Dath Maximus Posted August 23, 2008 Share Posted August 23, 2008 So I've been thinking lately, there arent enough swanky jobs out there in the world, so I researched a few concepts that don't seem to have a huge job basis. And the result was me making several jobs for people to work for. Here are a few I've done so far, more will no doubt follow. Bear trainer Do you like animals? How about people? If you said yes to either both or the first one, than you will no doubt like animals as big as or bigger than people! While still a relatively small job base, the amazing world of bear training is open and ready for you to step forward and work with those cuddly, disturbingly strong, giant carnivores! Essential job functions: • Being locked in a confined space with a large, possibly feral bear for prolonged periods of time. • Disciplining naughty bears by swatting their nose with a stick • Wrestling • Feeding bears by hand • Cleaning up after bears Minimum job requirements: • Elementary education preferred but not required • Love of animals • Ability to curl into a ball and remain still for long periods of time • High threshold for pain • A fully prepared last will and testament • Preferably single Benefits: • Ability to work with the gentle giants known as bears • Comprehensive health plan (box of bandaids) • Discounted fish • Awesome stories • 401k/Savings plan Mime The amazing world of the street mime is ready to take you places, in the quietest possibly way. Do you want the chance to scream your name to the world without saying a word? Than miming is the perfect decision. Essential job functions: • Doing awkward gestures in public • Making clowns look bad • Losing all self respect • Entertaining drunks, hippies, and confusing children and the elderly • Training bears in the art of mime Minimum job requirements: • PHD minimum in performing arts • Dislike of color • Knowledge of the invisible arts • Ability to look like you’re lifting hundreds of pounds • Love of bears • A fan of the hit 80’s band Europe Benefits: • Awesome street cred • Comprehensive health plan (invisible medication) • A hat that may cause others to question your sanity • Bo staff skills • 401k/Savings plan Clown Children and people in general anger you? Why not give them unending nightmares by becoming a clown? Inspiring fear and creepiness is a noble business for those with blackened souls. Be a clown, spread some fear. Essential job functions: • Balloon animals • Making children and most adults cry • Stalking • Ruining all that is good and pure in the world • Cleaning up after clown bears Minimum job requirements: • No soul • Pact with the devil • Love of ABBA • Ability to wear possibly irritating make up • Hatred of people • A small car Benefits: • Eroding the human soul • A cool red nose • Numerous restraining orders and death threats • 401k/Savings plan Clown Assassin The clown epidemic is worse than ever, and Mimes can only do so much to combat those creepy clowns. The world needs you to step up and proclaim “We will not go quietly into the night!” Grab your best weapon, and become the champion of freedom! Essential job functions: • Killing clowns • Inspiring people to live noble lives • Teaming up with Mimes to combat clowns • Feeding bears by hand • Cleaning up clown bodies Minimum job requirements: • Love of freedom • Love of kittens • Weapon skills • Military training preferred but not required Benefits: • The chance to be seen as a hero with possible stories told for centuries to come of your bravery • Comprehensive health plan (everything) • Fame and fortune • Dates with supermodels • Your own movie with an A list celebrity to portray you • 401k/Savings plan Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RoxStar Posted August 23, 2008 Share Posted August 23, 2008 Toilet Tester Essential job functions Love of reading 20 years old Calvin and Hobbes comics. On the john. Ability to consume large amounts of bread Minimum job requirements: Human body Benefits: Never again have to tell someone "I don't have much time for reading" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tk102 Posted August 23, 2008 Share Posted August 23, 2008 Excuse me Dath, uh... a just little correction there. Bears are actually omnivores. You uh... you mentioned they were carnivores earlier and err... I just like to set the record straight for any potential job applicants. They do eat berries and honeycomb and things so... okay. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
leXX Posted August 23, 2008 Share Posted August 23, 2008 Sod the jobs, where the hell are the cheap Nikes? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DarthAve Posted August 23, 2008 Share Posted August 23, 2008 Dath, don't be a clown you will kill kids, I can feel it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TiE23 Posted August 23, 2008 Share Posted August 23, 2008 Internet Shoe Store Salesman (Web Forum Division) Do you spend all day on the internet? Do you have multiple email accounts? Do you know how to type poorly? Are you fluent in English, Spanish, French, Swahili, Chinese, Esperanto, and at least two dead languages? If you answered 'yes' to any three of those four questions, then you can be an Internet Shoe Store Salesman (Web Forum Division)! Essential job functions: • Googling for active web bulletin boards • Signing up for multiple forums and then posting • Discretely and casually mentioning your company's products and websites • Provide informative and polite answers to questions about potential customers • Doing this about 50 time an hour, 9 hours a day out of your own home! Minimum job requirements: • Ability to sign up for temporary email accounts • Discretion when mentioning our products and our website, you don't want to stick out like a sore thumb • "can be speak english good very" • General knowledge of computers and the internet • Emotional integrity when getting banned Benefits: • Wait, what? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Det. Bart Lasiter Posted August 24, 2008 Share Posted August 24, 2008 tie yours was a shell of the original and you should feel bad about it Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tyrion Posted August 24, 2008 Share Posted August 24, 2008 You need a soul to feel guilty, though. Tie sold his a long time ago for, ironically, shiny new Nike shoes. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dath Maximus Posted August 24, 2008 Author Share Posted August 24, 2008 Excuse me Dath, uh... a just little correction there. Bears are actually omnivores. You uh... you mentioned they were carnivores earlier and err... I just like to set the record straight for any potential job applicants. They do eat berries and honeycomb and things so... okay. i banged your mom Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TiE23 Posted August 24, 2008 Share Posted August 24, 2008 tie yours was a shell of the original and you should feel bad about it Seriously? Isn't that the point? To use the original as a template? What the **** is wrong with you? At least I spent the time ****ing sitting at my computer for 5 minutes before coming up with that "job" and then writing about it for another 5. Then what, for trying I get a half-assed diss that really doesn't make any damn sense? Seriously? SERIOUSLY? O RLY? YA RLY. NO WAI! :V Anyway, I wonder if I was special when I caught this... Prnt Scrn'd and F5'd, and it's gone. Do I win a prize? And is it true? *Looks at Dath* Or was this up for 6 hours and I just made myself look stupid? Anyway, just incase: lol, i luvs you jmac, tho rite now i wana smack u Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tk102 Posted August 24, 2008 Share Posted August 24, 2008 Anyway, I wonder if I was special when I caught this... Sweet truth. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dath Maximus Posted August 24, 2008 Author Share Posted August 24, 2008 you know how you can tell that i didnt say that? it has proper grammar Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Det. Bart Lasiter Posted August 24, 2008 Share Posted August 24, 2008 Sweet truth.that stoffe's a kooky one! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rogue15 Posted August 25, 2008 Share Posted August 25, 2008 this thread made my night. esp Tie's post. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GeneralPloKoon Posted August 25, 2008 Share Posted August 25, 2008 I don't care for shoes... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dath Maximus Posted August 25, 2008 Author Share Posted August 25, 2008 I don't care for shoes... well you're a whore, and from oklahoma, and as someone who was born and grew up in kansas, i know how whorish oklahoma is Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nerd_Annhilator Posted August 25, 2008 Share Posted August 25, 2008 I don't care for shoes... Just wait until you have to go outside one day. They get pretty important Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Det. Bart Lasiter Posted August 25, 2008 Share Posted August 25, 2008 what about flip flops or sandals or semen encrusted socks? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nerd_Annhilator Posted August 25, 2008 Share Posted August 25, 2008 well personally i usually wear rubber flippers Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IG-64 Posted August 25, 2008 Share Posted August 25, 2008 Essential job functions: • Being locked in a confined space with a large, possibly feral woman for prolonged periods of time. • Disciplining naughty women by swatting their nose with a stick • Wrestling • Feeding women by hand • Cleaning up after women Minimum job requirements: • Elementary education preferred but not required • Love of animals • Ability to curl into a ball and remain still for long periods of time • High threshold for pain • A fully prepared last will and testament • Preferably single Benefits: • Ability to work with the gentle giants known as women • Comprehensive health plan (box of bandaids) • Discounted fish • Awesome stories • 401k/Savings plan Fixed. Now I'm interested. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Det. Bart Lasiter Posted August 25, 2008 Share Posted August 25, 2008 i was gonna post a picture of some big ugly dyke but my google image search for big ugly dykes yielded no good results so just imagine a picture of a big ugly dyke here. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Boba Rhett Posted August 25, 2008 Share Posted August 25, 2008 This being one of Dath's threads, I was already doing so. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Seeker Posted August 25, 2008 Share Posted August 25, 2008 i was gonna post a picture of some big ugly dyke but my google image search for big ugly dykes yielded no good results so just imagine a picture of a big ugly dyke here. Found one Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kjølen Posted August 25, 2008 Share Posted August 25, 2008 osnap Seeker's treading on some dangerous ice here. Those things are known for uncontrollable emotional outbursts that can leave a male's penal facilities horribly mutilated. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dath Maximus Posted August 25, 2008 Author Share Posted August 25, 2008 This being one of Dath's threads, I was already doing so. me too... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.