Rules of Boozing

[Mace MacLeod]

Saw this and just had to share. Rules to live by.

 

Rules of boozing

 

* 1. If you owe someone money, always pay them back in a bar. Preferably during happy hour.

* 2. Always toast before doing a shot.

* 3. Whoever buys the shot gets the first chance to offer a toast.

* 4. Change your toast at least once a month.

* 5. Buying someone a drink is five times better than a handshake.

* 6. Buying a strange woman a drink is still cool. Buying all her drinks is dumb.

* 7. Never borrow more than one cigarette from the same person in one night.

* 8. When the bartender is slammed, resist the powerful urge to order a slightly-dirty, very-dry, in-and-out, super-chilled half-and-half martini with a lemon twist. Limit orders to beer, straight shots and two-part cocktails.

* 9. Get the bartender's attention with eye contact and a smile.

* 10. Do not make eye contact with the bartender if you do not want a drink.

* 11. Unacceptable things to say after doing a shot: Great, now I’m going to get drunk. I hate shots. It’s coming back up.

* 12. Never, ever tell a bartender he made your drink too strong.

* 13. If he makes it too weak, order a double next time. He'll get the message.

* 14. If you offer to buy a woman a drink and she refuses, she does not like you.

* 15. If you offer to buy a woman a drink and she accepts, she still might not like you.

* 16. If she buys you a drink, she likes you.

* 17. If someone offers to buy you a drink, do not upgrade your liquor preference.

* 18. Always have a corkscrew in your house.

* 19. If you don't have a corkscrew, push the cork down into the bottle with a pen.

* 20. Drink one girly drink in public and you will forever be known as the guy who drinks girly drinks.

* 21. Our parents were better drinkers than we are.

* 22. Never talk to someone in the restroom unless you're doing the same thing—urinating, waiting in line or washing your hands.

* 23. Girls hang out, apply make-up, and have long talks in the bathroom. Men do not.

* 24. After your sixth drink, do not look at yourself in the mirror. It will shake your confidence.

* 25. It is only permissible to shout 'woo-hoo!' if you are doing a shot with four or more people.

* 26. If there is a d.j., you can request a song only once per night. If he doesn't play it within half an hour, do not approach him again. If he does play it, do not approach him again.

* 27. Learn how to make a rose out of a bar napkin. You'll be surprised how well it works.

* 28. If you can't afford to tip, you can't afford to drink in a bar. Go to the liquor store.

* 29. If you owe someone twenty dollars or less, you may pay them back in beer.

* 30. Never complain about the quality or brand of a free drink.

* 31. If you have been roommates with someone more than six months, you may drink all their beer, even if it's hidden, as long as you leave them one.

* 32. You can have a shot of their hard liquor only if the cap has been cracked and the bottle goes for less than $25.

* 33. The only thing that tastes better than free liquor is stolen liquor.

* 34. If you bring Old Milwaukee to a party, you must drink at least two cans before you start drinking the imported beer in the fridge.

* 35. Learn to appreciate hangovers. If it was all good times every jackass would be doing it.

* 36. If you ever feel depressed, get out a bartender’s guide and browse through all the drinks you’ve never tried.

* 37. Try one new drink each week.

* 38. If you are the bar's sole customer, you are obliged to make small talk with the bartender until he stops acknowledging you. Then you're off the hook. The same goes for him.

* 39. Never tip with coins that have touched you. If your change is $1.50, you can tell the barmaid to keep the change, but once she has handed it to you, you cannot give it back. To a bartender or cocktail waitress, small change has no value.

* 40. If you have ever told a bartender, “Hey, it all spends the same,” then you are a cheap ass.

* 41. Anyone on stage or behind a bar is fifty percent better looking.

* 42. You can tell how hard a drinker someone is by how close they keep their drink to their mouth.

* 43. A bar is a college, not a nursery. If you spill a beer, clean it up. If you break a glass, wait for a staff member to clean it up, then blame it on someone else.

* 44. Being drunk is feeling sophisticated without being able to say it.

* 45. It's okay to drink alone.

* 46. After three drinks, you will forget a woman's name two seconds after she tells you. The rest of the night you will call her “baby” or “darling”.

* 47. Nothing screams 'nancy boy' louder than swirling an oversized brandy snifter.

* 48. Men don't drink from straws. Unless you're doing a Mind or Face Eraser.

* 49. If you do a shot, finish it. If you don't plan to finish it, don't accept it.

* 50. Never brood in a dance bar. Never dance in a dive bar.

* 51. Never play more than three songs by the same artist in a row.

* 52. Your songs will come on as you're leaving the bar.

* 53. Never yell out jukebox selections to someone you don't know.

* 54. Never lie in a bar. You may, however, grossly exaggerate and lean.

* 55. If you think you might be slurring a little, then you are slurring a lot. If you think you are slurring a lot, then you are not speaking English.

* 56. Screaming, “Someone buy me a drink!” has never worked.

* 57. For every drink, there is a five percent better chance you will get in a fight. There is also a three percent better chance you will lose the fight.

* 58. Fighting an extremely drunk person when you are sober is hilarious.

* 59. If you are broke and a friend is “sporting you”, you must laugh at all his jokes and play wingman when he makes his move.

* 60. If you are broke and a friend is “making sport of you”, you may steal any drink he leaves unattended.

* 61. Never rest your head on a table or bar top. It is the equivalent of voluntarily putting your head on a chopping block.

* 62. If you are trading rounds with a friend and he asks if you're ready for another, always say yes. Once you fall out of sync you will end up buying more drinks than him.

* 63. If you're going to hit on a member of the bar staff, make sure you tip well before and after, regardless of her response.

* 64. The people with the most money are rarely the best tippers.

* 65. Before you die, single-handedly make one decent martini.

* 66. Asking a bartender what beers are on tap when the handles are right in front of you is the equivalent of saying, “I'm an idiot.”

* 67. Never ask a bartender “what's good tonight?” They do not fly in the scotch fresh from the coast every morning.

* 68. If there is a line for drinks, get your goddamn drink and step the hell away from the bar.

* 69. If there is ever any confusion, the fuller beer is yours.

* 70. The patrons at your local bar are your extended family, your fathers and mothers, your brothers and sisters. Except you get to sleep with these sisters. And if you're really drunk, the mothers.

* 71. It's acceptable, traditional in fact, to disappear during a night of hard drinking. You will appear mysterious and your friends will understand. If they even notice.

* 72. Never argue your tab at the end of the night. Remember, you're hammered and they’re sober. It's akin to a precocious five-year-old arguing the super-string theory with a physicist. 99.9% of the time you're wrong and either way you're going to come off as a jackass.

* 73. If you bring booze to a party, you must drink it or leave it.

* 74. If you hesitate more than three seconds after the bartender looks at you, you do not deserve a drink.

* 75. Beer makes you mellow, champagne makes you silly, wine makes you dramatic, tequila makes you felonious.

* 76. The greatest thing a drunkard can do is buy a round of drinks for a packed bar.

* 77. Never preface a conversation with a bartender with “I know this is going to be a hassle, but . . .”

* 78. When you’re in a bar and drunk, your boss is just another guy begging for a fat lip. Unless he’s buying.

* 79. If you are 86’d, do not return for at least three months. To come back sooner makes it appear no other bar wants you.

* 80. Anyone with three or more drinks in his hands has the right of way.

* 81. If you’re going to drink on the job, drink vodka. It’s the no-tell liquor.

* 82. There’s nothing wrong with drinking before noon. Especially if you’re supposed to be at work.

* 83. The bar clock moves twice as fast from midnight to last call.

* 84. A flask engraved with a personal message is one of the best gifts you can ever give. And make sure there’s something in it.

* 85. On the intimacy scale, sharing a quiet drink is between a handshake and a kiss.

* 86. You will forget every one of these rules by your fifth drink.

[Davinq]

I've forgotten all these rules after my 0th drink. That list is huge! Nice find mate.

[SilentScope001]

Kids, this is why you should never drink. You'll get an hangover from trying to memorize these rules.

[Inyri]

It's not important if you just always plan for that 5th drink. Those are the fun ones anyway...

[Jae Onasi]

If you're camping....

 

1. The laws of physics are altered after your blood alcohol level reaches .0drunk. Formerly flat pathways suddenly develop inclines. Straight sidewalks develop curves.

2. If you fall flat on your face on the ground in front of someone, the excuse "I was prostrating myself at your feet" only works in Renaissance re-enactment groups.

3. Porta-johns are dark at night. They are even darker after you are drunk. I don't know why. It's just that way.

4. Always bring a flashlight with you in the dark in case you have to use the porta-john. Tie it to your beer stein if you have to in order to remember to take it with.

5. You are allowed to perform for your drinks in a bardic circle, but not more than 3 songs. Then move on to another camp.

6. The breakfast of champions is Pop-Tarts and Diet Pepsi, not Pop-Tarts and a can of the 'case-for-three-bucks' beer.

7. There is a 2-drink maximum at any camp you visit.

8. It is bad form to throw up on someone else's tent or on the seat of a portajohn.

9. If you visit other camps, make sure to have enough beer or other drink the next night when they come to visit you.

10. Camping-drinking is more fun in a. a group and b. with belly-dancers, especially the male version.

11. When someone claims you've eaten a bug, tell them it can't be because it tastes like chicken.

12. You may not take the last cold beer out of the cooler if there will not be enough time for other beer to cool down before the owner returns.

[Totenkopf]

10. Camping-drinking is more fun in a. a group and b. with belly-dancers, especially the male version.

 

More partial to the fairer sex on this one. Guess we'll have to agree to disagree...

 

 

Mace, I knew there was a reason (well, 86 really, I guess) that I never got too caught up in the boozing.....

[Mike Windu]

Hm. That's far too many rules. I'll just try to refrain from boozing too much.

[REDJOHNNYMIKE]

Becoming an alcoholic is more expensive than getting into degreasers....

just throwing that out there...

[spinkle]

Becoming an alcoholic is more expensive than getting into degreasers....

just throwing that out there...

 

 

It's not a cheap hobby IF you develop taste. There are very easy, inexpensive (and largely horrible tasting) ways to get ****faced if that's the only goal.

 

"34. If you bring Old Milwaukee to a party, you must drink at least two cans before you start drinking the imported beer in the fridge."

 

Doesn't really apply to Old Mil, which--at the price point--is surprisingly palatable. However, Milwaukee's Best? It's got a 2-shudder-per-sip ratio =(

[Darth InSidious]

Appendix:

 

* Addendum to #19: Do not do this with wine. Ever. Ever.

* Never attempt to sabre the bottle of champagne you've been saving for the endo f the evening. It will all end in tears. And broken glass. And wasted champagne.

[Rogue15]

i had my first drink last month, most those rules are b.s. some people take drinking way too ****ing seriously.

[HerbieZ]

I initially thought the same as you Rogue but let me say that if ever a girl does catch you drinking a blue WKD. You will be going home alone.

[spinkle]

the hell is WKD?

[HerbieZ]

the hell is WKD?

 

It's a drink. A blue drink. A girly drink. And i drank it before i discovered the best thing to come out of America: Budweiser.

[spinkle]

It's a drink. A blue drink. A girly drink. And i drank it before i discovered the best thing to come out of America: Budweiser.

 

 

Oh, dear sweet jesus. You have no idea how horrifyingly bad Budeweiser is in the US.

[Jae Onasi]

Rule Number 1 should be: Do NOT, under any circumstances EVER drink "Strawberry Surprise".

 

If you do, be prepared for much hacking and coughing and water streaming out of your eyes as the taste buds say "WTH WAS THAT?" This is followed by everyone in the know howling laughing, and at some point someone will say "The surprise is, there's no strawberries!!"

It's Everclear mixed with habanero pepper juice.

[Rogue15]

I initially thought the same as you Rogue but let me say that if ever a girl does catch you drinking a blue WKD. You will be going home alone.

 

*shrug* i had a blue kamikaze (pure alcohol or so i was told) is that the same? and i drank coke and rum/captain morgan mixed with coke. those are ok.

 

now, if i wanted a girl going home w/ me, I wouldn't be the one drinking.

[HerbieZ]

Lol i would, im more chatty when im drunk.

[Bimmerman]

Oh, dear sweet jesus. You have no idea how horrifyingly bad Budeweiser is in the US.

 

Amen to that. Americans do not make good beer. I am an american. I drink german beer. 'Nuff said.

[Quanon]

Yikes , all those rules , darn no idea you had to do a test

 

DUVEL all the way !!! No wait Hoegaarden all the way , ... no wait , Grimbergen all the way !!! ... no wait ... Leffe all the way ... no wait ...

 

Goes of the list of all his favorite beers in Belgium

 

And never mix with Jenever , oh noo .

[Mace MacLeod]

Addendum:

 

--tipping with loose change is acceptable if you pay as you go. ie: if your drink costs $4.50 and you slip the waitress/bartender a fiver and he/she slides back two quarters, no one will ever fault you for putting the 50 cents into the tip jar. As a general rule, I only run a tab if I'm going to hold it for a few days. Other than that, I pay as I go so that I can wander off whenever I want and not inadvertently leave an unpaid bar tab behind.

 

--Drinking Budweiser or Coors Lite anywhere in continental North America is only acceptable for those aged 18-22. Anyone older knows they're both basically urine.

 

--Moving from light lagers to dark ales or wine is a sign of maturity akin to graduation or getting your first driver's license.

 

--If you're hammered and you still have to squint at the woman/man/girl/boy who's been coming on to you for the last few hours to find them attractive enough to sleep with, for GOD'S sake, go home alone.

 

--Arguing with bartenders, waitresses or bouncers is much akin to arguing with the moderators or admins here about deleted posts. There's SFA you can do once they've made their minds up, and also these people with recognize you in the flesh later on. Tread with caution.

 

--Whiskey before beer, all clear. Beer before whiskey, always risky.

[tk102]

Amen to that. Americans do not make good beer. I don't drink good American beer. I am an american. I drink german beer. 'Nuff said.

 

Fixed.

 

Drinking Budweiser or Coors Lite anywhere in continental North America is only acceptable for those aged 18-22. Anyone older knows they're both basically urine.

Ah, wisdom.

 

Cross-reference to the old beer thread where we mentioned this issue once before.

 

And for the beer snobs wannabes: http://www.ratebeer.com

[mimartin]

Addendum: --If you're hammered and you still have to squint at the woman/man/girl/boy who's been coming on to you for the last few hours to find them attractive enough to sleep with, for GOD'S sake, go home alone.

 

Truer words have never been written here.

 

Coors lite is never acceptable. Might as well drink a bottle water, it usually cheaper and will get you just as drunk.

 

America does produce a few good beers, but they’re few and far between. Some of the microbrews are very good. I’m also partial to Shiner Beers. I enjoy Australian beer, the problem is you can only find Foster around here and it is bottled here.

[Mace MacLeod]

^^^You have to dig, but generally the microbrews will always be the better choice over anything big business-y. I, for example, refuse to drink anything by Labbatt's or Molson regardless of patriotism issues. Smaller, local breweries always produce better product than anything made by the big boys of North American brewing, imho. Okanagan Springs Pale Ale ftw.

 

Although, it should be noted that climate and environment always factor in to a proper beer choice. If you're on the beach in the blazing sun, watching all the little hotties cruise by in their bikinis, Mexican beer like Corona or Sol is the only viable option short of a bucket of margaritas. Well, I guess any well-made expensive light lager would do as long as it's microbrew or imported. Conversely, when it's winter and you're wearing three shirts under your sweater, dark ales like Guiness or Murphy's really come into their own.

 

*edit*

BONUS: Cocaine addict mind puzzler.

Go up to a cocaine addict at a bar/party and say the following really quickly: "Okay, I'm only going to say this once. That guy over there Mel has a whole pile of coke on him, but if you ask him about it, he'll deny it and I'll deny I ever said anything. See you later, pal."