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Thing Vader would NEVER say....


Carbon_sleeper

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Not sure how well this actually fits in here, but it does sound like some things Vader would never say. Not to mention it's funny as all hell :D

 

A furious light sabre duel is under way. DARTH VADER is backing LUKE SKYWALKER toward the end of the gantry. A quick move by Vader, chops off Luke's hand! It goes spinning off into the ventilation shaft. Luke backs away. He looks around, but realizes there's nowhere to go but straight down.

 

Darth Vader: "Obi Wan never told you what happened to your father."

 

Luke: "He told me enough! He told me you killed him!"

 

Darth Vader: "No! I am your father!"

 

Luke: "No, it's not true! It's impossible."

 

Darth Vader: "Search your feelings; you know it to be true."

 

Luke: "NO!"

 

Darth Vader: "Yes, it is true and you know what else? You know that brass droid of yours?"

 

Luke: "Threepio?"

 

Darth Vader: "Yes, Threepio, I built him when I was seven years old."

 

Luke: "No."

 

Darth Vader: "Seven years old? And what have you done? Look at yourself, no hand, no job, and couldn't even levitate your own ship out of the swamp."

 

Luke: "I destroyed your precious Death Star!"

 

Darth Vader: "When you were 20! When I was 10, I single-handedly destroyed a Trade Federation Droid Control ship!"

 

Luke: "Well, it's not my fault."

 

Darth Vader: "Oh, here we go. 'Poor me, my father never gave me what I wanted for my birthday, boo hoo, my daddy's the Dark Lord of the Sith ... waahhh wahhh!'"

 

Luke: "Shut up."

 

Darth Vader: "You're a slacker! By the time I was you're age, I had exterminated the Jedi knights!"

 

Luke: "I used to race my T-16 through Beggar's Canyon!"

 

Darth Vader: "Oh, for the love of the Emperor, 10 years old, winner of the Boonta Eve Open. Only human to ever fly a Pod Racer, right here baby!

 

Luke looks down the shaft. Takes a step toward it.

 

Darth Vader: "I was wrong. You're not my kid. I don't know whose you are, but you sure ain't mine."

 

Luke takes a step off the platform, hesitates, then plunges down the shaft.

 

 

Darth Vader looks after him.

 

Darth Vader: "And get a haircut!"

 

 

:D

 

EDIT : I can't quite remember where I got it from, but it's around the net in a few places. Try a google search for "The Empire Strikes Back (real ending)"

 

EDIT EDIT : Found one Click me... click me...

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Vader: God... This Imperialistic white, black and grey decor just doesnt do it for me anymore....

Admiral Ozel, prepare the ship and set course for Homebase.... And inform Ikea that I shall be ariving shortly....

 

 

Anakin Skywalker away from Padme for too long: So I cant even use Force Grip for THAT! But... whats so disturbing about doing that.... Yes Master Windu caught me, but it not like I was in the library doing it...

 

 

Vader to Emperor - DUDE! Look - I know this GREAT little place for moisturiser....

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  • 3 weeks later...

To Palpatine: Hey, you. Me. Your Throne room. No one will know. :D

 

To Luke: You know, for being my daughter, Leia is kind of hot for the 70's and 80's.

 

To Leia: You are a part of the Rebel alliance. and a traitor. Take here way!!! to my quarters for later tonight(and don't forget the slave bikini used on Tattooine:D

 

To Obi-wan: When we last met, I was but an apprentice, now I am the master. But, how do you get it up so fast... THE LIGHTSABER...

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  • 2 weeks later...

Palpatine to Vader: Tell Me MORE!!!

 

Vader: NO! I Can't and I Won't!

 

Palpatine(Lightning glows on fingertips): TELL ME!!!!

 

Vader: OK, if your going to wine about it.(Sighs) Two Jedi walk into this canteena........

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Vader: You know what, I'm tired of being the bad guy, let's go help the Gay And Lesbian Rights Movement.

 

Vader: Do you happen to have any Grey Poupon

 

Vader: Where's my fighter?

(pan to Vader Fighter leaping to hyperspace with Palpatine inside)(little inside joke to those X-men 2000 Fans)

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  • 5 months later...

vader: does my bum look big in this?

luke: no.. but your head does

 

 

vader: "join me and together we will rule the galaxy.. plus we could do some serious damage in the father/son sack race"

 

 

vader: "obi-wan! my old friend, how are you? care for some tea?"

 

 

vader: "the circle is complete, now i am the master"

obi-wan "only the master of evil darth"

vader: "now why would you say that?.. thats just mean! so i've made some bad choices over the years *sniff* everyone makes mistakes *sniff* i'm still human *sniff* i still have feelings!"

*throws down lightsaber and runs off crying*

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Battle of Yavin, ANH.

x-wings make their run on the death star...

biggs: they're coming in too fast, i can't shake em!

luke: hold on, biggs!

*vader blows biggs to pieces*

vader: now this is podracing!

 

 

In the emperor presence, various occasions...

vader: your lack of face is disturbing.....

 

 

 

on the executor, in the hoth system...

ozzel: ah, my lord. we've just come out of lightsp-

vader: u have failed me for the last time, admiral. captain piett?

piett: u killed him!

vader: sith happens.

 

 

on bespin, in cloud city....

vader: captain solo! i loved you in the indiana jones series!

 

 

on the forest moon, with luke....

vader: ah, i see you have constructed a new lightsaber. tell me, which way do the batteries go in?

 

at a bar, trying to pick up some chicks.....

vader: hey, baby, why don't you bend over and let me see your dark side?

 

 

ooooooooh....that was bad....

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*Gasp* I cant breath in this thing!

 

I forgive you Captain Needa, nobodys perfect.

 

Luke...Son, come with me...please?...Cmon...really Im not foolin...Ill be a good dad. Well fine! Be that way! Go talk to your precious old dead Ben all the time! I dont need you! I got an old wrinkly Sith at home who cares about me. Yeah, he even gave me my own star ship! What do ya think of that?! Huh, stupid kid!

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