machievelli Posted April 14, 2006 Author Share Posted April 14, 2006 14 April Coruscant Entertainment Center The Mysterious Killer Jedi Knight 707 Against the backdrop of a galactic plague, the few Jedi remaining try to hold society together. The style is good, the basic story a staple of fiction. The characters could be fleshed out more, but that is the only real complaint I have. Rescue from Mustafar Triumph of the Republic and Fall of the Sith Alkonium After a slightly acrimonious discussion, I agreed to review all of these together as one work rather than separately. On the whole the basic idea is excellent, This would be an excellent body of work and a jewel in the crown of the site if Alkonium would edit, and slow down a bit on the action. The description could use some work, but that is polishing. I know exactly what he is doing wrong because I did the same thing before he was born. It took me a decade to get past this because no one was willing to tell me I was doing it wrong. Alar, mercenary for hire Dark Lord Cheez A bumbling assassin tries to remember who he is supposed to kill on Kashyyyk. I wasn’t sure whether to shake my head in shock or laugh. He himself says it’s unfinished, and he’s right. He needs at least a few hundred more pages. What he did write however is very good. The bad guy that can’t remember is not a regular staple of fiction, but when done well, it makes for funny reading. The Galactic Senate Coruscant theater The End To The Sith, Manveru The climactic battle between Exar Kun and the Jedi. The work needs to be edited. The author needs to learn about dialogue breaks. The story itself was too short to judge from, but if I remember correctly didn’t Exar Kun kill master Vodo Baas? Attack on Coruscant Bonestorm471 Just before Revenge of the Sith. The climactic battle of Coruscant seen through the eyes of the Jedi defenders The problem with the piece is the writer is trying to cover too much ground too quickly. Again it is that ‘movie converted to page’ attitude. The piece reads like a series of movie scenes, but fail to capture the full majesty of such an assault. lightsaber battle Dvfurlong No time period given. A battle between master and padawan. The work needs editing and dialogue breaks. The descriptive writing needs work, but on the whole well done. The piece was left open ended, and the author awaits people who wish to direct which way the story will go. kotorfanmedia Old Friends and New Beginnings aphv After the Star Forge. Carth hunts down the woman he loves. The piece is bittersweet, and poignant. The writing style is clean and the scene well thought out. It’s My Life wtftastic After the battle of the Star Forge, Revan makes an interesting choice. There have been few stories written from Canderous’ viewpoint so far. This was one I thoroughly enjoyed. Too little has been written about the Mando way, and the author captured small pieces of it and set them delicately into place. Very well done. Hatred Rhiannon Set between KOTOR I and II. The Exile tastes the bitterness of her lot and plans her revenge. The story was captivating, and again I wish I had the time to read everything every good writer has posted, and not just what I need for a review. This author would be worth the time. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alkonium Posted April 14, 2006 Share Posted April 14, 2006 After thinking about it, I'm inclined to agree with you about my stories, which is why I'm redoing them, with no mistakes, a lot more detail, and a few minor changes to the plot, although the Republic-Yuuzhan Vong Alliance and the human-Twi'lek romance still stand. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted April 14, 2006 Author Share Posted April 14, 2006 Neither of those bothered me as I told you privately. I don't know if there is a genetic compatability issue or not, but since Twi-lek females appear to be built approxomately the same, I see no problem there. As for the alliance, I can see it as a brief thing, because there hasn't been enough time for an actual full fledged alliance to have occurred. However the actions in the story as written would have gone far toward cementing one. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alkonium Posted April 14, 2006 Share Posted April 14, 2006 Neither of those bothered me as I told you privately. I know that, but some people had a problem with the Republic-Yuuzhan Vong Alliance, and I'm betting more than a few people had a problem with the Human-Twi'lek romance. PS: I hope humans and Twi'leks are actually genetically combatible, since you know what happens inbetween TOTR and FOTS and at the end of FOTS. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted April 14, 2006 Author Share Posted April 14, 2006 Most people don't realize that alliances are made things. The attack by the droids would have ticked them off enough to bring out the Yuuzhan Vong, and if the Republic helped, I could see an eventual true alliance rather than joining for one brief operation or campaign. As you genetic comatability, did you read the first chapter of my KOTOR novel? I think a good geneticist would be able to blend the two species sufficiently to produce a child. Maybe the Ithorians... As for the Kamino, I expect a lot of the surviving Clone warriors will follow the lead of their teacher Kal Skirata, and hunt the buggers into extinction. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alkonium Posted April 14, 2006 Share Posted April 14, 2006 As for the Kamino, I expect a lot of the surviving Clone warriors will follow the lead of their teacher Kal Skirata, and hunt the buggers into extinction. I agree, but by 65-67 ABY, all of the clones would be dead, as they'd be around ninety years old, and then take into accound that they age twice as fast as normal humans, so it's not really an issue, plus the Sith took control of the clone facilities in the story anyway. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hallucination Posted April 14, 2006 Share Posted April 14, 2006 As you genetic comatability, did you read the first chapter of my KOTOR novel? I think a good geneticist would be able to blend the two species sufficiently to produce a child. Maybe the Ithorians... Umm.... Ewww..... I feel sorry for your family..... And is 'comatability' how easy is it is to put someone in (or for someone to be put into) a coma? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted April 15, 2006 Author Share Posted April 15, 2006 Umm.... Ewww..... I feel sorry for your family..... And is 'comatability' how easy is it is to put someone in (or for someone to be put into) a coma? As for the crossbreeding, what about Mr Spock, you git? And as for my misspelling of compatability... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hallucination Posted April 15, 2006 Share Posted April 15, 2006 ^I was only referring to the Ithorian thing, they're just wierd.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alkonium Posted April 15, 2006 Share Posted April 15, 2006 ^I was only referring to the Ithorian thing, they're just wierd.... Yeah, although coincidentally, I was originally planning on having Hethra(the only Jedi in the trio who was single) to be married to the Ithorian Republic Officer, but the guy who I based him off of was scared by this, so I decided against it. And besides, the only interspecies woohooing in my story was with a male human and a female Twi'lek, which I think works(if you want pictures, look at JediMaster12's thread Concept Drawings), and I'm not too sure what combination mach did in his story. PS: Although this doesn't come up at all in the story, I was planning on the character of Alkonium Kaltas being the descendant of an LSM Revan by the name of Kale Kaltas. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted April 15, 2006 Author Share Posted April 15, 2006 ^I was only referring to the Ithorian thing, they're just wierd.... The Ithorians are the galaxy's top geneticists after the Kamino Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hallucination Posted April 15, 2006 Share Posted April 15, 2006 Oh... Now I understand... I though you were talking about half-Ithorians, half-something else. *shivers at the thought of it* Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted April 15, 2006 Author Share Posted April 15, 2006 Nah. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sith at Peace Posted April 19, 2006 Share Posted April 19, 2006 Hi I'm kind of new here and I've just started on my first thread, would you please review it as soon as possible, thanks. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted April 20, 2006 Author Share Posted April 20, 2006 Hi I'm kind of new here and I've just started on my first thread, would you please review it as soon as possible, thanks. I will tell you what I tell everyone, kid. I started at the first post chronologically, and have been working forward. It is the only way to be fair. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted April 21, 2006 Author Share Posted April 21, 2006 21 April Coruscant Entertainment Center Try this fic! Revan Skywalker The crew of Ebon Hawk prepare to search for Revan. The style is choppy, needing polishing to smooth it out. The basic story is what you would expect. All in all interesting. A General's Grief Ztalker Set before A Hew Hope. Ben Kenobi must face both the Imperials and another enemy. The author is Dutch and does have some problems with English, though they are minor. As I said of others before, I can’t be too critical of such a problem knowing only the one language. The work is a bit stilted, but part of that I believe stems from using a language other than his own. The primary problem with the work is he doesn’t use conversation breaks, but that is something that can easily be corrected. Keep it up kid! It’s all right so far. Nic and Jana: A Mercenary's Tale starmark2k Set during the Imperial Period. A pair of unlikely associates team up. The story is addictive, and easy to read. The biggest problems are editing and some words used incorrectly (Strait as in tight being used instead of Straight, that kind of thing) but nothing that polishing and reediting won’t cure. All in all worth the time. The Galactic Senate Coruscant theater Star Wars Episode VII, Mission To Jenka numah1fan Set about two years after the Thrawn Trilogy. In script form, and very short, about three scenes worth. Until he writes more, I am not going to comment further on it. Secrets of the valley of the dark lords darth scourge Set as part of the Jedi Medic Series. A young Jedi meets a Sith Lord The style is choppy and there are no conversation breaks, a pet peeve of mine. The introduction was well written, though a Sith Lord who expects total obedience and is surprised if the apprentice attacks him doesn‘t deserve to survive as a Sith. Force Fugitive, An Alternate World Darth Badman An alternate universe tale. Vader rejoins his wife then undertakes an attempt on the Emperor’s life. This is the fourth time Darth Badman has been reviewed by me. Except for the old continued penchant for long convoluted paragraphs, this is a good piece. kotorfanmedia Almost Dawn Allronix A missing scene from Kotor II. Carth and Canderous team up to rescue Revan in This is the fifth time Allronix has been reviewed by me. It just keeps getting better. The End User Strikes Back JediDWH The title says it all. The idea of stepping into a story or game is pandemic. the book ‘At Swims Two Birds’ by Turlough O’Brien had a scene where a writer’s characters get together to assassinate the author. Robert Heinlien’s last three books before his death The Number of the Beast ‘The ‘Cat Who Walked Through Walls’ and ‘To Sail Beyond the Sunset’ were based on characters trying to take control of their lives from their authors. The term end user means the person that buys the program, and having them as a protaganist in the story is like having the author stick his nose in to edit while the charcaters watch. This had me giggling. Turning the cockpit purple to shock Carth, then crashing the code with the character watching were both choice. I wish yet again that I had time to read all of someone’s work. The Way Things Were Amoinete In an alternate universe, Revan goes back into the past to push herself to the dark side. The style is good, the story excellently written. While the subject matter bothered me slightly, I still enjoyed it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted April 28, 2006 Author Share Posted April 28, 2006 Coruscant Entertainment Center Critical Mass HerbieZ A look into the angst of Bao’Dur The piece is short, needs editing, and needs some study of what does and does not happen in warfare. However the internal questioning, the view of the person wondering how his life would have changed if things had been different as a child. That was outstanding. Star Wars: A Broken Galaxy Xbx inthusiast Before the events in KOTOR. When a writer starts to enthrall his reader, the first thing he has to watch for is things that will cause them to trip, removing the ‘suspension of reality’ which is the entire reason for fiction. Xbx did that here when a character was described as ‘the best since Yoda’ The problem is, if it is the Yoda we all know and love, he won’t be born for about 3100 years, since by the introduction, this is during the last few months before Revan is taken down. Or perhaps Revan has gone dark again. That was unclear. Another person who has read it said to slow down, and I agree. It can be fast paced, but if you jump perspectives and characters too fast, you lose the reader. On a technical (Military) note, I don’t think fighters are hyper capable yet, so unless starfighter is a type... All in all a good try, needing the usual editing polishing, rereading, author angst etc. Star Wars The New Trilogy darth traya 321 Set after KOTOR II I assume. The opposing sides search for a force user on Tatooine. First off, the piece is short, so I can’t really judge the style and how well the story will turn out. However there are glaring problems that need editing. First, double negatives. They are almost never proper in a work, at least in English. Second redundancies. An unknown ship is pretty much by definition not ‘one of ours’. Unless it is an entirely new design, the Republic would be able to determine whether it is an enemy vessel. The Galactic Senate Coruscant theater The Duel, Very short story... Zane Marit A very short saber duel. Zane seems to excel at the short piece, which any writer can tell you is harder than it looks. This was well conceived, and well written. A Weapon of Hate, Zane Marit Darth Maul short. A little training scenario. Zane has again done very well. The scene was clearly done, and the action crisp and natural. All in all excellent work. Misconceptions, Journal entries of Thorak Tal Zane Marit From the peasants point of view. From comments made from time to time through the movies and books, the Jedi have always been believed to be magicians, and like the Judeo-Christian stereotype, considered inherently evil. At least to those we would define as peasants. This work is excellent. I assume it was right after the events in Revenge of the Sith because of the actions and orders given to the troops who are still called Republic. We don’t know the name of the Jedi, the woman he rescues, or even the village or planet where it occurs. But it is compelling in it’s telling. kotorfanmedia Provocation Yggdrasil A quiet night aboard the ship during KOTOR... NOT Ygdrassil write very well when serious, and in script form, this is outstanding and funny. It reads like a family dealing with that one person you’re related to, and can’t stand at the same time. 17 readers gave this a thumbs up. Destruction LordRevan The flight from Taris aboard the Ebon Hawk. The scenes are stark and frightening. You can almost hear the bolts striking, the people dying. Once off the planet it went a bit too fast, but it is still compelling. Skin Deep Eliavyn After the escape from the Leviathan, Revan faces what has been done to her, and what she might have been The author says this is a first work, and my question is; Why have you waited so long? I thought the angst period in my own work was overblown, but the author even delves into ‘why didn’t they just fix what was wrong and leave me as me?’ Excellent! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted May 5, 2006 Author Share Posted May 5, 2006 Coruscant Entertainment Center The Journal of General Blise Arvik No specific era given. A Young boy becomes a Jedi Prophet. The story is very short, one short chapter and only half of the second. Beyond the characters there is little beyond the boy’s skill. I will review it if he does a bit more. Star Wars Outer Rim War : Sith Frontline Dark Woman A Young Sith passes his initiation. There isn’t much here, but as she has pointed out, she is working on others simultaneously. The style is a bit stilted, but with polishing will glow. Star Wars: KOTOR - Rebirth urbanknight Eight months after KOTOR II. The Jedi rebuild, assisted by the renewed Exile. The biggest problem with the piece is that the writer keeps forgetting conversation breaks. It is dry reading at the start because after all it is mainly fixing what is wrong. I didn’t get a chance to read very far, all of you that have read my column know why, but it is worth a glance The Galactic Senate Coruscant theater Choices Made Zane Marit Ten years after Revenge of the Sith. A Jedi in hiding must fight to protect her child. Or is it a trap? Zane has always created some of the most interesting story line, and he has done it again. It is reminiscent of the old ‘gunfighter having to fight one last time’ stories of western fame. My episode III parody, Satire of Revenge of the Sith jawaewokgungan A scripted parody of the movie, The author obviously has read old fashioned scripts, and taken his style from them. The writing is sheer satire but there are some choice scenes in it. Anakin dreaming that Jar-Jar dying, and Yoda reply ‘Your nightmare, for everyone else a dream come true’. A destiny changed Zane Marit Begins with slaughter at Jedi Temple (EP III) ends at Mos Eisley Cantina. A fallen Jedi gets a second chance. He made some mistakes, mainly a conversation break was needed and not put in, but that is minor. The story is a short, but excellent. Everyone assumes that all the Jedi died, especially the young ones. Zane has captured the descent of one of them, the boy who answered Kenobi’s question in Attack of the Clones, through the intervening years. kotorfanmedia Shadowlands strict31 The world of Taris seen, through the eyes of a new arrival named Zaalbar. The story is excellent, the plot perfect. Seeing the world through the eyes of not only Zaalbar but Canderous and Calo Nord is interesting. Finding A Way Jiara Follows the escape from Leviathan. Carth has to deal with his feelings for the woman he knows, and the hatred he has for Revan as well. Jiara is no stranger to these pages, and I hope she always has something else for me to see. The irritation of the crew with Carth, the argument in the cargo hold between him and Revan, even Canderous’ laughter and HK’s sarcasm is choice. 31 readers gave it a thumbs up. Add mine. Mandalore Dinah Lance Canderous remembers the events of KOTOR. It starts out a little vague, but as soon as you recognize Canderous’ talking it not only clicks, it flows This is DL’s second time in these pages, and like Jiara above, it just gets better. 27 readers gave this a thumbs up. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The_Catto Posted May 11, 2006 Share Posted May 11, 2006 hey, whenever you get up to this requestm could you possibly have a gander at mine and put your 2 cents worth on mine? thanks if you will eventually, oh well no worry if not Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted May 11, 2006 Author Share Posted May 11, 2006 As I tell everyone, there are three ways you get reviewed. One is to be next up in the queue starting from the bottom. Second is I can review it, send you a copy and post it when we get there. The last is I review it, save a copy, then give you a blow-by blow of what needs to be done to fix it. Your choice, because unless you delete it, I will review it eventually. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jae Onasi Posted May 11, 2006 Share Posted May 11, 2006 Machievelli, would you consider a 'how do I get reviewed' sticky? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Darth333 Posted May 11, 2006 Share Posted May 11, 2006 Machievelli, would you consider a 'how do I get reviewed' sticky? That is one option. I could also edit the forum rules and the other stickies to include something about this. Just let me know what you guys prefer. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted May 11, 2006 Author Share Posted May 11, 2006 Actually oh super mod, it is what is easier for you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted May 11, 2006 Author Share Posted May 11, 2006 and I'm not too sure what combination mach did in his story. I did it when my main character (Female) imagined what would happen if she had bonded with the girl Kalendra. If this worries you read the chapter in question in the first posting. I can see a modern geneticist trying to create a combination of the DNA of two people and even two species, and she was considering their children. The Republic, especially the Ithorians and Kamino could have done it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted May 12, 2006 Author Share Posted May 12, 2006 Coruscant Entertainment Center An Inverse of Stars: Part One An Inverse of Stars: Part Two An Inverse of Stars: Part Three PazaakPrincess Last month I reviewed the first part of this, and since II and III were back to back, I decided to give her the Alkonium treatment. Review all three simultaneously. I repeat what I said before. Edit and rewrite to smooth it out. You are keeping my interest, and only those little things stop it from being as great ride. You started to clean it up more in part 3 and I now am wishing you had done part four. You’re doing good work. Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic: Sith Teachings BastilaShanWeb After KOTOR I And II, As the Republic tries to fight against the Sith, a Jedi Padawan searches for a missing Jedi. On the whole an excellent piece. The only problem I saw was the author knows little of the military, even going so far as to call a converted merchantman a ‘navigational’ ship. This was written before we created the Expert Forum, and I suggest looking at that section. Betrayal and Retribution: Perceived Reality Stingerhs Prequel to Betrayal and Retribution The style needs some work, and he forgets conversation breaks. Nothing a little editing won’t handle and since he himself admits he’s posting without editing, I see no reason to ding him on it. The idea of showing some of the byplay including propaganda is excellent. All we saw in the movies was the build up to the war, then the climactic battle with a three year gap. We never really got the chance to see the political and media end of it. All in all an excellent work. The Galactic Senate Coruscant theater Forgiveness, Anakin Skywalker's thoughts as he died.... Padme-Skywalker The last thoughts of Darth Vader I honestly could not find a thing wrong with it. But... Re-read rewrite, and always edit! There my nasty side is satisfied. There was fulsome praise on the Galactic Senate for this work. I agree with them. Jedi Destinies, The saga from another point of view. JLX-1138 The title says it all. Beginning at Phantom Menace I had only one problem with the work, and that was the text was all done centered. A minor thing and I sent the author a question to ask why. As on Lucasforum where I post most often she wanted an obvious difference in the dialogue portion. There are spelling errors, and some editing problems, but nothing that detracts from the storyline. The biggest problem with any story is any reader with a bit of talent as a storyteller is critiquing how it was done, and seeing where things could have been different. I have always judged a story and the author by exactly how easily I can figure out what will happen next. If they surprise pleasantly (The story does not do what I expected next, but it worked well) I enjoy it even more. JLX did this with me at least twice, so I have to say, Well Done! EPIII Parody, Come in and read, we'll get together, have a few laughs Javen While short, covering only one segment (The rescue of Palpatine) the script is good and the back story funny. In case you like Anakin don’t know the word, ‘immacually’ means cleanly. kotorfanmedia The Watchmen of Deralia JediDHW Briane Moran (Revan) muses on her past. A very well done vignette into the past Revan remembers. I had fun with her molding Gizka out of her synthesizer slush. Faith Allronix KOTOR II, Darth Traya hides behind the scenes, controlling a Dark Exile. Allronix is back for the sixth time showing his darker side with this one. The backbiting tone of the work, arguing with someone that is trapped and unable to answer is so perfect. For Honor Marin Dakari The confrontation between Jagi and Canderous from KOTORI. As a reader I enjoyed it. As an author, this scene has always left me cold. Perhaps I just think there was a more light side way to end it. Look for it if I ever write a KOTOR II novel. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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