The Critic's 2 cents

[machievelli]

darth, Help! edited 3 times, and it still didn't work.

[stingerhs]

just a note: Percieved Reality is not a prequel to the first one. it's a sequel. thanks for the review, though.

[Darth333]

darth, Help! edited 3 times, and it still didn't work.

Fixed! (here and on the website)

 

There was an extra ] in the second url.

[machievelli]

You never answered the question Darth; You want me to write a 'how to get reviewed' postie?

[Darth333]

ok, that would be fine

[machievelli]

All right. My next post

[Ztalker]

Sorry for the slow reaction on my review...i'm in the middle of my exams, i'm working, etc etc...

 

I'm realy thankfull for your review, and positive feedback.

I'm trying what i can to fix my language problem (have to learn for English anyway), and i'm now experimenting with writing down spontaneous ideas, and the like. It realy works for me, and i'll soon finish the Generals Grief fic...after those darn examns ><

[machievelli]

Sorry for the slow reaction on my review...i'm in the middle of my exams, i'm working, etc etc...

 

I'm realy thankfull for your review, and positive feedback.

I'm trying what i can to fix my language problem (have to learn for English anyway), and i'm now experimenting with writing down spontaneous ideas, and the like. It realy works for me, and i'll soon finish the Generals Grief fic...after those darn examns ><

 

As I said, I can't do more than curse in Dutch (Not well) so I cut you slack, pointing just to style. Want to see more.

[machievelli]

Coruscant Entertainment Center

 

Star Wars Ancient Times - The Rain Of Apocalypse –

Jedi Master Alo

 

A dream of the first lightsaber.

 

First, Jae gave some good advice. Mine would be to check your spelling, and stick with one version either American or English standard. Sabre and Saber spring to mind.

The only problem I had with the story really was the comment about a Jedi ‘2 million years ago’. That would make the Jedi as an organization older than even the Rakata Race of KOTOR. I wonder why there wasn’t some record that had been discovered. After all, they know approximately where this tomb is.

 

Now if you had said they’d found a tomb that old with a Jedi sword...

 

Revan's Bloodline

ScieX

 

2000 Years after KOTOR, the Order looks for the newest generation of Revan’s progeny.

 

All right, same drill as always people. Spelling and editing are needed.

 

I agree with several of the comments, in that the story is rushed, and having Jedi arrive on a planet with troops would probably set off alarm bells with the local governments. You mentioned it on Naboo, but think of it this way;

 

Imagine that the Jedi are like the Wiccans. Less than 50,000 all told. Now go smaller Asartu, or the Troth, which is less than 20,000 worldwide, mainly in Scandinavia. Let’s say the Troth members have their own accepted infrastructure. Now two of them arrive in New York with a dozen armed Swedish troops.

 

What is wrong with this picture?

 

The other thing is someone with as much power as you have Ayro showing would have been detected by someone. It’s like a generator that has an electrical fault. It will show up on a diagnostic. The odds that the boy could run around using Jedi powers without being noticed by someone is vanishingly small.

 

Rate this chapter

Dark Woman

 

A Blind child learns of the force.

 

I have to repeat what Cutmeister said here. You tend to have disjointed ideas, and they show when you change perspectives especially. The work needs serious revision of grammar and spelling and requires fleshing out. Also, Melee is a type of fight, not a weapon. All a melee weapon means is something for up close and personal.

 

On the whole the idea is sound. But you’ll have to work on it.

 

The Galactic Senate Coruscant theater

 

Premonitions, Anakin's Story after ROTJ

 

Emperor Palpatine

 

After Return of the Jedi. The spirit of Anakin must learn to understand why he acted that way in life.

 

It is brief, not even a full first chapter, yet I can’t find a thing wrong with it. So I will do my usual rant when that occurs. Edit, reread and rewrite!

 

The basic story is something most people haven’t really looked at. If we all go to the force when we die, must we face the equivalent of being judged for our actions by the harshest possible judge? I am not talking about god; I am talking about ourselves using only blunt honesty. No rationalization, no lying to ourselves.

 

You said you were going to do more (Foot tapping impatiently) Where is it?

 

KOTOR 1.5, Events leading up to KOTOR II

Zane Marit

 

 

As the title states. Three years after KOTOR I

 

Come on, Zane give an old guy a break, do something wrong!

 

This is the 13th time Zane has been in my column if you count by just the number of stories. One of the most prolific by number rather than size. This is a longer work, and it had a smooth clean finish.

 

Sly Moores hair epedemic, Poor Sly

 

Emperor Cos Palpatine

 

Quite honestly there isn’t enough to review, even so far as to tell you when it is set or why.

 

kotorfanmedia

 

After the Storm

NikkiD

 

A different look at the aftermath of the Leviathan Incident.

 

The only problem I had with the story is the pace and tone changed too rapidly for me. Not that this is a bad thing. I would have wanted a little more angst, or less. If you have read my section of this (Lucasforums) you will see what I mean.

 

Some Ships Don’t Mix - KOTOR 3

kitten

 

Revan Returns.

 

Except for a slightly sarcastic tone it was excellent. There was little development of story in this section. No descriptive data except for some of the mess within the ship.

 

This is another one I wish I had time to read all the way through.

 

 

The Exile’s ‘Exiles’

jediprincess

 

The missions behind the core plot of KOTOR II. What the rest of the party is doing when the Exile herself is gone.

Another first timer, the way the story is well laid out and well done.

[machievelli]

Coruscant Entertainment Center

 

KOTOR III: The Wrath of War

Tysyacha

 

14 years after KOTOR II a Team led by Bastila and Canderous search for Revan.

Told from the viewpoint of the youngest member of the team.

 

The style is abrupt, and it looks more like a synopsis than a story. If it is not it has to be expanded, and tweaked. If it is a synopsis, the style is a little wordy.

 

Birth of Darth Hansen

Darth Hansen

 

Set after KOTOR I. A Padawan becomes a Sith.

 

Talk about abrupt! What I estimate would have been four pages slammed into a single paragraph. I don’t know where to begin.

 

First, conversation breaks. It is considered proper to create a new paragraph every time you have a new speaker.

 

A standard paragraph is considered five sentences. Of course the person that created that model assumes a simple business type discussion. In fiction I have seen much longer ones and couldn’t see a way to make the ‘graph’ shorter. The standard accepted measure is the idea. Once the specific idea is exhausted, you stop.

 

The action what I could glean of it, was standard, and acceptable.

 

Shadows and Twilight

DarthSion101

 

In the Interim between KOTOR I and II. As Revan searches, he has recurring nightmares of what might happen...

 

The is DS’s second work, and while short is better than the first. You get the feeling of foreboding in the character clearly. It is short, and that is my primary complaint

 

http://www.galacticsenate.com/index.php?showforum=27&prune_day=100&sort_by=Z-A&sort_key=last_post&topicfilter=all&st=50]The Galactic Senate Coruscant theater

 

 

Star Wars: Letters from the Front

Darth Badman

 

A planned series of letters spanning the Clone wars and the Rebellion.

 

This is the fifth time I have reviewed DB, and this is the one place where his problem with creating paragraphs is actually a help. Letters hastily written by a boy on the battlefield is a staple of history, giving the reader a mere taste of what someone they care about is going through and no parent ever sent it back corrected and graded.

 

He only has two letters, both from soldiers on Yavin, both set during SW: A New Hope. A pity; I hoped for more.

 

Changing the ANH to tie into the PT (satire),

jawaewokgungan

 

Yet another wacky parody.

 

As a writer, I noticed, as have others, continuity breaks. Not major ones, but large enough if you see them. The author went back, remembering all of what happened in Phantom Menace, and rewrote A New Hope. A very funny read, since his main standard tagline throughout is;

CUT TO: Luke is attacked by sand people. Obi-Wan rescues him. He sees R2-D2 hiding.

BEN: Hello there! Come here my little friend.

R2: Bleep-beep!

BEN: (shocked) R2-D2? I can’t believe it. Long time no see.

R2: Beep!

BEN: What do you mean I haven’t aged well?

 

Connecting TESB & ROTJ to the prequels (satre)

jawaewokgungan

 

The third parody;

This is the third review of the authors work, and it is just as silly as the others.

The author took The Empire Strikes Back, and Return of the Jedi, clumped them together, added everything you might have remembered from the new Trilogy, and shook well. There is always some scene in these works that tickles me;

YODA: You are reckless!

BEN'S VOICE: So was I, if you'll remember.

YODA: Hmmm. Again, I don’t think so. Incompetent, maybe. Reckless, no.

 

 

http://www.kotorfanmedia.com/?cat=6&paged=15]kotorfanmedia

 

Source of Origin: Chapter I

siempre

 

The events aboard Endar Spire from a drunken Revan’s point of view.

 

The style is crisp and clean, the story well done, the combat scenes the flashing images you would expect from someone not tracking too well. This is siempre’s second review, and it is the best I have seen from the author so far.

 

Could You Really?

JediDWH

 

During the battle aboard Leviathan; What went through Carth’s mind?

 

This is JediDWH’s second appearance in these pages, and like the first, it is a well done work. The interplay within someone’s mind is easy to do. All you need to do is write down every thought and memory it invokes. JediDWH does it here with Carth trying to reconcile Revan with who he sees. When done well, it is outstanding reading.

 

Red Vengeance - Interlude One: Repression

scythe404

 

When Revan returns during KOTOR II, things aren’t as they were.

 

Part of me wanted to slap Carth myself reading this. I am willing to bet Carth distanced himself from his late wife before leaving for the same reason, but turnabout is not fair play obviously. Revan comes across tragically as someone so desperate to keep her love, that she will deny it. A very angst filled read. This is sythe404’s second appearance.

[JediKnight707]

Do you review one shots? 'Cause I'd really like you to review the one I posted...

[machievelli]

Do you review one shots? 'Cause I'd really like you to review the one I posted...

 

After I went to all the trouble of posting a thread and getting it stickied...

 

I can review it sometime in the next week, and send you a copy. Do you want the full teacher one or just a 'this is what I'm going to say'?

[The Doctor]

I think you should just ignore people who ask for a review, Mach. Let them wait their turn. If they can't wait for you to review it, then they can just suffer. Quietly.

[JediKnight707]

I think you guys misread what I wrote. I don't want you to review it right now, I was just hoping to get your opinion. I didn't mean to sound rude, and if I did, I apologize. I was unsure of whether or not you critiqued one shots, because I was hoping that you did.

[machievelli]

I think you guys misread what I wrote. I don't want you to review it right now, I was just hoping to get your opinion. I didn't mean to sound rude, and if I did, I apologize. I was unsure of whether or not you critiqued one shots, because I was hoping that you did.

 

I didn't take it as rude. I did offer when I first started to review if someone asked, though I don't post them until they come into my queue.

 

Quite honestly, I don't have time to read everything. In fact my reading has fallen to about five books a week because I am studying genetics texts for information on the human Genome for an erotic fantasy I am writing.

 

I will read it as soon as I can, and send you a PM of it. What I meant in mine was did you want me to review it as if i were teaching a class, or just what I am going to post?

[machievelli]

Coruscant Entertainment Center

 

The Jedi Bounty

Dark Woman

 

Set after ROTJ. A bounty hunter team goes after a target.

 

The piece was short, but there were several things I noticed. The work needs serious revision of grammar and spelling and requires fleshing out. The interplay between the team was excellent, but the dialogue is run together, and is confusing when read. The brief combat scene need revision, and I can see that you came into the writing from playing the game because you have the haphazard way of description such as how to lay out a series of bombs that would come with that. This is not a denigration. Some of the books done by TSR press were done by gamers who started writing. Watch a war movie such as a Bridge too far where they have the men ripping loose demo charges, then describe what you see.

 

Keep working on it!

 

Birth of Darth Hansen Part 2: An Earned Empire

Darth Hansen

 

Sequel to Birth of Darth Hansen. Darth Hansen is searching for the Exile.

 

Again the work is shoved together into a few paragraphs. There are no conversation breaks, and the style is confusing. One thing to remember is that it is extremely rare that two sides in a conflict will actually converse except between the commanders where civility even to an enemy is standard. When the lower ranks do, it is unlikely that you would exchange platitudes. It would be more on the level of insults.

The twist of having Bastila’s sister as the apprentice to the villain is an old saw, but works.

 

Legacy of Heros - Episode One

The Doctor

 

Before KOTOR: The young Jedi that will become infamous get ready for their trials.

 

Well done with grammar and editing problems, but nothing that can’t be fixed. There is a sense of the calm before the storm but if you are reading this you probably have played the game so you undertsnd what I mean.

 

The only true criticism is that the slang dates it as modern to our era. I have the same problem in reverse with people using comments like ‘womp rats’ who never even came close to Tatooine. Slang is always specific to environment which is why the Danes have curses about cats but no one else does.

 

I agreed with one of the comments, it looked like a typical English public school, just teaching about the force and lightsabers. Right down to the pranks.

 

Galactic Senate Coruscant Theater

 

The Creeping Fear, The Recruitment of Mara Jade

Galahad Skywalker

 

A story about the recruiting of Mara Jade by the Emperor.

He hasn’t done much on this yet, but the beginning is interesting. I want to see more before I make a judgment call on this.

 

The above was written back in October when i first started doing these reviews. Having read two of Heir of the Empire series, I can see the author had not done so, since Mara’s upbringing was substantially different.

 

Not that it detracts. A pity the author didn’t carry it farther.

 

 

My 1st Fanfic, This is only my 1st attempt ok?

Darth Sadis

 

In the period after ROTJ: Another clone of the Emperor returns to cause mischief.

 

Kid, why are you worried? The piece is well done, crisp and clean. It was a pleasure to read, and the only problems you had were some misspellings and editing. Keep it up!

 

The Rise of the Traitor

Darth Sadis

In an alternate universe where Vader killed both Obi Wan and the Emperor, Darth Vader and his wife raise their children while bringing peace through oppression.

 

The piece is his third by her own account, but only the second I have reviewed. He is not a diamond in the rough, he is a polished piece of work.

 

 

kotorfanmedia

 

Finding Revan

kattalez

 

DUring KOTOR II A Jedi strike team finds and rescues Revan

 

The placement above is assumed, but the skill the writer shows is not an assumption. The style is dark yet draws you in easily. Very well done

 

The Jedi And The Soldier

JRO

 

Alternate reality: A Jedi knight named Revan meets a soldier named Carth Onasi while on a mission.

 

The writing needs some smoothing out and polishing, but it is well done.

 

Atonement

Exile Starrcast

 

After the destruction of the Star Forge, Revan leaves the others. But not without some grief.

 

The style is clear, draws you in gently, and keeps you there. I have been saying this a lot in the last two or three months. Maybe it’s because I have hit a deep rift of first time writers, but here it goes.

 

If this is the first, Why did you wait so long? More!

[machievelli]

Coruscant Entertainment Center

 

 

My Fantasy Fiction

Tysyacha

 

Not star wars.

 

The style needs some smoothing out, and there are spelling errors but nothing that really springs out at you.

 

Shortie Fics!

ForceFightWme12

 

Unconnected Vignettes.

 

My only real complaint little girl is that you tossed them all into one thread. Do you know how much extra work that makes for me? (Grumble snarl Grumble)

The style is good, the pacing needs work. Otherwise, good stuff.

 

Darkness Personified: The Story of Tanith Vessa

wildjedi

 

about 2300 years after KOTOR: A dark Jedi is resurrected in search of vengeance.

 

The spelling and style needs work, but not as much as some. Good work all around.

 

As others commented I thoroughly enjoyed the test sequence where the main character fights someone that looks like a 17 year old, and is soundly trounced. The teacher in the segment is still teaching even when this is the final test, as any good teacher will. Worth a look, in fact two looks.

 

Galactic Senate Coruscant Theater

 

The Jedi's Last Stand,

jedijason91

 

Set concurrent with the end of Revenge of the Sith: A Jedi flees the destruction of the order

 

The story was run together, everything happening too quickly. The style needs work. But it can be fixed easily.

 

Brothers in the Force, Captives of the Yuuzhan Vong

DarthSolo

 

Set during the Yuuzhan Vong crisis. A pair of Jedi captured by the enemy plot their escape.

 

The style is haphazard, but that is an editing problem. The storyline is good, the byplay between the friends excellent. With editing, this can be an excellent piece.

 

 

Xan Gablog, In the Underworld of Coruscant

DarthSolo

 

Set during the rebuilding of the Republic after ROTJ. An evening on the town goes bad for a med student.

 

The biggest problem with the work is quite honestly DS is too wordy. While some concepts have to be explained, DS does it at least three times in the first section to an unnecessary level like a lot of young writers. This is only an editing problem, so it’s really no biggie.

 

kotorfanmedia

 

 

Descent’s Stop

LordRevan

 

During the battle in the temple between Revan and Bastila: The descent back into darkness is stopped by love.

 

The style is clean, clear, and excellent. I’d love to find something to complain about, but honestly can’t.

 

Final Confrontation

JanetFlare

 

Set in KOTOR: The final confrontation between Malak and Revan.

 

The author knows the subject and immediately proved it with the first fight scene. Unlike a lot of people (myself included) that gloss over this, or those that obviously do not know about actual sword play, JanetFlare immediately proves she does with clear concise description. The one fight scene she does this with is so clear I can close my eyes and clearly visualize the moves, counter-moves, and scene. Excellent work.

 

For Identity

Marin Dakari

 

During KOTOR: After the confrontation with Jagi, Revan struggles again with her identity

 

The style is excellent, the subject matter near and dear to my heart. How do you deal with discovering everything you remember is a lie?

[The Doctor]

Kira got called 'little girl'!

 

Ahem. I just noticed the review for LoH. I'll be sure to pass it on to the other players.

[Jae Onasi]

Kira got called 'little girl'!

 

Heh, to those of us old enough to skew the average age of forumites in the upwards direction, she sort of is....A talented one, too.

 

[overprotective mother mode] I sure hope you aren't using her real name, Doctor. [/overprotective mother mode]

[Hallucination]

^I doubt he is, a while ago he called her 'Kate,' so I think she's keeping her real name secret.

[machievelli]

As Alkonium knows, I call anyone under my age (53 next month) 'kid'.

[The Doctor]

Heh, to those of us old enough to skew the average age of forumites in the upwards direction, she sort of is....A talented one, too.

 

[overprotective mother mode] I sure hope you aren't using her real name, Doctor. [/overprotective mother mode]

 

I am not addressing her by her real name, no. I made that mistake only once, and that post has been corrected, I believe.

[ForceFightWMe12]

Damn straight it has

 

Thanks for the review, Mach! Greatly appreciated

 

But as for the age comment, I think I can relate with Mission...

 

"I'm not a 'little girl'! I'll have you know that I'm 14 years old!"

[machievelli]

Damn straight it has

 

Thanks for the review, Mach! Greatly appreciated

 

But as for the age comment, I think I can relate with Mission...

 

"I'm not a 'little girl'! I'll have you know that I'm 14 years old!"

 

 

Noted 'little girl'.

 

The last time a girl that age told me she wasn't a little girl I was 22, she was 15, and it scared the crap outta me.

[Jae Onasi]

"Jail Bait"