knight 12167 Posted October 8, 2009 Share Posted October 8, 2009 About 20 mins ago my parents told me and my brother that they didn't love eacg other anymore has this happened to anybody else? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DrPhil2501 Posted October 8, 2009 Share Posted October 8, 2009 I dont think this is the proper place to be discussing this kind of thing. I'm sorry to here that however. Sometimes parents split up to spend time with themselves, or they just want to move on and meet other people. You'll eventually get used to the big change. But dont blame yourself for your parents actions. Its never your fault. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Canderis Posted October 8, 2009 Share Posted October 8, 2009 I dont think this is the proper place to be discussing this kind of thing. I'm sorry to here that however. Sometimes parents split up to spend time with themselves, or they just want to move on and meet other people. You'll eventually get used to the big change. But dont blame yourself for your parents actions. Its never your fault. QFT My parents decided to get a divorce on my birthday when I was turning 10. They decided not to tell me till a few weeks later (which happened to be their anniversary) It was hard at the time but I am use to it now. Heck my dad re-married and now I have a step-brother who is only 9 months younger than me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jae Onasi Posted October 8, 2009 Share Posted October 8, 2009 My parents got divorced, and I knew it was coming for years. Keep in mind that you were not at fault. They're the adults, they have to make those decisions, and you didn't do anything wrong. I would strongly advise you to contact your school counselor and religious advisers (if you have them) and let them know what's going on. Divorce is going to create some pretty big changes in your life that can be really stressful. Having the support of others around you will be very important in getting through it successfully. Lots of us have been there and survived, you can make it through, too. Sorry you're going through such a tough time. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
adamqd Posted October 8, 2009 Share Posted October 8, 2009 Just make sure you keep in touch with both your parents bud, My parents split up when I was 6 months Old, and I only ever met my Dad once when I was like 10, and I didn't really understand what it meant at the time. but life is what You make of it, and they'll be many decisions made that arent always in your best interests... Chin Up, all will be good eventually. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shem Posted October 8, 2009 Share Posted October 8, 2009 And it's always the kids who get hurt the most in these situations. Hang in here bro. I dont think this is the proper place to be discussing this kind of thing.In a way I agree with this statement, but at the same time it helps to hear from others to get some of sort of support rally to feel better about your situation and making a statement like that publicly is the only way to really get that so that way the victim can hear from multiple people. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
igyman Posted October 8, 2009 Share Posted October 8, 2009 Divorce is going to create some pretty big changes in your life that can be really stressful. Having the support of others around you will be very important in getting through it successfully. QFE. My parents decided to split up back when I was still in elementary school. The divorce was officially finalized a couple of years later, but the hard times began at the moment of their splitting up. Depending on the circumstances of your parents' divorce and potential animosity between them, it may become confusing for you at times regarding how to behave in their presence. My advice is that if it gets awkward, it's best to just go away, either to your room, or to a friend's house, until the dust dies down. I'll finish with one last thought - instead of getting strangers like school councilors and/or religious advisers/priests involved, I suggest talking to your friends and to other family members like grandparents, uncles, aunts, etc. They will be a much better support to you than anyone else ever could. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
El Sitherino Posted October 8, 2009 Share Posted October 8, 2009 I actually think this is a perfectly acceptable place to discuss this. I'm very sorry to hear about this and as yet another member of these boards to have parents that divorced while at an early age in life I can only offer the advice that you remember they are both your parents. For better or worse they will always have a connection to you, though they may drift from each other it is important to remember who you are as a person, and to them, and let this only serve as an example that life will present us with many difficulties. I hope you will find comfort in knowing that you will make it through this time, though it will be hard, and that you will always have people who will care for you. Friends and family may come and go, but you can always count on the fact that at stages through your life there will always be someone there. The faces may change, but as long as you stick to your principles, the content of the character will not. You'll probably feel some anger, and this is acceptable, just remember that what hurts now may later become a story to tell to inpsire the best in others. You'll think back fondly to the way you overcame the heartache and reached contentment. Take the best of this situation and keep that with you, in the destruction of something will come the creation of another thing and often it can be something more amazing and splendid than what originally stood. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
purifier Posted October 10, 2009 Share Posted October 10, 2009 One thing that you and brother don't want to do is to lose contact with the other parent who moves out when the big "D" does finally happen. Keep close contact with that parent, while you are living with the other parent, as much as possible. Reason: It will give you some security and peace-of-mind to be able to move on through this situation early in your life. By keeping in contact with the parent who has moved out, you keep retaining the bond between you and the parent who is not there anymore. It will definitly go along way in maintaining some psychological stability in your life as you grow into an adult. I can testify to this as a divorced father, because my daughter (who is now sixteen) suffers from the illusion that she must seek approvel from other males now. And she is constantly trying to win the favor of any male she meets with flirtatious behavior for the sake of wanting that fatherly love and approvel that she never had growning up. All because there was hardly any contact with her and me over the years after her mother and I divorced when she was 8 years of age. So take a lesson from this one sad example and do maintain a constant contact with the parent who moves out away from the family, don't let up no matter what the circumstances. Keep in touch constantly. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shem Posted October 10, 2009 Share Posted October 10, 2009 I can testify to this as a divorced father, because my daughter (who is now sixteen) suffers from the illusion that she must seek approvel from other males now. And she is constantly trying to win the favor of any male she meets with flirtatious behavior for the sake of wanting that fatherly love and approvel that she never had growning up. All because there was hardly any contact with her and me over the years after her mother and I divorced when she was 8 years of age.Oh, this is a proven fact. Little girls need daddy's approval or they will go and seek it out with other men which usually leads to them going after the wrong kind of man and end up sleeping with them just to get their approval. Any fathers out there that have daughters really need to understand that and do whatever you can to give your little girl self confidence that your approval that they're okay in your eyes. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
El Sitherino Posted October 10, 2009 Share Posted October 10, 2009 Or Batman comics, it got me and my sister by with a strong male role model. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ray Jones Posted October 11, 2009 Share Posted October 11, 2009 I can testify to this as a divorced father, because my daughter (who is now sixteen) suffers from the illusion that she must seek approvel from other males now. And she is constantly trying to win the favor of any male she meets with flirtatious behavior for the sake of wanting that fatherly love and approvel that she never had growning up. All because there was hardly any contact with her and me over the years after her mother and I divorced when she was 8 years of age. Little girls need daddy's approval or they will go and seek it out with other men which usually leads to them going after the wrong kind of man and end up sleeping with them just to get their approval. Any fathers out there that have daughters really need to understand that and do whatever you can to give your little girl self confidence that your approval that they're okay in your eyes. Frankly, this is poppycock. Next thing is that boys who stay with their mother are gonna end up being gay or something? I mean, it might very well be the daughter doing like she is learning from her mother, who might or might not try to find the next man. I have seen mothers changing "new papas" on a rather regular basis, and so does the offspring, although there was a constant contact to the fathers. I know a mother who married a second time 6 years ago and who has a now 15 years old daughter with her ex husband, and she is not anything like "flirtatious", although she doesn't sees her father very often. My dad left the mother of my half-sister and he saw her last year for the first time after 16 years (she is 22 now) and she is in a normal relationship for 4 years now. I know a girl who stayed with her father and she is, well, open minded, so to say. Whatever, the more important point is, knight 12167, when parents don't love each other any more, it doesn't necessarily mean they don't care for each other any more or don't love their children any longer. It really depends on your parents what's gonna happen now, no one here can say for sure. A good thing is that they both told you about their situation, which means they are at least trying to still act together as parents. And you must understand that this is not something your parents decided to do to you personally. I'm pretty sure they had other plans when they got married and had the two of you, and it is not easy for them now, either. It's like Buddha says: "And yet, the world, it keeps on turning." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shem Posted October 11, 2009 Share Posted October 11, 2009 Frankly, this is poppycock. Next thing is that boys who stay with their mother are gonna end up being gay or something?"You know what, go ahead and think that. I just hope you never have a daughter. The fact it not only have I've seen many instances of woman who didn't get the approval they needed from their fathers and how it has affected them versus other woman who did have it and seen the differences in their lives, there have been books written about it. But I don't expect you to be listening anyway, which is fine because it's like I said, I really hope you never have a daughter. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Taak Farst Posted October 11, 2009 Share Posted October 11, 2009 You know what, go ahead and think that. I just hope you never have a daughter. The fact it not only have I've seen many instances of woman who didn't get the approval they needed from their fathers and how it has affected them versus other woman who did have it and seen the differences in their lives, there have been books written about it. But I don't expect you to be listening anyway, which is fine because it's like I said, I really hope you never have a daughter. Well said, and I agree a lot. It's a well known fact. I have a friend who is 17 and she once did the exact same thing - believe or not :/ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jonathan7 Posted October 11, 2009 Share Posted October 11, 2009 <snip> To be hones the psychological data I'm aware of would be in agreement with Shem. Regardless, lets not let it get heated in here guys, this is Ahto after all, don't make me move this to Kavars, or have to break out the whip -- j7 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ray Jones Posted October 11, 2009 Share Posted October 11, 2009 Like I said, I know of many different cases, each providing different reasons for being, or not being, "easy going". It really can depend on many things. You know what, go ahead and think that. I just hope you never have a daughter.Actually, I have a daughter. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TKA-001 Posted October 11, 2009 Share Posted October 11, 2009 About 20 mins ago my parents told me and my brother that they didn't love eacg other anymore has this happened to anybody else? The only advice I can provide, and I am willing to accept the likelihood of said advice being already obvious, are these two things: 1. As the others have already said, it's a good idea to remember that it isn't your fault that this is happening. 2. Don't get depressed and turn into a recluse. If you absolutely must get depressed for a little while, then fine, that's not surprising, but don't stop visiting friends, or other relatives, or whatever. Other people whom you are on good terms with can only help you, and it's important to maintain connections with others; being alone can leave one without an effective outlet for one's feelings, especially negative ones. I know better than to pretend to understand psychology, so I'm going to leave my advice at that. Take it as you will. You know what, go ahead and think that. I just hope you never have a daughter. Actually, I have a daughter. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
El Sitherino Posted October 11, 2009 Share Posted October 11, 2009 To be hones the psychological data I'm aware of would be in agreement with Shem. Regardless, lets not let it get heated in here guys, this is Ahto after all, don't make me move this to Kavars, or have to break out the whip -- j7 Actually the absence or presence of a father is not in anyway important in itself, it's the presence of a strong and consistent male role model. As we can see from the dilemma thrown in by abusive fathers who create "slutty" girls as well. The key is to present a good example of a socially recognized "decent man". Now whether they were implying the use of "father" as anyone can be a dad but only a real man can be a father is a matter of semantics and one I can often agree with. But regardless, a girl can be just as self-confident if she's a nerd with no father and a stack of comic books. The idea is that she develops a strong sense of what a man should be in her life and how they should be with her. If men are in and out of her life as a child, they'll be in and out of her life as a personal adult. If she is raised filtering through the bad and recieving only the best she'll be used to this type of situation and will seek it out in her relationships. It's far too simplistic to assume that simply having a biological father around will reduce her chances of being a bitch or slut, just like assuming having a biological mother around will reduce the likelihood of a son being a douchebag. In fact often times we can see the presence of a biological mother can tend to increase the likelihood of egotism and the psychological downsides it brings. As well, human sexuality is far too expansive a topic to single down directly to the home environment and upbringing. But it's pretty well proven that it's a matter of what the role model is, not who the role model is. Again, mine was Batman (and Obi-Wan/Yoda/Luke/Han/Chewie/R2/etc.), as well he was my sisters. Either way, none of this discussion is in anyway relevant in all honesty. What needs to be discussed here is the role of a child in a divorce. Which is simply, be human and don't be afraid to love. Never let a parent turn you against the other, especially with the promises of gifts and money, often times parents will shower their kids with money to outshine the other parent (look at the situation with Jon and Kate from that ****ty tv show, Kate has all of that TV show money to shower on her kids and that Jon guy has a tractor and a loaf of bread, clearly the kids will find mommy more appealing, granted both of them are unfit to be parents or guardians). Treat both of your parents with the respect they deserve, but also earn. If they behave inhumanely, communicate your dissatisfaction with them, you'll likely hurt often and everyone is prone to mistake, but do make all initiative to not use your hurt to justify hurting them in spite. This will only continue to create tension. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
purifier Posted October 12, 2009 Share Posted October 12, 2009 Oh, this is a proven fact. Little girls need daddy's approval or they will go and seek it out with other men which usually leads to them going after the wrong kind of man and end up sleeping with them just to get their approval. Any fathers out there that have daughters really need to understand that and do whatever you can to give your little girl self confidence that your approval that they're okay in your eyes. I totally agree Shem, I only wish I knew that back then when I divorced her mother. Although I did try to make up for it later on, I'm afraid it was a little too late for her by the time I did decide to make a little more effort to have constant contact with her. As of now she has recently flunked one grade and still has poor grades this year and will probably flunk again. Yet she continues to look for love in all the wrong places and the wrong faces, because that's all she thinks about.( When I say that, I'm not making a joke of it, It's really true.) ________________________________________________________________________________ Orignally posted by jonathan7 or have to break out the whip You know J7 I used to have a girlfirend who would say something like that and she really did have one. G-O-D I miss her.............and the whip. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Astrotoy7 Posted October 13, 2009 Share Posted October 13, 2009 This is part of life - and becoming more common with each generation. As much as relationships are about mutual respect and communication - they are also about facing facts - financial, spiritual and emotional ones. It sucks when little kids get caught in the middle - but this is the result of deluded parents having children when quite frankly they were not emotionally mature themselves. I think there are alot of gals (especially) out there sticking it out because of their younger kids. I personally dont get monogamy...it's not biologically necessary. Marriage, weddings, babies, children, nappies....ugh..... financial and emotional slavery [/imho] The Creator/Evolution has played a tremendous trick on us, making it so easy for so many to conceive - a mere stirring in the loins is all you need to point you in the right direction, and then land you and any offsrping in a world of pain. Some people come out of these situations unscathed, perhaps even wiser......many dont. mtfbwya Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Qui-Gon Glenn Posted October 20, 2009 Share Posted October 20, 2009 My advice to you is simple, but very difficult to follow as a young person not fully grown into your confidence... When you are spending time with either parent, do not allow the parent you are with to talk about your other parent, unless it is absolutely necessary. Do not engage in discussions where one parent is fishing for dirt on the other, do not participate in complaining about one parent with the other.... as much as possible, keep conversations that should be between the parents, BETWEEN the parents. Otherwise, you and your brother will find yourselves as little more than the rope in a parental tug-of-war. It is not fun, it is not comfortable, and you will resent them both for years if you allow it to go on. Knowing now what I do, this would have saved me a lot of pain. The bright side - I got through it, as have many forumites here. It takes time, it will suck, and it will then be ok. Personally, I agree with El Sitherino fully on the appropriateness of this discussion for this place.... In this day and age, where is a better place to go than here? Impartial, generally non-judmental and trying to be helpful... that is what LF represents to me, and even were it not the case, talking about this issue anywhere and everywhere is much better than bottling it up. Hang in there, knight 12167! You and your brother will be alright. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
badeth Posted October 27, 2009 Share Posted October 27, 2009 My parents had their marriage ended through uncontested divorce few years go. The first time learned about it, I was really upset and it was really difficult to accept the truth. It won't be easy for anyone who has a divorced parent. However, it would be better to support your parent's decision than make the problem tough for both of them. You cannot tell your parents , "What about us?" and insist things that will make them feel pressured. It's important to keep your patience and understanding throughout this emotional battle. And most of all -- you have to respect them! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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