECOND: That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize

thatyou've just made a BIG mistake.

WOOFS: Well-Off Older Folks.

More coming later.

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