Jump to content

Home

The Lighter Side of Life (jokes, humor, etc.)

ChAiNz.2da

By ChAiNz.2da
in Ahto Spaceport Cantina

Recommended Posts

  • Replies 524
  • Created
  • Last Reply
RevanA4 Newbie

RevanA4

Posted
Posted

cronicals of people i know who put no thought in to what they said XD (yes they are true)

 

mom: Sam will you unplug the air conditioner?

sam: Sould I unplug it all the way? O.o

 

this next on has some info before it

 

when ya walk into my room the first thing you will notice is college text books all over on shelves (yes I kept them all XD)

 

so my brother opens my door and says none other than

 

hey do you have a book in here? O.o

 

my reply: NO they are figments of you imagination (heres your sign)

 

this one isn't something my brother did but my neighbor grandma said

 

ok my neighbor is learning how to drive (magical age of 15 >_>)

 

so she's done driving with her grandma. She shuts the car off and gives her grandma the keys. her grandma preseeds to ask if she shut the car off? O.o and my responce would have been:

 

no its run two miles down the road (and again heres your sign)

Link to comment
Share on other sites
RevanA4 Newbie

RevanA4

Posted
Posted

ok I found a list of the dumest laws that the US still has on the books

 

but since they are broken up by state I just picked the ones for wisconsin

 

Wisconsin

• As people used to smuggle it in from Illinois, all yellow butter substitute is banned.

• At one time, margarine was illegal.

• A Wisconsin legislator in the 1970s proposed a law providing that no woman over 21 be required to divulge her age. If age information were required by law, women could use an alphabetic code: women in their '20s would use

• A Wisconsin legislator recently introduced a bill making it illegal to tattoo someone under the age of 18. He was quoted as saying, "I'm going to save the buttocks of a few juveniles."

• Butter substitutes are not allowed to be served in state prisons.

• Car dealerships cannot sell cars on Sunday.

• Cheese making requires a cheese maker's license; Limburger cheese making requires a master cheese maker's license.

• Citizens may not murder their enemies.

• Condoms were considered an obscene article and had to hidden behind the pharmacist's counter.

• In Connorsville, Wisconsin no man shall shoot off a gun while his female partner is having a sexual orgasm.

• In St. Croix, women are not allowed to wear anything red in public.

• In Wisconsin you are allowed to marry your house.

• In Wisconsin you need a cheesemaker's license to make any kind of cheese, except Limburger. To make Limburger, you need a master cheesemaker's license.

• In Wisconsin, after 3:00 a.m., you have to send a rocket signal in the air after every mile you drive.

• In Wisconsin, it is illegal to cut a woman's hair or to kiss on a train.

• It is illegal to cut a woman's hair.

• It is illegal to display an unclothed mannequin in a store window.

• It is illegal to kiss on a train.

• It is illegal to wake a fireman when he is asleep.

• Kenosha: No male is allowed to be in a state of arousal in public.

• La Crosse: It is illegal to tie up your horse along Third Street (Now a major bar strip). It is illegal to display an unclothed mannequin in a store window. It is illegal to play checkers in public. You cannot "worry a squirrel."

• Milwaukee: An old ordinance forbids parking for over two hours unless a horse is tied to the car. It is against the law to play a flute and drums on the streets to attract attention. If one is thought of as offensive looking, it is illegal for him to be in public during the day. It is illegal to purchase or use Sparklers in the city, yet you can buy fully disassembled automatic machine guns.

• Next time you start a riot in Wisconsin remember that it i illegal to use a laser pointer to do so.

• Racine: It is illegal to wake a fireman when he is asleep. Women may not walk down a public street at night without being accompanied by a man.

• St. Croix: Women are not allowed to wear anything red in public.

• State Law made it illegal to serve apple pie in public restaurants without cheese.

• Whenever two trains meet at an intersection of said tracks, neither shall proceed until the other has.

• While all cheese making requires a license, Limburger cheese making requires a master cheese maker's license.

• Wisconsin law provides for a fine of $2 to $20 for anyone under age 17 caught jumping onto a railroad car while the train is in motion.

• You must manually flush all urinals in a building.

Link to comment
Share on other sites
RevanA4 Newbie

RevanA4

Posted
Posted

Chicago: A man was wanted for throwing bricks through jewelry store windows and making off with the loot. He was arrested last night after throwing a brick into a Plexiglas window...the brick bounced back, hit him in the head and knocked him cold until the police got there.

 

Portsmouth, RI: Police charged Gregory Rosa, 25, with a string of vending machine robberies in January when he: 1. fled from police inexplicably when they spotted him loitering around a vending machine and 2. later tried to post his $400 bail in coins.

 

Kentucky: Two men tried to pull the front off a cash machine by running a chain from the machine to the bumper of their pickup truck. Instead of pulling the front panel off the machine, though, they pulled the bumper off their truck. Scared, they left the scene and drove home. With the chain still attached to the machine. With their bumper still attached to the chain. With their vehicle's license plate still attached to the bumper.

 

A bank robber in Bumpus, Tenn.: handed a teller the following note: "Watch out. This is a rubbery. I hav an oozy traned on your but. Dump the in a sack, this one. No die packkets or other triks or I will tare you a new naval. No kwarter with red stuff on them, too." Dr. Creon V.B. Smyk of the Ohio Valley Educational Council says such notes are, lamentably, the rule. "Right across the board, we see poor pre-writing skills, problems with omissions, tense, agreement, spelling and clarity," he moaned. Smyk believes that the quality of robbery notes could be improved if criminals could be taught to plan before writing. "We have to stress organization: Make an outline of your robbery note before you write it," he said. "Some of the notes get totally sidetracked on issues like the make, model and caliber of the gun, number of bullets, etc., until one loses sight of the main idea -- the robbery."

 

A man was arrested for stealing a car. When he was taken to court for his arraignment the judge asked, how do you plead? Instead of saying guilty or not guilty the man said: "Before we go any further, judge, let me explain why I stole the car." The judge ruled in record time.

 

 

now on a side note

 

Baggy clothes may save your life: a 13-year-old boy in Belgrade, Yugoslavia fell 130 feet from his hi-rise apartment and survived with only minor injuries. Witnesses said Daniel Gurgus' baggy sweater caught tree branches on the way down... remember, kids, just say no to Spandex...

Link to comment
Share on other sites
Commander Obi-Wan Newbie

Commander Obi-Wan

Posted
Posted

lol....some of the those are hilirious.

 

Chicago: A man was wanted for throwing bricks through jewelry store windows and making off with the loot. He was arrested last night after throwing a brick into a Plexiglas window...the brick bounced back, hit him in the head and knocked him cold until the police got there.

 

This one is my favourite of those. lol.

Link to comment
Share on other sites
RevanA4 Newbie

RevanA4

Posted
Posted

I got bored again so here is my latest find

 

 

What Engineers Say vs What They Really Mean

 

A number of different approaches are being tried. - We don't know where we're going, but we're moving.

An extensive report is being prepared on a fresh approach to the problem. - We just hired three guys... We'll let them kick it around for a while.

Developped after years of intensive research. - It was discovered by accident.

Modifications are underway to correct certain minor difficulties. - We threw the whole thing out and are starting from scratch.

Preliminary operational tests were inconclusive. - The darn thing blew up when we threw the switch.

Test results were extremely gratifying. - It works, and boy are we surprised !

The design will be finalized in the next reporting period. - We haven't started this job yet, but we've got to say something.

The entire concept is unworkable. - The only guy who understood the thing just quit.

We need close project coordination. - We should have asked someone else. Alternate: Let's spread the responsibility for this.

 

Common Business Phrases - What They Really Mean

A Clarification - To fill in the background with so many details that the foreground goes underground.

A Conference - A place where conversation is substituted for the dreariness of labor and the loneliness of thought.

A Meeting - A mass mulling by master minds.

A Program - Any assignment that can't be completed by one telephone call.

Action is being taken - Your correspondence is lost and we are still trying to locate it.

Action please - Get yourself involved for me. Don't worry, I'll claim the credit.

Basic agreement has been reached: The @##$%%'s won't even talk to us.

Channels - be trail left by the interoffice memo.

Consultant (or Expert) - Any ordinary guy more than 50 miles from home.

Coordinator - me guy who has a desk between two expeditors.

Copy to - Here's a share of the headache.

Essentially complete: It's half done.

Expedite - To confound confusion with commotion

For your approval, please - Put your neck on the chopping board for me please.

For your immediate action - Do it NOW! Or we'll all get into trouble.

For your information, please (FYI) - We don't know what to do with this, so please keep it.

For your necessary action - It's your headache now.

Give Us the Benefit of Your Present Thinking - We'll listen to what you have to say as long as it doesn't interfere with what we've already decided to do.

Give us your interpretation -- Your warped opinion will be pitted against your adversary's good sense.

Informed Source - The guy who told the guy you just met.

It is in process - So wrapped up in red tape that the situation is almost hopeless.

Let's Get Together on This - I'm assuming you're as confused as I am.

Not well defined at this time: Nobody's even thought about it.

Not well understood: Now that we've thought about it, we don't want to think about it anymore.

Note and Initial - Let's spread the responsibility for this.

Noted and returned - We don't know what to do with this, so please keep it little while.

Please discuss - I don't know what the hell this is, so please brief me.

Please note and initial -- Let's spread the responsibility for this.

Please reply soon - Please be efficient. It makes me look inefficient.

Potential show stopper - The team has updated their resumes.

Regards - Thanks for reading all the bull****.

Reliable Source - The guy you just met.

Re-orientation - Getting used to working again.

Requires further analysis and management attention: Totally out of control!

Results are being quantified: We're massaging the numbers so they will agree with our conclusions.

Results are promising: Turned power on and no smoke detected -- this time...

Review and comment - Do the dirty work so that I can forward it.

Risk is high, but within acceptable ranges of risk: 100:1 odds, or with 10 times over budget using 10 times the people we said we'd employ.

See Me, or Let's Discuss - Come down to my office, I'm lonesome.

Serious but not insurmountable problems: It'll take a miracle.

Task force to review: Seven people who are incompetent at their regular jobs have been loaned to the project

To Activate - To make carbons and add more names to the memo.

To Give Someone the Picture - A long, confused and inaccurate statement to a newcomer.

To Inplement a Program - Hire more people and expand the office.

To Negotiate - To seek a meeting of minds without knocking together of heads.

Under Active Consideration - We're looking in the files for it.

Under Consideration - Never heard of it.

Unimpeachable Source - The guy who started the rumor originally.

We are aware of it -- We had hoped that the fool who started it would have forgotten about it by this time.

We are investigating/processing your request with the relevant authorities - They are causing the delay, not us.

We are making a survey -- We need more time to think of an answer.

We predict: We hope to God!

We will look into it - By the time the wheel makes a full turn, we assume you will have forgotten about it too.

Will advise you in due course -- If we figure it out, we'll let you know.

Your letter is receiving our attention - We are still trying to figure out what you want.

 

What Entrepreneur's Say vs What They Really Mean

We're considerably ahead of plan - We hit plan in one of the last three months

We're basically on plan - Revenue shortfall of 25 percent

Possibility of a slight shortfall - Revenue shortfall of 75 percent

Too early to tell - Results to date have been grim

Turnaround opportunity - The horse has four feet in the air

Our projections are very conservative - We read a book that said we had to be a $50 million company in five years, and we reverse-engineered the numbers

We're currently revisiting the budget - Our financial plan is in total chaos

Acquisition Strategy - Our current products have no market

Bio-tech business model - Potentially bigger fools have been identified

We're in a cyclical industry - We posted a huge loss last year

The ingredients are there - Given two years, we might find a workable strategy

We're investing heavily in R&D - We're trying desperately to catch the competition

The product is 98% complete - To complete the remaining 2% will take twice as long as it took to create the initial 98% and will cost twice as much

Limited downside - It can't get much worse

Window of opportunity - Without more money, the company is dead

Long selling cycle - We have yet to find a customer who likes the product

We're the low cost producer - We haven't produced anything yet, but are confident that we will be able to

We're on a manufacturing learning curve - We can't make the product with positive margins

We're repositioning the business - Multimillion-dollar investment recently written off

Our products are unique - No more than six competitors

We have no competition - Only IBM, Microsoft, Sun and Cisco have announced plans to enter the business

We only need a 10 percent market share - So do the other 50 companies getting funded

Our management team has a great deal of experience - Consuming the product or service

We're upgrading the management team - The organization is in complete disarray

Entrepreneurial CEO - Totally uncontrollable, bordering on maniacal

A select group of investors is considering the plan - We mailed a copy to everyone in Pratt's Guide

We want a value-added investor - We are looking for a "dumb-as-rocks" investor

Link to comment
Share on other sites
ChAiNz.2da Newbie

ChAiNz.2da

Posted
  • Author
Posted

Subject: Swearing At Work

 

Dear Employees:

 

It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their co-workers.

 

Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated.

 

We do, however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with co-workers.

 

Therefore, a list of 18 New and Innovative "TRY SAYING" phrases have been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and Information can continue in an effective manner.

 

______________________

 

 

1) TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training.

** INSTEAD OF: You don't know what the f___ you're doing.

 

2) TRY SAYING: She's an aggressive go-getter.

** INSTEAD OF: She's a f___ing bit__.

 

3) TRY* SAYING: Perhaps I can work late.

** INSTEAD OF: And when the f___ do you expect me to do this?

 

4) TRY SAYING: I'm certain that isn't feasible.

** INSTEAD OF: No f___ing* way.

 

5) TRY SAYING: Really?

** INSTEAD OF: You've got to be sh___ing me!

 

6) TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with...

** INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a sh__.

 

7) TRY SAYING: I wasn't involved in the project.

** INSTEAD OF: It's not my f___ing problem.

 

8) TRY SAYING: That's interesting.

** INSTEAD OF: What the f___?

 

9) TRY SAYING: I'm not sure this can be implemented.

** INSTEAD OF: This sh__ won't work.

 

10) TRY SAYING: I'll try to schedule that.

** INSTEAD OF: Why the f___ didn't you tell me* sooner?

 

11) TRY SAYING: He's not familiar with the issues.

** INSTEAD OF: He's got his head* up his a__.

 

12) TRY SAYING: Excuse me, sir?

** INSTEAD OF: Eat sh__ and die.

 

13) TRY SAYING: So you weren't happy with it?

** INSTEAD OF: Kiss my a__.

 

14) TRY SAYING: I'm a bit overloaded at the moment.

** INSTEAD OF: F__ it, I'm on salary.

 

15) TRY SAYING: I don't think you understand.

** INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your a__.

 

16) TRY SAYING: I love a challenge.

** INSTEAD OF: This f___ing job sucks.

 

17) TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that?

** INSTEAD OF: Who the f___ died and made you boss?

 

18) TRY* SAYING: He's somewhat insensitive.

** INSTEAD OF: He's a pr_ck.

 

 

Thank You,

Human Resources

 

:D

Link to comment
Share on other sites
Darth InSidious Newbie

Darth InSidious

Posted
Posted

Let me tell you a tale.

 

There once was a tribal king who brought great wealth and prosperity to his people. To show their appreciation, they decided to commission the local stoneworkers to create a fairly nice throne to replace the rickety wooden chair he had been sitting in for all of his reign thus far. Time passed, and under the king's rule the tribe prospered more and more. Several years later, the people decided to create another throne for him. Of course, he couldn't just shove the old one into the corner, so he had his subjects move it into the attic of his grass hut.

 

Time continued to pass, and the king grew to enjoy the gifts of his people (as they showed their appreciation for his wise and benevolent rulership in various ways), but began to desire even better seating. As such, he decided to simply order his people to build a new throne for him; having done this, he had them put the old one next to the original throne in the attic. As the decades passed, he continued to force his people to create for him bigger and more ornate thrones, year after year. Finally, the grass hut collapsed, and one of his massive thrones killed him instantly.

 

The moral of the story is that people who live in grass houses shouldn't stow thrones.

Link to comment
Share on other sites
ChAiNz.2da Newbie

ChAiNz.2da

Posted
  • Author
Posted
G__ D__ned it Human Resources isn't there anything we can F__king saying anymore you filthy A__Holes. Really the F__king nerve. :D

 

With regards the Staff.

:lol: :lol:

 

Holy hell man, where have you been?!?! I thought you fell off the face of the Earth! Great to see you again! :D

Link to comment
Share on other sites
Darkkender Newbie

Darkkender

Posted
Posted
:lol: :lol:

 

Holy hell man, where have you been?!?! I thought you fell off the face of the Earth! Great to see you again! :D

 

My Christmas Peak job had me so busy that I had no time for anything. Add to that I had contracted a virus on my machine and lost most of my programming and modding materials. I luckily had a chunk of it backed up but not enough of it for my tastes though(I lost the source code for my NSSEditor & KscriptEditor). On top of all that when I cleaned everything up I had to reinstall windoze which has been a month long hassle in and of itself so I have been playing with running Linux and setting up WINE so that I can play KOTOR 1 & 2 on Linux. I have met with some limited success but most importantly I've gotten Windoze back. That and a new Kotor Tool makes DK a very happy modder.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

Go to topic listing
×
×
  • Create New...