hey is this good?

[SeleneRayne]

hey there. I'm doing this project for English about writing a series of poems, and here's one that I did. I want to know what you guys think about it, please! Okey here goes,

 

*Fearless*

 

To feel the summer wind,

to feel the freedom within.

To feel it fly away,

on a beautiful sunny day.

To know I am unbound with you,

now and forever, just us two.

To feel your hair in the summer breeze,

to feel the air flowing in the sand and trees.

I look at you and I can see,

the one who holds the key to me.

I know now what I always wanted,

our freedom, together, forever, undaunted.

[-=DarkZero=-]

Not bad, but it's missing a bit of feeling for me, and poetry's all about feeling.

 

Hell, whatever works.

[TiE23]

*Claps hands* That was pretty good, better than that stupid Emily Dickinson

and correct the typo at the end there.

 

TiE

[Pie™]

That's pretty good, but I happen to like my poetry depressive and dark

 

 

-Pie, who's currently reading Poe

[-=DarkZero=-]

Originally posted by Pie™

That's pretty good, but I happen to like my poetry depressive and dark

 

 

-Pie, who's currently reading Poe

 

EAP is..was a wicked writer, I was a hudge fan of him in Grade 9, I was all over his work for projects and crap.

[zoidburg]

coming from an award winning poet (4th grade, got a candy!!!) that is pretty good i remember my english teacher he was a little "different" he made us make a book of fifty poems half of which had to be origanal and we had to dedicate it to someone in the school it sucked but that was two years ago.......bla bla bla bla bla oh i was rambling i stop now.

[MennoniteHobbit]

*claps*

 

Nice poem. No suggestions here. Coincidentally, one of my English writing pieces due in two weeks, is writing poetry.

[--ZeeMan--]

it sounded good i don't really like poetry so if it at least sounds like it flows i consider it good

[ET Warrior]

I like it

 

 

The only time I've ever written poetry was in AP English, last year, and I occasionaly write poems for my girlfriend because she likes it.

[obi]

My poems usually end up in a court mandate to stay away from the person I write them to.

 

To each his/her own.

 

I liked it.

[Mike Windu]

OMG. You guys have taken over my life. I've officially said lmao out loud...

 

YOU'VE ALL CORRUPTED ME!

 

 

Oh, Selene, very good poetry. Try adding a bit more to the poem and express it so that the reader doesn't know exactly what's going on. Being vague in poetry makes it all the better. ^_^

 

Check out the link in my signature if you want to see some of my poetry, or if you want to become a member. I'd love to see more of your work! You got some good skills.

 

Kain your fiance' is very poetic.

[manoman81]

I like it. It flowed pretty nicely. Good work.

[MennoniteHobbit]

Being vague in poetry makes it all the better. ^_^

 

Only when analogies are used.

 

Kain your fiance' is very poetic.

 

I bet you're only saying that because you want to please Kain.

 

p.s. Actually, you should have spelled it fiancee .

[topshot]

I'd say you're pretty good at writing poetry, Selene. It's probably alot better than anything I could have written!

[SeleneRayne]

Thank You guys for the compliments! My teacher said i was getting an A for it!

 

And Mike your poems are really, really great. I like them a lot.

 

Here is another I was asked to write. It's about my Grandfather, I didn't know him well. Brace yourselves, it's sad.

 

Deep sorrow and sadness I feel,

I can't express it enough,

I try to hide the broken heart,

but it is so tough,

I know how it feels,

I've been there before,

lying upon my bedroom floor,

thoughts were flooding through my head,

of all the things I could have said,

and maybe he'd be here today,

but now he is so far away,

I remember what he used to say,

it all seems just as yesterday,

Never told him I loved him,

never gave him a hug,

but now he resides high up above,

I know how it feels,

I've been there before,

Crying upon my bedroom floor,

slowly dying, but still trying,

to hide this broken heart of mine.

 

 

What do you think I should call it??

[jokemaster]

That's very cool.

[Tyrion]

I like yours, rhymes really nice and gives a sense of tranquility(first one). The second one was nice too, felt the remorse of the situation.

 

Anyway..I wrote one too...

 

Ashes to Ashes

Dust to Dust

I began to dash

For luck was bust

Less was known

More was gone

I was aghast and torn

The screaming ton

Of cement and dirt

Came smashing apon

Life had became a girt.

 

Yes yes, I like happy things too..(I'm not tyring to spoil your spotlight, by the way)

[Mike Windu]

Originally posted by SeleneRayne

Thank You guys for the compliments! My teacher said i was getting an A for it!

 

And Mike your poems are really, really great. I like them a lot.

 

Here is another I was asked to write. It's about my Grandfather, I didn't know him well. Brace yourselves, it's sad.

 

Deep sorrow and sadness I feel,

I can't express it enough,

I try to hide the broken heart,

but it is so tough,

I know how it feels,

I've been there before,

lying upon my bedroom floor,

thoughts were flooding through my head,

of all the things I could have said,

and maybe he'd be here today,

but now he is so far away,

I remember what he used to say,

it all seems just as yesterday,

Never told him I loved him,

never gave him a hug,

but now he resides high up above,

I know how it feels,

I've been there before,

Crying upon my bedroom floor,

slowly dying, but still trying,

to hide this broken heart of mine.

 

 

What do you think I should call it??

 

I'd call it something like An empty heart. Something along those lines.

 

Heck, it's your poem. Do what you want with it. We're just here to help.

 

Hobbit-Being vague in poetry doesn't apply to just analogies. You contradict yourself. And ok. I forgot to add an e. Quiz criticizing my posts please. And no, I'm not sucking up to Kain. Are YOU saying she's a bad poet? That's what I thought.

 

 

 

Keep writing Selene!

[MennoniteHobbit]

Are YOU saying she's a bad poet? That's what I thought.

 

Nope. I said she was a good one. I was kidding nevertheless about you sucking up.

 

 

You contradict yourself.

 

How is saying that being vague only in analogies contradicting myself...?

 

I was not criticizing your post...

[Kain]

You're all nuts.

[narfblat]

Nice poetry, vampire. By the way, Kain didn't say anything about the poems, and he criticized the people who said they like it. Hmmm, what does that mean?

 

*cough* he hates it *cough* j/k

[Clemme w/Stick]

The first one is really good.

Good work, keep it up.

 

-Clemme

[Kain]

Originally posted by narfblat

*cough* he hates it *cough* j/k

 

Poetry isn't my forte', actually. Everytime I wrote a poem, it ended up with someone dead or being tortured...

 

Ah, The Candle Trilogy...what a heap of death that was.

[Darth Rythe]

Originally posted by zoidburg

coming from an award winning poet (4th grade, got a candy!!!) that is pretty good i remember my english teacher he was a little "different" he made us make a book of fifty poems half of which had to be origanal and we had to dedicate it to someone in the school it sucked but that was two years ago.......bla bla bla bla bla oh i was rambling i stop now.

 

You stole my award you.........

 

Very nice.

 

((your move Kain))

[Astrotoy7]

Originally posted by TiE 23

*Claps hands* That was pretty good, better than that stupid Emily Dickinson

and correct the typo at the end there.

 

TiE

 

how dare you TiE....! Emily Dickinson's work is sublime and timeless... I carry an ED reader close by at all times......

 

*referring to Selene's first poem*

Selene, I like the tone. It is very uplifting. I was expecting Kains spouse to come up with something dark, depressing and dull....(like him ) The only thing I suggest is to replace the word feel, you use it too many times, it disturbs the meter(timing) of the piece.... (get out the theasurus !)

 

Wind is actually a recurring theme in EDs work too. Often, this was the only sound she heard as she sat and wrote on those many cold and lonely mornings..... She used the images and sounds of nature in an amazing and personal way.....

 

This is how Emily did it :

 

an extract from

Hope by Emily Dickinson

 

Hope is the thing with feathers

That perches in the soul,

And sings the tune without the words,

And never stops at all,

 

Sweetest in the gale is heard

And sore must be the storm

That could abash a little bird

That kept so many warm.

 

I've heard it on the chillest land,

And on the strangest sea;

Yet, never, in extremity,

It asked a crumb of me

 

See, this was the amazing thing with ED, she describes sad things in a terribly inspring way....... good luck. keep writing !

 

mtfbwya