The Critic's 2 cents

[Darth_Yuthura]

If you want me to re-review I will. However I will do a full 'teacher' review of it if I feel it needs to be so. Now question, do you want that?

 

Maybe you shouldn't have publicly answered that question. Now everyone's going to ask you to re-review and you're going to get flooded with requests.

[machievelli]

Maybe you shouldn't have publicly answered that question. Now everyone's going to ask you to re-review and you're going to get flooded with requests.

 

Not so far, DY. I think the 'full teacher' warning did what I expected.

[machievelli]

Coruscant Entertainment Center

 

Litofsky

Actions

 

NonSW: Tension builds as the world moves toward war

 

Remember word usage pored instead of poured.

 

Technical note: Knowing what I do of military tactics and history, you had me thoroughly confused by the time of the Soviet meeting. First you have the Russians and Chinese (Not the most cooperative bedfellows) Massing in the Central Pacific, with the US deploying fleets to of all places, Israel, in the Mid east, 8,000+ miles away.

 

Then you describe the southern Soviet states being wrested from the Germans, though those states bordering on China, Afghanistan, and Iraq had been under the Russian thumb since the Tsars when the Warsaw Pact nations were the ones controlled after that war.

 

To top it off, you describe the US as millennia old, when we’re not even close to the half yet.

 

Last, you describe the Lenin as a Ballistic missile submarine, and from information I have obtained, his (Russians call ships him) Bulava missiles have a range of 8000 kilometers. In other words, they would be able to fire them from the docks at Polyarny in Murmansk Oblast.

 

Yes, I do understand slant firing of such missiles for the shortest possible time before impact, yet the same effect could have been achieved by launching from the Indian Ocean near the Suez canal, or from near Crete rather than risk a boat worth several Billion dollars from 50 miles off the coast. Also, even the Peackeeper (Last US missile deployed) has a CEP (circular error of probability) of less than 200 yards meaning if they fired it at my home for example, it could still land as much as a quarter mile from me. Decent enough for a nuke, but rather poor targeting for any conventional warhead. Considering the location of the submarine, you could have done away with Lenin herself, and used the cruise missiles already developed by the Russians on the Tomahawk or Shipwreck design, which would not be as fast (about 500 miles per hour) but since they have no ballistic portion, would actually cover the same distance faster. Those could be fired by the Akulas themselves and have CEPs of perhaps ten meters, 30 feet.

 

Using a Strategic platform to launch them might cause a Strategic response. That is why we stopped using the B36 as a recon plane back in the fifties. A bomber designed to carry nukes is assumed to carry them. In fact when we attacked Afghanistan in 2001, we specified to the press before the first launch that the B52s and B1s being used were not carrying nuclear ordinance. If Lenin had been spotted entering the Med, she would have been shadowed and even possibly sunk before she got into position because according to agreements between NATO and the Soviets, transfers from Red Banner North fleet to the Black Sea of any strategic platform must be reported.

 

It’s interesting so far. Keep it up

 

Conqueror, Saviour

Lord Spitfire

 

KOTOR Aboard the Endar Spire: The initial scenes revised.

 

“You’ve been slipping in and out of consciousness (since instead of ) still then.” ‘I was a Commander and later a first Lieutenant during the Mandalorian Wars’ The ranks are reversed. This suggests he was demoted rather than promoted.

 

The changes you made were interesting; Trask being a Lieutenant Commander, three ranks higher than Ensign, having Trask die instead of the Jedi made the scene when they met Bandon more believable as well.

 

A little rough, but good work.

 

All the Time

Endorenna

 

Four years Post TSL: Revenge at last

 

I finished this and for several minutes could not think of what to say. It looked like a stereotypical Dark Exile story but it wasn’t until the denouement that I suddenly realized what had happened, and it worked perfectly. I would have left off the very end but even that didn’t detract.

 

Pick of the week

 

The Phantom Menace

jonathan7

 

 

Chancellor Palpatine was still at this time only Senator. Word usage problems, coarse(rough) instead of course (path), alley (narrow path) instead of Ally, Astra

instead of astro heard instead of hear, fell instead of feel. Theed is a city and proper names are always capitalized.

 

Remember to finish sentences. You started to say ‘speaking of which’ but merely wrote Sying instead.

 

The basic are good though you forget you’re writing script style and put in quotes in one section. Making Padme the daughter rather than queen is an interesting move, and the only advantage I see to making Anakin thirteen instead of nine is that they can moon over each other now.

 

The one reviewer who commented on keeping Jar-jar is correct in that the main reason we all thoroughly hated the little twerp was how stupid he was. In Attack of the Clones I knew without even thinking about it who would call for the Executive Powers vote. A more sober and intelligent Jar-jar would not be so bad.

 

kotorfanmedia

 

Operation: Intrude on the Mood

SaturdayInAugust

 

KOTOR aboard Ebon Hawk: There’s more than one way to break the mood

 

The story was interesting in that it suggests a more petty and vindictive Bastila than normal. Intruding along the link to stop Aden (Revan) from getting too emotionally involved with Carth shows a more minatory side of her. Well done.

 

Getting Your Sith On

SaturdayInAugust

 

KOTOR on Korriban: When in doubt, drink

 

The piece started out kind of silly, Revan merely watching Canderous be himself while she drank too much, and having her face off with Yuthura in that state had me a bit worried. But casually tossing the Sith coin necessary for admittance at her when she is rejected made the entire read worthwhile.

 

Pick of the Week

 

-~*Fractured Smile*~- Chapter One: Air

Cannibalisticxx

 

TSL on Peragus: The Exile is decanted.

 

The scene describes very well waking up for a long unconscious state. The ending line is rather good, because I can see her doing this, but denying it afterward. Well written.

 

Strikeout

Tatooine92

 

TSL Aboard Ebon Hawk after Nar Shaddaa: Atton admits what he was like before he met the Exile… Now he has to live with the outcome.

 

The piece is interesting because you can feel the repression of his own feeling. He wants to love her, but at the same time, he’s considering killing her. At this point I would wonder myself, and as another reviewer said, so much better than the bland conversation in the game. However you did it in such a manner that I can’t see her loving him, and am unsure she would even trust him.

 

Pick of the Week

 

At the Edge of Hearing: Part 1 of 2

MoonMythology

 

TSL on Nar Shaddaa: The Exile and Atton face danger, and their newly forged bond.

 

You had a habit in this one of forgetting to space out words teachingher for example. This is an editing problem more than anything else.

 

The idea that as they grow closer the pair would forge their own force bond is logical and brought out at just the right moment.

 

Wishful Thinking

FlyingSnow

 

TSL After first trip to Telos: Atton’s dreams shock him awake.

 

The story started off mildly, but by the end, you’re shivering. Knowing that it was probably Kreia that changed it is only a minor aside, because Atton is facing what he was and that picture has it’s own power to terrorize him.

 

The scenes are well laid out and distinct, giving you a sense of reality in the portrayal and background.

 

Pick of the Week

 

The Swindler - Part 1

DarthGhastly

 

PostTSL: A pickpocket meets her new boss

 

The piece was fun because it seems just to be a slice of life until the end; the interplay with the mobster and his underling was well done. Ordering a beating after she left rather than to clean the room a nice vindictive touch.

 

New Beginnings

FlyingSnow

 

TSL After Malachor V: Atton has to find a way to deal with what comes after.

 

The piece was trite, fluffy, and enjoyable. The interplay between the characters is well rounded and smooth.

 

Pick of the Week

[Kado Sunrider]

Not so far, DY. I think the 'full teacher' warning did what I expected.

Not for me.

I don't want to be pushy about it, but your full teacher review is much anticipated. Ever since you offered, Ive been going through my chapters and looking for spots where I've made little errors and corrected them.

 

You're motivating me to edit my own work! xD

[Litofsky]

Thanks for the review, Mach. I forgot to link to a related thread, where the map issues would've been cleared up (it's supposed to be an alternate reality, and I went and forgot to put it ).

[machievelli]

Not for me.

I don't want to be pushy about it, but your full teacher review is much anticipated. Ever since you offered, Ive been going through my chapters and looking for spots where I've made little errors and corrected them.

 

You're motivating me to edit my own work! xD

 

And why do you think I work as a critic?

[Hallucination]

Masochism?

[machievelli]

Masochism?

 

Maybe

[machievelli]

Coruscant Entertainment Center

 

New Journey

Mr BFA

 

TSL Return to Dxun: The Exile and his crew begin the clean up after the battle

 

The basics are good. It needs polishing. The love interest between the Exile and Brianna is good if a bit accelerated, and if she is now called by name, the title is redundant.

 

It’s interesting (Though I would have anticipated it) that he is not following either light or dark; from what I have seen of most writers you create one and either he (or she) is either saccharine sweet or unremittingly sadistic. You can be an evil SOB without tearing the wings off flies, and good without spouting platitudes. You character balances well.

 

Tigerlily

Burnseyy

 

NonSW: Prologue to an interesting vampire story

 

The only problem I have with this is that it is too short to really get into it. I like the idea of taking all the perceived downsides and showing the upside versions. The one fictional vampire I hated was Louis from Interview with a Vampire, too busy whining to be enjoyable.

 

If it had been longer, I would have given you a pick. But I’ll hold that like a prize while we wait for more.

 

return from unknown space

exoduz

 

15 years PostTSL: A new threat looms on the horizon

 

Remember conversation breaks. A story is like a river flowing, and leaving them out is like turning a bend and finding rapids you didn’t anticipate. The reader will lose the flow if you forget them.

 

The piece is short abrupt, and there is little or no information given.

 

Technical note: read my own posting; Reverse engineering the Star Forge .

 

Having the plans of the Star Forge would be nice but considering how it was created; using both the Force and matter combined, reverse engineering it would be a pain. Think of a primitive tribesman being handed an M1 battle tank. He would first have to develop about seventeen different scientific studies to reproduce it, and at least four to just operate it. That is part of the reason that breech loading firearms were used by the tribes in Africa before indepence, but they still never designed any of them of their own.

 

In other words, if the Star Forge still existed, I’d worry now. But since they have to recreate it, I wouldn’t worry in my lifetime.

 

Welcome to the Forum

 

A little feedback pls

vanir

 

NonSW Fiction: The fighting around Stalingrad from a different view.

 

While the symbol means it is pronounced doufel, the proper spelling is still duffel. I am not usually a grammar and punctuation Nazi but ‘Schröder casually turned to face a fairly solid looking Saxon, in a woolen jumper with mud splattered, sheepskin boots and standard issue Luftwaffe trousers and cap’ feels better as; ‘Schröder casually turned to face a fairly solid looking Saxon in a woolen jumper, with mud splattered sheepskin boots, and standard issue Luftwaffe trousers and cap’. ‘called him on the pig he is.’ would have been better by leaving out on; ‘called him the pig he is.’

 

The piece gives the reader a relatively firm grip on what is happening. The interplay regarding Goering is well done because as respected as he was by the Nazi hierarchy, he was usually only tolerated by the fliers themselves.

 

Technical note: The Russians used the LaGG series as well.

 

vamp story

vanir

 

NonSW fiction: A programmer and a vampire…

 

There is only enough to set the mood, not to finish. The isn’t really enough to get a grip on.

 

kotorfanmedia

 

Light Side Female Exile

 

Walk Away

DyrraDegan

 

Ten years PostTSL: Maybe she can finally decide to move on.

 

The piece was well constructed, the person giving the advice a bit of a surprise, but the advice itself well thought out. Well worth the read.

 

Hope

Chronokinetic

 

PostTSL aboard Ebon Hawk: Sometimes hope is all you have

 

As another reviewer said, an intense minute… The struggle to win even as you know you may not is strong here, and the author catches it well. Leaving hanging; will the ship survive or not, it poignant.

 

Pick of the Week

 

Nightmares, Ghosts and Promises

MoonMythology

 

TSL covering several weeks: Remembering and living your life

 

It should be things, not thinks. You’re still forgetting spacing (theForce and knewthat

for example) These are editing problems, easily corrected.

 

The piece flows well, the relationship burgeoning as it progresses. Learning that she had been born on a rainy day was fun when they decided every rainy day would be her birthday. The ending cute.

 

Light Side Male Revan

 

Love and Redemption Part 1

 

Forgotten Honor

 

KOTOR Aboard the Star Forge: Revan goes to kill Malak, but he is focused on his love

 

The piece is short and sweet, Revan’s constant focus on getting to Bastila a goal he hopes to attain. The robes changing color is an interesting twist.

 

Dark Times -part one

Lady Revan

KOTOR In unknown system: Chronicling Bastila’s time on the dark side

 

The biggest problem I had with the piece was that it was too short. It ends as Bastila leaves to confront Revan on Lehon. The problem is, I may not ever get a chance to read further.

 

Malak’s Gift

Merciful Revan

 

Six months postTSL: Upon his return, Revan springs a final trap of Malak’s

 

Most of the negatives about this story have been addressed by other reviewers. I have to agree because they are correct; the two female characters are scrunched up to fit a mold.

 

I did like the idea of setting such a trap, but the idea, as one said good idea, poorly written. But to echo another reviewer, the last line was cute, suggesting Revan’s problems have only started.

 

A Message to an Unknown Star

MoonMythology

 

PostKOTOR: A section of Bastila’s journal

 

This is like reading some girl’s diary. The memories pressed like exotic flowers between the pages, her own feelings clearly laid out, her wish that they will be together again. The only negative had been addressed, so I will not comment on it.

 

Pick of the Week

[vanir]

Thanks Mach, I appreciate the opportunity to crawl out of my own head.

At the Donets back in July 42 there were several early model LaGG to be encountered as well as quite a few British Hurricanes. Yaks were constructed at the freshly relocated Ural factories and the build quality was very poor, whilst the LaGG was being produced locally (Moscow, Yaroslavl, etc.). Still Leningrad had priority, so even though Soviet fuel quality meant Hurricanes had to be detuned and wound up with hopeless performance until later in the year, many of these were pressed into service on the southern Front as well, whilst TsAgi officials tried to improve the production finish of Yaks. Outside Stalingrad itself, from about September much improved Yak-1 and Yak-7B were to found in relatively small numbers (with most of the features that were to be standard on the Yak-9).

 

The Lavochkin factories were also in the process of converting to a version of the LaGG fitted with the M-82 14-cyl radial and so early versions of this La-5 began appearing in large numbers right from about August, Luftwaffe enemy loss reports cite unknown enemy a/c shot down from this period and it is the main type in action with Jadgdivision Stalingrad from this time (the Yak-9 didn't appear until November).

 

The early La5 was a little problematic, it had the usual teething problems of a new engine type but it was very powerful, somewhere between a Hawker Typhoon and an Fw190A at low altitude, which for outright grunt and airframe performance really trumped the Me109F/G on all counts. But the German a/c were far more refined and their pilots were ridiculously experienced and highly skilled. The fact Wilcke had downed 30 enemy a/c himself in one month is no exaggeration, most of them the La5 and he was the fighter divisional commander who was supposed to be spending most of his time behind a desk! Plus the altitude performance of the Me-109 is truly exceptional in the midwar period, where all the fighters in Soviet service start running out of any real teeth by 4000 metres, the Me-109G-2 has its top speed at around 7000 metres and handles as well in the vertical as it does horizontally.

If the fliegerexperte knew to get some air under his wings and draw the enemy into a sustained climb, he had some pretty good advantages to work with, but the situation kinda sucked considering close army support was the flavour of the day, which meant escorting bombers at low altitude and being bounced by faster, more manoeuvrable and more powerful interceptors with better initial climb rates and heavy armament.

 

Fresh late model LaGG-3 (serie 34-62) were being sent too, these were still being produced right alongside La5 lines in the factories and some pilots actually preferred them. Auto leading edge slats had been added, fuel quality was improved and the engines cleared for higher boost, and several general airframe and production refinements made, some say the late series LaGG was every bit as good as an early La5 in combat.

But where they were being encountered were among attack-bomber squadrons rather than fighter squadrons, which had their own fighter escorts as part of the division. The LaGG-3 were frequently fitted with the same potent VYa-23 attack gun firing through the propeller hub as the Il-2 Sturmovik, and used among their squadrons as indigenous close escorts.

Fighter divisions, in this case mostly La5 were assigned additional escort duties separately, their job was to actually engage enemy interceptors.

What the LaGG would do is wait at the edge of the combat zone with bombs slung, whilst the La5 fought enemy fighters and the Il2 or Lend-Lease Boston bombers went in to attack ground targets. If enemy fighters broke though to the attack-bombers the LaGG would jettison their loads and jump in as fighter reinforcements. If this didn't happen they would follow the Il2/bomber attack as fighter-bombers and leave enemy ground forces in total devastation.

[The_Catto]

Thanks for that Mach

I have to go back and change that name for Brianna though because I just realized that ... It is meant to be set before Handmaiden tells the Exile her real name..

..Yep, I buggered up on that front, haha.

[machievelli]

Excellent research, Van. Remember as well that the highest scoring Russian aces of that war flew the LaGGs. That tendency is why the highest scoring Vietnamese aces of the Vietnam conflict flew the slower MiG 17, including Colonel Doom.

[vanir]

Oh I've read some absolutely amazing pilot accounts of Soviet piloting in the Leningrad/Lake Ladoga region, in the LaGG-3. Got some nice colour plates of some that had been sent in such a rush from the factory they weren't even painted, had the red stars just stencilled on over the bare wood.

Some of these accounts, for which I think one was the first pilot to receive the Order of Hero of the Soviet Union (posthumously) and also serveral Order of Lenins. One feller emptied his guns taking on a whole escort squadron trying to get at some Heinkels and finally rammed a bomber, I think he took down three or four enemy a/c. Thing was he was a wingman who started off the battle trying to protect his flight commander, and wound up with the admiration of the entire division. Tons of stories like that particularly on that Front.

 

The LaGG-3 was actually a very good fighter, made of solid wood it was very tough and not quite as prone to problems with the cold as all metal aircraft, which I think had problems with separation of the spars when temperature dropped below -30 (the winter of '41-42 saw temperatures averaged only in Antarctica and was the coldest Russian winter in about half a century). But even regular Russian winters, and the fact the LaGG was made in Moscow meant they were altogether well designed for arctic conditions and rough field operation. Luftwaffe serviceability was pitiful by comparison. Even the Yak had metal sparring (with wood and canvas skin sections), but the Lavochkins were all wood, easy to make and easy to service and repair (hammer, nails, resin and a rough file, a farmer could do it in his backyard).

 

Early series had way too much armament, being designed for Moscow defence and tactical bomber interception, as many as five guns mounted in the nose section and firing through the propeller hub. It weighed them down, made them nose heavy and combined with a low boost rating for the Klimov engine only had about the output of a Hurricane MkI for pretty ordinary, early Battle of Britain style performance.

But the Hurricanes received from Britain were worse off, the Merlin engine really hated Soviet fuel quality and was severely detuned, by that I mean only half its positive boost was available without blowing the motor (this is also the reason LL Spits were never as well received in the USSR as the west). And they hated the cold, with serviceability rates even worse than the Luftwaffe. Soviets actually wound up stripping the radios and armoured seats out of many and fitting these to LaGG or Il2 aircraft.

 

Very quickly though, by the onset of winter the LaGG later series was in production (serie 3 onwards) which cut the armament down to three guns (still a very heavy package at the time of two 12.7mm and a 20mm), and this helped performance a little to roughly keep up with something like a P-40M with very similar all round performance a good six months ahead of the Curtiss. The Klimov had a small supercharger like the Allison and Soviet airframes had great alpha manoeuvrability for good low altitude performance in general. It's a real mistake to let a Soviet pilot get a deflection shot under 4000 metres, damn things'll virtually do a 360 on a pinwheel and recover.

 

For high altitude work several MiGs were also sent to Moscow, their Mikulin engines had very large superchargers that started to work best above 6000 metres, but it was a large and heavy motor so they had relatively poor armament (two light MGs and on 12.7mm) so many were fitted with underwing MG pods that further reduced low alt performance. The MiGs were generally thought unstable under about 4000m and didn't have much power on tap until you got plenty of air under the wings. At about 7000m however their ca.1600hp would run rings around any Messerschmitt, Luftwaffe pilots were warned not to engage this model at high altitude if avoidable.

 

Soviet aero guns were also very high quality, all their guns in general are quite advanced except handguns which are ridiculously ineffective calibres for military use (though the 7.62mm pistol ammunition is used to very good effect in the PPSh at 900rpm-cyclic).

The Beresin 12.7mm MG is a very well made gun, at least as good as the Browning but lighter and more robust. It was even upbarrelled to 20mm with no change in weight, to make the most advanced aero gun in that calibre used during the entire war. In 1945 they were tossing 3 of them into the nose of the La7 for the same weight as two Hispanos.

The ShVAK is also an excellent gun for its early war manufacture, every bit as good as a late war licensed production Hispano somewhere like Britain. Better than an early war Hispano and as good as an MG-151/20.

The light ShKAS 7.62mm MG is as good as a Browning thirty.

 

Most Soviet fighters had either two ShKAS and one ShVAK or the ShKAS replaced by one or two Beresin, with the MiG as the exception with two ShKAS and one or three Beresin.

The other exception is that first series production LaGG-3 which had a ShVAK, two ShKAS and two Beresin all grouped on the centreline. Nasty volley.

[machievelli]

Coruscant Entertainment Center

 

The Emperor's Children

bally3000

During the Grand Alliance: a new threat emerges

 

‘The sound of thrusters broke the silence as a YV-929 armed freighter flew out of hyper space and flew towards the Corvette, it slowed as it reached the Corvette‘ this sentence needs work.

 

First, When you’re in space ‘The sound of thrusters’ doesn’t exist. The remainder of the sentence should be ’a YV-929 armed freighter flew out of hyper space and slowed as it approached the Corvette’.

 

Improper word usage; it should have been armor (Protection) instead of amour (Love) we’re instead of were, whole instead of hole, their instead of there, roll instead of role, spun instead of span,

 

Cumbersome sentences; ‘have your weapons at the ready and expect resistance.’. is a given. Having them use blasters to take down the entry hatch shows a lack of knowledge on their part. They make breaching charges for blowing doors.

 

I stopped reading after the first segment because what I found so far needs improvement. The fight scenes were a bit abrupt, but that is no problem. Also you’re jumping around, taking a smooth trip down the rapids into a waterfall or two instead. What you need to do is visualize, lay out the scenes, and above all my favorite mantra; reread, edit, rewrite, repeat and polish until smooth.

 

Vampire: Underworld

Rtas Vadum

 

NonSW fiction: Vampires in New York

 

Gorge instead of gouge

 

Cumbersome sentence structure especially when in first person. ‘A woman who I, for the first time, had the sort of thoughts that only a man would have when he lays eyes upon the woman of whom he wouldn't mind spending the rest of his life with.’ would have been better as ‘For the first time I found my eyes upon a woman I wouldn't mind spending the rest of my life with’.

 

The work runs too quickly from meeting to the apartment then to the slab. The wording was ambiguous in the first segment of part two because we are not sure that he was already a vampire, or had been turned by Lucia. If she had turned him, the one who should be judged would have been her, not him. They speak of rules, yet again, blame him, not her.

 

Conscience Pt.1

Darth_Yuthura

 

Post KOTOR: A murder investigation leads to disturbing possibilities

 

Some improper word usage; lead instead of led, loosing instead of losing, behooved instead of what I would have assumed would be surprised,

 

This is not up to your usual standards, DY. It rambled a great deal, and the only part with the usual punch I expect was the ending.

 

Loss

Bee Hoon

 

No specific era given: Drinking to ease your pain may draw it out more

 

The piece was well done Bee. Keeping the man’s identity secret was perfect because if it were based on the games it could be a male Revan or a post TSL Atton. All we know about him is he must be a Jedi to drink that heavily, and that he misses the woman. A pity you missed the deadline; in my opinion you would have been in the running for winner.

 

Pick of the Week

 

kotorfanmedia

 

The Path Part One: The Endar Spire

Gyrogia

 

KOTOR aboard Endar Spire:

 

From context, I think you meant endured rather than endeavored.

 

Smooth your pacing out. It was fast and action packed, but I had the feeling that I was merely watching over your shoulder as you played the scenes aboard the ship. The one thing I did like was having the first Republic soldier getting killed because the door he had just locked opened, and Turin’s reaction to it.

 

 

When He Remembered

Slave 1

 

One year PostKOTOR: People arrive for Carth’s wedding, but not one they expected…

 

I think you meant requisition instead of acquisition

 

Until you mentioned the time frame I was confused because you referred to Jaq Rand, who we did not meet until the second game and four years later. The piece flowed well but the addition of a new character (Sareth) caused more confusion. No back story beyond her one time rank in the Senate and Jedi order; not even a reason for her and Carth to have met and fall in love. I agreed with the one reviewer that it would be odd for the Council to show up when a few Jedi would have been logical.

 

I also agree that Revan’s sending a message to Carth but ignoring Bastila’s feelings at the same time was callous.

 

'Sweet' Sixteen, Chapter 1: Havoc on the Spire

DarthBubbles

 

KOTOR Aboard Endar Spire: Revan as a kid?

 

The work is a bit generic except for the introduction of the other survivors we saw. Having a private assigned to the same quarters as an ensign was rather odd. Even on a small warship, there are too many enlisted men to have even a junior officer watch just one of them, primarily because both need training to fulfill their duties, and having a private run around the ship with an officer while the officer learns his would leave the private no time to learn his own.

 

Standard procedure on a modern American warship is the junior man (Called a seaman second class) would have been assigned to a berthing area of between 20 and fifty men, and would report to a noncommissioned officer in a specific department. As an example, I was in the deck department, and reported to a 3rd class petty officer.

 

Waiting In The Dark...

A R Minion

 

PostTSL: In little snippets the story is laid out…

 

An interesting way to write. The snippets lay out what is happening in only minute brush strokes, but there is enough to feel the sense of foreboding build until the unknown voices enter the equation. You can feel the attention of these true Sith focusing on the pair that now search their lands, and feel a bit worried for them.

 

Knights of the Old Republic - Prelude

TheJadedHeart

 

Approximately a year after KOTOR: The members of the Ebon Hawk’s crew try to get on with their lives.

 

It’s dying, not dieing. I think you meant delay (slow down) rather than prolong

(extend) searching instead of conflicting, watered or fertilized instead of cured, their (Personal) instead of there (Location) These are all things easily corrected by editing.

 

The basics are good. The feeling of loss with him all alone on the quest well developed.

 

The Joining of Cirn

Gyrogia

 

KOTOR on Tatooine: A new member joins the crew

 

The story is not bad, though there were a few times I was confused. Especially since there is a section before this I must have passed by, so I do not know who Cirn is supposed to be. Without that the character would fit in albeit oddly.

 

A New Tradition

Phantom

 

A month after the Star Forge: When the old code no longer fits, you must make it new.

 

I thoroughly enjoyed this. The creation of a new version of the Jedi code with mingling of both Jedi and Sith but concentrated on love was well done, and both of the bets were even more amusing.

 

Pick of the Week

 

Flowers

Kosiah

 

During TSL: What are they doing with their lives now?

 

The change of who and what the four main characters are was interesting. Having Carth and Bastila married was fun but Canderous as a florist; even if the plants have a high acidic content in their sap? But Revan as the equivalent of a long haul trucker and now paunchy was too much.

 

Pick of the Week

[Bee Hoon]

Thanks mach! I blame my procrastinating self

[machievelli]

Coruscant Entertainment Center

 

Curse of the Star Forge

Agincourt

 

Post KOTOR: The resurrected Dark Lord begins his conquest

 

Some cumbersome sentences. ‘Although it hit the wall where Vrook had been standing in front of,’ would have been better as ‘Although it hit the wall where Vrook had been standing,’. That being said, all in all it was an excellent first attempt.

 

The one thing I have consistently hated about Star Wars has been that the bad guys are always completely bad. So irredeemably evil that even Jedi can’t see ways to redeem them. Anakin goes from fearing for Padme’s life to slaughtering children. From loving her to trying to murder her. In KOTOR you don’t even have the chance to redeem Malak, it’s only kill or be killed.

 

I considered this; assume Padme dies giving birth. Obi Wan hides the children, but then, contacts Vader meets him alone, then tells him the truth, but only that Padme died at his hands, and there are children. Instead of spending eighteen to twenty odd years crushing resistance, could he, the same man who gave his life to save his now adult son, have continued on that course? Could he have been redeemed then?

 

Welcome to the forum. What I say next has rarely been said to someone on their first attempt.

 

Pick of the Week.

 

Mission Vao's Birthday Bash

Chevron 7 locke

 

KOTOR on Manaan: A birthday party is thrown for the youngest crew member.

 

Tys was right, I did laugh at this one. Picturing Bastila drunk and wanting a bed time story, the comments from everyone on the stone, all were choice and fit the characters.

 

For just a moment, I was considering that the message stone might have been a form of holocron, so I also pictured this little voice in the back ground plaintively saying; ‘Ow, ow, ow, will you please stop cutting at me?’.

 

Pick of the Week

 

Mandalore Wars: The Four Jedi Generals

Ashnan Corri

 

PreKOTOR: The people who would later lead the Republic forces gather.

 

It’s wary (alert) instead of weary (Tired). The reaction of the Master when he heard that Revan had gone to see the holocron felt a bit off, as if he were indifferent.

 

The characterization is good if a bit stilted. Your name sake isn’t even noticed until he and Alek square off. Of them all, only he seems to be the voice of reason.

 

How to Suckceed at Chess Without Really Trying

Tysyacha

 

NonSW: A lighter side view of chess.

 

I always like Terri Pratchett’s take on chess best. In one of this book, a character commented mentally that if all the pawns worked together, the board would be a Republic in eight moves.

 

2112

Alkonium

 

NonSW: The world suddenly faces music again

 

As far as scripting goes it flowed well, but there wasn’t enough of the drab world you’re trying to change to get a feel for it.

 

Overclocked

Tysyacha

 

PreKOTOR: Dvyx faces Master Vrook

 

It was interesting looking into the head of a student fighting a master and wishing she could win. She came across as a bit whiny, worrying more about the fairness of the bout than anything else at that time. Since we never heard the call to cease, I was left wondering if Vrook had called it so he wouldn’t lose, rather than because he was done.

 

kotorfanmedia

 

Light Side Female Exile

 

Catching up the past

Shade

 

Remember conversation breaks. You used scow (old decrepit boat) when I think you meant cow. Changed tense by using surprise instead of surprised. It’s get brainwashed not got brainwashed, Preventing (Stop) instead of Prevending (Before sales)

 

That being said, when I saw the comment about translating in your head, I understand some of the mistakes above. As I told another young writer a couple of years ago, I don’t speak a second language well enough to try to write in them. On the whole the work is pretty good. It’s been a long time since I have seen a fiction work in third person, so it was a refreshing change.

 

A Jedi, or Something Like It

Obaona

TSL en route from Nar Shadaa to Onderon: Atton grows in his use of the Force with a gentle hand.

 

I think you meant I promise you that much instead of I swear you that much. When you said individual I think you meant sentient or alive. Attuned instead of attune.

 

The piece is a quiet introspective work, allowing you to see the inner workings of his mind as he grows toward the confrontations ahead. Well done.

 

Pick of the Week

 

You are my opposite

Revan Sama

 

TSL: The Exile considers why she followed Revan.

 

The piece was missed because I thought it was poetry rather than a story. However I noticed that I was mistaken, sorry RS. The play of opposition was well done, showing all od the things that are different, but below that all of the things that drew the woman after him like a moth to a flame.

 

Pick of the Week

 

Dark Side Male Revan

 

The Force Shall Set Me Free

Darth Naughtious

 

PreKOTOR: As Revan confronts Bastila, he finds himself faltering as the dark lord

 

The piece was excellent, feeding us Revan’s thoughts in bite sized chunks. The path he had taken to this point is lovingly laid out, and having him awaken on the Endar Spire is a perfect place to end it.

 

Pick of the Week

 

Dark Empire -Jenesis- Part 1, Glimmer of Hope

KnightOfTheWord

 

PostTSL: With the threat looming, the Jedi begin a frantic search for more Jedi.

 

It’s imminent (anticipated), rather than immanent (remaining within), read out rather than read-up. Don’t worry about it, these are editing problems. James Patterson commented in one of his more recent books that the character saw three different print newsmen make the same mistake as number one above.

 

The arguments were refreshing; The idea that the new council would decide to allow marriages was a foregone conclusion, primarily because few of them had been Jedi under the old order. Yet you can see the resistance from the old guard.

 

The Magnificent Mr. Rakata!

Elwin Ransom

 

KOTOR Post Korriban: Inside the Rakata box

 

I was almost ready to click on by because I tend to detest stories tired too directly to the game itself, but I read on.

 

And I’m glad I did. Having the alter ego of Revan be a version of Peter Griffin from Family guy was choice, and Bastila in love with the dope even though he is a moron was cute. Escaping the box by reloading the most recent save hilarious. My only question is this:

 

Is he going to be dumb enough to try it again?

 

Pick of the Week

[Tysyacha]

Tysyacha comes across as "a bit whiny" because she's young, inexperienced, and scared to death of Vrook. Consider a child: When s/he's totally being beaten at any kind of game and doesn't know how to win, s/he might start wondering, and whining, about if his/her opponent is playing fair.

[Agincourt]

Coruscant Entertainment Center

 

Curse of the Star Forge

Agincourt

 

Post KOTOR: The resurrected Dark Lord begins his conquest

 

Some cumbersome sentences. ‘Although it hit the wall where Vrook had been standing in front of,’ would have been better as ‘Although it hit the wall where Vrook had been standing,’. That being said, all in all it was an excellent first attempt.

 

The one thing I have consistently hated about Star Wars has been that the bad guys are always completely bad. So irredeemably evil that even Jedi can’t see ways to redeem them. Anakin goes from fearing for Padme’s life to slaughtering children. From loving her to trying to murder her. In KOTOR you don’t even have the chance to redeem Malak, it’s only kill or be killed.

 

I considered this; assume Padme dies giving birth. Obi Wan hides the children, but then, contacts Vader meets him alone, then tells him the truth, but only that Padme died at his hands, and there are children. Instead of spending eighteen to twenty odd years crushing resistance, could he, the same man who gave his life to save his now adult son, have continued on that course? Could he have been redeemed then?

 

Thanks, but I really don't know what you meant by that. Are you complimenting that I didn't make Revan the Pure evil Sith that Malak was? I guess I really don't know how I would describe Revan as. A guy who does the wrong things for the right reasons? A decisive warlord like Ghengis Khan? An exhausted and disgruntled individual? A guy in a tight situation only trying to limit what he's lost?

 

My version of Revan has the memories of why he sought the Star Forge in the first place and is trying to use it to help the Republic recover from Malak's reign. After the first chapter, the Republic surrendered and Revan became supreme commander while permitting them to maintain their governments as they were. Revan uses the Star Forge to help them, but is desperate to get the Republic to be self-reliant, except he finds out that not everyone is willing to accept having to live with a communist-form of economy. In theory, if everyone did as he directed, the Republic would flourish, but in practice, he has to deal with people who rebel and resist change.

[machievelli]

Thanks, but I really don't know what you meant by that. Are you complimenting that I didn't make Revan the Pure evil Sith that Malak was?

 

I was complimenting you on doing what I had done in my own KOTOR work; made him as you said, doing the wrong thing for the right reasons. Nothing in life is perfectly black and white, good and evil.

[machievelli]

Tysyacha comes across as "a bit whiny" because she's young, inexperienced, and scared to death of Vrook. Consider a child: When s/he's totally being beaten at any kind of game and doesn't know how to win, s/he might start wondering, and whining, about if his/her opponent is playing fair.

 

I understood that. It just struck me she was whining a bit too much, Tys. Considering how many of your works I have reviewed, how often have I come down really hard?

[Tysyacha]

None. *giggle* I just spent a lot more time on this than I have on other fics and consider it my "baby"...at least for the moment.

[Alkonium]

And mach, about 2112, any chance you're a fan of Rush?

[machievelli]

And mach, about 2112, any chance you're a fan of Rush?

my musical tastes are eclectic. There are a couple songs of their I think I like, if I could remember the titles

[Darth Kalverys]

Coruscant Entertainment Center

 

Curse of the Star Forge

Agincourt

 

Post KOTOR: The resurrected Dark Lord begins his conquest

 

Some cumbersome sentences. ‘Although it hit the wall where Vrook had been standing in front of,’ would have been better as ‘Although it hit the wall where Vrook had been standing,’. That being said, all in all it was an excellent first attempt.

 

The one thing I have consistently hated about Star Wars has been that the bad guys are always completely bad. So irredeemably evil that even Jedi can’t see ways to redeem them. Anakin goes from fearing for Padme’s life to slaughtering children. From loving her to trying to murder her. In KOTOR you don’t even have the chance to redeem Malak, it’s only kill or be killed.

 

I considered this; assume Padme dies giving birth. Obi Wan hides the children, but then, contacts Vader meets him alone, then tells him the truth, but only that Padme died at his hands, and there are children. Instead of spending eighteen to twenty odd years crushing resistance, could he, the same man who gave his life to save his now adult son, have continued on that course? Could he have been redeemed then?

 

Welcome to the forum. What I say next has rarely been said to someone on their first attempt.

 

Pick of the Week.

 

Mission Vao's Birthday Bash

Chevron 7 locke

 

KOTOR on Manaan: A birthday party is thrown for the youngest crew member.

 

Tys was right, I did laugh at this one. Picturing Bastila drunk and wanting a bed time story, the comments from everyone on the stone, all were choice and fit the characters.

 

For just a moment, I was considering that the message stone might have been a form of holocron, so I also pictured this little voice in the back ground plaintively saying; ‘Ow, ow, ow, will you please stop cutting at me?’.

 

Pick of the Week

 

Mandalore Wars: The Four Jedi Generals

Ashnan Corri

 

PreKOTOR: The people who would later lead the Republic forces gather.

 

It’s wary (alert) instead of weary (Tired). The reaction of the Master when he heard that Revan had gone to see the holocron felt a bit off, as if he were indifferent.

 

The characterization is good if a bit stilted. Your name sake isn’t even noticed until he and Alek square off. Of them all, only he seems to be the voice of reason.

 

How to Suckceed at Chess Without Really Trying

Tysyacha

 

NonSW: A lighter side view of chess.

 

I always like Terri Pratchett’s take on chess best. In one of this book, a character commented mentally that if all the pawns worked together, the board would be a Republic in eight moves.

 

2112

Alkonium

 

NonSW: The world suddenly faces music again

 

As far as scripting goes it flowed well, but there wasn’t enough of the drab world you’re trying to change to get a feel for it.

 

Overclocked

Tysyacha

 

PreKOTOR: Dvyx faces Master Vrook

 

It was interesting looking into the head of a student fighting a master and wishing she could win. She came across as a bit whiny, worrying more about the fairness of the bout than anything else at that time. Since we never heard the call to cease, I was left wondering if Vrook had called it so he wouldn’t lose, rather than because he was done.

 

kotorfanmedia

 

Light Side Female Exile

 

Catching up the past

Shade

 

Remember conversation breaks. You used scow (old decrepit boat) when I think you meant cow. Changed tense by using surprise instead of surprised. It’s get brainwashed not got brainwashed, Preventing (Stop) instead of Prevending (Before sales)

 

That being said, when I saw the comment about translating in your head, I understand some of the mistakes above. As I told another young writer a couple of years ago, I don’t speak a second language well enough to try to write in them. On the whole the work is pretty good. It’s been a long time since I have seen a fiction work in third person, so it was a refreshing change.

 

A Jedi, or Something Like It

Obaona

TSL en route from Nar Shadaa to Onderon: Atton grows in his use of the Force with a gentle hand.

 

I think you meant I promise you that much instead of I swear you that much. When you said individual I think you meant sentient or alive. Attuned instead of attune.

 

The piece is a quiet introspective work, allowing you to see the inner workings of his mind as he grows toward the confrontations ahead. Well done.

 

Pick of the Week

 

You are my opposite

Revan Sama

 

TSL: The Exile considers why she followed Revan.

 

The piece was missed because I thought it was poetry rather than a story. However I noticed that I was mistaken, sorry RS. The play of opposition was well done, showing all od the things that are different, but below that all of the things that drew the woman after him like a moth to a flame.

 

Pick of the Week

 

Dark Side Male Revan

 

The Force Shall Set Me Free

Darth Naughtious

 

PreKOTOR: As Revan confronts Bastila, he finds himself faltering as the dark lord

 

The piece was excellent, feeding us Revan’s thoughts in bite sized chunks. The path he had taken to this point is lovingly laid out, and having him awaken on the Endar Spire is a perfect place to end it.

 

Pick of the Week

 

Dark Empire -Jenesis- Part 1, Glimmer of Hope

KnightOfTheWord

 

PostTSL: With the threat looming, the Jedi begin a frantic search for more Jedi.

 

It’s imminent (anticipated), rather than immanent (remaining within), read out rather than read-up. Don’t worry about it, these are editing problems. James Patterson commented in one of his more recent books that the character saw three different print newsmen make the same mistake as number one above.

 

The arguments were refreshing; The idea that the new council would decide to allow marriages was a foregone conclusion, primarily because few of them had been Jedi under the old order. Yet you can see the resistance from the old guard.

 

The Magnificent Mr. Rakata!

Elwin Ransom

 

KOTOR Post Korriban: Inside the Rakata box

 

I was almost ready to click on by because I tend to detest stories tired too directly to the game itself, but I read on.

 

And I’m glad I did. Having the alter ego of Revan be a version of Peter Griffin from Family guy was choice, and Bastila in love with the dope even though he is a moron was cute. Escaping the box by reloading the most recent save hilarious. My only question is this:

 

Is he going to be dumb enough to try it again?

 

Pick of the Week

 

Ashnan is spending the night and he is sitting next to me right now... And he wants to say this, though I advised him against it, but he likes to speak his mind. *cough* *cough* *loser* *cough* *cough*... Ow! He just hit me... but anyway...

 

He says and I quote... "I spelled weary as wary, but it looked wrong to me."

 

Oh and sorry we quoted the whole post, we're on my phone and I could figure how to erase all but his post without taking 70 years to do so.

[machievelli]

Ashnan is spending the night and he is sitting next to me right now... And he wants to say this, though I advised him against it, but he likes to speak his mind. *cough* *cough* *loser* *cough* *cough*... Ow! He just hit me... but anyway...

 

He says and I quote... "I spelled weary as wary, but it looked wrong to me."

 

Oh and sorry we quoted the whole post, we're on my phone and I could figure how to erase all but his post without taking 70 years to do so.

 

It's could not RS. And if it would take you that long, you are less technically literate than myself. It would have only taken me a few hours.